Advice From a Busboy

8/14/2019 Advice From a Busboy

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Advice From a BusboyBy

Mark R. Morris JrA play

Copyright 2006

All rights reserved

Notice to theatre companies and all othersNo public production or recitation of this material

May be carried out, whether live, recorded or broadcastWithout the written permission of the author.

You may contact the author at

Mark Morris c/oFamily Theatre Warehouse, inc907 W. Britton Rd.

Oklahoma City OK, 73114

Royalties for amateur productionsAre $40 per performanceWhether ticketed or not

Professional companies pleaseWrite to author for a quote

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Advice From a Busboy

Advice From a Busboy

Lights up on a caf kitchen as seen from the rear. DSR is Mariosdishwashing station. The US wall is the pass through and order shelf of aworking caf. SL there are swinging caf doors. DSL is a metal door that

leads to a small supply closet where Mario lives. A cot is standing folded inthe corner. Among the restaurant supplies are Marios books and other

things. As the scene opens Goose is working at the grill, Joe is seated on astool watching TV, his bus tub sits at his feet. Bernice rushes back and forth

through the swinging doors, and Mario is busily washing dishes possiblywhistling as he works. Tex enters from the dining room. He is a typical small

town sheriff, in uniform.

Tex:Howdy, yall.

Goose:Tex, good to see your back, specially after seein your face.

Tex:Well I thought about staying gone, but I just couldnt live without you. So,

hows the restaurant biz?

Goose:Just another day in paradise, Tex another day in paradise

Tex:Well, thats what you get for tangling with boys biggern you

Goose:Saving your tail you mean? You lousy ungrateful waste of skin

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Tex:Right back at you Goosey Gander.

Goose;

Havent heard that in a long time.

Joe:Goosey Gander? (chuckling)

Tex:You didnt think he was always named Goose did you?

Joe:No, but, Goosey Gander?

Tex:I see you have hidden certain elements of your personal history from your

colleagues.

Goose:Id like to keep it that way.

Joe:Come on Goose, this I gotta hear.

Goose:Well you are gonna hafta ask somebody else. I made a solemn vow never to

reveal the origins of my secret identity.

Tex:Clark Kent, now theres a secret identity what we have here is more like a

branding.

Goose:Im warning you Tex, one more word, no more chicken fried steak for you.

Tex:Not feed your biggest fan? Besides the kid really wants to know.

Joe:Yeah, the kid really wants to know.

Goose:

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Goose:I wasnt whimpering, I was yelling for help, but I lost my voice.

Tex:

It was pitiful, thats all I remember. Anyways me and these two other fellowsclimb up in the hayloft and heres Cecil all wrapped up in a ball crying aboutGo away, go away.. So we tap him on the shoulder and he sucks it in

pretending like nothing happened. We tell him everybodys looking for himand he goes like hes gonna come down with us. But , at the top of the ladderhe just freezes up and wont move up or down. Finally we get him to tell us

whats goin on and he asks if theyre gone yet.

Joe:If whats gone yet?

Tex:It seems as if old man Landers had a bunch of old white geese. When theyseen Cecil headin for the barn they naturally assumed he was goin to feed

them.Goose:Remember I had never spent a day with any animal except an old alley cat

that ate garbage from our can.

Tex:So these geese come flocking into the barn after him squawkin and yellin,

scared him so badhe didnt come out of that hayloft for thirteen hours!

Joe:Geese? You were afraid of geese?

Goose:You shouldve seen them. Those were killer geese, man, Im telling you they

were like mutants.

Tex:So the next day we labeled him Goosey Gander Landers. His parents moved

here at the end of the Summer, so the name stuck until ninth grade.

Goose:Finish your story Tex. Whyd you quit calling me Goosey Gander? Go on tellhim.

Tex:

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Well, in all fairness, he was named as the youngest center on the all-statefootball squad in his

freshman year. So, we shortened it to Goose cause Cecil didnt seem quiteright after all those years.

Goose:Thats right and two times all American! Now whos afraid of a Goose?

Joe:Two times? What happened?

Tex:Beans McGee, all two hundred and eighty-seven pounds of him. Bout broke

his leg off at theknee.

Goose:Lucky for you Mr. Quarterback, he would have killed your precious self.

Berniece:(calling through the pass thru ) Hey, wheres my order? By the way isnt there

a busboy back here somewhere?

Joe:Im comin Im comin. Afraid of Geese, hah! (Goose rolls up a towel and

snaps Joe as he exitsinto the dining room)

Goose:Order up!

Berniece:( picking up order thru Pass thru ) Thank you, I was beginning to wonder if I

was running this place by myself.

Tex:Speaking of order up, hows that Chicken fry comin?.

Goose:

Almost ready, I just need to add the garnish. ( he pretends to hack up a ball of spit )

Tex:

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Advice From a Busboy ( Standing with his hand on his side arm ) Youwouldnt dare. Ive shot better men than you for less. ( he takes the proffered

plate and sets down at the counter )

Goose:

One of these days when youre not lookin.

Tex:Im always lookin, thats my job. ( tries chicken fry ) This is good!, Goose,

breakin that knee was the best thing ever happened to my apetite!

Berniece:(rushes into the kitchen followed by Joe. She grabs the TV remote and turns

the volume up ) Quiet. Quiet everybody. The numbers about to be drawn.(Goose, Tex, Mario, Joe and Berniece each pull out one or two lottery tickets.

And watch breathlessly as the numbers are called off. )

Announcer:(calls out numbers they each check as it goes Goose gets first number.

Berniece gets first and third Tex and Joe get nothing and Mario just smilesand puts ticket back into pocket )

Goose:Well, one out of five, better than the last one.

Berniece:I got two, one more and I couldve doubled my one dollar investment.

Tex:Nothin for me.

Joe:Same here, what about you Mario? ( Shirley, a grocery delivery driver has just arrived outside she leaves her small dog by the back door. Shirley enters witha dolly full of boxes. Mario turns shyly away with a smile. Joe misinterprets

it ) Hey, I think Mario got something. Let me take a look. ( Mario silentlyrefuses ) Yes, I think we have a winner. How much did you get buddy?

Tex:Leave him alone. He probably doesnt even know what were talking about.

Shirley:

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Oh yes he does. He writes out his picks and gets one ticket for every drawingat the Piggly Wiggly, tell em, Mario..

Joe:Hows he going to tell us, you know he dont talk.

Shirley:Me and Mario understand each other just fine.

Joe:Hows that?

Shirley:Theres other ways of talkin without words, Joe. You wouldnt understand.

Joe:What? You got a thing for the Dishwasher?

Shirley:I didnt mean that and you know it, we just have things in common, you

know?

Joe:Like what? Whats the big secret?

Tex:(soberly ) Anybody ever tell you your nosey?

(Shirley and Mario go into supply closet to put the delivery away. The door stays open. We see them putting things onto the shelf. Mario checks the list

under this next conversation.)

Tex:(pulling Joe aside toward the dishwashers station. The others go back towork. ) Look kid, youre new around here, so Im going to cut you a little

slack. There are some things people just dont like to talk about.

Joe:Yeah, like that Goosey Gander thing? ( he smirks )

Tex:No, like losing your family to a tragedy.

Joe:Oh..sorrydidnt know.

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Tex:Not your fault, nobody told you. Mario watched his family farmhouse burn to

the ground whenhe was fifteen. Three sisters and both parents were inside, hes never spoken

since.

Joe:Whats wrong with him?

Tex:Doc says its psychological. Hell talk when hes ready, or not.

Joe:What about Shirley?

Tex:You really are a nosey twit. Two years ago she lost her husband, Hank. He

got drunk andstalled his truck on a railroad track. She was following him home in her car

when it happened.

Joe:

Train?

Tex:He never saw it coming. So they know something we dont.

Joe:Hey man my cousin diedI know

Tex:What it feels like to watch the only thing that matters die in front of your

face? No, thats what I thought! Now you know, glad you asked?

Joe:Look, Tex, Im sorry. Maybe I should apologize.

Tex:I think you said enough already. ( puts his hat on and stands to go ) Well

Goose, see you Saturday.

Goose:Not if I see you first.

(Tex exits through dining room )

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Tex:See you Saturday, Berniece.

Berniece:

Later Tex.

Tex:By the way, you heard from Bubba lately?

Berniece:Not lately, knock on wood, if I do youll be the first to know.

Tex:Good. ( he exits)

(Shirley and Mario exit the supply room. Shirley heads for the back door Mario returns to his dishes. )

Joe:Shirley, Im

Shirley:

Its all right, kid. You didnt know.

Joe:Yeah but I feel terrible for

Shirley:I know, sometimes I feel the same way.

Joe:Howd you do.on the lottery.

Shirley:Im pretty sure I hit at least three, but I lost my ticket a couple days back.

Joe:Sounds like my luck.

Shirley:Well, you cant win em all. See you Saturday kid.

Joe:Bye Shirley.

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Advice From a Busboy