Abigail Leah Living in a Difficult Marriage

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ABIGAIL & LEAH:Living In ADifficult Marriage

IIt’s not easy to be a Christianwoman—especially today.We have wider possibilities

than our mothers had. We areoffered freedoms our mothersnever knew. And we can makechoices that were not optionsfor women in other times.

Life is full of choices. Wehave to make them, but how dowe make them well? We mustturn to the Word of God for helpin wise decision-making. Therewe can learn by precept and byexample. In the pages thatfollow, we will look at twobiblical women who had towrestle with problems that aresometimes different from ourown, yet sometimes surprisinglysimilar to what we face. And aswe watch these real women andthe choices they made, we willfind principles to help clarify theanswers we seek.

Alice MathewsManaging Editor: David Sper Cover Photo:Erich Lessing/Art ResourceScripture quotations are from the New International Version, ©1973, 1978, 1984, by theInternational Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishers.Copyright © 1997, 2002 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTSLEAH:Living With A Man Who Doesn’t Love You . . . . . 2

ABIGAIL:Living With A Difficult Husband . . . 18

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

LEAH:Living With A Man WhoDoesn’t Love You

WWhen we talkabout marriage,it’s good to go

back to the very beginningwhere it all started:

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make ahelper suitable for him”(Gen. 2:18). Once that was done, the

writer of Genesis tells us: For this reason a man will leave his father andmother and be united tohis wife, and they willbecome one flesh (v.24).You remember the story.

Adam was alone, and Godsaid, “It is not good.” Tomake Adam fully consciousof his aloneness, Godbrought a complete animalparade to pass in front of

the only human being onearth to remind him that hehad no counterpart in theuniverse. Adam neededsomeone to share life withhim. He was created to be ina relationship. Alone, Adamwas only half the story. SoGod created Eve andbrought her to him. Then allthe pieces were in place fora magnificent marriage.

The man and the womanhad an ideal situation. Theywere created in the image ofGod and were placed in agarden where they hadchallenging work withoutfatigue and stress. But youknow what happened next.It had to do with acommand from God, a pieceof fruit, and a choice. Out ofthat choice flowedalienation—alienation fromGod their Creator; alienationfrom nature, which wouldnow master them, exhaustthem, and eventually absorbthem back into itself;alienation from one another

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as blame replaced trust andhierarchy replaced equality;and finally an internalalienation as each onebecame a walking civil war.They were torn betweentheir hopes and fears,vacillating between theirfundamental need forrelationships and theirresentment at having to paythe cost of thoserelationships. They werenow flawed people living ina fallen world.

Within only sixgenerations from Adam and Eve, the perfectrelationship between oneman and one woman hadgiven way to polygamy.Genesis 4:19 tells us thatLamech had married twowomen, Adah and Zillah.The one-flesh relationship—a oneness that is not onlyphysical but mental,emotional, and spiritual—is no longer possible for a man who acquires wivesthe way he acquires cattle,

sheep, or gold. In Genesis 29, we meet

two women—Leah and hersister Rachel—who are rivalco-wives locked in apolygamous relationship.Rachel, the younger one, isthe apple of her husband’seye. Leah is not loved. Howdoes a woman live with aman who doesn’t love her?Examining Leah’s life canhelp answer that question.

We first meet Leah as apawn in someone else’sdeception. Jacob hadcheated his brother Esau out of his birthright and hadfled from Canaan back tothe land of his ancestors. He came to the householdof his Uncle Laban, hismother’s brother. Labaninvited him to stay with him and work for him. Let’s look at the story as itdevelops in Genesis 29:

Now Laban had twodaughters; the name of theolder was Leah, and thename of the younger was

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Rachel. Leah had weakeyes, but Rachel waslovely in form, andbeautiful. Jacob was inlove with Rachel and said,“I’ll work for you sevenyears in return for youryounger daughter Rachel.”

Laban said, “It’s betterthat I give her to you thanto some other man. Stayhere with me.” So Jacobserved seven years to getRachel, but they seemedlike only a few days to himbecause of his love for her.

Then Jacob said toLaban, “Give me my wife.My time is completed, andI want to lie with her.”

So Laban broughttogether all the people ofthe place and gave a feast.But when evening came,he took his daughter Leahand gave her to Jacob,and Jacob lay with her.And Laban gave hisservant girl Zilpah to his daughter as hermaidservant.

When morning came,there was Leah! So Jacobsaid to Laban, “What isthis you have done to me?I served you for Rachel,didn’t I? Why have youdeceived me?”

Laban replied, “It isnot our custom here togive the younger daughterin marriage before theolder one. Finish thisdaughter’s bridal week;then we will give you the younger one also, inreturn for another sevenyears of work.”

And Jacob did so. He finished the week withLeah, and then Labangave him his daughterRachel to be his wife.Laban gave his servantgirl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as hermaidservant. Jacob laywith Rachel also, and heloved Rachel more thanLeah. And he worked forLaban another seven years(Gen. 29:16-30).

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Your first sympathyprobably goes to Jacob. After all, a bargain is abargain. He bargained forRachel, not Leah. His craftyuncle pulled a fast one andstuck him with Leah.

But Jacob had beenpretty crafty himself. He had deceived his blindfather Isaac and cheated hisbrother Esau. So he wasn’texactly without blame. Butwe still feel sorry for Jacob.After 7 years of labor, hewent through all of thetraditional feasting tocelebrate his wedding toRachel. He waited in thedarkened tent for his brideto be delivered to him, sawonly dimly the heavily veiledwoman enter, and assumedshe was Rachel. What ashock the next morning todiscover that plain Leah had been substituted forgorgeous Rachel!

It’s easy to get so caughtup in feeling sorry for Jacobthat we forget what it must

have been like to be Leahthe next morning. Somecommentators speculate thatLeah had also been in lovewith Jacob during those 7years and that she was awilling accomplice to herfather’s scheme. Nothing in the text confirms that.Whether she went to Jacob’stent that night as a willingaccomplice or as a dutifuldaughter merely obeying her father, she could nothave been thrilled the nextmorning when Jacob made a scene with his father-in-law Laban.

If Leah had ever hopedfor Jacob’s love, if she hadever dared think that shecould compete with herbeautiful younger sister, allillusions were dashed whenJacob hit the tent roof aboutthe deception. She wasunloved, undesired, andunsought. And one weeklater she was the displacedwife as Jacob took Rachel tohimself.

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I doubt that there aremany, if any, women inAmerica today who weremarried under the samecircumstances as Leah. Butdeception of one sort oranother has been part ofmany courtships. If you aremarried and you think backto your own wedding, didyou get what you bargainedfor? Or did you feel cheatedby your partner in someway? Life can seem bleakindeed when the mostimportant relationship in our experience turns out to be marred at theoutset by deception ordisappointment. We live in a sinful world and buildrelationships with sinfulpeople. We bring our own sinfulness to thoserelationships. No wonder deception anddisappointment creep in.

In verse 31, this sad storyof unloved Leah turns acorner:

When the Lord saw that

Leah was not loved, Heopened her womb, butRachel was barren. Leahbecame pregnant andgave birth to a son.God was not blind to

Leah’s plight. He saw theache in her heart and didsomething about hersituation. He enabled her to give Jacob a son. Thesovereign God saw Leah’sneed and moved to meet it.And in the process, He was working out His plan for Jacob and Jacob’sdescendants, even in theway He would send JesusChrist, the Messiah andRedeemer, into the world.

Part of Leah’s handicapwas that she was nocandidate for MissMesopotamia and she had a sister who was.Rachel was beautiful. Andwhen she first appears inGenesis 29:6-12, she dancesoff the page, full of vitalityand energy. She simply hadit all. It is no surprise that

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Jacob flipped when he sawher. No wonder the Bibletells us that working for herfor 7 years “seemed like onlya few days to him becauseof his love for her” (v.20).

Then there’s Leah. Theonly thing we know abouther is that she had “weakeyes” (v.17). Commentatorsand translators have had afield day with the Hebrewword here translated“weak.” We don’t reallyknow what Leah’s eyes were like. Some say she was going blind and Labanwanted to get rid of herquickly before thathappened. One Bibleversion translates the word“tender.” The Living Bibleparaphrase tells us that shehad “lovely eyes.” All ofthese are possibilities.Perhaps Leah had only onegood feature—her beautifuleyes. Or perhaps her eyeswere so disfiguring thateverything else faded intoinsignificance. The

important thing is thatwhatever she looked like,she grew up in the shadowof a beautiful sister.

Could God have createdLeah as beautiful as Rachel?Certainly. So why didn’t He?It would have saved hergreat grief. Why did Godwait until Leah was theunloved wife of Jacob to dosomething nice for her?Isaiah the prophet remindsus that “as the heavens arehigher than the earth, so are[God’s] ways higher thanyour ways and [His]thoughts than yourthoughts” (55:9). When welook more closely at Leah,we see that if God had madeher equally as beautiful asher sister Rachel, thechances are good that she would not have beenpawned off on Jacob. If thathad been the case, Jacobwould never have had theparticular sons throughwhom God worked for Israeland for a fallen world. God

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often works in our lives notby giving us a perfectsituation but by showing His power and love in ourvery imperfect situations. He works for our ultimategood by allowing us tostruggle in less than perfect relationships.

Leah was unloved. ButGod saw that and openedher womb. Not once, but atleast seven times. Each timethat Leah held a tiny newlife in her arms and namedthe child, we get a glimpseinto her mind, into herheart, into her needs.

In Genesis 29:32,cradling her firstborn son,Leah “named him Reuben,for she said, ‘It is becausethe Lord has seen mymisery. Surely my husbandwill love me now.’” Soonafter, “She conceived again,and when she gave birth toa son she said, ‘Because theLord heard that I am notloved, He gave me this onetoo.’ So she named him

Simeon” (v.33).As if two sons were

not enough. “Again sheconceived, and when shegave birth to a son she said,‘Now at last my husbandwill become attached to me,because I have borne himthree sons.’ So he wasnamed Levi” (v.34).

Three sons. Is thatenough? Apparently not, for verse 35 tells us, “Sheconceived again, and whenshe gave birth to a son shesaid, ‘This time I will praisethe Lord.’ So she named himJudah. Then she stoppedhaving children.”

Four little boys all in arow. Can you see Leahoutside her tent on a hotMesopotamian summer daycalling “Reuben! Simeon!Levi! Judah!”? Listen to theprogression in Leah’sunderstanding and her faithas you hear those names.

Reuben—“Behold, ason!” Leah recognized thatGod had seen her misery,

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opened her womb, andgiven her a son. Sheinterpreted that fact as God’s way of enabling her to gain her husband’s love.But did it work out thatway? Apparently not.Probably less than a yearlater, Simeon was born.

Simeon—“hearing.” Leahwas still unloved. Reuben’sbirth had not caused Jacobto love her. He still had eyesonly for Rachel. Now Godhad heard Leah’s sighs. Hehad seen her tears. He hadunderstood her deep desirefor the love of Jacob andhad given her a second son.Surely this time Jacob wouldlove her. But did he?

Again Leah gave birth toa son and called him Levi—“attached, joined.” Sheexplained, “Now at last myhusband will becomeattached to me, because Ihave borne him three sons.”

Hope springs eternal inthe human breast. Leahhoped that each new little

son would make a differencein the marriage, thatsomehow Jacob would begin to love her as he lovedRachel. She still hoped forequal if not first place in hisheart. With the passage oftime after the birth of eachlittle boy, hope was deferredand then dashed to theground. All of her efforts towin Jacob’s love—with God’shelp—were fruitless. He still had eyes only for thebeautiful but barren Rachel.

Many wives go toextraordinary lengths to win or to keep the love ofhusbands who do notrespond to them in love. Just as often, as with Leah,that hope springing eternalbecomes hope deferred orhope dashed to the ground.

It is tough to live in arelationship without deep,mutual, committed love.Everything in us cries out forit. After all, that was God’soriginal intent for marriagewhen He created the man

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and woman and broughtthem together in Eden.

Marriage in Eden wasmore than sex. It was amarriage of minds, goals,interests, and spirits. And it was a marriage of twobodies becoming one tosymbolize all the oneness a man and a woman couldexperience in every otherdimension of their livestogether. It was a total unitythat was possible only inEden. In their perfection,Adam and Eve could havethat relationship.

As a flawed womanmarried to a flawed man, I cannot have that total andunblemished union with myhusband. My needs get inthe way of his needs. Hiswishes collide with mine. It is easy to becomedisillusioned about arelationship that cannot be perfect. So we try and we long and we wish forsomething better. In today’sworld, if we despair of

achieving it with Mr. Wonderful #1, we may decide to try it with Mr. Wonderful #2 or Mr. Wonderful #3.

In a day when we aresurrounded with mediatelling us that romantic love is the basis of strongmarriages, it’s hard to hang on to the fact that amagnificent marriage can be built on something other than love. In thedisappointment of feelingless loved than you’d like, isit possible to find resourcesfor happiness in a less-than-perfect marriage?

Look at Leah’s attitudewhen her fourth son wasborn. She named himJudah, which means“praising.” She explainedthat name by saying, “Thistime I will praise the Lord.”For the first time in namingher sons, Leah turned fromexpressing her yearning forJacob’s love to accepting andbasking in God’s love.

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Leah’s focus had shiftedfrom what she lacked towhat she had. True, nothinghad changed with Jacob. Hewas still starry-eyed overRachel. Leah could notchange him. But she couldchange herself. She couldchange her focus. She couldrecognize the hand of Godin her life, giving hersignificance.

The most important steptoward joy in a lovelessmarriage is to change our

focus from what we do nothave to what we do have.Leah had four sons in a day

when sons were everything.She woke up to the richnessof her situation and said,“This time I will praise theLord.”

Genesis 30 opens withthe spotlight on Rachel:

When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacobany children, she becamejealous of her sister. So shesaid to Jacob, “Give mechildren, or I’ll die!” Jacobbecame angry with herand said, “Am I in theplace of God, who haskept you from havingchildren?” Then she said,“Here is Bilhah, my maid-servant. Sleep with her sothat she can bear childrenfor me and that throughher I too can build afamily” (vv.1-3).Bilhah had a son by

Jacob who legally becameRachel’s child. We know thisbecause it was Rachel whonamed the little boy. Shecalled him Dan, saying,“God has vindicated me; He

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The most importantstep toward joy

in a lovelessmarriage is to

change our focusfrom what we donot have to what

we do have.

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has listened to my plea andgiven me a son” (v.6).

If it worked once, maybeit would work twice. SoRachel sent Bilhah to Jacobagain. The maidservant boreanother son and Rachelnamed the baby Naphtali,which means “wrestlings.”Rachel explained her choiceof names by saying, “I havehad a great struggle with mysister, and I have won” (v.8).

Had she? The score wasactually four to two in Leah’sfavor. But nervous becauseher sister could close in onher, Leah jumped into thesame game and gave hermaidservant Zilpah to Jacobalso. When Zilpah gavebirth to a son, Leah calledhim Gad, meaning“fortune.” Yes, her richeswere increasing. The scorewas now five to two, still inLeah’s favor.

It had worked twice forRachel. Perhaps it wouldwork twice for Leah. So onceagain she sent Zilpah to

sleep with Jacob. Zilpahbecame pregnant and bore ason. Leah named him Asher,which means “happy.” Sheexclaimed, “How happy Iam! The women will call me happy” (v.13).

What a switch! The lovedand favored Rachel wasdesolate. The miserable,unloved Leah exclaimed,“How happy I am!” Thetables were turned. Thewoman who had it all at thebeginning was eaten up withjealousy and frustration. Thesubstitute wife, who wantedso desperately to know herhusband’s love, now hadlearned to focus on what she had, not on what shelacked. She could say, “How happy I am!”

I would be happy if thestory ended with Genesis30:13. Leah soundedvictorious over her lovelessmarriage. She praised Godfor what she had and didn’tfocus on what she lacked. Itwould be nice to think that

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she stayed that way for therest of her life. But ourbattles seldom stay won. Inthe day-to-day rivalry ofRachel and Leah, a rivalrythat lasted a lifetime, Leah’sbattle to live above herloveless marriage had to befought again and again.

We gain insights into therelationship between the twosisters in the story thatfollows:

During wheat harvest,Reuben went out into thefields and found somemandrake plants, whichhe brought to his motherLeah. Rachel said to Leah,“Please give me some ofyour son’s mandrakes.”But she said to her,“Wasn’t it enough thatyou took away myhusband? Will you takemy son’s mandrakes too?”“Very well,” Rachel said,“[Jacob] can sleep withyou tonight in return foryour son’s mandrakes.” Sowhen Jacob came in from

the fields that evening,Leah went out to meethim. “You must sleep with me,” she said. “I have hired you with myson’s mandrakes.” So heslept with her that night.God listened to Leah, andshe became pregnant andbore Jacob a fifth son(30:14-17).This incident

demonstrates the dailytensions in Jacob’shousehold. Little Reubenhad found some mandrakesin the field. The mandrake isa plant that bears a yellowfruit the size of a plum andis shaped like a tomato. This fruit was called a loveapple. People believed thatmandrakes helped a womanbecome fertile.

Rachel’s exclamation toJacob at the beginning ofGenesis 30, “Give mechildren, or I’ll die!”revealed the intensity of herdesire to bear children. Soyou can understand why,

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when she saw Reuben withlove apples, she asked Leahto give some to her. But youcan also understand Leah’sanswer: “Wasn’t it enoughthat you took away myhusband? Will you take myson’s mandrakes too?”

The relationship betweenLeah and Rachel was stillcolored by rivalry. Rachelwould do anything to getpregnant. Leah could notforget that Rachel held her husband’s heart in hercareless hands. So thebargaining began. In the endRachel agreed to let Jacobsleep with Leah that night inexchange for the mandrakes.Ironically, it was the womanwithout the mandrakes whobecame pregnant. Thewoman who believed in themagical qualities of thoselittle yellow love applesremained barren.

When Leah’s fifth sonwas born, she called himIssachar, meaning“reward.” She explained his

name by saying, “God hasrewarded me for giving mymaidservant to myhusband” (v.18). Leah saw Issachar’s birth as areward from God.

It appears that almostimmediately Leah conceivedagain and bore Jacob a sixthson whom she namedZebulun, meaning “honor.”Her explanation was, “Godhas presented me with aprecious gift. This time myhusband will treat me withhonor, because I have bornehim six sons” (v.20).

Note the ways in whichLeah’s understanding of lifehad grown. After her firstson was born, she said,“Surely my husband willlove me now.” After the thirdson came along, she said,“Now at last my husbandwill become attached tome.” Now at the birth of hersixth son, she has scaleddown her expectations. Shesaid simply, “This time myhusband will treat me with

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honor.” She was becomingmore realistic about whatwould or would not happenin her marriage.

Contentment in aloveless marriage will never

come as long as we cling tothe ideal of romantic loveand lose sight of the goodgifts of God we have alreadyreceived. Leah focused onZebulun as “a precious gift”from God.

Many years had passedsince that morning when

Jacob awakened anddiscovered that the bride inhis tent was Leah and notRachel. During all thoseyears Rachel wanted a childmore than anything else inthe world. After long years of waiting—with the scorestanding at nine (includingdaughter Dinah) for Leahand only two for Rachel byher maidservant—Rachel’scry for a child was heard by God and she becamepregnant. Son Joseph wasborn, and Rachel’s firstrequest was, “May the Lordadd to me another son”(v.24).

God heard her prayer,but with consequences shecouldn’t have anticipated.By this time Jacob hadworked for Laban for 20years. One scoundrel wasbeing fleeced by anotherscoundrel. So Jacob madethe decision to return toCanaan with his large family of two wives, twoconcubines, ten sons and

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Contentment in aloveless marriagewill never come aslong as we cling to

the ideal ofromantic love andlose sight of thegood gifts of Godwe have already

received.

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one daughter. As the family journeyed

west, the unthinkablehappened. Rachel, nearingthe end of the journey andpregnant with her secondson, died in childbirth. Whatshe wanted more thananything else in the worldbecame the cause of herfinal separation from theman who loved her. Thewoman with every reason tobe happy died giving birth toa son she named Ben-Oni,“son of my sorrow” (35:18).

It’s easy to look at awoman with breathtakingbeauty and the undying loveof her man and think thatshe must be the happiest of all women. But hearRachel’s sorrow. Hear hercomplaint. Things are oftennot what they appear to be.

And what of Leah? Godhad sovereignly removed herrival from the family circle.Rachel was gone. Leah wasnow the number one wife.We do not know whether

Jacob learned to love herany more than he had at thetime of that first deception.We do not know how manymore years they livedtogether. We know only that when Leah died, Jacobburied her in the ancestralburial ground, the cave ofMachpelah, where Abrahamand Sarah, Isaac andRebekah were buried. Hehonored her in her death.

At the end of the book ofRuth, after Boaz had bestedthe nearer kinsman and had won Ruth as his bride,the elders of the city ofBethlehem prayed:

May the Lord make thewoman who is cominginto your home likeRachel and Leah, whotogether built up thehouse of Israel (4:11).Leah the unloved was

Leah the foremother whohelped build up the house ofIsrael. Of the twelve sons ofJacob who became theprogenitors of the twelve

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tribes of Israel, six were bornto Leah. Out of Leah’spersonal sadness came richblessing for Israel. It wasLeah who gave birth toJudah, from whom cameIsrael’s greatest king, David,and from whom came theLion of the tribe of Judah,our Lord Jesus Christ.

Leah, the plain oldersister of beautiful Rachel,lived in a very difficultsituation and survived. Likeher, we too are fallen peoplein a fallen world. We arepeople scarred by alienationfrom each other and fromourselves. Life seldom, ifever, comes to us in a waythat is fully satisfying. Mostof the time it comes with anedge of dissatisfaction—not quite enough love, notquite enough care, not quiteenough honor, not quiteenough esteem. Almost,perhaps, but never as much as we’d like.

Like Leah, we can focuson what we lack and be

miserable. Or also like Leah,we can decide to focus onwhat we have and make upour minds that “this time we will praise the Lord.”

How do you live with ahusband who doesn’t loveyou? You change your focus.In the process, you will notonly end up exclaiming withLeah, “How happy I am!”but you will someday findthat God has worked Hismiracle through yoursadness, touching the worldwith blessing through you.

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We can focus on what we lackand be miserable,or we can decide to focus on what

we have and make up our

minds to praise the Lord.

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ABIGAIL:Living With ADifficultHusband

HHave you ever walkeddown your streetand looked at each

house and wondered aboutthe way the people living inthat house get along witheach other? Or have youlooked at a woman sittingahead of you in church andthought, “Wow! No questionabout it, she’s got it all! Herhandsome Christianhusband is a leader in thechurch. And he treats herlike a queen. Their obedientkids never seem to givethem any trouble. They haveenough money to dowhatever they want to doand go where they want togo. I wonder what it wouldbe like to be in such aperfect Christian family.”

Sometimes we look atothers around us and allow

ourselves to have a pityparty, thinking how muchbetter other people’s livesare than our own. That’s theproblem of judging from theoutside. What goes onbehind the closed doors of aChristian home may bequite different from whatshould go on in a family.The “too perfect” family inthe next pew may beanything but perfect.

A few years ago I spokeat a women’s retreat. Thewomen were from a strictchurch where everyoneknew exactly how to crosseach “t” and dot each “i.”They filled their notebooks,appearing to write downvirtually everything I said.But I wondered if any ofthem were real.

On Saturday evening,after my third talk, theanswer came. Three womenapproached me after theservice. Each one hadessentially the same story to tell. Let me tell you

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about just one of them.As she walked toward

me, it was clear that she was terribly frightened. Icould see the fear in her eyes and the nervousness in her twisting fingers. Sheappeared to be held togetherwith little more than rubberbands. As I tried to put herat ease and probe for thecause of her distress, little bylittle she told me her story.

She had been married for13 years to a man who was aseminary graduate and whohad pastored three churchesduring their marriage. He hadrecently left the ministry andwas trying his hand at sellingreal estate. The couple hadthree school-age children.She worked fulltime as apsychiatric nurse and wasbringing in the only regularpaycheck at that time. I’ll callthis couple Jack and Jane.

Jack is an abuser. Yes, hehas been a pastor. He is aChristian. He is a seminarygraduate. But he is also an

abuser. He beats his wife.Jane is a battered woman.She is intelligent and worksin psychiatric nursing. Butshe is still a battered wife.

Jack has been beatingJane since the first year oftheir marriage. The beatingstake many forms. They startwhen his rages burst outand he throws everything hecan lay hands on at her.Then he pounces on her,pummeling her and pullingout her hair.

After this kind of beating,she knows he will return inthe night and start in again.So she lies awake all night,“feeling the lion prowlingaround the house,” notknowing how or when hewill attack her again. Thesecond attack may beanother beating, or it maybe a bucket of cold waterdumped on her in the dark.

If Jack goes into a ragewhile they are driving in thecar, she fears for the lives of the entire family. Once

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when she was pregnant, hereached across her, openedher car door and pushed herout into the street from themoving vehicle.

After these attacks Jackbecomes very contrite. Inpublic, especially in thechurch where he is lookedup to as a strong leader, hehugs Jane and tells people to look at his beautiful wife. Outside the home hecarefully cultivates theimpression of being a loving, doting husband.

Jack’s rages seem to beprecipitated by a number ofthings. If he catches Janereading a book, he snatchesit away, telling her that if shewants to learn anything, shemust ask him and he willteach her. He rigidly holdshis family to a daily scheduleof memorizing Scripture. Infact, he devised a systemthat many families in theirchurch use. In it he has akey verse for every chapterin the Bible and a complex

memory system for learningthese verses. Members of hisfamily also must spend acertain amount of time eachday listening to Christiantapes. Anytime a member ofthe family has not learnedthe verse perfectly or cannotanswer all his questionsabout the tape, Jack getsvery upset.

Several years ago Janepersuaded Jack to see acounselor with her. But theChristian counselor merelylectured her on her duty tobe submissive.

As Jane talked to me, itwas clear that she had beenthe brunt of Jack’s rages foryears. But she found thecourage to speak to me onlybecause she now feared forthe safety of their threechildren. She had beentaught so well by the church to be submissive that she thought she had noalternative but to stay in thehome, take the abuse, andrisk being killed as Jack’s

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rages escalated. In fact, as isoften true of battered women,Jane actually took the blamefor Jack’s abuse. He insistedthat if she were different, hewould not beat her. He didnot see himself as an abuser.

Battered women are afact of life in Americansociety today—and a fact oflife within our evangelicalchurches. One out of everyeight women in our countryis physically abused. Oneout of every four is sexuallyabused. In the United Statesa woman is beaten every 18seconds. One-fourth of theseare pregnant. In fact, thebattering pattern oftenbegins with a woman’s firstpregnancy.

Furthermore, nine out of every ten batteringincidents are not reported to the police. Legal expertscall wife-abuse the “silentcrime,” one of the mostunreported or under-reportedcrimes in our country.

Many women are not

physically battered but arestill abused. A major sourceof depression, for instance,is low self-esteem thatcomes from being constantlyput down by the peopleclosest to us—those whoshould build us up.

I have a close friendwhose husband hardly eversits down at the dinner tablewithout telling her what foodshe should have cooked andhow the food she did cookshould have been cooked.For more than 25 years myfriend has endured thistorrent of criticism at virtuallyevery meal. No wonder herself-confidence is zero.There’s nothing she can do toplease him. He picks away ather day and night. He is anabuser and she is abused.

Abuse can be physical,verbal, or nonverbal. Inwhatever form it comes,many Christian womenaccept this abuse in thename of submission. They are convinced that

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as Christian women theyhave no alternative but totake the abuse as God’s willfor their lives.

A case study in handlingan abusive man is found in1 Samuel 25. There we meeta man named Nabal and hiswife Abigail. Verse 3describes Abigail as “anintelligent and beautifulwoman” but Nabal as “surlyand mean in his dealings.”

Nabal was a hard man tolive with. The force of theHebrew words translated“surly and mean” is that hewas harsh and overbearing,a heavy-handed evildoer.

The servants in Nabal’shousehold would certainly

agree with God’s descriptionof this man. In verse 17 weoverhear a servant talking toAbigail about his master andher husband: “He is such awicked man that no one cantalk to him.”

Again, the Hebrew text is very strong. Nabal is “anevil man, a son of Belial,”the worst possible statementof contempt that the servantcould use. Nabal was a hard man, a difficult man, a severe man. He wasimpossible to reason with.

The servant was notalone in that opinion.Abigail describes herhusband to David in verse25: “May my lord pay noattention to that wicked manNabal. He is just like hisname—his name is Fool,and folly goes with him.”

So Nabal was a wicked,difficult man. God said so.The servant said so. Abigailagreed.

Abigail probably got intothat unpleasant marriage

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Many Christianwomen wronglyaccept abuse in

the name ofsubmission.

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through no choice of herown. In Abigail’s daymarriages were arranged bythe parents. Nabal was oneof the wealthiest men in theregion. Verse 2 tells us thathe had 1,000 goats and3,000 sheep. He was a manof importance and influence.To arrange a marriage withsuch a man was considereda good catch. The fact thatAbigail might not be happyin such a marriage wasirrelevant.

Unfortunately, manywomen today get intomarriages every bit asmiserable as Abigail’s. The handsome prince turnsout to be a toad. The fineChristian leader turns out to be an abuser.

How did Abigail handleher situation, locked in amarriage to a wicked andevil man, one whom no onecould talk to or reason with?Can we learn anything fromher that can help us or helpwomen we know who are

trapped in such a situation?At the very least we need

to make the best of a badsituation. Better, we need tofind a way to turn a badsituation into somethinggood. When we first meetAbigail, we see a womandoing everything possible to limit the damage herhusband has done. AndNabal had done realdamage, so much so that the entire household was in danger of extermination.Let’s review the story.

It opens during the timeof year when Nabal’s 3,000sheep were being shorn.That’s a lot of sheep, a lot ofshearers, and a lot of workfor everyone concerned.

Sheepshearing season inNabal’s day was also afestive time. It wascustomary for the sheepowner to provide a feastwhen the job was done. Atthat feast he would give giftsto everyone who had helpedin any way during the year.

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This was a token of thanksto God and a gesture ofgoodwill to his neighbors.When David sent his youngmen to collect what was dueto them for the protectionthey had provided Nabal’sshepherds during the year,they had every reason toexpect Nabal to be generous.

But instead, in verses 10 and 11, we see Nabalinsulting David’s men in twoways. First, he should haveresponded generously tothem for the help they hadgiven his shepherds. Second,oriental custom required himto be polite to them even ifDavid had been a deadlyenemy. Not only did wicked,surly, mean Nabal refuse togive anything when heshould have given freely, but he also scorned David’scharacter in front of his men.

David understood theinsult well. His answer wasessentially, “Okay, men, puton your swords. We’re goingto clean up on this guy and

on every man and boy in his household.” With 400armed men, David set out todestroy Nabal’s household.

At the same time a wiseservant ran to Abigail toreport what had happened.Here’s his summary:

David sent messengersfrom the desert to give ourmaster his greetings, buthe hurled insults at them.Yet these men were verygood to us. They did notmistreat us, and the wholetime we were out in thefields near them nothingwas missing. Night andday they were a wallaround us all the time wewere herding our sheepnear them. Now think itover and see what you cando, because disaster ishanging over our masterand his whole household.He is such a wicked manthat no one can talk tohim (1 Sam. 25:14-17).Abigail had a bad

situation on her hands. 24


Four hundred men were on their way to kill not only Nabal but most of thehousehold. She had to actquickly to limit the damageher husband had done.

Knowing yourself, whatwould you have done inAbigail’s place? Would you have run off to saveyourself? Would you haveorganized the servants tofight David’s men? Wouldyou have tried to reasonwith Nabal? Would youhave resigned yourself tobeing killed? Would youhave panicked? Abigail took decisive, independentaction:

Abigail lost no time. Shetook two hundred loavesof bread, two skins ofwine, five dressed sheep,five seahs of roasted grain,a hundred cakes of raisins,and two hundred cakes ofpressed figs, and loadedthem on donkeys. Thenshe told her servants, “Goon ahead; I’ll follow you.”

But she did not tell herhusband Nabal. As shecame riding her donkeyinto a mountain ravine,there were David and hismen descending towardher, and she met them.David had just said, “It’sbeen useless—all mywatching over this fellow’sproperty in the desert sothat nothing of his wasmissing. He has paid meback evil for good. MayGod deal with David, be it ever so severely, if bymorning I leave alive onemale of all who belong tohim!” When Abigail sawDavid, she quickly got offher donkey and boweddown before David withher face to the ground (vv.18-23).Quick-thinking Abigail

hurried to head off trouble atthe pass. But what do youthink of what Abigail did? Doyou think she was correct inher actions? What was reallyhappening as she scurried

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around to get all the breadbaked, the raisins and figspacked, and the wineskinsloaded on the donkeys?

First, she did exactly the opposite of what Nabalwanted done. He had turnedDavid’s men away, but sheprepared large quantities offood for them. Second, shedid this behind his back.The text points out that shedid not tell her husbandwhat she was doing.

Do her actions seemright to you? Look at

David’s evaluation of what Abigail did:

David said to Abigail,“Praise be to the Lord,the God of Israel, whohas sent you today tomeet me. May you beblessed for your goodjudgment and for keepingme from bloodshed thisday and from avengingmyself with my ownhands” (vv.32-33).David saw Abigail’s

independent action, contrary

to Nabal’s wishes, as beingfrom God. Abigail standsbefore us as a model of awise woman in a difficultsituation. She acted in thebest interests of herhousehold and of herhusband. The first person to feel the edge of David’ssword would have beenNabal. In going againstNabal’s wishes, Abigail wassaving his life. She had hisbest interests in mind.

Not every situationwomen face in bad marriagesis a matter of life and death.In Abigail’s case it was. InJane’s case it was gettingthere. A Christian woman’sobligation to be a submissivewife ends where lives are atrisk. A woman is wise whodoes what she can to limitthe damage caused by adifficult man in the home.

Such a woman may haveto take immediate steps toensure safety for herself andher children. If the situationis physically dangerous, she

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must first get herself and herchildren out while she can.She must act in the bestinterests of everyoneconcerned. This includes herhusband’s best interest, but italso includes her own andthat of any children involved.

It is important to knowthat a woman is not a failureas a wife and she is notdisobedient to God if shetakes active steps to preservelife in an abusive situation.

The second step thatwomen must take is to workto turn bad situations intogood ones. A person withcancer may undergoradiation treatment orchemotherapy to keep thecancer from spreading. That’sa way of limiting the damage.

But if the cancer is operable,the surgeon will also elect toremove it so that the patientcan return to full health. Thegoal is to do more than justlimit the damage. We want toturn a bad situation into agood one.

Abigail successfullyheaded off David’s armyfrom slaughtering Nabal’shousehold. But to keep from having to repeat therescue operation in anothersituation, she had to domore than that.

When Abigail went toNabal, he was in thehouse holding a banquetlike that of a king. He wasin high spirits and verydrunk. So she told himnothing until daybreak.Then in the morning,when Nabal was sober,his wife told him all thesethings, and his heartfailed him and he becamelike a stone (vv.36-37). It wasn’t enough to

avert one danger. Nabal 27

A wise womanworks to turn a bad situation into a good one.

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had to be confronted withhis way of handling life. He had to understand theconsequences of his churlishbehavior. One of the thingswe see in verse 36 is thatAbigail chose the right timeto talk to Nabal. Often when we confront a difficultperson, we choose the wrongtime and the wrong place.Abigail wisely waited untilthe banquet was over, thedrunken stupor had passed,and Nabal was sober.

Even though Abigailchose her moment wisely,she took great risks inconfronting Nabal. Recallthat he was described assurly and mean (v.3). Andthe servant had said he was so wicked that no onecould reason with him(v.17). Abigail had noassurance that Nabal would listen to her. She hadno way of knowing whetherhe would become furiousand harm her. But she knewthat she had to confront

Nabal even though it mightnot turn out well.

For Nabal, at least, it did not turn out well. Theshock of his close brushwith David’s wrath put himinto cardiac arrest. We don’t know from the passagewhether Nabal’s attack wasbrought on by anger overAbigail’s meddling in hisaffairs or if he was enragedthat David had gotten thebetter of him. Perhaps it was sheer terror that struckhim when he realized howclose he had come to death.Whatever caused the strokeor heart attack, in 10 days’time it proved to be fatal(v.38). Nabal died.

We also do not knowfrom the biblical text howAbigail talked to Nabal onthat fateful morning. Weknow only that she “toldhim all” that had happened.She took the next necessarystep to turn a bad situationinto a better one. Sheconfronted him with the

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consequences of his actions.In a difficult relationship,

don’t simply try to limit thedamage. Work to make abad situation good byhelping the difficult personsee what he is doing tohimself and to the importantpeople in his life. Lovesometimes has to be toughbecause it seeks what is bestfor everyone involved. Aman who abuses his wife oris difficult to live with hashis own set of problems.They keep him from beingthe joyful, fully-functioningperson God designed him tobe. We must care enough toconfront—confront toredeem, not to destroy.

Many women locked in abusive marriages findconfronting almostimpossible to do. Thereasons are many. Oftensuch women have come to believe the husband’sreiterated statement that ifthey were different women,they would be treated

differently. Or they have an unbiblical understandingof submission. Or their self-esteem has been destroyedand they have no innerstrength to resist the abuse.

To take that nextnecessary step of confrontingfor change, an abusedwoman must be sure of herown value before God so thatthe difficult person does notbeat her self-esteem down tonothing. Life with Nabalcould not have been happy.Yet Abigail did not allowNabal’s nastiness to makeher bitter. This beautiful,intelligent woman was strongenough inside to withstandNabal’s unreasonableness.

How does our story ofAbigail end? David wastedno time once he heard thenews of Nabal’s death. Heproposed marriage toAbigail, and she became his wife. She was a fittingcompanion for Israel’s greatand future king.

Abigail’s story ended 29


“happily ever after.” Butthat is not the way Jane’s

story has ended. Nor is itthe way the story ends formany other Christianwomen locked in a difficultmarriage. Often we are notreleased from misery butmust learn new ways tocope with misery and turn itinto something good.

One day I receivedanother letter from Jane. Up to that time we hadexchanged letters throughher work address at thehospital. But this was thefirst letter giving me herhome address. I had sentJane some literature aboutabusers and battering,including a “violence index.”Here’s what she wrote:

“In reviewing all thematerials, I believe the most frightening part wastaking the violence test andrealizing our violence indexwas into the dangerouslevel. I had never seen it inblack and white before, or

had thought about thespecific questions that were asked. It sobered mefurther . . .

“In June and July, Jack’sbehavior or attitude becamemore hateful and oppressive.More frequently he involvedthe children, sometimesblaming them for hisoutburst. He threw a glass at the kitchen sink with suchforce that the glass shatteredall over the kitchen, thecounters, the floor. Then Jackwanted Mickey, our 12-year-old, to pick it up. I refused tolet Mickey clean up Jack’smess, so it stayed that wayfor 2 days. Sherry (age 11)had been away. She walkedin and asked, ‘Was this anaccident, or did Dad getmad?’ She was told the truth.Stanley (age 9) began gettinghysterical every time Jackraised his voice, and thatwould make Jack more mad.

“In the middle of July, I involved another party,Chuck and Margaret.

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Without Jack knowing aboutit, I took an afternoon offand talked with them.Margaret and I had alreadybeen talking some. Chuck isan attorney in town and heis well respected by Jack inevery way. They have beenfriends in our church foryears. As you would expect,Jack hit the roof when I toldhim, the same day, that Ihad gone. He started withthe same accusations ofbetrayal all over again. Ithank God for the courage to have spoken again.

“Chuck, Margaret, Jack,and I meet about once aweek for 2 to 3 hours. Thefirst session was the worst,but Alice, the last 6 weekshave been wonderful. Chuckconfronts issues and Jackhas not resisted theaccountability. Through tearsand pain and sorrow he hascommitted himself to medifferent from ever before.He has faced the issue as sinand as totally unacceptable.

He is genuinely striving for aholy walk. The sessions aredifficult because of thepainful things we go over,but so productive. Oncemore I have hope.

“The children know weare going and are glad too.Even Sherry’s defensivespirit has improved in thelast month. There is somuch work to be done.Daily I still see reflections of the ‘down with women’attitude, but I have afreedom to discuss it withhim later or save it for our time with Chuck andMargaret. Jack has admittedto not giving me anyfreedom, being jealous ofeven phone conversationswith other women. Hedoesn’t understand why, buthe now sees it as abnormal.

“Alice, I think there ishope. Please continue topray with me. I know theroad ahead will not bewithout bumps, perhapsmajor ones. But my support

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has widened. Therefore, mybase is stronger and so isJack’s.

“Please continue to sharewith other women the needfor openness and for friends,that life does not have to beendured but can be livedand even enjoyed. I lookforward to see what God hastomorrow for me. Please feelfree to share my life withothers if it would help. Andkeep in touch. Love, Jane.”

Each time I read Jane’sletter, I remember theterrified woman who for 13 years had not said a word to anyone about all sheendured with a difficult man.I thank God that she foundthe courage to talk to me. I’mglad she found even greatercourage to seek out a supportsystem in her hometown. Shenow has hope. She had nonea year ago. I thank God thatJane did what Abigail did.She first took steps to lessenthe damage to herself and toher children. She opened up

to a trusted friend, whobecame the beginning of alocal support group for her.She gained the courage torefute Jack’s unreasonableaccusations and to counterhis selfish demands. Little bylittle, she has forced him totake responsibility for hisactions. Now in these weeklysessions with Jack, Chuck,and Margaret, she continuesthe confrontation that ishealing her marriage.

Do you live with adifficult man? Do you have afriend caught in a punishingmarriage? Take Abigail as agood role model. Work tomake the best of a badsituation. Better, work to turnthe bad into good. Let Godwork in you and through youby His power to redeem abad relationship.

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This booklet is based on aportion of A Woman God CanUse by Alice Mathews, publishedby Discovery House Publishers© 1990. Alice is a regularparticipant on the RBC daily radio program Discover The Word.

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Documents

Abigail Leah Living in a Difficult Marriage