A Telephone Call to Mom and Dad

A Telephone Call to Mom and DadAuthor(s): Bernard WeinerSource: Psychological Inquiry, Vol. 7, No. 3 (1996), pp. 255-258Published by: Taylor & Francis, Ltd.Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/1448932 .

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Psychological Inquiry Copyright 1996 by 1996, Vol. 7, No. 3, 255-258 Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.

AUTHOR'S RESPONSE

A Telephone Call to Mom and Dad

Bernard Weiner Department of Psychology

University of California, Los Angeles

Hi Mom! Happy Mother's Day! Did the flowers I sent arrive? Great; last year I was so bugged when they came late for no good reason. So, how are you and Dad doing? Um, hum. Yea. But Mom, you can't expect to be able to do things like that anymore. You know that your arthritis is not going to get better. How about Dad? Also? God, he should not be picking up the leaves like that. He could call Tommy at the corner who would be glad to help, knowing Dad's condition. But don't get mad at him-sometimes he just misjudges things. It's not really his fault. Yea, that's him all right.

I am doing great. I love college. I went to this great party last week and met some great people. At Larry Pervin's pad. Yes you do, you remember Larry-lived up on Personality Avenue and used to get into alot of arguments and debates. Tried to grow that beard when he was younger and it didn't work. That's right. Ha ha. Yea, that was funny. Ha ha. I didn't know that.

Oh, about 12 people, maybe more. No, pretty much guys, but things are not like that here. We just don't go to parties to meet women. This is college. Well, we just sat around and talked and stuff like that. No dancing, just, you know, chatting. Well, there was one woman and another was with somebody. But she seemed too young for me and lives way on the other side of town, a neighborhood called New Haven. Not Heaven, but Haven. G.U.D. I said G.U.D.-geographically undesir- able. Yea, that's a great expression we have here.

Oh, they were very nice. I liked them alot. You know, smart, polite; God, they know everything. I think they are some of the wheelers and dealers on campus, so if I can get to be friends with them it would mean a whole lot. You know, maybe I could get to write something for the school newspaper and stuff like that, because some of them work there. I hear there might even be some summer jobs. Well, I had met a bunch of them before around campus, and a couple even came to our house a long time ago, but you won't remember them. No, they were not from our town but they know the place and where we live.

I don't know. It's hard to tell. I think they liked me. At least, a bunch did but probably some didn't. It's hard to tell, you know, they have a lot of social savvy-they just don't come right out and say they like you or not. I know that one thought I talked too much or something like that. I just thought I was talking to different people; I didn't know he was usually listening. Anyway, when I talk things through, I get a better handle on them. You know, I try to be open and to understand what others think about me and why. That's what you always tried to teach me, Mom, although I sometimes forget. And you always said to try my best and that's what counts, no matter how it comes out or what happens. You're the best mom. No, I mean it.

Well, the thing I like most about them is that they are different from me. I mean, I always seem to hang out with the gang from the old neighborhood. We understand each other. Talk the same language. Know our families. But these guys were different. I mean, you know, we come from this little city where things pretty much work, most people are the same, there are not a lot of problems, and we pretty much know what is going to happen next. That's what I like about our town. I mean, no surprises, things work. Nice and tidy. I just love that. I mean, I really love that; it's a great place to live. I'm really glad that Uncle Fritz talked us into moving away from Trent at Thackery, or TAT, as we used to call it.

Anyway, these people all wanted to take me out and show me new things, other towns, so to speak. Expand my consciousness, as we say here. Bring some chaos into my life. God, I never imagined that there would be so much to do and learn and what kinds of experiences I could have. I mean, college is great, Mom. Everybody is so different. They were all valedictorians. No, no, I don't mean chaos in a bad way, I mean complications, adding spice, you know, delight in disorder, as we say here at the dorm when our room is messy. And they have taken psychology courses so they seem to know all about me and can make me a better person.



WEINER

Dad, is that you? I heard that you strained your back. Dad, call Tommy to help you with the leaves, or you could really hurt your back again, given that disc of yours. He will be glad to help out. OK, but promise. He knows it's not just an excuse.

Well, I was just telling Mom about the party I went to. Met a bunch of new people and they all want to get me to try new things and even to change things about myself. Isn't that great? Well, all kinds of things. I don't know. I can't remember them all. And I had a couple of drinks before the party, you know how worried I can get about making a good impression. No, Dad, I was not drunk, so don't holler. No, there were no drugs or stuff like that. I know how you would feel if I did that. Don't worry.

So where was I? Oh yea, let me tell you about some of these people and what they suggested I should do and how I could be a better person. I can't wait to get started. Well, wait a second, let me try to remember. So much goes on here that I need a tape recorder. Ha ha. Come on Dad, you remember everything. Don't look for sympathy from me.

Well, we talked alot about our feelings. That's really important. And one of these guys, named Ed, felt that I was too governed by my feelings. You know, that I act before I think. He used a word called "self-regulation." He is right. If you don't know the real me, then it seems that I am just automatically driven by my passions. And someone else in the discussion, named Bill, also thought that about me, so they think there is something really wrong with the way I am. But you, Mom and Dad, know me better. I mean, how can someone from our home town be considered such a robot? Remember that quote I read you from that diary I wrote?

I suspect that the proper characterization of the think- ing-emotion union is just short of being "strong," i.e., one can reasonably contend that the relation between responsibility for a negative act and anger, as well as between nonresponsibility for a personal plight and sympathy, is both sufficient and perhaps even necessary. On the other hand, the feeling-behavior union is "weak," in that there is neither necessary nor sufficient causality-for example, there may be aggression without anger, and the presence of anger is not sufficient for aggression (italics added; Weiner, 1995, p. 258).

So I agree with Ed and Bill and should have expressed myself more clearly about this. You know, at a party, you can't monopolize the conversation so you have to leave a lot unsaid.

Anyway, this fellow Ed, he also wants to show me the more humanistic side of life that I have been missing. He may want to take me to art galleries, to places where people reach new heights; where I can finally be

me and show my best side. What do you think, Mom? That sounds scary. I read that sometimes you go to those places and then can't get out, I mean, well, it sounds so touchy-feely. I just don't think that's me.

Anyway, then Norm Feather got into the discussion. That's right, he was a few classes before me from that suburb, spoke with an Australian accent, and hung out with that Atkinson kid. I don't know what happened to Jack; they say he dropped out and travels a lot and stuff like that. So, as I was saying, he thinks I am too much focused on the negative side of life. He also is probably right. But, you know, when I don't get something I want I can't help but go over it again and again. I never wonder why a girl accepts me for a date, but I do wonder why I am rejected. And I seem to have so many words to describe myself when I feel bad but not when I feel good. So I guess I do focus on the negative, and maybe I shouldn't. I don't know for sure.

But what is exciting about Norm is that he wants to broaden my emotional life. Like Ed, he thinks I am too constrained, too limited. That's true; people from our town tend not to express a lot of different emotions, just the few that we are comfortable with. That's probably why I am dating a Finnish girl; they are like that. What do you think Mom? Should I try to experience envy, awe, and respect? That sounds scary; not at all neat and tidy. Not necessarily connected to why things have happened. Hold on a second, Mom, it's hot in here and I want to change my shirt.

Hi, I'm back. Turned on the fan. Well, we also talked a lot about responsibility. I mean, at the dorms we share a lot of our feelings and also what we think about being responsible. We get right down to the heart of life, the things that count. In one conversation I had with a fellow named Rick, but that might not have been his real name, he said that it seemed to him that I try to get out of things and think that not being responsible is such a big deal, when in fact accepting responsibility is not that bad in the long run. I perfectly agree with him, and it was something that I also talked about in that diary I sent you:

There is no solution to the dilemma that shifting per- ceptions of stigmas from controllable to uncontrollable causality is more humane as far as improving affective reactions of others and reducing retributions are concerned, whereas controllable causality fosters the be- lief that one can personally do something to overcome that problem. (Weiner, 1995, p. 84)

Then another kid named Ervin joined the group. He seemed like one of those real moral, committed persons, someone you really look up to as a role model. Anyway, he pointed out that I may not accept enough responsibility for what I do, and then can fault others and this

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justifies some of my callousness toward them. You know, I have not thought too much about this; I always try to be so rational. So this is another direction to expand my consciousness.

And this other fellow named Kelly joined in. I think he must be a philosophy major; those guys read everything. He made a different observation about me-he said that I do not blame people enough. And he is right about that; I try to never use that word. Here's what I wrote about it in my diary:

There are compelling reasons to differentiate responsibility from blame, even though in everyday language at times these might be used interchangeably. ... But if it is stated "She is responsible for ..." then this could be followed by either "our success" or "our failure." However, if it is said, "She is to be blamed for ...," this can only be concluded with a negative phrase. Thus, independent of context, responsibility is affectively neutral, whereas blame conveys emotional negativity. But is blame a mediator of subsequent social responses toward the transgressor? ... I would argue against this position.... Blame appears to be a cognition similar to responsibility, as well as an affect akin to anger. That is, it is a "blend" concept. Hence, I believe that when blame is proposed or demonstrated to mediate between responsibility and action, it is precisely because of its affective component.... One advantage of having the linkage between responsibility and action mediated by anger and sympathy rather than by blame is that this approach is able to account for positive or prosocial actions such as praising and help-giving as well as negative or antisocial responses such as reprimanding and punishing. (Weiner, 1995, pp. 15-17)

So you see, Mom and Dad, we really had great conver- sations. Oh, no, there was a lot more but this call is costing me a fortune. Well, a bunch of them said I treat all people the same, and do not consider their person- alities. Norm was on me about this, too. And again they are correct. I mean, I am concerned about whether a person is liberal or conservative, cause that's important to me. I believe in welfare, help for people with AIDS, and things like that, so I want to know about that. But I don't think about much else regarding differences between people, although I once did when I lived at TAT. That desire of mine to be neat and tidy and sure of myself and all the pieces of life fit together nicely-boy, that can be a burden. Were you like that, Dad?

Well, that's enough for you to get an idea of the party. Oh, sure, there was even more. A bunch of people were down from Iowa (someone named John was their leader) and they pointed out that I should pay more attention to the difference between what is said and what is privately thought. And a very nice person named Russ showed me how complex the behavior of others

can be, particularly when aggression is involved. These people made a lot of sense. And, oh, there was a lot more, but I am getting hoarse.

The woman? Her name was Joan and she majors in anthropology. Well, we agreed with each other in many ways, only she thought that we did not. That is the story of my life. For example, we were discussing one of our mutual friends, and she said that he lacked the innate and fixed ability to succeed in school. I also thought he lacked ability, but the missing skills could be learned. So she expected him to fail in the future, but I thought he might do OK. That sounded to her like a disagreement. But we agreed that ability could be considered as permanent or temporary, or on how stable it is, and we both based our predictions of the future on our beliefs about this stability. It is quite OK with my philosophy of life that she sees ability different from me; in our town we allow that. See, the point is that we use the same "deep structures," as Bill pointed out. Of course, different people in our dorm, as well as different people in different dorms, will disagree on what caused a certain person to fail in college, how that conclusion is reached, and on the very meaning of the cause, like our disagreement about what ability means. No problem, because life depends on "how it seems to me."

Well, Mom and Dad, I have to go. I've learned how important it is to meet other people. Yes, there are a lot of new things to see and do, and ways to improve myself. But I will have to see if I have the time and energy to follow their suggestions. Maybe if someone came with me, to help show the way, but they are all so busy with classes. Yes, Dad, I do know that I still have an incomplete to make up from last semester and I do want to retake that course I got a "D" in.

Well, I have to go. What are you going to do now? Oh, there is a lot on TV tonight. Be sure to watch the news. My friend Dan, you know, the one that lived near Uncle Fritz, was over when the news came on. Boy, those pictures of the Japanese earthquake were something. I feel so sorry for those people left without a home, especially the kids. Well, it makes no sense for me to send money, but I do wish I could help. And I don't understand why their government was not more prepared. No wonder they are angry; it even gets to me. No, I did not see that. Right in the middle of the program I had a telephone call. Some student I did not even know wanted to borrow my class notes-said that he went skiing and missed a lot of classes. Can you believe that! And he could have called all day or seen me in class, but instead he waited until suppertime when the news was on. That really bugged me. Even Dan got irritated.

A movie? Well, right after the news, The Fugitive is on. See, the police think this guy killed his wife on

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purpose, I think for the insurance money. So they want to arrest him for trial and punishment. He escapes and finds out that this other guy did it. So he's out for revenge and gets back at him. Great movie. It's on Station NBA (Nothing But Attributions).

Take care, both of you. Have a Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Dad, stay away from the leaves; you know what will happen given that disc of yours. I'll try to call next week, but you know how much I have to study. I miss you both.

Note

Bernard Weiner, Department of Psychology, Uni- versity of California, Los Angeles, CA 90024.

Reference

Weiner, B. (1995). Judgments of responsibility: A foundation for a theory of social conduct. New York: Guilford.

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A Telephone Call to Mom and Dad