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Day #4 of 8What is grief?Day #4 of 8

What is grief?

Roster: Handouts:

Please verify yourinformation and put a checkmark next to your name or add your name.

Please pick up a copy of today’s handouts.

http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm

Grief varies based on the type of lossunexpected vs. anticipated

Grief as a response to the loss of control that death represents

Five stages of griefD.A.B.D.A.

(Elizabeth Kübler-Ross)

Four statements to say out loudthat will increase acceptance

• AAffect + BBehavior + CCognitions(Emotions + Overt Behavior + Cognitions)

• “If we are fortunate enough to experience love, then we may also know grief.”

• “Everything is accomplished within the context of relationships.”

THREE CENTRAL CONCEPTS:

• Death represents a profound change in the nature of any relationship – bothwith others & with self.

• Many different types of death:

Physical Social Psychological

Self

Marital

Familial

Work & Play

The universal answer:

““I won’t.”I won’t.”

A COMMON QUESTION:

“How will I ever survive “How will I ever survive this?”this?”

““I won’t survive.”I won’t survive.”“…“…but I but I willwill get through this.”get through this.”

• Unexpected or off-time loss

• Expected or on-time loss

• Do I have any sense of control?

Grief – “It depends…”

Denial Anger Bargaining Depression

Acceptance

5 Stages/Phases of Grief: D.A.B.D.A.

Out of Control Relaxed

Conscious – “No!” Not true. I want a second opinion.

Suppression – I don’t want to think about it right now.

Repression – I forgot about it.No change in my thoughts, emotions

or behavior.

DENIALDENIAL

• Frustration-Aggression

• I have no control, so I attack those who have control – and are responsible – in my mind.

• Attack the messenger.

• Attack God.

• Why me?! & Why now?!

ANGERANGER

• A futile attempt to exert control.

• If I can live differently, then I’ll have a different outcome.

• What if I quit this behavior?!

• What if I start this behavior?!

• Eat. Pray. Love.

BARGAININGBARGAINING

• …FOR THE SURVIVOR:Counterfactual Thinking

• The fact: The person is dead

• The counterfactual thought:“The person would not be dead, if only…”

BARGAININGBARGAINING

Counterfactual Thinking

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Mr. Crane and Mr. Tees were scheduled to leave the airport

on different flights,at the same time.

They traveled from town to the airport in the same

limousine.

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They were caught ina bad traffic jam, andarrived at the airport30 minutes after the

scheduled departure time of their flights.

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Mr. Crane is told that his flight left on time,30 minutes ago.

Mr. Tees is told that his flight was delayed, and left just

5 minutes ago. Who is more upset,

Mr. Crane or Mr. Tees?"

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Just missing the flightby a moment

increasesthe counterfactual thoughts

of having caught it.

• All efforts are exhausted or seen to be futile.

• Still a high level of anxiety but helpless.

• Prone to anger and bargaining.

• Withdrawal from contact.

DEPRESSIONDEPRESSION

A peaceful acknowledgement of the way things are.

Relaxed and not withdrawn.

May selectively withdraw from those who are in denial, are angry or still bargaining.

May suppress the issue to focus mindfully on effective action.

ACCEPTANCEACCEPTANCE

The person may appear to othersto be in denial.

ACCEPTANCEACCEPTANCE

Four statements to say out loudthat help increase acceptance:

1. “I love you.”

2. “I know you love me.”

3. “We will be OK.”

4. “It is OK for you to go.”21

For survivors, if the death occurred after a prolonged illness, then these stages may have been experienced well in advance of the final moment.

This is true for divorce, too.

D.A.B.D.A.D.A.B.D.A.…and an anticipated loss.

• Not necessarily a linear process.

• Each is not necessarily experienced.

• Once experienced, a stage may be experienced again.

• One person’s acceptance may trigger another’s anger.

D.A.B.D.A.D.A.B.D.A.

• The relationship each of us has with any one human is unique.

• …and so the love within that relationship is unique,and

• the grief for the loss of that relationshipis unique.

D.A.B.D.A.D.A.B.D.A.

Review one year of your life in terms of

Holmes & Rahe’s 43-itemSocial Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS)

Some “no homework”before our next class:

Life Change Event# of times in the one

yearX the LCU’s

Retirement  X 45

Change in health of family member

 

X 44

Pregnancy  X 40

Gain of a new family member  

X 39

Business readjustments  

X 39

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The End.