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Do You Love Me?/A Real ManFollowing are the first two of four excerpts from

the series The Meaning of Love by Elisabeth Elliot

on her radio program, Gateway to Joy.

I'm quite surprised at how many letters I get from

men. So often they say: "Our marriage is falling apart.

I don't know what's happening, and I don't know what

to do about it. Elisabeth, please help me."

I don't think I can do any better than this talk given

to a men's gathering in1987, one of the most

moving stories I have

read. The man who spoke

said, "It's easy to scornwomen; most men do. Wesee women as physicallyweak, easily intimidated,bound to menial tasks ofmotherhood, emotional, illogical, and often petty.

"Or we see them as temptresseswe idolize and paradethem across magazine pages, yet scorn and hate them for

their commanding sexual power over us. Male scorn af-fects every aspect of our livesour relations with ourmothers, our girlfriends, our secretaries, our wives, ourchildren, the church, and even God Himself.

"I swaggered through marriage for many years ruling mywife Susan and my children with an iron hand while citingScripture to justify my privileges and authority. After all,Scripture explicitly commands wives to obey their hus-bands. Years of dominating my wife and children left themhabitually resentful and fearful of me, yet unwilling to chal-lenge me because of the fury it might provoke.

"I lived the adage that when the going gets tough, the

tough get going. My family experienced a different adage.When the tough get going, the going gets tough. I alien-ated Susan and the children and lost their love. Homewas not a pleasant place to be for them or me.

"Susan would have left me if it weren't for the children.And even that tie was losing its force. Then a number ofdramatic events occurred that wrought a profound changein my moral, psychological and spiritual life. My eyes wereopened, and my family has been restored.

"By 1983 we had six children and, despite our spiritualestrangement, Susan was four months pregnant. Our ba-bies had been born without problemshowever, in the

early hours of December 6, 1983, Susan began hemorrhaging and within two hours delivered our seventhbabydead. What a shock! At 2:00 a.m., in a stark, brighhospital delivery room, I held in my hand my tiny, lifelessson and stared in disbelief at his death.

"What an injustice. I should have died instead. I was guiltybut alive; he was innocent but dead. Instantly, I sawdeeply rooted in this universe an evil that affects even themost innocent. I realized that many things are beyond mypower. I could not raise my baby from the dead or com-

mand my wife's love.

That same instant I wasforced to choose: to rageagainst the universe containing this evil, to hate ifor harming and killing mybaby, or to acknowledgethat although this evil existed, although I waspowerless to undo many

of its effects or to fend off its attacks, other things re-mained very much within my power and under my influ-ence, particularly my living children and my wife, whom, to

now, I had treated so poorly. I had power to make theirlives worse by raging against my baby's death and mywife's lack of love, or to make their lives better by learningto love them properly.

Is there a man listening who needs to learn to love his

wife and children properly? This man says, "I had tochoose. I stared at my tiny, helpless, stillborn infant cra-

dled in my hand." In that critical instant, with God's

grace, he chose the arduous, undramatic, discouraging

path of trying to be good.

"The only way I couldlearn to love and ceasecausing pain was to suf-fer, endure, and strive torepudiate my anger, myresentment, my scorn,my jealousy, my lust, mypride and dozens ofother vices. I began hold-ing my tongue. I admittedmy faults and apologizedfor them. I quit

"TogetherAgain"

COVENANTCOUPLES

ALUMNINEWSLETTER

Covenant Keepers, Inc. Winter 2000

CONSIDER THE VIRTUESNECESSARY

TO A DEEP RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR

WIFEPATIENCE, LISTENING, HUMIL-

ITY, SERVICE, AND FAITHFUL, TENDER

LOVE.

Continued on Page 2


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quit defending myself when judged too harshly; the impor-tant thing was not to be right or thought well of, but tolove.

"I had made myself the center of attention too many yearsalready, so I said little about my own labors and sorrows. Isought to know Susan's and to help her bear them. Once Istarted listening to Susanbegan really hearing her anddrawing her outI was startled how many and how deepwere her wounds and sorrows. Sorrows that arise from

the particular physiology of women and from their voca-tion as mothers, which gives them heavy duties and re-sponsibilities while leaving them almost totally dependenton men for their material well-being and spiritual support.

"Sorrows that arrive from loving husbands and childrenintensely, but not being able to keep harm from them. Sor-rows that arise because much of our society still considerswomen stupid, flighty, and superficial, places very littlevalue on women, and shows very little respect for them.Of course womenbeing more attentive, more contem-plative and more tendersuffer these wounds far moreoften and with a greater intensity than most of us everrealize.

"And unless we ask them, womengenerally do not speak to us of thesesorrows, perhaps because we men sooften dismiss their troubles asinsignificant or write off women assimply weak and whiney.

"Think of the Virgin Mary. Her heartwas pierced by a sword of sorrow be-cause of the suffering of her son. Canwe men withdraw the sword of sorrowthat pierces every woman's heart? Idon't think so. Women rightly worry

about the health and spiritual welfare oftheir children. Their workload in thehome cannot easily be lightened. Thediapers always need to be changed andthe dishes washed. They're troubled by the fact of warand the horror of sin.

"There's little we can do to eliminate the causes of ourwives suffering. One friend, confronted at the end of hislong day with his wife's complaints about the noise, thetroubles, and the unending housework, snapped at her inexasperation, "Do you want me to stay home and do thehousework while you go to the office?" You understandhis point. He couldn't solve her problems. What did she

want him to do? She wanted him to listen, to understandand to sympathize. She wanted him to let her know thatdespite her problems, exhaustion, and dishevelment, heloved her. To let her know that he sorrowed at her suffer-ing and that if possible, he would change it for her. That'sall she wanted. And yet, that's everything.

"These problems can't be eliminated or even diminishedin frequency or their burdensome character. But we canmake them easier to bear. If we are to love our wives, tobe more than breadwinners and bed mates, to becomefull partners in our wives' spiritual and emotional liveswe must put away impatience, swagger and tough-guyattitudes and let our hearts know them and be pierced bythe swords of sorrow endured by our wives and children.

"We must help them carry the terrible burdens of their

lives. We must share the cup of their pain instead of pour-ing more pain into their cup. We must listen, not passivelywhile we think of other matters or read the paper, but ac-tively. We must comfort them spiritually and physicallytouch and hold them frequently (tenderly not sexually) sothey can see that we are not simply present to makeloveRather, we love to be in their presence.

"In fact, if you really desire to deepen your wife's love foryou and your love for her and to increase your intimacywith her (now listen to this one; this is a tough one, gen-tlemen) you should consider total celibacy for a brief period of time while you build spiritual trust.

"You must risk rejection when your wifelearns that you don't have all the answers and aren't as tough and self-contained as you want the world tobelieve. Don't be afraid that revealingweaknesses and doubts will cause yourwife to love you less. Remember howshe loves the weakness of babies andlittle children. Weakness melts thehearts of women and enables them togive you the space and the timenecessary to grow strong in real virtue.

"It's important that you pause to speak

tenderly to your wife and childrenoffering them support and encourage-ment that only a loving father can giveand that they can only receive from

you. Is this a recipe that will turn you into a wimp?Here we touch on a tension that penetrates to the verydepth of our souls as American men.

What is a real man? Strong? Silent? Independent?Dominant? With special privileges because the strongesby rights should rule? Or should a realman be a servantusing his strength not to rule the weaker, but to serve andprotect them.

I ask you to look at Mary's husband Joseph as yourmodel. Was he weak? No, he was a laborerphysicallyand morally strong, poor yet independent, able to protecthis family from mortal threats and to care for them underthe most difficult of circumstances.

IF WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVESWE MEN MUST PUT AWAY OUR IMPA-

TIENCE, OUR SWAGGER, OUR TOUGH-GUY ATTITUDES, AND LET OUR

HEART TOO, COME TO KNOW THEM.

Continued on Page 3


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MESSAGE FROM MARILYN

AS WE ENTER ANOTHER YEAR WE HAVE A WONDERFUL PROMISE FROM GOD'S WORD.

Deut 11:12 says, "a land which the LORD thy God careth for: the eyes of the LORD thy God are

always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year."

As we begin 2001 God promises us everything we need. The land ahead has both hills and valleys,

so we will have to deal with pain and loss but we also get to climb the mountains. God's Word andprayer gives us the strength and stamina to reach the top of the mountains and experience the joy

of endurance and a breathtaking view.

God tells us that His eyes are continually on our land as we begin this new year and to its

end...WHAT A WONDERFUL PROMISE!

"His daily labor was probably far more arduous than ours.Yet, although he was strong, he was not a tough man, aspiritually hard man. Imagine that you were Joseph, thatthe Christ Child were your foster child and that Mary wereyour wife. How would you bear yourself toward them?

Would you be aloof and distant? Would you swagger?Would you insist that you're the head of the family andthat Mary's place is in the kitchen? That her troubles areinsignificant compared to yours?

"Or would you treat them with great tenderness and care,seeking to serve instead of to be served. I know what Iwould do. Now think about how you treat your wife andchildren. Tell me why your wife should be treated withless respect than Mary, or your children with less ten-derness than Joseph showed to Jesus? Because theyare weak and have sinned, is that a reason to scorn orafflict them? Doesn't weakness and sinfulness call forgreater patience rather than less? Your wife and chil-

dren depend on you to set the tone for your family and tocreate an atmosphere of warmth and trust. Why shouldthey have to go to friends for love, comfort or guidance?

"I tried these methods and they worked. After three yearsof patience, listening, and growing in Susan's trustspending hundreds of hours talking with her about thedeepest and most private aspects of our lives and soulsSusan and I came to know each other just about as com-pletely as two humans can know each other.

"The love I gave her dissipated her anger, overcame hercynicism, softened herand gentled her so that

she was more forgivingof my faults, and shebecame available as asweet refuge for me inmy discouragement anddespair. Over months,as the atmosphere ofour home changed,Susan grew wise anddeep and holy. She be-came so comfortable inmy presence and wecame to know each

other so well, that often I could merely look at her andknow her thoughts. She was 39, and in three brief yearswe had gone from the verge of divorce to being bestfriends.

"After four miscarriages, two years ago Susan delivered ahealthy new babyJames Anthony. The long years opain and suffering seemed over. We felt on the verge of along and happy marriage. And we looked forwardfinallyto being able to raise our children in a family filled

with love and peace and holiness.

"Which is why I don't understand the ways of God. Be-cause then, barely four months after the baby was bornSusan unexpectedly was diagnosed as having terminacancer. Operated on two days later, she declined rapidlyAnd just five months ago, Susan died at home, holding myhand, surrounded by family and friends.

"The eight months of her suffering and death crownedour, by then, intense friendship and love, drawing us evencloser to each other as Susan grew weaker, more helpless and dependent. It was then that I could show her howmuch I really loved her, caring for her daily, and helping

her prepare for the death we saw coming. Throughoutthose months of increasingly worse medical news, unproductive pills, fruitless operations and ineffective medicaprocedures, Susan and I grew closer to God and closer toeach other and to our children.

"The story of the holiness of her death is very beautiful. only speak of our life together as it relates to male spiritu-ality, and how it relates to how we men should bear our-selves toward women, especially our wives.

Ive told you these details of my own life to serve for you

Continued on Page 4

HER SUFFERING AND DEATH

CROWNED OUR INTENSE FRIENDSHIP

AND LOVE, DRAWING US EVEN CLOSER

TO EACH OTHER


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as a promise and a warning. Seven children and a wifejust dead, how can I speak of gifts? It's not because I my-self am particularly saintly; I'm not. But even a sinner likeme would have to be blind not to see the goodness thatcame out of the tragedies of the last few years.

"Remember the first part of my story, the horrible es-trangement that existed between Susan and me? I re-ceived the incredible gift of circumstances, grace and timeto overcome that estrangement. Four short

years, in the midst of many painful tragediesand intense personal suffering, time torepair the breach between us, to becomemy wife's best friend. Time to win her confi-dence so she could rest in the shelter of mylove when her disease was diagnosed andnestle closer to me spiritually as eachdreadful day went by. That is a priceless gift.Time and desire and patience and grace tolearn to love properly. To have her learn toaccept my love in absolute simplicity andtrust. To allow me to suffer her cancer anddeath with her. It was the greatest joy I have

ever experienced."I conclude by asking a number of questions. This morn-ing as you pray with us for holiness, how close are you toyour wife and family? Remember your children and your

wife who need you desperately. For you are the strongesamong them. Carry home with you this questionhowclose am I to my wife and family? Are there things I cando to become closer? Am I too caught up in the urgentasks of my life to perform the important ones of caring forthose who are my special responsibilitymy wife and mychildren?

"Let me ask you another question; one that I will answerfor you. I indicated earlier that my remarks

would be relevant not merely to yourelations with women and to your wife, butalso to your relations with the rest of youfamily, with other people, and ultimately withGod Himself.

"Let me now show you why that's so. Con-sider the virtues I have recommended asnecessary to a deep relation with youwifepatience, listening, humility, serviceand faithful, tender love.

Ill give His list again: Patience, listeninghumility, service and faithful, tender love.

Used by permission of Gateway to Joy, a daily radio produc-

tion of Back to the Bible. Find information about the ministry

of Gateway to Joy and Elizabeth Elliott plus transcripts of

previous broadcasts on the Internet at www.gatewaytojoy.org

XVIIRules For a Happy Marriage From Gods Great BookHere is another in the series of 17 nuggets of wisdom mined from the life experiences of Alvin Garner forwarded tous by his daughter Tomeka Garner. Thanks to Alvin Garner for graciously allowing us to present these to you. If you want a copy of the entire series, send $1.00 and ask for 17 Rules. We will mail you a copy.

VIII.

Agree That Divorce Is Not the AnswerWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6 "Whosoever shall put away his wife,

except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away dothcommit adultery. Matthew 19:9 "The woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as heliveth. Romans 7:2

The Bible is clear. The ties of marriage are meant to be indissoluble and indestructible. Divorce is permissibleonly in the case of adultery. But even then it is not demanded, only permitted. Forgiveness is always betterthan divorce, even in the case of a moral fall.

Marriage is for life. God so ordained it when He performed the first wedding in Eden. Thoughts of divorce asa solution will destroy any marriage. This is one reason Jesus ruled it out. Divorce is always destructive andalmost never a solution to the problem. Instead, it creates much greater problems, so it should never be con-sidered. Torn, frustrated, unhappy, twisted lives almost inevitably follow divorce, and even success in life it-self is thwarted.

God instituted marriage to guard peoples purity and happiness, to provide for their social needs, and to ele-vate their physical, mental, and moral nature. Its vows are among the most solemn and binding obligationsthat human beings can assume. To lightly set them aside results in removing ones self from Gods favor andblessing.

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01febalumni (01 Feb Alumni - Covenant Keepers, Inc.)