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‘THE BIOLOGICAL IMMIGRANT’By ARKAS
The Biological Immigrant 1
G: I’m tired of doing nothing . It’s been a week that we ‘ve been on the blink..Tell me. Have you,by any chance , heard when we are getting out of the hospital ? Hey , Liver! I’m talking to you.
L: I’m worried Gall Bladder !
G: You always worry. If you didn’t worry ,I’d be worried about that !
L: Don’t tease me. Things are serious.
G: Who are we gonna get trouble from? Sit down and relax. Enough of your back and forth. You’re making me dizzy. Are we gonna get trouble from the new guy ?
L: Yes..! Well, not from him exactly… Poor thing , you saw him yourself,as meek as a lamb.. We ‘ll get trouble from the other guys.
G: What other guys ?
L: The other guys who are lurking like a pack of wild hyenas ready to attack ! I honestly wonder , how come they haven’t done it yet..
G: Ok. When I get my degree in Psychiatry I might get you.
L: I’m not crazy Gall Bladder, I know what I’m talking about !
G: So, what have you been saying ? That we’ll have trouble because some guys , looking like rabid dogs ,will rush upon us like hyenas, bite us and we’ll get rabies too?
L: Is that what I’ve just told you ?
G: What have you been telling me ?
L:Why are you always twisting my words ? Why don’t you just listen to what I have to say ?
G: Listen to what ? It’s been fifteen minutes now that you’ve been pacing up and down , talking nonsense.
L: You haven’t let me finish, have you ? Have you let me explain ,so you can see if I’m talking nonsense ?
G: Well, I’m listening. Let’s see what you have to say. Why are you looking at me like that ? There, speak !
L: Well, I was saying that I’m really worried. I’m afraid we’ll get in major trouble, big problems …
The Biological Immigrant 2
G:Now that you mention trouble, have you talked to Stomach about yesterday ?
L:Just tell me , are you doing this on purpose ?
G: What ?
L: Didn’t you say that you wouldn’t interrupt me ?
G: Just asking…
L: An irrelevant question, the minute I’m trying for the nth time to tell you something important ! Well , you know what ?Why am I talking to you in the first place as if I don’t know you after all these years!Foolish and flippant, that’s what you’ve always been !
Spleen: Are you fighting again ?
L: Hi there, Spleen.
S: Do you know how far people can hear you ? Down to the ankles !
L:So, what did you hear ?
S:All of your yelling ! What would you expect me to hear ?There is no peace and quiet in here anymore !.. What was all that ruckus in the bowels last night?
L: Nah, that was nothing. A slight indigestion … Poor coordination.
S: What sort of poor coordination ?
L: Nothing much , I’m telling you. It’s just until we get used to solid food again .. Stomach rushed digestion ,a bit.. Gall Bladder was not given reasonable notice to start functioning ..
G:Yeah, take it out on me now ! Why ? Am I to blame ?
L: Have I said it’s your fault ?
G: But it’s not my fault ! How come it’s my fault ? Am I to blame when the others don’t do their job properly ?
L:And what did I say ? Isn’t that what I said ?Didn’t I say poor coordination? ..Do you want to get on my nerves again ?
S: Cut it out !We have more serious problems …
The Biological Immigrant 3
L: Of course we do have more serious problems !.. And the major one is that we still can’t recover from the surgery. That’s why we don’t cooperate well…
S: Exactly ! As if it wasn’t pretty messy around here, we wanted to have an operation as well .We needed a kidney transplant like a hole in the head …
L: Enough already !...The kidney transplant was our salvation !
S: Salvation from what ?What was our problem ? Were we at risk of something ? ..Anyway .. I heard that you had talked to him ..
L: Talked to whom ?
S: To the foreigner.
G: She is talking about the new kidney.
L: Oh, the new kidney? ..Well, he’s no stranger… He’s one of us now..He seems a nice guy…G: Well.. I don’t know… He looked like a moron to me..
L: Never have a good word to say about anyone ‘cause you’ll get cholecystitis !... Save it , the guy is cool..He is just worn out. He went through a lot to get here .
S:Oh, really ? Then why didn’t he stay where he was in the first place ?
L:Stay where? His body was wrecked in a car accident! Brain dead and most of its organs compromised.
S: And how did he get away with it ?
L: He got lucky… That is, not only him, but some other organs as well, so he says. Anyway , he went through hell to get here. A long journey ! Eighteen hours on ice !He is still numb !
S:It seems to me you ‘ve come to like him..
L: Why not ?I’m telling you he’s a nice guy. You’ll get to know him and you’ll see, you’ll become friends.
S: And you, Gall Bladder ? What did you think of the foreigner ?
G:I already told you. He’s losing it. Liver can say whatever he likes, but the bloke is a fool.
L: I’d like to see the state you would be in, if they had kept you on ice for eighteen hours.
The Biological Immigrant 4
G: Ice drops the body temperature , not the IQ.
S: I disagree. I don’t think he’s dump. On the contrary, I believe that he is very clever. He managed to sneak into our body and now he is seeking for pity so that we feel sorry for him and get to like him..But he shouldn’t count his chickens…
L: What do you mean by saying he shouldn’t count his chickens ? Because it sounds like a direct threat to me ..
S: It is a threat !
L: What threat ? Who are you threatening ?... Will you finally tell us what you mean ?
S: I mean the immune system ! That’s what I mean !
G: Oh ! The bullies ! We had forgotten all about them !
S: These bullies,you bozo ,stay vigilant so that you can sleep safe ! So show some respect and watch your mouth about them !
L: Why are you so snappy ?
S: Because I’m part of the immune system ,too !
L: So, what ? Why all this tension ? I thought you ‘ve taken down a peg lately..
S:We seem settled down because immunosuppressants have brought us to our knees. But pretty soon we will be regrouping for another assault to the foreigner!
L: Just a sec, to keep the record straight ..The immune system’s job is to attack foreign invaders. The New Kidney is a useful foreigner. He works for our own good. Why should you attack him ?
S: Listen and learn..
T: First and foremost a foreigner is always a foreigner ! And then , I ask you, what good is he to us the one in question ? Some of you might respond that he has saved us the trouble of haemodialysis. And I ask, what harm did haemodialysis do to us ? The whole hassle about haemodialysis is mainly psychological. Organically it causes no trouble. Psychological issues should be dealt with by the Brain alone.He can’t drag just any outsider in here, just to suit his own convenience. When on haemodialysis ,the blood is purified by a device. The device is clean ! Sterilised ! Impersonal ! It does its job and that’s it .While you never know what kind of trouble he is gonna cause in the near future. How do you know where he comes from? How do you know what kind of disease he is carrying ? A foreigner can’t be compatible with us! He is foreign blood ! Foreign DNA! What does he have to do with our organism ? Since the moment he stepped foot in here nothing has run properly. The
The Biological Immigrant 5
immune system is suppressed !The organism is unguarded! Helpless! Prey to any invader! At risk of getting anything anytime ! From a little sniffle to CANCER! That’s why you should always remember that thanks to us, you exist !Without the immune system you are dead. We protect the organism, because only we love him. And since talk is cheap.. The foreigner must leave and he will do so.. And you, if you love the organism you will have to align yourselves with us. We are giving the ultimate battle for the salvation of the organism, because the immunosuppressants are certain death. Therefore, in this battle, whoever is not with us, is against us.
( Thymus and Spleen leave )
G: I can’t believe it ! Now ,they are threatening us as well ? Are they out of their minds ?
L: Did you get now what I was trying to tell you before while you just kept cutting in with nonsense ?
G: But how can you believe all their waffling ? Has the immune system randomly become the terror and fear of the organism? Tonsils are also part of the immune system, are we going to start being afraid of Tonsils as well ?
L: Don’t play it smart. I know what I’m talking about.
G: What exactly are you saying ? That we should worry that Tonsils might come down and start kicking the Kidney ?
L: I know that our immune system has been having problems for a long time. Can’t you see how aggressive it has become ?
G: Ok, as we said, they are bullies , but this doesn’t mean they can attack the Kidney. They might as well bully ,let us say, bacteria and staphylococci, but a whole Kidney, how can they handle that ?
L: They get under their control five hundred million Lymphocytes. How can you forget about that ?
G: With all the immunosuppressants that we are administered, half of them, if any, are left ..
L: Oh, so if the kidney is attacked by two hundred and fifty million Lymphocytes , there is no problem…
G: But even those that are left have become ponderous because of the drugs. They can barely move their legs. Yesterday I saw several of them and they looked pathetic..Remember the way they would go about, looking like Rambo ..? Well, nothing like it !They are literally shuffling.
The Biological Immigrant 6
L: I don’t know.. That’s not good either..They are right to be saying that with such a compromised immune system we are in danger of other things…
G: Oh! You are kidding me ! Just pick a phobia ! You can’t be worried about everything!
L: It’s essential they not attack the new kidney. If they eliminate the Kidney we will be back to haemodialysis.
G: Enough with the new Kidney ! Did anything happen to us when we were on haemodialysis? If the Brain was feeling sorry, that would be his problem.. Thymus Gland is right.
L: Thymus Gland says whatever suits him. Haemodialysis is great distress for the Organism. Do you know how hard it was for the Heart ?
G: Really ? Is Madame de Pompadour stressed out ?
L: Hold your tongue when talking about the Heart !
G: I can’t stand all that treacle… Whenever you say Heart, you miss a heartbeat.
L: I honestly don’t understand you. How can you be jealous of the Heart ?
G: Me , jealous ? What should I be jealous of ? Her looks, shaped like an inverted pear or her career, she working day and night like a slave ?
L: Even though I know that it’s impossible to reason with you, I’ll keep on trying..Well, has it occurred to you that if we go back to haemodialysis, the immunosuppressants will stop , since the new Kidney that needs to be protected ,will be no more ?
G: So, what ?
L: So what , you fool ! If we come off the immunosuppressants they will become riotous !
G:Well,let them be! Their riotousness will be addressed towards foreigners, not towards us . What do we care ?
L: We do care Gallbladder! They won’t only be promiscuous with strangers; they’ll be with us as well. You heard what they said: "You’re either with us or against us".
G: But how can our own immune system want to hurt us? That’s not possible!
L: I’ll put it in a few words: autoimmune diseases! ... Have you heard of them?
G: I have. What about them?
The Biological Immigrant 7
L: Do you know what they are?
G: Of course I do! It’s when the immune system attacks..... (Suddenly alarmed) What are you talking about? Are you out of your mind? To do this the immune system must be….
L. Say it! What must it be?
G: This is impossible! ...
L: It’s not impossible at all! The immune system attacks itself when it is sick! When it's gone mad! And, unfortunately, all the evidence about our own points that way.
G: OK! ... Let’s keep our cool! ... You know me, I don’t like them at all, but we can’t say they’re mad just because they want to get rid of the foreign Kidney, I think this is too much!
L: It's not just the foreign Kidney; there are lots of other signs....
G: What, allergies? Okay! Spring grates on them and they come to blows with pollen. I know this is annoying but...
L: I'm not talking about allergies. It’s something more, something more serious ... well, let’s drop the subject...
G: Are you kidding me? You haven’t stopped talking for an hour now, you’ve made me dizzy with your worries and your suspicions and now you’re telling me you want to drop the subject! Please, don’t play with my nerves!
L: Okay, I'll tell you. But you must promise to keep your mouth shut...
G: Go on!
L: Well, they say that our kidneys...
G: What about them?
L: Well, they did it!
G: "They" who?
L: They destroyed them!
G: Who are you talking about?
L: Them! The Immune system! ... Who have we been talking about all this time?
G: What? Who says this? Have you all lost your minds?
L: Calm down!
G: Don’t tell me to calm down! How can I calm down when you tell me that our organs are being murdered by our own immune system?
L: I told you! Nothing has been proved... Let's forget about it.
The Biological Immigrant 8
G: We’re not going to forget about it! You’re going to tell me everything! In detail! Everything! You hear me? Who told you, when, where, why ... everything!
L: I told you nothing has been proved yet.... There are some testimonies ... Some lymphocytes have said something ... At a point there seems to have been a misunderstanding between some lymphocytes and the Coronary Artery- I don’t know exactly what the reason was - ... So, while they were arguing the Lymphocytes turned to the Coronary Artery and told her: "Watch your mouth, we won’t take this lying down. We’ll take care of you like we did with the kidney.”
G: They told her that?
L: That’s right!
G: And how do you know? Were you there?
L: No, the Coronary Artery told the Heart and she informed us.
G: Oh, she again! You should have told me she told you! She lied to you and you fell for it!
L: In that case, why don’t you, smart guy, tell me what destroyed our kidneys?
G: How should I know? ... Some disease ...there was no exact diagnosis.
L: Right, because autoimmune diseases are not always easily diagnosed!
G: So you insist!
L: All the evidence leads to that! ... We discussed it at the meeting.
G: What meeting?
L: We had a meeting to discuss it.
G: Who are “we”?
L: All the primary vital organs. The Heart, the Lungs ... the Brain was on an open line...
G: Right! So what did you talk about at that meeting? Of course, if we plebeians are allowed to know! Things are happening here and we, outsiders, have no idea!
L: You’re being unfair! I, I’ve never treated you as a plebeian or an outsider. And I’ve told you everything even though this is nonstandard!
G: That was wise of you! What did you discuss at that meeting?
L: What I told you. We came to the conclusion that the Immune system caused the collapse of our kidneys. We’re almost certain.
G: But why did they do it? Do you know?
The Biological Immigrant 9
L: How can I put it….it was a power game! They did it because they’ve gone crazy and want to take control of the whole body.
G: Imagine managing to do it and appointing the Spleen Commander of the Upper Chamber! I think I’m going to kill myself!
L: They control an army of fanatic lymphocytes and they think they are omnipotent! ... They first attacked the kidneys and hemodialysis served them fine because it made the body more vulnerable...But they didn’t take the transplantation and the immunosuppressants into account!
G: If it's like you say, if anything happens to the new kidney, we’re through. We mustn’t let them anywhere near him.
L: Yeah, right! Now that you’ve realized you’re in danger, you’ve become interested in the Kidney’s health, haven’t you? Earlier you told me, “Let them get rid of him, what do we care?”
G: What can I do? Unselfish altruism is your domain. I am for sins.
K: Hello.
L: Oh, hi Kidney! We were just talking about you! How are you? Have you got adjusted?
K: Yes … that is, I'm trying to.
G: Are you defrosted yet?
K: Excuse me?
L: Nothing. Gallbladder is joking. You must have a lot of work to do, eh?
K: No, why?
L: I mean, there used to be two of you in the other body, while here you’re on your own. You do all the work.
K: Oh, I'm not afraid of work. In my body, basically, I did the job on my own. The right kidney was resting.
G: It would be better if they didn’t know you used to be a leftish….
L: Gallbladder! Are you happy here?
K: I am but I’m still a foreigner!
L. A foreigner?! Don’t you ever say that again! You’re one of us now!
K: Thank you, but not everyone thinks the same ... Some have a different opinion ... There are some lymphocytes...
G: Hm…
The Biological Immigrant 10
L: What do they do to you?
K: Nothing, they just pass by and say things such as ...”Foreigners out!”, “Go back to your corpse”, and "Patience Kidney, you will soon go where you belong, to the ground ".
G: Ah! I know that one! He’s such a bum! He’s a round white one, isn’t he?
K: I don’t know ...they all look the same to me.
L: Don’t mind them. You go after your business and don’t listen to them. And above all, don’t provoke them! Lymphocytes in general, dislike anything strange to the body.... Don’t mind what they say ... And don’t forget that things could be a lot worse.
K: What do you mean?
G: Besides a foreigner, you could also be black or a Jew.
L: I mean you too could have been killed in that car crash in which your body died.
K: Yes, you’re right, but I’m a bit worried...
L: There’s no need to worry, at least for the time being.
K: When do you think I should start worrying?
G: When you see them coming with lit crosses.
L: Will you stop?
G: Ah! Why are you screaming! You scared me to death!
L: And you’ve made me dizzy!
K: Ha ha! You’re so funny you two. Do you always argue like that?
G: Well, we have a wide range of arguments!
L: We’re not arguing. We just sometimes shout a little to feel alive. Here we are all very close. You’ll see for yourself now that you have become one of us.... As for the lymphocytes, just try not to provoke them...
K: Yes, okay ... sorry for complaining... I’m prepared for everything. I know there's always the fear of rejection of the transplant... But I don’t mind ... I have nothing to lose. Every day I'm alive, it's a gain. I'm prepared for the worst...
L: The worst has passed. You’re lucky to have survived the accident and we’re lucky to have found you and escape from hemodialysis.
K: Really now, your Kidneys ... how?
L: It’s a long story. Some disease...
K: Diabetes?
The Biological Immigrant 11
L: No, something else. There has never been an accurate diagnosis...
S: Well, well! All the good fellows are here!
L: Spleen, let me introduce you to our new Kidney.
K: Nice to meet you.
S.( He ignores his hand, walks around him and scrutinizes him with contempt) So this is the new one. Is it for his sake that you let them feed you poison and destroy your immune system? Is this pikey worth more than us?
K: I did not have any intention of creating...
L: Have you told him what he can expect? I need to know! Because we are men and hit straight! ...
L: Spleen, you threaten and bluster but you know pretty well that you won’t carry it through. Lymphocytes have had so many immunosuppressants they cannot even walk. If it were otherwise, you wouldn’t come over here all the time to threaten us. You would have carried it through long ago!
G. Spleen guess what! Cortisone is looking for you...
S: I personally will take care of you when the time comes. And believe me; I am going to enjoy it!
G: Do you also deal with gallbladders? I thought your specialty was kidneys!
S: I deal with everyone and you will find that out soon! See you! I’m not done with you yet! (He leaves)
G: Well, I'm so happy! You didn’t mince your words! I didn’t expect it from you!
L: Yes, but you know that if they cut the immunosuppressants, you and I are the first on their list now.
K: I want to apologize for the inconvenience I’m causing.
L: Well, at the point we have come we have to tell you what's really going on. We’re keeping something from you, something about our own Kidneys...
K: Do you know what they died of?
L: The immune system...
K: An autoimmune disease?
L: Yes, unfortunately!
K: Well, then ... what hopes do I have? I see it coming. They’re going to lynch me! This explains everything ... I mean, so much care ... Not that I blame you, not at all.
The Biological Immigrant 12
L: No, you’re mistaken! We care for you!
G Come on, cut it off! We agreed to tell truth. Listen Kidney, I, for myself, didn’t give a damn whether Lymphocytes would cut you to pieces or not. I didn’t care about hemodialysis either. But when he explained the situation to me, I saw things differently. I thought, if something happens to the kidney, then it may be my turn. But now that I’ve got to know you better –whether you believe it or not - I like you a lot. That's all.
L: You have to believe her. This is the first time in her life she’s ever said something nice to someone. Tomorrow you’ll do an ultrasound to see if you're okay.
K: Thank you Gallbladder! And what I feel about you ...I don’t know how to say it...
G: We understand.
K: I must be going; there must be a lot of work to do. Because of the surgery we're still on a drip and ... you understand what I mean, there are lots of fluids...
L: Go. And remember what we said: We’re not afraid of them, but we don’t provoke them...
G: There’s something that doesn’t make sense to me ... Don’t they see it? If they kill other organs, like they did with the Kidneys, the whole body will collapse in the end. Won’t they die together with it? Don’t they see it?
L. They are fanatics ... Fanaticism, Gallbladder, is short-sighted.
G: Do they teach you such things at the meetings? I am very impressed!
L: Gallbladder!
G: Listen! Did you hear that? What is it?
L; Watch out Kidney! They’re attacking the Kidney! Run!
They finally killed him. They made it! That was it ... Now we’re at their mercy!
X: Murderers!
G: What are we going to do now? I'm scared!
L: We’ll deal with it!
G: How? When five hundred maniac d lymphocytes attack me, will you defend me, will you save me?
L: Did I say that to you?
G: What did you tell me?
L: That is exactly what I told you!
The Biological Immigrant 13
