TheDevil’sDictionary

By

AmbroseBierce

A

ABASEMENT,n.Adecentandcustomarymentalattitudeinthepresenceofwealthorpower.Peculiarlyappropriateinanemployeewhenaddressinganemployer.

ABATIS,n.Rubbishinfrontofafort,topreventtherubbishoutsidefrommolestingtherubbishinside.

ABDICATION,n.Anactwherebyasovereignattestshissenseofthehightemperatureofthethrone.

ABDOMEN,n.The templeof thegodStomach, inwhoseworship,withsacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faithcommandsbutastammeringassent.Theysometimesministeratthealtarinahalf-heartedandineffectiveway,buttruereverencefortheonedeitythatmenreallyadoretheyknownot.Ifwomanhadafreehandintheworld'smarketingtheracewouldbecomegraminivorous.

ABILITY,n.Thenaturalequipmenttoaccomplishsomesmallpartofthemeanerambitionsdistinguishingablemenfromdeadones.Inthelastanalysisability is commonly found to consistmainly in a high degree of solemnity.Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easytasktobesolemn.

ABNORMAL,adj.Notconformingtostandard.Inmattersofthoughtandconduct,tobeindependentistobeabnormal,tobeabnormalistobedetested.Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic]resemblance of the AverageMan than he hath to himself.Whoso attaineththeretoshallhavepeace,theprospectofdeathandthehopeofHell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of littleworth found cumbering the soil of anewlydiscoveredcountry.Theysoonceasetocumber;theyfertilize.

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shotand thedepartureof thesoldierwhose interestsaremostaffectedby it.Dr.Samuel Johnsonbeautifully saidofanotherauthor's ideas that theywere"concatenatedwithoutabruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with thepropertyofanother.

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection ofanother.

ABSENTEE,n.Apersonwithanincomewhohashadtheforethoughttoremovehimselffromthesphereofexaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy isone in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases theassassins.Notmanyabsolutemonarchiesare left,mostof themhavingbeenreplacedbylimitedmonarchies,wherethesovereign'spowerforevil(andforgood)isgreatlycurtailed,andbyrepublics,whicharegovernedbychance.

ABSTAINER,n.Aweakpersonwhoyieldsto thetemptationofdenyinghimselfapleasure.Atotalabstainerisonewhoabstainsfromeverythingbutabstention,andespeciallyfrominactivityintheaffairsofothers.

ABSURDITY,n.Astatementorbeliefmanifestly inconsistentwithone'sownopinion.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy weretaught.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football istaught.

ACCIDENT,n.An inevitableoccurrencedue to theactionof immutablenaturallaws.

ACCOMPLICE,n.Oneassociatedwithanother inacrime,havingguiltyknowledge and complicity, as an attorneywho defends a criminal, knowinghimguilty.Thisviewoftheattorney'spositioninthematterhasnothithertocommanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee forassenting.

ACCORD,n.Harmony.

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of anassassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY,n.Themotherofcaution.

ACCUSE,v.t.Toaffirmanother'sguiltorunworth;mostcommonlyasajustificationofourselvesforhavingwrongedhim.

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader whoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had,unconsciouslytohim,passedthroughhisneck,asrelatedbydeJoinville.

ACHIEVEMENT,n.Thedeathofendeavorandthebirthofdisgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another'sfaultsisthehighestdutyimposedbyourloveoftruth.

ACQUAINTANCE,n.Apersonwhomweknowwell enough to borrow

from,butnotwellenoughtolendto.Adegreeoffriendshipcalledslightwhenitsobjectispoororobscure,andintimatewhenheisrichorfamous.

ACTUALLY,adv.Perhaps;possibly.

ADAGE,n.Bonedwisdomforweakteeth.

ADAMANT, n.Amineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble insolicitateofgold.

ADDER,n.Aspeciesofsnake.Socalledfromitshabitofaddingfuneraloutlaystotheotherexpensesofliving.

ADHERENT,n.Afollowerwhohasnotyetobtainedallthatheexpectstoget.

ADMINISTRATION,n.An ingeniousabstraction inpolitics,designed toreceive thekicksandcuffsdue to thepremierorpresident.Amanof straw,proofagainstbad-egginganddead-catting.

ADMIRAL, n. That part of awar-shipwhich does the talkingwhile thefigure-headdoesthethinking.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance toourselves.

ADMONITION,n.Gentlereproof,aswithameat-axe.Friendlywarning.

ADORE,v.t.Tovenerateexpectantly.

ADVICE,n.Thesmallestcurrentcoin.

AFFIANCED,pp.Fittedwithanankle-ringfortheball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION,n.Anacclimatizingprocesspreparingthesoulforanotherandbitterworld.

AFRICAN,n.Aniggerthatvotesourway.

AGE,n.Thatperiodof life inwhichwecompoundfor thevices thatwestillcherishbyrevilingthosethatwehavenolongertheenterprisetocommit.

AGITATOR,n.Astatesmanwhoshakesthefruittreesofhisneighbors—todislodgetheworms.

AIR,n.AnutritioussubstancesuppliedbyabountifulProvidenceforthefatteningofthepoor.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thievingwithapretenceofopenmarauding.

ALIEN,n.AnAmericansovereigninhisprobationarystate.

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the

Christian,Jewish,andsoforth.

ALLIANCE,n.Ininternationalpolitics,theunionoftwothieveswhohavetheir hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannotseparatelyplunderathird.

ALLIGATOR,n.ThecrocodileofAmerica,superiorineverydetailtothecrocodileoftheeffetemonarchiesoftheOldWorld.HerodotussaystheIndusis,withoneexception,theonlyriverthatproducescrocodiles,buttheyappeartohavegoneWestandgrownupwiththeotherrivers.Fromthenotchesonhisbackthealligatoriscalledasawrian.

ALONE,adj.Inbadcompany.

ALTAR,n.Theplacewhereuponthepriestformerlyraveledoutthesmallintestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked itsfleshforthegods.Thewordisnowseldomused,exceptwithreferencetothesacrificeoftheirlibertyandpeacebyamaleandafemaletool.

AMBIDEXTROUS,adj.Abletopickwithequalskillaright-handpocketoraleft.

AMBITION,n.Anovermasteringdesire to bevilifiedby enemieswhilelivingandmaderidiculousbyfriendswhendead.

AMNESTY,n.Thestate'smagnanimitytothoseoffenderswhomitwouldbetooexpensivetopunish.

ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary alreadysufficientlyslippery.

ANTIPATHY,n.Thesentimentinspiredbyone'sfriend'sfriend.

APHORISM,n.Predigestedwisdom.

APOLOGIZE,v.i.Tolaythefoundationforafutureoffence.

APOSTATE,n.Aleechwho,havingpenetratedtheshellofaturtleonlytofind that thecreaturehas longbeendead,deems it expedient to formanewattachmenttoafreshturtle.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactorandgraveworm'sprovider.

APPEAL,v.t.Inlaw,toputthediceintotheboxforanotherthrow.

APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as asolutiontothelaborquestion.

APPLAUSE,n.Theechoofaplatitude.

APRILFOOL,n.TheMarchfoolwithanothermonthaddedtohisfolly.

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than abishop.

ARCHITECT,n.Onewhodraftsaplanofyourhouse,andplansadraftofyourmoney.

ARDOR,n.Thequalitythatdistinguisheslovewithoutknowledge.

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesmanwrestleswithhisrecord.

ARISTOCRACY,n.Governmentbythebestmen.(Inthissensethewordisobsolete;soisthatkindofgovernment.)Fellowsthatweardownyhatsandcleanshirts—guiltyofeducationandsuspectedofbankaccounts.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is ablacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioterhangedtoalamppost.

ARREST,v.t.Formallytodetainoneaccusedofunusualness.

ARSENIC,n.Akindofcosmeticgreatlyaffectedby the ladies,whomitgreatlyaffectsinturn.

ART,n.Thiswordhasnodefinition.ItsoriginisrelatedasfollowsbytheingeniousFatherGassalascaJape,S.J.

ARTLESSNESS,n.Acertainengagingqualitytowhichwomenattainbylong study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased tofancyitresemblesthecandidsimplicityofhisyoung.

ASPERSE,v.t.Maliciouslytoascribetoanotherviciousactionswhichonehasnothadthetemptationandopportunitytocommit.

ASS, n. A public singerwith a good voice but no ear. InVirginia City,Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, andeverywheretheDonkey.Theanimaliswidelyandvariouslycelebratedintheliterature,artandreligionofeveryageandcountry;noothersoengagesandfiresthehumanimaginationasthisnoblevertebrate.Indeed,itisdoubtedbysome(Ramasilus,lib.II.,DeClem.,andC.Stantatus,DeTemperamente)ifitisnotagod;andassuchweknowitwasworshipedbytheEtruscans,and,ifwemaybelieveMacrobious,bytheCupasiansalso.Oftheonlytwoanimalsadmitted into theMahometanParadise alongwith the souls ofmen, the assthatcarriedBalaamisone,thedogoftheSevenSleeperstheother.Thisisnosmall distinction. From what has been written about this beast might becompiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of theShakespearean cult, and thatwhich clusters about theBible. Itmaybe said,

generally,thatallliteratureismoreorlessAsinine.

AUCTIONEER, n. Theman who proclaims with a hammer that he haspickedapocketwithhistongue.

AUSTRALIA,n.Acountry lying in theSouthSea,whose industrialandcommercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunatedisputeamonggeographersastowhetheritisacontinentoranisland.

AVERNUS,n.Thelakebywhichtheancientsenteredtheinfernalregions.ThefactthataccesstotheinfernalregionswasobtainedbyalakeisbelievedbythelearnedMarcusAnselloScrutatortohavesuggestedtheChristianriteofbaptismbyimmersion.This,however,hasbeenshownbyLactantiustobeanerror.

B

BAAL,n.Anolddeityformerlymuchworshipedundervariousnames.AsBaalhewaspopularwiththePhoenicians;asBelusorBelhehadthehonortobeservedbythepriestBerosus,whowrotethefamousaccountoftheDeluge;as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar.From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever nameworshiped,BaalistheSun-god.AsBeelzebubheisthegodofflies,whicharebegotten of the sun's rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is stillworshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundantsacrificebythepriestsofGuttledom.

BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, orcondition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies andantipathiesitexcitesinothers,itselfwithoutsentimentoremotion.Therehavebeen famous babes; for example, littleMoses, fromwhose adventure in thebulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtlessderived their idle taleof thechildOsirisbeingpreservedona floating lotusleaf.

BACCHUS,n.Aconvenientdeity inventedby theancientsasanexcuseforgettingdrunk.

BACK,n.Thatpartofyourfriendwhichitisyourprivilegetocontemplateinyouradversity.

BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of aman as you find himwhen he can't findyou.

BAIT,n.Apreparationthatrendersthehookmorepalatable.Thebestkind

isbeauty.

BAPTISM,n.Asacredriteofsuchefficacy thathewhofindshimself inheavenwithouthavingundergoneitwillbeunhappyforever.It isperformedwith water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, orsprinkling.

BAROMETER,n.Aningenious instrumentwhichindicateswhatkindofweatherwearehaving.

BARRACK,n.Ahouseinwhichsoldiersenjoyaportionofthatofwhichitistheirbusinesstodepriveothers.

BASILISK,n.Thecockatrice.Asortofserpenthatchedfromtheeggofacock.Thebasiliskhadabadeye,anditsglancewasfatal.Manyinfidelsdenythiscreature'sexistence,butSemprelloAuratorsawandhandledonethathadbeenblindedbylightningasapunishmentforhavingfatallygazedonaladyofrankwhomJupiterloved.Junoafterwardrestoredthereptile'ssightandhiditinacave.Nothingissowellattestedbytheancientsastheexistenceofthebasilisk,butthecockshavestoppedlaying.

BASTINADO,n.Theactofwalkingonwoodwithoutexertion.

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,withwhatspiritualefficacyhasnotbeendetermined.

BATTLE, n.Amethod of untyingwith the teeth of a political knot thatwouldnotyieldtothetongue.

BEARD,n.ThehairthatiscommonlycutoffbythosewhojustlyexecratetheabsurdChinesecustomofshavingthehead.

BEAUTY,n.Thepowerbywhichawomancharmsaloverandterrifiesahusband.

BEFRIEND,v.t.Tomakeaningrate.

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to thebeliefthatitwillnotbegiven.

BEGGAR,n.Onewhohasreliedontheassistanceofhisfriends.

BEHAVIOR,n.Conduct,asdetermined,notbyprinciple,butbybreeding.The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom'stranslationofthefollowinglinesfromtheDiesIrae:

BELLADONNA,n.InItalianabeautifullady;inEnglishadeadlypoison.Astrikingexampleoftheessentialidentityofthetwotongues.

BENEDICTINES,n.Anorderofmonksotherwiseknownasblackfriars.

BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude,without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within themeansofall.

BERENICE'SHAIR,n.Aconstellation(ComaBerenices)namedinhonorofonewhosacrificedherhairtosaveherhusband.

BIGAMY,n.Amistake in taste forwhich thewisdomof the futurewilladjudgeapunishmentcalledtrigamy.

BIGOT, n. Onewho is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinionthatyoudonotentertain.

BILLINGSGATE,n.Theinvectiveofanopponent.

BIRTH,n.Thefirstanddirestofalldisasters.Astothenatureofitthereappearstobenouniformity.CastorandPolluxwerebornfromtheegg.Pallascameoutofaskull.Galateawasonceablockofstone.Peresilis,whowroteinthetenthcentury,aversthathegrewupoutofthegroundwhereapriesthadspilledholywater.ItisknownthatArimaxuswasderivedfromaholeintheearth,madebyastrokeoflightning.LeucomedonwasthesonofacaverninMountAetna,andIhavemyselfseenamancomeoutofawinecellar.

BLACKGUARD, n. Amanwhose qualities, prepared for display like aboxofberries inamarket—the fineoneson top—havebeenopenedon thewrongside.Aninvertedgentleman.

BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters—the most difficultkindofEnglishversetowriteacceptably;akind,therefore,muchaffectedbythosewhocannotacceptablywriteanykind.

BODY-SNATCHER, n.A robber of grave-worms.Onewho supplies theyoungphysicianswith thatwithwhich the old physicians have supplied theundertaker.Thehyena.

BONDSMAN,n.A foolwho,havingpropertyofhisown,undertakes tobecomeresponsibleforthatentrustedtoanothertoathird.

Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolutenobleman,toahighoffice,askedhimwhatsecurityhewouldbeabletogive."I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give youmyword of honor.""And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent."Monsieur,itisworthitsweightingold."

BORE,n.Apersonwhotalkswhenyouwishhimtolisten.

BOTANY,n.Thescienceofvegetables—thosethatarenotgoodtoeat,aswellasthosethatare.Itdealslargelywiththeirflowers,whicharecommonlybadlydesigned,inartisticincolor,andill-smelling.

BOTTLE-NOSED,adj.Havinganosecreatedintheimageofitsmaker.

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between twonations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights oftheother.

BOUNTY,n.Theliberalityofonewhohasmuch,inpermittingonewhohasnothingtogetallthathecan.

BRAHMA,n.HewhocreatedtheHindoos,whoarepreservedbyVishnuanddestroyedbySiva—aratherneaterdivisionoflaborthanisfoundamongthe deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, arecreated by Sin,maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests ofBrahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learnedmenwho arenevernaughty.

BRAIN,n.Anapparatuswithwhichwethinkwhatwethink.Thatwhichdistinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man whowishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has beenpitchforked intohighstation,hascommonlysuchaheadfulofbrain thathisneighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under ourrepublicanformofgovernment,brainissohighlyhonoredthatitisrewardedbyexemptionfromthecaresofoffice.

BRANDY,n.Acordial composedofonepart thunder-and-lightning,onepartremorse,twopartsbloodymurder,onepartdeath-hell-and-thegraveandfourpartsclarifiedSatan.Dose,aheadfulall thetime.BrandyissaidbyDr.Johnsontobethedrinkofheroes.Onlyaherowillventuretodrinkit.

BRIDE,n.Awomanwithafineprospectofhappinessbehindher.

BRUTE,n.SeeHUSBAND.

C

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to thepatriarchAbraham,andpreservedatMecca.Thepatriarchhadperhapsaskedthearchangelforbread.

CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large andwiseasaman'shead.

The cabbage is so called fromCabagius, a princewho on ascending thethroneissuedadecreeappointingaHighCouncilofEmpireconsistingofthemembersofhispredecessor'sMinistryand thecabbages in theroyalgarden.

WhenanyofhisMajesty'smeasuresofstatepolicymiscarriedconspicuouslyitwasgravelyannouncedthatseveralmembersoftheHighCouncilhadbeenbeheaded,andhismurmuringsubjectswereappeased.

CALAMITY,n.Amorethancommonlyplainandunmistakablereminderthattheaffairsofthislifearenotofourownordering.Calamitiesareoftwokinds:misfortunetoourselves,andgoodfortunetoothers.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflictinganother.

WhenZenowastoldthatoneofhisenemieswasnomorehewasobservedtobedeeplymoved."What!"saidoneofhisdisciples,"youweepatthedeathofanenemy?""Ah,'tistrue,"repliedthegreatStoic;"butyoushouldseemesmileatthedeathofafriend."

CALUMNUS,n.AgraduateoftheSchoolforScandal.

CAMEL,n.Aquadruped(theSplaypeshumpidorsus)ofgreatvaluetotheshow business. There are two kinds of camels—the camel proper and thecamelimproper.Itisthelatterthatisalwaysexhibited.

CANNIBAL,n.Agastronomeoftheoldschoolwhopreservesthesimpletastesandadherestothenaturaldietofthepre-porkperiod.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of nationalboundaries.

CANONICALS,n.ThemotleywormbyJestersoftheCourtofHeaven.

CAPITAL,n.Theseatofmisgovernment.Thatwhichprovidesthefire,thepot, thedinner, the tableand theknifeandforkfor theanarchist; thepartofthe repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. CapitalPunishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency ofwhichmanyworthypersons—includingalltheassassins—entertaingravemisgivings.

CARMELITE,n.AmendicantfriaroftheorderofMountCarmel.

CARNIVOROUS,adj.Addicted to thecrueltyofdevouring the timorousvegetarian,hisheirsandassigns.

CARTESIAN,adj.RelatingtoDescartes,afamousphilosopher,authorofthecelebrateddictum,Cogitoergosum—wherebyhewaspleasedtosupposehe demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might beimproved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum— "I think that Ithink, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as anyphilosopherhasyetmade.

CAT,n.Asoft, indestructibleautomatonprovidedbynature tobekickedwhenthingsgowronginthedomesticcircle.

CAVILER,n.Acriticofourownwork.

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies,poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptionsfollowing will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympiangames:

CENTAUR,n.Oneofaraceofpersonswholivedbefore thedivisionoflaborhadbeencarriedtosuchapitchofdifferentiation,andwhofollowedtheprimitive economicmaxim, "Everymanhis ownhorse."Thebest of the lotwasChiron,whotothewisdomandvirtuesofthehorseaddedthefleetnessofman.Thescripturestoryof theheadofJohn theBaptistonachargershowsthatpaganmythshavesomewhatsophisticatedsacredhistory.

CERBERUS,n.Thewatch-dogofHades,whosedutyitwastoguardtheentrance—againstwhomorwhatdoesnotclearlyappear; everybody, soonerorlater,hadtogothere,andnobodywantedtocarryofftheentrance.Cerberusisknown tohavehad threeheads, and someof thepoetshave creditedhimwith asmany as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition andprofoundknowledgeofGreekgivehisopiniongreatweight,hasaveragedalltheestimates,andmakesthenumbertwenty-seven—ajudgmentthatwouldbeentirelyconclusiveifProfessorGraybillhadknown(a)somethingaboutdogs,and(b)somethingaboutarithmetic.

CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between theidiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin ofmanhoodandthreefromtheremorseofage.

CHRISTIAN,n.Onewhobelieves that theNewTestament is a divinelyinspiredbookadmirablysuitedtothespiritualneedsofhisneighbor.OnewhofollowstheteachingsofChristinsofarastheyarenotinconsistentwithalifeofsin.

CIRCUS,n.Aplacewherehorses,poniesandelephantsarepermitted toseemen,womenandchildrenactingthefool.

CLAIRVOYANT,n.Aperson,commonlyawoman,whohasthepowerofseeingthatwhichisinvisibletoherpatron,namely,thatheisablockhead.

CLARIONET,n.Aninstrumentoftortureoperatedbyapersonwithcottonin his ears. There are two instruments that areworse than a clarionet—twoclarionets.

CLERGYMAN,n.Amanwhoundertakesthemanagementofourspiritualaffairsasamethodofbetteringhistemporalones.

CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside overhistory—whichshedidwithgreatdignity,manyoftheprominentcitizensof

Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed byMessrs.Xenophon,Herodotusandotherpopularspeakers.

CLOCK,n.Amachineofgreatmoralvaluetoman,allayinghisconcernforthefuturebyremindinghimwhatalotoftimeremainstohim.

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which manymeritoriouspersonswishtoobtain.

COENOBITE, n.Amanwhopiously shuts himself up tomeditate uponthesinofwickedness;andtokeepitfreshinhismindjoinsabrotherhoodofawfulexamples.

COMFORT,n.Astateofmindproducedbycontemplationofaneighbor'suneasiness.

COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements thatresembles,butdonotequal,ourown.

COMMERCE, n.A kind of transaction inwhichA plunders fromB thegoodsofC,andforcompensationBpicksthepocketofDofmoneybelongingtoE.

COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by anincalculablemultitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitouslyefficient.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as giveseach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has gotwhat he ought not tohave,andisdeprivedofnothingexceptwhatwasjustlyhisdue.

COMPULSION,n.Theeloquenceofpower.

CONDOLE,v.i.Toshowthatbereavementisasmallerevilthansympathy.

CONFIDANT,CONFIDANTE,n.OneentrustedbyAwiththesecretsofB,confidedbyhimtoC.

CONGRATULATION,n.Thecivilityofenvy.

CONGRESS,n.Abodyofmenwhomeettorepeallaws.

CONNOISSEUR,n.Aspecialistwhoknowseverythingaboutsomethingandnothingaboutanythingelse.

Anoldwine-bibberhavingbeensmashedinarailwaycollision,somewinewaspoutedonhislipstorevivehim."Pauillac,1873,"hemurmuredanddied.

CONSERVATIVE, n.A statesmanwho is enamored of existing evils, asdistinguishedfromtheLiberal,whowishestoreplacethemwithothers.

CONSOLATION,n.Theknowledgethatabettermanismoreunfortunate

thanyourself.

CONSUL,n.InAmericanpolitics,apersonwhohavingfailedtosecureanofficefromthepeopleisgivenonebytheAdministrationonconditionthatheleavethecountry.

CONSULT,v.i.Toseekanother'sdisapprovalofacoursealreadydecidedon.

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudentman for an enemywho is tooformidablesafelytobeopposed.

CONTROVERSY,n.Abattleinwhichspittleorinkreplacestheinjuriouscannon-ballandtheinconsideratebayonet.

CONVENT,n.Aplaceof retirement forwomanwhowish for leisure tomeditateupontheviceofidleness.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mentalcommodities,eachexhibitorbeingtoointentuponthearrangementofhisownwarestoobservethoseofhisneighbor.

CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with theoutward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with adynamitebomb.

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the militaryladder.

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profitwithoutindividualresponsibility.

CORSAIR,n.Apoliticianoftheseas.

COURTFOOL,n.Theplaintiff.

COWARD,n.Onewhoinaperilousemergencythinkswithhislegs.

CRAYFISH,n.Asmallcrustaceanverymuchresemblingthelobster,butlessindigestible.

CREDITOR,n.Oneof a tribeof savagesdwellingbeyond theFinancialStraitsanddreadedfortheirdesolatingincursions.

CREMONA,n.Ahigh-pricedviolinmadeinConnecticut.

CRITIC, n.Apersonwhoboasts himself hard to please because nobodytriestopleasehim.

CROSS,n.Anancient religious symbolerroneously supposed toowe itssignificancetothemostsolemneventinthehistoryofChristianity,butreallyantedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be

identicalwith thecruxansataof theancientphallicworship,but ithasbeentracedevenbeyondallthatweknowofthat,totheritesofprimitivepeoples.Wehaveto-daytheWhiteCrossasasymbolofchastity,andtheRedCrossasa badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, thereverendFatherGassalascaJapesmitesthelyretotheeffectfollowing:

CUIBONO?[Latin]Whatgoodwouldthatdome?

CUNNING,n.Thefacultythatdistinguishesaweakanimalorpersonfroma strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and greatmaterialadversity.AnItalianproverbsays:"Thefurriergetstheskinsofmorefoxesthanasses."

CUPID,n.Theso-calledgodoflove.Thisbastardcreationofabarbarousfancywasnodoubtinflicteduponmythologyforthesinsofitsdeities.Ofallunbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless andoffensive.Thenotionofsymbolizingsexuallovebyasemisexlessbabe,andcomparingthepainsofpassiontothewoundsofanarrow—ofintroducingthispudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit andsuggestion of thework— this is eminentlyworthy of the age that, giving itbirth,laiditonthedoorstepofprosperity.

CURIOSITY,n.Anobjectionablequalityofthefemalemind.Thedesiretoknow whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the mostactiveandinsatiablepassionsofthemasculinesoul.

CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belaborwith a verbal slap-stick.This is anoperationwhich in literature,particularly in thedrama, iscommonly fatal tothevictim.Nevertheless,theliabilitytoacursingisariskthatcutsbutasmallfigureinfixingtheratesoflifeinsurance.

CYNIC,n.Ablackguardwhosefaultyvisionseesthingsastheyare,notasthey ought to be.Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out acynic'seyestoimprovehisvision.

D

DAMN,v.AwordformerlymuchusedbythePaphlagonians,themeaningofwhichislost.BythelearnedDr.DolabellyGakitisbelievedtohavebeenaterm of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mentaltranquillity.ProfessorGroke,on thecontrary, thinks itexpressedanemotionoftumultuousdelight,becauseitsofrequentlyoccursincombinationwiththewordjodorgod,meaning"joy."ItwouldbewithgreatdiffidencethatIshouldadvance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable

authorities.

DANCE,v.i.Toleapabouttothesoundoftitteringmusic,preferablywitharmsaboutyourneighbor'swifeordaughter.Therearemanykindsofdances,but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have twocharacteristicsincommon:theyareconspicuouslyinnocent,andwarmlylovedbythevicious.

DANGER,n.

DARING,n.Oneofthemostconspicuousqualitiesofamaninsecurity.

DATARY, n.A high ecclesiastic official of theRomanCatholic Church,whose important function is tobrand thePope'sbullswith thewordsDatumRomae.HeenjoysaprincelyrevenueandthefriendshipofGod.

DAWN,n.Thetimewhenmenofreasongotobed.Certainoldmenpreferto riseatabout that time, takingacoldbathanda longwalkwithanemptystomach, and otherwisemortifying the flesh. They then point with pride tothese practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truthbeingthattheyareheartyandold,notbecauseoftheirhabits,butinspiteofthem.The reasonwe findonly robust personsdoing this thing is that it haskilledalltheotherswhohavetriedit.

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours,mostlymisspent. This period isdivided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—theformer devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.Thesetwokindsofsocialactivityoverlap.

DEBAUCHEE,n.Onewhohassoearnestlypursuedpleasurethathehashadthemisfortunetoovertakeit.

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.

DECALOGUE,n.Aseriesofcommandments,teninnumber—justenoughtopermitanintelligentselectionforobservance,butnotenoughtoembarrassthe choice.Following is the revisededitionof theDecalogue, calculated forthismeridian.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influencesoveranotherset.

DEFAME,v.t.Tolieaboutanother.Totellthetruthaboutanother.

DEFENCELESS,adj.Unabletoattack.

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors.The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; itrequired ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the

Trojanwarcouldhaveraisedwithease.Homernevertiresofsneeringat"menwholiveinthesedegeneratedays,"whichisperhapswhytheysufferedhimtobeghisbread—amarkedinstanceofreturninggoodforevil,bytheway,foriftheyhadforbiddenhimhewouldcertainlyhavestarved.

DEGRADATION,n.Oneofthestagesofmoralandsocialprogressfromprivatestationtopoliticalpreferment.

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when thePterodactylwasinfashion.ThelatterwasanativeofIreland,itsnamebeingpronouncedTerryDactyl or PeterO'Dactyl, as theman pronouncing itmaychancetohavehearditspokenorseenitprinted.

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.Variouslypronounced.

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise thatcomesinsets.

DELIBERATION,n.Theactofexaminingone'sbreadtodeterminewhichsideitisbutteredon.

DELUGE,n.Anotablefirstexperimentinbaptismwhichwashedawaythesins(andsinners)oftheworld.

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many othergoodlysonsanddaughters.

DENTIST,n.Aprestidigitatorwho,puttingmetal intoyourmouth,pullscoinsoutofyourpocket.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the supportwhichyouarenotinapositiontoexactfromhisfears.

DEPUTY,n.Amalerelativeofanoffice-holder,orofhisbondsman.Thedeputyiscommonlyabeautifulyoungman,witharednecktieandanintricatesystem of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.When accidentallystruckbythejanitor'sbroom,hegivesoffacloudofdust.

DESTINY,n.Atyrant'sauthorityforcrimeandfool'sexcuseforfailure.

DIAGNOSIS,n.Aphysician'sforecastofthediseasebythepatient'spulseandpurse.

DIAPHRAGM, n.Amuscular partition separating disorders of the chestfromdisordersofthebowels.

DIARY,n.Adailyrecordofthatpartofone'slife,whichhecanrelatetohimselfwithoutblushing.

DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence ofdespotismtotheplagueofanarchy.

DICTIONARY,n.Amalevolentliterarydeviceforcrampingthegrowthofa language andmaking it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is amostusefulwork.

DIE,n.Thesingularof"dice."Weseldomheartheword,becausethereisaprohibitoryproverb,"Neversaydie."Atlongintervals,however,someonesays:"Thedieiscast,"whichisnottrue,foritiscut.Thewordisfoundinanimmortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, SenatorDepew:

Acubeofcheesenolargerthanadie

Maybaitthetraptocatchanibblingmie.

DIGESTION,n.Theconversionofvictualsintovirtues.Whentheprocessis imperfect, vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which thatwicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greatersufferersfromdyspepsia.

DIPLOMACY,n.Thepatrioticartoflyingforone'scountry.

DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better errorthantheonewhichhehasdeemeditadvantageoustoembrace.

DISCRIMINATE,v.i.Tonotetheparticularsinwhichonepersonorthingis,ifpossible,moreobjectionablethananother.

DISCUSSION,n.Amethodofconfirmingothersintheirerrors.

DISOBEDIENCE,n.Thesilverliningtothecloudofservitude.

DISOBEY,v.t.Tocelebratewithanappropriateceremonythematurityofacommand.

DISSEMBLE,v.i.Toputacleanshirtuponthecharacter.

DISTANCE,n.Theonlythingthatthericharewillingforthepoortocalltheirs,andkeep.

DISTRESS,n.Adiseaseincurredbyexposuretotheprosperityofafriend.

DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of asmanykindsastherearefruit-bearingvarietiesofthefloweringdunceandtheearlyfool.

DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiaryDeity designed to catch theoverflowandsurplusoftheworld'sworship.ThisDivineBeinginsomeofhissmallerandsilkierincarnationstakes,intheaffectionofWoman,theplaceto

which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—ananachronism.Hetoilsnot,neitherdoeshespin,yetSolomoninallhisgloryneverlayuponadoor-matalldaylong,sun-soakedandfly-fedandfat,whilehismasterworked for themeanswherewith topurchase the idlewagof theSolomonictail,seasonedwithalookoftolerantrecognition.

DRAGOON,n.A soldierwhocombinesdash and steadiness in so equalmeasurethathemakeshisadvancesonfootandhisretreatsonhorseback.

DRAMATIST,n.OnewhoadaptsplaysfromtheFrench.

DRUIDS,n.PriestsandministersofanancientCelticreligionwhichdidnotdisdaintoemploythehumbleallurementofhumansacrifice.Verylittleisnow known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their religion,originatinginBritain,spreadeastwardasfarasPersia.CaesarsaysthosewhodesiredtostudyitsmysterieswenttoBritain.CaesarhimselfwenttoBritain,but does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the DruidicalChurch,althoughhistalentforhumansacrificewasconsiderable.

Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing ofchurchmortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. Theywere, inshort, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by adistinguishedprelateoftheChurchofEngland—Dissenters.

DUCK-BILL, n.Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-backseason.

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of twoenemies.Greatskill isnecessarytoitssatisfactoryobservance; ifawkwardlyperformed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimesensue.Alongtimeagoamanlosthislifeinaduel.

DULLARD,n.Amemberof thereigningdynasty in lettersand life.TheDullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy haveoverrunthehabitableworld.Thesecretoftheirpoweristheirinsensibilitytoblows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. TheDullardscameoriginallyfromBoeotia,whencetheyweredrivenbystressofstarvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries theyinfestedPhilistia, andmanyof themarecalledPhilistines to thisday. In theturbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and graduallyoverspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came overwiththePilgrimsintheMayflowerandmadeafavorablereportofthecountry,theirincreasebybirth,immigration,andconversionhasbeenrapidandsteady.According to themost trustworthy statistics thenumberof adultDullards intheUnitedStatesisbutlittleshortofthirtymillions,includingthestatisticians.

TheintellectualcentreoftheraceissomewhereaboutPeoria,Illinois,buttheNewEnglandDullardisthemostshockinglymoral.

DUTY,n.Thatwhichsternlyimpelsusinthedirectionofprofit,alongthelineofdesire.

E

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions ofmastication,humectation,anddeglutition.

"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin,beginning an anecdote. "What!" interruptedRochebriant; "eatingdinner in adrawing-room?" "Imust beg you to observe,monsieur," explained the greatgastronome,"thatIdidnotsayIwaseatingmydinner,butenjoyingit.Ihaddinedanhourbefore."

EAVESDROP,v.i.Secretlytooverhearacatalogueofthecrimesandvicesofanotheroryourself.

ECCENTRICITY,n.Amethodofdistinctionsocheapthatfoolsemployittoaccentuatetheirincapacity.

ECONOMY,n.Purchasingthebarrelofwhiskeythatyoudonotneedforthepriceofthecowthatyoucannotafford.

EDIBLE,adj.Goodtoeat,andwholesometodigest,asawormtoatoad,atoadtoasnake,asnaketoapig,apigtoaman,andamantoaworm.

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,RhadamanthusandAeacus,butisplacablewithanobolus;aseverelyvirtuouscensor,butsocharitablewithal thathe tolerates thevirtuesofothersandthevices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdythunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantlyuttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild,melodiouslay,softasthecooingofadonkeyintoningitsprayertotheeveningstar.Masterofmysteries and lordof law,high-pinnacledupon the throneofthought, his face suffusedwith thedimsplendorsof theTransfiguration,hislegs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills hiswill along thepaperandcutsitoffinlengthstosuit.Andatintervalsfrombehindtheveilofthe temple is heard thevoiceof the foremandemanding three inchesofwitandsixlinesofreligiousmeditation,orbiddinghimturnoffthewisdomandwhackupsomepathos.

EDUCATION,n.Thatwhichdisclosestothewiseanddisguisesfromthe

foolishtheirlackofunderstanding.

EFFECT,n.Thesecondoftwophenomenawhichalwaysoccurtogetherinthesameorder.Thefirst,calledaCause,issaidtogeneratetheother—whichisnomoresensiblethanitwouldbeforonewhohasneverseenadogexceptinthepursuitofarabbittodeclaretherabbitthecauseofadog.

EGOTIST,n.Apersonoflowtaste,moreinterestedinhimselfthaninme.

EJECTION,n.Anapprovedremedyforthediseaseofgarrulity.Itisalsomuchusedincasesofextremepoverty.

ELECTOR,n.Onewhoenjoysthesacredprivilegeofvotingforthemanofanotherman'schoice.

ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena notknowntobecausedbysomethingelse.Itisthesamethingaslightning,anditsfamousattempttostrikeDr.Franklinisoneofthemostpicturesqueincidentsinthatgreatandgoodman'scareer.ThememoryofDr.Franklinisjustlyheldingreat reverence, particularly inFrance,where awaxen effigyof himwasrecentlyonexhibition,bearingthefollowingtouchingaccountofhislifeandservicestoscience:

ELEGY, n.A composition in verse, inwhich,without employing any ofthe methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind thedampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example beginssomewhatlikethis:

Thecurforetellstheknellofpartingday;

Theloafingherdwindsslowlyo'erthelea;

Thewisemanhomewardplods;Ionlystay

Tofiddle-faddleinaminorkey.

ELOQUENCE,n.Theartoforallypersuadingfoolsthatwhiteisthecolorthatitappearstobe.Itincludesthegiftofmakinganycolorappearwhite.

ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancientsfoolishlybelieved tobe inhabitedby the spirits of thegood.This ridiculousand mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the earlyChristians—maytheirsoulsbehappyinHeaven!

EMANCIPATION,n.Abondman'schangefromthetyrannyofanothertothedespotismofhimself.

EMBALM,v.i.Tocheatvegetationbylockingupthegasesuponwhichitfeeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balancebetweenanimalandvegetablelife, theEgyptiansmadetheironcefertileand

populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagrecrew.Themodernmetallicburial casket is a step in the samedirection, andmanyadeadmanwhooughtnowtobeornamentinghisneighbor'slawnasatree,orenrichinghistableasabunchofradishes,isdoomedtoalonginutility.Weshallgethimafterawhileifwearespared,butinthemeantimethevioletandrosearelanguishingforanibbleathisglutoeusmaximus.

EMOTION,n.Aprostratingdiseasecausedbyadeterminationofthehearttothehead.Itissometimesaccompaniedbyacopiousdischargeofhydratedchlorideofsodiumfromtheeyes.

ENCOMIAST,n.Aspecial(butnotparticular)kindofliar.

END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from theInterlocutor.

ENOUGH,pro.Allthereisintheworldifyoulikeit.

ENTERTAINMENT,n.Anykindofamusementwhoseinroadsstopshortofdeathbyinjection.

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses ofrepentanceinconnectionwithoutwardapplicationsofexperience.Byron,whorecoveredlongenoughtocall it"entuzy-muzy,"hadarelapse,whichcarriedhimoff—toMissolonghi.

ENVELOPE,n.Thecoffinofadocument;thescabbardofabill;thehuskofaremittance;thebed-gownofalove-letter.

ENVY,n.Emulationadaptedtothemeanestcapacity.

EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a militaryofficerfromtheenemy—thatistosay,fromtheofficeroflowerranktowhomhisdeathwouldgivepromotion.

EPICURE,n.AnopponentofEpicurus, anabstemiousphilosopherwho,holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time ingratificationfromthesenses.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequentlycharacterizedbyacidityoracerbityandsometimesbywisdom.FollowingaresomeofthemorenotableepigramsofthelearnedandingeniousDr.JamrachHolobom:

Weknowbettertheneedsofourselvesthanofothers.To serve oneself iseconomyofadministration.

Ineachhumanheartareatiger,apig,anassandanightingale.Diversityofcharacterisduetotheirunequalactivity.

Therearethreesexes;males,femalesandgirls.

Beautyinwomenanddistinctioninmenarealikeinthis:theyseemtotheunthinkingakindofcredibility.

Womeninlovearelessashamedthanmen.Theyhavelesstobeashamedof.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you aresafe,foryoucanwatchbothhis.

EPITAPH,n.An inscriptionona tomb,showing thatvirtuesacquiredbydeathhavearetroactiveeffect.Followingisatouchingexample:

HereliethebonesofParsonPlatt,

Wise,pious,humbleandallthat,

Whoshoweduslifeasallshouldliveit;

Letthatbesaid—andGodforgiveit!

ERUDITION,n.Dustshakenoutofabookintoanemptyskull.

ESOTERIC,adj.Veryparticularlyabstruseandconsummatelyoccult.Theancientphilosophieswereoftwokinds,—exoteric,thosethatthephilosophersthemselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody couldunderstand.Itisthelatterthathavemostprofoundlyaffectedmodernthoughtandfoundgreatestacceptanceinourtime.

ETHNOLOGY,n.ThesciencethattreatsofthevarioustribesofMan,asrobbers,thieves,swindlers,dunces,lunatics,idiotsandethnologists.

EUCHARIST,n.AsacredfeastofthereligioussectofTheophagi.

Adisputeonceunhappilyaroseamongthemembersofthissectastowhatitwasthattheyate.Inthiscontroversysomefivehundred thousand havealreadybeenslain,andthequestionisstillunsettled.

EULOGY,n.Praiseofapersonwhohaseither theadvantagesofwealthandpower,ortheconsiderationtobedead.

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of ourneighbors.

EVERLASTING,adj.Lastingforever.ItiswithnosmalldiffidencethatIventuretoofferthisbriefandelementarydefinition,forIamnotunawareoftheexistenceofabulkyvolumebyasometimeBishopofWorcester,entitled,A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the AuthorizedVersionoftheHolyScriptures.Hisbookwasonceesteemedofgreatauthority

intheAnglicanChurch,andisstill,Iunderstand,studiedwithpleasuretothemindandprofitofthesoul.

EXCEPTION,n.Athingwhichtakesthelibertytodifferfromotherthingsof its class, asanhonestman,a truthfulwoman,etc. "Theexceptionprovestherule"isanexpressionconstantlyuponthelipsoftheignorant,whoparrotit from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin,"Exceptioprobat regulam"means that the exception tests the rule,puts it tothe proof, not confirms it. Themalefactorwho drew themeaning from thisexcellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evilpowerwhichappearstobeimmortal.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriatepenaltiesthelawofmoderation.

EXECUTIVE,n.AnofficeroftheGovernment,whosedutyitistoenforcethewishesofthelegislativepoweruntilsuchtimeasthejudicialdepartmentshallbepleasedtopronouncetheminvalidandofnoeffect.Followingisanextractfromanoldbookentitled,TheLunarianAstonished—Pfeiffer&Co.,Boston,1803:

-Lunarian:ThenwhenyourCongresshaspasseda lawitgoesdirectly tothe Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it isconstitutional?

-Terrestrian:Ono;itdoesnotrequiretheapprovaloftheSupremeCourtuntilhavingperhapsbeenenforcedformanyyearssomebodyobjectstoitsoperationagainsthimself—Imeanhisclient.ThePresident,ifheapprovesit,beginstoexecuteitatonce.

-Lunarian:Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.Do yourpolicemenalsohavetoapprovethelocalordinancesthattheyenforce?

-Terrestrian: Not yet—at least not in their character of constables.Generallyspeaking,though,alllawsrequiretheapprovalofthosewhomtheyareintendedtorestrain.

-Lunarian: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by themurderer.

-Terrestrian:Myfriend,youputittoostrongly;wearenotsoconsistent.

-Lunarian:Butthissystemofmaintaininganexpensivejudicialmachinerytopassuponthevalidityoflawsonlyaftertheyhavelongbeenexecuted,andthenonlywhenbroughtbeforethecourtbysomeprivateperson—doesitnotcausegreatconfusion?

-Terrestrian:Itdoes.

-Lunarian:Whythenshouldnotyourlaws,previouslytobeingexecuted,bevalidated,notby thesignatureofyourPresident,butby thatof theChiefJusticeoftheSupremeCourt?

-Terrestrian:Thereisnoprecedentforanysuchcourse.

-Lunarian:Precedent.Whatisthat?

-Terrestrian:Ithasbeendefinedbyfivehundredlawyersinthreevolumeseach.Sohowcananyoneknow?

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another uponthespitandroastittoanut-browndiscomfort.

EXILE, n.Onewho serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not anambassador.

An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin,"replied:"No,sir,butIshouldliketoanchoronit."Yearsafterwards,whenhehad been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, thefollowingmemorandumwas found in the ship's log that he had kept at thetimeofhisreply:

Aug.3d,1842.Madea jokeon theex-IsleofErin.Coldlyreceived.Warwiththewholeworld!

EXISTENCE,n.

Atransient,horrible,fantasticdream,

Whereinisnothingyetallthingsdoseem:

Fromwhichwe'rewakenedbyafriendlynudge

OfourbedfellowDeath,andcry:"Ofudge!"

EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as anundesirableoldacquaintancethefollythatwehavealreadyembraced.

EXPOSTULATION,n.Oneofthemanymethodsbywhichfoolsprefertolosetheirfriends.

EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created thefuturestate.

F

FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerlyinhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and

somewhataddicted todancingand the theftofchildren.The fairiesarenowbelieved by naturalists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church ofEnglandsawthreenearColchesteraslatelyas1855,whilepassingthroughaparkafterdiningwiththelordofthemanor.Thesightgreatlystaggeredhim,andhewassoaffectedthathisaccountofitwasincoherent.Intheyear1807atroop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of apeasant,whohadbeenseentoenteritwithabundleofclothing.Thesonofawealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned.Hehadseentheabductionandbeeninpursuitofthefairies.JustinianGaux,awriter of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power oftransformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies andfightabattlewithgreatslaughter,andthatthenextday,afterithadresumeditsoriginalshapeandgoneaway,thereweresevenhundredbodiesoftheslainwhich the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the woundedrecovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made whichprescribedthedeathpenaltyfor"Kyllynge,wowndynge,ormamynge"afairy,anditwasuniversallyrespected.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speakswithoutknowledge,ofthingswithoutparallel.

FAMOUS,adj.Conspicuouslymiserable.

FASHION,n.Adespotwhomthewiseridiculeandobey.

FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized bygluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy persondistinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are"movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovableuntiltheyarefull.Intheirearliestdevelopmenttheseentertainmentstooktheform of feasts for the dead; suchwere held by theGreeks, under the nameNemeseia,bytheAztecsandPeruvians,asinmoderntimestheyarepopularwiththeChinese;thoughitisbelievedthattheancientdead,likethemodern,werelighteaters.AmongthemanyfeastsoftheRomanswastheNovemdiale,whichwasheld,accordingtoLivy,wheneverstonesfellfromheaven.

FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who inembracinganopportunityhasformedanunfortunateattachment.

FEMALE,n.Oneoftheopposing,orunfair,sex.

FIB,n.Aliethathasnotcutitsteeth.Anhabitualliar'snearestapproachtotruth:theperigeeofhiseccentricorbit.

FICKLENESS,n.Theiteratedsatietyofanenterprisingaffection.

FIDDLE,n.Aninstrumenttoticklehumanearsbyfrictionofahorse'stail

ontheentrailsofacat.

FIDELITY,n.Avirtuepeculiartothosewhoareabouttobebetrayed.

FINANCE,n.Theartorscienceofmanagingrevenuesandresourcesforthebestadvantageofthemanager.Thepronunciationofthiswordwiththeilong and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most preciousdiscoveriesandpossessions.

FLAG,n.Acoloredragborneabovetroopsandhoistedonfortsandships.ItappearstoservethesamepurposeascertainsignsthatoneseesonvacantlotsinLondon—"Rubbishmaybeshothere."

FLESH,n.TheSecondPersonofthesecularTrinity.

FLOP,v.Suddenlytochangeone'sopinionsandgoovertoanotherparty.Themost notable flop on recordwas that of Saul of Tarsus, who has beenseverelycriticisedasaturn-coatbysomeofourpartisanjournals.

FLY-SPECK,n.Theprototypeofpunctuation.ItisobservedbyGarvinusthatthesystemsofpunctuationinusebythevariousliterarynationsdependedoriginally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies infesting theseveralcountries.Thesecreatures,whichhavealwaysbeendistinguishedforaneighborlyandcompanionablefamiliaritywithauthors,liberallyorniggardlyembellish themanuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according totheir bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by a species ofinterpretation superior to, and independent of, thewriter's powers. The "oldmasters" of literature—that is to say, the early writers whose work is soesteemedbylaterscribesandcriticsinthesamelanguage—neverpunctuatedat all, but worked right along free-handed, without that abruption of thethoughtwhichcomes from theuseofpoints. (Weobserve thesame thing inchildren to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautifulinstanceofthelawthattheinfancyofindividualsreproducesthemethodsandstages of development characterizing the infancy of races.) In the work oftheseprimitivescribesallthepunctuationisfound,bythemoderninvestigatorwithhisoptical instrumentsandchemical tests, tohavebeen insertedby thewriters' ingenious and serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly—Muscamaledicta.IntranscribingtheseancientMSS,forthepurposeofeithermakingtheworktheirownorpreservingwhattheynaturallyregardasdivinerevelations,laterwritersreverentlyandaccuratelycopywhatevermarkstheyfindupon thepapyrusorparchment, to theunspeakableenhancementof thelucidityofthethoughtandvalueofthework.Writerscontemporarywiththecopyistsnaturallyavail themselvesoftheobviousadvantagesofthesemarksintheirownwork,andwithsuchassistanceasthefliesoftheirownhouseholdmay be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the oldercompositions,inrespectatleastofpunctuation,whichisnosmallglory.Fully

tounderstand the important services that fliesperform to literature it isonlynecessarytolayapageofsomepopularnovelistalongsideasaucerofcream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how thewit brightens and thestylerefines"inaccurateproportiontothedurationofexposure.

FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine"whose creative and controllingenergyinspiresMan'smind,guideshisactionsandadornshislife.

FOOL, n.A personwho pervades the domain of intellectual speculationand diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific,omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent.He itwaswho inventedletters,printing,therailroad,thesteamboat,thetelegraph,theplatitudeandthecircle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war—founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He establishedmonarchicalandrepublicangovernment.Heisfromeverlastingtoeverlasting—suchascreation'sdawnbeheldhe foolethnow. In themorningof timehesang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed theprocession of being. His grandmotherly handwaswarmly tucked-in the setsun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal ofmilk-and-moralityandturnsdownthecoversoftheuniversalgrave.Andaftertherestofusshallhaveretiredforthenightofeternaloblivionhewillsituptowriteahistoryofhumancivilization.

FORCE,n.

"Forceisbutmight,"theteachersaid—

"Thatdefinition'sjust."

Theboysaidnaughtbutthoughtinstead,

Rememberinghispoundedhead:

"Forceisnotmightbutmust!"

FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out twomalefactors.

FOREORDINATION,n.Thislookslikeaneasywordtodefine,butwhenI consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives inexplaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when Iremember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by thedifference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions oftreasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove itscompatibilitywithfreedomofthewillandtheefficacyofprayer,praise,andareligious life,—recalling theseawful facts in thehistoryof theword, Istandappalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritualeyes,fearingtocontemplateitsportentousmagnitude,reverentlyuncoverand

humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace BishopPotter.

FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors incompensationfortheirdestitutionofconscience.

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting deadanimals into themouth. Formerly the knifewas employed for this purpose,andbymanyworthypersonsisstillthoughttohavemanyadvantagesovertheother tool,which,however, theydonotaltogether reject,butuse toassist inchargingtheknife.TheimmunityofthesepersonsfromswiftandawfuldeathisoneofthemoststrikingproofsofGod'smercytothosethathateHim.

FORMAPAUPERIS.[Latin]Inthecharacterofapoorperson—amethodbywhich a litigantwithoutmoney for lawyers is considerately permitted tolosehiscase.

FRANKALMOIGNE,n.Thetenurebywhichareligiouscorporationholdslands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. Inmediaeval timesmany of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple andcheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer toconfiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held byfrankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you master stay ourbenefactor'ssoulinPurgatory?""Ay,"saidtheofficer,coldly,"anyewillnotpray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my son,"persisted the goodman, "this act hath rank as robbery ofGod!" "Nay, nay,good father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the manifoldtemptationsoftoogreatwealth."

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whoseannexationslackofthesanctifyingmeritofmagnitude.

FREEDOM,n.Exemption fromthestressofauthority inabeggarlyhalfdozen of restraint's infinitemultitude ofmethods. A political condition thatevery nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. Thedistinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalistshaveneverbeenabletofindalivingspecimenofeither.

FREEMASONS,n.Anorderwith secret rites,grotesqueceremonies andfantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, amongworkingartisansofLondon,hasbeenjoinedsuccessivelybythedeadofpastcenturies inunbrokenretrogressionuntilnowitembracesall thegenerationsofmanonthehithersideofAdamandisdrummingupdistinguishedrecruitsamongthepre-CreationalinhabitantsofChaosandFormlessVoid.Theorderwas founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus,Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and

symbolshavebeenfoundintheCatacombsofParisandRome,onthestonesof theParthenonand theChineseGreatWall, among the templesofKarnakandPalmyraandintheEgyptianPyramids—alwaysbyaFreemason.

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune.Addictedtoutteranceoftruthandcommonsense.

FRIENDSHIP,n.Ashipbigenoughtocarrytwoinfairweather,butonlyoneinfoul.

FROG,n.Areptilewithediblelegs.Thefirstmentionoffrogsinprofaneliterature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice.Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but thelearned,ingeniousandindustriousDr.Schliemannhassetthequestionforeveratrestbyuncoveringthebonesoftheslainfrogs.OneoftheformsofmoralsuasionbywhichPharaohwasbesoughttofavortheIsraelitieswasaplagueoffrogs,butPharaoh,wholikedthemfricasees,remarked,withtrulyorientalstoicism,thathecouldstanditaslongasthefrogsandtheJewscould;sotheprogrammewaschanged.Thefrogisadiligentsongster,havingagoodvoicebut no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, aswritten byAristophanes, isbrief,simpleandeffective—"brekekex-koax";themusicisapparentlybythateminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof—athoughtfulprovisionofnature,enablingthemtoshineinahurdlerace.

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in thatpunitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented byCalvin, andbyhimused in cooking span-long infants that haddiedwithoutbaptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who hadincautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, itoccurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing thefrying-panintoeveryhouseholdinGeneva.Thenceitspreadtoallcornersofthe world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of hissombrefaith.Thefollowinglines(saidtobefromthepenofhisGraceBishopPotter)seemto imply that theusefulnessof thisutensil isnot limited to thisworld;butastheconsequencesofitsemploymentinthislifereachoverintothe life tocome,soalso itselfmaybefoundon theotherside, rewarding itsdevotees:

OldNickwassummonedtotheskies.

SaidPeter:"Yourintentions

Aregood,butyoulackenterprise

Concerningnewinventions.

"Now,broilingisanancientplan

Oftorment,butIhearit

Reportedthatthefrying-pan

Searsbestthewickedspirit.

"Gogetone—fillitupwithfat—

Frysinnersbrownandgoodin't."

"Iknowatrickworthtwoo'that,"

SaidNick—"I'llcooktheirfoodin't."

FUNERAL, n.A pageantwherebywe attest our respect for the dead byenriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure thatdeepensourgroansanddoublesourtears.

FUTURE,n.Thatperiodoftimeinwhichouraffairsprosper,ourfriendsaretrueandourhappinessisassured.

G

GALLOWS,n.Astagefortheperformanceofmiracleplays,inwhichtheleading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chieflyremarkableforthenumberofpersonswhoescapeit.

GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaevalbuildings, commonly fashioned intoagrotesquecaricatureof somepersonalenemyofthearchitectorownerofthebuilding.Thiswasespeciallythecasein churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoylespresented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists.Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyleswere removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the privateanimositiesofthenewincumbents.

GARTHER,n.Anelasticbandintendedtokeepawomanfromcomingoutofherstockingsanddesolatingthecountry.

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and wasrightlyappliedtoagreatmultitudeofpersons.Itnowmeansnoblebynatureandistakingabitofarest.

GENEALOGY,n.Anaccountofone'sdescentfromanancestorwhodidnotparticularlycaretotracehisown.

GENTEEL,adj.Refined,afterthefashionofagent.

GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the differencebetweentheoutsideoftheworldandtheinside.

GEOLOGY,n.Thescienceoftheearth'scrust—towhich,doubtless,willbeaddedthatofitsinteriorwheneveramanshallcomeupgarrulousoutofawell. The geological formations of the globe already noted are cataloguedthus:ThePrimary,orlowerone,consistsofrocks,bonesormiredmules,gas-pipes,miners' tools, antique statuesminus the nose, Spanish doubloons andancestors. The Secondary is largelymade up of redworms andmoles. TheTertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldyboots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists,snap-dogsandfools.

GHOST,n.Theoutwardandvisiblesignofaninwardfear.

Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentionssomebody'singenioustheorytotheeffectthattheyareasmuchafraidofusasweofthem.Notquite,ifImayjudgefromsuchtablesofcomparativespeedasIamabletocompilefrommemoriesofmyownexperience.

There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost nevercomesnaked:heappearseitherinawinding-sheetor"inhishabitashelived."Tobelieveinhim,then,istobelievethatnotonlyhavethedeadthepowertomakethemselvesvisibleafterthereisnothingleftofthem,butthatthesamepower inheres in textile fabrics.Supposing theproductsof the loom tohavethisability,whatobjectwouldtheyhaveinexercisingit?Andwhydoesnottheapparitionofasuitofclothessometimeswalkabroadwithoutaghostinit?Theseberiddlesofsignificance.Theyreachawaydownandgetaconvulsivegripontheverytap-rootofthisflourishingfaith.

GHOUL,n.Ademonaddictedtothereprehensiblehabitofdevouringthedead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class ofcontroversialistswhoaremoreconcernedtodeprivetheworldofcomfortingbeliefsthantogiveitanythinggoodintheirplace.In1640FatherSecchisawone inacemeterynearFlorenceand frightened it awaywith the signof thecross.Hedescribesitasgiftedwithmanyheadsandanuncommonallowanceoflimbs,andhesawitinmorethanoneplaceatatime.Thegoodmanwascoming away from dinner at the time and explains that if he had not been"heavywitheating"hewouldhaveseizedthedemonatallhazards.Atholstonrelates that a ghoulwas caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard atSudburyandduckedinahorsepond.(Heappearstothinkthatsodistinguishedacriminalshouldhavebeenduckedinatankofrosewater.)Thewaterturnedatonce toblood"and socontynuesuntoysdaye."Thepondhas sincebeenbledwithaditch.As lateas thebeginningof thefourteenthcenturyaghoulwascorneredinthecryptofthecathedralatAmiensandthewholepopulation

surroundedtheplace.Twentyarmedmenwithapriestattheirhead,bearingacrucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by thestratagem,hadtransformeditselftothesemblanceofawellknowncitizen,butwasneverthelesshanged,drawnandquarteredinthemidstofhideouspopularorgies.Thecitizenwhose shape thedemonhadassumedwas soaffectedbythesinisteroccurrencethatheneveragainshowedhimselfinAmiensandhisfateremainsamystery.

GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation bycommittingdyspepsia.

GNOME,n.InNorth-Europeanmythology,adwarfishimpinhabitingtheinterior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral treasures.Bjorsen,whodiedin1765,saysgnomeswerecommonenoughinthesouthernpartsofSweden inhisboyhood,andhe frequently saw themscamperingonthehillsintheeveningtwilight.LudwigBinkerhoofsawthreeasrecentlyas1792,intheBlackForest,andSneddekeraversthatin1803theydroveapartyofminersoutofaSilesianmine.Basingourcomputationsupondatasuppliedbythesestatements,wefindthatthegnomeswereprobablyextinctasearlyas1764.

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusionbetweentheearlyChristiansandthePlatonists.Theformerwouldnotgointothe caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusionmanagers.

GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated stateresemblesahorse,abuffaloandastag. In itswildcondition it is somethinglikeathunderbolt,anearthquakeandacyclone.

GOOD, adj. Sensible,madam, to theworth of this presentwriter.Alive,sir,totheadvantagesoflettinghimalone.

GOOSE,n.Abirdthatsuppliesquillsforwriting.These,bysomeoccultprocess of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of thebird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked anddrawnmechanicallyacrosspaperbyapersoncalledan"author,"thereresultsa very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. Thedifference ingeese,asdiscoveredby this ingeniousmethod, isconsiderable:many are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some areseentobeverygreatgeeseindeed.

GORGON,n.

TheGorgonwasamaidenbold

WhoturnedtostonetheGreeksofold

Thatlookeduponherawfulbrow.

Wedigthemoutofruinsnow,

Andswearthatworkmanshipsobad

Provesalltheancientsculptorsmad.

GOUT,n.Aphysician'snamefortherheumatismofarichpatient.

GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses,Aglaia, Thalia andEuphrosyne,whoattendeduponVenus,servingwithoutsalary.Theywereatnoexpenseforboardandclothing,fortheyatenothingtospeakofanddressedaccordingtotheweather,wearingwhateverbreezehappenedtobeblowing.

GRAMMAR,n.Asystemofpitfallsthoughtfullypreparedforthefeetfortheself-mademan,alongthepathbywhichheadvancestodistinction.

GRAPESHOT,n.AnargumentwhichthefutureispreparinginanswertothedemandsofAmericanSocialism.

GRAVE,n.Aplaceinwhichthedeadarelaidtoawaitthecomingofthemedicalstudent.

GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one anotherwithastrengthproportiontothequantityofmattertheycontain—thequantityofmatter theycontainbeingascertainedby thestrengthof their tendency toapproachoneanother.Thisisalovelyandedifyingillustrationofhowscience,havingmadeAtheproofofB,makesBtheproofofA.

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug hisshoulderswithgoodreason.

In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learnedProfessorBrayfuglearguesfromtheprevalenceofthisgesture—theshrug—among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is simply asurvivalofthehabitofretractingtheheadinsidetheshell.Itiswithreluctancethat I differ with so eminent an authority, but in my judgment (as moreelaboratelysetforthandenforcedinmyworkentitledHereditaryEmotions—lib.II,c.XI)theshrugisapoorfoundationuponwhichtobuildsoimportantatheory,forpreviouslytotheRevolutionthegesturewasunknown.Ihavenotadoubtthatitisdirectlyreferabletotheterrorinspiredbytheguillotineduringtheperiodofthatinstrument'sactivity.

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for thesettlementofdisputeswhichmightbecometroublesomeifleftunadjusted.Bymostwriters the inventionof gunpowder is ascribed to theChinese, but notuponvery convincing evidence.Milton says itwas invented by the devil todispel angelswith, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the

scarcityofangels.Moreover,ithastheheartyconcurrenceoftheHon.JamesWilson,SecretaryofAgriculture.

SecretaryWilson became interested in gunpowder through an event thatoccurredon theGovernment experimental farm in theDistrict ofColumbia.One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of the Secretary'sprofound attainments and personal character presented him with a sack ofgunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flabbergastor, aPatagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to thisclimate.ThegoodSecretarywas instructed to spill it along in a furrowandafterwardinhumeitwithsoil.Thisheatonceproceededtodo,andhadmadeacontinuouslineofitallthewayacrossaten-acrefield,whenhewasmadetolook backward by a shout from the generous donor,who at once dropped alightedmatchintothefurrowatthestarting-point.Contactwiththeearthhadsomewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himselfpursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and fierce evolution. Hestood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected anengagement and, dropping all, absented himself thencewith such surprisingceleritythattotheeyesofspectatorsalongtherouteselectedheappearedlikealong,dimstreakprolongingitselfwithinconceivablerapiditythroughsevenvillages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?"criedasurveyor'schainman,shadinghiseyesandgazingatthefadinglineofagriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," said the surveyor,carelesslyglancingatthephenomenonandagaincenteringhisattentionuponhisinstrument,"istheMeridianofWashington."

H

HABEASCORPUS.Awritbywhichamanmaybetakenoutofjailwhenconfinedforthewrongcrime.

HABIT,n.Ashackleforthefree.

HADES,n.The lowerworld; the residenceof departed spirits; theplacewherethedeadlive.

AmongtheancientstheideaofHadeswasnotsynonymouswithourHell,many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a verycomfortablekindofway.Indeed,theElysianFieldsthemselveswereapartofHades, though they have since been removed to Paris.When the Jacobeanversion of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious andlearnedmenengagedintheworkinsistedbyamajorityvoteontranslatingthe

Greekword"Aides"as"Hell";butaconscientiousminoritymembersecretlypossessedhimselfoftherecordandstruckouttheobjectionalwordwhereverhecouldfindit.Atthenextmeeting,theBishopofSalisbury,lookingoverthework, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:"Gentlemen,somebodyhasbeenrazing'Hell'here!"Yearsafterwardthegoodprelate'sdeathwasmadesweetby thereflection thathehadbeen themeans(underProvidence)ofmakinganimportant,serviceableandimmortaladditiontothephraseologyoftheEnglishtongue.

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimescalled,also,ahen,orcat.Oldwitches,sorceresses,etc.,werecalledhagsfromthebeliefthattheirheadsweresurroundedbyakindofbalefulluminationornimbus—hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical lightsometimesobservedinthehair.Atonetimehagwasnotawordofreproach:Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said,"sweetwench."Itwouldnotnowbepropertocallyoursweetheartahag—thatcomplimentisreservedfortheuseofhergrandchildren.

HALF, n.Oneof two equal parts intowhich a thingmaybe divided, orconsidered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion aroseamongtheologistsandphilosophersastowhetherOmnisciencecouldpartanobject into threehalves; and thepiousFatherAldrovinuspubliclyprayed inthe cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of thepropositioninsomesignalandunmistakableway,andparticularly(ifitshouldpleaseHim)uponthebodyofthathardyblasphemer,ManutiusProcinus,whomaintainedthenegative.Procinus,however,wassparedtodieofthebiteofaviper.

HALO,n.Properly,a luminousringencirclinganastronomicalbody,butnotinfrequentlyconfoundedwith"aureola,"or"nimbus,"asomewhatsimilarphenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is apurely optical illusion, produced bymoisture in the air, in themanner of arainbow;buttheaureolaisconferredasasignofsuperiorsanctity,inthesamewayasabishop'smitre,orthePope'stiara.InthepaintingoftheNativity,bySzedgkin,apiousartistofPesth,notonlydotheVirginandtheChildwearthenimbus,butanassnibblinghayfromthesacredmangerissimilarlydecoratedand,tohislastinghonorbeitsaid,appearstobearhisunaccustomeddignitywithatrulysaintlygrace.

HAND,n.A singular instrumentworn at the endof the human armandcommonlythrustintosomebody'spocket.

HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in variousignobleofficesaboutthefaceandespeciallyserviceableatfuneralstoconcealthelackoftears.Thehandkerchiefisofrecentinvention;ourancestorsknew

nothingofitandintrusteditsdutiestothesleeve.Shakespeare'sintroducingitintotheplayof"Othello"isananachronism:Desdemonadriedhernosewithher skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with theircoattails in our own day—an evidence that revolutions sometimes gobackward.

HANGMAN,n.Anofficerof the lawchargedwithdutiesof thehighestdignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populacehavingacriminalancestry. Insomeof theAmericanStateshisfunctionsarenow performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions byelectricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to thislexicographerofanybodyquestioningtheexpediencyofhangingJerseymen.

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating themiseryofanother.

HARANGUE,n.Aspeechbyanopponent,whoisknownasanharangue-outang.

HARBOR,n.Aplacewhereshipstakingshelterfromstoresareexposedtothefuryofthecustoms.

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came fromEurope in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for thebitternessoftheirinternalcontroversiesanddissensions.

HASH,x.Thereisnodefinitionforthisword—nobodyknowswhathashis.

HATCHET,n.Ayoungaxe,knownamongIndiansasaThomashawk.

HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another'ssuperiority.

HEAD-MONEY,n.Acapitationtax,orpoll-tax.

HEARSE,n.Death'sbaby-carriage.

HEART,n.Anautomatic,muscularblood-pump.Figuratively, thisusefulorgan issaid tobe theseatofemotionsandsentiments—averypretty fancywhich,however,isnothingbutasurvivalofaonceuniversalbelief.Itisnowknownthatthesentimentsandemotionsresideinthestomach,beingevolvedfromfoodbychemicalactionofthegastricfluid.Theexactprocessbywhicha beefsteak becomes a feeling—tender or not, according to the age of theanimal fromwhich it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration throughwhich a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as apungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiledeggintoreligiouscontrition,oracream-puffintoasighofsensibility—these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him

expoundedwithconvincinglucidity.(See,also,mymonograph,TheEssentialIdentity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed inDigestion—4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, DelectatioDemonorum(JohnCamdenHotton,London,1873)thisviewofthesentimentsreceives a striking illustration; and for further light consult ProfessorDam'sfamoustreatiseonLoveasaProductofAlimentaryMaceration.

HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worshipsomething that he can see and feel.According toProfessorHowison,of theCaliforniaStateUniversity,Hebrewsareheathens.

HEAVEN,n.Aplacewherethewickedceasefromtroublingyouwithtalkoftheirpersonalaffairs,andthegoodlistenwithattentionwhileyouexpoundyourown.

HEBREW,n.AmaleJew,asdistinguishedfromtheShebrew,analtogethersuperiorcreation.

HELPMATE,n.Awife,orbitterhalf.

HEMP,n.Aplantfromwhosefibrousbarkismadeanarticleofneckwearwhichisfrequentlyputonafterpublicspeakingintheopenairandpreventsthewearerfromtakingcold.

HERMIT,n.Apersonwhosevicesandfolliesarenotsociable.

HERS,pron.His.

HIBERNATE,v.i.Topassthewinterseasonindomesticseclusion.Therehave been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of variousanimals.Many believe that the bear hibernates during thewholewinter andsubsistsbymechanicallysuckingitspaws.Itisadmittedthatitcomesoutofitsretirementinthespringsoleanthatithadtotrytwicebeforeitcancastashadow.Threeor four centuries ago, inEngland, no factwasbetter attestedthanthatswallowspassedthewintermonthsinthemudatthebottomoftheirbrooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently beencompelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks.Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people whohibernate.Bysomeinvestigators,thefastingofLentissupposedtohavebeenoriginally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave areligioussignificance;butthisviewwasstrenuouslyopposedbythateminentauthority,BishopKip,whodidnotwishanyhonorsdeniedtothememoryoftheFounderofhisfamily.

HIPPOGRIFF,n.Ananimal(nowextinct)whichwashalfhorseandhalfgriffin.The griffinwas itself a compound creature, half lion andhalf eagle.The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two

dollarsandfiftycentsingold.Thestudyofzoologyisfullofsurprises.

HISTORIAN,n.Abroad-gaugegossip.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,whicharebroughtaboutbyrulersmostlyknaves,andsoldiersmostlyfools.

HOG,n.Abirdremarkableforthecatholicityofitsappetiteandservingtoillustrate that of ours. Among theMahometans and Jews, the hog is not infavorasanarticleofdiet,butisrespectedforthedelicacyandthemelodyofitsvoice.Itischieflyasasongsterthatthefowlisesteemed;thecageofhimin full chorushas beenknown todraw tears from twopersons at once.Thescientificnameof thisdicky-birdisPorcusRockefelleri.Mr.Rockefellerdidnotdiscoverthehog,butitisconsideredhisbyrightofresemblance.

HOMOEOPATHIST,n.Thehumoristofthemedicalprofession.

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between AllopathyandChristian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, forChristianSciencewillcureimaginarydiseases,andtheycannot.

HOMICIDE,n.Theslayingofonehumanbeingbyanother.Therearefourkindsofhomocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy,but itmakesnogreatdifference to thepersonslainwhetherhefellbyonekindoranother—theclassificationisforadvantageofthelawyers.

HOMILETICS,n.Thescienceofadaptingsermonstothespiritualneeds,capacitiesandconditionsofthecongregation.

HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. Inlegislative bodies it is customary tomention all members as honorable; as,"thehonorablegentlemanisascurvycur."

HOPE,n.Desireandexpectationrolledintoone.

HOSPITALITY,n.Thevirtuewhichinducesustofeedandlodgecertainpersonswhoarenotinneedoffoodandlodging.

HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of theearth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as(respectively) the feelingofawoman forher female friends,and thatwhichsheentertainsforalltherestofhersex.

HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise tomake things cheery for the goodMussulman,whose belief in her existencemarksanoblediscontentwithhisearthlyspouse,whomhedeniesasoul.BythatgoodladytheHourisaresaidtobeheldindeficientesteem.

HOUSE,n.Ahollowedificeerectedforthehabitationofman,rat,mouse,beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. House of

Correction, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for thedetention of offenders and appropriations. House ofGod, a buildingwith asteeple and amortgageon it.House-dog, a pestilent beast kept ondomesticpremisestoinsultpersonspassingbyandappalthehardyvisitor.House-maid,ayoungerlypersonoftheopposingsexemployedtobevariouslydisagreeableandingeniouslyuncleaninthestationinwhichithaspleasedGodtoplaceher.

HOUSELESS,adj.Havingpaidalltaxesonhouseholdgoods.

HOVEL,n.ThefruitofaflowercalledthePalace.

HUMANITY,n.Thehumanrace,collectively,exclusiveoftheanthropoidpoets.

HUMORIST,n.AplaguethatwouldhavesofteneddownthehoarausterityofPharaoh'sheart andpersuadedhim todismiss Israelwithhisbestwishes,cat-quick.

HURRICANE, n.An atmospheric demonstration once very common butnowgenerallyabandonedforthetornadoandcyclone.Thehurricaneisstillinpopularuse in theWest Indiesand ispreferredbycertainold-fashionedsea-captains.Itisalsousedintheconstructionoftheupperdecksofsteamboats,butgenerallyspeaking,thehurricane'susefulnesshasoutlastedit.

HURRY,n.Thedispatchofbunglers.

HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of theplate.

HYBRID,n.Apooledissue.

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under manyheads.

HYENA, n.A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from itshabit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But themedicalstudentdoesthat.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS,n.Depressionofone'sownspirits.

HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respectsecurestheadvantageofseemingtobewhathedespises.

I

Iisthefirstletterofthealphabet,thefirstwordofthelanguage,thefirstthoughtofthemind,thefirstobjectofaffection.Ingrammaritisapronounof

thefirstpersonandsingularnumber.ItspluralissaidtobeWe,buthowtherecanbemorethanonemyselfisdoubtlessclearertothegrammariansthanitisto the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of twomyselfs isdifficult,butfine.Thefrankyetgracefuluseof"I"distinguishesagoodwriterfromabad;thelattercarriesitwiththemannerofathieftryingtocloakhisloot.

ICHOR,n.Afluidthatservesthegodsandgoddessesinplaceofblood.

ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof areimperfectlygratifiedbytheperformance,andmoststrenuouslyprotestthatheunbuildethbutdothnotreedify,thathepullethdownbutpilethnotup.Forthepoor thingswouldhaveother idols inplaceof thosehe thwackethupon themazzardanddispelleth.Buttheiconoclastsaith:"Yeshallhavenoneatall,foryeneedthemnot;andiftherebuilderfoolethroundhereabout,beholdIwilldepresstheheadofhimandsitthereontillhesquawkit."

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence inhumanaffairshasalwaysbeendominantandcontrolling.TheIdiot'sactivityisnot confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades andregulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision isunappealable.Hesetsthefashionsandopinionoftaste,dictatesthelimitationsofspeechandcircumscribesconductwithadead-line.

IDLENESS,n.Amodel farmwhere thedevil experimentswith seedsofnewsinsandpromotesthegrowthofstaplevices.

IGNORAMUS,n.Apersonunacquaintedwithcertainkindsofknowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothingabout.

ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of thesixteenth century; so called because theywere light weights— cunctationesilluminati.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy anddetraction.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in jointownership.

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affectingcensoriouscriticsofthisdictionary.

IMMIGRANT,n.Anunenlightenedpersonwhothinksonecountrybetterthananother.

IMMODEST,adj.Havingastrongsenseofone'sownmerit,coupledwithafeebleconceptionofworthinothers.

IMMORAL,adj.Inexpedient.Whateverinthelongrunandwithregardtothegreaternumberofinstancesmenfindtobegenerallyinexpedientcomestobe consideredwrong,wicked, immoral. Ifman's notionsof right andwronghaveanyotherbasisthanthisofexpediency;iftheyoriginated,orcouldhaveoriginated, inanyotherway;ifactionshaveinthemselvesamoralcharacterapartfrom,andnowisedependenton,theirconsequences—thenallphilosophyisalieandreasonadisorderofthemind.

IMPALE,v.t. Inpopularusagetopiercewithanyweaponwhichremainsfixedinthewound.This,however,isinaccurate;toimpaleis,properly,toputtodeathbythrustinganuprightsharpstakeintothebody,thevictimbeingleftinasittingposition.Thiswasacommonmodeofpunishmentamongmanyofthenationsofantiquity,and isstill inhighfavor inChinaandotherpartsofAsia.Downtothebeginningofthefifteenthcenturyitwaswidelyemployedin "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole ofrepentynge,"andamongthecommonpeopleitwasjocularlyknownas"ridingtheoneleggedhorse."LudwigSalzmanninformsusthatinThibetimpalementisconsideredthemostappropriatepunishmentforcrimesagainstreligion;andalthough in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is mostfrequentlyadjudgedincasesofsacrilege.Tothepersoninactualexperienceofimpalementitmustbeamatterofminorimportancebywhatkindofcivilorreligiousdissenthewasmadeacquaintedwith itsdiscomforts;butdoubtlesshe would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in thecharacterofaweather-cockonthespireoftheTrueChurch.

IMPARTIAL,adj.Unable toperceiveanypromiseofpersonaladvantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of twoconflictingopinions.

IMPENITENCE,n.Astateofmindintermediateinpointoftimebetweensinandpunishment.

IMPIETY,n.Yourirreverencetowardmydeity.

IMPOSITION,n.Theactofblessingorconsecratingby the layingonofhands—a ceremony common tomany ecclesiastical systems, but performedwiththefrankestsinceritybythesectknownasThieves.

IMPOSTORn.Arivalaspiranttopublichonors.

IMPROBABILITY,n.

Histalehetoldwithasolemnface

Andatender,melancholygrace.

Improbable'twas,nodoubt,

Whenyoucametothinkitout,

Butthefascinatedcrowd

Theirdeepsurpriseavowed

Andallwithasinglevoiceaverred

'Twasthemostamazingthingthey'dheard—

Allsaveonewhospakeneveraword,

Butsatasmum

Asifdeafanddumb,

Serene,indifferentandunstirred.

Thenalltheothersturnedtohim

Andscrutinizedhimlimbfromlimb—

Scannedhimalive;

Butheseemedtothrive

Andtranquilergroweachminute,

Asiftherewerenothinginit.

"What!what!"criedone,"areyounotamazed

Atwhatourfriendhastold?"Heraised

Soberlythenhiseyesandgazed

Inanaturalway

Andproceededtosay,

Ashecrossedhisfeetonthemantel-shelf:

"Ono—notatall;I'maliarmyself."

IMPROVIDENCE,n.Provisionfortheneedsofto-dayfromtherevenuesofto-morrow.

IMPUNITY,n.Wealth.

INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certainkindsoftestimonywhichjuriesaresupposedtobeunfittobeentrustedwith,andwhichjudges,therefore,ruleout,evenofproceedingsbeforethemselvesalone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted wasunsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentousactions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are dailyundertakenonhearsayevidence.Thereisnoreligionintheworldthathasanyother basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the

ScripturesarethewordofGodwehaveonlythetestimonyofmenlongdeadwhoseidentityisnotclearlyestablishedandwhoarenotknowntohavebeensworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in thiscountry, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidenceadmissible inacourtof law. Itcannotbeproved that thebattleofBlenheimever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such anempireasAssyria.

Butasrecordsofcourtsof justiceareadmissible, itcaneasilybeprovedthat powerful andmalevolentmagiciansonce existed andwere a scourge tomankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain womenwere convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is stillunimpeachable.Thejudges'decisionsbasedonitweresoundinlogicandinlaw.Nothinginanyexistingcourtwasevermorethoroughlyprovedthanthechargesofwitchcraftandsorceryforwhichsomanysuffereddeath. If therewere nowitches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute ofvalue.

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices beingunfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets,some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and mosttrustworthymodesofdivinationconsistedinobservingtheflightofbirds—theomensthencederivedbeingcalledauspices.Newspaperreportersandcertainmiscreantlexicographershavedecidedthattheword—alwaysintheplural—shallmean"patronage"or"management";as,"Thefestivitieswereundertheauspices of theAncient andHonorableOrder of Body-Snatchers"; or, "ThehilaritieswereauspicatedbytheKnightsofHunger."

INCOME,n.Thenaturalandrationalgaugeandmeasureofrespectability,thecommonlyacceptedstandardsbeingartificial,arbitraryandfallacious;for,as "SirSycophasChrysolater" in theplayhas justly remarked, "the trueuseand function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth—coins, or land, orhouses,ormerchant-stuff,oranythingwhichmaybenamedasholdenofrighttoone'sownsubservience)asalsoofhonors,titles,prefermentsandplace,andall favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to getmoney.Hence it followeth thatall thingsare truly toberatedasofworth inmeasureoftheirserviceablenesstothatend;andtheirpossessorsshouldtakerank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor,howsoeverbroadandancient,norhewhobearsanunremuneratedignity,noryetthepauperfavoriteofaking,beingesteemedoflevelexcellencywithhimwhose richesareofdailyaccretion;andhardly should theywhosewealth isbarrenclaimandrightlytakemorehonorthanthepoorandunworthy."

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. Inmatrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly

the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyedmatronlivingjustaroundthecorner.Ithasevenbeenknowntowearamoustache.

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Twothingsareincompossiblewhentheworldofbeinghasscopeenoughforoneofthem,butnotenoughforboth—asWaltWhitman'spoetryandGod'smercytoman.Incompossibility,itwillbeseen,isonlyincompatibilityletloose.Insteadofsuchlowlanguageas"Goheelyourself—Imeantokillyouonsight,"thewords, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey an equally significantintimationandinstatelycourtesyarealtogethersuperior.

INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, thoughprobablynotwhollyextinct,maybesaidtohaveseentheirbestnights.Foracompleteaccountofincubiandsuccubi,includingincubaeandsuccubae,seethe Liber Demonorum of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains muchcurious information thatwouldbeoutofplace inadictionary intendedasatext-bookforthepublicschools.

VictorHugo relates that in theChannel IslandsSatanhimself— temptedmore than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless— sometimesplays at incubus, greatly to the inconvenience and alarmof thegooddameswhowish to be loyal to theirmarriage vows, generally speaking.A certainlady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark,distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holyman said theymustfeelhisbrowforhorns;butHugoisungallantenoughtohintadoubtoftheefficacyofthetest.

INCUMBENT,n.Apersonoftheliveliestinteresttotheoutcumbents.

INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith SirThomasBrewbold,"thereisbutonewaytodonothinganddiverswaytodosomething,whereof,toasurety,onlyoneistherightway,itfolloweththathewhofromindecisionstandethstillhathnotsomanychancesofgoingastrayashe who pusheth forwards"—amost clear and satisfactory exposition of thematter.

"Yourpromptdecisiontoattack,"saidGeneralGrantonacertainoccasiontoGeneralGordonGranger,"wasadmirable;youhadbutfiveminutestomakeupyourmindin."

"Yes,sir,"answeredthevictorioussubordinate,"itisagreatthingtoknowexactlywhattodoinanemergency.WhenindoubtwhethertoattackorretreatIneverhesitateamoment—Itossupacopper."

"Doyoumeantosaythat'swhatyoudidthistime?"

"Yes,General;butforHeaven'ssakedon'treprimandme:Idisobeyedthecoin."

INDIFFERENT,adj.Imperfectlysensibletodistinctionsamongthings.

INDIGESTION,n.Adiseasewhichthepatientandhisfriendsfrequentlymistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation ofmankind.AsthesimpleRedManofthewesternwildputit,with,itmustbeconfessed,acertainforce:"Plentywell,nopray;bigbellyache,heapGod."

INDISCRETION,n.Theguiltofwoman.

INEXPEDIENT,adj.Notcalculatedtoadvanceone'sinterests.

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,"Heavenliesaboutus."Theworldbeginslyingaboutusprettysoonafterward.

INFERIAE, n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices forpropitiation of the Dii Manes, or souls of the dead heroes; for the piousancientscouldnotinventenoughgodstosatisfytheirspiritualneeds,andhadto have a number ofmakeshift deities, or, as a sailormight say, jury-gods,which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was whilesacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest ofAulis,was favoredwith an audience of that illustriouswarrior's shade,whoprophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph ofChristianity,givinghimalsoa rapidbut tolerablycomplete reviewofeventsdownto thereignofSaintLouis.Thenarrativeendedabruptlyat thatpoint,owing to the inconsiderate crowingof a cock,which compelled theghostedKingofMen to scamperback toHades.There is a finemediaeval flavor tothisstory,andasithasnotbeentracedbackfurtherthanPereBrateille,apiousbutobscurewriteratthecourtofSaintLouis,weshallprobablynoterrontheside of presumption in considering it apocryphal, thoughMonsignorCapel'sjudgmentofthemattermightbedifferent;andtothatIbow—wow.

INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind ofscoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines,ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters,hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters,deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men,confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets,imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots,priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs,bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans,subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders,incumbents,capitulars,sheiks,talapoins,postulants,scribes,gooroos,

precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites,perpetualcurates,chaplains,mudjoes,readers,novices,vicars,pastors,rabbis,ulemas,lamas,sacristans,vergers,dervises,lectors,churchwardens,cardinals,prioresses,suffragans,acolytes,rectors,cures,sophis,mutifsandpumpums.

INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for asubstantialquid.

INFRALAPSARIAN,n.OnewhoventurestobelievethatAdamneednothave sinned unless he had amind to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians,who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effectupontheimportanceandlucidityoftheirviewsaboutAdam.

INGRATE,n.Onewhoreceivesabenefitfromanother,orisotherwiseanobjectofcharity.

INJURY,n.Anoffensenextindegreeofenormitytoaslight.

INJUSTICE,n.Aburdenwhichofallthosethatweloaduponothersandcarryourselvesislightestinthehandsandheaviestupontheback.

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic andwater,chieflyusedtofacilitatetheinfectionofidiocyandpromoteintellectualcrime.Thepropertiesofinkarepeculiarandcontradictory:itmaybeusedtomakereputationsandunmakethem;toblackenthemandtomakethemwhite;butitismostgenerallyandacceptablyemployedasamortartobindtogetherthestonesofanedificeoffame,andasawhitewashtoconcealafterwardtherascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who haveestablishedinkbathswhichsomepersonspaymoneytogetinto,otherstogetout of.Not infrequently it occurs that a personwhohas paid to get in paystwiceasmuchtogetout.

INNATE,adj.Natural, inherent—asinnateideas, that is tosay, ideasthatwearebornwith,havinghadthempreviouslyimpartedtous.Thedoctrineofinnateideasisoneofthemostadmirablefaithsofphilosophy,beingitselfaninnate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishlysupposedhimselftohavegivenit"ablackeye."Amonginnateideasmaybementionedthebeliefinone'sabilitytoconductanewspaper,inthegreatnessofone'scountry, in thesuperiorityofone'scivilization, in the importanceofone'spersonalaffairsandintheinterestingnatureofone'sdiseases.

IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.Many eminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer andrenowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organknownas the spleen isnothing less thanour immortalpart.To thecontrary,Professor Garrett P. Servis holds thatman's soul is that prolongation of his

spinalmarrowwhichformsthepithofhisnotail;andfordemonstrationofhisfaith points confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls.Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believingboth.

INSCRIPTION,n.Somethingwrittenonanotherthing.Inscriptionsareofmanykinds,butmostlymemorial,intendedtocommemoratethefameofsomeillustriouspersonandhanddowntodistantagestherecordofhisservicesandvirtues.TothisclassofinscriptionsbelongsthenameofJohnSmith,penciledon the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorialinscriptionsontombstones:(SeeEPITAPH.)

INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which theplayerispermittedtoenjoythecomfortableconvictionthatheisbeatingthemanwhokeepsthetable.

InsuranceAgent:Mydearsir,thatisafinehouse—prayletmeinsureit.

HouseOwner:Withpleasure.Pleasemaketheannualpremiumsolowthatbythetimewhen,accordingtothetablesofyouractuary,itwillprobablybedestroyedby fire Iwillhavepaidyouconsiderably less than the faceof thepolicy.

InsuranceAgent:Odear,no—wecouldnotaffordtodothat.Wemustfixthepremiumsothatyouwillhavepaidmore.

HouseOwner:How,then,canIaffordthat?

InsuranceAgent:Why,yourhousemayburndownatanytime.TherewasSmith'shouse,forexample,which—

HouseOwner:Spareme—therewereBrown'shouse,onthecontrary,andJones'shouse,andRobinson'shouse,which—

InsuranceAgent:Spareme!

House Owner: Letusunderstandeachother.Youwantmetopayyoumoneyonthesuppositionthatsomethingwilloccurpreviouslytothetimesetbyyourselfforitsoccurrence.Inotherwords,youexpectmetobetthatmyhousewillnotlastsolongasyousaythatitwillprobablylast.

InsuranceAgent: But if your house burnswithout insurance it will be atotalloss.

House Owner: Begyourpardon—byyourownactuary'stablesIshallprobablyhavesaved,whenitburns,allthepremiumsIwouldotherwisehavepaidtoyou—amountingtomorethanthefaceofthepolicytheywouldhavebought.Butsupposeitto burn,uninsured,beforethetimeuponwhichyourfiguresarebased.IfIcouldnotaffordthat,howcouldyouifitwereinsured?

InsuranceAgent:O,weshouldmakeourselveswholefromourluckierventureswithotherclients.Virtually,theypayyourloss.

HouseOwner:Andvirtually,then,don'tIhelptopaytheirlosses?Arenottheirhousesaslikelyasminetoburnbeforetheyhavepaidyouasmuchasyoumustpaythem?Thecasestandsthisway:youexpecttotakemoremoneyfromyourclientsthanyoupaytothem,doyounot?

InsuranceAgent:Certainly;ifwedidnot—

HouseOwner:Iwouldnottrustyouwithmymoney.Verywellthen.Ifitiscertain,withreferencetothewholebodyofyourclients,thattheylosemoneyonyouitisprobable,withreferencetoanyoneofthem,thathewill.Itistheseindividualprobabilitiesthatmaketheaggregatecertainty.

InsuranceAgent:Iwillnotdenyit—butlookatthefiguresinthispamph—

HouseOwner:Heavenforbid!

Insurance Agent: Youspokeofsavingthepremiumswhichyouwouldotherwisepaytome.Willyounotbemorelikelytosquanderthem?Weofferyouanincentivetothrift.

House Owner:ThewillingnessofAtotakecareofB'smoneyisnotpeculiartoinsurance,butasacharitableinstitutionyoucommandesteem.DeigntoacceptitsexpressionfromaDeservingObject.

INSURRECTION,n.Anunsuccessfulrevolution.Disaffection'sfailuretosubstitutemisruleforbadgovernment.

INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set ofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,immediateorremote,oftheperformanceofaninvoluntaryact.

INTERPRETER,n.Onewhoenablestwopersonsofdifferentlanguagestounderstand each other by repeating to eachwhat it would have been to theinterpreter'sadvantagefortheothertohavesaid.

INTERREGNUM, n. The period duringwhich amonarchical country isgoverned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment ofletting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappyresultsfromthezealofmanyworthypersonstomakeitwarmagain.

INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn fortheirmutualdestruction.

INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for thegratificationofhisservantsandtheplaguingofhisenemies.Theintroductionattainsitsmostmalevolentdevelopmentinthiscountry,being,indeed,closely

relatedtoourpoliticalsystem.EveryAmericanbeingtheequalofeveryotherAmerican, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else,which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. TheDeclarationofIndependenceshouldhavereadthus:

"Weholdthesetruthstobeself-evident:thatallmenarecreatedequal;thattheyareendowedbytheirCreatorwithcertaininalienablerights;thatamongthesearelife,andtherighttomakethatofanothermiserablebythrustinguponhimanincalculablequantityofacquaintances;liberty,particularlythelibertytointroducepersonstooneanotherwithoutfirstascertainingiftheyarenotalreadyacquaintedasenemies;andthepursuitofanother'shappinesswitharunningpackofstrangers."

INVENTOR,n.Apersonwhomakesaningeniousarrangementofwheels,leversandsprings,andbelievesitcivilization.

IRRELIGION,n.Theprincipaloneofthegreatfaithsoftheworld.

ITCH,n.ThepatriotismofaScotchman.

J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel— thanwhich nothing could bemore absurd. Its original form,which has been butslightlymodified,wasthatofthetailofasubdueddog,anditwasnotaletterbutacharacter,standingforaLatinverb,jacere,"tothrow,"becausewhenastoneisthrownatadogthedog'stailassumesthatshape.Thisistheoriginofthe letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of theUniversity ofBelgrade,who established his conclusions on the subject in aworkofthreequartovolumesandcommittedsuicideonbeingremindedthatthejintheRomanalphabethadoriginallynocurl.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that whichcanbelostonlyifnotworthkeeping.

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whosebusiness it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, theabsurditybeingattestedbyhismotleycostume.Thekinghimselfbeingattiredwithdignity,ittooktheworldsomecenturiestodiscoverthathisownconductand decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of hiscourtbutofallmankind.Thejesterwascommonlycalledafool,butthepoetsandromancershaveeverdelightedtorepresenthimasasingularlywiseandwitty person. In the circus of to-day themelancholy ghost of the court fooleffects thedejectionof humbler audienceswith the same jestswherewith in

life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor andtappedthetankofroyaltears.

JEWS-HARP,n.Anunmusical instrument,playedbyholdingit fastwiththeteethandtryingtobrushitawaywiththefinger.

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagantomfoolery,inimitationofcertainsacredritesofourholyreligion.

JUSTICE,n.Acommoditywhich isamoreor lessadulteratedconditiontheStatesellstothecitizenasarewardforhisallegiance,taxesandpersonalservice.

K

Kisaconsonant thatweget from theGreeks,but it canbe tracedawaybackbeyondthemtotheCerathians,asmallcommercialnationinhabitingthepeninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch, which means"destroyed."TheformoftheletterwasoriginallypreciselythatofourH,butthe erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape tocommemoratethedestructionofthegreattempleofJarutebyanearthquake,circa 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of itsportico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the otherremaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have beensuggestedbythesepillars,so,itisthoughtbythegreatantiquary,itslaterwasadoptedasasimpleandnatural—nottosaytouching—meansofkeepingthecalamityeverinthenationalmemory.Itisnotknownifthenameoftheletterwasalteredasanadditionalmnemonic,orifthenamewasalwaysKlatchandthedestructiononeofnature'spuns.Aseachtheoryseemsprobableenough,Iseenoobjectiontobelievingboth—andDr.Snedekerarrayedhimselfonthatsideofthequestion.

KILL,v.t.Tocreateavacancywithoutnominatingasuccessor.

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America andAmericansinScotland.

KINDNESS,n.Abriefprefacetotenvolumesofexaction.

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crownedhead,"althoughheneverwearsacrownandhasusuallynoheadtospeakof.

KING'SEVIL,n.Amalady thatwas formerly curedby the touchof thesovereign,buthasnowtobetreatedbythephysicians.Thus"themostpiousEdward"ofEnglandused to layhis royalhandupon theailing subjects and

makethemwhole—

acrowdofwretchedsouls

Thatstayhiscure:theirmaladyconvinces

Thegreatessayofart;butathistouch,

SuchsanctityhathHeavengivenhishand,

Theypresentlyamend,

asthe"Doctor"inMacbethhathit.Thisusefulpropertyoftheroyalhandcould, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; foraccordingto"Malcolm,"

'tisspoken

Tothesucceedingroyaltyheleaves

Thehealingbenediction.

But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the latersovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease oncehonoredwiththename"king'sevil"nowbearsthehumbleroneof"scrofula,"fromscrofa,asow.Thedateandauthorofthefollowingepigramareknownonlytotheauthorofthisdictionary,butitisoldenoughtoshowthatthejestaboutScotland'snationaldisorderisnotathingofyesterday.

YeKyngehisevillinmelaye,

Wh.heofScottlandecharmedawaye.

Helaydehishandonmineandsayd:

"Begone!"Yeillnolongerstayd.

ButOyewofullplyghtinwh.

I'mnowy-pight:Ihaveyeitche!

The superstition thatmaladies canbe curedby royal taction is dead, butlikemanyadepartedconvictionithasleftamonumentofcustomtokeepitsmemorygreen.ThepracticeofformingalineandshakingthePresident'shandhad no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healingsalutationon

strangelyvisitedpeople,

Allswolnandulcerous,pitifultotheeye,

Themeredespairofsurgery,

he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torchwhich once

waskindledatthealtar-fireofafaithlongheldbyallclassesofmen.It isabeautiful and edifying "survival"—one which brings the sainted past closehomeinour"businessandbosoms."

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It issupposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremonyappertaining to a good understanding; but themanner of its performance isunknowntothislexicographer.

KLEPTOMANIAC,n.Arichthief.

KORAN, n.A bookwhich theMohammedans foolishly believe to havebeenwrittenbydivineinspiration,butwhichChristiansknowtobeawickedimposture,contradictorytotheHolyScriptures.

L

LABOR,n.OneoftheprocessesbywhichAacquirespropertyforB.

LAND,n.Apartoftheearth'ssurface,consideredasproperty.Thetheorythatlandispropertysubjecttoprivateownershipandcontrolisthefoundationofmodernsociety,andiseminentlyworthyofthesuperstructure.Carriedtoitslogical conclusion, itmeans that somehave the right topreventothers fromliving;fortherighttoownimpliestherightexclusivelytooccupy;andinfactlaws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. ItfollowsthatifthewholeareaofterrafirmaisownedbyA,BandC,therewillbenoplaceforD,E,FandGtobeborn,or,bornastrespassers,toexist.

LANGUAGE,n.Themusicwithwhichwe charm the serpents guardinganother'streasure.

LAOCOON,n.Afamouspieceofantiquescripturerepresentingapriestofthatnameandhis twosons in the foldsof twoenormousserpents.Theskillanddiligencewithwhichtheoldmanandladssupporttheserpentsandkeepthemuptotheirworkhavebeenjustlyregardedasoneofthenoblestartisticillustrationsofthemasteryofhumanintelligenceoverbruteinertia.

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system—anadmirableprovisionofnature for thereposeof infancy,butchieflyuseful inruralfestivitiestosupportplatesofcoldchickenandheadsofadultmales.Themaleof our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in nowaycontributingtotheanimal'ssubstantialwelfare.

LAST,n.Ashoemaker's implement,namedbya frowningProvidenceasopportunitytothemakerofpuns.

LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of thefeatures and accompaniedby inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, thoughintermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of thecharacteristics distinguishing man from the animals— these being not onlyinaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to themicrobes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whetherlaughtercouldbeimpartedtoanimalsbyinoculationfromthehumanpatientis a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. MeirWitchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to theinstantaneousfermentationofsputadiffusedinaspray.FromthispeculiarityhenamesthedisorderConvulsiospargens.

LAUREATE,adj.Crownedwithleavesofthelaurel.InEnglandthePoetLaureate is anofficer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton ateveryroyalfeastandsinging-muteateveryroyalfuneral.Ofallincumbentsofthathighoffice,RobertSoutheyhad themostnotableknackatdrugging theSamsonofpublicjoyandcuttinghishairtothequick;andhehadanartisticcolor-sensewhich enabledhim so to blacken a public grief as to give it theaspectofanationalcrime.

LAUREL, n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerlydefoliatedtowreathethebrowsofvictorsandsuchpoetsashadinfluenceatcourt.(Videsupra.)

LAWFUL,adj.Compatiblewiththewillofajudgehavingjurisdiction.

LAWYER,n.Oneskilledincircumventionofthelaw.

LAZINESS,n.Unwarrantedreposeofmannerinapersonoflowdegree.

LEAD,n.Aheavyblue-graymetalmuchused ingivingstability to lightlovers—particularlytothosewholovenotwiselybutothermen'swives.Leadisalsoofgreatserviceasacounterpoisetoanargumentofsuchweightthatitturnsthescaleofdebatethewrongway.Aninterestingfactinthechemistryofinternationalcontroversyisthatatthepointofcontactoftwopatriotismsleadisprecipitatedingreatquantities.

LEARNING,n.Thekindofignorancedistinguishingthestudious.

LECTURER,n.Onewithhishandinyourpocket,histongueinyourearandhisfaithinyourpatience.

LEGACY,n.Agiftfromonewhoisleggingitoutofthisvaleoftears.

LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those inwhichawordinthemiddleofalinerhymeswithawordattheend,asinthisfamouspassagefromBellaPeelerSilcox:

TheelectriclightinvadesthedunnestdeepofHades.

CriesPluto,'twixthissnores:"Otempora!Omores!"

It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teachpronunciationoftheGreekandLatintongues.Leonineversesaresocalledinhonor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure inbelievingtohavebeenthefirsttodiscoverthatarhymingcoupletcouldberunintoasingleline.

LETTUCE,n.AnherbofthegenusLactuca,"Wherewith,"saysthatpiousgastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good andpunish thewicked.Forbyhis inner light the righteousmanhasdiscerned amannerofcompoundingforitadressingtotheappetencywhereofamultitudeof gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated withprofusionofoil,theentirecomestiblemakinggladtheheartofthegodlyandcausinghis face toshine.But thepersonofspiritualunworth is successfullytemptedtotheAdversarytoeatoflettucewithdestitutionofoil,mustard,egg,salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar.Whereforethepersonofspiritualunworthsuffersanintestinalpangofstrangecomplexityandraisesthesong."

LEVIATHAN, n.An enormous aquatic animalmentioned by Job. Somesuppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr.Jordan,ofStanfordUniversity,maintainswithconsiderableheatthatitwasaspecies of gigantic Tadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig—Mariapseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the TadpoleconsultthefamousmonographofJanePotter,ThaddeusofWarsaw.

LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense ofrecordingsomeparticularstageinthedevelopmentofalanguage,doeswhathe can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility andmechanize itsmethods.Foryourlexicographer,havingwrittenhisdictionary,comestobeconsidered"asonehavingauthority,"whereashisfunctionisonlytomakearecord,nottogivealaw.Thenaturalservilityofthehumanunderstandinghavinginvestedhimwithjudicialpower,surrendersitsrightofreasonandsubmitsitselftoachronicleasifitwereastatute.Letthedictionary(forexample)markagoodwordas"obsolete"or"obsolescent"andfewmenthereafterventuretouseit,whatever their need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor—wherebytheprocessofimpoverishmentisacceleratedandspeechdecays.Onthe contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth thatlanguagemustgrowbyinnovationifitgrowatall,makesnewwordsandusestheoldinanunfamiliarsense,hasnofollowingandistartlyremindedthat"itisn'tinthedictionary"—althoughdowntothetimeofthefirstlexicographer(Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in thedictionary.InthegoldenprimeandhighnoonofEnglishspeech;whenfromthelipsofthegreatElizabethansfellwordsthatmadetheirownmeaningand

carrieditintheirverysound;whenaShakespeareandaBaconwerepossible,andthelanguagenowrapidlyperishingatoneendandslowlyrenewedattheotherwasinvigorousgrowthandhardypreservation—sweeterthanhoneyandstrongerthanalion—thelexicographerwasapersonunknown,thedictionaryacreationwhichhisCreatorhadnotcreatedhimtocreate.

LIAR,n.Alawyerwitharovingcommission.

LIBERTY,n.OneofImagination'smostpreciouspossessions.

LICKSPITTLE,n.Auseful functionary, not infrequently foundediting anewspaper.Inhischaracterofeditorheiscloselyalliedtotheblackmailerbythetieofoccasionalidentity;forintruththelickspittleisonlytheblackmailerunderanotheraspect,althoughthelatterisfrequentlyfoundasanindependentspecies. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as thebusinessofaconfidencemanismoredetestablethanthatofahighwayrobber;and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers willcheat,everysneakwillplunderifhedare.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.We live indailyapprehensionofitsloss;yetwhenlostitisnotmissed.Thequestion,"Islifeworthliving?"hasbeenmuchdiscussed;particularlybythosewhothinkitisnot,manyofwhomhavewrittenatgreatlengthinsupportoftheirviewandbycarefulobservanceofthelawsofhealthenjoyedforlongtermsofyearsthehonorsofsuccessfulcontroversy.

LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which thegovernmentmaintainsalampandthefriendofapolitician.

LIMB,n.ThebranchofatreeorthelegofanAmericanwoman.

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth themaking ofwhich,whenmade of hemp,entailsagreatwasteofhemp."—CalcrafttheHangman.

LITIGANT,n.Apersonabouttogiveuphisskinforthehopeofretaininghisbones.

LITIGATION,n.Amachinewhichyougointoasapigandcomeoutofasasausage.

LIVER,n.Alargeredorganthoughtfullyprovidedbynaturetobebiliouswith.Thesentimentsandemotionswhicheveryliteraryanatomistnowknowsto haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and evenGascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "ourhepaticallparte."Itwasatonetimeconsideredtheseatoflife;henceitsname—liver, the thingwe livewith. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose;withoutitthatbirdwouldbeunabletosupplyuswiththeStrasbourgpate.

LL.D.LettersindicatingthedegreeLegumptionorumDoctor,onelearned

in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon thisderivation by the fact that the title was formerly LL.d., and conferred onlyupon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writingColumbiaUniversityisconsideringtheexpediencyofmakinganotherdegreeforclergymen, inplaceof theoldD.D.—DamnatorDiaboli.ThenewhonorwillbeknownasSanctorumCustus, andwritten$$c.Thenameof theRev.JohnSatanhasbeensuggestedasasuitablerecipientbyaloverofconsistency,who points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed theadvantageofadegree.

LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization andenlightenment.

LODGER,n.AlesspopularnamefortheSecondPersonofthatdelectablenewspaperTrinity,theRoomer,theBedder,andtheMealer.

LOGIC,n.Theartofthinkingandreasoninginstrictaccordancewiththelimitationsandincapacitiesofthehumanmisunderstanding.Thebasicoflogicisthesyllogism,consistingofamajorandaminorpremiseandaconclusion—thus:

MajorPremise:Sixtymencandoapieceofworksixtytimesasquicklyasoneman.

MinorPremise:Onemancandigapostholeinsixtyseconds;therefore—

Conclusion:Sixtymencandigapostholeinonesecond.

This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combininglogicandmathematics,weobtainadoublecertaintyandaretwiceblessed.

LOGOMACHY,n.Awarinwhichtheweaponsarewordsandthewoundspuncturesintheswim-bladderofself-esteem—akindofcontestinwhich,thevanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward ofsuccess.

'Tissaidbydiversofthescholar-men

ThatpoorSalmasiusdiedofMilton'spen.

Alas!wecannotknowifthisistrue,

ForreadingMilton'switweperishtoo.

LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meekforbearancewhilematuringaplanofrevenge.

LONGEVITY,n.Uncommonextensionofthefearofdeath.

LOOKING-GLASS,n.Avitreousplaneuponwhich todisplayafleetingshowforman'sdisillusiongiven.

TheKingofManchuriahadamagiclooking-glass,whereonwhosolookedsaw,nothisownimage,butonlythatoftheking.Acertaincourtierwhohadlong enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any othersubjectoftherealm,saidtotheking:"Giveme,Ipray,thywonderfulmirror,sothatwhenabsentoutofthineaugustpresenceImayyetdohomagebeforethyvisibleshadow,prostratingmyselfnightandmorning in thegloryof thybenigncountenance,aswhichnothinghassodivinesplendor,ONoondaySunoftheUniverse!"

Pleasewiththespeech,thekingcommandedthatthemirrorbeconveyedto the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither without apprisal, hefound it in an apartmentwherewas naught but idle lumber.And themirrorwasdimmedwithdustandoverlacedwithcobwebs.Thissoangeredhimthathefistedithard,shatteringtheglass,andwassorelyhurt.Enragedallthemorebythismischance,hecommandedthattheungratefulcourtierbethrownintoprison,and that theglassbe repairedand takenback tohisownpalace;andthiswasdone.Butwhenthekinglookedagainonthemirrorhesawnothisimage as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloodybandageononeofitshinderhooves—astheartificersandallwhohadlookeduponithadbeforediscernedbutfearedtoreport.Taughtwisdomandcharity,thekingrestoredhiscourtiertoliberty,hadthemirrorsetintothebackofthethroneandreignedmanyyearswithjusticeandhumility;andonedaywhenhefellasleepindeathwhileonthethrone,thewholecourtsawinthemirrortheluminousfigureofanangel,whichremainstothisday.

LOQUACITY,n.Adisorderwhichrendersthesuffererunabletocurbhistonguewhenyouwishtotalk.

LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of acostermonger,as,lord'Aberdasher,LordHartisanandsoforth.ThetravelingBriton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, or'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of theSupremeBeing;butthisisthoughttoberatherflatterythantruereverence.

LORE, n. Learning—particularly that sort which is not derived from aregularcourseofinstructionbutcomesofthereadingofoccultbooks,orbynature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and embracespopularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's CuriousMyths of theMiddle Ages the reader will find many of these traced backward, throughvarious people on converging lines, toward a common origin in remoteantiquity. Among these are the fables of "Teddy the Giant Killer," "TheSleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little Red Riding Hood and the SugarTrust," "Beautyand theBrisbane," "TheSevenAldermenofEphesus," "RipVanFairbanks," and so forth.The fablewhichGoethe so affectingly relatesunder the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in

Greeceas"TheDemosandtheInfantIndustry."Oneofthemostgeneralandancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the FortyRockefellers."

LOSS, n. Privation of thatwhichwe had, or had not.Thus, in the lattersense,itissaidofadefeatedcandidatethathe"losthiselection";andofthateminentman, thepoetGilder, thathehas"losthismind."It is in theformerandmorelegitimatesense,thatthewordisusedinthefamousepitaph:

HereHuntington'sasheslonghavelain

Whoselossisoureternalgain,

Forwhileheexercisedallhispowers

Whateverhegained,thelosswasours.

LOVE,n.Atemporaryinsanitycurablebymarriageorbyremovalofthepatientfromtheinfluencesunderwhichheincurredthedisorder.Thisdisease,likecariesandmanyotherailments, isprevalentonlyamongcivilized racesliving under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air andeatingsimplefoodenjoyimmunityfromitsravages.Itissometimesfatal,butmorefrequentlytothephysicianthantothepatient.

LOW-BRED,adj."Raised"insteadofbroughtup.

LUMINARY,n.Onewhothrowslightuponasubject;asaneditorbynotwritingaboutit.

LUNARIAN,n.Aninhabitantofthemoon,asdistinguishedfromLunatic,onewhomthemooninhabits.TheLunarianshavebeendescribedbyLucian,Locke and other observers, but without much agreement. For example,Bragellos avers their anatomical identitywithMan, butProfessorNewcombsaystheyaremorelikethehilltribesofVermont.

LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in afigurativesensetodenotethepoeticfaculty,asinthefollowingfierylinesofourgreatpoet,EllaWheelerWilcox:

M

MACE,n.Astaffofofficesignifyingauthority. Its form, thatofaheavyclub,indicatesitsoriginalpurposeanduseindissuadingfromdissent.

MACHINATION,n.Themethodemployedbyone'sopponentsinbafflingone'sopenandhonorableeffortstodotherightthing.

MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age.History isabundantlysuppliedwithexamples, fromMethuselah toOldParr,but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrianpeasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what heconsideredaglimpseofthedawnofuniversalpeace.Scanaviusrelatesthatheknewanarchbishopwhowassooldthathecouldrememberatimewhenhedidnotdeservehanging.In1566alinendraperofBristol,England,declaredthathehadlivedfivehundredyears,andthatinallthattimehehadnevertolda lie. There are instances of longevity (macrobiosis) in our own country.Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of TheAmerican,anewspaperinNewYorkCity,hasamemorythatgoesbacktothetimewhen hewas a rascal, but not to the fact. ThePresident of theUnitedStateswasbornsolongagothatmanyofthefriendsofhisyouthhaverisentohighpoliticalandmilitaryprefermentwithouttheassistanceofpersonalmerit.Theversesfollowingwerewrittenbyamacrobian:

MAD,adj.Affectedwithahighdegreeof intellectual independence;notconforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by theconformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short,unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officialsdestitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present(andillustrious)lexicographerisnofirmerinthefaithofhisownsanitythanisany inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to thecontrary,insteadoftheloftyoccupationthatseemstohimtobeengaginghispowers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of anasylumanddeclaringhimselfNoahWebster,totheinnocentdelightofmanythoughtlessspectators.

MAGDALENE,n.An inhabitantofMagdala.Popularly, awoman foundout. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary ofMagdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by St.Luke.IthasalsotheofficialsanctionofthegovernmentsofGreatBritainandthe United States. In England the word is pronounced Maudlin, whencemaudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With their Maudlin forMagdalene, and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boastthemselvesthegreatestofrevisers.

MAGIC,n.Anartofconvertingsuperstitionintocoin.Thereareotherartsserving thesamehighpurpose,but thediscreet lexicographerdoesnotnamethem.

MAGNET,n.Somethingacteduponbymagnetism.

MAGNETISM,n.Somethingactinguponamagnet.

Thetwodefinitionsimmediatelyforegoingarecondensedfromtheworks

ofone thousand eminent scientists,whohave illuminated the subjectwith agreatwhitelight,totheinexpressibleadvancementofhumanknowledge.

MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that towhich the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or thegloryofaglowworm,toamaggot.

MAGNITUDE,n.Size.Magnitudebeingpurelyrelative,nothingis largeand nothing small. If everything in the universewere increased in bulk onethousanddiametersnothingwouldbeanylargerthanitwasbefore,butifonethingremainunchangedalltheotherswouldbelargerthantheyhadbeen.Toan understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance thespacesandmassesoftheastronomerwouldbenomoreimpressivethanthoseofthemicroscopist.Foranythingweknowtothecontrary,thevisibleuniversemaybeasmallpartofanatom,withitscomponentions,floatinginthelife-fluid(luminiferousether)ofsomeanimal.Possiblytheweecreaturespeoplingthecorpusclesofourownbloodareovercomewiththeproperemotionwhencontemplatingtheunthinkabledistancefromoneofthesetoanother.

MAGPIE,n.Abirdwhosethievishdispositionsuggestedtosomeonethatitmightbetaughttotalk.

MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewlessconductandviewsthatmaddentocrime.Thegenushasawidegeographicaldistribution,beingfoundwhereversoughtanddeploredwhereverfound.Themaidenisnotaltogetherunpleasingtotheeye,nor(withoutherpianoandherviews) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctlyinferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible,bleatenoutofthefieldbythecanary—which,also,ismoreportable.

MAJESTY,n.Thestateandtitleofaking.Regardedwithajustcontemptby theMost Eminent GrandMasters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohoneesand Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republicanAmerica.

MALE,n.Amemberoftheunconsidered,ornegligiblesex.Themaleofthehumanraceiscommonlyknown(tothefemale)asMereMan.Thegenushastwovarieties:goodprovidersandbadproviders.

MALEFACTOR,n.Thechieffactorintheprogressofthehumanrace.

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthusbelievedinartificiallylimitingpopulation,butfoundthatitcouldnotbedoneby talking.One of themost practical exponents of theMalthusian ideawasHerodofJudea,thoughallthefamoussoldiershavebeenofthesamewayofthinking.

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in astateofnaturesuckletheiryoung,butwhencivilizedandenlightenedputthemouttonurse,orusethebottle.

MAMMON,n.Thegodoftheworld'sleadingreligion.ThechieftempleisintheholycityofNewYork.

MAN,n.Ananimalso lost inrapturouscontemplationofwhathe thinksheisastooverlookwhatheindubitablyoughttobe.Hischiefoccupationisextermination of other animals and his own species, which, however,multiplieswith such insistent rapidity as to infest thewhole habitable earthandCanada.

MANES,n.TheimmortalpartsofdeadGreeksandRomans.Theywereinastateofdulldiscomfortuntilthebodiesfromwhichtheyhadexhaledwereburied and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happyafterward.

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessantwarfarebetweenGoodandEvil.WhenGoodgaveupthefightthePersiansjoinedthevictoriousOpposition.

MANNA,n.AfoodmiraculouslygiventotheIsraelitesinthewilderness.Whenitwasnolongersuppliedtothemtheysettleddownandtilledthesoil,fertilizingit,asarule,withthebodiesoftheoriginaloccupants.

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of amaster,amistressandtwoslaves,makinginall,two.

MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to adesireddeath.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from animaginaryone.Important.

MAUSOLEUM,n.Thefinalandfunniestfollyoftherich.

MAYONNAISE,n.OneofthesauceswhichservetheFrenchinplaceofastatereligion.

ME,pro.TheobjectionablecaseofI.ThepersonalpronouninEnglishhasthreecases, thedominative, theobjectionableandtheoppressive.Eachisallthree.

MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is theancientnameofariveraboutonehundredandfiftymilessouthofTroy,whichturned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearingwhen theGreeks andTrojansboastedoftheirprowess.

MEDAL,n.Asmallmetaldiskgivenasarewardforvirtues,attainments

orservicesmoreorlessauthentic.

It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantlyrescuingadrowningperson, that, beingasked themeaningof themedal,hereplied:"Isavelivessometimes."Andsometimeshedidn't.

MEDICINE,n.AstoneflungdowntheBowerytokilladoginBroadway.

MEEKNESS,n.Uncommonpatience inplanningarevengethat isworthwhile.

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneouslysupposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience incoloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmenengagedinthatindustry.Thepurposeofcoloringithasnotbeendisclosedbythemanufacturers.

MENDACIOUS,adj.Addictedtorhetoric.

MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercialpursuitisoneinwhichthethingpursuedisadollar.

MERCY,n.Anattributebelovedofdetectedoffenders.

MESMERISM,n.Hypnotismbeforeitworegoodclothes,keptacarriageandaskedIncredulitytodinner.

METROPOLIS,n.Astrongholdofprovincialism.

MILLENNIUM,n.Theperiodof a thousandyearswhen the lid is tobescreweddown,withallreformersontheunderside.

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chiefactivityconsistsintheendeavortoascertainitsownnature,thefutilityoftheattemptbeingduetothefactthatithasnothingbutitselftoknowitselfwith.From the Latin mens, a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, who,observing that his learned competitor over theway had displayed themotto"Mens conscia recti," emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's,women'sandchildren'sconsciarecti."

MINE,adj.BelongingtomeifIcanholdorseizeit.

MINISTER,n.Anagentofahigherpowerwithalowerresponsibility.Indiplomacyanofficersentintoaforeigncountryasthevisibleembodimentofhis sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausibleinveracitynextbelowthatofanambassador.

MINOR,adj.Lessobjectionable.

MINSTREL,adj.Formerlyapoet,singerormusician;nowaniggerwithacolorlessthanskindeepandahumormorethanfleshandbloodcanbear.

MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature andunaccountable, asbeatinganormalhandof fourkingsandanacewith fouracesandaking.

MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth.Etymologically,thewordmeansunbeliever,anditspresentsignificationmaybe regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of ourlanguage.

MISDEMEANOR,n.An infractionof the lawhaving lessdignity thanafelonyandconstitutingnoclaimtoadmittanceintothebestcriminalsociety.

MISERICORDE,n.Adaggerwhichinmediaevalwarfarewasusedbythefootsoldiertoremindanunhorsedknightthathewasmortal.

MISFORTUNE,n.Thekindoffortunethatnevermisses.

MISS,n.Thetitlewithwhichwebrandunmarriedwomentoindicatethattheyareinthemarket.Miss,Missis(Mrs.)andMister(Mr.)arethethreemostdistinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two arecorruptionsofMistress,theotherofMaster.Inthegeneralabolitionofsocialtitles in thisourcountry theymiraculouslyescaped toplagueus. Ifwemusthavethemletusbeconsistentandgiveonetotheunmarriedman.IventuretosuggestMush,abbreviatedtoMh.

MOLECULE,n.Theultimate,indivisibleunitofmatter.Itisdistinguishedfrom the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit ofmatter, by a closerresemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit ofmatter. Threegreatscientifictheoriesofthestructureoftheuniversearethemolecular,thecorpuscularandtheatomic.Afourthaffirms,withHaeckel,thecondensationof precipitation of matter from ether—whose existence is proved by thecondensationofprecipitation.Thepresenttrendofscientificthoughtistowardthe theoryof ions.The iondiffers from themolecule, the corpuscle and theatomin that it isan ion.Afifth theory isheldby idiots,but it isdoubtful iftheyknowanymoreaboutthematterthantheothers.

MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See Molecule.)According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, themonad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation—Leibnitzknowshimby the innatepowerof considering.Hehas foundeduponhimatheory of the universe,which the creature bearswithout resentment, for themonadisagentleman.Smallasheis,themonadcontainsallthepowersandpossibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the firstclass—altogetheraverycapablelittlefellow.Heisnottobeconfoundedwiththemicrobe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a goodmicroscopeshowshimtobeofanentirelydistinctspecies.

MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarchruled, as the derivation of theword attests, and asmany subjects have hadoccasiontolearn.InRussiaandtheOrientthemonarchhasstillaconsiderableinfluence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but inwesternEuropepoliticaladministrationismostlyentrustedtohisministers,hebeingsomewhatpreoccupiedwithreflectionsrelatingtothestatusofhisownhead.

MONARCHICALGOVERNMENT,n.Government.

MONDAY,n.InChristiancountries,thedayafterthebaseballgame.

MONEY,n.Ablessing that isofnoadvantage tous exceptingwhenwepart with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society.Supportableproperty.

MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home ingenealogicaltrees.

MONOSYLLABIC,adj.Composedofwordsofone syllable, for literarybabes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound byappropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon—that is to say,words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but themostelementarysentimentsandemotions.

MONSIGNOR,n.Ahighecclesiasticaltitle,ofwhichtheFounderofourreligionoverlookedtheadvantages.

MONUMENT,n.Astructureintendedtocommemoratesomethingwhicheitherneedsnocommemorationorcannotbecommemorated.

ThebonesofAgammemnonareashow,

Andruinedishisroyalmonument,

but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. Themonument custom has its reductiones ad absurdum in monuments "to theunknowndead"—thatistosay,monumentstoperpetuatethememoryofthosewhohaveleftnomemory.

MORAL,adj.Conformingtoalocalandmutablestandardofright.

Havingthequalityofgeneralexpediency.

MORE,adj.Thecomparativedegreeoftoomuch.

MOUSE,n.Ananimalwhichstrewsitspathwithfaintingwomen.AsinRomeChristianswerethrowntothelions,socenturiesearlierinOtumwee,themostancientandfamouscityoftheworld,femalehereticswerethrowntothemice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have

descendedtous,saysthatthesemartyrsmettheirdeathwithlittledignityandmuchexertion.Heevenattemptstoexculpatethemice(suchisthemaliceofbigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some fromexhaustion,someofbrokennecksfromfallingovertheirownfeet,andsomefrom lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of thechasewith composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths lying,"we canhardlyexpectasmallerproportionof thatrhetoricalfigure in theannalsofapeoplecapableofsoincrediblecrueltytolovelywomen;forahardhearthasafalsetongue.

MOUSQUETAIRE,n.A longglovecoveringapartof thearm.Worn inNewJersey.But"mousquetaire"isamightpoorwaytospellmuskeeter.

MOUTH,n.Inman,thegatewaytothesoul; inwoman,theoutletoftheheart.

MUGWUMP,n.Inpoliticsoneafflictedwithself-respectandaddictedtotheviceofindependence.Atermofcontempt.

MULATTO,n.Achildoftworaces,ashamedofboth.

MULTITUDE,n.Acrowd;thesourceofpoliticalwisdomandvirtue.Inarepublic,theobjectofthestatesman'sadoration."Inamultitudeofcounsellorsthereiswisdom,"saiththeproverb.Ifmanymenofequalindividualwisdomare wiser than any one of them, it must be that they acquire the excess ofwisdombythemereactofgettingtogether.Whencecomesit?Obviouslyfromnowhere—as well say that a range of mountains is higher than the singlemountainscomposingit.Amultitudeisaswiseasitswisestmemberifitobeyhim;ifnot,itisnowiserthanitsmostfoolish.

MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use amongmoderncivilizednationsasmedicine,andnowengagedinsupplyingartwithanexcellent pigment.He is handy, too, inmuseums ingratifying thevulgarcuriositythatservestodistinguishmanfromtheloweranimals.

MUSTANG,n.Anindocilehorseofthewesternplains.InEnglishsociety,theAmericanwifeofanEnglishnobleman.

MYRMIDON,n.AfollowerofAchilles—particularlywhenhedidn'tlead.

MYTHOLOGY,n.Thebodyofaprimitivepeople'sbeliefsconcerningitsorigin,earlyhistory,heroes,deitiesandsoforth,asdistinguishedfromthetrueaccountswhichitinventslater.

N

NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. Thesecretofitspreparationislost,butthemodernKentuckiansbelievethattheycomeprettyneartoaknowledgeofitschiefingredient.

NEGRO, n. The piece de resistance in the American political problem.Representinghimbythelettern,theRepublicansbegintobuildtheirequationthus:"Letn=thewhiteman."This,however,appearstogiveanunsatisfactorysolution.

NEIGHBOR,n.Onewhomwearecommandedtoloveasourselves,andwhodoesallheknowshowtomakeusdisobedient.

NEPOTISM,n.Appointingyourgrandmothertoofficeforthegoodoftheparty.

NEWTONIAN,adj.PertainingtoaphilosophyoftheuniverseinventedbyNewton,whodiscoveredthatanapplewillfalltotheground,butwasunabletosaywhy.Hissuccessorsanddiscipleshaveadvancedsofarastobeabletosaywhen.

NIHILIST,n.ARussianwhodeniestheexistenceofanythingbutTolstoi.TheleaderoftheschoolisTolstoi.

NIRVANA,n.IntheBuddhistreligion,astateofpleasurableannihilationawardedtothewise,particularlytothosewiseenoughtounderstandit.

NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American mindsambitioustoincursocialdistinctionandsufferhighlife.

NOISE,n.Astench in theear.Undomesticatedmusic.Thechiefproductandauthenticatingsignofcivilization.

NOMINATE,v.Todesignatefortheheaviestpoliticalassessment.Toputforward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of theopposition.

NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction ofprivatelifeanddiligentlyseekingthehonorableobscurityofpublicoffice.

NON-COMBATANT,n.AdeadQuaker.

NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellentdictionary.

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance thatgreatconquerorshavegreatnoses,Getius,whosewritingsantedatetheageofhumor,callsthenosetheorganofquell.Ithasbeenobservedthatone'snoseisnever so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, fromwhich somephysiologistshavedrawntheinferencethatthenoseisdevoidofthesenseofsmell.

NOTORIETY,n.Thefameofone'scompetitorforpublichonors.Thekindof renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladderleadingtothevaudevillestage,withangelsascendinganddescending.

NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that whichmerelyseemstoexist,thelatterbeingaphenomenon.Thenoumenonisabitdifficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of reasoning—which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and exposition ofnoumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the endless variety andexcitementofphilosophicthought."Hurrah(therefore)forthenoumenon!

NOVEL, n. A short story padded.A species of composition bearing thesamerelationtoliteraturethatthepanoramabearstoart.Asitistoolongtobereadatasittingtheimpressionsmadebyitssuccessivepartsaresuccessivelyeffaced,asinthepanorama.Unity,totalityofeffect,isimpossible;forbesidesthefewpageslastreadallthatiscarriedinmindisthemereplotofwhathasgonebefore.Totheromancethenoveliswhatphotographyistopainting.Itsdistinguishingprinciple,probability,correspondstotheliteralactualityofthephotograph andputs it distinctly into the categoryof reporting;whereas thefree wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes ofimaginationashemaybefitted toattain;andthefirst threeessentialsof theliterary art are imagination, imagination and imagination.The art ofwritingnovels,suchasitwas, is longdeadeverywhereexcept inRussia,whereit isnew.Peacetoitsashes—someofwhichhavealargesale.

NOVEMBER,n.Theeleventhtwelfthofaweariness.

O

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to theDeity,made binding upon theconsciencebyapenaltyforperjury.

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease fromstruggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Coldstorage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their workswithout pride and their betterswithout envy.A dormitorywithout an alarmclock.

OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away theguessesoftheirpredecessors.

OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine andothercritics.Obsessionwasoncemorecommonthanitisnow.Arasthustellsofapeasantwhowasoccupiedbyadifferentdevilforeverydayintheweek,

and on Sundays by two. Theywere frequently seen, alwayswalking in hisshadow,whenhehadone,butwerefinallydrivenawaybythevillagenotary,aholyman;but they took thepeasantwith them, forhevanishedutterly.Adevil thrownout of awomanby theArchbishopofRheims ran through thetrees, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached,wherebyaleaphigherthanachurchspireheescapedintoabird.Achaplainin Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing thesoldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The soldier,unfortunately,didnot.

OBSOLETE,adj.No longerusedby the timid.Saidchieflyofwords.Aword which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter anobjectofdreadandloathingtothefoolwriter,butifitisagoodwordandhasno exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the goodwriter.Indeed,awriter'sattitudetoward"obsolete"wordsisastrueameasureofhisliteraryabilityasanythingexceptthecharacterofhiswork.Adictionaryofobsoleteandobsolescentwordswouldnotonlybesingularlyrichinstrongandsweetpartsofspeech;itwouldaddlargepossessionstothevocabularyofeverycompetentwriterwhomightnothappentobeacompetentreader.

OBSTINATE,adj.Inaccessibletothetruthasitismanifestinthesplendorandstressofouradvocacy.

Thepopulartypeandexponentofobstinacyisthemule,amostintelligentanimal.

OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That,however,isnotthesenseinwhichthewordisusedinthephrase"occasionalverses,"whichareverseswrittenforan"occasion,"suchasananniversary,acelebrationorotherevent.True,theyafflictusalittleworsethanothersortsofverse,buttheirnamehasnoreferencetoirregularrecurrence.

OCCIDENT,n.Thepartoftheworldlyingwest(oreast)oftheOrient.Itis largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites,whoseprincipalindustriesaremurderandcheating,whichtheyarepleasedtocall "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of theOrient.

OCEAN,n.Abodyofwateroccupyingabouttwo-thirdsofaworldmadeforman—whohasnogills.

OFFENSIVE,adj.Generatingdisagreeableemotionsorsensations,astheadvanceofanarmyagainstitsenemy.

"Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!"replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguardwouldn't come out of hisworks!"

OLD,adj.Inthatstageofusefulnesswhichisnotinconsistentwithgeneralinefficiency,asanoldman.Discreditedbylapseoftimeandoffensivetothepopulartaste,asanoldbook.

OLEAGINOUS,adj.Oily,smooth,sleek.

Disraeli once described themanner ofBishopWilberforce as "unctuous,oleaginous,saponaceous."AndthegoodprelatewaseverafterwardknownasSoapySam.For everyman there is something in thevocabulary thatwouldsticktohimlikeasecondskin.Hisenemieshaveonlytofindit.

OLYMPIAN, adj.Relating to amountain inThessaly, once inhabitedbygods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles andmutilatedsardinecans,attestingthepresenceofthetouristandhisappetite.

OMEN,n.Asignthatsomethingwillhappenifnothinghappens.

ONCE,adv.Enough.

OPERA, n.A play representing life in anotherworld,whose inhabitantshave no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures butattitudes.Allacting issimulation,and thewordsimulation is fromsimia,anape; but in opera the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (orPithecanthroposstentor)—theapethathowls.

Theactorapesaman—atleastinshape;

Theoperaperformerapesanape.

OPIATE,n.AnunlockeddoorintheprisonofIdentity.Itleadsintothejailyard.

OPPORTUNITY,n.Afavorableoccasionforgraspingadisappointment.

OPPOSE,v.Toassistwithobstructionsandobjections.

OPPOSITION,n.InpoliticsthepartythatpreventstheGovernmentfromrunningamuckbyhamstringingit.

The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science ofgovernment, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects asmembers of aparliamenttomakelawsforthecollectionofrevenue.FortyofthesehenamedthePartyofOppositionandhadhisPrimeMinistercarefullyinstructthemintheir duty of opposing every royalmeasure. Nevertheless, the first one thatwas submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it,informingtheOpposition that if theydid thatagain theywouldpayfor theirobstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweledthemselves.

"Whatshallwedonow?" theKingasked."Liberal institutionscannotbe

maintainedwithoutapartyofOpposition."

"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true thesedogsofdarknesshavenolongertheircredentials,butallisnotlost.Leavethemattertothiswormofthedust."

SotheMinisterhadthebodiesofhisMajesty'sOppositionembalmedandstuffedwith straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Fortyvoteswererecordedagainsteverybillandthenationprospered.Butonedayabill imposinga taxonwartswasdefeated—themembersof theGovernmentparty had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that thePrimeMinisterwasputtodeath,theparliamentwasdissolvedwithabatteryof artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the peopleperishedfromGhargaroo.

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful,includingwhat is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everythingrightthatiswrong.Itisheldwithgreatesttenacitybythosemostaccustomedto themischanceoffalling intoadversity,andismostacceptablyexpoundedwiththegrinthatapesasmile.Beingablindfaith,itisinaccessibletothelightofdisproof—anintellectualdisorder,yieldingtonotreatmentbutdeath.It ishereditary,butfortunatelynotcontagious.

OPTIMIST,n.Aproponentofthedoctrinethatblackiswhite.

ApessimistappliedtoGodforrelief.

"Ah,youwishmetorestoreyourhopeandcheerfulness,"saidGod.

"No," replied the petitioner, "Iwish you to create something thatwouldjustifythem."

"Theworldisallcreated,"saidGod,"butyouhaveoverlookedsomething—themortalityoftheoptimist."

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat theunderstanding.Atyrannytemperedbystenography.

ORPHAN,n.A livingpersonwhomdeathhas deprivedof thepoweroffilialingratitude—aprivationappealingwithaparticulareloquencetoallthatissympatheticinhumannature.Whenyoungtheorphaniscommonlysenttoanasylum,wherebycarefulcultivationofitsrudimentarysenseoflocalityitistaughttoknowitsplace.Itistheninstructedintheartsofdependenceandservitudeandeventuallyturnedloosetopreyupontheworldasabootblackorscullerymaid.

ORTHODOX,n.Anoxwearingthepopularreligiousyoke.

ORTHOGRAPHY,n.Thescienceofspellingbytheeyeinsteadoftheear.

Advocatedwithmoreheatthanlightbytheoutmatesofeveryasylumfortheinsane.TheyhavehadtoconcedeafewthingssincethetimeofChaucer,butarenonethelesshotindefenceofthosetobeconcededhereafter.

Aspellingreformerindicted

Forfudgewasbeforethecourtcicted.

Thejudgesaid:"Enough—

Hiscandlewe'llsnough,

Andhissepulchreshallnotbewhicted."

OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature hasdenied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen aconspicuousevidenceofdesign.Theabsenceofagoodworkingpairofwingsisnodefect,for,ashasbeeningeniouslypointedout,theostrichdoesnotfly.

OTHERWISE,adv.Nobetter.

OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind ofintelligencethatseesinanexceptionaproofoftherulethewisdomofanactisjudgedbytheoutcome,theresult.Thisisimmortalnonsense;thewisdomofanactistobejudedbythelightthatthedoerhadwhenheperformedit.

OUTDO,v.t.Tomakeanenemy.

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which nogovernmenthasbeenabletocollecttaxes.Chieflyusefultoinspirepoets.

OVATION,n.InancientRome,adefinite,formalpageantinhonorofonewhohadbeendisserviceabletotheenemiesofthenation.Alesser"triumph."In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose andspontaneousexpressionofpopularhomagetotheheroofthehourandplace.

OVEREAT,v.Todine.

OVERWORK,n.Adangerousdisorderaffectinghighpublicfunctionarieswhowanttogofishing.

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. Theword formerly signified notindebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtorsthereisstillagooddealofconfusionbetweenassetsandliabilities.

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men thehardihoodtoeatwithoutremovingitsentrails!Theshellsaresometimesgiventothepoor.

P

PAIN,n.Anuncomfortableframeofmindthatmayhaveaphysicalbasisinsomethingthatisbeingdonetothebody,ormaybepurelymental,causedbythegoodfortuneofanother.

PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather andexposingthemtothecritic.

Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: theancientspaintedtheirstatues.Theonlypresentalliancebetweenthetwoartsisthatthemodernpainterchiselshispatrons.

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a greatofficial.TheresidenceofahighdignitaryoftheChristianChurchiscalledapalace; thatof theFounderofhisreligionwasknownasafield,orwayside.Thereisprogress.

PALM,n.Aspeciesoftreehavingseveralvarieties,ofwhichthefamiliar"itching palm" (Palma hominis) is most widely distributed and sedulouslycultivated.Thisnoblevegetableexudesakindofinvisiblegum,whichmaybedetected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal willadherewithremarkabletenacity.Thefruitoftheitchingpalmissobitterandunsatisfying thataconsiderablepercentageof it is sometimesgivenaway inwhatareknownas"benefactions."

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw'sclassification) of obtainingmoneyby false pretences. It consists in "readingcharacter" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is notaltogether false;charactercan reallybe readveryaccurately in thisway, forthe wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." Theimpostureconsistsinnotreadingitaloud.

PANDEMONIUM,n.Literally,thePlaceofAlltheDemons.Mostofthemhaveescapedintopoliticsandfinance,andtheplaceisnowusedasalecturehallbytheAudibleReformer.Whendisturbedbyhisvoicetheancientechoesclamorappropriateresponsesmostgratifyingtohisprideofdistinction.

PANTALOONS, n.A nether habiliment of the adult civilizedmale. Thegarment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by theenlightenedand"pants"bytheunworthy.

PANTHEISM,n.ThedoctrinethateverythingisGod,incontradistinctiontothedoctrinethatGodiseverything.

PANTOMIME,n.Aplayinwhichthestoryistoldwithoutviolencetothe

language.Theleastdisagreeableformofdramaticaction.

PARDON,v.Toremitapenaltyandrestoretothelifeofcrime.Toaddtothelureofcrimethetemptationofingratitude.

PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen goingabroad,exposinghimasanalienandpointinghimoutforspecialreprobationandoutrage.

PAST,n.ThatpartofEternitywithsomesmallfractionofwhichwehaveaslightand regrettableacquaintance.Amoving linecalled thePresentparts itfromanimaginaryperiodknownastheFuture.ThesetwogranddivisionsofEternity,ofwhichtheoneiscontinuallyeffacingtheother,areentirelyunlike.The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright withprosperityand joy.ThePast is theregionofsobs, theFuture is therealmofsong. In the one crouchesMemory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumblingpenitential prayer; in the sunshine of the otherHope flieswith a freewing,beckoningtotemplesofsuccessandbowersofease.YetthePastistheFutureof yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—theknowledgeandthedream.

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise forintellectualdebility.

PATIENCE,n.Aminorformofdespair,disguisedasavirtue.

PATRIOT,n.Onetowhomtheinterestsofapartseemsuperiortothoseofthewhole.Thedupeofstatesmenandthetoolofconquerors.

PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any oneambitioustoilluminatehisname.

InDr.Johnson'sfamousdictionarypatriotismisdefinedas the last resortof a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferiorlexicographerIbegtosubmitthatitisthefirst.

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between twoperiodsoffighting.

PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for anautomobile.

PEDIGREE,n.Theknownpartoftheroutefromanarborealancestorwithaswimbladdertoanurbandescendantwithacigarette.

PENITENT,adj.Undergoingorawaitingpunishment.

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from theactualbyanelementknownasexcellence;anattributeofthecritic.

TheeditorofanEnglishmagazinehavingreceivedaletterpointingouttheerroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptlywrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it toMatthewArnold.

PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy ofAristotle,who,while expounding it,moved from place to place in order toavoidhispupil'sobjections.Aneedlessprecaution—theyknewnomoreofthematterthanhe.

PERORATION,n.Theexplosionofanoratoricalrocket.Itdazzles,buttoanobserverhavingthewrongkindofnoseitsmostconspicuouspeculiarityisthesmelloftheseveralkindsofpowderusedinpreparingit.

PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves aninglorioussuccess.

PESSIMISM,n.Aphilosophyforcedupontheconvictionsoftheobserverby thedishearteningprevalenceof theoptimistwithhis scarecrowhopeandhisunsightlysmile.

PHILANTHROPIST,n.Arich(andusuallybald)oldgentlemanwhohastrainedhimselftogrinwhilehisconscienceispickinghispocket.

PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment,following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimeslearned,frequentlyprosperous,commonlycleanandalwayssolemn.

PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere tonothing.

PHOENIX,n.Theclassicalprototypeofthemodern"smallhotbird."

PHONOGRAPH,n.Anirritatingtoythatrestoreslifetodeadnoises.

PHOTOGRAPH,n.Apicturepaintedbythesunwithoutinstructioninart.ItisalittlebetterthantheworkofanApache,butnotquitesogoodasthatofaCheyenne.

PHRENOLOGY,n.Thescienceofpickingthepocketthroughthescalp.Itconsistsinlocatingandexploitingtheorganthatoneisadupewith.

PHYSICIAN,n.Oneuponwhomwesetourhopeswhenillandourdogswhenwell.

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another bytheresemblancesanddifferencesbetweenhisfaceandourown,whichisthestandardofexcellence.

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is

operatedbydepressingthekeysofthemachineandthespiritsoftheaudience.

PICKANINNY, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or Americanusdominans.Itissmall,blackandchargedwithpoliticalfatalities.

PICTURE,n.Arepresentationintwodimensionsofsomethingwearisomeinthree.

PIE,n.AnadvanceagentofthereaperwhosenameisIndigestion.

PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposedresemblancetoman.

PIG,n.Ananimal(Porcusomnivorus)closelyalliedtothehumanracebythesplendorandvivacityofitsappetite,which,however,isinferiorinscope,foritsticksatpig.

PIGMY,n.Oneofatribeofverysmallmenfoundbyancienttravelersinmanypartsof theworld,butbymoderninCentralAfricaonly.ThePigmiesare so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians —who areHogmies.

PILGRIM,n.Atravelerthatistakenseriously.APilgrimFatherwasonewho,leavingEuropein1620becausenotpermittedtosingpsalmsthroughhisnose, followed it toMassachusetts,wherehecouldpersonateGodaccordingtothedictatesofhisconscience.

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction—prototype of themodern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtuesandblamelesslives.

PIRACY,n.Commercewithoutitsfolly-swaddles,justasGodmadeit.

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginaryencounterwithoneself.

PITY,n.Afailingsenseofexemption,inspiredbycontrast.

PLAGIARISM, n.A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditablepriorityandanhonorablesubsequence.

PLAGIARIZE,v.Totakethethoughtorstyleofanotherwriterwhomonehasnever,neverread.

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent foradmonitionof theirruler,as in thefamiliar instanceofPharaohtheImmune.Theplagueasweofto-dayhavethehappinesstoknowitismerelyNature'sfortuitousmanifestationofherpurposelessobjectionableness.

PLAN,v.t.Tobotheraboutthebestmethodofaccomplishinganaccidentalresult.

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popularliterature.Athoughtthatsnoresinwordsthatsmoke.Thewisdomofamillionfoolsinthedictionofadullard.Afossilsentimentinartificialrock.Amoralwithoutthefable.Allthatismortalofadepartedtruth.Ademi-tasseofmilk-and-mortality.ThePope's-noseofafeatherlesspeacock.Ajelly-fishwitheringontheshoreoftheseaofthought.Thecacklesurvivingtheegg.Adesiccatedepigram.

PLATONIC,adj.PertainingtothephilosophyofSocrates.PlatonicLoveisafool'snamefortheaffectionbetweenadisabilityandafrost.

PLAUDITS,n.Coinswithwhichthepopulacepaysthosewhotickleanddevourit.

PLEASE,v.Tolaythefoundationforasuperstructureofimposition.

PLEASURE,n.Theleasthatefulformofdejection.

PLEBEIAN,n.AnancientRomanwhointhebloodofhiscountrystainednothingbuthishands.DistinguishedfromthePatrician,whowasasaturatedsolution.

PLEBISCITE,n.Apopularvotetoascertainthewillofthesovereign.

PLENIPOTENTIARY,adj.Havingfullpower.AMinisterPlenipotentiaryisadiplomatistpossessingabsoluteauthorityonconditionthatheneverexertit.

PLEONASM,n.Anarmyofwordsescortingacorporalofthought.

PLOW,n.Animplementthatcriesaloudforhandsaccustomedtothepen.

PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing thedecentandcustomaryreticencesoftheft.Toeffectachangeofownershipwiththecandidconcomitanceofabrassband.TowrestthewealthofAfromBandleaveClamentingavanishedopportunity.

POCKET,n.Thecradleofmotiveandthegraveofconscience.Inwomanthisorganis lacking;sosheactswithoutmotive,andherconscience,deniedburial,remainseveralive,confessingthesinsofothers.

POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond theMagazines.

POKER,n.Agamesaidtobeplayedwithcardsforsomepurposetothislexicographerunknown.

POLICE,n.Anarmedforceforprotectionandparticipation.

POLITENESS,n.Themostacceptablehypocrisy.

POLITICS,n.Astrifeofinterestsmasqueradingasacontestofprinciples.Theconductofpublicaffairsforprivateadvantage.

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which thesuperstructureoforganized society is reared.Whenhewriggleshemistakestheagitationofhistailforthetremblingoftheedifice.Ascomparedwiththestatesman,hesuffersthedisadvantageofbeingalive.

POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted withseveralstoolsofrepentance,asdistinguishedfrommonogamy,whichhasbutone.

POPULIST,n.Afossilpatriotoftheearlyagriculturalperiod,foundintheold redsoapstoneunderlyingKansas;characterizedbyanuncommonspreadofear,whichsomenaturalistscontendgavehim thepowerof flight, thoughProfessorsMorse andWhitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, haveingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have goneelsewhere.Inthepicturesquespeechofhisperiod,somefragmentsofwhichhavecomedowntous,hewasknownas"TheMatterwithKansas."

PORTABLE,adj.Exposedtoamutableownershipthroughvicissitudesofpossession.

PORTUGUESE,n.pl.AspeciesofgeeseindigenoustoPortugal.Theyaremostlywithoutfeathersandimperfectlyedible,evenwhenstuffedwithgarlic.

POSITIVE,adj.Mistakenatthetopofone'svoice.

POSITIVISM,n.AphilosophythatdeniesourknowledgeoftheRealandaffirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, itsbroadestMillanditsthickestSpencer.

POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of apopularauthor'scontemporaries,theappellantbeinghisobscurecompetitor.

POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking.Water is said to be potable; indeed,somedeclareitournaturalbeverage,althougheventheyfinditpalatableonlywhensuffering from the recurrentdisorderknownas thirst, forwhich it isamedicine.Uponnothinghas sogreat anddiligent ingenuitybeenbrought tobearinallagesandinallcountries,exceptthemostuncivilized,asupontheinvention of substitutes forwater. To hold that this general aversion to thatliquidhasnobasisinthepreservativeinstinctoftheraceistobeunscientific—andwithoutscienceweareasthesnakesandtoads.

POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. Thenumberofplansforitsabolitionequalsthatofthereformerswhosufferfromit, plus that of the philosopherswho know nothing about it. Its victims aredistinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders

seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to beunknown.

PRAY,v.Toask that the lawsof theuniversebeannulled inbehalfof asinglepetitionerconfessedlyunworthy.

PRE-ADAMITE,n.Oneofanexperimentalandapparentlyunsatisfactoryrace of antedatedCreation and lived under conditions not easily conceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have beensomething intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its known of thembeyond the fact that they suppliedCainwith awife and theologianswith acontroversy.

PRECEDENT, n. InLaw, a previous decision, rule or practicewhich, intheabsenceofadefinitestatute,haswhateverforceandauthorityaJudgemaychoosetogiveit,therebygreatlysimplifyinghistaskofdoingashepleases.Asthereareprecedentsforeverything,hehasonlytoignorethosethatmakeagainsthisinterestandaccentuatethoseinthelineofhisdesire.Inventionoftheprecedentelevatesthetrial-at-lawfromthelowestateofafortuitousordealtothenobleattitudeofadirigiblearbitrament.

PRECIPITATE,adj.Anteprandial.

PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according toprogramme.Thisdoctrineshouldnotbeconfusedwiththatofforeordination,which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm theiroccurrence,thatbeingonlyanimplicationfromotherdoctrinesbywhichthisisentailed.ThedifferenceisgreatenoughtohavedelugedChristendomwithink,tosaynothingofthegore.Withthedistinctionofthetwodoctrineskeptwellinmind,andareverentbeliefinboth,onemayhopetoescapeperditionifspared.

PREDICAMENT,n.Thewageofconsistency.

PREDILECTION,n.Thepreparatorystageofdisillusion.

PRE-EXISTENCE,n.Anunnotedfactorincreation.

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by theerroneousbeliefthatonethingisbetterthananother.

An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no betterthandeath,wasaskedbyadisciplewhy, then,hedidnotdie."Because,"hereplied,"deathisnobetterthanlife."

Itislonger.

PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum.Antedatingtheartandpracticeofperpetuatingfalsehood.

PREJUDICE,n.Avagrantopinionwithoutvisiblemeansofsupport.

PRELATE,n.Achurchofficerhavingasuperiordegreeofholinessandafatpreferment.OneofHeaven'saristocracy.AgentlemanofGod.

PREROGATIVE,n.Asovereign'srighttodowrong.

PRESBYTERIAN,n.Onewhoholds theconviction that thegovernmentauthoritiesoftheChurchshouldbecalledpresbyters.

PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong thesituationwithleastharmtothepatient.

PRESENT,n.Thatpartofeternitydividingthedomainofdisappointmentfromtherealmofhope.

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after themanner of the timeandplace.

InBoorioboola-Ghaamanispresentableonoccasionsofceremonyifhehavehisabdomenpaintedabrightblueandwearacow'stail;inNewYorkhemay, if itpleasehim,omit thepaint,butaftersunsethemustwear two tailsmadeofthewoolofasheepanddyedblack.

PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirableresult.InJournalese,toperformuponamusicalinstrument;as,"Hepresidedatthepiccolo."

PRESIDENCY,n.ThegreasedpiginthefieldgameofAmericanpolitics.

PRESIDENT,n.The leading figure in a smallgroupofmenofwhom—and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of theircountrymendidnotwantanyofthemforPresident.

PREVARICATOR,n.Aliarinthecaterpillarstate.

PRICE,n.Value,plusareasonablesumforthewearandtearofconscienceindemandingit.

PRIMATE,n.Theheadofachurch,especiallyaStatechurchsupportedbyinvoluntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop ofCanterbury, an amiable old gentleman,who occupies Lambeth PalacewhenlivingandWestminsterAbbeywhendead.Heiscommonlydead.

PRISON,n.Aplaceofpunishmentsandrewards.Thepoetassuresusthat—

"Stonewallsdonotaprisonmake,"

but a combination of the stonewall, the political parasite and themoralinstructorisnogardenofsweets.

PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in hisknapsackandanimpedimentinhishope.

PROBOSCIS,n.Therudimentaryorganofanelephantwhichserveshimin place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. Forpurposesofhumoritispopularlycalledatrunk.

Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, theillustriousJo.Millercastareproachfullookuponhistormentor,andanswered,absently:"Whenitisajar,"andthrewhimselffromahighpromontoryintothesea.Thusperishedinhispridethemostfamoushumoristofantiquity,leavingtomankindaheritageofwoe!Nosuccessorworthyofthetitlehasappeared,thoughMr.EdwardBok,ofTheLadies'HomeJournal,ismuchrespectedforthepurityandsweetnessofhispersonalcharacter.

PROJECTILE,n.Thefinalarbiterininternationaldisputes.Formerlythesedisputesweresettledbyphysicalcontactof thedisputants,withsuchsimpleargumentsastherudimentarylogicofthetimescouldsupply—thesword,thespear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs theprojectilecamemoreandmoreintofavor,andisnowheldinhighesteembythemostcourageous.Itscapitaldefectisthatitrequirespersonalattendanceatthepointofpropulsion.

PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than ofunlikelihood.The testimonyof twocrediblewitnesses as opposed to that ofonlyone.

PROOF-READER, n.Amalefactorwho atones formaking yourwritingnonsensebypermittingthecompositortomakeitunintelligible.

PROPERTY,n.Anymaterialthing,havingnoparticularvalue,thatmaybeheld by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion forpossession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object ofman's briefrapacityandlongindifference.

PROPHECY,n.Theartandpracticeofsellingone'scredibilityforfuturedelivery.

PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usuallyforbidden.

PROVIDENTIAL,adj.Unexpectedlyandconspicuouslybeneficial to thepersonsodescribingit.

PRUDE,n.Abawdhidingbehindthebackofherdemeanor.

PUBLISH,n. In literaryaffairs, tobecome the fundamental element inaconeofcritics.

PUSH,n.Oneofthetwothingsmainlyconducivetosuccess,especiallyinpolitics.TheotherisPull.

PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. Itconsisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Itsmodernprofessorshaveaddedthat.

Q

QUEEN,n.Awomanbywhom the realm is ruledwhen there is aking,andthroughwhomitisruledwhenthereisnot.

QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonlywielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modernequivalent,thesteelpen,iswieldedbythesameeverlastingPresence.

QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and theaboriginallawyercarriedtheirlighterarguments.

QUIXOTIC,adj.Absurdlychivalric,likeDonQuixote.Aninsightintothebeauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied tohimwhohasthemisfortunetoknowthatthegentleman'snameispronouncedKe-ho-tay.

QUORUM,n.Asufficientnumberofmembersof adeliberativebody tohave their own way and their own way of having it. In the United StatesSenateaquorumconsistsofthechairmanoftheCommitteeonFinanceandamessenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of theSpeakerandthedevil.

QUOTATION, n.The act of repeating erroneously thewords of another.Thewordserroneouslyrepeated.

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of moneybelongingtoonepersoniscontainedinthepocketofanother—usuallyaboutasmanytimesasitcanbegotthere.

R

RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authoritytempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, ofArabian fable—omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is

Aristocratese,andhasnoexactequivalentinourtongue,butmeans,asnearlyasmaybe,"soaringswine.")

RACK,n.Anargumentativeimplementformerlymuchusedinpersuadingdevotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to theunconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held inlightpopularesteem.

RANK,n.Relativeelevationinthescaleofhumanworth.

RANSOM,n.Thepurchaseofthatwhichneitherbelongstotheseller,norcanbelongtothebuyer.Themostunprofitableofinvestments.

RAPACITY,n.Providencewithoutindustry.Thethriftofpower.

RAREBIT,n.AWelsh rabbit, in the speechof thehumorless,whopointout that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that thecomestibleknownastoad-in-a-holeisreallynotatoad,andthatriz-de-veaualafinanciereisnotthesmileofacalfpreparedaftertherecipeofashebanker.

RASCAL,n.Afoolconsideredunderanotheraspect.

RASCALITY,n.Stupiditymilitant.Theactivityofacloudedintellect.

RASH,adj.Insensibletothevalueofouradvice.

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,experienceandreflection.

RATTLESNAKE,n.Ourprostratebrother,Homoventrambulans.

RAZOR,n.AninstrumentusedbytheCaucasiantoenhancehisbeauty,bytheMongoliantomakeaguyofhimself,andbytheAfro-Americantoaffirmhisworth.

REACH,n.Theradiusofactionofthehumanhand.Theareawithinwhichitispossible(andcustomary)togratifydirectlythepropensitytoprovide.

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country itconsists, asa rule,of Indiananovels, short stories in "dialect"andhumor inslang.

RADICALISM,n.Theconservatismofto-morrowinjectedintotheaffairsofto-day.

RADIUM,n.Amineralthatgivesoffheatandstimulatestheorganthatascientistisafoolwith.

RAILROAD,n.Thechiefofmanymechanicaldevicesenablingustogetawayfromwhereweare towherewearenobetteroff.For thispurpose therailroadisheldinhighestfavorbytheoptimist,foritpermitshimtomakethe

transitwithgreatexpedition.

RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,otherwiseknownastheNormalAmerican.MostofthepublicbuildingsoftheUnited States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlierarchitects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House inWashington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of theDorians. They areexceedinglyfineandcostonehundreddollarsabrick.

REALISM,n.Theartofdepictingnatureasitisseenbytoads.Thecharmsuffusinga landscapepaintedbyamole, or a storywrittenbyameasuring-worm.

REALITY,n.Thedreamofamadphilosopher.Thatwhichwouldremaininthecupelifoneshouldassayaphantom.Thenucleusofavacuum.

REALLY,adv.Apparently.

REAR,n.InAmericanmilitarymatters,thatexposedpartofthearmythatisnearesttoCongress.

REASON,v.i.Toweighprobabilitiesinthescalesofdesire.

REASON,n.Propensitateofprejudice.

REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.Hospitabletopersuasion,dissuasionandevasion.

REBEL,n.Aproponentofanewmisrulewhohasfailedtoestablishit.

RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previouslyknown.

RECONCILIATION,n.Asuspensionofhostilities.Anarmedtruceforthepurposeofdiggingupthedead.

RECONSIDER,v.Toseekajustificationforadecisionalreadymade.

RECOUNT,n.InAmericanpolitics,anotherthrowofthedice,accordedtotheplayeragainstwhomtheyareloaded.

RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a generalfatigue.

RECRUIT,n.Apersondistinguishablefromacivilianbyhisuniformandfromasoldierbyhisgait.

RECTOR,n.IntheChurchofEngland,theThirdPersonoftheparochialTrinity,theCurateandtheVicarbeingtheothertwo.

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin,throughtheirmurderof thedeityagainstwhomtheysinned.Thedoctrineof

Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whosobelieveth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try tounderstandit.

REDRESS,n.Reparationwithoutsatisfaction.

Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by thekingwaspermitted,onprovinghisinjury,tobeatabrazenimageoftheroyaloffenderwithaswitchthatwasafterwardappliedtohisownnakedback.Thelatterritewasperformedbythepublichangman,anditassuredmoderationintheplaintiff'schoiceofaswitch.

RED-SKIN,n.ANorthAmericanIndian,whoseskin isnotred—at leastnotontheoutside.

REDUNDANT,adj.Superfluous;needless;detrop.

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to apopularvotetolearnthenonsensusofpublicopinion.

REFLECTION,n.Anactionofthemindwherebyweobtainaclearerviewofourrelationtothethingsofyesterdayandareabletoavoidtheperilsthatweshallnotagainencounter.

REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed toreformation.

REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses andJoshua provided six cities of refuge—Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh,SchekemandHebron—towhichonewhohad taken life inadvertentlycouldflee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedientsupplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy thepleasuresof the chase;whereby the soulof thedeadmanwas appropriatelyhonoredbyobservancesakintothefuneralgamesofearlyGreece.

REFUSAL,n.Denialofsomethingdesired;asanelderlymaiden'shandinmarriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a richcorporation,byanalderman;absolutiontoanimpenitentking,byapriest,andsoforth.Refusalsaregradedinadescendingscaleoffinalitythus:therefusalabsolute,therefusalconditional,therefusaltentativeandtherefusalfeminine.Thelastiscalledbysomecasuiststherefusalassentive.

REGALIA,n.Distinguishinginsignia,jewelsandcostumeofsuchancientandhonorableordersasKnightsofAdam;VisionariesofDetectableBosh;theAncient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; theGoldenPhalanxofPhalangers;theGenteelSocietyofExpurgatedHoodlums;the Mystic Alliances of Gorgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of theYellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of

Insufferable Stuff;Warriors of theLongBow;Guardians of theGreatHornSpoon;theBandofBrutes;theImpenitentOrderofWife-Beaters;theSublimeLegionofFlamboyantConspicuants;Worshipersat theElectroplatedShrine;ShiningInaccessibles;Fee-Faw-FummersoftheInimitableGrip;JannissariesoftheBroad-BlownPeacock;PlumedIncrescenciesoftheMagicTemple;theGrandCabal ofAble-Bodied Sedentarians;AssociatedDeities of theButterTrade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity ofMen SimilarlyWarted;theFlashingAstonishers;LadiesofHorror;CooperativeAssociationfor Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of theHiddenFaith;Knights-ChampionsoftheDomesticDog;theHolyGregarians;theResoluteOptimists;theAncientSodalityofInhospitableHogs;AssociatedSovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; theSociety for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation ofGents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll;UniformedRankofLousyCats;MonarchsofWorthandHunger;SonsoftheSouthStar;PrelatesoftheTub-and-Sword.

RELIGION,n.AdaughterofHopeandFear,explainingtoIgnorancethenatureoftheUnknowable.

"Whatisyourreligionmyson?"inquiredtheArchbishopofRheims.

"Pardon,monseigneur,"repliedRochebriant;"Iamashamedofit."

"Thenwhydoyounotbecomeanatheist?"

"Impossible!Ishouldbeashamedofatheism."

"Inthatcase,monsieur,youshouldjointheProtestants."

RELIQUARY,n.Areceptacleforsuchsacredobjectsaspiecesofthetruecross, short-ribsof the saints, the earsofBalaam's ass, the lungof the cockthat called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly ofmetal,andprovidedwithalocktopreventthecontentsfromcomingoutandperformingmiracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of theAngeloftheAnnunciationonceescapedduringasermoninSaintPeter'sandsotickledthenosesofthecongregationthattheywokeandsneezedwithgreatvehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that asacristanintheCanterburycathedralsurprisedtheheadofSaintDennisinthelibrary.Reprimandedbyitssterncustodian,itexplainedthatitwasseekingabodyofdoctrine.Thisunseemlylevitysoragedthediocesanthattheoffenderwas publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by anotherheadofSaintDennis,broughtfromRome.

RENOWN,n.Adegreeofdistinctionbetweennotorietyandfame—alittlemore supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other.Sometimesitisconferredbyanunfriendlyandinconsideratehand.

REPARATION,n.Satisfactionthatismadeforawronganddeductedfromthesatisfactionfeltincommittingit.

REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with aconstitutionalaversiontoviolence,butastrongdispositiontooffend.Inawarofwords,thetacticsoftheNorthAmericanIndian.

REPENTANCE,n.ThefaithfulattendantandfollowerofPunishment.Itisusually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent withcontinuityofsin.

REPLICA,n.Areproductionofaworkofart,bytheartistthatmadetheoriginal. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made byanotherartist.Whenthetwoaremadewithequalskillthereplicaisthemorevaluable,foritissupposedtobemorebeautifulthanitlooks.

REPORTER,n.Awriterwhoguesseshisway to the truth anddispels itwithatempestofwords.

REPOSE,v.i.Toceasefromtroubling.

REPRESENTATIVE,n.Innationalpolitics,amemberoftheLowerHouseinthisworld,andwithoutdiscerniblehopeofpromotioninthenext.

REPROBATION,n. In theology, the stateofa lucklessmortalprenatallydamned. The doctrine of reprobationwas taught byCalvin,whose joy in itwas somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that althoughsomeareforedoomedtoperdition,othersarepredestinedtosalvation.

REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thinggoverned being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce anoptional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order is the everlessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being trulygoverned,submittedbecausetheyhadto.Thereareasmanykindsofrepublicsas there are graduations between the despotism whence they came and theanarchywhithertheylead.

REQUIEM,n.Amass for the deadwhich theminor poets assure us thewindssingo'erthegravesoftheirfavorites.Sometimes,bywayofprovidingavariedentertainment,theysingadirge.

RESIDENT,adj.Unabletoleave.

RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce anadvantageforagreateradvantage.

RESOLUTE,adj.Obstinateinacoursethatweapprove.

RESPECTABILITY,n.Theoffspringofaliaisonbetweenabaldheadandabankaccount.

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of aninhabitantofLondon,whereby to filter thevisibleuniverse in itspassage tothelungs.

RESPITE, n.A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, toenable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have beendonebytheprosecutingattorney.Anybreakinthecontinuityofadisagreeableexpectation.

RESPLENDENT,adj.LikeasimpleAmericancitizenbedukinghimselfinhis lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as anelementalunitofaparade.

RESPOND,v.i.Tomakeanswer,ordiscloseotherwiseaconsciousnessofhaving inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "externalcoexistences,"asSatan"squatlikeatoad"attheearofEve,respondedtothetouch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to themaintenanceoftheplaintiff'sattorneyand,incidentally,tothegratificationoftheplaintiff.

RESPONSIBILITY,n.AdetachableburdeneasilyshiftedtotheshouldersofGod,Fate,Fortune,Luckorone'sneighbor.Inthedaysofastrologyitwascustomarytounloadituponastar.

RESTITUTION,n.The foundingor endowingof universities andpubliclibrariesbygiftorbequest.

RESTITUTOR,n.Benefactor;philanthropist.

RETALIATION,n.Thenatural rockuponwhich is reared theTempleofLaw.

RETRIBUTION,n.A rainof fire-and-brimstone that fallsalikeupon thejustandsuchoftheunjustashavenotprocuredshelterbyevictingthem.

In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by FatherGassalascaJape,thereverendpoetappearstohinthissenseoftheimprudenceofturningabouttofaceRetributionwhenitistakingexercise:

What,what!DomPedro,youdesiretogo

BacktoBraziltoendyourdaysinquiet?

Why,whatassurancehaveyou'twouldbeso?

'Tisnotsolongsinceyouwereinariot,

Andyourdearsubjectsshowedawilltoflyat

Yourthroatandshakeyoulikearat.Youknow

Thatempiresareungrateful;areyoucertain

Republicsarelesshandytogethurtin?

REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields nomore,butgetupandhavetheirbluenosescounted.IntheAmericanarmyitisingeniouslycalled"rev-e-lee,"andtothatpronunciationourcountrymenhavepledgedtheirlives,theirmisfortunesandtheirsacreddishonor.

REVELATION,n.AfamousbookinwhichSt.JohntheDivineconcealedall that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who knownothing.

REVERENCE,n.Thespiritualattitudeofamantoagodandadogtoaman.

REVIEW,v.t.

Tosetyourwisdom(holdingnotadoubtofit,

Althoughintruththere'sneitherbonenorskintoit)

Atworkuponabook,andsoreadoutofit

Thequalitiesthatyouhavefirstreadintoit.

REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form ofmisgovernment.Specifically,inAmericanhistory,thesubstitutionoftheruleofanAdministrationforthatofaMinistry,wherebythewelfareandhappinessof the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usuallyaccompaniedbyaconsiderableeffusionofblood,butareaccountedworthit—this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not themischance to be shed.TheFrench revolution is of incalculable value to theSocialistofto-day;whenhepullsthestringactuatingitsbonesitsgesturesareinexpressiblyterrifyingtogorytyrantssuspectedoffomentinglawandorder.

RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting forpreciousmetalsinthepocketofafool.

RIBALDRY,n.Censoriouslanguagebyanotherconcerningoneself.

RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another.Theword isofclassical refinement,and isevensaid tohavebeenused inafablebyGeorgiusCoadjutor,oneofthemostfastidiouswritersofthefifteenthcentury—commonly,indeed,regardedasthefounderoftheFastidioticSchool.

RICE-WATER, n. Amystic beverage secretly used by ourmost popularnovelistsandpoetstoregulatetheimaginationandnarcotizetheconscience.Itissaidtoberichinbothobtunditeandlethargine,andisbrewedinamidnightfogbyafatwitchoftheDismalSwamp.

RICH,adj.Holding in trust and subject to anaccounting thepropertyoftheindolent,theincompetent,theunthrifty,theenviousandtheluckless.Thatis the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood ofManfinds itsmost logical development and candid advocacy.Todenizens of themidworldthewordmeansgoodandwise.

RIDICULE,n.Wordsdesignedtoshowthatthepersonofwhomtheyareuttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who uttersthem. Itmaybegraphic,mimeticormerely rident.Shaftesbury isquotedashaving pronounced it the test of truth—a ridiculous assertion, for many asolemn fallacy has undergone centuries of ridiculewith no abatement of itspopular acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously deridedthanthedoctrineofInfantRespectability?

RIGHT,n.Legitimateauthoritytobe,todoortohave;astherighttobeaking,therighttodoone'sneighbor,therighttohavemeasles,andthelike.Thefirstoftheserightswasonceuniversallybelievedtobederiveddirectlyfromthe will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in partibus infideliumoutsidetheenlightenedrealmsofDemocracy;asthewellknownlinesofSirAbednegoBink,following:

Bywhatright,then,doroyalrulersrule?

Whoseisthesanctionoftheirstateandpow'r?

Hesurelywereasstubbornasamule

Who,Godunwilling,couldmaintainanhour

Hisuninvitedsessiononthethrone,orair

HispridesecurelyinthePresidentialchair.

WhateverisissobyRightDivine;

Whate'eroccurs,Godwillsitso.Goodland!

ItwereawondrousthingifHisdesign

Afoolcouldbaffleoraroguewithstand!

Ifso,thenGod,Isay(intendingnooffence)

Isguiltyofcontributorynegligence.

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among thePantidoodlesinhabitingthelowerpartofthepeninsulaofOque.Somefeebleattempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into severalEuropean countries, but it appears to have been imperfectly expounded.Anexample of this faulty exposition is found in the only extant sermon of thepiousBishopRowley,acharacteristicpassagefromwhichisheregiven:

"Nowrighteousnessconsistethnotmerelyinaholystateofmind,noryetinperformanceofreligiousritesandobediencetotheletterofthelaw.Itisnotenoughthatonebepiousandjust:onemustseetoitthatothersalsoareinthesamestate;andtothisendcompulsionisapropermeans.Forasmuchasmyinjusticemayworkilltoanother,sobyhisinjusticemayevilbewroughtuponstillanother,thewhichitisasmanifestlymydutytoestopastoforestallmineowntort.WhereforeifIwouldberighteousIamboundtorestrainmyneighbor,byforceifneedful,inallthoseinjuriousenterprisesfromwhich,throughabetterdispositionandbythehelpofHeaven,Idomyselfrefrain."

RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. Theverses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (andwickedly)spelled"rhyme."

RIMER,n.Apoetregardedwithindifferenceordisesteem.

RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocentbystanders.

R.I.P.A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace, attesting an indolentgoodwilltothedead.AccordingtothelearnedDr.Drigge,however,thelettersoriginallymeantnothingmorethanreductusinpulvis.

RITE,n.Areligiousorsemi-religiousceremonyfixedby law,preceptorcustom,withtheessentialoilofsinceritycarefullysqueezedoutofit.

RITUALISM,n.ADutchGardenofGodwhereHemaywalkinrectilinearfreedom,keepingoffthegrass.

ROAD,n.Astripoflandalongwhichonemaypassfromwhereitistootiresometobetowhereitisfutiletogo.

ROBBER,n.Acandidmanofaffairs.

It is related ofVoltaire that one night he and some traveling companionlodgedatawaysideinn.Thesurroundingsweresuggestive, andaftersuppertheyagreedtotellrobberstoriesinturn."OncetherewasaFarmer-GeneraloftheRevenues."Sayingnothingmore,hewasencouragedtocontinue."That,"hesaid,"isthestory."

ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to theGod ofThings asThey Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, as adomestichorsetothehitching-post,butinromanceitrangesatwillovertheentireregionoftheimagination—free,lawless,immunetobitandrein.Yournovelist is a poor creature, as Carlylemight say—amere reporter. Hemayinventhischaractersandplot,buthemustnotimagineanythingtakingplacethat might not occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why heimposes this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a

lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick volumeswithout illuminatingby somuchas a candle's ray theblackprofoundofhisown ignorance of thematter. There are great novels, for great writers have"laidwastetheirpowers"towritethem,butitremainstruethatfarandawaythemostfascinatingfictionthatwehaveis"TheThousandandOneNights."

ROPE,n.Anobsolescentappliancefor remindingassassins that they tooaremortal.Itisputabouttheneckandremainsinplaceone'swholelifelong.Ithasbeenlargelysupersededbyamorecomplexelectricaldevicewornuponanother part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatusknownasthepreachment.

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. InAmerica,aplacefromwhichacandidateforofficeenergeticallyexpoundsthewisdom,virtueandpoweroftherabble.

ROUNDHEAD,n.Amemberof theParliamentarianpartyintheEnglishcivil war—so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas hisenemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points of differencebetween them,but the fashion inhairwas the fundamentalcauseofquarrel.The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fellow, found itmore convenient to let his hair grow than to wash his neck. This theRoundheads,whoweremostlybarbersandsoap-boilers,deemedaninjurytotrade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particularindignation.Descendantsofthebelligerentsnowweartheirhairallalike,butthe fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this daybeneaththesnowsofBritishcivility.

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies,literatures,artsandsciencesofthetribesinfestingtheregionslyingduesouthfromBoreaplas.

RUIN,v.Todestroy.Specifically,todestroyamaid'sbeliefinthevirtueofmaids.

RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in totalabstainers.

RUMOR,n.Afavoriteweaponoftheassassinsofcharacter.

RUSSIAN,n.ApersonwithaCaucasianbodyandaMongolian soul.ATartarEmetic.

S

SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that Godmadetheworldinsixdaysandwasarrestedontheseventh.AmongtheJewsobservanceofthedaywasenforcedbyaCommandmentofwhichthisistheChristianversion: "Remember the seventhday tomake thyneighborkeep itwholly."TotheCreatoritseemedfitandexpedientthattheSabbathshouldbethelastdayoftheweek,buttheEarlyFathersoftheChurchheldotherviews.Sogreatis thesanctityofthedaythatevenwheretheLordholdsadoubtfulandprecariousjurisdictionoverthosewhogodownto(anddowninto)theseaitisreverentlyrecognized,asismanifestinthefollowingdeep-waterversionoftheFourthCommandment:

Sixdaysshaltthoulaboranddoallthouartable,

Andontheseventhholystonethedeckandscrapethecable.

Decksarenolongerholystoned,butthecablestillsuppliesthecaptainwithopportunitytoattestapiousrespectforthedivineordinance.

SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is apriest.DenialofthismomentousdoctrineisthehardestchallengethatisnowflungintotheteethoftheEpiscopalianchurchbytheNeo-Dictionarians.

SACRAMENT,n.Asolemnreligiousceremonytowhichseveraldegreesofauthorityandsignificanceareattached.Romehassevensacraments,buttheProtestantchurches,beinglessprosperous,feelthattheycanaffordonlytwo,andtheseofinferiorsanctity.Someofthesmallersectshavenosacramentsatall—forwhichmeaneconomytheywillindubitablebedamned.

SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama ofThibet;theMoogumofM'bwango;thetempleofApesinCeylon;theCowinIndia; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; theMufti ofMoosh;thehairofthedogthatbitNoah,etc.

SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views ofDenis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiencesgatheredintheopenspaces(sandlots)ofthetown.Truetothetraditionsofhisspecies, this leader of the proletariatwas finally bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent and dying impenitently rich. Butbefore his treason he imposed upon California a constitution that was aconfectionofsininadictionofsolecisms.Thesimilaritybetweenthewords"sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitablysuggestive.

SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically toprevent thefallofanelevator,orcage, incaseofanaccident tothehoistingapparatus.

SAINT,n.Adeadsinnerrevisedandedited.

TheDuchessofOrleansrelatesthattheirreverentoldcalumniator,MarshalVilleroi,who in his youth had knownSt. Francis de Sales, said, on hearinghimcalledsaint:"IamdelightedtohearthatMonsieurdeSalesisasaint.Hewas fond of saying indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In otherrespectshewasaperfectgentleman,thoughafool."

SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popularnovels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give itanothernameandthinkthat in introducingit theyareoccupyinganeglectedfieldoflettersandreapinganoverlookedharvest.Iftheyhavethemisfortunetolivelongenoughtheyaretormentedwithadesiretoburntheirsheaves.

SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are nowbelievedtobeextinct,thelastoneofwhichwehaveanaccounthavingbeenseen inCarcassonneby theAbbeBelloc,who exorcised itwith a bucket ofholywater.

SARCOPHAGUS,n.Among theGreeksacoffinwhichbeingmadeofacertainkindofcarnivorousstone,had thepeculiarpropertyofdevouring thebody placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographers iscommonlyaproductofthecarpenter'sart.

SATAN,n.OneoftheCreator'slamentablemistakes,repentedinsashclothandaxes.Being instatedas anarchangel,Satanmadehimselfmultifariouslyobjectionableandwas finallyexpelled fromHeaven.Halfway inhisdescenthepaused,benthisheadinthoughtamomentandatlastwentback."ThereisonefavorthatIshouldliketoask,"saidhe.

"Nameit."

"Man,Iunderstand,isabouttobecreated.Hewillneedlaws."

"What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn ofeternitywithhatredofhissoul—youaskfortherighttomakehislaws?"

"Pardon;whatIhavetoaskisthathebepermittedtomakethemhimself."

Itwassoordered.

SATIETY,n.The feeling thatonehas for theplate afterhehas eaten itscontents,madam.

SATIRE, n.An obsolete kind of literary composition inwhich the vicesandfolliesoftheauthor'senemieswereexpoundedwithimperfecttenderness.Inthiscountrysatireneverhadmorethanasicklyanduncertainexistence,forthe soul of it is wit, whereinwe are dolefully deficient, the humor that we

mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover,althoughAmericans are "endowedby theirCreator"with abundantvice andfolly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities,wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spiritedknave, andhisevervictim'soutcryforcodefendantsevokesanationalassent.

SATYR,n.OneofthefewcharactersoftheGrecianmythologyaccordedrecognitionintheHebrew.(Leviticus,xvii,7.)ThesatyrwasatfirstamemberofthedissolutecommunityacknowledgingalooseallegiancewithDionysius,butunderwentmany transformationsand improvements.Not infrequentlyheisconfoundedwiththefaun,alateranddecentercreationoftheRomans,whowaslesslikeamanandmorelikeagoat.

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. Apeoplewith no sauces has one thousandvices; a peoplewith one saucehasonlyninehundredandninety-nine.Foreverysauce inventedandacceptedaviceisrenouncedandforgiven.

SAW,n.Atritepopularsaying,orproverb.(Figurativeandcolloquial.)Socalledbecauseitmakesitswayintoawoodenhead.Followingareexamplesofoldsawsfittedwithnewteeth.

Apennysavedisapennytosquander.

Amanisknownbythecompanythatheorganizes.

Abadworkmanquarrelswiththemanwhocallshimthat.

Abirdinthehandisworthwhatitwillbring.

Betterlatethanbeforeanybodyhasinvitedyou.

Exampleisbetterthanfollowingit.

Halfaloafisbetterthanawholeoneifthereismuchelse.

Thinktwicebeforeyouspeaktoafriendinneed.

Whatisworthdoingisworththetroubleofaskingsomebodytodoit.

Leastsaidissoonestdisavowed.

Helaughsbestwholaughsleast.

SpeakoftheDevilandhewillhearaboutit.

Oftwoevilschoosetobetheleast.

Strikewhileyouremployerhasabigcontract.

Wherethere'sawillthere'sawon't.

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to

ourfamiliar"tumble-bug."Itwassupposedtosymbolizeimmortality,thefactthatGodknewwhygiving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating itseggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of thepriesthood,andmaysomedayassureitanequalreverenceamongourselves.True, theAmericanbeetleisaninferiorbeetle,but theAmericanpriest isaninferiorpriest.

SCARABEE,n.Thesameasscarabaeus.

SCARIFICATION,n.Aformofpenancepractisedbythemediaevalpious.The ritewasperformed, sometimeswithaknife, sometimeswithahot iron,butalways,saysArseniusAsceticus,acceptablyifthepenitentsparedhimselfnopainnorharmlessdisfigurement.Scarification,withothercrudepenances,has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library orendowmentofauniversityissaidtoyieldtothepenitentasharperandmorelasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surermeansofgrace.Thereare,however,twograveobjectionstoitasapenitentialmethod:thegoodthatitdoesandthetaintofjustice.

SCEPTER,n.Aking'sstaffofoffice,thesignandsymbolofhisauthority.Itwasoriginallyamacewithwhichthesovereignadmonishedhisjesterandvetoedministerialmeasuresbybreakingthebonesoftheirproponents.

SCIMITAR,n.Acurvedswordofexceedingkeenness, in theconductofwhich certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident hererelated will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese ofShusiItama,afamouswriterofthethirteenthcentury.

WhenthegreatGichi-KuktaiwasMikadohecondemnedtodecapitationJijijiRi,ahighofficeroftheCourt.SoonafterthehourappointedforperformanceoftheritewhatwashisMajesty'ssurprisetoseecalmlyapproachingthethronethemanwhoshouldhavebeenatthattimetenminutesdead!

"Seventeenhundredimpossibledragons!"shoutedtheenragedmonarch."DidInotsentenceyoutostandinthemarket-placeandhaveyourheadstruckoffbythepublicexecutioneratthreeo'clock?Andisitnotnow3:10?"

"Sonofathousandillustriousdeities,"answeredthecondemnedminister,"allthatyousayissotruethatthetruthisalieincomparison.ButyourheavenlyMajesty'ssunnyandvitalizingwisheshavebeenpestilentlydisregarded.WithjoyIranandplacedmyunworthybodyinthemarket-place.Theexecutionerappearedwithhisbarescimitar,ostentatiouslywhirleditinair,andthen,tappingmelightlyupontheneck,strodeaway,peltedbythepopulace,withwhomIwaseverafavorite.Iamcometoprayforjusticeuponhisowndishonorableandtreasonoushead."

"Towhatregimentofexecutionersdoestheblack-boweledcaitiffbelong?"askedtheMikado.

"TothegallantNinety-eightHundredandThirty-seventh—Iknowtheman.HisnameisSakko-Samshi."

"Let himbe brought beforeme," said theMikado to an attendant, and ahalf-hourlatertheculpritstoodinthePresence.

"Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchbackwithout thumbs!" roaredthe sovereign—"why didst thou but lightly tap the neck that it should havebeenthypleasuretosever?"

"LordofCranes andCherryBlooms," replied the executioner, unmoved,"commandhimtoblowhisnosewithhisfingers."

Beingcommanded,JijijiRilaidholdofhisnoseandtrumpetedlikeanelephant,allexpectingtoseetheseveredheadflungviolentlyfromhim.Nothingoccurred:theperformanceprosperedpeacefullytotheclose,withoutincident.

Alleyeswerenowturnedontheexecutioner,whohadgrownaswhiteasthesnowsonthesummitofFujiama.Hislegstrembledandhisbreathcameingaspsofterror.

"Severalkindsofspike-tailedbrasslions!"hecried;"Iamaruinedanddisgracedswordsman!IstruckthevillainfeeblybecauseinflourishingthescimitarIhadaccidentallypasseditthroughmyownneck!FatheroftheMoon,Iresignmyoffice."

Sosaying,hegaspedhistop-knot,liftedoffhishead,andadvancingtothethronelaidithumblyattheMikado'sfeet.

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containingwhatevertheyhappentoreadaboutthemselvesoremployotherstocollect.Oneoftheseegotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon MelancthonPeters:

DearFrank,thatscrap-bookwhereyouboast

Youkeeparecordtrue

Ofeverykindofpepperedroast

That'smadeofyou;

Whereinyoupastetheprintedgibes

Thatrevelroundyourname,

Thinkingthelaughterofthescribes

Attestsyourfame;

Whereallthepicturesyouarrange

Thatcomicpencilstrace—

Yourfunnyfigureandyourstrange

Semiticface—

Praylenditme.WitIhavenot,

Norart,butthereI'lllist

Thedailydrubbingsyou'dhavegot

HadGodafist.

SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic toone'sown.

SCRIPTURES,n.Thesacredbooksofourholyreligion,asdistinguishedfromthefalseandprofanewritingsonwhichallotherfaithsarebased.

SEAL,n.Amarkimpresseduponcertainkindsofdocumentstoattesttheirauthenticityandauthority.Sometimesitisstampeduponwax,andattachedtothepaper,sometimesintothepaperitself.Sealing,inthissense,isasurvivalofanancientcustomof inscribing importantpaperswithcabalisticwordsorsigns togive themamagical efficacy independentof the authority that theyrepresent.IntheBritishmuseumarepreservedmanyancientpapers,mostlyofasacerdotalcharacter,validatedbynecromanticpentagramsandotherdevices,frequentlyinitiallettersofwordstoconjurewith;andinmanyinstancestheseare attached in the sameway that seals are appended now.As nearly everyreasonlessandapparentlymeaninglesscustom, riteorobservanceofmoderntimeshadorigin in some remoteutility, it ispleasing tonote anexampleofancientnonsenseevolvingintheprocessofagesintosomethingreallyuseful.Ourword"sincere"isderivedfromsinecero,withoutwax,butthelearnedarenotinagreementastowhetherthisreferstotheabsenceofthecabalisticsigns,or to that of the wax with which letters were formerly closed from publicscrutiny. Either view of thematter will serve one in immediate need of anhypothesis. The initials L.S., commonly appended to signatures of legaldocuments,meanlocumsigillis,theplaceoftheseal,althoughthesealisnolongerused—anadmirableexampleofconservatismdistinguishingManfromthe beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humbly suggested as asuitablemottoforthePribyloffIslandswhenevertheyshalltaketheirplaceasasovereignStateoftheAmericanUnion.

SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of

environment.Forfishitismadestrongandcoarse,butwomenaremoreeasilytakenwithasingularlydelicatefabricweightedwithsmall,cutstones.

SELF-ESTEEM,n.Anerroneousappraisement.

SELF-EVIDENT,adj.Evidenttoone'sselfandtonobodyelse.

SELFISH,adj.Devoidofconsiderationfortheselfishnessofothers.

SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen chargedwith high duties andmisdemeanors.

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creepingthrough several issues of a newspaper ormagazine. Frequently appended toeachinstallmentisa"synposisofprecedingchapters"forthosewhohavenotreadthem,butadirerneedisasynposisofsucceedingchaptersforthosewhodonotintendtoreadthem.Asynposisoftheentireworkwouldbestillbetter.

ThelateJamesF.Bowmanwaswritingaserialtaleforaweeklypaperincollaborationwithageniuswhosenamehasnotcomedowntous.Theywrote,not jointly but alternately,Bowman supplying the installment for oneweek,his friend for the next, and so on, world without end, they hoped.Unfortunately theyquarreled,andoneMondaymorningwhenBowmanreadthepapertopreparehimselfforhistask,hefoundhisworkcutoutforhiminawaytosurpriseandpainhim.HiscollaboratorhadembarkedeverycharacterofthenarrativeonashipandsunkthemallinthedeepestpartoftheAtlantic.

SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands heldindividually,notinjointownership.CertaintribesofIndiansarebelievednowtobesufficientlycivilizedtohaveinseveraltythelandsthattheyhavehithertoheldastribalorganizations,andcouldnotselltotheWhitesforwaxenbeadsandpotatowhiskey.

Lo!thepoorIndianwhoseunsuitedmind

Sawdeathbefore,hellandthegravebehind;

Whomthriftysettlerne'erbesoughttostay—

Hissmallbelongingstheirappointedprey;

WhomDispossession,withalluringwile,

Persuadedelsewhereeverylittlewhile!

Hisfireunquenchedandhisundyingworm

By"landinseveralty"(charmingterm!)

Arecooledandkilled,respectively,atlast,

Andhetohisnewholdinganchoredfast!

SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whosemostcharacteristicduties,insomeoftheWesternandSouthernStates,arethecatchingandhangingofrogues.

SIREN,n.Oneofseveralmusicalprodigiesfamousforavainattempt todissuadeOdysseus from a life on the oceanwave. Figuratively, any lady ofsplendidpromise,dissembledpurposeanddisappointingperformance.

SLANG,n.Thegruntofthehumanhog(Pignoramusintolerabilis)withanaudiblememory.Thespeechofonewhoutterswithhistonguewhathethinkswith his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of aparrot.Ameans(underProvidence)ofsettingupasawitwithoutacapitalofsense.

SMITHAREEN,n.Afragment,adecomponentpart,aremain.

SOPHISTRY, n.The controversialmethod of an opponent, distinguishedfromone'sownbysuperiorinsincerityandfooling.ThismethodisthatofthelaterSophists,aGreciansectofphilosopherswhobeganbyteachingwisdom,prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lostthemselvesinamazeofquibblesandafogofwords.

SORCERY,n.Theancientprototypeandforerunnerofpoliticalinfluence.It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished bytorture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who hadbeenaccusedofsorcerywasput to the torture tocompelaconfession.Afterenduringafewgentleagonies thesufferingsimpletonadmittedhisguilt,butnaivelyaskedhis tormentors if itwerenotpossible tobea sorcererwithoutknowingit.

SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been bravedisputation.Platoheldthatthosesoulswhichinapreviousstateofexistence(antedatingAthens)hadobtainedtheclearestglimpsesofeternaltruthenteredinto the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato himself was aphilosopher.Thesouls thathad leastcontemplateddivine truthanimated thebodiesofusurpersanddespots.DionysiusI,whohadthreatenedtodecapitatethebroad-browedphilosopher,was a usurper and a despot.Plato, doubtless,was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quotedagainsthisenemies;certainlyhewasnotthelast.

"Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author ofDiversionesSanctorum,"therehathbeenhardlymoreargumentthanthatofitsplace in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in theabdomen—in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth hithertounintelligible,namelythatthegluttonisofallmenmostdevout.HeissaidintheScriptureto'makeagodofhisbelly'—why,then,shouldhenotbepious,

havingeverhisDeitywithhim to freshenhis faith?Who sowell ashe canknowthemightandmajesty thatheshrines?Trulyandsoberly, thesoulandthestomachareoneDivineEntity;andsuchwasthebeliefofPromasius,whoneverthelesserred indenyingit immortality.Hehadobservedthat itsvisibleandmaterialsubstancefailedanddecayedwiththerestofthebodyafterdeath,but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call theAppetite, and it survives thewreckand reekofmortality, tobe rewardedorpunished inanotherworld, according towhat ithathdemanded in the flesh.TheAppetitewhosecoarseclamoringwasfortheunwholesomeviandsofthegeneral market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine,whilstthatwhichfirmlythoughcivillyinsistedonortolans,caviare, terrapin,anchovies,patesdefoiegrasandallsuchChristiancomestiblesshallfleshitsspiritualtoothinthesoulsofthemforeverandever,andwreakitsdivinethirstupon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed herebelow.Suchismyreligiousfaith, thoughIgrievetoconfessthatneitherHisHoliness the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom Iequallyandprofoundlyrevere)willassenttoitsdissemination."

SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself withsupernaturalphenomena,especiallyinthedoingsofspooks.OneofthemostillustriousspookersofourtimeisMr.WilliamD.Howells,whointroducesawell-credentialedreadertoasrespectableandmannerlyacompanyofspooksasonecouldwishtomeet.Totheterrorthatinveststhechairmanofadistrictschoolboard,theHowellsghostaddssomethingofthemysteryenvelopingafarmerfromanothertownship.

STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories herefollowinghas,however,notbeensuccessfullyimpeached.

One eveningMr.RudolphBlock, ofNewYork, found himself seated atdinneralongsideMr.PercivalPollard,thedistinguishedcritic.

"Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, ispublishedanonymously,butyoucanhardlybeignorantofitsauthorship.YetinreviewingityouspeakofitastheworkoftheIdiotoftheCentury.Doyouthinkthatfaircriticism?"

"Iamverysorry,sir,"repliedthecritic,amiably,"butitdidnotoccurtomethatyoureallymightnotwishthepublictoknowwhowroteit."

Mr.W.C.Morrow,whousedtoliveinSanJose,California,wasaddictedtowritingghost storieswhichmade the reader feelas ifa streamof lizards,fresh from the ice,were streaking it uphis back andhiding inhis hair.SanJosewas at that timebelieved tobehauntedby thevisible spirit of a notedbandit namedVasquez,whohadbeenhanged there.The townwasnot verywelllighted,anditisputtingitmildlytosaythatSanJosewasreluctanttobe

out o' nights.Oneparticularly darknight twogentlemenwere abroad in theloneliest spotwithin the city limits, talking loudly to keepup their courage,whentheycameuponMr.J.J.Owen,awell-knownjournalist.

"Why,Owen,"saidone,"whatbringsyouhereonsuchanightasthis?Youtoldme that this isoneofVasquez' favoritehaunts!Andyouareabeliever.Aren'tyouafraidtobeout?"

"Mydearfellow," thejournalistrepliedwithadrearautumnalcadenceinhisspeech,likethemoanofaleaf-ladenwind,"Iamafraidtobein.IhaveoneofWillMorrow's stories inmypocket and Idon't dare togowhere there islightenoughtoreadit."

Rear-AdmiralSchleyandRepresentativeCharlesF.Joywerestandingnearthe Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is success afailure?Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in themiddle of an eloquent sentence,exclaiming:"Hello!I'veheardthatbandbefore.Santlemann's,Ithink."

"Idon'thearanyband,"saidSchley.

"Cometothink,Idon'teither,"saidJoy;"butIseeGeneralMilescomingdown the avenue, and that pageant always affectsme in the sameway as abrassband.Onehastoscrutinizeone'simpressionsprettyclosely,oronewillmistaketheirorigin."

While theAdmiral was digesting this hastymeal of philosophyGeneralMilespassedinreview,aspectacleofimpressivedignity.Whenthetailoftheseemingprocessionhadpassedandthetwoobservershadrecoveredfromthetransientblindnesscausedbyitseffulgence—

"Heseemstobeenjoyinghimself,"saidtheAdmiral.

"Thereisnothing,"assentedJoy,thoughtfully,"thatheenjoysone-halfsowell."

Theillustriousstatesman,ChampClark,oncelivedaboutamilefromthevillageofJebigue,inMissouri.Onedayherodeintotownonafavoritemule,and,hitching thebeaston thesunnysideofastreet, in frontofasaloon,hewentinsideinhischaracterofteetotaler,toapprisethebarkeeperthatwineisamocker.Itwasadreadfullyhotday.PrettysoonaneighborcameinandseeingClark,said:

"Champ,itisnotrighttoleavethatmuleoutthereinthesun.He'llroast,sure!—hewassmokingasIpassedhim."

"O,he'sallright,"saidClark,lightly;"he'saninveteratesmoker."

Theneighbortookalemonade,butshookhisheadandrepeatedthatitwasnotright.

Hewasaconspirator.Therehadbeenafirethenightbefore:astablejustaround the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on theirimmortality,amongthemayoungcolt,whichwasroastedtoarichnut-brown.SomeoftheboyshadturnedMr.Clark'smulelooseandsubstitutedthemortalpartofthecolt.Presentlyanothermanenteredthesaloon.

"Formercy's sake!" he said, taking itwith sugar, "do remove thatmule,barkeeper:itsmells."

"Yes,"interposedClark,"thatanimalhasthebestnoseinMissouri.Butifhedoesn'tmind,youshouldn't."

In thecourseofhumaneventsMr.Clarkwentout,and there,apparently,laytheincineratedandshrunkenremainsofhischarger.Theboysdidnothaveany fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression towhichheowes somuchofhispoliticalpreferment,wentaway.Butwalkinghomelatethatnighthesawhismulestandingsilentandsolemnby thewayside in themistymoonlight.Mentioning thenameofHelenBlazeswithuncommonemphasis,Mr.Clarktookthebacktrackashardaseverhecouldhookit,andpassedthenightintown.

GeneralH.H.Wotherspoon,presidentoftheArmyWarCollege,hasapetrib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectlybeautiful.Returningtohisapartmentoneevening,theGeneralwassurprisedand pained to findAdam (for so the creature is named, the general being aDarwinian) sitting up for him and wearing his master's best uniform coat,epaulettesandall.

"You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, "whatdoyoumeanbybeingoutofbedafternaps?—andwithmycoaton!"

Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in themannerofhiskindand,scufflingacross theroomtoa table,returnedwithavisiting-card:GeneralBarryhadcalledand,judgingbyanemptychampagnebottleandseveralcigar-stumps,hadbeenhospitablyentertainedwhilewaiting.Thegeneralapologizedtohisfaithfulprogenitorandretired.ThenextdayhemetGeneralBarry,whosaid:

"Spoon,oldman,whenleavingyoulasteveningIforgottoaskyouaboutthoseexcellentcigars.Wheredidyougetthem?"

GeneralWotherspoondidnotdeigntoreply,butwalkedaway.

"Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking ofcourse.Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteenminutes."

SUCCESS,n.Theoneunpardonablesinagainstone'sfellows.Inliterature,

andparticularlyinpoetry,theelementsofsuccessareexceedinglysimple,andare admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend FatherGassalascaJape,entitled,forsomemysteriousreason,"JohnA.Joyce."

Thebardwhowouldprospermustcarryabook,

Dohisthinkinginproseandwear

Acrimsoncravat,afar-awaylook

Andaheadofhexameterhair.

Bethininyourthoughtandyourbody'llbefat;

Ifyouwearyourhairlongyouneedn'tyourhat.

SUFFRAGE,n.Expressionofopinionbymeansofaballot.Therightofsuffrage(whichisheldtobebothaprivilegeandaduty)means,ascommonlyinterpreted,therighttovoteforthemanofanotherman'schoice,andishighlyprized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian,however,cannotbeproperlyarraignedforhiscrime,forthereisnolegitimateaccuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court ofopinion; ifnot,heprofitsby thecrime, forA'sabstention fromvotinggivesgreaterweight to the vote of B. By female suffrage ismeant the right of awomantovoteassomemantellsherto.Itisbasedonfemaleresponsibility,which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to jump out of herpetticoattoassertherrightsisfirsttojumpbackintoitwhenthreatenedwithaswitchingformisusingthem.

SYCOPHANT,n.OnewhoapproachesGreatnessonhisbelly so thathemaynotbecommandedtoturnandbekicked.Heissometimesaneditor.

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minorassumptionandaninconsequent.(SeeLOGIC.)

SYLPH,n.Animmaterialbutvisiblebeingthatinhabitedtheairwhentheair was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke,sewergasandsimilarproductsofcivilization.Sylphswerealliedtognomes,nymphsandsalamanders,whichdwelt, respectively, inearth,waterandfire,allnowinsalubrious.Sylphs,likefowlsoftheair,weremaleandfemale,tonopurpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested ininaccessibleplaces,noneofthechickshavingeverbeenseen.

SYMBOL,n.Somethingthatissupposedtotypifyorstandforsomethingelse.Manysymbolsaremere"survivals"—thingswhichhavingnolongeranyutilitycontinuetoexistbecausewehaveinheritedthetendencytomakethem;as funereal urns carved onmemorialmonuments. Theywere once real urnsholdingtheashesofthedead.Wecannotstopmakingthem,butwecangivethemanamethatconcealsourhelplessness.

SYMBOLIC,adj.Pertainingtosymbolsandtheuseandinterpretationofsymbols.

T

T,thetwentiethletteroftheEnglishalphabet,wasbytheGreeksabsurdlycalled tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rudecorkscrewof theperiod, andwhen it stoodalone (whichwasmore than thePhoenicianscouldalwaysdo)signifiedTallegal,translatedbythelearnedDr.Brownrigg,"tanglefoot."

TABLED'HOTE,n.Acaterer'sthriftyconcessiontotheuniversalpassionforirresponsibility.

TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its naturallimitationstosetupanindependentexistenceinaworldofitsown.Exceptingin its foetal state,Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests anhereditaryanduneasyconsciousnessbythecoat-skirtofthemaleandthetrainof the female, and by amarked tendency to ornament that part of his attirewhere the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is mostobservableinthefemaleofthespecies,inwhomtheancestralsenseisstrongandpersistent.ThetailedmendescribedbyLordMonboddoarenowgenerallyregarded as a product of an imagination unusually susceptible to influencesgeneratedinthegoldenageofourpithecanpast.

TAKE,v.t.Toacquire,frequentlybyforcebutpreferablybystealth.

TALK,v.t.Tocommitanindiscretionwithouttemptation,fromanimpulsewithoutpurpose.

TARIFF,n.Ascaleof taxesonimports,designedtoprotect thedomesticproduceragainstthegreedofhisconsumer.

TECHNICALITY,n.InanEnglishcourtamannamedHomewastriedforslanderinhavingaccusedhisneighborofmurder.Hisexactwordswere:"SirThomasHolthathtakenacleaverandstrickenhiscookuponthehead,sothatonesideoftheheadfellupononeshoulderandtheothersideupontheothershoulder."Thedefendantwasacquittedbyinstructionofthecourt,thelearnedjudgesholding that thewordsdidnotchargemurder, for theydidnotaffirmthedeathofthecook,thatbeingonlyaninference.

TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Manyfancifulderivationsofthewordhavebeenaffirmed,butsohighanauthorityasFatherJapesaysthatitcomesfromaveryobvioussource—thefirstwords

of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus. In this apparently naturalderivationthereissomethingthatsaddens.

TEETOTALER,n.Onewhoabstainsfromstrongdrink,sometimestotally,sometimestolerablytotally.

TELEPHONE,n.An inventionof thedevilwhichabrogatessomeof theadvantagesofmakingadisagreeablepersonkeephisdistance.

TELESCOPE,n.Adevicehavingarelationtotheeyesimilartothatofthetelephonetotheear,enablingdistantobjectstoplagueuswithamultitudeofneedless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to thesacrifice.

TENACITY,n.Acertainqualityof thehumanhand in its relation to thecoinof the realm. It attains itshighestdevelopment in thehandofauthorityand is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. Thefollowing illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in highpoliticalpreferment,whohaspassedtohisaccounting:

Ofsuchtenacityhisgrip

Thatnothingfromhishandcanslip.

Well-butteredeelsyoumayo'erwhelm

Intubsofliquidslippery-elm

Invain—fromhisdetainingpinch

Theycannotstrugglehalfaninch!

'Tisluckythathesoisplanned

Thatbreathhedrawsnotwithhishand,

Forifhedid,sogreathisgreed

He'ddrawhislastwitheagerspeed.

Nay,thatwerewell,yousay.Notso

He'ddrawbutneverletitgo!

THEOSOPHY,n.Anancientfaithhavingallthecertitudeofreligionandallthemysteryofscience.ThemodernTheosophistholds,withtheBuddhists,thatweliveanincalculablenumberoftimesonthisearth,inasmanyseveralbodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritualdevelopment; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become aswise and good aswe choose towish to become.To be absolutelywise andgood—that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to haveobserved that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains

perfection.Lesscompetentobserversaredisposedtoexceptcats,whichseemneitherwiser nor better than theywere last year.The greatest and fattest ofrecentTheosophistswasthelateMadameBlavatsky,whohadnocat.

TIGHTS,n.Anhabilimentof thestagedesigned to reinforce thegeneralacclamationofthepressagentwithaparticularpublicity.PublicattentionwasoncesomewhatdivertedfromthisgarmenttoMissLillianRussell'srefusaltowear it, andmanywere the conjectures as to hermotive, the guess ofMissPaulineHallshowingahighorderofingenuityandsustainedreflection.ItwasMiss Hall's belief that nature had not endowedMiss Russell with beautifullegs.Thistheorywasimpossibleofacceptancebythemaleunderstanding,butthe conception of a faulty female legwas of so prodigious originality as torankamongthemostbrilliantfeatsofphilosophicalspeculation!Itisstrangethat inall thecontroversy regardingMissRussell'saversion to tightsnooneseemstohavethoughttoascribeittowhatwasknownamongtheancientsas"modesty."The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, andpossibly incapableofexpositionwith thevocabulary that remains tous.Thestudy of lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the artsthemselvesrecovered.Thisisanepochofrenaissances,andthereisgroundforhopethattheprimitive"blush"maybedraggedfromitshiding-placeamongstthetombsofantiquityandhissedontothestage.

TOMB,n.TheHouseofIndifference.Tombsarenowbycommonconsentinvestedwithacertain sanctity,butwhen theyhavebeen long tenanted it isconsiderednosintobreakthemopenandriflethem,thefamousEgyptologist,Dr.Huggyns,explainingthatatombmaybeinnocently"glened"assoonasitsoccupantisdone"smellynge,"thesoulbeingthenallexhaled.Thisreasonableviewisnowgenerallyacceptedbyarchaeologists,wherebythenoblescienceofCuriosityhasbeengreatlydignified.

TOPE, v.To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In theindividual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in theforefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinkingChristianstheabstemiousMahometansgodownlikegrassbeforethescythe.In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzlingBritonsholdinsubjectiontwohundredandfiftymillionvegetarianabstainersofthesameAryanrace.Withwhataneasygracethewhisky-lovingAmericanpushedthetemperateSpaniardoutofhispossessions!FromthetimewhentheBerserkers ravaged all the coasts ofwesternEurope and lay drunk in everyconqueredport it hasbeen the sameway: everywhere thenations that drinktoomuchareobservedtofightratherwellandnottoorighteously.Whereforetheestimableold ladieswhoabolished thecanteen from theAmericanarmymayjustlyboastofhavingmateriallyaugmentedthenation'smilitarypower.

TORTOISE,n.Acreaturethoughtfullycreatedtosupplyoccasionfor the

followinglinesbytheillustriousAmbatDelaso:

TOMYPETTORTOISE

Myfriend,youarenotgraceful—notatall;

Yourgait'sbetweenastaggerandasprawl.

Norareyoubeautiful:yourhead'sasnake's

Tolookat,andIdonotdoubtitaches.

Astoyourfeet,they'dmakeanangelweep.

'Tistrueyoutaketheminwhene'eryousleep.

No,you'renotpretty,butyouhave,Iown,

Acertainfirmness—mostlyyou're[sic]backbone.

Firmnessandstrength(youhaveagiant'sthews)

Arevirtuesthatthegreatknowhowtouse—

Iwishthattheydidnot;yet,onthewhole,

Youlack—excusemymentioningit—Soul.

So,tobecandid,unreservedandtrue,

I'dratheryouwereIthanIwereyou.

Perhaps,however,inatimetobe,

WhenMan'sextinct,abetterworldmaysee

Yourprogenyinpowerandcontrol,

DuetothegenesisandgrowthofSoul.

SoIsaluteyouasareptilegrand

Predestinedtoregeneratetheland.

FatherofPossibilities,Odeign

Toacceptthehomageofadyingreign!

Inthefarregionoftheunforeknown

Idreamatortoiseuponeverythrone.

IseeanEmperorhisheadwithdraw

IntohiscarapaceforfearofLaw;

AKingwhocarriessomethingelsethanfat,

Howe'eracceptablyhecarriesthat;

APresidentnotstrenuouslybent

Onpunishmentofaudibledissent—

Whonevershot(itwereavainattack)

Anarmedorunarmedtortoiseintheback;

Subjectandcitizensthatfeelnoneed

TomaketheMarchofMindawildstampede;

Allprogressslow,contemplative,sedate,

And"Takeyourtime"theword,inChurchandState.

OTortoise,'tisahappy,happydream,

Myglorioustestudinousregime!

IwishinEdenyou'dbroughtthisabout

ByslouchinginandchasingAdamout.

TREE,n.Atallvegetableintendedbynaturetoserveasapenalapparatus,thoughthroughamiscarriageofjusticemosttreesbearonlyanegligiblefruit,or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency ofcivilizationandanimportantfactorinpublicmorals.InthesternWestandthesensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, isagreeabletothepublictasteand,thoughnotexported,profitabletothegeneralwelfare.ThatthelegitimaterelationofthetreetojusticewasnodiscoveryofJudgeLynch(who,indeed,concededitnoprimacyoverthelamp-postandthebridge-girder) ismade plain by the following passage fromMorryster, whoantedatedhimbytwocenturies:

WhileinytlondeIwascarriedtoseeyeGhogotree,whereof

Ihadheardemochtalk;butsayyngeytIsawnaughtremarkabyllinit,yehedmanneofyevillaygewhereitgrewemadeanswerasfolloweth:

"Yetreeisnotnoweinfruite,butinhisseasonneyoushallseedependyngefr.hisbraunchesallsochashaveaffroyntedyeKinghisMajesty."

AndIwasfurdertoldeytyeworde"Ghogo"sygnifyethinyrtongyesameas"rapscal"inourowne.

TrauvellsinyeEaste

TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record theblameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect thispurposeitisnecessarytosupplyacontrastinthepersonofonewhoiscalledthedefendant,theprisoner,ortheaccused.Ifthecontrastismadesufficiently

clearthispersonismadetoundergosuchanafflictionaswillgivethevirtuousgentlemenacomfortablesenseoftheirimmunity,addedtothatoftheirworth.In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but inmediaevaltimes,animals,fishes,reptilesandinsectswerebroughttotrial.Abeastthathadtakenhumanlife,orpracticedsorcery,wasdulyarrested,triedand, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaginggrain fields, orchards or vineyardswere cited to appeal by counsel before acivil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if theycontinuedincontumaciamthematterwastakentoahighecclesiasticalcourt,wheretheyweresolemnlyexcommunicatedandanathematized.InastreetofToledo,somepigsthathadwickedlyrunbetweentheviceroy'slegs,upsettinghim, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples an ass wascondemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to havebeenexecuted.D'Addosiorelates fromthecourt recordsmany trialsofpigs,bulls,horses,cocks,dogs,goats,etc.,greatly,itisbelieved,tothebettermentof their conduct andmorals. In 1451 a suitwas brought against the leechesinfestingsomepondsaboutBerne,andtheBishopofLausanne,instructedbythe faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquaticworms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and theleeches, both present and absent,were ordered to leave the places that theyhadinfestedwithinthreedaysonpainofincurring"themaledictionofGod."In the voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to showwhethertheoffendersbravedthepunishment,ordepartedforthwithoutofthatinhospitablejurisdiction.

TRICHINOSIS,n.Thepig'sreplytoproponentsofporcophagy.

MosesMendlessohnhavingfallenillsentforaChristianphysician,whoatoncediagnosed thephilosopher'sdisorderas trichinosis,but tactfullygave itanothername."Youneedanimmediatechangeofdiet,"hesaid;"youmusteatsixouncesofporkeveryotherday."

"Pork?"shriekedthepatient—"pork?Nothingshallinducemetotouchit!"

"Doyoumeanthat?"thedoctorgravelyasked.

"Iswearit!"

"Good!—thenIwillundertaketocureyou."

TRINITY,n. In themultiplex theismof certainChristian churches, threeentirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of thepolytheisticfaith,suchasdevilsandangels,arenotdoweredwiththepowerofcombination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration andpropitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holyreligion.Inrejectingitbecauseitisincomprehensible,Unitariansbetraytheir

inadequate sense of theological fundamentals. In religion we believe onlywhatwedonotunderstand,except in the instanceofan intelligibledoctrinethatcontradictsanincomprehensibleone.Inthatcasewebelievetheformerasapartofthelatter.

TROGLODYTE,n.Specifically,acave-dwellerof thepaleolithicperiod,aftertheTreeandbeforetheFlat.AfamouscommunityoftroglodytesdweltwithDavidintheCaveofAdullam.Thecolonyconsistedof"everyonethatwas in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that wasdiscontented"—inbrief,alltheSocialistsofJudah.

TRUCE,n.Friendship.

TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.Discoveryoftruthisthesolepurposeofphilosophy,whichisthemostancientoccupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing withincreasingactivitytotheendoftime.

TRUTHFUL,adj.Dumbandilliterate.

TRUST,n. InAmericanpolitics,a largecorporationcomposed ingreaterpart of thriftyworkingmen,widowsof smallmeans, orphans in the careofguardiansandthecourts,withmanysimilarmalefactorsandpublicenemies.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.Incidentally,itisprettygoodeating.

TWICE,adv.Oncetoooften.

TYPE, n. Pestilent bits ofmetal suspected of destroying civilization andenlightenment,despitetheirobviousagencyinthisincomparabledictionary.

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (Glossina morsitans)whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy forinsomnia,thoughsomepatientspreferthatoftheAmericannovelist(Mendaxinterminabilis).

U

UBIQUITY,n.Thegiftorpowerofbeinginallplacesatonetime,butnotinallplacesatall times,whichisomnipresence,anattributeofGodandtheluminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity andomnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was muchbloodshedaboutit.CertainLutherans,whoaffirmedthepresenceeverywhere

of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they weredoubtless damned, forChrist's body is present only in the eucharist, thoughthat sacramentmaybeperformed inmore thanoneplace simultaneously. Inrecenttimesubiquityhasnotalwaysbeenunderstood—notevenbySirBoyleRoche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at onceunlessheisabird.

UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtuewithouthumility.

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting toconcessions.

Having receivedanultimatum fromAustria, theTurkishMinistrymet toconsiderit.

"OservantoftheProphet,"saidtheSheikoftheImperialChibouktotheMamooshoftheInvincibleArmy,"howmanyunconquerablesoldiershaveweinarms?"

"Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining hismemoranda,"theyareinnumbersastheleavesoftheforest!"

"Andhowmany impenetrablebattleships strike terror to theheartsofallChristianswine?"heaskedtheImaumoftheEverVictoriousNavy.

"Uncleof theFullMoon,"wasthereply,"deigntoknowthat theyareasthewavesoftheocean,thesandsofthedesertandthestarsofHeaven!"

ForeighthoursthebroadbrowoftheSheikoftheImperialChiboukwascorrugatedwithevidencesofdeepthought:hewascalculatingthechancesofwar.Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! I shall suggest to theUlemaof theImperialEar thatheadvise inaction. In thenameofAllah, thecouncilisadjourned."

UN-AMERICAN,adj.Wicked,intolerable,heathenish.

UNCTION,n.Anoiling,orgreasing.Theriteofextremeunctionconsistsintouchingwithoilconsecratedbyabishopseveralpartsofthebodyofoneengagedindying.MarburyrelatesthataftertheritehadbeenadministeredtoacertainwickedEnglishnoblemanitwasdiscovered that theoilhadnotbeenproperlyconsecratedandnoothercouldbeobtained.Wheninformedof thisthesickmansaidinanger:"ThenI'llbedamnedifIdie!"

"Myson,"saidthepriest,"thisiswhatwefear."

UNDERSTANDING,n.Acerebralsecretionthatenablesonehavingittoknowahousefromahorsebytheroofonthehouse.Itsnatureandlawshavebeen exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who

livedinahorse.

UNITARIAN,n.OnewhodeniesthedivinityofaTrinitarian.

UNIVERSALIST,n.OnewhoforgoestheadvantageofaHellforpersonsofanotherfaith.

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe todwellersinallcitiesbutNewYork.Itscommonestexpressionisheardinthewords, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistentwith disregard of therightsofothers.

USAGE,n.TheFirstPersonoftheliteraryTrinity, theSecondandThirdbeingCustomandConventionality. Imbuedwith a decent reverence for thisHolyTriadanindustriouswritermayhopetoproducebooksthatwillliveaslongasthefashion.

UXORIOUSNESS,n.Apervertedaffectionthathasstrayedtoone'sownwife.

V

VALOR,n.Asoldierlycompoundofvanity,dutyandthegambler'shope.

"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division andChickamauga,whohadorderedacharge;"moveforward,sir,atonce."

"General,"saidthecommanderofthedelinquentbrigade,"Iampersuadedthatany furtherdisplayofvalorbymy troopswillbring them intocollisionwiththeenemy."

VANITY,n.Thetributeofafooltotheworthofthenearestass.

VIRTUES,n.pl.Certainabstentions.

VITUPERATION,n.Satire,asunderstoodbyduncesandallsuchassufferfromanimpedimentintheirwit.

VOTE,n.Theinstrumentandsymbolofafreeman'spowertomakeafoolofhimselfandawreckofhiscountry.

W

W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous

name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of theRomanalphabetovertheGrecianisthemorevaluedafteraudiblyspellingoutsomesimpleGreekword,likeepixoriambikos.Still,itisnowthoughtbythelearnedthatotheragenciesthanthedifferenceofthetwoalphabetsmayhavebeenconcerned in thedeclineof"theglory thatwasGreece"and theriseof"the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that bysimplifying the name ofW (calling it "wow," for example) our civilizationcouldbe,ifnotpromoted,atleastbetterendured.

WALLSTREET,n.Asymbolofsinforeverydevil torebuke.ThatWallStreet is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief inplace of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and goodAndrewCarnegie hasmadehisprofessionoffaithinthematter.

WAR,n.Aby-productof theartsofpeace.Themostmenacingpoliticalconditionisaperiodofinternationalamity.Thestudentofhistorywhohasnotbeentaughttoexpecttheunexpectedmayjustlyboasthimselfinaccessibletothe light. "In time of peace prepare for war" has a deepermeaning than iscommonlydiscerned;itmeans,notmerelythatallthingsearthlyhaveanend—thatchangeistheoneimmutableandeternallaw—butthatthesoilofpeaceisthicklysownwiththeseedsofwarandsingularlysuitedtotheirgerminationand growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasuredome"—when, that is to say, therewerepeaceand fat feasting inXanadu—thatheheardfromafar

Ancestralvoicesprophesyingwar.

Oneofthegreatestofpoets,Coleridgewasoneofthewisestofmen,anditwas not for nothing that he read us this parable.Let us have a little less of"handsacross thesea,"anda littlemoreof thatelementaldistrust that is thesecurityofnations.Warlovestocomelikeathiefinthenight;professionsofeternalamityprovidethenight.

WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged theprivilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. Injusticetohimitshouldbesaidthathedidnotwantto.

WEAKNESSES,n.pl.CertainprimalpowersofTyrantWomanwherewithsheholdsdominionoverthemaleofherspecies,bindinghimtotheserviceofherwillandparalyzinghisrebelliousenergies.

WEATHER,n.Theclimateofthehour.Apermanenttopicofconversationamongpersonswhomitdoesnotinterest,butwhohaveinheritedthetendencytochatterabout it fromnakedarborealancestorswhomitkeenlyconcerned.The setting up officialweather bureaus and theirmaintenance inmendacityprovethatevengovernmentsareaccessibletosuasionbytherudeforefathers

ofthejungle.

WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to becomeone, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to becomesupportable.

WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. Allwerewolvesareofevildisposition,havingassumedabestialformtogratifyabeastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as isconsistentwithanacquiredtasteforhumanflesh.

SomeBavarianpeasantshavingcaughtawolfoneevening,tiedittoapostby the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatlyperplexed,theyconsultedthelocalpriest,whotoldthemthattheircaptivewasundoubtedly awerewolf and had resumed its human form during the night."Thenexttimethatyoutakeawolf,"thegoodmansaid,"seethatyouchainitbytheleg,andinthemorningyouwillfindaLutheran."

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; anunexpectedafflictionthatstrikeshard.

WHEAT,n.Acereal fromwhicha tolerablygoodwhiskycanwithsomedifficultybemade,andwhichisusedalsoforbread.TheFrencharesaidtoeatmorebreadpercapitaofpopulation thananyotherpeople,which isnatural,foronlytheyknowhowtomakethestuffpalatable.

WHITE,adj.andn.Black.

WIDOW,n.Apathetic figure that theChristianworldhasagreed to takehumorously,althoughChrist'stendernesstowardswidowswasoneofthemostmarkedfeaturesofhischaracter.

WINE,n.Fermentedgrape-juiceknown to theWomen'sChristianUnionas"liquor,"sometimesas"rum."Wine,madam,isGod'snextbestgifttoman.

WIT,n.ThesaltwithwhichtheAmericanhumoristspoilshisintellectualcookerybyleavingitout.

WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked leaguewith thedevil. (2)Abeautifulandattractiveyoungwoman, inwickednessaleaguebeyondthedevil.

WITTICISM, n.A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldomnoted;whatthePhilistineispleasedtocalla"joke."

WOMAN,n.

AnanimalusuallylivinginthevicinityofMan,andhavingarudimentarysusceptibilitytodomestication.Itiscreditedbymanyoftheelderzoologistswithacertainvestigialdocilityacquiredinaformerstateofseclusion,but

naturalistsofthepostsusananthonyperiod,havingnoknowledgeoftheseclusion,denythevirtueanddeclarethatsuchascreation'sdawnbeheld,itroarethnow.Thespeciesisthemostwidelydistributedofallbeastsofprey,infestingallhabitablepartsoftheglobe,fromGreenland'sspicymountainstoIndia'smoralstrand.Thepopularname(wolfman)isincorrect,forthecreatureisofthecatkind.Thewomanislitheandgracefulinitsmovement,especiallytheAmericanvariety(felispugnans),isomnivorousandcanbetaughtnottotalk.

BalthasarPober

WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the rawmaterial. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and theGrantarium.Worms'-meat isusuallyoutlastedby thestructure thathouses it,but "this toomust pass away."Probably the silliestwork inwhich a humanbeingcanengage isconstructionofa tombforhimself.Thesolemnpurposecannotdignify,butonlyaccentuatesbycontrasttheforeknownfutility.

WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction andfinefinishofDeusCreatus.Apopularformofabjection,havinganelementofpride.

WRATH,n.Angerofasuperiorqualityanddegree,appropriatetoexaltedcharacters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day ofwrath,"etc.Amongsttheancientsthewrathofkingswasdeemedsacred,foritcouldusually command the agencyof somegod for its fitmanifestation, ascouldalsothatofapriest.TheGreeksbeforeTroyweresoharriedbyApollothattheyjumpedoutofthefrying-panofthewrathofChrysesintothefireofthewrathofAchilles,thoughAgamemnon,thesoleoffender,wasneitherfriednorroasted.AsimilarnotedimmunitywasthatofDavidwhenheincurredthewrathofYahvehbynumberinghispeople,seventythousandofwhompaidthepenalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of the censusperformshisworkwithoutapprehensionofdisaster.

X

Xinouralphabetbeinganeedlessletterhasanaddedinvincibilitytotheattacksofthespellingreformers,andlikethem,willdoubtlesslastaslongasthe language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words asXmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popular supposed, because itrepresentsacross,butbecausethecorrespondingletterintheGreekalphabetistheinitialofhisname—Xristos.Ifitrepresentedacrossitwouldstandfor

St. Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra ofpsychologyxstandsforWoman'smind.WordsbeginningwithXareGrecianandwillnotbedefinedinthisstandardEnglishdictionary.

Y

YANKEE,n.InEurope,anAmerican.IntheNorthernStatesofourUnion,a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (SeeDAMNYANK.)

YEAR,n.Aperiodofthreehundredandsixty-fivedisappointments.

YESTERDAY,n.Theinfancyofyouth, theyouthofmanhood, theentirepastofage.

ItissaidthatinhislastillnessthepoetArnegriffwasattendedatdifferenttimesbysevendoctors.

YOKE,n.An implement,madam, towhoseLatinname, jugum,weoweoneofthemostilluminatingwordsinourlanguage—awordthatdefinesthematrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. A thousandapologiesforwithholdingit.

YOUTH,n.ThePeriodofPossibility,whenArchimedesfindsafulcrum,CassandrahasafollowingandsevencitiescompeteforthehonorofendowingalivingHomer.

Z

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated withludicrousincompetencethebuffone,orclown,andwasthereforetheapeofanape;fortheclownhimselfimitatedtheseriouscharactersoftheplay.Thezanywasprogenitortothespecialistinhumor,asweto-dayhavetheunhappinesstoknowhim.Inthezanyweseeanexampleofcreation; inthehumorist,oftransmission. Another excellent specimen of themodern zany is the curate,whoapestherector,whoapesthebishop,whoapesthearchbishop,whoapesthedevil.

ZANZIBARI,n.AninhabitantoftheSultanateofZanzibar,offtheeasterncoast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in thiscountry through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few years

ago. TheAmerican consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that faced thesea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this official'sfamily,andagainstrepeatedremonstrancesoftheofficialhimself,thepeopleof thecitypersisted inusing thebeachforbathing.Onedayawomancamedowntotheedgeofthewaterandwasstoopingtoremoveherattire(apairofsandals)when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. Unfortunately for theexistingententecordialebetweentwogreatnations,shewastheSultana.

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young andinexperienced.Apassionthatgoethbeforeasprawl.

ZENITH,n.Thepointintheheavensdirectlyoverheadtoamanstandingoragrowingcabbage.Amaninbedoracabbageinthepotisnotconsideredas having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once aconsiderablydissentamongthelearned,someholdingthatthepostureofthebody was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists, their opponents,Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus,thephilosopher-kingofAbara,azealousVerticalist.Enteringanassemblyofphilosopherswhoweredebatingthematter,hecastaseveredhumanheadatthe feetofhisopponents andasked them todetermine its zenith, explainingthatitsbodywashangingbytheheelsoutside.Observingthatitwastheheadoftheirleader,theHorizontalistshastenedtoprofessthemselvesconvertedtowhateveropiniontheCrownmightbepleasedtohold,andHorizontalismtookitsplaceamongfidesdefuncti.

ZEUS,n.ThechiefofGreciangods,adoredbytheRomansasJupiterandbythemodernAmericansasGod,Gold,MobandDog.Someexplorerswhohave touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to havepenetratedaconsiderabledistancetotheinterior,havethoughtthatthesefournames stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work onSurvivingFaiths,Frumppinsiststhatthenativesaremonotheists,eachhavingnoothergodthanhimself,whomheworshipsundermanysacrednames.

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as onecarryingthewhiteman'sburden.(Fromzed,z,andjag,anIcelandicwordofunknownmeaning.)

ZOOLOGY,n.Thescienceandhistoryof theanimalkingdom,includingits king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta). The father of Zoology wasAristotle,asisuniversallyconceded,butthenameofitsmotherhasnotcomedowntous.Twoofthescience'smostillustriousexpounderswereBuffonandOliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we learn (L'Histoire generale desanimauxandAHistoryofAnimatedNature)that thedomesticcowshedsitshorneverytwoyears.

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