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DON’T GET KNOCKED OFF YOUR DON’T GET KNOCKED OFF YOUR

How to Deal With “Challenging” aka Difficult PeoplePresented by Julie Owens, Case Manager Generalist, USDC MIED

How to Deal With “Challenging” aka Difficult PeoplePresented by Julie Owens, Case Manager Generalist, USDC MIED

TAKE WHAT YOU NEED… We are going to be here a while

IF IT DOESN’T CHALLENGE

YOU, IT WON’T

CHANGE YOU

DIFFICULT(PEOPLE ARE)

NOT DIFFICULT

UNTILSOMEONE ELSE

BELIEVESTHAT THEY ARE

- Leadership Coach, Inc.

DIFFICULT1. hard to understand or solve

2. hard to deal with or get on with

3. hard to persuade or induce; stubborn

4. hard to deal with, manage, or overcome

CHALLENGING 1. offering a challenge; testing one's ability, endurance

2. stimulating, interesting, and thought-provoking

3. provocative; intriguing

4. arousing competitive interest, thought, or action

Difficult vs. ChallengingDifficult vs. Challenging• Avoid them• Ignore them• Don’t listen• Make excuses• Say something crazy• Get loud

When I interact with Difficult People I ___________. (fill in the blank)

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Difficult People make me feel ____________. (fill in the blank)

• Like screaming• Sick• Miserable• Nervous• Intimidated• Confused

• Angry• Defensive• Stressed• Insecure• Frustrated• Resentful

Praying for them and myself

In the words of a pastor…Difficult PeopleIn the words of a pastor…Difficult People

1. Have the nerve to say what everyone else is thinking

2. Can help you to develop thick skin

3. Can reveal your insecurities

4. Can make you clarify what you are doing

5. Can show you when you are doing something right

6. Can create supporters

7. Can make you a better boss and a better employee

8. You are someone’s difficult person

DIFFERENCES CAN CREATE DIFFICULTYDIFFERENCES CAN CREATE DIFFICULTY

We naturally gravitate towards people with whom we share common experiences and perspectives.

Difficulties arise when we interact with people with different perspectives and experiences other than our own.

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• We can learn from difficult people

• They can help us grow our strengths

• They can teach us to be compassionate/empathetic

• They can empower you

• They can mirror your own issues

• They help you to improve your communication skills

Why is this important? I really don’t care.Why is this important? I really don’t care.

If the difficult person is your boss, you can’t wish them away

Your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it will usually get worse

Deciding to accept the person’s BEHAVIOR long term is not an option

Some more reasons…

When you are angry your ability to addressthe person becomes irrational

It is not the PERSON.It is the BEHAVIOR!

What is difficult behavior? In one word pleaseWhat is difficult behavior? In one word please

• Stubborn• Passive• Aggressive• Sarcastic• Complaining

• Nitpicky• Accommodating• Irritating• Procrastination• Obnoxious

Why are they or YOU so Darn Difficult?1. Tired, frustrated or ill

2. Confused or overwhelmed

3. Defending ego or self esteem

4. Have never been in a similar situation before

5. Feel ignored and that no one has listened to them

6. Have been treated poorly in similar circumstances in the past

7. Are in a bad mood and take it out on others

8. Remind us of a difficult person or situation in our past

9. They see the world differently from the way we do

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The Other SideDid You Know Difficult People Are Also…

• Nice• Generous• Helpful• Family• Funny• Co-workers• Understanding

• Trustworthy• Outgoing• Your best friend• Judges• Passionate• Managers

• You

Things that Knock You Off Your

Emotional TriggersEmotional Triggers

Emotional triggers make you act outside your normal self.

NORMAL

NOT NORMAL !

HOT BUTTON PUSHED….HOT BUTTON PUSHED….

WHEN YOU ARE• Asked to do something you do not want to do• Taking orders from authority figures• Having someone else control you or your time• Lacking the confidence to say ‘No’• Being ignored or discounted• Someone is being needy

HOT BUTTON PUSHED….HOT BUTTON PUSHED….WHEN• Someone is being unavailable• Someone is being harsh or critical• Someone is blaming you• Someone is giving you a “look”• Someone is appearing not happy to see you• Someone is rejecting you or your idea

WHEN YOU ARE NOTAcceptedRespectedChallenged

IncludedTreated fairlyUnderstood

SafeLikedRight

HOT BUTTON PUSHED….HOT BUTTON PUSHED….

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Julie and the Difficult Judge and Jury

Julie and the Difficult Judge and Jury

REACTING v. RESPONDINGREACTING v. RESPONDING

RESPONDINGHappens by CHOICE – It is what we DO

THINKING INVOLVEDREACTING

Happens naturally AND automatically - It is how we FEEL

NO THINKING INVOLVED

breathe…

IT’S YOU NOT THEM…IT’S YOU NOT THEM…

Think about it…Think about it…

Difficult people don’t think they are difficult; they view the other person as difficult because they

are standing between what they want, need or believe.

Is my perception of the situation or person accurate?

Am I over-reacting?

If I was in their shoes would I act like them or be worse?

Am I reacting or responding?

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A new standard of reasonable doubt: BENEFIT OF DOUBT

A new standard of reasonable doubt: BENEFIT OF DOUBT

Giving a person the benefit of the doubt DOES NOT MEAN that you:

• Approve of their behavior or accept things as they are.• Excuse unacceptable behavior.• Pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.• Are prevented from taking action later.

A new standard of reasonable doubt: BENEFIT OF DOUBT

A new standard of reasonable doubt: BENEFIT OF DOUBT

Giving a person the benefit of the doubt DOES MEAN that you:

• Are willing to consider the possibility that you don’t have all the facts. • Are willing to extend your goodwill to the other person until all the

evidence is in.• Practice the same principle in your life that applies in a court of law:

Difficult people are innocent until proven difficult

All Rise!You be the JUDGE

and the JURY

Self - Examination1. What opinion do you have about the person who is being difficult?

2. What is the basis for your opinion?

3. How does your opinion impact your relationship with them?

4. What information or actions, if any, may change your current opinion?

5. What opinion do you have of yourself in this relationship?

6. If you did not have this particular judgment about them, would things be different between you two?

The Verdict is?Guilty or Not Guilty

of Being Difficult

Have you seen these challenging people?Have you seen these challenging people?

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DictatorAccomplices: Sniper & Exploder

Accused of being:Intimidating

Aggressive

Demanding

Critical

Arrogant

TAKEN DOWN BY:

• Standing up to them

• Stating your opinion

• Remaining calm and focused

ComplainerAccomplice: The Negativist

Accused of being:Finding Fault With Everything

Negative & Nitpicking

Accusatory

Inflexible

TAKEN DOWN BY:• Focusing on problem solving

• Listening

• Identifying specifics

• Not getting drawn in

• Not accepting blame or making excuses

Know it AllAccomplice: The Perfectionist

Accused of:Being an expert on EVERYTHING

Being Perfect and Nitpicky

Being Condescending

Frequently Right

Stubborn

APPREHENDED BY:• Listening

• Knowing your stuff

• Acknowledging their expertise

• Separating the issues

• Questioning without confrontation and with competence

The Yes PersonAccused of:

Never saying NO

Overcommitting

Being overly attentive

Not following through

TAKEN DOWN BY:• Leaving wiggle room

Making it safe for them to be honest

• Summarizing and being clear about your expectations

The ClamAccused of:

Having little or nothing to say

Responds with yes, no or grunts

Never knowing where they stand

TAKEN DOWN BY:• Asking open ended questions

• Being attentive when they speak

• Not filling silence with idle chatter

The StallerAccomplice: Passive Aggressive

Accused of:Being indecisive

Procrastinating

Being Perfectionists

Beating around the bush

Distrustful

TAKEN DOWN BY:• Honest communication

Keep out to the decision process, if possible

• Not pushing too hard

• Listening for indecision and hesitation

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INTENTIONS, INTENTIONS…INTENTIONS, INTENTIONS…

INTENTIONS, INTENTIONS…INTENTIONS, INTENTIONS…

MOTIVATION

MOTIVATION

MOTIVATION

MOTIVATION

Just Kidding, Seriously How to Stay on Your Square

Just Kidding, Seriously How to Stay on Your Square

Communication is 55%how it looks, 38% how it sounds,

and only 7% what is said

Ineffective communication causes conflict, defensiveness, and worsens relationships.

Common reactions to ineffective communication include the three “F”s:

Where we are more likely to either:

FIGHT an ineffective communicator;

take FLIGHT from an ineffective communicator; or

FREEZE emotionally

Communication is Key Communication is Key “Trouble comes from the mouth.” —Chinese Proverb

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The “Cares” of CommunicationThe “Cares” of CommunicationCARE-LESS: Insensitive aka Arrogant CommunicationCommunicating by ignoring the perspective or values of the other person.

CARE-FUL: Submissive aka Wimpy CommunicationCommunicating by giving priority to the other person’s perspective or values.

CARING: Sensitive aka Respectful CommunicationCommunicating without an attitude. Respecting the other person’s perspective while acknowledging your own.

ACCEPTANCE the Double Edged SwordACCEPTANCE the Double Edged Sword

ACCEPTANCEIs a double edged sword because

Acceptance can encourage the behavior if not addressed

or

Acceptance is the outcome after addressing the behavior.

WTH ?

THE BIG “THREE”THE BIG “THREE”

1. You can change the situation

2. You can change yourself

3. You cannot change the other person

How to Deal and Not KillHow to Deal and Not Kill

• Stay calm

• Understand your reactions

• Recognize that all people and situations are not the same

• Prepare for the encounter, if possible

THE DON’TsTHE DON’Ts

• Take it personal

• Blame the person

• Ignore the behavior

• Fight fire with fire

• Psychoanalyze the person

• Let it simmer or boil over

• Forget your manners

THE DO’sTHE DO’s

• Listen • Use Humor• Address the behavior (and I don’t mean a duel)• Be respectful• Keep it private• BREATHE

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THE DO’sTHE DO’s

• A reality check – Is it you?• Focus on the behavior • Provide a framework for the behavior• Respond instead of REACTING• Keep your opinion to yourself• Pick your battles

Get it …DoneRightAlong

Appreciated

You can’t change them – You can only change you

Saying or doing something you don’t like doesn’t make a person difficult

Ask yourself could it be me?

Your normal is NOT their normal

You are someone’s DIFFICULT person

HEY, REMEMBER THIS?How much do you need now?

Finally…

You can’t spell

CHALLENGE

without

CHANGE

If you’re going to rise to the challenge you have to

be prepared to

CHANGE

“Difficult people are the greatest teachers.”— Pema Chödrön

Giving Credit Where Credit is DueMerrimam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

“Stressbusters: Dealing With Difficult People”, http://slideshare.net

“Difficult People “Are Difficult People Just Different", http://power-hour.co.uk - Bite Size Training Materials

Dealing with Difficult People, Ken Pierce

“How to Deal With Difficult People” – Skillpath Publications

Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, Dr. Rick Brinkman & Dr. Rick Kirschner

People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys, Mike Bechtle,

“Coping with Stallers”, JD Meier, http://sourcesofinsight.com/coping-with-stallers/

Coping with Difficult People, Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D

“Understanding and managing your emotional triggers”, Coaching Positive Performance, http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/understanding-managing-emotional-triggers/

“Working With Difficult People”, http://literacy.kent.edu/salt_fork/work_people/abc_resolution.html

“How to Deal With Difficult People at Work”, Susan M. Heathfieldhttp://thebalance.com/how-to-deal-with-difficult-people-at-work-1919377

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due“15 Proven Ways to Deal With Difficult People”, Arnold Sanow, http://leadersbeacon.com/15-proven-ways-to-deal-with-difficult-people/

“7 Reasons Why Difficult People Are Not a Threat”, Barry Winbolt, http://barrywinbolt.com/why-difficult-people-are-not-a-threat

“7 Secrets for Dealing With Difficult People and Overcoming Interpersonal Conflicts at Work”, Peter Liebman, https://careermuscles.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/7-secrets-for-dealing-with-difficult-people-and-overcoming-interpersonal-conflicts-at-work-written-by-career-expert-pete-leibman/

7 Reasons “Difficult” People Exist [And What Can You Do About It], Joanna Zajusz, http://positivelyrebellious.com/why-do-difficult-people-exist

“Ten Keys to Handling Unreasonable & Difficulty People, 10 Strategies for Handling Aggressive or Problem Personalities”, Preston Ni M.S.B.A., https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/preston-ni-msba

“10 Things I’ve Learned from Difficult People”, Steve Dunmire, http://archives.relevantmagazine.com/life/10-things-i%E2%80%99ve-learned-difficult-people

“Discover Your Emotional Triggers”, Marcia Reynolds, https://outsmartyourbrain.com/find-your-emotional-triggers-on-this-list/