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THEDISCOMFORT ZONE
How to Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthrough Moments
What people want and expect from their leaders is
evolving with the changing world.
What are the key leadership skills now?
Source: Human Capital Institute
Adaptability
Problem-SolvingSkills
CommunicationSkills
Empathy
Coaching Skills
What employees want
What managers think
WHY COACHING WORKS
Most people Most people Most people Most people –––– especially especially especially especially the the the the millennialsmillennialsmillennialsmillennials ---- want to think for want to think for want to think for want to think for themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.
What are the most important leadership skills?
I’m not looking to be led…
I’m looking for a leader who will listen to me, honor me, and partner with me to meet my goals and grow.
Who does most of the talking? What are the results?
Recall someone who prompted you
to change your behavior forever.
What did they say or do?
What emotions prompted you to change?
The best leaders and coaches
make us feel unsure of
ourselves.
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
If most people want to grow and develop, what
options do you have?
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds,
not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
When do you have a Discomfort Zone Conversation?
17Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
When a
competent
person is
stuck…=
…and they need a
transformational,
not transactional,
conversation with
you.
Courageous Coaching
Coaching is the most effective
technology for transforming self and
changing behavior.
How Humans Learn New Behaviors
How Humans Learn
Cortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/Thinking
BrainBrainBrainBrainFact-based learning
Short-term memory
How Humans Learn
Without considerable repetition, words must prompt
strong emotions to be remembered. The emotions
say to your brain,
“Look at me! Remember this!!”
But information often doesn’t
change behavior.
Reptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainFear-based Learning
Motor Skills
What we learn from fear is nearly
impossible to change.
How Humans Learn
How Humans Learn
Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/
Social Brain Social Brain Social Brain Social Brain Long-Term Memory
Emotions
Ego
©Covisioning www.outsmartyourbrain.com
How Humans Learn
How Humans Learn
"We don't see things as they are, we see
things as we are." - Anais Nin
Behavioral learning
happens when what we
are told either supports
what we believe
OR
Learning happens when
the protective barrier
breaks down and we see
ourselves and the world
around us differently..
What Triggers Behavioral Learning?
A surprising fact,
a disruptive reflection, or
a powerful question.
What Triggers Behavioral Learning?
Transformation:When the light of awareness breaks
through…
Transformation:…you see a new truth or gain a new
insight about your self and the world
around you.
Transformation:Learning happens in the moment of
uncertainty, and even some
discomfort.
Transformation in Coaching:The new truth, new meaning comes
from a break in knowing so learning
can occur.
When how someone defines
themselves and the world changes, so does their behavior.
Reflective Inquiry =
• Behavior changes
• People learn to think more broadly for themselves
• There is greater possibility for creative thinking
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
Why Coaching Works
How do you listen for
what to say?
Part II -
3 Levels of Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
Me and you
3 Levels of Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
I and It
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Julien Treasure’s formula for listening:
RRRR Receive
AAAA Appreciate
SSSS Summarise (and reflect)
AAAA Ask (to clarify)
Level 2 Listening
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
Level 3 Listening
One
• What I am thinking
Two
• What they are saying
Three
• What they haven’t said
Assumptions/Beliefs, Values, Desires, Needs, Doubts,
Fears, Attachments
I and Thou
Level 3 Listening
Listen for assumptions/beliefs, desires, needs,
conflicting values, fears, attachments.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies
require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as
coaching.coaching.coaching.coaching.
If you can
discover what is
triggering the
emotion, you will
open the door to
new possibilities.
Being Self-Aware
Emotional Triggers
Acceptance Respect Credibility
Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood
Appreciation Attention Feel Needed
Be Right Accuracy Control
Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet
Freedom New Challenges Independence
Order Predictability Balance
Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked
Acceptance Respect Credibility
Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood
Appreciation Attention Feel Needed
Be Right Accuracy Control
Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet
Freedom New Challenges Independence
Order Predictability Balance
Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked
Emotional Triggers
Exercise
Share your top three triggers and
what happens when they are sparked.
Being Self-Aware
Step One: Be Alert To Your Reactions
Step Two: Discover Why
Step Three: See the Options
a. Ask for what you need
b. Acknowledge what is out of your control.
c. Discover what you can do to get your need met.
Exercise:
What is the Trigger
Please work together in groups of 4-5.
1. One person describes their challenging situation
2. Each person at the table suggests what is triggering the
person’s reaction.
3. The person picks one trigger and chooses a new response
for future situations
4. Rotate so everyone has a chance to share their situation.
Do not try to fix the situation. DO NOT give any solutions or suggestions.
This ends of the first day of our journey.
Tonight, notice how you listen.
Notice what triggers you to stop
listening.
See if you can shift to listening more
deeply.
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What stoodWhat stoodWhat stoodWhat stood out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?
What What What What can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills
into into into into your your your your conversations conversations conversations conversations in in in in the future?the future?the future?the future?
Coaching Group
LEADING & COACHING THROUGH THE
DISCOMFORT ZONE
Day 2
Please sit with new people
What are you noticing about your listening?
Day 2:
Check-In
Safety Bubble
Conversation Intention
Emotional Tone
Highest Regard
The Discomfort Zone
Their discomfort ranges from slight to
profound; you just need to hold the space for
discovery to take place.
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body
DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts
CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself
FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You
Want to Be
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Relax
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
Breathe
and Release
the Tension
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
Detach
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Center
FOCUS
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Shifting Your Emotions
RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body
DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts
CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself
FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You
Want to Be
Part III.
Listening Below the Surface
WHAT IS INTUITION?
Processing Centers in the Nervous System
Heart
Gut
Head
Curiosity
(brain)
Beliefs & assumptions,
about “what is true”
Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
Care
(heart)
Desires, Values…
Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
Doubt based on disappointments,
betrayal
What do they want or need that they don’t expect
to get now?
Courage
(gut)
Fears, Attachments (can’t let go)
What are they afraid they won’t get, angry they
didn’t get, or what they can’t let go of
because it was important to their
ego?
Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
Care
(heart)Courage
(gut)
Curiosity
(brain)
Listen to Your Three
Centers When Making
Decisions
Care
(heart)Courage
(gut)
Curiosity
(brain)
Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
Was one area
harder to listen
from than the
others?
DONDONDONDON’’’’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG
Care
Courage
Curiosity
Listening to Your Three
Centers in Conversation
Coherence (presence)
Intention (for them)
Empathy (receiving)
To change people’s
minds…
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
Coaching – Observing the stories and
patterns that create what the person holds
as “reality” and then determining what
they really need and want.
Meaning-making machine
How Humans Learn About Themselves
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com
THEN, reflect and ask about the assumptions,
beliefs, values, desires, fears, and unspoken
needs that create the barrier to getting what
they need and want.
How Humans Learn About Themselves
Force-Field that protects meaning
Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
Demonstration
Practice
Receive, not just listen
Coach the person, not the external problem or other people
Have them articulate the new awareness and what
appears to be true.
When you start the
conversation…
AID feedback model
A Action (their behavior)
I Impact (on work or others)
D Desired outcome (what you
want for them that they want
too)
Full-Body Presence
Conversation Intention
Emotional Tone
Respect
Handling Resistance
Emotional Triggers
Most often in conversations at work, people react
when they feel they are losing:
Credibility, reputation or respect
A sense of control or predictability (success)
Fairness
Being right (or being made wrong and looking stupid)
Independence (autonomy) and Freedom
Being liked
Get them to stop and
think about their
thinking.
To change people’s minds…
Reflect and ask questions so they
question themselves.
Help them articulate what else could be
true and possible.
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Beginner’s Mind
In the Beginner’s Mind there are many possibilities,
in the expert, there are few.
-Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Beginner’s Mind
Give up knowing.
Be curious.
Open your heart and gut.
Part IV.
Your Courageous Coaching Development Plan
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a
part of your leadership part of your leadership part of your leadership part of your leadership
development?development?development?development?
Conversation Intention
Emotional Intention
Highest Regard
Your Plan
What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these
skills into the leadership skills into the leadership skills into the leadership skills into the leadership
conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?
Coaching Group
Your Plan
They want you to be present
more than they need you to be perfect!
www.OutsmartYourBrain.com
The best leaders make us feel
uncomfortable and unsure...
and then we grow.
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