The Discomfort Zone: How leaders turn difficult conversations into breakthroughs

THEDISCOMFORT ZONE

How to Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthrough Moments

What people want and expect from their leaders is

evolving with the changing world.

What are the key leadership skills now?

Source: Human Capital Institute

Adaptability

Problem-SolvingSkills

CommunicationSkills

Empathy

Coaching Skills

What employees want

What managers think

WHY COACHING WORKS

Most people Most people Most people Most people –––– especially especially especially especially the the the the millennialsmillennialsmillennialsmillennials ---- want to think for want to think for want to think for want to think for themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be themselves, they want to be developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well developed (mentally as well as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to as skills), and they want to feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.

What are the most important leadership skills?

I’m not looking to be led…

I’m looking for a leader who will listen to me, honor me, and partner with me to meet my goals and grow.

Who does most of the talking? What are the results?

Recall someone who prompted you

to change your behavior forever.

What did they say or do?

What emotions prompted you to change?

The best leaders and coaches

make us feel unsure of

ourselves.

© Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC [email protected]

If most people want to grow and develop, what

options do you have?

Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training


Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds, Coaching develops people’s minds,

not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.


When do you have a Discomfort Zone Conversation?

17Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training

When a

competent

person is

stuck…=

…and they need a

transformational,

not transactional,

conversation with

you.

Courageous Coaching

Coaching is the most effective

technology for transforming self and

changing behavior.

How Humans Learn New Behaviors

How Humans Learn

Cortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/Thinking

BrainBrainBrainBrainFact-based learning

Short-term memory

How Humans Learn

Without considerable repetition, words must prompt

strong emotions to be remembered. The emotions

say to your brain,

“Look at me! Remember this!!”

But information often doesn’t

change behavior.

Reptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainFear-based Learning

Motor Skills

What we learn from fear is nearly

impossible to change.

How Humans Learn

How Humans Learn

Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/

Social Brain Social Brain Social Brain Social Brain Long-Term Memory

Emotions

Ego

©Covisioning www.outsmartyourbrain.com

How Humans Learn

How Humans Learn

"We don't see things as they are, we see

things as we are." - Anais Nin

Behavioral learning

happens when what we

are told either supports

what we believe

OR

Learning happens when

the protective barrier

breaks down and we see

ourselves and the world

around us differently..

What Triggers Behavioral Learning?

A surprising fact,

a disruptive reflection, or

a powerful question.

What Triggers Behavioral Learning?

Transformation:When the light of awareness breaks

through…

Transformation:…you see a new truth or gain a new

insight about your self and the world

around you.

Transformation:Learning happens in the moment of

uncertainty, and even some

discomfort.

Transformation in Coaching:The new truth, new meaning comes

from a break in knowing so learning

can occur.

When how someone defines

themselves and the world changes, so does their behavior.

Reflective Inquiry =

• Behavior changes

• People learn to think more broadly for themselves

• There is greater possibility for creative thinking


Why Coaching Works

How do you listen for

what to say?

Part II -

3 Levels of Listening

One

• What I am thinking

Two

• What they are saying

Three

• What they haven’t said

Me and you

3 Levels of Listening

One


Two


Three


I and It


Julien Treasure’s formula for listening:

RRRR Receive

AAAA Appreciate

SSSS Summarise (and reflect)

AAAA Ask (to clarify)

Level 2 Listening


Level 3 Listening

One


Two


Three


Assumptions/Beliefs, Values, Desires, Needs, Doubts,

Fears, Attachments

I and Thou

Level 3 Listening

Listen for assumptions/beliefs, desires, needs,

conflicting values, fears, attachments.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG


The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies The new key leadership competencies

require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as require emotional intelligence as well as

coaching.coaching.coaching.coaching.

If you can

discover what is

triggering the

emotion, you will

open the door to

new possibilities.

Being Self-Aware

Emotional Triggers

Acceptance Respect Credibility

Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood

Appreciation Attention Feel Needed

Be Right Accuracy Control

Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet

Freedom New Challenges Independence

Order Predictability Balance

Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked

Acceptance Respect Credibility

Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood

Appreciation Attention Feel Needed

Be Right Accuracy Control

Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet

Freedom New Challenges Independence

Order Predictability Balance

Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked

Emotional Triggers

Exercise

Share your top three triggers and

what happens when they are sparked.

Being Self-Aware

Step One: Be Alert To Your Reactions

Step Two: Discover Why

Step Three: See the Options

a. Ask for what you need

b. Acknowledge what is out of your control.

c. Discover what you can do to get your need met.

Exercise:

What is the Trigger

Please work together in groups of 4-5.

1. One person describes their challenging situation

2. Each person at the table suggests what is triggering the

person’s reaction.

3. The person picks one trigger and chooses a new response

for future situations

4. Rotate so everyone has a chance to share their situation.

Do not try to fix the situation. DO NOT give any solutions or suggestions.

This ends of the first day of our journey.

Tonight, notice how you listen.

Notice what triggers you to stop

listening.

See if you can shift to listening more

deeply.

Conversation Intention

Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Your Plan

What stoodWhat stoodWhat stoodWhat stood out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?

What What What What can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills can you do to integrate these skills

into into into into your your your your conversations conversations conversations conversations in in in in the future?the future?the future?the future?

Coaching Group

LEADING & COACHING THROUGH THE

DISCOMFORT ZONE

Day 2

Please sit with new people

What are you noticing about your listening?

Day 2:

Check-In

Safety Bubble


Emotional Tone

Highest Regard

The Discomfort Zone

Their discomfort ranges from slight to

profound; you just need to hold the space for

discovery to take place.


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Shifting Your Emotions

RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body

DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts

CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself

FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You

Want to Be


Relax


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard


Breathe

and Release

the Tension


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard


Detach


Center

FOCUS




Emotional Intention

Highest Regard


RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body

DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts

CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself

FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You

Want to Be

Part III.

Listening Below the Surface

WHAT IS INTUITION?

Processing Centers in the Nervous System

Heart

Gut

Head

Curiosity

(brain)

Beliefs & assumptions,

about “what is true”

Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation

Care

(heart)

Desires, Values…


Doubt based on disappointments,

betrayal

What do they want or need that they don’t expect

to get now?

Courage

(gut)

Fears, Attachments (can’t let go)

What are they afraid they won’t get, angry they

didn’t get, or what they can’t let go of

because it was important to their

ego?


Care

(heart)Courage

(gut)

Curiosity

(brain)

Listen to Your Three

Centers When Making

Decisions

Care

(heart)Courage

(gut)

Curiosity

(brain)


Was one area

harder to listen

from than the

others?

DONDONDONDON’’’’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG

Care

Courage

Curiosity

Listening to Your Three

Centers in Conversation

Coherence (presence)

Intention (for them)

Empathy (receiving)

To change people’s

minds…


Coaching – Observing the stories and

patterns that create what the person holds

as “reality” and then determining what

they really need and want.

Meaning-making machine

How Humans Learn About Themselves



THEN, reflect and ask about the assumptions,

beliefs, values, desires, fears, and unspoken

needs that create the barrier to getting what

they need and want.

How Humans Learn About Themselves

Force-Field that protects meaning


Demonstration

Practice

Receive, not just listen

Coach the person, not the external problem or other people

Have them articulate the new awareness and what

appears to be true.

When you start the

conversation…

AID feedback model

A Action (their behavior)

I Impact (on work or others)

D Desired outcome (what you

want for them that they want

too)

Full-Body Presence


Emotional Tone

Respect

Handling Resistance

Emotional Triggers

Most often in conversations at work, people react

when they feel they are losing:

Credibility, reputation or respect

A sense of control or predictability (success)

Fairness

Being right (or being made wrong and looking stupid)

Independence (autonomy) and Freedom

Being liked

Get them to stop and

think about their

thinking.

To change people’s minds…

Reflect and ask questions so they

question themselves.

Help them articulate what else could be

true and possible.


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Beginner’s Mind

In the Beginner’s Mind there are many possibilities,

in the expert, there are few.

-Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind




Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Beginner’s Mind

Give up knowing.

Be curious.

Open your heart and gut.

Part IV.

Your Courageous Coaching Development Plan


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Your Plan

What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a What do you want to focus on as a

part of your leadership part of your leadership part of your leadership part of your leadership

development?development?development?development?


Emotional Intention

Highest Regard

Your Plan

What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these What can you do to integrate these

skills into the leadership skills into the leadership skills into the leadership skills into the leadership

conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?

Coaching Group

Your Plan

They want you to be present

more than they need you to be perfect!

www.OutsmartYourBrain.com

The best leaders make us feel

uncomfortable and unsure...

and then we grow.

Leadership & Management

The Discomfort Zone: How leaders turn difficult conversations into breakthroughs