Globes 2016

2016 Golden

Globes

The year of the ribcage

and the very-deep-V.

Jaimie Alexander I do like this - the dress is

unusual and dramatic, it works

with her colouring, and IT HAS

POCKETS.

But I do think there’s way too

much décolletage going on. The

slashed-to-the-waist thing is

just so tacky.

Jennifer Lawrence I just don’t even know what’s going

on here, let alone why anyone

would choose this when she

presumably has her pick of pretty

dresses. This is the first of several

frocks at this event that

prominently display the ribcage.

Also, I just have to add: she’s

only 25, and she already

looks like Ellen Barkin. I’d

like JLaw to dress younger.

Amber Heard Amber Heard really bugs me

because of her personality,

but I can’t deny that the

outside of her always looks

immaculate.

She’s the exact opposite of

Johnny Depp to look at.

Jane Fonda She looks like she’s been

swallowed by an oyster.

I can’t help

thinking this

would have

been lovely just

as a classic

ivory dress, à la

Angelina Jolie in

L’Wren Scott.

Eva Longoria I like this. If I sound

defensive, it’s because

nobody else seems to like

this. It has flowers, and little

sleeves. It ticks all the boxes!

I wish I was wearing it

right now!

Rachel McAdams After scrolling through a

string of very ugly dresses,

my face lit up when I

glimpsed this one. I love a

good wallpaper-print dress.

Georgina Chapman Is it too early in awards

season to predict that

Marchesa might be finally

finding it’s niche? This floaty

frock looks extremely pretty

up close.

Sarah Hay I don’t know who Sarah Hay

is, but my inner princess really

loves this ethereal Marchesa.

It has birds on it!

Apparently a lot of

commentators thought this

looked awful, but I’m sticking

with my first impression (that

she looks like Hans Christian

Anderson’s Little Mermaid

emerging from a blue mist).

Jennifer Lopez I actually love this frock, and

Jlo looked uncharacteristically

chic and understated in it. No

severe updo, no hoop earrings,

no need for double-sided tape.

But this is the only picture I

could find where she wasn’t

sticking her leg out. When will

people stop doing that?

Amy Schumer Big starchy ballgowns

aren’t usually my thing,

but this actually looked

okay in photos, especially

with the strappy shoes

and soft hair.

It didn’t look as good

when she moved around

in it.

Sophia Bush This looks like shapewear.

There’s nothing interesting

about it whatsoever.

Olivia Palermo Olivia Palermo is one of

those people who always

looks better than me, but

may be a sycophantic social

climber in real life. I’m

basing this on things I’ve

read on the internet.

I like the shape of this dress,

but the pattern on the

bodice looks like an

anatomical illustration.

Kate Bosworth I usually make an allowance for

one super-sparkly dress per

event, and this one makes the

grade. The rose colour is just

very pretty, and it fits and

drapes beautifully.

Boys need to stop wearing suits

with racing stripes though.

Gina Rodriguez While I do love navy on the

red carpet, and I can’t find

anything technically wrong

with this, it’s just a fairly

ordinary formal gown, isn’t it?

Like something one might

choose for a debutante ball?

Am I being unfair?

Brie Larson See? Everybody is

accessorising with their

ribcage this year.

Jenna Dewan Tatum

This is quite stunning, but

again, too low cut. I’m just

not convinced that triangle of

flesh below the bust and

above the abdomen is

attractive enough to be

highlighted with a

very-deep-V.

Kiki Dunst Well this isn’t even a triangle

of flesh, it’s a rectangle.

I like the concept of black

velvet, but the square shoulder

straps and the string across

the top make Kirsten look

neckless. I just don’t like it.

Emilia Clarke I hate everything about this.

MAYBE if she chose either the

cape OR the…(bib? Dickey?

Tuxedo front?) But definitely

not both, and definitely not

with that severe demi-beehive.

She looks like she should be

playing the pipe organ in some

gothic cathedral.

Amanda Peet Amanda Peet is actually really

pretty, and she has nice hair. I

can’t understand why she

can’t get it together on the red

carpet.

Cate Blanchett Sadly, there’s nothing about

Cate’s look I like. The

asymmetrical bob, the weird

shape on the front which

looks like a diagram of her

internal organs, the icy pink

colour and the drapey fringey

bits…how many unicorns had

to die to make this?

Rooney Mara Just once I’d like to see Rooney

Mara wearing yellow or orange

or bright pink and SMILING.

This looks like it feel apart in the

washing machine.

Saffron Burrows Saffron Burrows was there!

The dress is nothing special,

but she looks amazing in it.

Viola Davis Marchesa really knocked it out

of the park this year. Viola

Davis looks like the sky.

I love it.

Taraji P Henson In all her pictures, Taraji

was either sticking her

chest out and arching her

brows or holding her train

up in the air or otherwise

doing something weird.

Laverne Cox That’s how you pose in a

white dress.

Julianne Moore The tangled strappy neckline

really messes up what could

have been a flawless look.

Zendaya Does she have a last name?

The fabric is actually lovely,

but I loathe this style of skirt.

It always makes me think of a

toilet brush. With a standard

full skirt it would have been

stunning.

Alicia Vikander This is a low-res pic, but I

wanted you to see the back,

because it really makes the

dress.

It’s Louis Vuitton, and I think

it’s pretty. Alicia Vikander

always looks European and

effortless and childlike.

Olivia Wilde Meh. The colour is undeniably

great, but it looks like

something Jennifer Aniston

might have worn in the

1990’s. And her hair looks

drab. I don’t know. She’s

looked better.

Jason Sudeikis …and it’s a big fat no from me

on the shoes.

Katy Perry Ugh. I don’t even know where

to start. This looks homemade.

Why is she even at this event?

Edit: I watched a very awkward

exchange with Jennifer

Lawrence and Katy Perry on the

red carpet, in which Katy was

childish and ridiculous and Jlaw

sounded like a concerned

parent in comparison.

Kate Hudson NOPE.

Lady Gaga I find it hard to be

objective about Lady Gaga

because I don’t like her.

Heidi Klum Ostrich feathers almost always

say “mutton dressed as lamb,”

unless they’re on actual

ostriches.

Heidi just really needs a new

stylist.

P.S. It’s Marchesa. I really

thought they’d left the ugly

stuff behind.

Bryce Dallas Howard

I think there’s too much going

on here or something. Bryce

has a really beautiful face and

it’s just swamped by all these

sequins.

Joanne Froggatt This has potential. The

periwinkle shade is really

pretty, and the skirt is great.

And you wouldn’t want the

neckline to be TOO

conservative, or she’d look

dowdy. But this looks like it’s

already slipped south a couple

of inches, and the bodice is

held together with illusion

netting, which looks weird up

close.

Melissa Benoist I don’t know who Melissa

Benoist is either, but this also

has tiny birds on it, and it’s

one of my favourites.

I wish more celebs understood

that you don’t have to go big

to be memorable.

America Ferrera I always love yellow, but I also

always hate formal

turtlenecks. I don’t dislike this,

but I wish the neckline was

different.

Eva Green This is just very drab for the

otherwise dramatic-looking

Eva Green. Maybe I’m being

too harsh. But imagine if it

was in a jewel tone, like jade

green or sapphire blue.

Maura Tierney LIPSTICK.

Emmy Rossum Emmy Rossum always looks

awesome, even when she’s just

walking down the street being

Emmy Rossum. Her name even

practically rhymes with

“awesome.”

Felicity Huffman I hope the black hair is for a

role, because it completely

swamps her features. The

dress is pretty average, too.

Louise Roe Louise, who I think is a British

TV presenter or something,

looks like she’s experiencing

abdominal cramps. Her dress

is awful, and WHY IS

EVERYBODY FLAUNTING

THEIR RIBCAGE?

Rosie Huntington-Whitely

She looks as stunning as you’d

expect, but there’s nothing

interesting about the dress.

Maybe that’s the point. Maybe

she asks Jason Statham what

she should wear and he says,

“Something low-cut.

In a nude colour.”

Kate Winslet Kate is officially stuck in a rut.

She almost always wears these

figure-hugging frocks with an

almost sporty look. In fact

she’s worn dresses similar to

this one on several occasions.

See?

Malin Akerman For reasons I don’t fully

understand, I don’t like Malin

Akerman. I also don’t like frilly

peplums, but that might just be

because Malin Akerman is

wearing one.

Leslie Mann On the other hand, I almost

always like Leslie Mann, even

though I’ve never really seen

her in anything. She just

usually looks happy and

normal on the red carpet. So

I’m giving this a thumbs up

even though I’m not sure

about the bodice.

Caitriona Balfe I love Caitriona’s colouring, and

she’s incredibly striking, but

this frock doesn’t do her justice.

It looks almost matronly, in a

funereal sort of way.

Portia Doubleday I have no idea who “Portia

Doubleday” is. Her name

sounds fictitious.

Her gown is objectively fine,

but I don’t find myself liking

it. Is it because it literally

looks like a disco ball?

Lily Tomlin I don’t know why, but I really

like this. The violet colour is

gorgeous, it has pockets, and

the slightly a-line sheath is

surprisingly flattering. It just

looks comfortable and

effortless and like you

wouldn’t have to wear Spanx

with it.

Zoe Kazan & Paul Dano

I always like these two crazy

kids. I think Zoe’s frock would

look better on someone with

dark hair, but she gets points

for wearing something pretty

and off-beat, and not going

for the whole fake tan and

hair extensions thing.

Natalie Dormer I have to say, I laughed out

loud when I saw this. Natalie

looks like a chipmunk who

just woke up after hibernating

through the winter.

As for the dress, I just can’t

get past that little y-shaped

attachment holding it up.

Jessica & David Oyelowo

Interesting fact: these two

have four kids together.

Jessica is naturally dark

blonde, and I think she looks

better as a blonde, but there’s

no denying she looks amazing

here. He looks cute too.

Lily James

I really want to like Lily James,

because she’s in War and

Peace, which I plan to watch

as soon as I finish reading War

and Peace, which will be very

soon, I swear. But I just don’t

like these twisty asymmetrical

necklines. They confuse and

distress me.

Taylor Schilling

This literally looks like it was

borrowed from Liza

Minnelli’s wardrobe. I mean I

think I’ve actually seen Liza

Minella wearing it.

Angela Bassett

Is it just me, or is Angela

Bassett completely

unrecognisable?

I don’t like this apricot colour

on anyone, really. But it’s fine.

Barbara Meier

I have no idea who Barbara

Meier is, and in fact I had no

idea people were still naming

their children “Barbara.”

This should be gorgeous and

Cinderella-ish, but somehow

it just looks cheap.

Jada Pinkett-Smith

I don’t particularly like the

colour, or the fabric, and the

dress itself is obviously

having an identity crisis.

Sleeves? A cape? A v-neck? A

cowl-neck? It just looks like a

green parachute landed on

her and she wore it to an

event.

Ana de la Reguera I don’t know who this chick

is, and I wish she wasn’t

making a kissy face, but I do

love this look. The dark hair

and lipstick looks really

dramatic with the violet dress.

Maybe I’m just really into this

violet colour right now.

Jennifer JasonLeigh

Ugh. If only this was a size

larger.

Melissa McCarthy She was doing so well! And

then this happened.

It looks like one of those foil

blankets paramedics wrap

around people with

hypothermia.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

While I don’t love the busy

pattern, it has enough of a

1920’s vibe that I could get

on board with it…after

cutting off the ugly rosettes

on her left shoulder.

Carly Steel This is one of those frocks that

land in the zone between

“eww” and “wow.” There’s

nothing wrong with it, it fits

beautifully, it’s nice colour, but

I just don’t feel that way

about it.

Saoirse Ronan Again, this should probably be really

lovely, but I’ve looked at it a few times

now, and I’m just not into it. Am I being

unreasonable?

Is white just not her colour? Is it

because her hair is pulled back?

Giuliana Rancic Ugh, more ribs, and Giuliana is

so painfully thin that you can

count each one. The dress is

awful, but as in years past, I

just can’t get past the signs of

her extreme weight loss.

Amy Adams There were a few orange and

apricot colours on the red

carpet this year. I love orange,

but I think this frock is just

okay on Amy Adams. A more

burnt orange might have been

more flattering and more

interesting.

Natalie Morales I don’t like this at all, but there

were also a lot of berry shades

around this year – blue,

periwinkle, violet and plum. I

know periwinkles, violets and

plums are not berries, but you

know what I mean.

I like these colours.

Luciana Damon Luciana is one of those people

who always looks fine, but

doesn’t stand out. She always

opts for something you could

probably find at your local

department store. But I respect

her for not seeking the

limelight, and for keeping her

ribs and her breastbone under

wraps.

Jane Wu This doesn’t wow me either.

The lower half is pretty, but

from the hips upwards it looks

like armour.

Corinne Foxx I love this, despite the deep-V.

It’s also Marchesa, and also has

birds. It looks very demure,

although I did discover on

closer inspection that it’s

completely see-through up top,

except for a few strategically-

placed sequins. Which makes it

weird that Corinne attended

with her dad.

Sibi Bale Sibi is another one of those

spouses who always dresses

respectably and doesn’t grab

the limelight. I can’t work out

what’s happing with this dress,

but I think it would look better

without the gold blobs.

Maril Davis I don’t know who Maril Davis

is, or why she wore her

Halloween costume to the

Globes.

Helen Mirren See, this is just absolutely

flawless. It’s understated,

chic, and fits beautifully. It’s

not going to win any awards,

but sometimes looking lovely

is enough.

Patricia Arquette And this is what happens if

you take Helen Mirren’s chic

black dress, squeeze it onto

someone a size larger than

Helen Mirren, and glue a

giant white bow on the front.

It’s a disaster.

Queen Latifah The colour, which I can’t help

calling “toothpaste,” looks

amazing and almost luminous

on Latifah. I actually think I’d

like it better without the

sequinned part, and just a

chunky turquoise necklace or

something instead.

Michaela Watkins Well, her hair looks lovely.

That is all.

Calista Flockhart The teal is very striking, but

the fabric is squashy, and

from a distance the

sequinned pattern on the

bodice looks muddy and

indistinct. I’ll give a pass

though, because I think this

probably looks very pretty in

real life.

Jane Fallon I have no problem with the

dress, and I hesitate to judge

spouses too harshly, because

they’re not really fair game -

but what is going on with Mrs

Gervais’ hair and makeup?

She looks frightening. She’s

wearing A LOT of bronzer,

and her platinum blonde

streaks look grey.

Judith Light I like a good lady-tux, but I

don’t like this one. Maybe if it

was buttoned up, with a

camisole instead of a shirt,

and properly tailored trouser-

cuffs.

Ken & Tran Jeong Oh these two just look so cute.

Charles Randolph, Mili Avital

I immediately liked this dress,

and then asked myself why,

because it’s actually not very

exciting. I realised I’d seen

Mili Avital in something and

thought she was really

beautiful, so maybe if she

showed up in a paper bag I’d

like it.

Mark Ruffalo & Sunrise Coigney Sunrise Coigney is French. She

seems smart and interesting,

and she and her husband

appear to genuinely like each

other, so I have no quarrel with

whatever she chooses to wear.

The after-

parties

My advice would be to

avert your eyes now.

Taraji P Henson It’s a size too small, and I’d

find a train really irritating

at a crowded party, but it’s

quite pretty I guess.

JLo Jennifer Lopez isn’t good at

facial expressions. But her

dress is nice.

Selena Gomez This is actually really genuinely

pretty. I’m surprised and

pleased that Selena didn’t show

up in a ribcage-baring black

leather mini dress accompanied

by a similarly-dress girl squad.

Michelle Monaghan

Shiny yellow satin always looks

a bit cheap to me, like Ronald

McDonald’s clown-suit. A

matte crepe would probably

make all the difference.

Kelly Rohrbach Let the trashiness commence.

Zoe Kravitz It’s like sheer tasselled curtains

from the 70’s. Unbelievably

drab. And of course I can see

her underwear, etc.

Lea Michele I’m just so over sheer panels

and illusion netting. Is this

supposed to look like it’s staying

up by itself? Because it doesn’t.

It looks like beige illusion

netting. And just because you

have a tattoo on your ribcage

doesn’t mean you have to

design your clothing around it.

A Kardashian I have no comment.

Another one. There was a picture of Kylie

making a kissy-face next to

her sister at this party, except

that Kylie couldn’t physically

move her lips into the correct

position. I’m not even going to

comment on her clothing until

she can get her lips in order.

Gabrielle Union There’s too much of

everything going on here.

Candice Patton There is ABSOLUTELY NO

NEED TO DO THIS.

Kaley Cuoco I’ve been saving the phrase

“hot mess” for this exact

look.

Kate Hudson I know it’s the same dress,

but somehow it’s worse.

Bella Thorne Apparently, Bella Thorne used to be a child

star on the Disney channel, so I guess the

sheer panels and obvious lack of underwear

was a fait accompli.

Charli XCX I feel like we should contact

her parents.

Nina Dobrev Surprise! I thought it was

time for something nice.

This isn’t even totally sheer.

It’s FULLY LINED!

JLaw I might just have JLaw fatigue, I

don’t know. She somehow

looks like an older woman

dressing too young.

Amanda Crew This floaty style has been done

better by others, but it is very

pretty. I have no major

complaints, except for the

general impression of

nakedness people seem to be

aiming for.

Sarah Hyland This looks better from the

back. From the front it’s

pretty ordinary. But she

dumped an abusive boyfriend

last year,* so I’m cutting her

some slack.

*It was actually the year

before last. But still.

Krysten Ritter The thigh slit does go up

way too high at the side, and

I can confirm she too is

without underwear. But she

looks pretty great from the

front.

Jamie Chung There were a lot of black-and-

white frocks around on Globes

night, usually with too much

going on. I’d like to get rid of

the racing stripe down the side,

but I’d settle for ditching the

headband.

Jaime King Jaime King is currently

pretending to be a youth,

mainly by hanging out with

Taylor Swift and

Instagramming it. Which

makes this choice of frock

strange, because it really

ages her.

Naya Rivera Hideous dress aside, a human

chest is never supposed to look

like that.

Rumer Willis A human person is never

supposed to look like that.

Grace Gealy Okay, well this isn’t bad. If you

absolutely HAVE to do the

slashed-to-the-waist thing, this

is the most tasteful way to do it.

I still don’t think that leg needs

to be sticking out, though. I

mean, people don’t put their

arms over their heads to

demonstrate the features of

their sleeves.

Victoria Justice Is this literally made from

swimsuit material?

Katharine McPhee More ribcage windows.

Kat Graham More breastbone.

Whitney Port Well, I guess her ribcage is

mostly covered.

Seriously though, is this the

trashiest Golden Globes ever?

Melissa George I think this answers my last

question.

Bellamy Young Ribs, breastbone and thigh! It

sounds like something you

would order from a place

that makes fried chicken.

Jennifer Morrison

Jennifer Morrison is all

ready for bed. In the early

1900’s. On a prairie.

Dylan Penn

This looks like something

from the wardrobe of Cher

from ‘Clueless.’

Alyssa Milano This is awful.

Caitriona Balfe This is not awful!

Olivia Palermo I was going to say this would be

okay without the capelet, but

actually it would still be ill-

fitting and unflattering. Olivia

Palermo really dropped the ball

this time.

Kate Bosworth I’m not really into the cocktail-

dress-over-formal-pants thing.

If this was just a knee-length

dress it would be fine.

Olivia Culpo I’m not totally opposed to the

concept of a leather dress. I

just think this one says

“garbage bag.” Maybe if it

was in a different colour, like

oxblood or navy.

Nikki Reed There’s only so many ways to say

“meh.” It’s fine. I don’t love the

pattern, or the colours.

Edit: It’s actually a navy

blue mesh over beige lining

with silver and gold

appliqué and sequins.

Which confirms my

impression that there’s just

too much going on here.

Gillian Anderson This is Burberry. I think

Burberry could do better.

Vanessa Hudgens Surprisingly tasteful.

Chanel Iman Why do people need to put

windows in their dresses?

Was it a condition of

invitations to all these

events that you provide

visual access to as many

parts of the human body as

possible whilst still meeting

the legal definition of

“clothed?”

Ashley Madekwe I think I would be tempted to

try to fix this – it looks like her

tulle overskirt has just gotten

caught in something and

needs to be smoothed out. But

she still lands in the top 10% at

this party where virtually

everybody looked horrible.

Cara Santana It’s pants. At first I thought it

was a dress, and I was going to

say something about how it

would be passable if not for

the ubiquitous slash-to-the-

waist neckline. But then I

scrolled down and realised it

was pants. “Pants” here is also

an adjective meaning “the

absolute worst.” As in “this

outfit is pants.”

Taryn Manning This is what a migraine

looks like.

Odette Annable Sheer thigh-window aside,

this is one of the prettier

things on the red carpet at this

party. I can’t see her

underwear, or her ribs. Yay!

Molly Sims I know these aren’t totally

transparent, but I just don’t

want to see any more triangle

cut-outs on any dresses at all.

Additionally, the fabric is

horrible, and her makeup is

horrible. People just aren’t

even trying.

Emilia Clarke This Dolce & Gabbana is so

much nicer than her red

carpet frock, but I wish she

had done something different

with her hair, and she needs

more interesting shoes with

this. I’d recommend these red

velvet mary janes, also by

D&G.

Olivia Holt Yes. This is very nice. I must

be getting old, because my

first thought was “I would

be okay with my niece

wearing this to an event.” I

don’t think I’d literally let

her go to this event, though.

Phoebe Tonkin I don’t know who Phoebe

Tonkin is. My first

impression was that this

frock is quite sweet, and I

think I’ll stick with that,

although I’d probably

change the loose ruffle

around the middle into an

actual tailored waistband.

Elisabeth Rohm As a rule I’m not a fan of dresses with bits

of actual metal, and this literally looks like a

mosaic – like shards of broken mirror

surrounded by sand-coloured grout. But

again, it’s better than a lot of the other stuff

at this party.

Carrie Brownstein Carrie’s little frock is too

short for comfort. I can tell,

because in all the photos

she’s either holding her

clutch in front of her skirt or

leaning forward as if to

make it look longer than it is.

But add a couple of inches,

and it would be pretty cute.

Aisha Tyler You can’t really tell, but this

is made from angora or

something equally fluffy. It’s

nice, I like it, but maybe I

would have worn my hair

out with something so

minimalist?

Yara Shahidi I did some Googling, and

Yara Shahidi is 15 years old

and very cute. The fact that

she wore a suit to a

Hollywood party – with a

camisole instead of the usual

triangle of bare breastbone –

gives her a free pass, even

though I don’t love the print.

She can wear what she likes.

Jackie Cruz The dress is actually quite

nice; the hair and makeup is

horrible. Not knowing who

Jackie Cruz is, I assumed she

was in her late 40’s based on

this picture. She’s 29.

Holliday Grainger Holliday looked relatively cute

and normal. I like her lace-up

shoes.

Creepy Siblings Will & Nicola Peltz, looking

creepy. I don’t know who they

are, but I’m not interested,

because her dress has

windows which display her

ribs. And hipbones.

Remember the days when

dresses didn’t have cut-outs

and sheer panels?

The Best Just to end on a positive note, here are my favourites:

The Best

The Best