Managing bullying

MANAGING

An informative talk for the parents of

Siena College San Jose Bulacan

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MANAGING

An informative talk for the parents of

Siena College San Jose Bulacan

WHAT IS BULLYING?

• The selective, uninvited, intentional, often repetitive oppression of one person by another person or group

TYPES OF BULLYING

• Physical bullying

• Verbal bullying

• Indirect bullying

• Cyber bullying

WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?

• Does not feel loved and/or capable

• To seek attention• To take revenge• To prove superiority• To cover up for low

self-esteem or inadequacies

COMMON TARGETS OF BULLIES (AND HOW TO AVOID BEING ONE)• Children who look different: small,

overweight or early maturing girls, etc.– Prepare kids for non-aggressive

comeback lines like, “Yes, I love to eat,” or “Maybe I am huge. So what?” Do not squirm nor whine.

• Those who are slumped and avoid eye contact– Teach kids to practice confident body

posture.

COMMON TARGETS OF BULLIES (AND HOW TO AVOID BEING ONE)

• Those with poor social skills– Look for a buddy or a group for support,

do not isolate yourself

• Passive, non-assertive children– Teach kids to stand strong and tall and to

say firmly, “I don’t like it when you do that. Stop it now.” Practice assertive delivery to reduce likelihood of harm.

COMMON TARGETS OF BULLIES (AND HOW TO AVOID BEING ONE)

• Kindness perceived as weakness (punching bag)– Teach kids to be more assertive

• With reasons for the bully to feel envious or insecure– Teach kids to befriend the bully or even

“compliment” the bully, etc.

EXAMPLES OF THE DIFFERENT “BACKGROUNDS” OF BULLIES

BULLY NO. 1: Relationship with Family / Confidence

• At home, Rico is the youngest of 3 boys. He looks up to his 2 older brothers who are average students. Rico’s mom passed away when she gave birth to him. As a result, his brothers and his father indirectly resent him for taking their mom/wife away. The brothers bully him a lot and the dad does not show much attention to him.

BULLY NO. 2: Trying to Prove Himself

• Carlo’s dad was a basketball star and is now a basketball coach. However, Carlo is not living up to his dad’s expectations so his dad calls him weak and a disappointment, that he isn’t strong enough to play well. Carlo is saddened and angered by this and bullies other kids to feel strong.

BULLY NO. 3: “Domino” Effect

• Paolo is always bullied by his bigger brothers and feels threatened at home. He is angry. His parents have no idea about what is happening. So when he goes to school and sees smaller kids, he takes out his anger on them.

*similar at work when the president gets angry, the next in line gets angry at others

OTHER REASONS: ENVY

• Talents and achievements• Financial• Friends• Status• Attention

OTHER REASONS: ENTITLEMENT AND POOR ROLE MODELS AT HOME

John’s family is well off and they have drivers and househelp at home. John’s parents love him a lot but treat the househelp disrespectfully, calling them names, shouting, insulting them, etc. John’s parents tell him and make him feel like he is the boss at home, and this carries over in school.

*e.g. Potter and Malfoy

SPECIAL NOTES ON CYBER BULLYING

CYBER BULLYING

• Through chat, social media

• A bashing website where other kids vote for ugliest, fattest, etc.

• Threats online: I am going to get you and I know where you live, etc.

CYBER BULLYING: WHAT TO DO

• Teach your kids to:–STOP, BLOCK and TELL, and not to

be accomplices of a cyber bully–THINK before they CLICK–RESPECT others online (and offline!)–Get PROOF of cyber bullying so they

can report it (screen capture, save conversations, etc.)

HANDLING THE BULLY

HOW TO MANAGE THE BULLY

• Ignore• Distract• Befriend• Give a warning• Fight back

HOW CAN YOUR CHILD HANDLE BULLIES?

• Gain self-confidence– Develop skills and talents

• Befriend the bully– Play to the bully’s ego

• Achieve something the bully respects – E.g. For boys, usually sports-related

• Stand up for yourself –Most bullies are “all bark, no bite”

WHAT CAN WE DO AS

PARENTS?

BULLY PROOF YOUR CHILD

• ATTENTION AND AFFIRMATION• COMMUNICATION• TRAINING AT HOME: IMPROVING

SELF-WORTH AND HOW TO HANDLE

BULLY PROOF YOUR CHILD

• ATTENTION AND AFFIRMATION–Spending time and being there for your

child– This will help you recognize concerns

your child may have–Quality AND quantity time–Develop self-worth–Give words of affirmation–Catch them doing good and say it!–What gets noticed, gets magnified

BULLY PROOF YOUR CHILD• COMMUNICATION–Read cues and use your child’s

language–Help your child open up: use “process”

questions (e.g. So tell me what happened… Is this what you’re trying to say?... Etc.)–Be calm and composed, do not

overreact–Use ACTIVE LISTENING–Always end with affirmation and

assurance

BULLY PROOF YOUR CHILD• TRAINING BEGINS AT HOME–Confidence and Self-Worth• Teach your child about his or her

true identity as God’s child AND your child

–Discipline•Discipline with love and

consistence–Parenting Style and Family

Relations

INDICATORS OF CHILD’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

1. Negative behavior/attitude

2. Constant self-belittling

3. Excessive criticism of others

4. Lack of caring about attention

5. Is withdrawn

6. Constantly needs reassurance

7. Easily disappointed

REMINDERS ABOUT SELF-WORTH

“sense of being LOVABLE and CAPABLE and others confirm this”

1.Affirm POSITIVE qualities

2.Catch child DOING GOOD and SAY IT

3.Acknowledge CONTRIBUTION as well as RESULTS

WHAT IF YOUR CHILD IS THE BULLY?

1. Boost SELF-WORTH

2. Do not DENY the concern

3. Teach them proper CONFLICT RESOLUTION behavior, SOCIAL and COPING skills

4. Teach ACCOUNTABILITY for their actions (consequences, etc.)

5. Encourage EMPATHY

6. Limit AGGRESSIVE influences (TV, movies, videos, games, etc.)

Source: http://article.wn.com/view/2011/01/18/Psychological_effects_of_bullying_in_an_edu

cational_setting/

REMINDERS: FROM ONE PARENT TO ANOTHER

10 HELPFUL PARENTING “RULES”

1. Communicate regularly and well with our kids

2. Promote genuine self-worth — their identity as God’s children and ours

3. Discipline with love4. Teach our kids to set personal,

academic and life goals5. Be there for the family as much as

possible — quality and quantity time

10 HELPFUL PARENTING “RULES”

6. Develop study habits among our kids

7. Create a conducive environment for studying

8. Encourage love for reading and judicious multimedia use

9. Ensure solid grounding in the fundamentals

10.Emphasize effort more than ability

Acknowledgements• Notes from The Family Congress 2012:

Breakout Session on Bullying by Maribel Sison-Dionisio, MA (The Love Institute) and son, Raf and Michele Santos-Alignay, MA (The Love Institute)

• Notes from Talk on Managing Bullies by Maribel Sison-Dionisio, MA, and son, Raf (July 31, 2012 @Bo’s Coffee, Greenbelt Makati)