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Thefollowingexcerptisintendedforsamplepurposesonly.Itmaynotbereproducedwithouttheexpresswritten
permissionoftheauthor.
Copyright©2017MichaelRyanWebb
Allrightsreserved.
ISBN:197371888XISBN-13:978-1973718888
Firstedition,2017
ChapterOne|Adam
“Becarefulwiththatplease,”Isaidtothe
moverwhowasclumsilyhandlingaboxfullof
kitchenwareasIwalkedbackintothehomeIwas
preparingtoleave.“Ithinkwe'rejustaboutdone,
Mark,”Icalledintothelivingroom.
Myhusband,Mark,timidlysteppedintothe
foyer,myfavoritebluethrowblanketinhishands.
Helookedpitiful.Histall,lankyframewasbeing
swallowedbyoneofmysweaters.His
normallytanskinwaspale,havingnotbeen
exposedtodirectsunlightinmonths.Hisjetblack
hairwasunusuallylong.
“Areyousure?”heasked.
Ilookedintohissad,browneyesand
wantednothingmorethantowraphiminmy
armsandtakeawayhispain.Butthelastyearhad
taughtmethattherewasnothingIcoulddo.He
wasfracturedandIwasinadequatelyequippedto
fixhimandexhaustedfromtrying,amongother
things.ButIcouldn'tspeakthewords,soIjust
nodded.
“Okay,”hewhispered,barelyaudible.“You
shouldtakethese,then.”Hehandedmethe
blanket,removedthesweater,foldeditneatly,and
placeditinmyhands.Underneathhewaswearing
at-shirtthatIgavetohimonourfirstChristmas
together.I'dthinkhewaswearingittotryto
manipulatemeintostayingifIdidn'tknowthatit
wasn'tinhisnature.Withouttheblankettohold,
hefellintohisdefaultactionofcountinghis
fingers.Ishudderedtothinkwhatmentalimage
hewastryingtodistractfrom.
“Lindafromnextdoorsaidshe'llpickup
yourmedicationsforyouifyouletherknowwhen
youneedthem.Makesureyoukeeptakingthem,”
Isaidtodistractusboth.“TheMillers'boyoffered
tobringgroceriesbackforyoufromoneofhis
shiftsatthestoreeveryweek.Justleavesome
moneyforhiminthegarageandhe'llleavethe
food.Ifyouneedanythingelse...”Itrailedoff.I'd
almosttoldhimtocallme,butthatcouldn'tbean
option.
Thetensionwasgraciouslybrokenbyone
ofthemoversannouncingthattheywerefinished.
“Youhavetogonow,”Marksaid.
“Ihavetogonow,”Iparroted.
“I'veneverbeendivorcedbefore.Arewe
supposedtohug,orlikeshakehands?Oristhis
moreofacordialnodandsmilesituation?”he
quipped,ahintofasmilebreakingacrosshis
unevenlybeardedface.Therewasatinyglimpse
ofthehumorI'dmissedsogreatly.Ifonlythere
hadbeenmoreofthesemomentsinthelastsix
monthsthanIcouldcountononehand.
“Ithinkoneofusissupposedtoenacta
crazyschemethatmayormaynotincludeposing
asanoldwoman.Atleast,that'swhatRobin
Williamswouldhavedone,”Ireplied.Ipaused,
unsurehowweweresupposedtoleavethings,
thensaid,“but,we'renotactuallydivorcedyet,
Mark.Ihaven'tevenfiled.Whoknows-”The
smileonhisfacequicklydissipated.
“Don'tgivemefalsehope,Adam,”he
interjected.“Please.”
“No,no,Iwasn'ttryingtodothat,”Isaid.
“I'msorry.”
Isawthemovingtruckpullawayoutofthe
cornerofmyeyeandslowlytrudgedtothefront
door.
“Iguessthisisgoodbye,then,”Isaid.
“Justlikethat?”heasked.
Irushedtowardhimandpulledhimintoa
tightembrace.Ihaven'tthefaintestideahowlong
itlasted.Itatoncefeltbothlikeaneternityanda
split-second.Hepulledawayfirst,takingmeby
surprise.
“Takecareofyourself,Adam,”hesaid.“I-I-
I-”hetrailedoff.
“Iknow,”Isaid.“Youtoo.”Ihurriedout
thedoor,lestIchangemymind.IheardMark
closeitgentlybehindme.Ithrewtheblanketand
sweatshirtintothebackseatofthe
carthatMarkhadboughtmetwoyearspriorfor
our5thweddinganniversary,andslidintothe
driver'sseat.Istartedthecarbutcouldn’tbring
myselftoputitindrive.Ilookedbackupatthe
housewe’dsharedforalmostadecadeand
thoughtbacktothedaywemovedin.
Markhadjustwonanotherbigcaseas
adefenseattorneyandthelonghourshadpaidoff
intheformofapromotiontopartnerandabonus
checkbigenoughtoallowustofinallymoveoutof
thecrappyapartmentwe’dlivedinsincecollege.
We’dspentoveramonthlookingathouses,
determinedtofindtheperfectfitforbothofus.
Whenourrealtorfinallybroughtustothis
moderatelysizedthreebedroomhouseinthe
suburbs,webalkedattheideaofit.Wehadn’t
evenentertainedthethoughtofchildrenyet.Plus,
IwasstillingraduateschoolandMarkhadjust
turned30.Thesuburbswerenoplaceforus,we
insisted.Butthesecondwesteppedinside,we’d
bothdroppedourhesitation.Withoutevenseeing
thewholething,itfeltlikehome.
Andoverthelastnineyears,we’dmadeit
one.Thehouseboremanysignsofourlife
together.Aftertwoyearsoflivingthere,wewere
marriedunderneaththelargeoaktreeinthe
backyardwhenouroriginalplansfell
through.Likelove-struckteenagers,wecarvedour
namesandthedateintothebarkofthetree.
Aterriblepaintingthatwemadetogetherat
oneofthosecheesyclasseswhereyougettipsyon
wineandtrytopainthunginthefoyer.It
wascoveringuptheterribledrywallrepairjob
we’ddoneafterIinsistedoncarryingMarkover
thethresholdafterourhoneymoonandstumbled
intothewall.
Therewerepermanentstainsonthecarpet
inthelivingroomfromthemanydinnerswe
sharedtherebecausethediningroomtablewas
invisibleunderneaththemountainofcombined
workfromMark’songoingcasesandmyresearch
formydoctoraldissertationandlater,papersIhad
tograde.
Yes,thehousecarriedmanymemoriesof
ourlifetogether.ButitwasthefrontporchthatI
foundmyselfunabletolookawayfrom.Itwas
there,sittinginfrontofthebrightreddoor,that
I’dproposedtoMarkonmy30thbirthday.A
coworkerhadjokinglyaskedmeifI’dgotten
everythingIwantedformy“bigday”anditsent
meintoatailspinofwonderingifIwaswhereI
wantedtobeatthatpointinmylife.I’drealized
bytheendofthedaythattherewasonlyonething
IfeltlikeIneeded–tobeMark’shusband.
We’dbeentogetherforalmosttenyearsby
thatpoint.Wetalkedasifweweregoingtobe
togetherforever,butneitherofushadever
broughtupanactualmarriage.Ofcourse,ithadn’t
reallybeenanoptionforalotofour
relationship.ButitwasfinallylegalinCalifornia
wherewelivedatthatpoint,andI’ddecidedIwas
ready.
I’drushedhomethatafternoon,eagerto
planaproposalbeforeMarkgothomefromwork.
ButwhenIgotthere,he’dalreadyorganizeda
surprisepartyforme.AsmuchasI’dappreciated
andenjoyedtheparty,Iwasanxioustotalktohim
aboutgettingmarried.
Whileeveryonewasdistractedwithcake,I’d
snuckupstairsandretrievedasmall,stainedglass
jaroutofaboxinthebackofmycloset.Itonce
heldacandleweboughtonadatetoarenaissance
fair.Thatcandlehadbeenburningatdinnerthe
nightMarkfirsttoldmelovedme.Whenitran
out,I’dsavedthejarasareminderofthatnight.
SinceIdidn’thavearing,I’dhopedthata
reminderofourlovecouldserveasatokenfor
theproposal.
Anditworked.IpulledMarkouttositon
theporchtogetherandthankedhimfortheparty.
He’dpokedfunathowsurprisedIwasbefore
askingwhatI’dwantedtotalkabout.
“SomebodyaskedmewhatIwantedformy
birthdayearlier,”Isaid.“Anditmademerealize
howgoodwhatwehaveis.We’recreatingthis
beautifullifetogetherthatissomuchmorethanI
everdreamedIcouldhave.There’sonlyonething
Ireallywant-you.Imean,forever,forreal.Imean
–WhatI’mtryingtosayis-”
“OfcourseI’llmarryyou,”he’dinterrupted,
hisfaceglowingwiththatsmilethathadalways
givenmebutterflies.“What’sthejarfor?”he’d
asked.
“Idon’thavearing,”I’dexplained.“But
I’vesavedthissincethefirstnightwesaidIlove
you,andIwantedtogiveyousomethingto
remindyouthatIstillloveyou,andIalwayswill.”
Helovedthegesture.Afteralloftheparty
guestsdispersed,wesatontheporchplanninga
weddinganddiscussingourfuture.We’dspent
manynightssincethensittingonthatporch,
talkingaboutourworkandourdreams.Itwas
hardtothinkaboutneversittingthereacrossfrom
Markagain.Butlifedoesn’taskforpermissionto
change,andaftereverythingthathadbeenthrown
atusovertheprecedingyear,IfeltlikeIhadno
choicebuttogo,forbothofoursakes.
Ipicturedusonthatporchonelasttime-
happyandinlove,fullofhope-thenslowlypulled
awayfromthecurb.Ihadmanagedtoavoid
becomingemotionalthroughmostoftheprocess
leadinguptothisday,butinthatmoment,leaving
ourhomeforthelasttime,Ifinallybrokedown.
IcalmedmyselfdownwhenIgottomynew
apartmentforlongenoughtoletthemoversin,
butthenIsatbackinthecarandsobbed
uncontrollably.HadImadeamistake?WasIa
monsterforgivinguponamanIlovedsodeeply
justbecausethingshadgottendifficult?Icouldn’t
facetheanswerstothosequestions.AllIknewwas
thatwe’dagreed.Hewasn’tgettinganybetter;I
wasn’thelping;andsomespacewoulddobothof
ussomegood.
WhenIfinallycalmeddown,Ihelpedthe
moversunloadeverything,paidthem,andstarted
unpacking.Unsurprisingly,alargemajorityofmy
belongingscarriedmemoriesofMark.That
provedtoopainfultodealwithrightaway.SoI
justsatonmybaremattress,surroundedbyboxes
Iwastooafraidtoopen.
Youwantedthis,Ithoughttomyself.You
neededthis.Youweresuffocating.
Iwentforawalktotrytocalmmynerves.
TheuniversitywhereItaughtwasonlyafew
blocksaway,soIwalkedtomyfavoritespoton
campustotrytorelax.Isatinacourtyardand
facedastatueofanopenbooksittinginthe
middleofafountain.Thesteadywaterflowwas
peacefulenoughtoallowmetoclearmymind.
Recommittedtomydecision,Iwentbackto
mynewhomeandunpacked.Itriedtosleep
afterward,buttheemptinessnexttomeinthebed
wasimpossibletoignore.Despiteallhisbusy
nightsworkingoncases,MarkandIhadn’tspent
anightapartin16years.ItriedtowatchTV,but
sincemycableandinternethadn’tbeeninstalled
yet,Ionlyhadonefuzzychanneloption.
ThemovieHopeFloatswasplaying,andI
foundmyselfwishingthatIcouldtradeplaceswith
SandraBullock’scharacter.Atleastherhusband
wasanassholewhocheatedonher.Thiswould
havebeensomucheasierifMarkhadcheatedon
meandgivenmeareasontohatehim.
Butthetruthwas,hehadn’tdoneanything
wrong.He’dbeenstrugglingwithamentalillness
thatIcouldn’tunderstandorhelphimwith,no
matterhowhardI’dtried,andwehadsimply
grownapart.Wejustdidn’tfitanymore.The
problemwasthatIstillsodesperatelywantedus
to.
ItossedandturnedforseveralhoursuntilI
finallyfellasleepoutofsheerexhaustion.The
nextmorning,Ioverslept.Forsomanyyears,
Markgotupatexactlyfiveo’clockinthemorning
togetaheadstartonhisworkfortheday,andI
hadgrownusedtohimwakingmeuplaterinthe
morning.Evensincehe'dbeenoutofwork,he'd
continuedthatroutine.Itneverevenoccurredto
metosetanalarm.
Getyourshittogether,Adam,Ithoughtto
myselfasIracedtogetdressedandgettowork.I
managedtomakeittoclassrightontime,but
didn’thavetimetopracticemypreparedlecture.
So,Idecidedtojustwingit.Itwasanintermediate
levelcreativewritingclass,soIaskedthestudents
towriteonepageaboutabigeventduringtheir
summerfromanoutsider'sperspectiveandgave
themthehourtoworkonitwhileIlookedover
mynotesformynext,moreadvancedclass.
Afterward,asIporedovertheirworkand
madenotesofwhatareastofocusonthroughout
thesemesterforeachstudent,Icameacrossa
longerthanrequiredentry.Thestudent,Lauren,
detailedhertumultuousrelationshipdramawith
heron-again,off-againboyfriend.He’dclaimedto
becompletelycommittedtoheratthebeginning
oftheyear,“forrealthistime.”
So,attheendofthespringsemester,she’d
transferredhereandmovedacrossthecountryto
bewithhim,onlytohavehimgrowdistantand
eventuallybreakupwithher,leavinghertofinda
newplacetoliveandgetthroughatleastthenext
semesterinanewplacewheresheknewonlyhim.
Throughout,shetooktheviewpointofa
concernedfriendwatchingherselfmakebad
decisions,butnevertriedtopaintherselfasa
victim.
Imarveledatherresilience.Howweakwas
IthatIwasfallingapartinanewsettingofmyown
design,whilethisyoungwomanwashandling
beingleftinthelurchlikeachamp?WhatwasI
doingmopingaround?Thewholepointofthis
separationwassothatIcouldhavethespaceIfelt
likeIneeded.Ispentsolongfeelinglikeajerkfor
wantingitbeforeIdecidedIreallydidneedit.So
whydiditstillfeelterriblenowthatIhadit?
Iremindedmyselfthatthiswassupposedto
bebetter,anddecidedtoreallytryhardertoenjoy
mynewfoundfreedomandbehappy.Imade
planswithacoupleofcolleaguestogooutfor
drinksthatevening,andmanagedtogetthrough
therestofmydaywithoutlettingmyselfgetdown
again.
Attheendoftheday,thethoughtofwaiting
aroundmyapartmentseemedlikeaskingfor
trouble,soIheadedovertothebarearly.Sofia's
place,namedafterherself,waspopularwith
teachersbecauseitwastheonlybarintownthat
hadastrict25anduppolicy.Sofiaherselfstill
tendedthebar,andshehadnopatienceforthe
drunkshenanigansofcollegestudents.
So,Iscootedintoaboothinthebackand
ordereddinnerandadrinktopassthetime.By
thetimemycolleagues,AmyandWes,arrived,I
wasonmyfourthrumandCoke.Amy,atinyball
ofenergywithblackhairanddistractinglygreen
eyes,wasarecentdoctorategraduatespecializing
inVictorianGothicfiction.We'dbondedovera
sharedsenseofhumorandourhusbandsgot
alongwell,sowe'dspendplentyoftimetogether
overtheyears.
Weswasstillagraduatestudent,buthad
attachedhimselftomeuponlearningthatIwasan
openlygayprofessor.Asagaymanhimself,I
supposehethoughtwe'dhaveplentyincommon.
Wedidn’t.I'donlyreallyinvitedhimalong
becausehehadawayofeasilyfillinganysilenceor
gapsinconversation,andIthoughtitwouldbe
easytoavoidtalkingaboutmyseparationwithhim
around.
Ironically,Weshadjustgonethrougha
breakuphimselfandhearinghimprocessitby
speakingaboutitmademefeellikeIshouldtryit
too.WhenAmyfinallyaskedmeifanythingnew
happenedwithmeoverthesummer,Itossedback
mydrinkandsaid,"IleftMark."
Theirreactionsimmediatelymademeregret
mywords.Amywasnotoriouslynon-interestedin
otherpeople'sdrama,buthermouthdropped
openandhereyesdartedbackandforthbetween
meandWes.Weschokedonhisdrink.
"Whatareyoutalkingabout?What
happened?"Amyasked.
"There'sofficiallynohopeformenow,"
Weslamented.
"Shutup,"Amysaid,smackinghisarm.
"Whendidthishappen?"
"Yesterday,"Iwhispered.
"Ohmygod.Areyouokay?"Amyasked.
"Yesterday?Sweetiewhatareyoudoingout?
Youshouldbeathomeeatingicecreaminsweats
andtrollingGrindrwhileyouwatchbadTV,"Wes
opined.
"Wes,"Amysaidthroughgrittedteeth,
"Couldyougetussomemoredrinks?"
"ButI'mgonnamissthedrama,"hewhined.
IsawAmytrytodiscreetlystomponhisfoot
underthetableandwantedoutofthe
conversation.
"I'lldoit,"Isaid."I'llberightback."
Itrudgeduptothebarand
foundSofiarestocking.Shewasanolderwoman
who'dcometoAmericafromMexicoasayoung
girl.Shewasnowprobablyinherlate60s,but
shestillhadthefireofa20-something.Shehada
big,heartylaughthatcouldfilltheentirebar,and
mostofthewrinklesonherfaceappearedtobe
smilelines.Ihadn'tbeenmuchofadrinkerinthe
lastdecade,butwhenIdidIalwaysenjoyedgoing
toherplaceandtalkingwithher.
"What'llitbe,blue-eyes?"sheasked,ina
deepsoutherndrawlthatremindedmeofmy
smallTexanhometown,asIapproached.
"Anotherroundformeandthegang,
ma'am.Makemineadouble,please,"Ianswered.
Shemadethedrinkswithalltheflairyou'd
expectofsomeonewithherexperience,handed
themover,watchedmechugmine,andlaughedas
shepouredmeanother.
"Ihopethatsexyhusbandofyoursisonhis
waytogetyou.Drivingjustwentoutthewindow
forya,youngman,"shequipped,holdingherhand
outformykeys.
"Well,he'snotreallymyhusband
anymore...Sothat'dbeasurprise,"Isaid,handing
hermykeys.Ihadn'tmeanttosaythat,butI'dalso
losttrackofhowmanydrinksI'dhadbythen.
"Losiento,mijo,"shesaid.Shegrabbedtwo
glassesandfilledthemup."Tofreshstarts,"she
said,holdinguponeoftheglasses.Itappedmy
glassagainsthersandwedrank.
"Areyousupposedtobedrinkingwhileyou
bartend?"Iasked.
"Honey,I'magrown-asswomanandthis
hereismybar.IdowhatIwant,"shesaid,
winking."Nowgoonbacktoyourfriends.
Thegringolookslikehe's'boutreadytoexplode
waitingforyatocomeback"
Ithankedherandmademywaybacktomy
seat.AmyandWeswere,ofcourse,bickering
whenIreachedthem.Theyquicklyshushedeach
otherasIsatbackdownandstaredatme
expectantly.
"Well,whathappened?"Wesfinallyasked,
practicallyshouting.
Itookalongdrinkandadeepbreathbefore
finallysaying,"Itjustwasn'tworking.Idon'tknow.
Maybeitcanstillworkout.Maybethisseparation
willgiveusbothtimetogettoaplacewherewe're
betterforeachother.ButfornowIjust
needspace."
"Oh,Adam.I'msosorry,"Amysaid.Her
phonebuzzed."Oh,great.It'sJason.Hetriedto
changetheoilinhiscarwithoutmeandcan't
figureoutwhattodo.MindifIgocallhim?"
"Actually,Ibettergetgoinganyway,"Ilied,
notwantingtothinkaboutthefactthatshestill
hadahappymarriage."Stillhavealotof
unpackingtodo."
"Okay,wellyoucallmeifyouneed
anything,"shesaid."Wes,IfeellikeI'mgoingto
regretasking,butcanyoupleasemakesurehe
getshomesafely?"
"Obviously,"Wesreplied,rollinghiseyes.
Iswallowedwhatwasleftofmydrinkand
slowlyfumbledmywaybackoutofthebooth.In
thetimeI'dbeenbackfromthebar,allofthose
drinkshadhitmeprettyhard.Weshelpedmeout
tohiscarandspokedramaticallyabouthowhard
singlelifewasashedrovemebacktomy
apartment.Icouldn'tkeepupwithhisspeech.So
Ijustnoddedandleanedagainstthewindow.
Afterwhatfeltlikehours,wefinallyarrived
atmyapartment.IinsistedIcouldgetupstairsby
myself,butstumbledbythethirdstep.Wes
rushedtosteadymeandhelpedmeupthestairs.
"Youwannacomeinforanotherdrink?"I
asked,mywordsalreadyslurringasIstruggledto
openthedoor.
"I'mlike1000%sureyou'vealreadyhad
enough.Here,sitdown.I'llgetyousomewater,"
hesaid,guidingmetothecouch.
Islowlydranksomeofthewaterhebrought
me,butstillspilledsomeonbothofus.
"Shit,I'llberightback.Makeyourselfat
home,ifyoucanfindanything,"Isaid,stumbling
away.Iclumsilychangedmyclothesandgrabbed
atowelandanextrat-shirtforWes.
ButwhenIgotbacktothelivingroom,he
wascompletelynaked,droppinghisclothesinto
thedryer.
"Whatthehellareyoudoing?"Ishouted.
"WhenIstoodup,thewaterrandownmy
pants,duh.Iwasn'tgonnasitaroundwet,"he
replied.
"Well,here!Coverup,"Ishouted,throwing
thetowelandshirttohimandtryingnottolook
belowhisneckline."I'llgograbsomesweatpants
orsomething."
Suddenlyfeelingmuchmoresober,I
quicklyrummagedthroughboxesandfounda
pairofMark'spajamasthatIhadtakenby
mistake.Idroppedtothefloorandstarted
crying.
"Doyouwantmetoputonpantsornot?"
Wescalled,comingintotheroom."Oh,hey,
what'swrong?"
"ThefirstpantsIfoundareMark's,"I
sobbed.
"Oh,no,Adam.Don'tcry,comehere,"he
said,droppingtothefloornexttomeand
wrappinghisarmsaroundme.Hehuggedme
whileIcrieduntilitwasoutofmysystem.
WhenIhadfinallycalmeddown,Irealized
thatforthefirsttimeinalmostayear,someone
wastakingcareofme.Iwasn'ttryingtotakecare
ofhimoranticipatehisneeds.Hewasthere
forme.Thatrealizationcoupledwiththe
overindulgencefromtheeveningledmetodo
somethingsoenormouslystupidthatImaynever
livedowntheembarrassment.
Ilookedupathim,hesmiled,andIkissed
him.Ifullyexpectedhimtopunchmeinthe
face,buthesurprisedmebykissingmeback.I
wasverybrieflycaughtupinanadrenalinerush.
Thenhespoke.
"God,thisisperfect.Webothneededtoget
laid,"hesaid.
SuddenlyIrememberedallofthereasons
whyWeswasnotsomeoneIwouldnormally
considerdoingthiswith.Itwasn'tthathewasn't
attractive.Hewas,inaverybasic-handsome-
young-white-manway.Hisblondehairwasstyled
inatrendycutandhewasingoodphysicalshape.
Hewasgenerallynicetolookat.Buthewasalso
oneofthemostirritatingpeopleI'devermet.He
wasself-centeredbeyondreason,loud,and
careless.Ofcourse,bythenextmorning,I'dthink
ofmyselfasamuchworsepersonthanthat.
Plus,Ihadliterallybeenseparatedfrommy
husbandforoneday.Itwasmuchtoosoon.ButI
wasverydrunk,andhewasyoungandattractive,
gratingpersonalitybedamned.Igrabbedhimand
kissedhimagain.
"Ohmygod.I'vealwayssecretlythoughtyou
weresohot,"hesaid,takingabreath."Notlike...
hot-hot,butlike...teacher-hot."
"Hey,domeafavorifwe'regonnadothis?
Don'ttalk,"Isaid.
Therestwasablurofmoredrinksand
thingsthatI'donlydonewithMarkforthelasttwo
decades.IalmostsoberedupwhenIhadto
explaintoWesthatmylastnamewasonlyDiaz
bymarriagebecauseheaskedmeto,"say
somethingsexyinSpanish,"butacoupleofshots
ofwhiskeygotmerightbackintoit.Whenitwas
over,Ifeltbothrelievedandguilty.ButIwastoo
fargonetoprocesstheguilt,soIdecidedtoavoid
tryingtoprocessituntilthenextday.
"Okay,Itakeitback.Youaredefinitely
morethanteacher-hot,"Wessaid,headingforthe
livingroom.
"Thanks,Iguess,"Ireplied."Whereareyou
going?"
"GottagetmyclothessoIcangetoutof
here,"hecalledback.Whenhere-enteredthe
bedroom,puttinghisclotheson,hecontinued,"If
Igohomenow,thisstaysafriendswithbenefits
thing.IfIspendthenight,it'sgonnabeweirdin
themorning."
"Oh,yeah,totally,"Isaid,pretendingto
understandthenowapparentlymuchmore
complicatedrulesofsexanddating.
"So,I'llseeyouatschooltomorrow,then.
Greatwork,bytheway,"hesaid,extendinghis
handforahigh-five.
Iawkwardlypressedmyhandagainsthis,
andthenhewasgone.WhenIheardhiscarpull
awaydownstairsandwassurehewasgone,I
rolledoverandshoutedintomypillow,one
searingthoughtrepeatinginmyhead:Whatthe
hellhaveIdone?
ChapterTwo|Mark
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
Icountedmyfingersoverandover,tryingto
calmmyselfdown.Thealternativewastoletinthe
badthoughtsthatIsoterriblywantedtogetoutof
mymind.Istoppedcountingtotrytopeakoutthe
windowtoseeifAdamhadpulledawayfromthe
houseyetandwasimmediatelygreetedwiththe
mentalimageofmyselffallingonthesidewalkand
arockstabbingmeintheeye.Backtocounting.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
Islowlymademywaythroughthehouseto
thecabinetwheremymedicationswerestored.
Icarefullyopenedthedoortothecabinet,being
suretokeepmyfaceawayfromthecorners.But
mymindwasovercomewiththeimageofthe
cornerofthedoorhittingmeintheeyeand
leavingsplintersembedded.Idroppedtothecold,
tilefloorandrubbedmyeyeseventimes,
reassuringmyselfthatitwasfine.Myhandswere
shakingtoomuchtocountmyfingers,soI
resortedtocountingthestripesontheshower
curtaintobringmyselfbacktoreality.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
WhenIcouldfinallybeartofacethe
cabinetagain,Iquicklysnatchedmy
medicationsanddartedoutoftheroom.AsI
hurriedintothefamilyroompastthesofa,myfoot
brushedthetasselofathrowblankethangingfrom
theside,andmymindwasfilledwithimagesof
snakessurroundingmeandbitingatmyfeet.I
scurriedintoanearbyreclinerandscratchedatmy
foot,tryingtoconvincemyselfthattheimagesin
myheadweren'treal.
AfterIcalmeddown,Itriedtocomeup
withsomethingtodistractmyself.Iconsidered
knitting,anoldhobbyIhadn'ttriedinawhile,and
instantlypicturedmyselfslippingandshovingone
oftheneedlesintomyeye.Backtotherubbing.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7
Iwalkedcarefullyupstairstoretrievemy
phoneandbacktotherecliner,countingmysteps
alongthewaytokeepmymindoccupied.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22....
IalmostdialedAdam'snumber,likea
reflex.Iremindedmyselfthatthatwasnolonger
anoptionandscrolledthroughmycontactsfor
otherideas.Workandmymarriagehad
consumedsomuchofmylifeinthelastseveral
yearsthatIhadn'tcommittedmuchtimeto
makingfriends.
Ourneighborswerefriendlyenough,but
likemostsmallcommunities,tendedtoerronthe
sideofgossip.Therewasacouplewehadbecome
friendswith,AmyandJason.Butthatfriendship
wasbornofAmyandAdamworkingtogether,soI
wasn'tsureIshouldreachouttothem.
IcametothenumberofKate,anoldfriend
fromlawschoolanddecidedtocallandcatchup
withher,hopingaconversationwoulddistractme
longenoughformymedicationtokickin.I
pushedthecallbuttonandlistenedtotheringing.
Youknowsheneveractuallylikedyou,the
voiceinmyheadblared.Sheonlypretendedtobe
yourfriendbecauseyouwouldn'tstoptalkingto
herinclass.
"Shutup.Shutup.Shutup.Shutup.Shut
up,"Iwhisperedtomyself.
"Hi.You'vereachedthevoicemailofKate
Sanchez.Ifthisisrelatedtoalegalmatter,please
callmyoffice.Ifthisisapersonalcall,pleaseleave
amessageandIwillgetbacktoyouaspromptlyas
possible.Thankyou,"themachinechirped.
Itoldyou,thevoicegloated.Youcoulddial
everynumberonthatphoneandnooneisgoing
topickupbecausenoonewantstotalktoyou.
You'reaburden.Youalwayshavebeen.Andnow
thatyouruinedyourcareerandyourmarriage,no
onehastopretendotherwiseanymore.
Iremindedmyselfthatthevoice
wasmyvoice–thatIcouldgetcontrolofitbackif
Itriedhardenough.Imademywaytothe
kitchen,gatheredsuppliestomakecookies,and
turnedonthesmallTVinthecorneroftheroom.
BakingandJudgeJudyrerunsweretwoofmy
favoritepastimes.Surelybothatthesametime
wouldeasemymindlongenoughformy
medicationtocalmmedown.
Myfatherhadalwayslovedtocook.We
veryseldomateoutwhenIwasachildforthe
simplereasonthathelovedtobeinthekitchen.
Someofmyclearest,fondestmemoriesofhimare
oneswhereheletmehelphimwithwhateverhe
wascooking.Ineverquitepickeduphisskills,but
Iwasmuchbetteratbaking.Theprecision
requiredforitclickedbetterinmymind,I
suppose,soIdidthattofeelclosetohimafterhe
died.Still,Ikeptastackofhisoldrecipesinmy
ownrecipebox,hopingsomedayI'dworkupthe
nervetotrythemmyself.
Ibeganmixingingredients,weighingeach
meticulously,andcarefullycombiningthem,
finallyfocusedenoughonsomethingtoblockout
anydisturbingmentalimages.Islidtheprepared
cookiedoughintotheovenjustintime.
Theweightedhazeofthemedicationsetin
andIhadtositdown.Ihatedthewayitmademe
feel,likeIwassedatedandjustdriftingthrough
life.Butitwasbetterthanthealternative.
IturnedmyattentiontotheTVandtriedto
engagemyselfinagameIlikedtoplaytotryto
wakemyselfupabit.Iwatchedtheridiculous
guestsonJudgeJudytrytoarguetheirsidesand
imaginedwhatkindofcaseIwouldbuildifIwere
hiredtorepresenteitherofthem.Theshowwent
toacommercialbreakandIleanedmyheadback
andclosedmyeyes.Ialmostdozedoff,buta
commercialcaughtmyattention.
Itadvertisedawebtherapysite,andfeatured
afewglowingreviewsofthe
"licensedlocalprofessionals."Notlongbefore,I
wouldhavelaughedattheideaofsomethinglike
that.ButIhadprettymuchhitrockbottom,and
sawnothingelsetolosefromgivingitashot.
Iwaiteduntilthecookieswerefinishedand
setthemouttocoolwhileIretreatedtomyoffice.
IsatintheoversizedchairthatAdamboughtme
forourfirstweddinganniversarybecausehe
thoughtsittinginmyoldonefelt,"likesitting
insomethingWednesdayAddamsdesignedto
tortureregularpeople."
Isunkdownintothechairandpickedupa
nearbyphotoofAdam.Hehadbeensmilingat
measItookthepicture.Behindhisdarkbrown
hairthesunsetwascreatingahaloeffect.Hisblue
eyeswereshiningasbrightasever.Thatpicture
wasatonetimeasourceofcomfort,butitmade
mefeelsadwithhimgone.
Iturnedthephotodownandallowedmyself
togetlostinmemoriesofourlifetogether.I
thoughtbacktothebigmoments–thefirsttime
wemet,thefirstnightwespentinthehouse,the
proposal,thewedding–eachonenowjustan
echoofalovethathaderodedunderpressure,
possiblybeyondrepair.
Isignedupforthewebsiteandwas
surprisedtofindthatIcouldspeakwithatherapist
injustafewminutes.WhileIwaited,Ireturnedto
mythoughts.Itriedtothinkofgoodtimes,happy
memoriesthatwouldremindmethatIhad
somethingtofightfor.
IthoughtaboutthenightIfirstsaid,"Ilove
you,"toAdam.Ihadn'tplannedit.We'dgone
hikingearlierinthedayandIkeptlookingoverat
himashetalkedtomeandfeltcompletelyand
totallyenamoredwiththewayhiseyessomehow
seemedtoshinebrighterthanthegoldensun
beamingdownonus.
Thatnight,wepickeduptacosfromhis
favoritetruck,andIfeltgiddywatchinghow
happilyhetalkedtothepeoplethereand
rememberedexactlywhatIliked.Wewentback
tohisplaceandhadjuststartedeatingwhena
stormrolledinandknockedthepowerout.He
didn'thaveaflashlight,buthedidhaveacandle
we'dboughttheweekbeforeatarenaissancefair.
Helitthecandleandpulledmeupand
startedtoleadmeindancing.WhenIsaidwe
neededmusic,hestartedhummingoneofmy
favoritesongs.Ilaidmyheadonhisshoulderand
sighed,"Iloveyou."Hesaiditback,hisbeautiful
eyesradiatinginthecandlelight;andeverything
elsegrewfromthatmoment.
Igotemotionalandlostcontrol.Mymind
wasfloodedwithimagesofAdamgettingintoacar
accidentonhiswaytohisnewapartment.
Anditwouldbeallyourfault,thevoicein
myheadchimedin.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....
Icountedmyfingersandtookdeepbreaths.
MyheartwaspoundingsohardIcouldfeelitin
myeardrums.IfeltlikeImightpassout.Then
thecomputerchimedandIsnappedoutofit.
"Goodafternoon,Mr.Diaz,"achippervoice
saidthroughthespeakers.
Ilookeduptofindawomansmilingatme
onthescreen.Shewasyoung,probablyinher
mid-twenties.Sheappearedverywellput-together.
Hersuitwasneatlypressedandherlongbrown
hairwaspulledintoatightbun.Buthersmilewas
warmandhereyeskind.
"Um,hello,"Imuttered.
"Hi.MynameisDr.Rodriguez.Youcan
callmeHannahifyou'dlike.Whateveryou're
mostcomfortablewith,"shesaid.
"Thanks,"Isaid,barelyaudible.Iwas
suddenlyverynervous.HadIjumpedintothis
prematurely?WasIactuallyreadyforthisstranger
toaskmepersonalquestions?
Noturningbacknow,Ithoughttomyself.
"Whydon’tyoustartbytellingmealittle
aboutyourself?"sheasked."Let'sstartwithage,
occupation,maritalstatus,thebasics."
Maritalstatus?Ouch.Dittooccupation.
"Okay-so-I-um-I'm39yearsold,"Istarted
shakily."I-um-technicallyamunemployedright
now,butInormallyamadefenseattorney.And,
well,asofacoupleofhoursago,Iamseparated
frommyhusband."
"I'msorrytohearthat,"shesaid,seemingly
genuine."Isthatwhatpromptedyoutocontactus
today?"
"Yesandno–sortof,"Isaid.
"Let'sstartwiththeyes,"shesaid,smiling
sympathetically."Howareyoufeelingaboutthe
separation?Itakeitthiswasn'tyourdecision?"
"Notexactly,"Ireplied."Imean,Iagreed
thatheshouldgo,ifhewanted;andwhenit
becameclearthathereallydidwantto,Ididn'ttry
tostophim."
"Whynot?"sheaskedpointedly.
"Itdidn'tseemlikeIhadarighttoargue.He
didn'twanttobewithmeanymore,andIcouldn't
reallyblamehim,"Ianswered.
"I'mguessingthatbringsustothe"no"part
ofwhyyoucametous,"shesaid."Canyoutellme
whyyoufeltthatway?"
"IsupposeIfeltlikeI'dbecomesomething
ofaburdentohim,"Isaidafteralongpause."I-
um-IhavebeenstrugglingwithOCDandmajor
depressionforthelastyearorso."
"Isee,"shesaidthoughtfully."Haveyou
beenseeinganyonefortreatmentandmedication
beforetoday?"
"Well,Iwas.Ihaven'tinawhile,"I
admitted."Forthepastfewmonths,Ihaven'treally
beenabletoleavemyhome.Ijust-"Ipaused.I
couldhearmyownvoicewavering."Idon'teven
feelsafehere.Thethoughtofsettingfootinthe
realworldwhereIhavenocontroloveranything
istooterrifying."
"Iunderstand,"shesaid.Shepausedfora
momentandsmiled."Ihavesomegoodnewsfor
you,Mr.Diaz.Wecanfixthis.
Iabsolutelybelievethat.OCDisanastybeast,but
itismanageable.Weneedtospeakmoreindepth
ofcourse,andprobablychangeyourmedication
upabit,butIbelievewecangetyoubackonyour
feet.Ican'tpromisethatallofyoursymptomswill
disappearcompletely,orthatalloftheproblems
thatthisdiseasehascausedforyouwillsuddenly
repairthemselves.ButIcanpromisetobehere
foryou,andhelpyoulearntotakebackcontrolof
yourlife.Canyoutrustmetohelpyou?"
Itookadeepbreath.Ihadbeentoafew
differentpsychiatristsoverthelastyear,andhadn't
gottenanywherewithanyofthem.TosaythatI
washesitanttotrustanotheronewouldbea
massiveunderstatement.Butsheseemedsincerely
interestedinhelpingandIwasinnopositionto
turnthatdown.SoIfinallysaid,"Yes,Ithinkso."
"Great,"shesaid,beaming."ThenI'dliketo
askyousomemorequestionsnow,ifthat'sokay."
"Ofcourse,"Ireplied.
"Haveyoubeentakingyourmedication
regularly?"sheasked.
"Ihave,andithelpsforabit;butitalso
makesmefeeltooheavilysedatedtofunction
much,"Iexplained.
"Okay.Well,wedefinitelyhaveoptionson
thatfront,"shesaid."I'mgoingtowriteyoua
prescriptionforsomethingnewthathopefully
won'tgiveyouthatdrowsyfeeling.We'lltrythat
foracoupleofweeksandseewherethatgetsus.
Inthemeantime,I'dliketotrytounpackwhat's
happeningtoyouandwhatmayhavetriggeredit
inthislaterstageofyourlifeasopposedtoearly
adulthood.Yousaidyou'veonlybeen
experiencingthesesymptomsforaboutayear.
Didanythingtraumatichappenaroundthetime
thatyoursymptomsstarted?Perhapsmarital
issues?"
Ithoughtbackandtriedtodiscernwhenthe
symptomsactuallystarted."Isupposeitstarted
shortlyaftermydaddied,"Isaid."Wewerealso
tryingtoadoptatthetimeanditfellthrough.My
symptomsstartedoutinnocentlyenough.I
suddenlybecameveryparticularaboutwhere
thingswent,butplentyofpeopleareparticular.So
Ididn'tthinkanythingofit."
Itookashallowbreathandcontinued,
"Thentheaversiontogermskickedin.Aclient
sneezedonmydesk–somethingthatI'msurehad
happenedatleastoncebefore.ButIcouldn'tstop
obsessingoverit.Ifeltlikemyskinwasonfire.I
triedtowipedowntheareainfrontofwhereshe'd
beensitting,andthathelpedforafewminutes,but
thenIjustkeptthinkingthatitwasstilldirty.As
thedaywentonIbecameconvincedthatthere
wassometypeofairbornediseaseinmyoffice
andthatitwouldkillme.Bythetimethedaywas
overIhadscrubbedeverythingonthedeskand
ultimatelyorderedanewoneandtoldmyassistant
Iwouldbeworkingfromhomeuntilitarrived.
Everythingwentdownhillfromthere."
Hersmilehadfadedslightly,andshelooked
concernedassheasked,"Yousayyourfather
passedrecently?Werethetwoofyouclose?"
Iwantedtogiveanhonestanswer,soItried
toseriouslyconsiderwhatourrelationshiphad
beenlike.
Theansweris"no",moron,thevoiceinmy
headinterrupted.You'renotclosewithanyone
becausenoonewouldeverwanttobecloseto
you.
Thenmymindfixatedonanimageofmy
father,lyinglifelessinhisbed.Idesperatelybegan
countingmyfingers.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...
"Mr.Diaz?Mr.Diaz,"IheardDr.
Rodriguezcalling."Ilostyouforaminutethere.
Areyouokay?"sheaskedasIfinallycamebackto
reality.
"I'msorry,"Iquicklyanswered."Ijust-"
"Youwerehavingacompulsion,"shesaid.I
noddedweaklyandshecontinued,"MayIaskifit
wastriggeredbysomething?Wastherean
obsessivethought?It'sokayifyouaren'treadyto
talkaboutit."
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
IcontinuedcountingwhileIexplained.
"Whenmydaddied,"Ibeganweakly,"Iwasthe
onewhofoundhisbody.Sometimestheimageof
himlyingthere,notmoving,notbreathing-"I
pausedtocomposemyself."Ithauntsme.It's
unshakable.Withtheotherobsessions,there's
somethingIcandotomanagethem.Butthisone
–thisoneeatsatmelikealivingnightmareuntil
mybraindecidesit'sdonetorturingme."
"I'msosorry.Icanonlyimaginehow
traumaticthatmustbe.Iaskedbeforeifyouhada
goodrelationshipwithyourfatherandthat
seemedtotriggerthementalimage.Isthat
becausetherelationshipwasstrained?"sheasked.
"Notatall,"Ianswered."Hewassortofmy
hero.Mymomwasneverreallyaroundsoitwas
justus.HealwaysmadesureIhadeverythingI
needed,evenifitmeanthehadtodowithout
something.Hesupportedmeunconditionally."
"Sonowthathe'sgone,doyouperhapsfeel
anabsenceofsorts?"sheasked.
"IguessIdo,"Isaid,theweightofthe
answersuddenlyhittingmelikeafreighttrain."I
guesswithouthimIfeellikethere'sthis
fundamentalpieceofmemissing–likeIhaveno
ideawhoIamorwhereIbelonganymore.Itfeels
like...likeIlostaleg,andnowIhavetolearnhow
towalkagain,onlythere'snoprosthetictocatch
me.SonomatterhowhardItry,Ijustkeep
falling."
That'snotbecauseyoulostyourdad,it's
becauseyou'reaworthlessnobody,thevoicein
myheadchimedin.Igrittedmyteeth,grippedthe
armsofmychairtightly,andignoredit.
"Iimaginethedissolutionofyourmarriage
hasonlycompoundedthatfeeling,"Dr.Rodriguez
said.
"Ofcourse,"Isaid."NowI'mcompletely
aloneandI...havenoideawheretoevenstart
pickingupthepiecesofmylife."
"Well,you'vealreadystarted,"shesaid,
smiling."You'veacknowledgedthatyouneedhelp
andyou'vereachedout.Thosearenotthingsto
takelightly.Treatingmentalillnessisallabout
babysteps,andyou'vestarteddowntheroadto
healing.Youshouldbeveryproudofthat."
Inoddedweakly,unsureIagreedwithher,
butwillingtobuyintoitforthetimebeing.
"Doyouhaveasupportsystemoutsideof
yourhusband?Arethereanyfriendsorother
familymembersyoucanturntowhenyoucan't
handlethingsalone?"sheasked.
"Notreally,"Iadmitted."Isupposethat'spart
oftheproblem.Mostofmysocialcirclewas
composedofworkcolleagues.Therestarefriends
IsharedwithAdamandI'mnotsurehowtotalk
tothemaboutourseparation."
"That'sunderstandable,"shesaid."Inthat
case,whatIwouldlikeforyoutodobeforeour
nextsession,assumingyoudecidetocontinue
workingwithme–andIhopeyoudo–isreach
outtosomeone.Itcanbeanyonewhoyoutrust.
Trytoopenuptothem.Evenifyoucan'ttalkto
themabouttheseissuesrightoffthebat,atleast
trytoopenthedoor.Ibelievetherapywillhelp,
butIalsobelievethatastrongsupportsystemin
yourdailylifeisvital.Canyoudothatforme?"
"Icantry,"Isaid.
Goodluck,dumbass.Noonewantstohear
fromyou,remember?Thevoiceinmyhead
continuedtomockme.
"Good,"Dr.Rodriguezsaid."WellIthink
that'saboutallwehavetimefortoday,butI'dlike
toscheduleanappointmentwithyouforthistime
nextweekifthat'sokay."Inoddedinagreement
andshecontinued,"Great.Inthemeantime,I'll
sendthisnewprescriptionovertoyourlocal
pharmacyforyou.I'dlikeforyoutotrykeepinga
logofanyparticularlystrongobsessionsor
compulsions,whatyouweredoingwhenthey
started,andhowyoumanagedthem.Emailthatto
methenightbeforeyournextappointmentsothat
Icangetabetterpictureofexactlywhatyou're
dealingwith."
"Iwill,"Isaid."Thankyou."
"Thankyouforreachingout,Mark.Itruly
believeyouaregoingtobeokay.Haveanice
week,"shesaid,warmly.
Islouchedbackintomychairand
wonderedwhattodowithmyselfforthenext
week.Istartedbrowsingnewsonlinetokeepmy
mindoccupied,butthetemptationtocheckinon
Adam'ssocialmediaprofileswastoostrong.SoI
movedawayfromthecomputerandwasjust
abouttostartcleaningthealreadycleanliving
roomwhenmyphonewentoff.
NewMessagefromKateSanchez,itread.
MaybeI'mnotsoaloneafterall,Ithought.
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