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Copyright©2017MichaelRyanWebb

Allrightsreserved.

ISBN:197371888XISBN-13:978-1973718888

Firstedition,2017

ChapterOne|Adam

“Becarefulwiththatplease,”Isaidtothe

moverwhowasclumsilyhandlingaboxfullof

kitchenwareasIwalkedbackintothehomeIwas

preparingtoleave.“Ithinkwe'rejustaboutdone,

Mark,”Icalledintothelivingroom.

Myhusband,Mark,timidlysteppedintothe

foyer,myfavoritebluethrowblanketinhishands.

Helookedpitiful.Histall,lankyframewasbeing

swallowedbyoneofmysweaters.His

normallytanskinwaspale,havingnotbeen

exposedtodirectsunlightinmonths.Hisjetblack

hairwasunusuallylong.

“Areyousure?”heasked.

Ilookedintohissad,browneyesand

wantednothingmorethantowraphiminmy

armsandtakeawayhispain.Butthelastyearhad

taughtmethattherewasnothingIcoulddo.He

wasfracturedandIwasinadequatelyequippedto

fixhimandexhaustedfromtrying,amongother

things.ButIcouldn'tspeakthewords,soIjust

nodded.

“Okay,”hewhispered,barelyaudible.“You

shouldtakethese,then.”Hehandedmethe

blanket,removedthesweater,foldeditneatly,and

placeditinmyhands.Underneathhewaswearing

at-shirtthatIgavetohimonourfirstChristmas

together.I'dthinkhewaswearingittotryto

manipulatemeintostayingifIdidn'tknowthatit

wasn'tinhisnature.Withouttheblankettohold,

hefellintohisdefaultactionofcountinghis

fingers.Ishudderedtothinkwhatmentalimage

hewastryingtodistractfrom.

“Lindafromnextdoorsaidshe'llpickup

yourmedicationsforyouifyouletherknowwhen

youneedthem.Makesureyoukeeptakingthem,”

Isaidtodistractusboth.“TheMillers'boyoffered

tobringgroceriesbackforyoufromoneofhis

shiftsatthestoreeveryweek.Justleavesome

moneyforhiminthegarageandhe'llleavethe

food.Ifyouneedanythingelse...”Itrailedoff.I'd

almosttoldhimtocallme,butthatcouldn'tbean

option.

Thetensionwasgraciouslybrokenbyone

ofthemoversannouncingthattheywerefinished.

“Youhavetogonow,”Marksaid.

“Ihavetogonow,”Iparroted.

“I'veneverbeendivorcedbefore.Arewe

supposedtohug,orlikeshakehands?Oristhis

moreofacordialnodandsmilesituation?”he

quipped,ahintofasmilebreakingacrosshis

unevenlybeardedface.Therewasatinyglimpse

ofthehumorI'dmissedsogreatly.Ifonlythere

hadbeenmoreofthesemomentsinthelastsix

monthsthanIcouldcountononehand.

“Ithinkoneofusissupposedtoenacta

crazyschemethatmayormaynotincludeposing

asanoldwoman.Atleast,that'swhatRobin

Williamswouldhavedone,”Ireplied.Ipaused,

unsurehowweweresupposedtoleavethings,

thensaid,“but,we'renotactuallydivorcedyet,

Mark.Ihaven'tevenfiled.Whoknows-”The

smileonhisfacequicklydissipated.

“Don'tgivemefalsehope,Adam,”he

interjected.“Please.”

“No,no,Iwasn'ttryingtodothat,”Isaid.

“I'msorry.”

Isawthemovingtruckpullawayoutofthe

cornerofmyeyeandslowlytrudgedtothefront

door.

“Iguessthisisgoodbye,then,”Isaid.

“Justlikethat?”heasked.

Irushedtowardhimandpulledhimintoa

tightembrace.Ihaven'tthefaintestideahowlong

itlasted.Itatoncefeltbothlikeaneternityanda

split-second.Hepulledawayfirst,takingmeby

surprise.

“Takecareofyourself,Adam,”hesaid.“I-I-

I-”hetrailedoff.

“Iknow,”Isaid.“Youtoo.”Ihurriedout

thedoor,lestIchangemymind.IheardMark

closeitgentlybehindme.Ithrewtheblanketand

sweatshirtintothebackseatofthe

carthatMarkhadboughtmetwoyearspriorfor

our5thweddinganniversary,andslidintothe

driver'sseat.Istartedthecarbutcouldn’tbring

myselftoputitindrive.Ilookedbackupatthe

housewe’dsharedforalmostadecadeand

thoughtbacktothedaywemovedin.

Markhadjustwonanotherbigcaseas

adefenseattorneyandthelonghourshadpaidoff

intheformofapromotiontopartnerandabonus

checkbigenoughtoallowustofinallymoveoutof

thecrappyapartmentwe’dlivedinsincecollege.

We’dspentoveramonthlookingathouses,

determinedtofindtheperfectfitforbothofus.

Whenourrealtorfinallybroughtustothis

moderatelysizedthreebedroomhouseinthe

suburbs,webalkedattheideaofit.Wehadn’t

evenentertainedthethoughtofchildrenyet.Plus,

IwasstillingraduateschoolandMarkhadjust

turned30.Thesuburbswerenoplaceforus,we

insisted.Butthesecondwesteppedinside,we’d

bothdroppedourhesitation.Withoutevenseeing

thewholething,itfeltlikehome.

Andoverthelastnineyears,we’dmadeit

one.Thehouseboremanysignsofourlife

together.Aftertwoyearsoflivingthere,wewere

marriedunderneaththelargeoaktreeinthe

backyardwhenouroriginalplansfell

through.Likelove-struckteenagers,wecarvedour

namesandthedateintothebarkofthetree.

Aterriblepaintingthatwemadetogetherat

oneofthosecheesyclasseswhereyougettipsyon

wineandtrytopainthunginthefoyer.It

wascoveringuptheterribledrywallrepairjob

we’ddoneafterIinsistedoncarryingMarkover

thethresholdafterourhoneymoonandstumbled

intothewall.

Therewerepermanentstainsonthecarpet

inthelivingroomfromthemanydinnerswe

sharedtherebecausethediningroomtablewas

invisibleunderneaththemountainofcombined

workfromMark’songoingcasesandmyresearch

formydoctoraldissertationandlater,papersIhad

tograde.

Yes,thehousecarriedmanymemoriesof

ourlifetogether.ButitwasthefrontporchthatI

foundmyselfunabletolookawayfrom.Itwas

there,sittinginfrontofthebrightreddoor,that

I’dproposedtoMarkonmy30thbirthday.A

coworkerhadjokinglyaskedmeifI’dgotten

everythingIwantedformy“bigday”anditsent

meintoatailspinofwonderingifIwaswhereI

wantedtobeatthatpointinmylife.I’drealized

bytheendofthedaythattherewasonlyonething

IfeltlikeIneeded–tobeMark’shusband.

We’dbeentogetherforalmosttenyearsby

thatpoint.Wetalkedasifweweregoingtobe

togetherforever,butneitherofushadever

broughtupanactualmarriage.Ofcourse,ithadn’t

reallybeenanoptionforalotofour

relationship.ButitwasfinallylegalinCalifornia

wherewelivedatthatpoint,andI’ddecidedIwas

ready.

I’drushedhomethatafternoon,eagerto

planaproposalbeforeMarkgothomefromwork.

ButwhenIgotthere,he’dalreadyorganizeda

surprisepartyforme.AsmuchasI’dappreciated

andenjoyedtheparty,Iwasanxioustotalktohim

aboutgettingmarried.

Whileeveryonewasdistractedwithcake,I’d

snuckupstairsandretrievedasmall,stainedglass

jaroutofaboxinthebackofmycloset.Itonce

heldacandleweboughtonadatetoarenaissance

fair.Thatcandlehadbeenburningatdinnerthe

nightMarkfirsttoldmelovedme.Whenitran

out,I’dsavedthejarasareminderofthatnight.

SinceIdidn’thavearing,I’dhopedthata

reminderofourlovecouldserveasatokenfor

theproposal.

Anditworked.IpulledMarkouttositon

theporchtogetherandthankedhimfortheparty.

He’dpokedfunathowsurprisedIwasbefore

askingwhatI’dwantedtotalkabout.

“SomebodyaskedmewhatIwantedformy

birthdayearlier,”Isaid.“Anditmademerealize

howgoodwhatwehaveis.We’recreatingthis

beautifullifetogetherthatissomuchmorethanI

everdreamedIcouldhave.There’sonlyonething

Ireallywant-you.Imean,forever,forreal.Imean

–WhatI’mtryingtosayis-”

“OfcourseI’llmarryyou,”he’dinterrupted,

hisfaceglowingwiththatsmilethathadalways

givenmebutterflies.“What’sthejarfor?”he’d

asked.

“Idon’thavearing,”I’dexplained.“But

I’vesavedthissincethefirstnightwesaidIlove

you,andIwantedtogiveyousomethingto

remindyouthatIstillloveyou,andIalwayswill.”

Helovedthegesture.Afteralloftheparty

guestsdispersed,wesatontheporchplanninga

weddinganddiscussingourfuture.We’dspent

manynightssincethensittingonthatporch,

talkingaboutourworkandourdreams.Itwas

hardtothinkaboutneversittingthereacrossfrom

Markagain.Butlifedoesn’taskforpermissionto

change,andaftereverythingthathadbeenthrown

atusovertheprecedingyear,IfeltlikeIhadno

choicebuttogo,forbothofoursakes.

Ipicturedusonthatporchonelasttime-

happyandinlove,fullofhope-thenslowlypulled

awayfromthecurb.Ihadmanagedtoavoid

becomingemotionalthroughmostoftheprocess

leadinguptothisday,butinthatmoment,leaving

ourhomeforthelasttime,Ifinallybrokedown.

IcalmedmyselfdownwhenIgottomynew

apartmentforlongenoughtoletthemoversin,

butthenIsatbackinthecarandsobbed

uncontrollably.HadImadeamistake?WasIa

monsterforgivinguponamanIlovedsodeeply

justbecausethingshadgottendifficult?Icouldn’t

facetheanswerstothosequestions.AllIknewwas

thatwe’dagreed.Hewasn’tgettinganybetter;I

wasn’thelping;andsomespacewoulddobothof

ussomegood.

WhenIfinallycalmeddown,Ihelpedthe

moversunloadeverything,paidthem,andstarted

unpacking.Unsurprisingly,alargemajorityofmy

belongingscarriedmemoriesofMark.That

provedtoopainfultodealwithrightaway.SoI

justsatonmybaremattress,surroundedbyboxes

Iwastooafraidtoopen.

Youwantedthis,Ithoughttomyself.You

neededthis.Youweresuffocating.

Iwentforawalktotrytocalmmynerves.

TheuniversitywhereItaughtwasonlyafew

blocksaway,soIwalkedtomyfavoritespoton

campustotrytorelax.Isatinacourtyardand

facedastatueofanopenbooksittinginthe

middleofafountain.Thesteadywaterflowwas

peacefulenoughtoallowmetoclearmymind.

Recommittedtomydecision,Iwentbackto

mynewhomeandunpacked.Itriedtosleep

afterward,buttheemptinessnexttomeinthebed

wasimpossibletoignore.Despiteallhisbusy

nightsworkingoncases,MarkandIhadn’tspent

anightapartin16years.ItriedtowatchTV,but

sincemycableandinternethadn’tbeeninstalled

yet,Ionlyhadonefuzzychanneloption.

ThemovieHopeFloatswasplaying,andI

foundmyselfwishingthatIcouldtradeplaceswith

SandraBullock’scharacter.Atleastherhusband

wasanassholewhocheatedonher.Thiswould

havebeensomucheasierifMarkhadcheatedon

meandgivenmeareasontohatehim.

Butthetruthwas,hehadn’tdoneanything

wrong.He’dbeenstrugglingwithamentalillness

thatIcouldn’tunderstandorhelphimwith,no

matterhowhardI’dtried,andwehadsimply

grownapart.Wejustdidn’tfitanymore.The

problemwasthatIstillsodesperatelywantedus

to.

ItossedandturnedforseveralhoursuntilI

finallyfellasleepoutofsheerexhaustion.The

nextmorning,Ioverslept.Forsomanyyears,

Markgotupatexactlyfiveo’clockinthemorning

togetaheadstartonhisworkfortheday,andI

hadgrownusedtohimwakingmeuplaterinthe

morning.Evensincehe'dbeenoutofwork,he'd

continuedthatroutine.Itneverevenoccurredto

metosetanalarm.

Getyourshittogether,Adam,Ithoughtto

myselfasIracedtogetdressedandgettowork.I

managedtomakeittoclassrightontime,but

didn’thavetimetopracticemypreparedlecture.

So,Idecidedtojustwingit.Itwasanintermediate

levelcreativewritingclass,soIaskedthestudents

towriteonepageaboutabigeventduringtheir

summerfromanoutsider'sperspectiveandgave

themthehourtoworkonitwhileIlookedover

mynotesformynext,moreadvancedclass.

Afterward,asIporedovertheirworkand

madenotesofwhatareastofocusonthroughout

thesemesterforeachstudent,Icameacrossa

longerthanrequiredentry.Thestudent,Lauren,

detailedhertumultuousrelationshipdramawith

heron-again,off-againboyfriend.He’dclaimedto

becompletelycommittedtoheratthebeginning

oftheyear,“forrealthistime.”

So,attheendofthespringsemester,she’d

transferredhereandmovedacrossthecountryto

bewithhim,onlytohavehimgrowdistantand

eventuallybreakupwithher,leavinghertofinda

newplacetoliveandgetthroughatleastthenext

semesterinanewplacewheresheknewonlyhim.

Throughout,shetooktheviewpointofa

concernedfriendwatchingherselfmakebad

decisions,butnevertriedtopaintherselfasa

victim.

Imarveledatherresilience.Howweakwas

IthatIwasfallingapartinanewsettingofmyown

design,whilethisyoungwomanwashandling

beingleftinthelurchlikeachamp?WhatwasI

doingmopingaround?Thewholepointofthis

separationwassothatIcouldhavethespaceIfelt

likeIneeded.Ispentsolongfeelinglikeajerkfor

wantingitbeforeIdecidedIreallydidneedit.So

whydiditstillfeelterriblenowthatIhadit?

Iremindedmyselfthatthiswassupposedto

bebetter,anddecidedtoreallytryhardertoenjoy

mynewfoundfreedomandbehappy.Imade

planswithacoupleofcolleaguestogooutfor

drinksthatevening,andmanagedtogetthrough

therestofmydaywithoutlettingmyselfgetdown

again.

Attheendoftheday,thethoughtofwaiting

aroundmyapartmentseemedlikeaskingfor

trouble,soIheadedovertothebarearly.Sofia's

place,namedafterherself,waspopularwith

teachersbecauseitwastheonlybarintownthat

hadastrict25anduppolicy.Sofiaherselfstill

tendedthebar,andshehadnopatienceforthe

drunkshenanigansofcollegestudents.

So,Iscootedintoaboothinthebackand

ordereddinnerandadrinktopassthetime.By

thetimemycolleagues,AmyandWes,arrived,I

wasonmyfourthrumandCoke.Amy,atinyball

ofenergywithblackhairanddistractinglygreen

eyes,wasarecentdoctorategraduatespecializing

inVictorianGothicfiction.We'dbondedovera

sharedsenseofhumorandourhusbandsgot

alongwell,sowe'dspendplentyoftimetogether

overtheyears.

Weswasstillagraduatestudent,buthad

attachedhimselftomeuponlearningthatIwasan

openlygayprofessor.Asagaymanhimself,I

supposehethoughtwe'dhaveplentyincommon.

Wedidn’t.I'donlyreallyinvitedhimalong

becausehehadawayofeasilyfillinganysilenceor

gapsinconversation,andIthoughtitwouldbe

easytoavoidtalkingaboutmyseparationwithhim

around.

Ironically,Weshadjustgonethrougha

breakuphimselfandhearinghimprocessitby

speakingaboutitmademefeellikeIshouldtryit

too.WhenAmyfinallyaskedmeifanythingnew

happenedwithmeoverthesummer,Itossedback

mydrinkandsaid,"IleftMark."

Theirreactionsimmediatelymademeregret

mywords.Amywasnotoriouslynon-interestedin

otherpeople'sdrama,buthermouthdropped

openandhereyesdartedbackandforthbetween

meandWes.Weschokedonhisdrink.

"Whatareyoutalkingabout?What

happened?"Amyasked.

"There'sofficiallynohopeformenow,"

Weslamented.

"Shutup,"Amysaid,smackinghisarm.

"Whendidthishappen?"

"Yesterday,"Iwhispered.

"Ohmygod.Areyouokay?"Amyasked.

"Yesterday?Sweetiewhatareyoudoingout?

Youshouldbeathomeeatingicecreaminsweats

andtrollingGrindrwhileyouwatchbadTV,"Wes

opined.

"Wes,"Amysaidthroughgrittedteeth,

"Couldyougetussomemoredrinks?"

"ButI'mgonnamissthedrama,"hewhined.

IsawAmytrytodiscreetlystomponhisfoot

underthetableandwantedoutofthe

conversation.

"I'lldoit,"Isaid."I'llberightback."

Itrudgeduptothebarand

foundSofiarestocking.Shewasanolderwoman

who'dcometoAmericafromMexicoasayoung

girl.Shewasnowprobablyinherlate60s,but

shestillhadthefireofa20-something.Shehada

big,heartylaughthatcouldfilltheentirebar,and

mostofthewrinklesonherfaceappearedtobe

smilelines.Ihadn'tbeenmuchofadrinkerinthe

lastdecade,butwhenIdidIalwaysenjoyedgoing

toherplaceandtalkingwithher.

"What'llitbe,blue-eyes?"sheasked,ina

deepsoutherndrawlthatremindedmeofmy

smallTexanhometown,asIapproached.

"Anotherroundformeandthegang,

ma'am.Makemineadouble,please,"Ianswered.

Shemadethedrinkswithalltheflairyou'd

expectofsomeonewithherexperience,handed

themover,watchedmechugmine,andlaughedas

shepouredmeanother.

"Ihopethatsexyhusbandofyoursisonhis

waytogetyou.Drivingjustwentoutthewindow

forya,youngman,"shequipped,holdingherhand

outformykeys.

"Well,he'snotreallymyhusband

anymore...Sothat'dbeasurprise,"Isaid,handing

hermykeys.Ihadn'tmeanttosaythat,butI'dalso

losttrackofhowmanydrinksI'dhadbythen.

"Losiento,mijo,"shesaid.Shegrabbedtwo

glassesandfilledthemup."Tofreshstarts,"she

said,holdinguponeoftheglasses.Itappedmy

glassagainsthersandwedrank.

"Areyousupposedtobedrinkingwhileyou

bartend?"Iasked.

"Honey,I'magrown-asswomanandthis

hereismybar.IdowhatIwant,"shesaid,

winking."Nowgoonbacktoyourfriends.

Thegringolookslikehe's'boutreadytoexplode

waitingforyatocomeback"

Ithankedherandmademywaybacktomy

seat.AmyandWeswere,ofcourse,bickering

whenIreachedthem.Theyquicklyshushedeach

otherasIsatbackdownandstaredatme

expectantly.

"Well,whathappened?"Wesfinallyasked,

practicallyshouting.

Itookalongdrinkandadeepbreathbefore

finallysaying,"Itjustwasn'tworking.Idon'tknow.

Maybeitcanstillworkout.Maybethisseparation

willgiveusbothtimetogettoaplacewherewe're

betterforeachother.ButfornowIjust

needspace."

"Oh,Adam.I'msosorry,"Amysaid.Her

phonebuzzed."Oh,great.It'sJason.Hetriedto

changetheoilinhiscarwithoutmeandcan't

figureoutwhattodo.MindifIgocallhim?"

"Actually,Ibettergetgoinganyway,"Ilied,

notwantingtothinkaboutthefactthatshestill

hadahappymarriage."Stillhavealotof

unpackingtodo."

"Okay,wellyoucallmeifyouneed

anything,"shesaid."Wes,IfeellikeI'mgoingto

regretasking,butcanyoupleasemakesurehe

getshomesafely?"

"Obviously,"Wesreplied,rollinghiseyes.

Iswallowedwhatwasleftofmydrinkand

slowlyfumbledmywaybackoutofthebooth.In

thetimeI'dbeenbackfromthebar,allofthose

drinkshadhitmeprettyhard.Weshelpedmeout

tohiscarandspokedramaticallyabouthowhard

singlelifewasashedrovemebacktomy

apartment.Icouldn'tkeepupwithhisspeech.So

Ijustnoddedandleanedagainstthewindow.

Afterwhatfeltlikehours,wefinallyarrived

atmyapartment.IinsistedIcouldgetupstairsby

myself,butstumbledbythethirdstep.Wes

rushedtosteadymeandhelpedmeupthestairs.

"Youwannacomeinforanotherdrink?"I

asked,mywordsalreadyslurringasIstruggledto

openthedoor.

"I'mlike1000%sureyou'vealreadyhad

enough.Here,sitdown.I'llgetyousomewater,"

hesaid,guidingmetothecouch.

Islowlydranksomeofthewaterhebrought

me,butstillspilledsomeonbothofus.

"Shit,I'llberightback.Makeyourselfat

home,ifyoucanfindanything,"Isaid,stumbling

away.Iclumsilychangedmyclothesandgrabbed

atowelandanextrat-shirtforWes.

ButwhenIgotbacktothelivingroom,he

wascompletelynaked,droppinghisclothesinto

thedryer.

"Whatthehellareyoudoing?"Ishouted.

"WhenIstoodup,thewaterrandownmy

pants,duh.Iwasn'tgonnasitaroundwet,"he

replied.

"Well,here!Coverup,"Ishouted,throwing

thetowelandshirttohimandtryingnottolook

belowhisneckline."I'llgograbsomesweatpants

orsomething."

Suddenlyfeelingmuchmoresober,I

quicklyrummagedthroughboxesandfounda

pairofMark'spajamasthatIhadtakenby

mistake.Idroppedtothefloorandstarted

crying.

"Doyouwantmetoputonpantsornot?"

Wescalled,comingintotheroom."Oh,hey,

what'swrong?"

"ThefirstpantsIfoundareMark's,"I

sobbed.

"Oh,no,Adam.Don'tcry,comehere,"he

said,droppingtothefloornexttomeand

wrappinghisarmsaroundme.Hehuggedme

whileIcrieduntilitwasoutofmysystem.

WhenIhadfinallycalmeddown,Irealized

thatforthefirsttimeinalmostayear,someone

wastakingcareofme.Iwasn'ttryingtotakecare

ofhimoranticipatehisneeds.Hewasthere

forme.Thatrealizationcoupledwiththe

overindulgencefromtheeveningledmetodo

somethingsoenormouslystupidthatImaynever

livedowntheembarrassment.

Ilookedupathim,hesmiled,andIkissed

him.Ifullyexpectedhimtopunchmeinthe

face,buthesurprisedmebykissingmeback.I

wasverybrieflycaughtupinanadrenalinerush.

Thenhespoke.

"God,thisisperfect.Webothneededtoget

laid,"hesaid.

SuddenlyIrememberedallofthereasons

whyWeswasnotsomeoneIwouldnormally

considerdoingthiswith.Itwasn'tthathewasn't

attractive.Hewas,inaverybasic-handsome-

young-white-manway.Hisblondehairwasstyled

inatrendycutandhewasingoodphysicalshape.

Hewasgenerallynicetolookat.Buthewasalso

oneofthemostirritatingpeopleI'devermet.He

wasself-centeredbeyondreason,loud,and

careless.Ofcourse,bythenextmorning,I'dthink

ofmyselfasamuchworsepersonthanthat.

Plus,Ihadliterallybeenseparatedfrommy

husbandforoneday.Itwasmuchtoosoon.ButI

wasverydrunk,andhewasyoungandattractive,

gratingpersonalitybedamned.Igrabbedhimand

kissedhimagain.

"Ohmygod.I'vealwayssecretlythoughtyou

weresohot,"hesaid,takingabreath."Notlike...

hot-hot,butlike...teacher-hot."

"Hey,domeafavorifwe'regonnadothis?

Don'ttalk,"Isaid.

Therestwasablurofmoredrinksand

thingsthatI'donlydonewithMarkforthelasttwo

decades.IalmostsoberedupwhenIhadto

explaintoWesthatmylastnamewasonlyDiaz

bymarriagebecauseheaskedmeto,"say

somethingsexyinSpanish,"butacoupleofshots

ofwhiskeygotmerightbackintoit.Whenitwas

over,Ifeltbothrelievedandguilty.ButIwastoo

fargonetoprocesstheguilt,soIdecidedtoavoid

tryingtoprocessituntilthenextday.

"Okay,Itakeitback.Youaredefinitely

morethanteacher-hot,"Wessaid,headingforthe

livingroom.

"Thanks,Iguess,"Ireplied."Whereareyou

going?"

"GottagetmyclothessoIcangetoutof

here,"hecalledback.Whenhere-enteredthe

bedroom,puttinghisclotheson,hecontinued,"If

Igohomenow,thisstaysafriendswithbenefits

thing.IfIspendthenight,it'sgonnabeweirdin

themorning."

"Oh,yeah,totally,"Isaid,pretendingto

understandthenowapparentlymuchmore

complicatedrulesofsexanddating.

"So,I'llseeyouatschooltomorrow,then.

Greatwork,bytheway,"hesaid,extendinghis

handforahigh-five.

Iawkwardlypressedmyhandagainsthis,

andthenhewasgone.WhenIheardhiscarpull

awaydownstairsandwassurehewasgone,I

rolledoverandshoutedintomypillow,one

searingthoughtrepeatinginmyhead:Whatthe

hellhaveIdone?

ChapterTwo|Mark

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

Icountedmyfingersoverandover,tryingto

calmmyselfdown.Thealternativewastoletinthe

badthoughtsthatIsoterriblywantedtogetoutof

mymind.Istoppedcountingtotrytopeakoutthe

windowtoseeifAdamhadpulledawayfromthe

houseyetandwasimmediatelygreetedwiththe

mentalimageofmyselffallingonthesidewalkand

arockstabbingmeintheeye.Backtocounting.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

Islowlymademywaythroughthehouseto

thecabinetwheremymedicationswerestored.

Icarefullyopenedthedoortothecabinet,being

suretokeepmyfaceawayfromthecorners.But

mymindwasovercomewiththeimageofthe

cornerofthedoorhittingmeintheeyeand

leavingsplintersembedded.Idroppedtothecold,

tilefloorandrubbedmyeyeseventimes,

reassuringmyselfthatitwasfine.Myhandswere

shakingtoomuchtocountmyfingers,soI

resortedtocountingthestripesontheshower

curtaintobringmyselfbacktoreality.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8

WhenIcouldfinallybeartofacethe

cabinetagain,Iquicklysnatchedmy

medicationsanddartedoutoftheroom.AsI

hurriedintothefamilyroompastthesofa,myfoot

brushedthetasselofathrowblankethangingfrom

theside,andmymindwasfilledwithimagesof

snakessurroundingmeandbitingatmyfeet.I

scurriedintoanearbyreclinerandscratchedatmy

foot,tryingtoconvincemyselfthattheimagesin

myheadweren'treal.

AfterIcalmeddown,Itriedtocomeup

withsomethingtodistractmyself.Iconsidered

knitting,anoldhobbyIhadn'ttriedinawhile,and

instantlypicturedmyselfslippingandshovingone

oftheneedlesintomyeye.Backtotherubbing.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7

Iwalkedcarefullyupstairstoretrievemy

phoneandbacktotherecliner,countingmysteps

alongthewaytokeepmymindoccupied.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22....

IalmostdialedAdam'snumber,likea

reflex.Iremindedmyselfthatthatwasnolonger

anoptionandscrolledthroughmycontactsfor

otherideas.Workandmymarriagehad

consumedsomuchofmylifeinthelastseveral

yearsthatIhadn'tcommittedmuchtimeto

makingfriends.

Ourneighborswerefriendlyenough,but

likemostsmallcommunities,tendedtoerronthe

sideofgossip.Therewasacouplewehadbecome

friendswith,AmyandJason.Butthatfriendship

wasbornofAmyandAdamworkingtogether,soI

wasn'tsureIshouldreachouttothem.

IcametothenumberofKate,anoldfriend

fromlawschoolanddecidedtocallandcatchup

withher,hopingaconversationwoulddistractme

longenoughformymedicationtokickin.I

pushedthecallbuttonandlistenedtotheringing.

Youknowsheneveractuallylikedyou,the

voiceinmyheadblared.Sheonlypretendedtobe

yourfriendbecauseyouwouldn'tstoptalkingto

herinclass.

"Shutup.Shutup.Shutup.Shutup.Shut

up,"Iwhisperedtomyself.

"Hi.You'vereachedthevoicemailofKate

Sanchez.Ifthisisrelatedtoalegalmatter,please

callmyoffice.Ifthisisapersonalcall,pleaseleave

amessageandIwillgetbacktoyouaspromptlyas

possible.Thankyou,"themachinechirped.

Itoldyou,thevoicegloated.Youcoulddial

everynumberonthatphoneandnooneisgoing

topickupbecausenoonewantstotalktoyou.

You'reaburden.Youalwayshavebeen.Andnow

thatyouruinedyourcareerandyourmarriage,no

onehastopretendotherwiseanymore.

Iremindedmyselfthatthevoice

wasmyvoice–thatIcouldgetcontrolofitbackif

Itriedhardenough.Imademywaytothe

kitchen,gatheredsuppliestomakecookies,and

turnedonthesmallTVinthecorneroftheroom.

BakingandJudgeJudyrerunsweretwoofmy

favoritepastimes.Surelybothatthesametime

wouldeasemymindlongenoughformy

medicationtocalmmedown.

Myfatherhadalwayslovedtocook.We

veryseldomateoutwhenIwasachildforthe

simplereasonthathelovedtobeinthekitchen.

Someofmyclearest,fondestmemoriesofhimare

oneswhereheletmehelphimwithwhateverhe

wascooking.Ineverquitepickeduphisskills,but

Iwasmuchbetteratbaking.Theprecision

requiredforitclickedbetterinmymind,I

suppose,soIdidthattofeelclosetohimafterhe

died.Still,Ikeptastackofhisoldrecipesinmy

ownrecipebox,hopingsomedayI'dworkupthe

nervetotrythemmyself.

Ibeganmixingingredients,weighingeach

meticulously,andcarefullycombiningthem,

finallyfocusedenoughonsomethingtoblockout

anydisturbingmentalimages.Islidtheprepared

cookiedoughintotheovenjustintime.

Theweightedhazeofthemedicationsetin

andIhadtositdown.Ihatedthewayitmademe

feel,likeIwassedatedandjustdriftingthrough

life.Butitwasbetterthanthealternative.

IturnedmyattentiontotheTVandtriedto

engagemyselfinagameIlikedtoplaytotryto

wakemyselfupabit.Iwatchedtheridiculous

guestsonJudgeJudytrytoarguetheirsidesand

imaginedwhatkindofcaseIwouldbuildifIwere

hiredtorepresenteitherofthem.Theshowwent

toacommercialbreakandIleanedmyheadback

andclosedmyeyes.Ialmostdozedoff,buta

commercialcaughtmyattention.

Itadvertisedawebtherapysite,andfeatured

afewglowingreviewsofthe

"licensedlocalprofessionals."Notlongbefore,I

wouldhavelaughedattheideaofsomethinglike

that.ButIhadprettymuchhitrockbottom,and

sawnothingelsetolosefromgivingitashot.

Iwaiteduntilthecookieswerefinishedand

setthemouttocoolwhileIretreatedtomyoffice.

IsatintheoversizedchairthatAdamboughtme

forourfirstweddinganniversarybecausehe

thoughtsittinginmyoldonefelt,"likesitting

insomethingWednesdayAddamsdesignedto

tortureregularpeople."

Isunkdownintothechairandpickedupa

nearbyphotoofAdam.Hehadbeensmilingat

measItookthepicture.Behindhisdarkbrown

hairthesunsetwascreatingahaloeffect.Hisblue

eyeswereshiningasbrightasever.Thatpicture

wasatonetimeasourceofcomfort,butitmade

mefeelsadwithhimgone.

Iturnedthephotodownandallowedmyself

togetlostinmemoriesofourlifetogether.I

thoughtbacktothebigmoments–thefirsttime

wemet,thefirstnightwespentinthehouse,the

proposal,thewedding–eachonenowjustan

echoofalovethathaderodedunderpressure,

possiblybeyondrepair.

Isignedupforthewebsiteandwas

surprisedtofindthatIcouldspeakwithatherapist

injustafewminutes.WhileIwaited,Ireturnedto

mythoughts.Itriedtothinkofgoodtimes,happy

memoriesthatwouldremindmethatIhad

somethingtofightfor.

IthoughtaboutthenightIfirstsaid,"Ilove

you,"toAdam.Ihadn'tplannedit.We'dgone

hikingearlierinthedayandIkeptlookingoverat

himashetalkedtomeandfeltcompletelyand

totallyenamoredwiththewayhiseyessomehow

seemedtoshinebrighterthanthegoldensun

beamingdownonus.

Thatnight,wepickeduptacosfromhis

favoritetruck,andIfeltgiddywatchinghow

happilyhetalkedtothepeoplethereand

rememberedexactlywhatIliked.Wewentback

tohisplaceandhadjuststartedeatingwhena

stormrolledinandknockedthepowerout.He

didn'thaveaflashlight,buthedidhaveacandle

we'dboughttheweekbeforeatarenaissancefair.

Helitthecandleandpulledmeupand

startedtoleadmeindancing.WhenIsaidwe

neededmusic,hestartedhummingoneofmy

favoritesongs.Ilaidmyheadonhisshoulderand

sighed,"Iloveyou."Hesaiditback,hisbeautiful

eyesradiatinginthecandlelight;andeverything

elsegrewfromthatmoment.

Igotemotionalandlostcontrol.Mymind

wasfloodedwithimagesofAdamgettingintoacar

accidentonhiswaytohisnewapartment.

Anditwouldbeallyourfault,thevoicein

myheadchimedin.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....

Icountedmyfingersandtookdeepbreaths.

MyheartwaspoundingsohardIcouldfeelitin

myeardrums.IfeltlikeImightpassout.Then

thecomputerchimedandIsnappedoutofit.

"Goodafternoon,Mr.Diaz,"achippervoice

saidthroughthespeakers.

Ilookeduptofindawomansmilingatme

onthescreen.Shewasyoung,probablyinher

mid-twenties.Sheappearedverywellput-together.

Hersuitwasneatlypressedandherlongbrown

hairwaspulledintoatightbun.Buthersmilewas

warmandhereyeskind.

"Um,hello,"Imuttered.

"Hi.MynameisDr.Rodriguez.Youcan

callmeHannahifyou'dlike.Whateveryou're

mostcomfortablewith,"shesaid.

"Thanks,"Isaid,barelyaudible.Iwas

suddenlyverynervous.HadIjumpedintothis

prematurely?WasIactuallyreadyforthisstranger

toaskmepersonalquestions?

Noturningbacknow,Ithoughttomyself.

"Whydon’tyoustartbytellingmealittle

aboutyourself?"sheasked."Let'sstartwithage,

occupation,maritalstatus,thebasics."

Maritalstatus?Ouch.Dittooccupation.

"Okay-so-I-um-I'm39yearsold,"Istarted

shakily."I-um-technicallyamunemployedright

now,butInormallyamadefenseattorney.And,

well,asofacoupleofhoursago,Iamseparated

frommyhusband."

"I'msorrytohearthat,"shesaid,seemingly

genuine."Isthatwhatpromptedyoutocontactus

today?"

"Yesandno–sortof,"Isaid.

"Let'sstartwiththeyes,"shesaid,smiling

sympathetically."Howareyoufeelingaboutthe

separation?Itakeitthiswasn'tyourdecision?"

"Notexactly,"Ireplied."Imean,Iagreed

thatheshouldgo,ifhewanted;andwhenit

becameclearthathereallydidwantto,Ididn'ttry

tostophim."

"Whynot?"sheaskedpointedly.

"Itdidn'tseemlikeIhadarighttoargue.He

didn'twanttobewithmeanymore,andIcouldn't

reallyblamehim,"Ianswered.

"I'mguessingthatbringsustothe"no"part

ofwhyyoucametous,"shesaid."Canyoutellme

whyyoufeltthatway?"

"IsupposeIfeltlikeI'dbecomesomething

ofaburdentohim,"Isaidafteralongpause."I-

um-IhavebeenstrugglingwithOCDandmajor

depressionforthelastyearorso."

"Isee,"shesaidthoughtfully."Haveyou

beenseeinganyonefortreatmentandmedication

beforetoday?"

"Well,Iwas.Ihaven'tinawhile,"I

admitted."Forthepastfewmonths,Ihaven'treally

beenabletoleavemyhome.Ijust-"Ipaused.I

couldhearmyownvoicewavering."Idon'teven

feelsafehere.Thethoughtofsettingfootinthe

realworldwhereIhavenocontroloveranything

istooterrifying."

"Iunderstand,"shesaid.Shepausedfora

momentandsmiled."Ihavesomegoodnewsfor

you,Mr.Diaz.Wecanfixthis.

Iabsolutelybelievethat.OCDisanastybeast,but

itismanageable.Weneedtospeakmoreindepth

ofcourse,andprobablychangeyourmedication

upabit,butIbelievewecangetyoubackonyour

feet.Ican'tpromisethatallofyoursymptomswill

disappearcompletely,orthatalloftheproblems

thatthisdiseasehascausedforyouwillsuddenly

repairthemselves.ButIcanpromisetobehere

foryou,andhelpyoulearntotakebackcontrolof

yourlife.Canyoutrustmetohelpyou?"

Itookadeepbreath.Ihadbeentoafew

differentpsychiatristsoverthelastyear,andhadn't

gottenanywherewithanyofthem.TosaythatI

washesitanttotrustanotheronewouldbea

massiveunderstatement.Butsheseemedsincerely

interestedinhelpingandIwasinnopositionto

turnthatdown.SoIfinallysaid,"Yes,Ithinkso."

"Great,"shesaid,beaming."ThenI'dliketo

askyousomemorequestionsnow,ifthat'sokay."

"Ofcourse,"Ireplied.

"Haveyoubeentakingyourmedication

regularly?"sheasked.

"Ihave,andithelpsforabit;butitalso

makesmefeeltooheavilysedatedtofunction

much,"Iexplained.

"Okay.Well,wedefinitelyhaveoptionson

thatfront,"shesaid."I'mgoingtowriteyoua

prescriptionforsomethingnewthathopefully

won'tgiveyouthatdrowsyfeeling.We'lltrythat

foracoupleofweeksandseewherethatgetsus.

Inthemeantime,I'dliketotrytounpackwhat's

happeningtoyouandwhatmayhavetriggeredit

inthislaterstageofyourlifeasopposedtoearly

adulthood.Yousaidyou'veonlybeen

experiencingthesesymptomsforaboutayear.

Didanythingtraumatichappenaroundthetime

thatyoursymptomsstarted?Perhapsmarital

issues?"

Ithoughtbackandtriedtodiscernwhenthe

symptomsactuallystarted."Isupposeitstarted

shortlyaftermydaddied,"Isaid."Wewerealso

tryingtoadoptatthetimeanditfellthrough.My

symptomsstartedoutinnocentlyenough.I

suddenlybecameveryparticularaboutwhere

thingswent,butplentyofpeopleareparticular.So

Ididn'tthinkanythingofit."

Itookashallowbreathandcontinued,

"Thentheaversiontogermskickedin.Aclient

sneezedonmydesk–somethingthatI'msurehad

happenedatleastoncebefore.ButIcouldn'tstop

obsessingoverit.Ifeltlikemyskinwasonfire.I

triedtowipedowntheareainfrontofwhereshe'd

beensitting,andthathelpedforafewminutes,but

thenIjustkeptthinkingthatitwasstilldirty.As

thedaywentonIbecameconvincedthatthere

wassometypeofairbornediseaseinmyoffice

andthatitwouldkillme.Bythetimethedaywas

overIhadscrubbedeverythingonthedeskand

ultimatelyorderedanewoneandtoldmyassistant

Iwouldbeworkingfromhomeuntilitarrived.

Everythingwentdownhillfromthere."

Hersmilehadfadedslightly,andshelooked

concernedassheasked,"Yousayyourfather

passedrecently?Werethetwoofyouclose?"

Iwantedtogiveanhonestanswer,soItried

toseriouslyconsiderwhatourrelationshiphad

beenlike.

Theansweris"no",moron,thevoiceinmy

headinterrupted.You'renotclosewithanyone

becausenoonewouldeverwanttobecloseto

you.

Thenmymindfixatedonanimageofmy

father,lyinglifelessinhisbed.Idesperatelybegan

countingmyfingers.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...

"Mr.Diaz?Mr.Diaz,"IheardDr.

Rodriguezcalling."Ilostyouforaminutethere.

Areyouokay?"sheaskedasIfinallycamebackto

reality.

"I'msorry,"Iquicklyanswered."Ijust-"

"Youwerehavingacompulsion,"shesaid.I

noddedweaklyandshecontinued,"MayIaskifit

wastriggeredbysomething?Wastherean

obsessivethought?It'sokayifyouaren'treadyto

talkaboutit."

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

IcontinuedcountingwhileIexplained.

"Whenmydaddied,"Ibeganweakly,"Iwasthe

onewhofoundhisbody.Sometimestheimageof

himlyingthere,notmoving,notbreathing-"I

pausedtocomposemyself."Ithauntsme.It's

unshakable.Withtheotherobsessions,there's

somethingIcandotomanagethem.Butthisone

–thisoneeatsatmelikealivingnightmareuntil

mybraindecidesit'sdonetorturingme."

"I'msosorry.Icanonlyimaginehow

traumaticthatmustbe.Iaskedbeforeifyouhada

goodrelationshipwithyourfatherandthat

seemedtotriggerthementalimage.Isthat

becausetherelationshipwasstrained?"sheasked.

"Notatall,"Ianswered."Hewassortofmy

hero.Mymomwasneverreallyaroundsoitwas

justus.HealwaysmadesureIhadeverythingI

needed,evenifitmeanthehadtodowithout

something.Hesupportedmeunconditionally."

"Sonowthathe'sgone,doyouperhapsfeel

anabsenceofsorts?"sheasked.

"IguessIdo,"Isaid,theweightofthe

answersuddenlyhittingmelikeafreighttrain."I

guesswithouthimIfeellikethere'sthis

fundamentalpieceofmemissing–likeIhaveno

ideawhoIamorwhereIbelonganymore.Itfeels

like...likeIlostaleg,andnowIhavetolearnhow

towalkagain,onlythere'snoprosthetictocatch

me.SonomatterhowhardItry,Ijustkeep

falling."

That'snotbecauseyoulostyourdad,it's

becauseyou'reaworthlessnobody,thevoicein

myheadchimedin.Igrittedmyteeth,grippedthe

armsofmychairtightly,andignoredit.

"Iimaginethedissolutionofyourmarriage

hasonlycompoundedthatfeeling,"Dr.Rodriguez

said.

"Ofcourse,"Isaid."NowI'mcompletely

aloneandI...havenoideawheretoevenstart

pickingupthepiecesofmylife."

"Well,you'vealreadystarted,"shesaid,

smiling."You'veacknowledgedthatyouneedhelp

andyou'vereachedout.Thosearenotthingsto

takelightly.Treatingmentalillnessisallabout

babysteps,andyou'vestarteddowntheroadto

healing.Youshouldbeveryproudofthat."

Inoddedweakly,unsureIagreedwithher,

butwillingtobuyintoitforthetimebeing.

"Doyouhaveasupportsystemoutsideof

yourhusband?Arethereanyfriendsorother

familymembersyoucanturntowhenyoucan't

handlethingsalone?"sheasked.

"Notreally,"Iadmitted."Isupposethat'spart

oftheproblem.Mostofmysocialcirclewas

composedofworkcolleagues.Therestarefriends

IsharedwithAdamandI'mnotsurehowtotalk

tothemaboutourseparation."

"That'sunderstandable,"shesaid."Inthat

case,whatIwouldlikeforyoutodobeforeour

nextsession,assumingyoudecidetocontinue

workingwithme–andIhopeyoudo–isreach

outtosomeone.Itcanbeanyonewhoyoutrust.

Trytoopenuptothem.Evenifyoucan'ttalkto

themabouttheseissuesrightoffthebat,atleast

trytoopenthedoor.Ibelievetherapywillhelp,

butIalsobelievethatastrongsupportsystemin

yourdailylifeisvital.Canyoudothatforme?"

"Icantry,"Isaid.

Goodluck,dumbass.Noonewantstohear

fromyou,remember?Thevoiceinmyhead

continuedtomockme.

"Good,"Dr.Rodriguezsaid."WellIthink

that'saboutallwehavetimefortoday,butI'dlike

toscheduleanappointmentwithyouforthistime

nextweekifthat'sokay."Inoddedinagreement

andshecontinued,"Great.Inthemeantime,I'll

sendthisnewprescriptionovertoyourlocal

pharmacyforyou.I'dlikeforyoutotrykeepinga

logofanyparticularlystrongobsessionsor

compulsions,whatyouweredoingwhenthey

started,andhowyoumanagedthem.Emailthatto

methenightbeforeyournextappointmentsothat

Icangetabetterpictureofexactlywhatyou're

dealingwith."

"Iwill,"Isaid."Thankyou."

"Thankyouforreachingout,Mark.Itruly

believeyouaregoingtobeokay.Haveanice

week,"shesaid,warmly.

Islouchedbackintomychairand

wonderedwhattodowithmyselfforthenext

week.Istartedbrowsingnewsonlinetokeepmy

mindoccupied,butthetemptationtocheckinon

Adam'ssocialmediaprofileswastoostrong.SoI

movedawayfromthecomputerandwasjust

abouttostartcleaningthealreadycleanliving

roomwhenmyphonewentoff.

NewMessagefromKateSanchez,itread.

MaybeI'mnotsoaloneafterall,Ithought.