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Better Conversations JIM KNIGHT, INSTRUCTIONALCOACHING.COM
WEBinstructionalcoaching.com
radicallearners.com
@jimknight99
#instructionalcoaching
@instructionalcoachinggroupjim@instructionalcoaching.com
PARTNERS
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6 Beliefs & 10 Habits
Why?
We are living through…
We are living through…
A Communication Crisis
TRUST, FACTS, AND DEMOCRACY
1.
Communication is central
to school improvement.
We have found that the single factor common to every
successful change initiative is that relationships improve. If
relationships improve, things get better. If they remain the
same or get worse, ground is lost. Thus leaders must be
consummate relationship builders with diverse people and
groups—especially with people different than themselves.
Michael Fullan
”
“
2.
Effective communication
is an essential skill for a
fulfilled life.
“LONELINESS AMONG OLDER ADULTS,” AARP, SEPTEMBER 2010
1 IN 3“LONELINESS AMONG OLDER ADULTS,” AARP, SEPTEMBER 2010
We are experiencing a radical brokenness in all of existence.
Times are out of joint. Alienation and disharmony, conflict
and turmoil, enmity and hatred characterize so much of life.
Desmond Tutu, No Future Without Forgiveness (1999)
”
“
There is reason for hope.
Complex, fulfilling relationships don’t suddenly appear in
our lives fully formed. Rather, they develop one encounter
at a time.
Gottman (2001) The Relationship Cure
”
“
3.
Better conversations is a
movement toward a more
authentic version of yourself.
Authentic adjective
Real, actual, genuine; original, first-hand; really
proceeding from its stated source, author,
painter, etc.
image: Wikipedia
image: Wikipedia
Your Tasks
1. List 10 people with whom you have many important conversations.
2. List two important conversations you’ll be having soon.
IMPACT RESEARCH LAB
5 |
INTR
ODUCTION
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
I listen effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
I build emotional connections. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
I ask questions effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
People trust me. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
I praise others effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI control my emotions
effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE
I treat others as equals. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEMy conversations are usually good for me and my partner. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI frequently find common ground with other people. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI am fully present in all
conversations. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI successfully redirect
destructive conversations. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI collaborate effectively
with others. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW WHERE I WANT TO BE
PERSONAL REFLECTION
Communication Profile
To be authentic, you need to
know what you believe.
6 Beliefs
I see others as equal partners in
conversations.
Belief 1
Questions To Consider
Identify someone who truly sees others as equals.
What do they do that shows that they see others as equals?
?
Questions To Consider
Identify someone who truly sees others as equals.
What do they do that shows that they see others as equals?
?
The world’s problems begin with the belief that some human
lives are more valuable than others.
Nelson Mandela
”
“
I want to hear what others have to say.
Belief 2
What people need is a good listening to.
Marylou Casey
”
“
FIRST, BREAK ALL THE RULES
Don Clifton
TEACHER ENGAGEMENT
Despite having higher engagement than the national
average teachers are the least likely of all occupations to say
“at work my opinions seem to count.”
news.gallup.com https://news.gallup.com/poll/163745/newer-teachers-likely-engaged-work.aspx
”
“
STUDENT VOICE
The Instrument of Change
“TEACHERS CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS.”
51%“TEACHERS CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS.”
“TEACHERS CARE IF I’M ABSENT FROM SCHOOL.”
51%“TEACHERS CARE IF I’M ABSENT FROM SCHOOL.”
“I AM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY SCHOOL COMMUNITY.”
45%“I AM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY SCHOOL COMMUNITY.”
I’m 18 years old. I can vote. I can serve on a
jury. I can open my own checking account. I
could get married without my parents’
permission. I can buy a house if I had the
money. And I am allowed to join the army
and go to other countries and kill people.
But between 8:00 AM and 3:00 PM, I still have
to ask a teacher’s permission to take a pee.
I want to hear what others have to say.
Belief 2
I believe others should have a lot of
autonomy.
Belief 3
EL MAGAZINE
http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/nov19/vol77/num03/Why-Teacher-Autonomy-Is-Central-to-Coaching-Success.aspx
Autonomy
» Control doesn’t work
DRIVE
The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO
Understanding Self-Motivation
…control is an easy answer. It…sounds tough, so it feels
reassuring to people who believe things have gone awry…
however, it has become increasingly clear that the approach
simply does not work…Indeed, mounting evidence suggests
that these so-called solutions, based on the principle of rigid
authority, are exacerbating rather than ameliorating the
problems.
Edward Deci, Why We Do What We Do
”
“
Autonomy
» Control doesn’t work
» Control diminishes people
Saying no is the fundamental way we have of differentiating
ourselves. To take away my right to say no is to claim
sovereignty over me … if we cannot say no, then saying yes has
no meaning.
Peter Block
”
“
The opposite of love is control.
Donald Miller
”
“
Autonomy
» Control doesn’t work
» Control diminishes people
» Autonomy doesn’t mean people can choose
to be unprofessional
Autonomy
» Control doesn’t work
» Control diminishes people
» Autonomy doesn’t mean people can choose
to be unprofessional
» Autonomy involves responsible
accountability
There’s no word for accountability in Finnish… Accountability
is something that is left when responsibility has been
subtracted.
Pasi Sahlberg, quoted by Andy Hargreaves
”
“
I believe others should have a lot of
autonomy.
Belief 3
I don’t judge my conversation partners.
Belief 4
It’s not our differences that divide us. It’s our judgments
about each other.
Margaret Wheatley, Turning to One Another
”
“
There are many ways we can roll our eyes that don’t
involve our eyes.
Michael Fullan
”
“
https://www.instructionalcoaching.com/great-questions-for-instructional-coaches/
THE SIX SECRETS OF CHANGE
What the Best Leaders Do to Help Their Organizations
Survive and Thrive
I don’t judge my conversation partners.
Belief 4
https://www.instructionalcoaching.com/great-questions-for-instructional-coaches/
Our conversation should be
back and forth.
Belief 5
ON DIALOGUE
Bohm
Conditions for Dialogue*
1. Humility
2. Hope
3. Faith
4. Critical Thinking
5. Love
*Paulo Freire
LOVE
ENGAGING THE WILL FOR THE GOOD OF ANOTHERDallas Willard
ULTIMATELY, OUR GREATEST JOY IS WHEN WE SEEK TO DO GOOD FOR OTHERS.Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy
I HAVE DECIDED TO STICK WITH LOVE. HATE IS TOO GREAT A BURDEN TO BEAR. Dr. Martin Luther King
Our conversation should be
back and forth.
Belief 5
Questions To Consider
How easy is it for you to choose love over hate?
How easy is it for you to “engage your will for the good of others?”
?
Conversation should be life-giving.
Belief 6
1. I see others as equal partners in conversations.
2. I want to hear what others have to say.
3. I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.
4. I don’t judge my conversation partners.
5. Conversation should be back and forth.
6. Conversation should be life-giving.
6 Beliefs
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
A Language of Life
Life-Alienating
» moralistic judgments
» making comparisons
» making demands
» denial
» labeling others
How would your life be different if … you walked away
from gossip and verbal defamation? Let today be the
day … speak only the good you know of other people and
encourage others to do the same.
Steve Maraboli
”
“
Conversation should be life-giving.
Belief 6
1. I see others as equal partners in conversations.
2. I want to hear what others have to say.
3. I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.
4. I don’t judge my conversation partners.
5. Conversation should be back and forth.
6. Conversation should be life-giving.
6 Beliefs
10 Habits
To be authentic, you need to
act in a way that is consistent
with what you believe.
Demonstrate Empathy
EMPATHY: WHY IT MATTERS, AND HOW TO GET IT
Roman Krznaric
Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of
another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives,
and using that understanding to guide your actions.
Roman Krznaric, Empathy: Why it Matters and How to Get it
”
“
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should
find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm
all hostility.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
”
“
Copyright ¤ 2016 by Corwin. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin, www.corwin.com.
Use this form to prepare yourself for a conversation you are soon
going to have where you intend to demonstrate empathy. Do your
best to consider fully how you are thinking and feeling about the
conversation, and how your conversation partner is thinking and
feeling.
What assumptions or preconceptions are you bringing to theconversation that might make it difficult to listen with empathy?
What emotions do you anticipate your conversation partner might
be feeling?
What needs do you think your conversation partner currently has
regarding your future topic of conversation?
What other thoughts do you have about understanding yourconversation partner’s perspective and emotions?
Demonstrating Empathy
Your Tasks
1. Identify an important upcoming conversation.
2. Complete the empathy looking ahead form.
3. Share with your partner what you learned, discovered or confirmed when you completed the form.
A Final Question
How do we manage empathy in a healthy way??
Demonstrate Empathy
Listen
THE COACHING HABIT
Michael Bungay Stanier
Your Questions
On a scale of 1-5, how seriously are you going to take this activity?
On a scale of 1-5, how vulnerable are you going to be during today’s activities?
?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What’s on your mind? ?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What’s on your mind? ?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What’s the real challenge …?
And what else?
?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What’s the real challenge …?
And what else?
?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What do you want??
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What do you want??
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What was most useful??
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What was most useful??
Your Questions
What did this activity prompt you to think about the way you listen and ask questions?
Will you try to do anything differently in the future?
?
Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions
What’s on your mind?
What’s the real challenge …?
And what else?
What do you want?
What was most useful?
?
Connect
Connect
Failure to connect can hinder your career. It can interfere with
friendships. It can weaken your relationships with relatives,
including your kids. It can even ruin your marriage.
Gottman, p.25
”
“
Bid
“A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch--any single
expression that says ‘I want to feel connected to you.’ A
response to a bid is just that--a positive or negative answer to
somebody’s request for emotional connection”
Gottman
”
“
Turning Toward
Turning Away
When someone turns away from a bid, the bidder loses
confidence and self-esteem. In our observation studies, we see
how people almost seem to “crumple” when their partners turn
away. The bidders don’t get puffed up with anger; they don’t
get indignant; they just seem to fold in on themselves.
John Gottman (2001) The Relationship Cure
”
“
Turning Against
Your Questions
Do your own experiences suggest that Gottman’s research is right or wrong?
?
Connect
Trust
What is Trust?
1. Character
2. Reliability
3. Competence
4. Warmth
5. Stewardship
Copyright ¤ 2016 by Corwin. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin, www.corwin.com.
Use this form to consider the factors that influence trust—
character, competence, reliability, warmth, and stewardship.
Identify any changes you can make to become more trustworthy.
CHARACTER
Are you honest, transparent, and nonjudgmental? Do you need to
change so that you can be more trustworthy?
COMPETENCE
How can you increase the usefulness of what you share? Do you need
to be more focused or precise? Do you need to increase your depth of
knowledge?
RELIABILITY
What organizational rituals and boundaries can you add, or what
activities can you quit so you can be more reliable?
WARMTH
Do you need to get better at demonstrating empathy, listening,
being a witness to the good, or being vulnerable to encourage trust?
STEWARDSHIP
Do you need to change your outlook on life in any way so that you
are less concerned with yourself and more concerned with others?
LOOKING AHEAD:
Building Trust
Find Common Ground
I note the obvious differences between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.
Maya Angelou
”
“
Copyright ¤ 2016 by Corwin. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin, www.corwin.com.
WITH A PARTNER
Use this form to explore Finding Common Ground and to try out the
I-CARE model. Simply use the questions to identify what common
ground you hold with your conversation partner.
Interests: What are your interests or passions (books, food,
restaurants, music, sports teams, travel, and so on)?
Convictions: What are your important intellectual, political, artistic,
social action, or religious beliefs?
Activities: What do you enjoy doing (cooking, running, singing,
writing, volunteering, working, mentoring, and so on)?
Roles: What roles do you have or have you held (teacher, administra-
tor, parent, committee member, scout leader, coach, choir director)?
Experiences: What are some important experiences you have had
(schools or universities; people known; locations visited, lived in, or
hope to be visited)?
Finding Common Ground (2 of 2 )
I C.A.R.E.
I C.A.R.E.Interests
Convictions
Activities
Roles and Responsibilities
Experiences
6 BeliefsEquality
Voice
Autonomy
Non-judgmentalism
Dialogue
Life-giving
10 Habits1. Demonstrating Empathy
2. Listening
3. Fostering Dialogue
4. Asking Better Questions
5. Making Emotional Connections
10 Habits6. Being a Witness the to Good
7. Finding Common Ground
8. Redirecting Toxic Conversations
9. Controlling Toxic Emotions
10. Building Trust
continued
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