Better Conversations - Instructional Coaching GroupBetter Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected. by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks,

Better Conversations JIM KNIGHT, INSTRUCTIONALCOACHING.COM

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6 Beliefs & 10 Habits

Why?

We are living through…

We are living through…

A Communication Crisis

TRUST, FACTS, AND DEMOCRACY

1.

Communication is central

to school improvement.

We have found that the single factor common to every

successful change initiative is that relationships improve. If

relationships improve, things get better. If they remain the

same or get worse, ground is lost. Thus leaders must be

consummate relationship builders with diverse people and

groups—especially with people different than themselves.

Michael Fullan

”

“

2.

Effective communication

is an essential skill for a

fulfilled life.

“LONELINESS AMONG OLDER ADULTS,” AARP, SEPTEMBER 2010

1 IN 3“LONELINESS AMONG OLDER ADULTS,” AARP, SEPTEMBER 2010

We are experiencing a radical brokenness in all of existence.

Times are out of joint. Alienation and disharmony, conflict

and turmoil, enmity and hatred characterize so much of life.

Desmond Tutu, No Future Without Forgiveness (1999)

”

“

There is reason for hope.

Complex, fulfilling relationships don’t suddenly appear in

our lives fully formed. Rather, they develop one encounter

at a time.

Gottman (2001) The Relationship Cure

”

“

3.

Better conversations is a

movement toward a more

authentic version of yourself.

Authentic adjective

Real, actual, genuine; original, first-hand; really

proceeding from its stated source, author,

painter, etc.

image: Wikipedia

image: Wikipedia

Your Tasks

1. List 10 people with whom you have many important conversations.

2. List two important conversations you’ll be having soon.

IMPACT RESEARCH LAB

5 |

INTR

ODUCTION

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUE

I listen effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


I build emotional connections. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


I ask questions effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


People trust me. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


I praise others effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI control my emotions

effectively. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


I treat others as equals. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEMy conversations are usually good for me and my partner. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI frequently find common ground with other people. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI am fully present in all

conversations. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI successfully redirect

destructive conversations. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

UNTRUE UNTRUEVERY TRUE VERY TRUEI collaborate effectively

with others. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW WHERE I WANT TO BE

PERSONAL REFLECTION

Communication Profile

To be authentic, you need to

know what you believe.

6 Beliefs

I see others as equal partners in

conversations.

Belief 1

Questions To Consider

Identify someone who truly sees others as equals.

What do they do that shows that they see others as equals?

?


Identify someone who truly sees others as equals.

What do they do that shows that they see others as equals?

?

The world’s problems begin with the belief that some human

lives are more valuable than others.

Nelson Mandela

”

“

I want to hear what others have to say.

Belief 2

What people need is a good listening to.

Marylou Casey

”

“

FIRST, BREAK ALL THE RULES

Don Clifton

TEACHER ENGAGEMENT

Despite having higher engagement than the national

average teachers are the least likely of all occupations to say

“at work my opinions seem to count.”

news.gallup.com https://news.gallup.com/poll/163745/newer-teachers-likely-engaged-work.aspx

”

“

STUDENT VOICE

The Instrument of Change

“TEACHERS CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS.”

51%“TEACHERS CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS.”

“TEACHERS CARE IF I’M ABSENT FROM SCHOOL.”

51%“TEACHERS CARE IF I’M ABSENT FROM SCHOOL.”

“I AM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY SCHOOL COMMUNITY.”

45%“I AM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY SCHOOL COMMUNITY.”

I’m 18 years old. I can vote. I can serve on a

jury. I can open my own checking account. I

could get married without my parents’

permission. I can buy a house if I had the

money. And I am allowed to join the army

and go to other countries and kill people.

But between 8:00 AM and 3:00 PM, I still have

to ask a teacher’s permission to take a pee.

I want to hear what others have to say.

Belief 2

I believe others should have a lot of

autonomy.

Belief 3

EL MAGAZINE

http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/nov19/vol77/num03/Why-Teacher-Autonomy-Is-Central-to-Coaching-Success.aspx

Autonomy

» Control doesn’t work

DRIVE

The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO

Understanding Self-Motivation

…control is an easy answer. It…sounds tough, so it feels

reassuring to people who believe things have gone awry…

however, it has become increasingly clear that the approach

simply does not work…Indeed, mounting evidence suggests

that these so-called solutions, based on the principle of rigid

authority, are exacerbating rather than ameliorating the

problems.

Edward Deci, Why We Do What We Do

”

“

Autonomy


» Control diminishes people

Saying no is the fundamental way we have of differentiating

ourselves. To take away my right to say no is to claim

sovereignty over me … if we cannot say no, then saying yes has

no meaning.

Peter Block

”

“

The opposite of love is control.

Donald Miller

”

“

Autonomy



» Autonomy doesn’t mean people can choose

to be unprofessional

Autonomy



» Autonomy doesn’t mean people can choose

to be unprofessional

» Autonomy involves responsible

accountability

There’s no word for accountability in Finnish… Accountability

is something that is left when responsibility has been

subtracted.

Pasi Sahlberg, quoted by Andy Hargreaves

”

“

I believe others should have a lot of

autonomy.

Belief 3

I don’t judge my conversation partners.

Belief 4

It’s not our differences that divide us. It’s our judgments

about each other.

Margaret Wheatley, Turning to One Another

”

“

There are many ways we can roll our eyes that don’t

involve our eyes.

Michael Fullan

”

“

https://www.instructionalcoaching.com/great-questions-for-instructional-coaches/

THE SIX SECRETS OF CHANGE

What the Best Leaders Do to Help Their Organizations

Survive and Thrive

I don’t judge my conversation partners.

Belief 4

https://www.instructionalcoaching.com/great-questions-for-instructional-coaches/

Our conversation should be

back and forth.

Belief 5

ON DIALOGUE

Bohm

Conditions for Dialogue*

1. Humility

2. Hope

3. Faith

4. Critical Thinking

5. Love

*Paulo Freire

LOVE

ENGAGING THE WILL FOR THE GOOD OF ANOTHERDallas Willard

ULTIMATELY, OUR GREATEST JOY IS WHEN WE SEEK TO DO GOOD FOR OTHERS.Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy

I HAVE DECIDED TO STICK WITH LOVE. HATE IS TOO GREAT A BURDEN TO BEAR. Dr. Martin Luther King

Our conversation should be

back and forth.

Belief 5


How easy is it for you to choose love over hate?

How easy is it for you to “engage your will for the good of others?”

?

Conversation should be life-giving.

Belief 6

1. I see others as equal partners in conversations.

2. I want to hear what others have to say.

3. I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.

4. I don’t judge my conversation partners.

5. Conversation should be back and forth.

6. Conversation should be life-giving.

6 Beliefs

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION

A Language of Life

Life-Alienating

» moralistic judgments

» making comparisons

» making demands

» denial

» labeling others

How would your life be different if … you walked away

from gossip and verbal defamation? Let today be the

day … speak only the good you know of other people and

encourage others to do the same.

Steve Maraboli

”

“

Conversation should be life-giving.

Belief 6

1. I see others as equal partners in conversations.

2. I want to hear what others have to say.

3. I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.

4. I don’t judge my conversation partners.

5. Conversation should be back and forth.

6. Conversation should be life-giving.

6 Beliefs

10 Habits

To be authentic, you need to

act in a way that is consistent

with what you believe.

Demonstrate Empathy

EMPATHY: WHY IT MATTERS, AND HOW TO GET IT

Roman Krznaric

Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of

another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives,

and using that understanding to guide your actions.

Roman Krznaric, Empathy: Why it Matters and How to Get it

”

“

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should

find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm

all hostility.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

”

“

Copyright ¤ 2016 by Corwin. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin, www.corwin.com.

Use this form to prepare yourself for a conversation you are soon

going to have where you intend to demonstrate empathy. Do your

best to consider fully how you are thinking and feeling about the

conversation, and how your conversation partner is thinking and

feeling.

What assumptions or preconceptions are you bringing to theconversation that might make it difficult to listen with empathy?

What emotions do you anticipate your conversation partner might

be feeling?

What needs do you think your conversation partner currently has

regarding your future topic of conversation?

What other thoughts do you have about understanding yourconversation partner’s perspective and emotions?

Demonstrating Empathy

Your Tasks

1. Identify an important upcoming conversation.

2. Complete the empathy looking ahead form.

3. Share with your partner what you learned, discovered or confirmed when you completed the form.

A Final Question

How do we manage empathy in a healthy way??

Demonstrate Empathy

Listen

THE COACHING HABIT

Michael Bungay Stanier

Your Questions

On a scale of 1-5, how seriously are you going to take this activity?

On a scale of 1-5, how vulnerable are you going to be during today’s activities?

?

Michael Bungay Stanier’s Five Questions

What’s on your mind? ?


What’s on your mind? ?


What’s the real challenge …?

And what else?

?



And what else?

?


What do you want??


What do you want??


What was most useful??


What was most useful??

Your Questions

What did this activity prompt you to think about the way you listen and ask questions?

Will you try to do anything differently in the future?

?


What’s on your mind?


And what else?

What do you want?

What was most useful?

?

Connect

Connect

Failure to connect can hinder your career. It can interfere with

friendships. It can weaken your relationships with relatives,

including your kids. It can even ruin your marriage.

Gottman, p.25

”

“

Bid

“A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch--any single

expression that says ‘I want to feel connected to you.’ A

response to a bid is just that--a positive or negative answer to

somebody’s request for emotional connection”

Gottman

”

“

Turning Toward

Turning Away

When someone turns away from a bid, the bidder loses

confidence and self-esteem. In our observation studies, we see

how people almost seem to “crumple” when their partners turn

away. The bidders don’t get puffed up with anger; they don’t

get indignant; they just seem to fold in on themselves.

John Gottman (2001) The Relationship Cure

”

“

Turning Against

Your Questions

Do your own experiences suggest that Gottman’s research is right or wrong?

?

Connect

Trust

What is Trust?

1. Character

2. Reliability

3. Competence

4. Warmth

5. Stewardship


Use this form to consider the factors that influence trust—

character, competence, reliability, warmth, and stewardship.

Identify any changes you can make to become more trustworthy.

CHARACTER

Are you honest, transparent, and nonjudgmental? Do you need to

change so that you can be more trustworthy?

COMPETENCE

How can you increase the usefulness of what you share? Do you need

to be more focused or precise? Do you need to increase your depth of

knowledge?

RELIABILITY

What organizational rituals and boundaries can you add, or what

activities can you quit so you can be more reliable?

WARMTH

Do you need to get better at demonstrating empathy, listening,

being a witness to the good, or being vulnerable to encourage trust?

STEWARDSHIP

Do you need to change your outlook on life in any way so that you

are less concerned with yourself and more concerned with others?

LOOKING AHEAD:

Building Trust

Find Common Ground

I note the obvious differences between each sort and type,

but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.

Maya Angelou

”

“


WITH A PARTNER

Use this form to explore Finding Common Ground and to try out the

I-CARE model. Simply use the questions to identify what common

ground you hold with your conversation partner.

Interests: What are your interests or passions (books, food,

restaurants, music, sports teams, travel, and so on)?

Convictions: What are your important intellectual, political, artistic,

social action, or religious beliefs?

Activities: What do you enjoy doing (cooking, running, singing,

writing, volunteering, working, mentoring, and so on)?

Roles: What roles do you have or have you held (teacher, administra-

tor, parent, committee member, scout leader, coach, choir director)?

Experiences: What are some important experiences you have had

(schools or universities; people known; locations visited, lived in, or

hope to be visited)?

Finding Common Ground (2 of 2 )

I C.A.R.E.

I C.A.R.E.Interests

Convictions

Activities

Roles and Responsibilities

Experiences

6 BeliefsEquality

Voice

Autonomy

Non-judgmentalism

Dialogue

Life-giving

10 Habits1. Demonstrating Empathy

2. Listening

3. Fostering Dialogue

4. Asking Better Questions

5. Making Emotional Connections

10 Habits6. Being a Witness the to Good

7. Finding Common Ground

8. Redirecting Toxic Conversations

9. Controlling Toxic Emotions

10. Building Trust

continued

Documents

Better Conversations - Instructional Coaching GroupBetter Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected. by Jim Knight. Thousand Oaks,