同尋「性」象 Gender Identity Formation Copyright © 1997-2003 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights...

同尋「性」象 Gender Identity Formation

Copyright © 1997-2003 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.

黃偉康博士Licensed Clinical Psychologist, California, U.S.A.

ChristianMentalHealth.comInfo@ChristianMentalHealth.com

220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104Tel (510) 794-8898 Fax (510) 475-1473

同尋「性」象 ( 家長講座 )

主講 :  黃偉康博士美國臨床心理學家

回應 :  梁林天慧女士浸會愛群社會服務處總幹事

同尋「性」象 ( 家長講座 )

廿一世紀香港社會最大的挑戰之一是性開放思潮，

我們需要正視，透過關心、聆聽、重建、同行，

協助在性捆綁中掙扎的一群，為陷入性愛迷思的一代提供一條出路。

與家長一同探討，如何協助子女建立正確的性別角色？

同尋「性」象如何幫助子女在性觀念開放，好像婚前性行為普遍、性濫交﹝一夜情﹞、

傳媒將「性」大肆渲染等的環境中，

建立正確的性別角色？

明報 何美華 2003-02-05

辦同志嘉年華促進旅遊業 同志團體

教港府賺錢 同志團體指出，很多國家已虎視眈眈同志的「粉紅金錢」

(Pink Dollar)，但本港在這方面卻大大落後於人，政府應帶頭向消費力極強的同志發掘商機。

明報 何美華 2003-02-05

辦同志嘉年華何禮傑指出，

現時學者及科學數據亦普遍認同每 10個人便有 1 人是同戀，

他認為同志市場極龐大，但香港未有好好發掘。

同尋「性」象如何幫助子女在同儕壓力中男校及女校中很多女性化男孩子和男性化女孩子 “ Tom Boy” 的同學，

確立健康的性別角色？

同尋「性」象如何幫助在性別角色困擾中的

子女？

同尋「性」象家長在華人社會成長，承繼較為含蓄的中國文化，加上工作忙碌為口奔馳，如何克服本身的限制與子女開放地討論性別角色

的困擾？

同尋「性」象從香港處境出發，

向家長提出幫助子女建立正確性別角色時，需要注意的地方。

Gender Identity Formation Stages

• Stage 1 (Birth to Four years old)– Parental Same-Gender Attachment

• Stage 2 (Kindergarten to Stage 1 School)– Social Same-Gender Attachment

• Stage 3 (Elementary to Middle School)– Social Opposite-Gender Attachment

• Stage 4 (Middle to High School)• Stage 5 (High School to College)• Stage 6 (Beyond First Stage College & Marriage)

Stage 1 (Birth to Four years old)

Parental Same-Gender Attachment– Separation & Individuation– Same-Gender Attachment Failure– Opposite-Gender Attachment

Family Tree DiagramFamily Tree Diagram

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Healthy RelationshipHealthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son separates from mom Son separates from mom for psychological for psychological

individuation successfullyindividuation successfully

Healthy RelationshipHealthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son attaches with dad Son attaches with dad for Gender-Identity for Gender-Identity

formation sucessfullyformation sucessfully

Healthy Relationship Healthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son separates from mom Son separates from mom for psychological for psychological

individuation successfullyindividuation successfully

Healthy RelationshipHealthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son attempts to attach Son attempts to attach to father for Gender-to father for Gender-

Identity formationIdentity formation

Unhealthy Relationship BeginsUnhealthy Relationship Begins

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son’s attempts to attach Son’s attempts to attach to father was rebuffed to father was rebuffed

and he experiences and he experiences rejection and hurtrejection and hurt

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive DetachmentDefensive Detachment Begins Begins

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son’s attempts to defend Son’s attempts to defend against more pain from against more pain from rejection by defensively rejection by defensively detaching from father’s detaching from father’s relationship emotionallyrelationship emotionally

Father’s Affair Hurts Daughter

Men Cannot be Faithful

1. Men are Unfaithful, Don’t have anything to do with Men

2. I Don’t Want to be My Mother or like My Mother, because She Allow him to do it

3. Mother = Weakness

Gender-Identity Development Gender-Identity Development Separation-IndividuationSeparation-Individuation

• Successful Gender-Identity develops after Successful Gender-Identity develops after an early dynamic relationship an early dynamic relationship (Separation-(Separation-Individuation) Individuation) of child with Motherof child with Mother & & FatherFather

• Both Mother and Father are important for Both Mother and Father are important for healthy gender development of their kidshealthy gender development of their kids

• Dynamic psychological relationship begins when Dynamic psychological relationship begins when child walks & talks (Separation-Individuation)child walks & talks (Separation-Individuation)

– Where Where Gender-Identity Imprinting beginsGender-Identity Imprinting begins

Gender-Identity-Imprinting StageGender-Identity-Imprinting StageCopyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999

Object-Relations Object-Relations Separation-Individuation Separation-Individuation

theory suggests there is a critical phase theory suggests there is a critical phase when a child will have to when a child will have to separateseparate from from

mother to attain gender mother to attain gender individuationindividuationFor gender identity to be formed, child For gender identity to be formed, child must successfully must successfully attach attach to the same-sex to the same-sex

parent emotionallyparent emotionally

Healthy Relationship Healthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son separates from mom Son separates from mom for psychological for psychological

individuation successfullyindividuation successfully

Healthy RelationshipHealthy Relationship

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son attempts to attach Son attempts to attach to father for Gender-to father for Gender-

Identity formationIdentity formation

Unhealthy Relationship BeginsUnhealthy Relationship Begins

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son’s attempts to attach Son’s attempts to attach to father was rebuffed to father was rebuffed

and he experiences and he experiences rejection and hurtrejection and hurt

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Detachment BeginsDefensive Detachment Begins

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son’s attempts to Son’s attempts to defend against defend against more pain from more pain from

rejection by rejection by defensively defensively

detaching from detaching from father’s father’s

relationship relationship emotionallyemotionally

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Begins Begins

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Continues Continues

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security

Forming Defensive Attachment

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Intensifies Intensifies

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Son generalizes defensive detachment

to defensively attach to girls and women: Non-

aggressive & softer

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Intensifies Intensifies

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Generalization intensifies. Father Father becomes a stangerbecomes a stanger

Girl 1Girl 1

Girl 2Girl 2

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Intensifies Intensifies

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Generalization intensifies. Men are Men are

unfamiliarunfamiliar

Girl 1Girl 1

Girl 2Girl 2 GirlfriendGirlfriend

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Solidifies Solidifies

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Men are objectified-Men are objectified-curious-sexualizedcurious-sexualizedGirl 1Girl 1

Girl 2Girl 2 GirlfriendGirlfriend

Grandma

Unhealthy RelationshipUnhealthy RelationshipDefensive Defensive AttachmentAttachment Solidifies Solidifies

FatherFather

Son-1Son-1

MotherMother

DaughterDaughter Son-2Son-2

Men are objectified-Men are objectified-curious-sexualizedcurious-sexualizedGirl 1Girl 1

Girl 2Girl 2 GirlfriendGirlfriend

GrandmaAunt 1

“Detachment” “Orphaning”

• Cannot Identify With Mother

• Detach from Mother• The Self became

“Orphaned”• Detached Identity• Detached Self• Seeking Attachment• Same-Gender Attachment

Gender-Identity-Imprinting StageGender-Identity-Imprinting StageCopyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999

• Mother-Daughter Separation: IndividuationMother-Daughter Separation: Individuation• Father-Daughter Attachment: Gender-Identity Father-Daughter Attachment: Gender-Identity

“Confirmation” process “Confirmation” process – ““I am not mother, but I am myself as a wanted girl”I am not mother, but I am myself as a wanted girl”

• Father-Daughter Detachment: ConfusionFather-Daughter Detachment: Confusion• Mother-Daughter Attachment-EnmeshmentMother-Daughter Attachment-Enmeshment

– Defensive Attachment: “I am wanted as a girl” Defensive Attachment: “I am wanted as a girl” – ““I am not mother, so I must not be like her”I am not mother, so I must not be like her”

• Rejects Gender-Identity with mom for Individuation

Gender-Identity-Imprinting StageGender-Identity-Imprinting StageCopyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.1999

• Imprinting: An Opportune-Window of time Imprinting: An Opportune-Window of time for Gender Identity to take placefor Gender Identity to take place– Successful attainment: Secure Gender IdentitySuccessful attainment: Secure Gender Identity– Attainment failure: Incomplete Gender IdentityAttainment failure: Incomplete Gender Identity

• When Imprinting period is passed, child When Imprinting period is passed, child becomes more vulnerable in Gender Identitybecomes more vulnerable in Gender Identity

• Non-Gender-Imprinted child: Seeks attainment Non-Gender-Imprinted child: Seeks attainment indiscriminately due to desperation: Motherindiscriminately due to desperation: Mother

Fathers’ CharacteristicsFathers’ Characteristics

• Inexperience-Distracted: “Teenage Dads”Inexperience-Distracted: “Teenage Dads”– Dads’ orphaned, fostered, disconnectedDads’ orphaned, fostered, disconnected– Dad’s role was insignificant: “ego-centric”Dad’s role was insignificant: “ego-centric”

• Having children “Out-of Wedlock”Having children “Out-of Wedlock”• Physically abusivePhysically abusive

– Fear-Shame-Blame based “Parenting”Fear-Shame-Blame based “Parenting”– Sexual-Genital based teasing: “Put-Downs”Sexual-Genital based teasing: “Put-Downs”

• Survival: Dads’ Identity at expense of sonSurvival: Dads’ Identity at expense of son

Mother’s CharacteristicsMother’s Characteristics

• Inexperience: “Teenage Moms” ImmatureInexperience: “Teenage Moms” Immature– Husband unable to meet her Emotional NeedsHusband unable to meet her Emotional Needs– Her role is not involved enough: “Grandma”Her role is not involved enough: “Grandma”

• Having children “Out-of Wedlock”Having children “Out-of Wedlock”• Emotional Enmeshment: “Favorite Child”Emotional Enmeshment: “Favorite Child”

– Unable to help sons-daughters detach from herUnable to help sons-daughters detach from her– Sexual-Boundary Exposure: Intended or notSexual-Boundary Exposure: Intended or not

• Survival: Mom’s identity at expense of kidsSurvival: Mom’s identity at expense of kids

Stage 2 (Kindergarten to Elementaty)Social Same-Gender Attachment

• Polarization-Strengthening Process– Gender Identity

• Opposite Gender seen as a threat– Clear Limits Boundaries across gender lines

• Gender Stereotyping: Hair-cut, clothes, toys,

• Same-Gender familiarity preferred

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Stage 2 (Kindergarten to Primary School)

Parents and teacher need to be in cooperationPrevent GID child from ridicule & bullying

No cross-dressing for to please Mother’s desires

Same-Gender Parent influence: AcceptanceDad: Spend more time with son: Gender specificMom: Spend more time with daughter: Gender specific

Picture Credit: Picture Credit: Janelle ChingJanelle Ching, used by permission , used by permission (Dr. & Mrs. Stephen & Lisa Ching, 2002)(Dr. & Mrs. Stephen & Lisa Ching, 2002)

Stage 3 (Elementary to Middle School)Social Same-Gender Attachment

• Physical Gender Identity Differentiation– Pre-Puberty Gender Ambiguity– Masculine Features: Security vs. Insecurity– Feminine Features: Security vs. Insecurity

• Acceptance vs. Rejection of Body– Body Discomfort of troubled children

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Stage 3 (Elementary to Middle School)

Boys: Dads aligns with son to protects them

Girls: Dads able to relate to daughters, Mom is considered strong person, avoid being victims of sexual abuse by close family members

“I was raped when I was 14”!

• Being Woman is Weakness

• Rejecting Female Gender in order to Feel Safe

• Lesbianism: A Way to be Strong - In Control

• An Unhealthy Way to Cope With Abuse

Stage 4 (Middle to High School)

Social Same-Gender Attachment• Self-affirmation & acceptance:

– Girls: Make-up & clothes– Boys: Power & strength: Sports & work-out

• Interest & Curiosity over opposite gender– “Puppy Love”: Dating begins

• Affirmation through opposite sex peers– Comfort with opposite sex peers

“Not One of the Girls”

Not Identify With Girls

1. Feel Different

2. Detached from Peers Members (same age)

• Unable to Gender Identify with Female

3. To Seek Clear Identity

• Be Opposite of Peers

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Stage 4 (Middle to High School)

Focus is with the children, not only parents

Same-gender peer acceptance is important

Boys: Athletics potential, self-acceptance of body, reduce individual sports, team work

Girls: Make-ups practices, dresses, girl-play

Stage 5 (High school to College)

Social Opposite-Gender Attachment• Security in self-affirmation & acceptance:

– Girls: Less self-conscious & preoccupation– Boys: Power & strength: Sports & work-out

• More matured interest over opposite gender– Steady Dating begins

• Affirmation through opposite sex peers– Comfort with opposite sex peers

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Stage 5 (High school to College)

Boys: Reduce Same-sex sexual fantasies, increase same-sex non-sexual relationships

Girls: Reduce codependent same-sex emotional relationships, find a male mentor (teacher, coach), resolve conflicts with dad and mourn abuse issues with self or mom

Stage 6 (Beyond College & Marriage)

Navigate a mutually nurturing committed relationship through Marriage & Parenting

• Marital RelationshipCan merge without threat of over-crowdingCan be autonomous without fear of abandonment

• Parenting RelationshipCan affirm gender of same-sex childrenCan affirm gender of opposite-sex children

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Stage 6 (Beyond College & Marriage)

Refer to mental health professional

Specific personal addiction issues

Men: Sexual addiction (Internet, gay sex)

Women: Emotional-Relational addiction

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

• Gender Identity Disorder is an Identity problem and not a sexual disorder per se

• While sexual issues are symptoms, the key to treatment is not only sexual in focus

• The focus is in the area of Gender security development

• Boys: Masculine Identity Security

• Girls: Feminine Identity Security

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Intervention strategy is different for each age group

Younger the child

The easier & more effective is the treatment

It is most important to diagnose early

Average referral is three and a half year-old

Remember: Most are victims of sexual abuse

Therapeutic Approaches to Treatment of GID

Specific Hong Kong Issues • Absentee Fathers & Depressed Mothers

– Detachment-Rejection of Father & significant males– Detachment-Rejection of Mother & significant females– Increased of Gender Confused male & female children– Increased of GID boys and girls

• Filipina maids: At-risk-boys– Women’s emotional dominance: Detachment– Ambivalence toward male gender: Teasing & touching– Intentional or “casual” sexual exploitation & abuses

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