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What’s the purpose of the child’s challenging behaviour? This behaviour can be tantrums, attention seeking, aggression, uncooperative etc. Challenging behaviour always invites a deepening of relationship and provides an invitation for the parent to reflect on how they interact with the child.

see the behaviour as a cry out from the unconscious for the adult to see the child’s turmoil and respond correctly. The child is not trying to make life difficult for the parent, rather they are trying to show the parent how difficult life is for them. The child’s behaviour is 100% about him/her and not saying anything about the parent.

Ask yourself ‘What is it that the child is trying to draw my attention to?’ Therefore, rather than punish, when we look behind the behaviour we are more likely to get resolution rather than close off the only way the child has of communicating their difficulties to us.

What lies hidden is what needs to be revealed. Therefore, it is better to seek to understand the propose of the behaviour first, otherwise the parent meets the behaviour with their response and the situation can escalate negatively.

Responding to Challenging Behaviour

• separate the child from the behaviour: “I love you, but I will not accept this behaviour”.

• Use ‘I’ messages” I feel upset” not “You bold boy!” messages which accuse and put the child on the defence.

• Take action for self, not against the child (that may mean removing yourself from the

Have you ever being faced with difficult challenging behaviour and wondered ‘How do I deal with this?’ Sheila O’Malley has some ideas to help you cope.

situation if you are going to ‘lose it’)

• stay calm, stay separate from the behaviour by remembering not to personalise the behaviour and do not get into conflict.

• Act from a place of understanding by talking ‘with’ not ‘at’ the child

• Correct the behaviour, but not the child and do not over punish

• Do not break relationship with your child

Background

There are two main reasons for problem behaviour, a feeling of not being loved enough and low self esteem.

The cause is usually found in relationships, how the child perceives self.

Resolution: If all behaviour makes sense, what’s happening for the child?

Look at the child and ask the ‘W’ Questions

Why is Behaviour happening?

What’s going on for my child?

Who is it happening with?

When is it happening?

Where is it happening?

What is taking place?

Why the defensive response?

Look at yourself

Look at how you interact with the child on a daily basis

Do you regularly affirm this child?

Do you treat him/her with respect?

Do you unconditionally love their person, not for what they do, but who they are?

Helpful hints

• Remember that a behaviour that is noticed increases ‘Thank you for putting your cup in the dishwasher’ in other

words ‘Catch the child being good’

• Request respectfully, does not order/command “Bed, now!”

• Parent using love, not laws and be flexible.

• A problem behaviour that’s ignored decreases i.e. Ignore the bad behaviour

• settle for less than perfection.

• Give them choices, and say ‘You decide’, this shows you respect them and teaches responsibility.

• Five hugs a day minimum, ten even better!

Children with challenging behaviours

sheila O Malley is a qualified Parent Mentorer and graduate of the UCC Diploma course given by Dr Tony Humphreys. sheila is available to give talks/parenting classes to schools and is giving an 8 week Parenting Classes in Taney Parish Centre on Monday evenings and Tuesday mornings from late september 2008. Contact sheila on sheilaomalley@msn.com for further details.

If I had my Child to raise over againIf I had my child to raise all over again

I’d build self esteem first, and the house later

I’d f inger paint more, and point the f inger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and f ly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more f ields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging and less tugging

I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be f irm less often, and aff irm much more.

I’d model less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.