Why Nice Guys Finish Last and What to Do

About It!

DR. KATHRINE BEJANYAN

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer,

despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?”

Sigmund Freud

Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan Dating and Relationship

Consulting

Psychology PhDo Research Focus – Romantic

relationships cross-culturally

Counselling Psychology MAo Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

(California,USA)

o Accredited member of the British

Association for Counselling and

Psychotherapykathrinebejanyan.com

Who is the nice guy?

Portrays himself to be kind, compassionate, gentle and sensitive

Open with his feelings

Concerned about his partner’s wants and needs

Generous and giving

Despite these positive characteristics, the term may still have a negative connotation to it

What are some negative traits associated with nice guys?

Nice Guy Stereotype

Contradictory attitudes and behaviors towards dating partner preferences

Women express a desire to date kind, sensitive, thoughtful and emotionally expressive men

In reality, they still choose to date macho, domineering, distant, or insensitive men (i.e. jerks)

The nice guys feel they’re either outright rejected or relegated to the category of “just friends.”

“A nice guy waltzes into a woman's life and she immediately leads him into the friend zone, no questions asked. However, when she stumbles upon the opposite of that, she relentlessly finds herself at his feet, becoming what our dating society refers to as a “stage-five clinger,” or simply, “crazy.”*

*Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”

Women’s supposed lack of genuine interest in sensitivity and kindness breeds considerable resentment among self-described nice guys.

What to do about it?

The idea is often expressed that men must curtail their own niceness in order to “get the girl” lest they be perceived as “too nice”

“Figuratively speaking, in order for a man to enjoy the company of women and be able to seduce them, his inner nice guy must first die through heartache. It is at this point that his inner bad boy surfaces and goes on the prowl” (Smith, “Nice guys finish last”, 2002)

What Women Say

When women are asked about the subject, they almost always claim to desire a nice guy . . . so long as he is not too nice (Gray, 1997)*

What differentiates a guy that is nice from too nice?

*Gray, J. (1997). Mars and Venus on a date: A guide for navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship. New York: HarperPaperbacks.

What Women Say

In a study of the traits most desirable in a casual sex partner and a romantic partner (i.e., boyfriend), female respondents listed these qualities as most important:

honest and trustworthy

healthy

warm and kind

attractive

agreeable

sociable

emotionally stable

Regan, P. C. (1998). Minimum mate selection standards as a function of perceived mate value, relationship context, and gen- der. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 10, 53–73.

What Women Say

Stewart, Stinnett, and Rosenfeld (2000) found that women rated the following qualities as most desirable in a dating partner:

trustworthy/honest

sense of humor

kindness/understanding

exciting personality

Stewart, S., Stinnett, H., & Rosenfeld, L. B. (2000). Sex differences in desired characteristics of short-term and long-term relationship partners. Journal

of Social and Personal Relation- ships, 17, 843–853.

What Women Say

In another study by Herold and Milhausen’s (1999) study over half of the female participants reported that, if they were given a choice, they would rather date the nice guy who was described as sexually inexperienced, nice, and somewhat shy rather than the not-so-nice guy who was described as physically attractive, fun, and sexually active.

Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating prefer- ences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.

What accounts for these contradictions?

Can women be both attracted to and repelled by nice guys?

“Women are full of paradoxes. They are drowning in their own ambiguities; it's in their nature. Women may say one thing, yet mean another. They have been living in a dimension where “I'm fine,” means “nothing is fine,” and the obvious answer is “do whatever you want to do.” They religiously use this shield of passive aggressiveness as a defense mechanism.”*

*Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”

“Often times we don't know what's good for us until we've been exposed to what's bad for us. Women need to get their hearts broken and self-esteem perished once, twice or maybe three times to recognize what they deserve…….. Thanks, jerks. Your emotionless charm and excessive lying serves to help women grow from being the naive girls they once were.”*

*Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”

Evolution Psychology

Evolutionary psychology attempts to

reconstruct the environment our ancestors lived in

understand how human behaviour evolved over time

what their relevance is to our survival

EX Love:

physiological and emotional response that facilitates pair-bonding in order to ensure the survival of offspring and the human specie

Reproductive Differences

Sexual Strategies Theory (Smiler, 2011).

Men and women’s mate selection and reproductive strategies

Mating/reproductive strategies (Gangestad & Simpson, 2000):

type of mate one chooses

the tactics they use to select a mate

how much they invest in the offspring and relationship

Smiler, A. P. (2011). Sexual strategies theory, built for the short term or the long term? Sex Roles, 64, 603-612.

Gangestad, S. W., & Simpson, J. A. (2000). The evolution of human mating: Trade-offs and strategic pluralism. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 23, 675–687.

Women

make much larger contributions to the survival of their offspring than do males

need to be more selective about their mates

mating mistakes are more costly

Female reproductive strategy – to maximise reproductive success, limit sexual contact to males who would be most likely to give an advantage to any offspring (Small, 1992).

Small. M. F. (1992). Female choice in mating: The evolutionary significance of female choice depends on why the female chooses her reproductive partner. American Scientist. 80. 142-151.

What types of qualities in men give her a reproductive advantage?

Strength and dominance

Cooperation and altruism

Dominance

Dominant behavior helps enhance reproductive success because

Protection

Higher Statues

Increased resources

Male dominance can also be seen as an expression of agentic behavior –

i.e a man who is capable of actively making choices and dealing effectively with others

It’s not just about dominance itself:

Dominant behavior in men increased women's sexual attraction to them; dominant behavior in women was not linked to sexual attraction in men.

What types of guys are more likely to have qualities

associated with dominance?

When asked to describe the stereotypic not-so-nice/jerk guy, female respondents noted (Herold & Milhausen, 1999)

a) the rebel - mysterious, daring, arrogant, and dangerous

b) the macho guy - strong and confident

c) the fun guy - adventurous, spontaneous, and outgoing

d) the sexy guy - charming, good looking, and sexually experienced

Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating preferences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.

Male dominance enhanced sexual attractiveness only

It does not enhance general likability

Why?

• A man who has resources but is unwilling to share them is not really advantageous, at least for a long-term relationship (Buss & Schmitt, 1993).

Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological Re- view, 100, 204–233.

What enhances likability?

Cooperation and altruism

Social resources (i.e. mutual aid and support in tribal setting)

More enjoyable/positive interactions

More willingness to share and invest more resources

Higher commitment

Nurturance and care of offspring and female

What enhances likability?

Altruistic men relative to nonaltruistic men were rated as more:

attractive

socially desirable

desirable as a date

Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 427–440.

Likability does not equal not immediately equal attraction

Young women equally desire comparable qualities (i.e., warmth and kindness) in a steady

dating partner

boyfriend

platonic friend

Just because a young woman enjoys going out on a regular basis with her nice guy, platonic friend, does not mean that she will want him for anything more than a friend even though he possesses qualities that she wants in a boyfriend.

Sprecher, S., & Regan, P. C. (2002). Liking some things (in some people) more than others: Partner preferences in romantic relationships and friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19, 463–481.

Every time a nice guy is rejected, he then mistakenly assumes it is because he was [too] nice. This experience is compounded by the recurring situation of a woman complaining about a past relationship. If she is complaining, then she tends to focus on what a jerk the guy was. So once again a nice guy can’t figure women out and wonders why she got involved with a jerk. (Gray, 1997,p. 174)

*Gray, J. (1997). Mars and Venus on a date: A guide for navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship. New York: HarperPaperbacks.

Men high in agreeableness, dominance increased subjective:

• physical attractiveness

• sexual attractiveness

• dating desirability• general social desirability

• Men whose dominance is linked to cooperative, altruistic tendencies are preferred

• Men whose dominance is linked to competitive, selfish tendencies are not

Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 427–440.

Male dominance may signal to women the ability to obtain resources for her and her offspring

AND

Altruism and cooperation may signal the willingness to give and share

• If a woman perceives the nice guy as both sweet/nice and attractive, she is more likely to continue to go out with him

Niceness has to be genuine!

Men whose cooperation and altruism seem intrinsically motivated will be selectively preferred by women, whereas men whose cooperation appears to be externally motivated will not (Hinde, 1978)

If you are being nice just so you can get a woman, she will sense it and be put off

Hinde. R. A. (1978). Dominance and role—Two concepts with dual meanings. Journal of Social and Biological Structures, 1, 27-38.

What is a nice guy versus too nice?

These are not altruistic or cooperative behaviours:

People-pleaser

Chameleon, will adopt the qualities of the people around him

No clear sense of own identity

No boundaries

What is a nice guy versus too nice?

You are not a “nice” guy if:

You are a doormat

You put her on a pedestal

Personal gains/advantage– disengengenious, want a reward/sex for being nice

What women see as nice guy

When asked to describe the stereotypic nice guy, female respondents perceived them as either

good guys (men who were polite and willing to wait for sex and who possessed a good personality, high standards, and morals)

or

losers (men who were needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced, lacking confidence)

Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating preferences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.

Attraction

Attraction is not just about physical appearance, it’s about your nonverbal cues to (i.e. protect and provide)

Dominant body postures result in higher ratings of sexual attractiveness

Men who successfully initiated courtships with women exhibited different nonverbal behavior from unsuccessful men

Do:

glancing behaviour

space maximization movements

fewer closed body movement

sexual touching

Renninger, L. A., Wade, T. J., & Grammer, K. (2004). Getting that female glance: Patterns and consequences of male nonverbal behavior in courtship contexts. Evolution and Human Behavior, 25, 416-431.

Don’t:

fidget

look down when you talk

hunch

drink too much

Confidence comes from being secure in your abilities

Whatever your skill or hobbies, women are attracted to the competence and passion you demonstrate in your area of interest

Don’t tell stories that make you look or sound weak and incompetent

Arrogance comes from being insecure in your abilities

Men sometimes think that a woman will suddenly become interested once she finds out how fascinating, rich, or fit they are

Most men spend time talking and talking on the date about themselves, laying out their long list of accomplishments and capabilities

Listen! And respond accordingly with open-ended follow up questions

Take Away:

Embrace your own strength and power

Demonstrate kindness and collaboration

Exhibit behaviour that demonstrates your ability to protect and provide

Set boundaries!

Stand up straight, look into her eyes and smile without rocking or fidgeting

Speak with confidence about your interests

kathrinebejanyan.com

kathrine@kathrinebejanyan.com

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