Practical communication in marriage

Practical Communication in Marriage

Practical Communication in MarriageChristine Hammond, LMHC

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Ask & answer each question with your spouse.

What have you learned from me?Who do I remind you of from your past?How does our marriage help or hinder your goals? When was your favorite marriage memory?

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SessionsCommunicating the good, the bad & the uglyManaging angry responsesBringing conflict to resolutionHandling difficult people

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Communication Mishap

Back story about the clip:Deborah and Raymond are married with 3 kidsShe wanted some alone timeRaymond spied on her and found her cryingHe assumed it was about him

You dont have to be like Deborah and Raymond

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Main Point:

Your Communication Can Be Better

The is an update of the little talk that we first had in 1991.

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LyingNot listeningInterruptingGetting distractedFailing to prioritizeTaking things personallyAssumingName calling / yellingOver-explainingBringing up the pastPoor Communication Habits

Lying Even small lies have consequences and a pattern of lying breeds mistrust. Not listening Thinking about what you are going to say instead of what is being said. Interrupting Causes frustration and demonstrates a lack of respect. Getting distracted Other things/people are more important than your spouse. Failing to prioritize Produces a Chicken Little situation The sky is falling. Taking things personally Not all comments (direct or indirect) are about you. Assuming This makes an ass out of you and me. Name calling / yelling Borders on abusive or controlling tactics. Over-explaining More is not better when it comes to explaining. Bringing up the past Some things are better left in the past where they belong. 6

There is more hope for a foolthan for someone who speaks without thinking.

King SolomonProverbs 29:20

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WhatWouldJesusSay?

Confronted only when necessary - Discussion about the Sabbath, Matthew 12:1-8 Spoke to the heart not the words - The Rich ruler, Matthew 19:6-22 Forgave, showed mercy & grace - The Samaritan woman, John 4:1-30 Focused points - Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5, 6, 7 Showed emotion when appropriate - Wept after Lazarus death, John 11:35 Refused argumentative bait - Jesus heals on the Sabbath, Matthew 12:9-13 Emphasis on the long-term - Jesus predicts his death, Matthew 20:17-19 Used stories to make hard points - Parable of vineyard workers, Matthew 20:1-16 Didnt over-prophesize - Leaders demand a miraculous sign, Matthew 16:1-4 Present in the moment - Jesus heals a paralyzed man, Matthew 9:1-8 8

Separate issues into categoriesPrioritize each issueSchedule, send email or disregardEstablish rulesMaintain boundariesCommunicateEvaluate

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Categories

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Prioritize

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THE RULESSet a time limitDiscuss one topic at a timeRemain courteousAgree to walk away if neededExplain in one or two sentencesNo why questionsReconcile with an agreement/agree to disagreeDont replay conversation

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Boundaries

Exaggerator - Makes mountains out of mole hillsUse a scale from one to ten to determine significance. Repeater Says the same thing over and overLimit repetition to two times, after that lovingly disengage. Bottom-liner Little to no back storyTwo sentence back story prior to conclusion. Interrogator Should be FBI cross-examinerNo Why questions or close-end questions. Nagger Persistently pesters Use positive reinforcement. Ignorer Says very little or nothing at allOne complete sentence response. 13

Drive-thru CommunicatingListenLookRepeatRefine Respond

Listen Give you undivided attention to what is being said.Look Observe body language. Repeat Say what you heard. Refine Clarify any misunderstandings. Respond Answer any questions. Now you try it.pick a topicKids, money, in-laws, choresGive you 3 minutesRepeat for another 3 minutes with other spouse14

I heard you say this ___________. Is that what you meant?Im sorry you feel that way. What can I do to help?Will you please forgive me for ___________?15

What worked?What needs improvement?Was there a resolution?

Evaluate your interaction.

Next week we will be discussing:Managing angry responses Understand the origin of anger and ways to master it

Please complete the feedback form and leave it at the welcome desk.16


Please separate out because we will be doing many exercises17


What is the best way to handle anger?Who is the angriest person you know?How did your parents handle anger? When was your worst angry moment?

Complete this exercise with your spouse.18


To answer some questions from our last session:

Intentionally focused on your marriage. Communication with kids is different because it must always be done at their level.19

It is very hard to love this

New Rules: No poking your spouse during our sessions.20

The names of anger

AggravatedAnnoyedAntagonisticBitter EnragedExasperatedFrustratedFuriousHostile IncensedInfuriatedIrritatedMaddenRageResentmentWrath

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Main Point:No one can make you angry

You make me want to undo several years of anger management.

Cain was angry with God for rejecting his offering.God did not accept responsibility for Cains anger. Anger in and of itself is not evil. What you do with the anger can be sinful.

Why are you so angry? theLordasked Cain. Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master. Genesis 4:6-7

Main Point: No one can make you angry

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Angry Outburst

Angry Outburst

Everyone Loves Raymond, season 4, episode 22Raymond records Deborahs outburst in an attempt to get her to realize how angry she sounds.

Play video Notice how the tone of a persons voice can set someone off23

Unhealthy Anger Cycle

Unhealthy Anger CyclePain Some event causes you pain.Anger You feel anger.Escape You attempt to escape through finding pleasure which can be an addictive behavior.Withdraw The response from your spouse is to withdraw from you.Confusion You become confused by your spouse because you were just trying to minimize the anger which in turn leads to another painful event.

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Discuss the last time you engaged in unhealthy anger.

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We know we get angry, but what angers God?

Whining Numbers 10:11 Israelites complaining in the desertResistance Exodus 4:13-14 Moses questioning God about His planStubbornness & Rebellion Exodus 32:9-10 Making of the golden calf.Pride Numbers 12:1-9 Aaron & Miriam finding fault with Moses choice of a wife.Disobedience Numbers 22:21-22 God forbad Balaam to go on a trip, he went anyway.Leading astray Deuteronomy 9:20 Aaron leading the Israelites astray with the golden calf.Stealing from Him Joshua 7:1 Achan stealing from the TempleWorshipping other gods 1 Kings 11:9 This includes worship of your spouseFalse witness Job 32:3 Jobs friends understanding of GodNot keeping a promise Ecclesiastes 5:6 Follow through on your promises to God.Rejecting the Holy Spirit Zechariah 7:12 Allow heart to harden to the point you cant hear the Holy SpiritKeeping children from Jesus Mark 10:14 Angry at disciples from keeping children from JesusRidiculing God John 11:38 story of Lazarus death with people mocking Jesus

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Healthy Anger Cycle

Healthy Anger Cycle Gods way of dealing with anger

Behavior A persons behavior is hurtful.Anger You feel anger.Confront You confront the behavior not your spouses ego.Resistance Your spouse resists the confrontation.Persevere You lovingly persists with your stance.

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What are you really angry about?

Whats behind your anger?

Before you confront, make sure you know what is behind your anger. What are you really angry about?ShameSadnessFearFrustrationGuiltDisappointmentWorryEmbarrassmentJealousyHurtAnxiety

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Anger ExercisePick an angry momentRecount the storyAsk, What does this remind me of?Look for underlying incident

Your angry moment could be aboutI-4 drivingKids defianceCrisis with ISISFalse gossip about youBetrayal of a friendUnfair evaluation at workPrejudice29

Anger Styles

Anger stylesAggressive confronts quickly but is often bullishSuppressive doesnt confront, stuffs and then explodes laterPassive-aggressive confronts about other things instead of what is wrongAssertive confronts in love

What style are you?Ask your spouse.30

Anger BoundariesPray.Practice.Confront.No yelling.No verbal abuse.Walk away.Readdress.No physical abuse.Release.Forgive.

Anger boundariesPray before confronting. Practice or write out what you need to say.Confront within 24 hours of event, in private, not in front of the kids.Yelling and speaking passionately are different. Voice tone matters.No name calling or verbal abuse.Walk away instead of exploding.Readdress within 24 hours.Zero tolerance for physical abuse or threats.Release anger after issue is addressed.Forgive.

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How to Deal with an Angry PersonStillSilenceStanceSnubSuspendSpeak

How to deal with an angry person

Still - Keep calm, breathe one angry person is enoughSilence - Immediately quiet your voice, check the tone of your voiceStance - Assume a non-aggressive poiseSnub Refuse to take it their anger personallySuspend Use a hand signal to indicate that the rant has gone on too longSpeak - To the emotion not to the logic - I see that you are angry about 32

Rescind your Angry WordsAcknowledgeAnalyzeAssessAskAssure

Rescind your angry words

Danger is one letter short of Anger.Acknowledge what you said was hurtfulAnalyze why you said it, was there any truthAssess what and how you could have said it differentlyAsk for forgiveness and be patient for the response from your spouseAssure that you will not repeat the same mistake by establishing a new boundary

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What helped?How can you improve?Where do you need more help?

Evaluate your interaction.

Next week we will be discussing:Bringing conflict to resolution How to resolve issues so everyone wins.



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What issue never seems to get resolved?Who do you have the most conflict with?How do you resolve conflict? When was the last time you felt good about a resolution?

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Conflict Happens When You Least Expect It

Conflict happens when you least expect it

Video clip from Everyone Loves Raymond, season 4 episode 16, Tenth Anniversary

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Biblical Conflicts

Biblical Conflicts

Sarah and Hagar Sarah is upset that Ishmael is making fun of Isaac. She demands that Hagar and Ishmael be sent away from Abraham and Isaac. God allows it and says He will make a great nation out of Ishmael. Genesis 21:8-21Leah and Rachel Jacob is tricked into marrying Leah first, then marries Rachel. God blesses Leah with four boys because she was unloved. Rachel gets her maid to sleep with Jacob, Leah does the same, and finally Rachel gets pregnant. Genesis 29:16 30:24Joseph and his brothers Joseph was the favored son of Jacobs. Joseph told his brothers that he had a dream they would bow down to him. The brothers became angry and sold him into slavery. God protected Joseph. Genesis 37:3-36Absalom and Amnon Amnon rapes his half-brothers (Absalom) sister. David, their father, was angry but did nothing. Absalom plots and then murders Amnon two years later. God told David there would be conflict in his family because he slept with Bathsheba and killed her husband Uriah. 2 Samuel 13:1-39Jonah and Nineveh Jonah hated that the people of Nineveh confessed and converted. His prejudice towards them was so strong that we wanted to die twice rather than see them repent. God refused to let him die. Jonah 4Jesus and his half-brother, James James did not believe Jesus was the Messiah (John 7:5) until after the Resurrection (Acts 1:14). Jesus gave the responsibility of their mother to John after His death. John 19:25-27Paul and Peter Peter refused to eat with Gentiles in Antioch, when he had done this prior, because James friends were present. Paul called out his hypocrisy. Galatians 2:11-16

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Main Point:

We all have conflict

Main Point:We all have conflict40

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Dont they come from the evil desires at war within you? James 4:1

Conflict begins inside of you.

It is the warring of your sinful nature vs. your redeemed nature.

What are some of your internal conflicts?41

What is Conflict?

What is Conflict?

It is larger than a disagreement.Perceived threat of some sort (real or not). Could be a crisis, imminent, or agenda.It grows when ignored.It remains because underlying issue is not resolved. It is colored by your perception. It is not necessarily an objective review of the facts, it is about how you see things based on your life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.It triggers emotions.This can include anger. It is an opportunity for deeper growth.Resolving the conflict builds trust, security and intimacy.

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Managing ConflictUnhealthyHealthyRejects problemAngry responseWithdraw of loveRefusal to negotiateNegative attitude Admits problemRespectful responseForgivingProactive negotiationPositive attitude

Managing Conflict

Unhealthyresponses: Rejects Problem - An inability torecognize andrespondto matters of great importance to theotherperson Angry Response - Explosive, angry, hurtful, andresentful reactions Withdraw of Love - Thewithdrawal of love,resultingin rejection, isolation, shaming, andfear of abandonment Refusal to Negotiate - Thefear andavoidance of conflict Negative Attitude - Theexpectation of badoutcomes

Healthyresponses: Admits Problem - Thecapacity to recognize andrespondtoimportantmatters Respectful Responses Listening, seeking to understand rather than to be understoodForgiving - A readiness toforgiveandforget Proactive Negotiation - Theability to seekcompromiseandavoidpunishing Positive Attitude - A belief that resolution can supporttheinterests andneeds of both parties

Example of Absalom and David to Amnon43

Environment, Rules & BoundariesAgree on the ProblemGather InformationBrainstorm SolutionsNegotiateTake ActionEvaluate

Steps to Conflict Resolution

Environment, rules & boundariesAgree on the problemGather informationBrainstorm solutionsNegotiateTake actionEvaluate 44

Step 1: Environment, Rules & Boundaries

Step 1: Environment, Rules & Boundaries

Find neutral territory such as a restaurant Schedule the timeAgree to work towards win/winSet a time limitFocus on one problem be specific but not repetitive or obsessiveRemain calm - express feelings in words not actionsDo drive-thru communicatingNo attacking, accusations, generalizing, shutting down or stockpilingCheck tone of voice and body languageAgree to disagree and table discussion if needed

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3 Possible Outcomes

Three possible OutcomesCompeteI win, You loseCompromiseI lose, You loseNegotiateI win, You win46

Step 1: Agree on Rules & Boundaries Pride leads to conflict;those who take advice are wise. Proverbs 13:10

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Step 2: Agree on the Problem

Step 2: Agree on the Problem

Bulls-eye Example: Yellow Center - Wife has an affair; Husband works but is unavailable at homeRed Circle - Wife feels unattractive; Husband is drinking dailyBlue Circle - Wife believes husband has abandoned her; Husband has alcohol induced dementiaWhite Circle - Wife has suppressed anger towards husband; Husband has escaped through alcoholBlack Circle - Wife felt rejected early on in marriage; Husband felt rejected early on in marriage

Why?Both had a shared trauma which was still unresolved.

Step 1: Describe the problem as you see it. Step 2: Look for a larger issue. Step 3: Look for underlying needs & fears. Step 4: Pick your battle (problem or issue) wisely.

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Step 2: Choose a ProblemSensible people control their temper;they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.Proverbs 19:11

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Step 3: Gather Information

Step 3: Gather Information

SWOTStrengths Which of your strengths will help with this problem? What have you done in the past that worked?Weaknesses What might hold you back from dealing with this problem? Listen for hidden fears.Opportunities How does this problem present an opportunity? Attitude is everything.Threats Who or What might threaten a positive outcome? What hasnt worked in the past?

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Step 3: Ask QuestionsSpouting off before listening to the factsis both shameful and foolish.Proverbs 18:13

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Step 4: Brainstorming

Step 4: Brainstorming

Initially focus on:Keeping it positiveBeing creativeStaying in the present (not past)Withholding criticismWelcoming unusual ideasSaying as many ideas as possible

Next focus on:Turning problems into possibilitiesImproving on ideasCombining ideas

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Step 4: Brainstorm SolutionsJust as damagingas a madman shooting a deadly weapon is someone who lies to a friendand then says, I was only joking.Proverbs 26:18-19

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Step 5: Negotiate

Step 5: Negotiate using TKI (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument)

Competing Satisfying your own concerns at your spouses expense.Collaborating Finding a win-win solution that satisfies both concerns.Compromising Settling which only partially satisfies both concerns.Avoiding Sidestepping without satisfying eithers concerns.Accommodating Satisfying your spouses concerns at your expense.

How to reach Collaborating?Be hard on the problem and soft on the personEmphasize common groundMake clear agreementsBe willing to forgive / ask for forgivenessKnow when to let goAllow for equal speaking / listening time

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Before you stop negotiating.Consider:Is it built on collaboration?Is it meeting the needs of both of you?Is it feasible?Is it fair?

Before you stop negotiating

Consider:Is it built on collaboration? Did you agree on one option?Is it meeting the needs of both of you? Are you satisfied?Is it feasible? Are you over committing?Is it fair? Do you need to involve a third party?

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Step 5: NegotiateStarting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate,so stop before a dispute breaks out. Proverbs 17:14

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Step 6: Take Action

Step 6: Take Action

Set a target date to startSet evaluation timesSet an end date

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Step 6: Agree on Action StepsSome people make cutting remarks,but the words of the wise bring healing.Proverbs 12:18

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Step 7: EvaluateWhat worked?How can you improve?Where do you need more help?

Step 7: Evaluate your interaction.

What worked?How can you improve?Where do you need more help?

Next week we will be discussing:Dealing with difficult people Identify challenging people more quickly and handling more effectively



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What is a difficult characteristic for you to manage?Who is difficult to deal with?How do you respond to difficult people? When was there a difficult time in our marriage?

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Are you a difficult person?

Are you a difficult person?

Everyone Loves Raymond video:Frank and Marie have moved to a retirement village.Raymond and Deborah stop by to visit them (85 minutes away).They are asked to go to the sales office to sign some papers.

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Main Point: You can only change you.

Main Point: You can only change you.

Cartoon: Dear God, Please stop teaching me how to deal with difficult people. Amen.64

What Makes a Person Difficult?

What makes a person difficult?

Difficulty is measured through a bell-shaped curve where the mean score is average (the same as others) with a standard deviation of +1 or -1. A standard deviation of >1 but -1 but 2 or >-2 is definitely less or more than others.65

Normal TraitsAbnormal Disorders

Normal TraitsPersistent patterns of perceiving, relating and thinking Consistent in most circumstancesConsistent viewpoint about self and othersObserved in a wide range of contexts

Abnormal DisordersPersonality traits which become inflexible and maladaptiveOmnipresentResistant to changeEarly onset in childhood or adolescenceCause significant functional deterioration

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DSM-V Personality Disorder Definition

Begins in childhood or adolescenceBehavior patterns are consistentMakes others sufferDoesnt know or accept they have a disorderHas problems in relationships Thinks that others are the problemIncapable of maintaining stable work or affective relationships over timeMay have depressive symptoms or anxietyDoesnt respond to conventional treatments

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Fools

A wise person chooses the right road;a fool takes the wrong one. You can identify foolsjust by the way they walk down the street! - Ecc. 10:2-3

Scripture calls difficult peopleFools

A wise person chooses the right road;a fool takes the wrong one. You can identify foolsjust by the way they walk down the street! - Ecc. 10:2-3

Other verses about handling difficult people: Again I say, dont get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those peoples hearts, and they will learn the truth. - 2 Tim. 2:23-25A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted. - Prov. 12:16Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. - Prov. 12:15Unfriendly people care only about themselves;they lash out at common sense. - Prov. 18:1Dont waste your breath onfools, for they will despise the wisest advice. - Prov. 23:9Fools base their thoughts on foolish assumptions,so their conclusions will be wicked madness;they chatter on and on. - Ecc. 10:13-14a

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Which difficulty do you have little tolerance for?

Which difficulty do you have little tolerance for?

IndecisiveKnow-It-AllAgreeableComplainerSilentAggressiveNegativistLierAbuserAdvantage takerEmotional rollercoasterAvoiderPassive-aggressiveConstantly depressiveExcessively arrogantIgnorerIllogicalParanoidObsessive-compulsiveAddictSuicidalApatheticRudeExcessive talkerNot empatheticNot intimateNon-stop anxiousInsecureExtreme selfishnessExaggerator MinimizerThiefVery IrresponsibleGossipManipulator Argumentative NaggerHyperactive Creepy Hypersexual Flamboyant

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Before you ConfrontDont waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Dont throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. - Matthew 7:6

Before you Confront

Remember what Jesus said

Dont waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Dont throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. Matthew 7:6

Best advice I received as a counselor, hard to implement.70

What is so Difficult?

What is so Difficult?

What makes that person difficult to deal with?

Identify the characteristics makes them difficult for you to deal with them.Review the difficulty list and add more characteristics if needed. Remembering some of your past experiences and conversations, think about what specifically bothered you so much.Possibly get another persons perspective on the difficult person.

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Is It Me or You?

Is it me or you?

Everyone Loves Raymond clip: same episodeFrank and Marie return home.Robert and Amy are shocked they got kicked out.Raymond realizes something about his parents.72

See Things from their Perspective

See things from their perspective

Why do they react immediately in anger, become defensive or lie?

Separate the person from the issueListen more than you speakIdentify the type of difficulty they haveAccept them for who they areSee the best in themBe aware of their negative traitsWalk in their shoes

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Establish Boundaries

Establish Boundaries

1. Realize that your needs are important.2. Be firm and kind.3. Have realistic expectations.4. Walk away when needed.5. Remind yourself youre in charge.

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During ConflictDont repay evil for evil. Dont retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. - 1 Peter 3:9

During Conflict

Dont repay evil for evil. Dont retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. - 1 Peter 3:9

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Manage You First

Manage You First

Constantly keep a birds eye viewLead, dont followUnderstand your triggersSet reasonable expectationsRemain calm and logicalDont get lost in their vortexDont become defensiveKnow when to keep a healthy distanceKnow when to walk away

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Effective Techniques

Effective Techniques

Your approach is everythingCome along side empathizeHamburger method Big Mac it. (Compliment, confront, compliment, confront, compliment)Practice, practice, practicePay attention to body language

Your turn77

During the Conversation

During the Conversation

Be proactive not reactiveFocus on the behavior not the personHold fast to your boundariesOnly allow a rant to go on for limited timeFocus on facts not fantasy or extremesDont agree when you dontMove to problem solvingKnow what you want from the conversationSilence can be misinterpreted as agreementAsk for feedback

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When all else fails

Use humor. Dont belittle or be sarcastic. Gentle humor in combination with good timing can lighten an atmosphere.Predict reactions. This is a game you can play in your head to keep from getting frustrated. Get the last word.Thank you for sharing, is a favorite ending line.Plan an exit strategy.Have a pending date, time limit or some other way to end a long conversation.Confront bullies. Bullies look for weak targets, dont be weak.

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After the ConflictBut to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. - Luke 6:27-28

After the Conflict

But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. Luke 6:27-2880

Loving a difficult person means

Patience - Not easily annoyed Kindness - Gentle in your dealingsNot Jealous - Not envious of their position, power, or prestigeNot Boastful - Not arrogant about your opinionNot Proud - Not self-righteous regarding your personalityNot Rude - Not impolite when taking Not Demanding - Not being difficult in future dealings no matter how difficult they areNot Irritable - Not argumentativeNo Record Keeping - Forgiving actions as many times as needed Rejoices in Truth - More concerned with truth than being rightDoesnt Quit - Having an attitude of tenderness not hatred Faithful - Unwavering in kindness regardless if they deserve itHopeful - Having positive expectations for themEnduring - Remaining durable despite any objectionable behavior

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A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone. ~Unknown

What can you learn from a difficult person?

A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone. - Unknown

Grandmothers paranoia gave me strong instincts about people.Dads narcissism kept me from getting intimidated by others.Brothers atheism taught me apologetics.

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Evaluate



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Practical communication in marriage