Love & Sex: Look Out! You are Being Recruited

September 6 & 20, 2014

James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist, PSY 22074www.jamestobinphd.comjt@jamestobinphd.com 949-338-438

This is the Story of Ron and Sally

• Part I: Relational Trauma and Adaptation

• Part II: Identity and Assimilation • Part III: Avoiding Transformation

Part I: Relational Trauma and Adaptation

Ron with his Mother

Relational Trauma

• Is inevitable (occurs to all of us).

• Can be minor or major.

• Is the experience that initiates the formation of the human mind – the “ego” is born in the context of relational trauma (specifically with the first occurrence of frustration).

Relational Trauma • In the first moments of relational frustration, the infant begins a lifelong activity of coping with/adapting to the reality of experience (which will always been less than perfect).

The main purpose of the human mind (ego) is to adapt to

(tolerate/cope with/manage) the reality of experience

Coping with the Reality of Experience (Relational Frustration and Disappointment)

(1) Create a narrative to explain reality (and, in particular, relational trauma)

(2) Set up and utilize (across the lifespan) a reliable defensive style that is the personality (personality is nothing more than a type of raincoat)

(1) The Narrative

• The infant’s mind attempts to tolerate, organize, digest, and overcome relational trauma.

• The infant’s mind is immature: the narrative generated is over-simplistic, exaggerated, or completely untrue (e.g., “My daddy hits me because I am bad/unlovable”).

•The narrative arrived at is rigid and repetitively applied to subsequent situations.

(2) A Reliable Defensive Style: The Personality

• Attachment – Turning Toward the Other (Co-Dependence)

• Detachment – Turning Away from the Other (Narcissism)

• One’s personality may be characterized along this continuum, and there may also be distinct pockets of narcissism if one is mainly co-dependent or distinct pockets of co-dependence if one is mainly narcissistic.

• See Ross Rosenberg’s compelling work

Part II: Identity and Assimilation

“Identity” (Self-Concept)

• One’s personality (defensive style) and narrative work together to affirm each other over.

•For example, if Ron’s narrative is “I am bad/unlovable,” his personality will affirm the key assumption of the narrative and vice versa – for example, he may become a secretary to a narcissistic man or woman despite his superior intellectual ability and interpersonal capacities; consequently, he allows himself to be manipulated, coerced, etc. because he believes this is what he deserves.

“Identity” Becomes Calcified (Over Time)

• Ron may be exposed to a person (teacher, coach, friend, lover, etc.) or experience (whitewater rafting trip) that challenges his narrative and, by extension, the defensive style of his personality.

• For some people (including Ron), the new person or experience cannot ENTER the domain of identity and alter it – I CALL THIS “EXCLUSION” AND IT IS THE CANCER OF THE HUMAN SOUL – RON’S IDENTITY IS FIXED/RIGID/UNYIELDING, AND IN THIS WAY IS HARDENED, IMPENETRABLE, AND MALIGNANT.

Assimilation

• If, on the other hand, one’s identity if malleable (due to a flexible narrative and flexible defensive style in the personality), new experience easily enters the domain of identity and alter it – I CALL THIS “ASSIMILATION” AND IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF “EXCLUSION.”

• The capacity to assimilate allows for ongoing assimilations which, in turn, create greater and greater flexibility of one’s narrative and personality/defensive style (IT CAN BE ARGUED THAT PSYCHOTHERAPY IS ABOUT NOTHING ELSE OTHER THAN PROMOTING THE PATIENT’S CAPACITY TO ASSIMILATE NEW EXPERIENCE).

When Ron Meets Sally ....

• In Ron’s mind, Sally (assuming she is not invested in traumatizing Ron) represents TO RON nothing but .....

AN ASSIMILATION THREAT

The Assimilation Threat Is Terrifying

• If Sally breaks through the rigid sense of self (“identity”) Ron has been building up his entire life, all hell could break loose ... including Ron’s inevitable realization that his narrative and personality style were inappropriately applied throughout most of his life.

• This is what I conceptualize as “regret”: not moral wrongdoing or fallibility, but the acknowledgment of what could have been possible/what was easily in one’s grasp (what could have been assimilated) but, for whatever reason, was bypassed or not pursued.

Grooming

• In order to prevent the assimilation threat from occurring (even though it would be incredibly liberating and growth-producing), Ron unconsciously begins to groom Sally to be less and less of an assimilation threat (that would disconfirm his narrative) AND transforms her to a non-threatening assimilation (that confirms, does not challenge, his narrative).

Nice, Warm, Loving Sally: An Assimilation Threat to Ron

RON GROOMS SALLY AND INEVITABLY TRANFORMS HER

The Result

• We are always being recruited by others to be non-threatening assimilations for them (that affirm their narrative and personality/defensive way of being).

• When Sally enters the theater of Ron’s mind, she has absolutely no idea of what is at stake for him.

• What is at stake for him (if he allows Sally’s true essence to impact him) is his entire identity and life narrative; he must, therefore, groom and transform her.

• This perspective, in part, explains why people stay in abusive relationships and notions of “the nice guy finishes last,” attraction to the “bad boy,” etc. -- these individuals do not need to be transformed, as they are not assimilation threats.

Part III: Avoiding Transformation

When Sally Meets Ron, She Must Be Aware of the Theatrical Drama She is About to Enter (in Ron’s Mind)

In the Drama, Attempts Will Be Made to Gradually Transform Sally (In Actual Reality or Only in the Reality of Ron’s Mind)

How Does this Happen?

Sally’s Scar Tissue is Re-Activated

•Ron “found” Sally because he instinctively realized he could contact her vulnerability and, by so doing, gradually transform her from a threatening to non-threatening assimilation (“chemistry” re-defined).

• Sally’s past injuries become re-activated by Ron over time and, in reactivity, she is made to feel threatened and/or insecure (because she is vulnerable to these feelings).

Sally’s Scar Tissue is Re-Activated

•This escalates in intensity until Sally inevitably shifts from a freedom to be who she is with Ron into a place where she feels threatened and must protect herself.

• Sally then becomes someone who she is not (what friends can often see) – the angry, critical woman, for example .....

AND/OR

• Sally adopts a full-fledged defensive style to stay in the relationship with Ron: she migrates toward co-dependency or narcissism or both.

At This Point, the Relationship Is No Longer Viable

• When one partner becomes similar to the traumatizing parent of the other partner, or when one partner must stylistically adapt (narcissism/co-dependence) to the other partner, the relationship loses viability and either person may fall “out of love” with the other

• An entire workshop could be done on how a woman becomes maternal rather than erotic toward her lover (thus becoming the lover’s mother).

Love/Loving Another Means ...

(1) you avoid becoming coerced to act in a way that traumatizes your partner

(2) you avoid becoming (or being) narcissistic and/or co-dependent with regard to your partner

Notice that achieving (1) and (2) is exactly what the other person does not want you to do – doing (1) and (2) means you are an ASSIMILIATION THREAT AND WILL REMAIN ONE NO MATTER WHAT .....

If You Manage to Remain an Assimilation Threat

(1) You may be broken up with out of no where and for no clear reason

(2) You may manage to enter the other’s identity and alter it (THIS IS LOVE – by definition, it is overcoming the other’s resistance to being changed or altered by the goodness of you)

YOU MUST REMAIN OUTSIDE OF THE EMOTIONAL GRASP AND MANIPULATION OF YOUR

PARTNER .... THIS CREATES SEPARATION FROM/DIFFERENTATION BETWEEN YOU AND HIM/HER AND IMMEDIATELY BUILDS IN THE

OTHER A FEAR OF/ATTRACTION TOWARD YOU

REMAININHG SEPARATE ENHANCES YOUR CREDIBILITY AND INFLUENTIAL POWER – THE

OTHER WILL RESPECT YOU AND ALSO BE AFRAID OF YOU ---- THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT

Key: How You Remain Strategically “Separate” from the Other

• (1) establish and maintain boundaries • (2) cultivate “neutrality” (not disinterest or apathy, but the sense that you are not overly bothered or overly troubled by anything) • (3) realize that emerging feelings of insecurity or vulnerability you begin to feel are likely being projected into you by the other • (4) avoid being guilt-induced

Key: How You Remain Strategically “Separate” from the Other

• (5) maintain self-care • (6) maintain a differentiated identity (your own friendships, activities, and private life) • (7) resist accepting subtle or not-so-subtle invitations for you to be co-dependent and hide your true feelings for fear of what the other person will not want or like to hear (leading to your suppression, hypervigilance to not upset the other, lying, etc.)• (8) not gratify the other

“Where are you? I’ve been calling you all night – where have you been? You know this kind of thing drives me nuts!”

Gratifying Response:“I am so sorry. I was at dinner with Rita and left my cell phone in the hotel room. I was going to call you but I thought you would be asleep and I didn’t want to wake you.”

Non-Gratifying Response:

Closing Thoughts

• Be willing to give up your reliance on the other’s approval and confirmation (“the capacity to be alone”).

• It is often helpful (if you are Sally) to proclaim differentiation early (with Ron) – this may strike some as seeming bitchy but it is not and will really set the stage for your capacity to be a threat (e.g., “I’ve told you numerous times already, and I am not going to tell you again”). (THE NOTION OF “NO” IS VITAL)

You are attempting to do something paradoxical with your partner or potential partner: by establishing separation and boundary, you are promoting erotic tension, intimacy, and relationship viability .

James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist PSY 22074220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1Newport Beach, CA 92660949-338-4388

Email: jt@jamestobinphd.com Website: www.jamestobinphd.com