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Choosing life partner-


• Marriage• Know yourself• Know what you want• Rate the candidate• Happy living• Avoiding conflicts

Index


Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance (EFG) has uploaded following presentations at http://myefg.in/downloads.aspxAlso https://dl.dropbox.com/u/83265908/Links-events.xls has linksBe mentor using your education, knowledge & experience to contribute for a social cause & do conduct free training seeking help of existing platforms. Kindly share with your friends•Motivation for higher study, Planning for study, Education guidance, Career guidance, Career available after SSC & HSC•Personality development – 3 files •How to prepare resume, Tips to attend interview successfully•Religion related –To understand basic religion, Do &Don’t tips•Health related - Be vegetarian, Be healthy•Corporate - Project management, Assertiveness, Ownership•Finance - To avoid speculation in stock market•Social - Women empowerment, Choosing life partner

About us

http://myefg.in/downloads.aspx


• To strengthen intellectual, emotional and spiritual aspects of your personality

• To select the best possible partner matching to your personalities & attributes

• To be happy in fulfilling your duties and responsibilities towards your spouse & families

• To be a mature, spiritually & emotionally healthy and committed spouse

• To be prepared for future challenges and conflicts - To change & grow to be better person and well-adjusted marriage partner

Objective


Reasons for marriageMarriage is a virtually universal human institution Right reasons to marry• Companion throughout life, Unity• Togetherness - Sharing good or bad moments,

realizing dreams together• Sharing, Loving, Caring, Giving• Continuing generation, beautiful creation – ChildWrong reasons to marry• Money, or just Papers • Position in company• Just to have kids• To serve ME


• Long term relationship & stability• Better ritual culture due to common & deep

understanding, supportive for next generation• Improved family relationship• Increased ownership, higher commitments• Feeling of proud of relationship• Feel of satisfaction & delight from peaceful &

happy environment• Financially wealthy & successful• Active participation for function & celebration• Increased morale & no conflicts

Gain…


Successful marriageReasons for successful marriage• Common skills• Good emotional & physical health• High self esteem• High education level• High social status• Pressure from society & kids


• Life expectancy in India is about 67 years• Average age of marriage is 25 to 28• Thus you spend around 40 years with spouse• Want to be memorable, happy & enjoyable??• Would not you want it to be with respect,

trustworthy & dignified?• 2 most important steps

• Select partner with complete thought• Thereafter spend every moment happily

Marriage is one of the most important decision a human being takes in his/her lifeChoosing your life partner is the most difficult task

Life span with spouse


Parent Model• High marriage quality in family of origin• High level of happiness in childhood• Positive relationship between parents

Support from significant others• Parent approval of spouse• Liking of in-laws• Support of friends

Predictor for success


Start a day - Breakfast table

Which scene do you want to see across the breakfast table for the rest of your life?

Decide life partner carefully!


The value of person depends upon• Skills attained• Knowledge acquired• Money earned• Assets build• Good deeds executed• Relations maintained• Love spread and • Behavior exhibited! • There is nothing better in the world than a good

wife. A good wife is the one whose husband becomes glad upon seeing her.

Saying & believing!


• You have own thoughts & feelings about social life, hobbies, religion, marriage, sex, children, work, careers, money management and future

• You have priorities & expectations about people to conduct themselves post marriage

• Have you openly discussed and evaluated your priorities and expectations?

• Communicate honestly & clearly

Have You!


Brainstorming# Category Question1 Marriage What makes you eligibilible for the marriage?2 Marriage Most important points to be considered for a good marriage?3 Marriage Have you identified your needs and expectations?4 Personality Describe yourself in ten lines5 Personality Write down your areas of strength & weakness6 Personality Make a list of feelings that are most prominent in you.7 Personality Do you think you will be able to adjust to new culture?8 Personality Are you comfortable sharing your feelings, ideas & problems?9 Personality Do you make friends easily and long lasting?

10 Personality What expectations do they have from you and your spouse?11 Plan What plans do you have post your marital life?12 Plan What is your financial goal in life?13 Plan How can one prepare himself/herself for successful marital life?14 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good husband?15 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good wife?16 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good father?17 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good mother?18 My thoughts How are you prepared to fulfill your duties & responsibilities for spouse


Brainstorming# Category Question

19 My thoughts Your basic approach to marriage? a team or as two independent individuals?20 My thoughts What is your aim in life?21 My thoughts What is your parenting philosophy?22 My thoughts What are your need & expectations from your spouse?23 My thoughts Are you willing to sacrifice some of your expectations? If so, which ones?24 My thoughts Do you know the rights and duties of spouses?25 My thoughts What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?26 Expectations What should you look for in your life partner?27 Expectations List of positive habits and attitude you would love to see in your life partner.28 Expectations List of negative habits and attitude you would hate to see in your life partner.29 Expectations Fundamental areas that will critically cause an impact in your marriage?30 Expectations What are the areas of compatibility? (criteria of selecting spouse )31 Expectations Does religion play an important part in marital life?32 Expectations What will be the impact of education on marriage?33 Expectations Why it is important to marry in a decent family?34 Expectations Importance of intelectual and cultural interests?35 Expectations Importance of wealth?36 Expectations Importance of physical appearance?


Who am I?

What are my dreams?

What to do to be there?

Who would help?

First step - Know yourself

What I want?

How to seek help?


Steps• Take pen & paper, Introspect

honestly• Know yourself

• Be clear What you want?• Compile the details about your

expectations

• To discuss with parents

• Involve yourself also, Understand the options

• Know clearly What you will be getting

• Make a choice


Evaluate yourselfCriteria Parameters

Quotient Memory Intellectual EmotionalFinancial Constraints Well placed RichInfluence Self, Friends Parental RelativesAbility Sustain

pressureResponse to change

Quick learner

Personality Attitude Culture Value Traits Communication Leadership StabilityExcitement Passion to

learnEnjoy to study

Liking & Interests

Body Thin Normal Builder


Evaluate yourselfCriteria Parameters

Nature Entrepreneur Management FollowerAssertive Aggressive Happy go luckyMy world Social DreamerDisciplined Stable DynamicCreative Routine

Comfort level

Workaholic Leisure Smart working

Career Pursue for life time

Just few years

House wife

Liking Art Commerce Science Location In country At overseas


To decideDecide ideal of each for the marriage• When• Where• How• Expectations


When• An ideal time would be at the end of education

career & initial period of professional career• By law minimum age for marriage : Over 18

years for female & 21 years for male • Before that age, the relationship will lack

spiritual, physical, intellectual, psychological and financial maturity

• Females usually mature ~2 years earlier • The ideal difference in age is between 2-4 years


WhereAt social function• Involving relatives & friends, including activities

such as gathering, musical nights, treats, trips, decoration, dances, etc

Court• Also at court by registration according to the law• By way of religious ceremony• By way of social gathering• By combination of social & religious• Among mass-marriage


How to findArranged marriage• Communicating readiness to friends & relatives• Community based Websites & searchLove marriage• At college, work, social lifeTypes• Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group• Exogamy: Marriage outside a particular group


High Level expectations• Compatibility to be checked for partner for 4

attributes• Intellectual, physical, spiritual and social• Let us add another -- emotional development. • Thus marriage and family life would be five-fold


Important similaritiesRace & culture – 97% marriages of same raceReligion – Issue arises if gap in practicing religion is too wideSocio-economic status – Men often marry down, women often marry up.Age – Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbedHoroscope matchingMatch of profession & statusResidence area - Geographically locale


Family attributesHigh level factors related to families influencing marriage• Love and respect between parents • How they deal with relatives • Harmony between the families• Culture• Communication - Ability to express feelings• Responsibility (Level of success in life)• Financial Status• Health


• Often it is said to be an emotional decision• May brings in religious & social cross culture

issues where practices & habits get challenged • Non-vegetarian food for vegetarians family• Different languages• Loneliness during social events

• Cheating – Often relationships used to cheat a partner sexually or financially

• Interference from the friends, you might be one of many!

• Partner might not be keep commitment• Dreams & reality differs deeply

Cross culture marriage


Partnering

Environment Culture

Way of lifeMethodologies

PeopleFamilies

Partnering

LovingCaring

Sharing

Trust

Transparency

Respect

Honesty Dignity


Expectations• What characteristics are most important for you

to see in your partner?Know crystal clear what you expect about partner

Partner should be close to me in terms of my :• Spirituality, Financially, Academically, Physics

Finding suitable & compatible match would minimize many problems later• Few will form unreal expectations of what they

are looking for in a partner


• Aligned culture, attributes & a common purpose of life

• Clear but realistic expectations• Being open minded & committed, open while

expressing feelings and thoughts• Being a refined and sensitive• Treatment to other people• Focus on long term relationship• Seeing relationship as a win-win & healthy• Sincerely wanting to be together with proud,

dignity & respect and equality• Am I hoping to change after we’re married?

Smart partner


Expectations• Joint family or independent family?• Open or conservative culture?• Small & limited family?• Social or religious family?• Caring & loving• Handsome, Smart, Clever• Dreamer, ambitious?• Simple living, high thinking? Intellectual• Social, religious?• In own country or overseas?• Well to do, rich? Well settled or capable to settle• More educated than me?


Wanting attributes• Please check these attributes during informal

chat or discussions


Questions?

• Faith?• Religious? • Ritual?• Humanity?• Modesty?• Character?• Manners?

Believes• Selfish? Would serve

others? • Spending money?• Respect others?• Stubborn?• Any addictions?• Quick to lose to friends?• Ambition, greediness,• Laziness• Ability to forgive?

Approach towards life


Questions?

• Friends? Social?• Reading books?• Browsing

websites?• Movies?• Music?• Spending time?

Culture?• Hobby, Habits, Health• Decision making?

Thoughtful or in rush?• Punctuality in time?• Like to own everything?• Say sorry when wrong?• Suspicious about people

around?• Humility?

Personality?


Evaluate a candidate


Rating Ideal Actual# Attributes Category Wt Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating1 Religious Enery 60% 10 6 02 Maturity, taking everyone together Enery 70% 10 7 03 Hobbies Enery 40% 10 4 04 Health Enery 80% 10 8 05 Habits Enery 70% 10 7 06 Dreams Enery 60% 10 6 07 Good looking- height, weight, Enery 60% 10 6 08 Life style Enery 60% 10 6 09 Flexibility Enery 60% 10 6 0

10 Loving & Caring Enery 80% 10 8 011 Learning ability, Aptitude Edge 80% 10 8 012 Education. Clever Edge 80% 10 8 013 Street smartness Edge 70% 10 7 014 Skills Edge 70% 10 7 015 Expertise Edge 70% 10 7 016 People connect & social Engerising 60% 10 8 017 Family background Engerising 80% 10 8 0


Rating# Attributes Category Weightage Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating

18 Clarity & communication Engerising 70% 10 7 019 Attitude Engerising 70% 10 7 020 Stability Engerising 70% 10 7 021 Self motivation Execution 60% 10 6 022 Problem solving Execution 60% 10 7 023 Reliability Execution 70% 10 7 024 Ambitious, Goal oriented Execution 70% 10 7 025 Family support, well to do, settled Execution 70% 10 7 026 Kitchen/ Service Execution 70% 10 7 027 Independent & Decision making Execution 80% 10 8 028 Visionary Execution 80% 10 8 029 Well organised/Planner Etiquettes 60% 10 6 030 Self desciplined/ Punctual Etiquettes 60% 10 6 031 Consistency Etiquettes 60% 10 7 032 Sincerity Etiquettes 60% 10 6 033 Value/ character Ethics 80% 10 8 034 Believes Ethics 80% 10 8 035 Trustworthy Ethics 80% 10 8 0

350 244 0 0


Due diligence• Seek matrimonial resume• Scientific method to check brotherhood by assuring

surnames of 4 relations to be out of domain of candidates - thus in all16 combinations (self, mother’s brother, father’s & mother’s mother)

• Due diligence – Family background, Feedback, Status in society, Relationships, Reputation, Well to do, etc

• Cultural alignment• Capability- Educational, Professional• Financial stability, own accommodation?• Checking compatibility, Check Soft skills• Survival risks - service, job security, money matters• Personality - habits, health, hobbies, etc


High level match

Brotherhood

Family background

Family Culture

AttributesRefer List

Agreement

Effective relationship


Engage, Finalize Marriage plans

Invite groom & his parents,

family members

Procedure-Arranged marriage

Seek matrimonial resume

Check brotherhood

Perform due-diligence

Meet to groom & his parents &

family membersFound ok?

Y

Meeting between Groom & Bride

Is compatible?

Y

Enjoy happy married life


Parents Meet & Propose

Engage, Finalize Marriage plans

Procedure-Love marriage

Meet, Understand, getting attracted

Check brotherhood

Continue meetings for due-diligence,

Meet family members

YConvey to parents

Is compatible?

Y

Enjoy happy married life

Agreed?


• Enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction or joy• Derived from small to big things or events• Might be just very few moments of entire life

span when you were extremely happy• Everyone is struggling to seek happiness• Happy are those who are free from hatred,

disease, desire and worry• Think who was the actor to make you happy?• Happiness brings you peaceful mind, good

health, moments of proudThen why to disturb it by small issues & quarrel?

Happiness


7 Vows- Promise to God to be partner throughout the life1.To walk together throughtout life to get pure food2.To walk together for a healthy & prosperous life,

seeking physical, spiritual and mental health3.To support each other to be wealthy, asking strength to

share the happiness and pain together. 4.Determined for love aand rrespect for each other and

their respective families5.Pray for the beautiful, heroic & noble children6.Request for the peaceful long life with each other7.For companionship, togetherness, loyalty and

understanding & to be friends for lifetimeMarriage is a symbol of purity, union of two different people, community and culture

Seven vows


• Lack of understanding• Priorities differs• Methodologies differsAbove results in Disregard & Distrust, cycle continues• Missing on Loving, Caring, Sharing, Giving• Different values • Own world – Ignoring & not sharing time• Lack approval from family (for love marriage)Love cannot be the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. If ingredients are right, then the love will continue!

Issues


Beware• It is observed that good looking handsome boy

or beautiful girl (as the case may be) is preferred most, overlooking other critical & important attributes needed for compatibility!

• Men are valued for status & money• Women are valued for good looks, child rearing

& homemaking skills• Do not marry just for the sake of

• Beauty• Wealth• Dowry• Close reference


Beware• Before you get married, keep both eyes & ear

open, and after you marry, close the eyes• Before committing to someone, don’t let lust,

desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self esteem make you blind to warning signs, keep the brain working!

• Never fool yourself • That you can change someone • That what you see as faults aren’t really that

important


• In case you receive certain confirmed inputs/ facts contradictory to your image, understanding & acceptance, dare to exit timely before it is late

• It is never the late• Involve all stake holders of your side, discuss,

make decision• Do not budge once you make decision• Explain & Communicate affirmatively• Complete the formality honestly

Dare to exit timely


Incompatibility

Deep fry ice-cream?


The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence• Be totally honest and kind at the same time.• Control negative destructive impulses• Control your anger• Express your deepest fears, hopes, and

emotions and everyday thoughts

Happily married life


Beautiful tips• Do not hit head against wall• Know.....who matters• Acknowledgement is the first step towards

improvement• Keep cool & calm, grow and behave!

Tips


• Lifetime to know each other• People do not really know each other well• Continue applying corrections & keep aligning• Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen.• Be prepared for change – people change,

situations shift, relationships take on new dimensions, Couples can cope & adapt

• Have a positive attitude.• Express positive comments most of the time.• Criticism about inadequacies eliminates

emotional space.

Accept totally


• Trust, Communication, Intimacy, Sense of humor, Sharing tasks, a sense of belonging

• Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc)

• Sharing common goals and interests• Giving space to grow without feeling insecure• Assurances of commitment• Concern and careIf these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty, replacing by pain!

What keeps it ON


• Commitment as a symbol, not as a contract• Equal focus on win-win, always!• Trust which offers closeness, fluent

communication & synergistic relationship• Mutual goals & objectives can be achieved with

deep support• Continuous improve• Timely communication & responsiveness• Involvement of partners with each other , trust &

respect for each other, must be magnified

Key element


Thank You

Self Improvement

Earthsoft selecting life partner