From simple tolerance to true understanding – resolving differences

through acceptance and respect

Paul Sills Barrister & Mediator More Light Less Heat

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”

- Jiddu Krishnamurti

“You cannot solve a problem from the same level of thinking that created it.”

- Albert Einstein

“Strength lies in differences, not in similarities.”

- Stephen Covey

Introduction

• Diversity is a paradox

• It does not exist but its existence is essential to our growth

• Diversity makes it difficult for us to collaborate

• Mere tolerance cannot be the benchmark for human interaction

• Acceptance means true understanding of our individual differences and the benefits of those differences

Unity behind all diversity

• Diversity does not exist at the level of our essence

• Spirituality

• Quantum physics

• Hierarchy of needs

• Unity in diversity = “unity without uniformity and diversity without fragmentation”

Where does our diversity of expression come from?

• Knowing-doing gap • Paradigms and habits • Conditioning • Jesuits • Western thinking • Our reaction to being confronted with diversity is

subjective, emotive and ego-based

What happens when we judge people?

• Demonisation

• Tribalism

• Dehumanisation

• Moralism

• Call to battle

What makes us appear different is difficult to challenge

• Political correctness • Cannot challenge subjective views, values or identity

issues head on • What creates disputes? • Emotional responses are unconscious, unthinking and

conditioned • Disputes are about human relations and human

interaction

Celebration of diversity

• Diverse experience – unique experiences and perceptions • Learning and growth – being exposed to new ideas, cultures and

perspectives can help individuals to reach out intellectually • Stimulation of local economic growth • Culturally vibrant communities • Improving access to jobs • Humanism • Creativity • Innovation and adaptation • John Stuart Mill

Current dispute resolution practice

• What is the current paradigm for dispute resolution?

• The adversarial model applied to mediation

• Issues with the traditional mediation approach

• Lawyers have hijacked the mediation process

Argument as war metaphor • What do you really win when you win an argument? • Argument as war metaphor • The metaphor has a deforming effect on our arguments • Elevating tactics over substance • Magnifying differences – making it us versus them • The only foreseeable outcome being victory or defeat The model prevents the participants actively discussing, deliberating, negotiating, collaborating or compromising.

Why the traditional model does not work

• Mediating legal and interest – based disputes has an inherent logic • The parties know or can determine what they want (their interest) • They are keen to see what can be worked out with the other parties • Despite the huffing, puffing and bluffing the parties can work out

whether there is a ZOPA • The mediator can count on the parties and advisors to clarify

interests and explore mutually beneficial trades • Can this same logic apply to disputes involving values, beliefs and

identities?

Traditional Resolution Model

1 = Points the parties would agree on – but not explored. 2 = In the traditional litigation/mediation model the points of

disagreement become the focus of the parties and their advisors. This dictates a negative relationship.

2 1 1

Some thoughts on negotiating with diversity

• Change how we listen – from autobiographical to empathetic

• Change how we think and move away from the western model

• Change the way we argue and zoom out

Conscious Resolution Model

1 = Points of agreement and discussion – the focus of the resolution

process. 2 = The points of disagreement are examined in a non-judgmental,

empathetic, non-autobiographical way once the ground in #1 is established.

2 2 1

A strategy for mediating disputes involving diversity

• Focus on the culture or the individual? • Reduce stress and take your time • Avoid stereotypes • Observe do not judge • Remember that differences can create value • Adopt an outsider lens

Process for dealing with diversity

• Negotiation through acceptance and respect • Separate interests from values • Deal with the interests first • Facilitate dialogue and build relationships without

promising to resolve anything • Appeal to over-arching, shared values • Confront core value differences directly

A utilitarian solution • Choose the solution that maximises happiness and

reduces the suffering in society at large • Question your moral instincts • Avoid appeals to rights and duties • Focus on the facts • Beware of biased fairness • Use a common currency • Make small sacrifices

Final word “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.”

- Rumi - 13th century

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

- Wayne Dyer