MAKING YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE (OR RELATIONSHIP) BETTER THAN THE FIRST

Some folk leave their marriage or long-term

relationship with elegance and grace. Some of us

have catastrophic break ups that leave us cowering

under the covers for months, if not years.

When we move on to a new relationship, we

bring with us a truck load of heavy

baggage. And as our new relationship turns into

something long-term, the doubts begin to creep in.

“I’ve fucked this up once, I’m going to do it again.”

“My track record with love is abysmal. I’m crazy to

think this will ever work.”

My marriage was brutal and messy. Our

breakup was volatile and damaging. The

experience left me broken, wounded and doubting

everything I thought I believed in.

But in spite of that, here I am coming up on six

years in my second significant relationship. Here

are some of the things I have learned about how to

navigate the terrain between a disastrous

relationship and a delightful one.

THE PAST ISN’T A BLUEPRINT FOR THE FUTURE

Even though you have had terrible experiences in

the past, there is no reason to expect the same thing

in the future. Our destiny isn’t written in the stars

— and if it was, it would be handwritten with

twinkling points of pleasure and joy.

Teach yourself to live in the moment,

appreciating what you have right now without

worrying about an eventual disaster which will

probably never arrive. When panic arrives at

3am, whisper to yourself, “My past has no

influence on my current or future life. It is finished

and complete. I let it go.”

FORGIVE EVERYONE

Forgive your ex-partner for being a dick. Forgive

your friends for taking his side. Forgive your

mother for saying, “I told you so.”

Most of all, forgive yourself. You did the best you

could at the time, even though you might do things

differently now. Failing at a relationship doesn’t

mean you’re bad, or flawed, or unlovable, it just

means there came a time when you changed

your mind about what you wanted.

BE THE LOVE YOU NEVER RECEIVED

Call to mind all the ways you felt unloved and

invisible in your previous relationship and use that

data to behave different with your new lover.

If your ex-husband never listened to you, make an

effort to be a great listener. If your ex-husband gave

you the silent treatment, try to say how you are

feeling when you feel hurt or upset. If you ex-

partner never touched you, be warm and

affectionate. Give out the kind of love you’ve

always wanted to experience.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

One thing terrible relationships show us is how

painful and cruel our circumstances can be. If you

have to compare your past to your present,

search for the differences rather than the

similarities.

Be thankful for all the small things your new lover

does for you – texting, putting out the bins, picking

you up from work, kissing you goodbye. Never let

small acts of love go unnoticed, or taken for

granted. Say thank you to your lover and to the

Universe for the good things in your life.

USE A LIGHT TOUCH

Now you’ve got the most important, “till death us

do part” relationship over and done with, you can

relax. You’re allowed to have any kind of

relationship you want now – it’s totally up to you.

Be light and playful with love — quick to give it

away and slow to expect everything in return. You

are no longer defined by the title of wife, so enjoy

the freedom.

Even if you decide to marry again, there is no

need to struggle under the weight of

expectations. The stakes have been lowered.

If it doesn’t work out, it’s not that big a deal.

You’ve survived once, you’ll do it again. Enjoy

being part of couple but don’t make it the entire

focus of your life. The paradox is, the more you let

go of control, the better your relationship will be.

≡

Second-time relationships don’t have to be repeats

of the first time around. You’re older, wiser, more

battle-worn, and less likely to put up with

bullshit. All that experience has made you an

expert on what you want and what you don’t

want. Put that expertise to good use and make this

relationship or your next relationship the best one

you’ve ever had.

HAVE YOU MOVED ON FROM YOUR FIRST “TILL DEATH US DO PART” RELATIONSHIP? WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE?

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ABOUT KATIE PAUL

Embracing my midlife sexy

while figuring out modern

love & relationships +

devoted to all things

beautiful.