Spandane – The Last Lecture Section II – My Letters

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Hi Kirti

How are you? I am sure that you will be surprised to receive such a long letter. But just

keep patience and read the letter peacefully.

Our acquaintance is now just few days old. We met you for the first time on 24-05-2007.

Deven narrated your family background and about your personality, qualities etc. on

21-05-2007. We immediately accorded our approval to his choice without even meeting

you as we were confident about his choice. There after we met your parents on 27-05-2007

without wasting further time. Till date we have almost finished the shopping and other

necessary arrangements for your marriage with my son.

In cricket terminology it can be said that first 15 Overs have been bowled. According to

your famous dialogue, Trailer is now almost over and the main movie is about to start.

Now time will tell as to whether the main movie was as interesting as trailer?

Hence at this point I have decided to share few of my views, thoughts etc. for your

perusal.

At the outset we formally welcome you & ‘Kush’ to our family and hope that your entry

will further strengthen our family ties. You had the advantage of knowing me a bit

through my book ‘Spandane’ before we formally met on 24-05-2007. It is quite likely that

you might not have expected our fast response. You will appreciate that although you had

friendship with Deepak for few years, you were unable to take decision after he proposed

you. After meeting you, our confidence in Deven’s choice was automatically confirmed.

We definitely liked your personality, manners, outlook towards LIFE, your decision

making power etc. We always like people who overcome their difficulties and face the life

realities with a smiling face.

So far so good. Now our informal relationship will be formalized on your marriage with

my son on 22-06-2007. New name will be assigned to our relationship namely daughter- in-

law and father- in- law/ mother-in-law.

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Kindly let me know as to how I should call you? Shall I call you as ‘Kirti’ or ‘Sunbai’

Choice is yours? Let me share one secret that we have already accepted you as our

daughter and you will get the same love and blessing which we offered to our son and

daughter.

I am confident that your relationship with me and my wife will be fine and I don’t see any

difficulty. But one never knows. ??? After all Conflict is a part of LIFE and every one

should gear up to face the same. Well Kirti, do not get frightened with this remark. This

letter itself is the outcome of my deep thinking habit about human mind.

You will appreciate that during our initial meetings, I talked quite frankly about myself,

my wife and my son. The main purpose behind doing this was to make you tension free.

I was of the opinion that our family inputs will help you to quickly gain ground after your

entry in our family. I have the experience of counseling number of patients about their

behaviour with their daughter-in-law. However there is always the difference between net

practice and playing a formal game.

Now let me touch upon Conflict Management. I have already said earlier that conflict is

part of our LIFE. We may not be fortunate to avoid all conflicts but we can certainly try to

manage them well in time. Understanding reasons of conflict & acceptance of conflict etc.

are most essential for its management.

We must first understand the main reasons for conflict.

i) Unmet needs and wants.

ii) Values. Our values drive our behavior. Our values may differ about time, work,

health, relationship, spending habits etc.

iii) Perceptions. There are always three sides to any matter/ problem.

iv) Knowledge. The information or knowledge given or not given may cause

conflict.

v) Assumptions. We make assumptions on what we know. Conflict may take place

when assumptions are not checked for accuracy or are not updated periodically.

vi) Expectations. Conflict may occur when we do not know each other’s

expectations. Expectations should be made known in clear terms to each other.

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vii) Growing up differently. Each generation views life and work differently.

viii) Willing ness and ability to deal with conflicts.

ix) Three personalities are hidden in every individual, namely Parent, Adult and

Child. These personalities keep changing from time to time and from situation

to situation. When two persons happen to be in similar personalities say adult

while dealing then the chances of conflict are remote.

Now let me share with you some of our perceptions, views about life.

i) You may not get what you want in life but you can certainly love what you get

in life.

ii) We do not carry any complex either inferior or superior.

iii) You should ‘mean’ what you say but you may not ‘say’ what you mean unless

called for.

iv) We believe in individuality.

v) We honour every person’s ideas and skills.

vi) We always try to do what is right.

vii) We constantly exchange information and knowledge and keep optimum

amount of transparency in our dealings.

viii) We constantly look for every opportunity to learn.

ix) I look at every thing first from brain and subsequently from heart.

x) We consider saving as first charge on income.

xi) We don’t ignore signals. (Take macro meaning)

xii) Happiness lies in MIND.

xiii) We constantly practice that our mind should rule our body and intelligence

should rule our mind.

xiv) We try to break outdated barriers in life.

xv) We exercise control over ‘Hurry’ ‘Worry’ and ‘Curry’

xvi) We take pride in doing household chores.

xvii) We try to do Right thing at a Right time and in Right proportion.

xviii) We do retrospection at periodic intervals.

xix) We try to balance cost and benefits in every matter.

xx) We believe that we owe some obligations to society. We have already given

donation of Rs.5000/- after the said marriage was fixed.

xxi) We either don’t carry EGO or we try to keep the EGO under control.

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xxii) We always do PLANNING before taking any action, decision etc. (Take macro

meaning)

Well Kirti, I have tried to outline few of the views for your ready reference and I am sure

that you will try and recapitulate them in your dealing with us. No doubt that you could

have gathered this information over a long period of time. But I earnestly felt that it is

always better to take lead in expressing oneself when such an important relationship is

about to commence.

I have made few observations about your perspective and definitely would like to give my

suggestions on few issues whenever we meet in person.

Before I close the letter let me make one more request. When ever you happen to

disagree with us, please feel free to discuss the issue directly and politely with us

without any reservation and without involving third party. You have already started

calling us ‘BABA’ and ‘Aai’ hence you must also try and consider our advice in the same

capacity.

We are sure that your marriage with our son will be highly successful. Our blessing and

support will be always with both of you.

We take this opportunity to wish a grand success in life. We also wish best of luck in all

your future endeavors. We also wish that Deven-Kirti marriage will be as successful as

ours and would set an example in the society.

I am sure that you will take this letter /advice in right perspective & in true spirit. Good

Bye. With Lots of Love & Blessing.

BABA & Aai.

05-06-2007/08.50 AM

PS: Please delete the letter after reading it peacefully. Do not download & do not

forward to any one. I will be highly grateful if you confirm that you have read the

letter.

Note: This letter was written to would be daughter-in-law before marriage to appraise

her about our family and its philosophy. Marriage took place on 20-06-2007.