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Things To Consider Before Having The Engagement Talk With Him

It makes perfect sense to me the immense pressure many people feel to be engaged or to be married when they are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Our society is pumped full of messages that tell us when you find “the one,” you just know and there SHOULD be a proposal within 1-2 years. Movies, television, music, magazines, and even social media propagates how great it is to be married and how soon it should happen and how simple it is; just love each other. To add insult to injury, it may seem as though you cannot log onto any social networking site without seeing a newly engaged status, or wedding pictures. Understandably then, when you are in love and you’ve been dating someone for 12+ months (maybe even shorter), you may find yourself anxiously waiting for a proposal. So, what do you do?

First, I would suggest you reflect on a few things:

Explore within yourself why you feel it’s time to make the next step and become engaged – is it pressure from family or friends? Pressure from your social environment? Are you following a timeline you constructed years ago?

What does being engaged mean to you? – How does being engaged look differently than being in a committed, monogamous relationship? How does/will a proposal change your relationship?

How do you know you are ready to be engaged?– How and when did you reach the decision you were ready for the next step in your relationship? How did you know when you were not ready to be engaged?

Once you’ve given these ideas some thought and you know why you want to be engaged and what it means to you and how it will change your relationship, you are more ready to have a conversation with your partner. You may fear talking to your partner because you don’t want to risk coming off as nagging or desperate. However, when you know what you want and why, and you are able to express it in a direct, respectful, open, and honest way, it decreases your chances of being perceived as clingy or controlling. Here are some tips:

Avoid “shoulds” – If you want to talk to your partner about your expectations for engagement, “should” does not belong in the conversation. “Shoulds” are subjective, guilt-producing statements that are ideas not facts. For example, “We’ve been dating for two years; we should be engaged by now!” “If you love me, you should propose.” When you use “shoulds” you may be perceived as angry and resentful. You back you partner into a corner through guilt.

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Avoid comparison– Logically it may make sense for you to highlight examples of friends or family members who have gotten engaged or married and iterate that they started dating when (or maybe after) you and your partner started dating. Although you may feel justified in doing this because it makes you feel validated, it is not very effective. No one wants to be compared to someone else, nor do they want their relationship to be compared. Every relationship is different and proceeds at its own pace. It is self-defeating to try and compare yourself to others; it will only leave you feeling disappointed.

Be open and honest – Explain to your partner why you want to be engaged and what it means to you. Talk about your feelings. You set the pace for the discussion. If you are aggressive in broaching the topic, likely your partner will become defensive. It is always okay to respectfully say how you feel, even if it does not match how your partner feels.

Be prepared for the answer you do not want – Once you have a respectful and open conversation about when and why you want to be engaged, your partner still may not be ready. Your partner may need more time, more financial security, more maturity, etc. If you ask your partner to respect you and your feelings when you discuss wanting to be engaged, it is only fair that you respect your partner and his/her feelings if he/she does not want to be engaged at this time. Although it is very hard to hear that someone is not ready to be engaged when you are ready, explore the reasons why your partner feels the way he/she does. Listen to your partner’s feelings; ask questions. If your questions come from a place of curiosity and wanting to understand, your partner is more apt to open up, feel safe, and engage in these kinds of conversations more often.

The infamous ultimatum

Whether or not you exercise the above tips, if you’re still not engaged or you are not sure when (or if) it will happen, you may resort to an ultimatum. My advice: tread with extreme caution. Ultimatums send very clear messages: do __X___, or __Y___ will happen. In most cases, ultimatums are not regarded as endearing, loving, understanding, or respectful. Ultimatums produce a lose-lose situation and often become self-fulfilling prophecies. You want to get married to your partner but you don’t think a proposal will ever come, so you give an ultimatum, your partner feels pressured, controlled, uncomfortable, your partner cannot uphold his/her end of the dealàthus, you’ve solidified a proposal will never come. I will venture to say that most people want a proposal that comes from a place of unconditional love, commitment, loyalty, dedication, and understanding. It’s hard to get a proposal that comes from that place when an ultimatum is the exact opposite of unconditional love, commitment, loyalty, dedication and understanding. Ultimatums are conditional; ‘If you want me, you must do this.’

If you are feeling that the only way you can stay in a relationship is by taking the next step, by all means let your partner know this. Again, respectfully tell you partner how it makes you feel to not be engaged and what it would mean to you to be engaged.

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Actively listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings about why a proposal has not happened. If you do not feel that his/her thoughts/feelings about a future proposal are fair, or reasonable, it may be time to evaluate whether the relationship should continue.

Therapy is always a safe place to talk about these intense and emotional topics. Therapy may be beneficial in helping you and your partner build and refine skills to effectively communicate thoughts and feelings about your relationship. A therapist cannot decide for you whether or not a relationship should progress, however, a therapist may be able to help you learn new skills or tools to make that decision.

About the author

Tara Gogolinski, MS, LGMFT is a Licensed Graduate Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Life & Love: Couple and Family Therapy, LLC. She provides therapy for individuals, couples, families and children in Crofton, Maryland. Tara is trained as a therapeutic grief mentor, is certified in providing Play Therapy techniques with children and families, and is also a certified facilitator of the Prepare Enrich program for couples.

To know more about Tara visit her website, www.lifeandlovecft.com.

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