It's Not Fair SyndromeIt's Not Fair SyndromeYou You

Can't Can't Always Always

Get Get What What You You

WantWant

No one ever said life was fairLife may not always seem Life may not always seem fair, but we can learn to roll fair, but we can learn to roll with the punches and make with the punches and make new choices along the way.new choices along the way.

This presentation is based on the writings of Anne Mattos-Leedom , publisher of  

www.parentingbookmark.com , a national parenting website for raising caring kids. Anne is also the Founder of www.netconnectpublicity.com, a premier online placement agency for experts and authors. She lives in Northern California 

with her two teenage daughters.

Stop ComparingWe choose for ourselves We choose for ourselves

what seems fair by what seems fair by comparing our lives and comparing our lives and

circumstances to those of circumstances to those of others around us. Resolve others around us. Resolve to evaluate your life based to evaluate your life based only on what you want for only on what you want for yourself and not based on yourself and not based on what others seem to have. what others seem to have. There is a divine plan for There is a divine plan for

each of us. Having faith in each of us. Having faith in that plan will create a sense that plan will create a sense

of fairness regardless of of fairness regardless of your circumstances.your circumstances.

Take Charge of Your BeliefsWe are often conditioned from a We are often conditioned from a

young age to expect certain young age to expect certain things in life as we grow up. things in life as we grow up.

However, as an adult we need to However, as an adult we need to let go of beliefs and let go of beliefs and

expectations that are not expectations that are not working for us. Create a life built working for us. Create a life built

around beliefs that are around beliefs that are consistent with what you have consistent with what you have

and what you can achieve and what you can achieve realistically, and not on what realistically, and not on what

you you thought thought you would have or you would have or what you feel you are entitled what you feel you are entitled

to.to.

Grieve and Move onSometimes life does hand us a bad deal.

Divorce, financial stress, loss, health issues and other

circumstances that are out of our control can be truly devastating and leave us

feeling that life is truly not fair. However, life will be less of a struggle when you

accept that no matter how well you take care of yourself, nurture your

relationships and protect your children, bad things do happen to smart and

careful people. Staying stuck in that pain keeps us in the place of ‘life isn’t fair’. It is only in coming to terms with our grief and realizing that everyone suffers at one time

or another that we can move on.

Relinquish Resentment and Set New GoalsOften we work very hard to achieve Often we work very hard to achieve

something that just doesn’t work out and something that just doesn’t work out and we are disappointed, or even devastated. we are disappointed, or even devastated.

It feels like life will fall apart. Adding It feels like life will fall apart. Adding injury to insult, if we see someone else injury to insult, if we see someone else

succeed at what we hoped for—succeed at what we hoped for—especially if that person does not seem especially if that person does not seem as dedicated or hardworking—it is only as dedicated or hardworking—it is only

human to feel resentful. However, human to feel resentful. However, holding on to that frustration can keep holding on to that frustration can keep you from moving forward. If whatever you from moving forward. If whatever

you are working on is not working, take a you are working on is not working, take a step back, re-assess and set a new goal step back, re-assess and set a new goal that has a better chance of success. Use that has a better chance of success. Use

other people’s success as motivation and other people’s success as motivation and model to do better yourself. It doesn’t model to do better yourself. It doesn’t

matter if it smatter if it should hould have worked. If it isn’t have worked. If it isn’t working, move on.working, move on.

Redefine the Concept of Fair

Often we look to a divine power to be Often we look to a divine power to be completely and totally responsible for completely and totally responsible for

our lives. We say, it isn’t fair that I our lives. We say, it isn’t fair that I didn’t get that job or my marriage didn’t get that job or my marriage

didn’t work out, etc. because of how didn’t work out, etc. because of how we believe that the universe and/or we believe that the universe and/or God should care for us blindly. Our God should care for us blindly. Our

lives are a team effort with the divine. lives are a team effort with the divine. Our part is to do the best we can and Our part is to do the best we can and then to see past the moment into the then to see past the moment into the

bigger picture and knowing that bigger picture and knowing that ultimately what happens if part of that ultimately what happens if part of that plan. Often things are much fairer then plan. Often things are much fairer then we realize at the time. That is where we realize at the time. That is where

faith comes in.faith comes in.

Give Up on Control

There are so many chaotic events in the world and in our lives, and in an attempt to cope we often cultivate a need to control as many things as we can. However, this can be a delicate balance. The sense of ‘it’s not fair’

often comes from the need to control things in our life that in spite of our best efforts we simply do not have ultimate control over. Develop a

healthy balance between giving things your best effort and then

understanding ultimately it is out of your control. Put your efforts into the process but learn to let go of the need

to control the outcome.

Build a ‘Fairness Support Circle’Whatever issues are troubling Whatever issues are troubling

you, there are most likely you, there are most likely issues many others are also issues many others are also

struggling with as well. Don’t struggling with as well. Don’t isolate yourself, which can isolate yourself, which can

lead to a crippling sense of life lead to a crippling sense of life being unfair. When you share being unfair. When you share your pain and circumstances your pain and circumstances

with others and realize you are with others and realize you are not alone, you can turn the not alone, you can turn the sense of “it isn’t fair” into sense of “it isn’t fair” into

compassion and eventually, compassion and eventually, action to let go.action to let go.

Reflect on the TruthReflect on the TruthWith a few possible

exceptions, many of the difficult things that happen to us in life that are the direct

result of choices we made. In many cases our circumstances

may be due to a choice to avoid doing something we

needed to do. Take a hard look at your circumstances that

seem so unfair and ask yourself the hard questions

about what you did do or not do that might have increased the chances of this happening

to you.

Get Help When Needed

Sometimes life’s challenges can be debilitating. Getting

caught up in the “its not fair” syndrome is also a way to

avoid dealing with real pain. Getting professional help at this point may be the only way you can look at the real issues that may be plaguing you and to get

the tools you need to move forward past your current pain

into a place of hope and possibility once again.

Accept that Life isn’t Fair

Sometimes the best way to get past the life “isn’t fair” syndrome is to accept that life is indeed unfair in many cases. We will see others

succeed that don’t seem to deserve it. It is only in truly accepting that we

don’t know the whole picture—or why things happen as they do--that we

can move on. It is not for any of us to say why things happen as they do. Let go of the idea you have total

control and you might find that the only time fairness enters your world is when it relates to how you treat

others. Life may not be fair, but you can be fair—and be the best human

being you can be.

An Oscar Wilde quote:An Oscar Wilde quote:

“Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing

for most of us that it is not.”

Music piece :- DROR YIKRA from the album Siddharta-Spirit of

Buddha Bar Disc2.