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“Being jealous reminds me of how much I love him”: Managing Jealousy

Even though I have a strict policy about mobile phone usage during class time, every

now and then, I will “catch” my students surfing the internet or texting their while in

class. When I discover the infraction, I kindly remind the class (while making eye

contact with the distracted student) that there is no mobile phone usage during class

time.

More often than not, students will put their phone in their pocket or bag and resume

paying attention. Sometimes though, there are a handful of students who are unable to

detach themselves from their phone and will attempt to “sneek” text with their phone in

their lap….as if I don’t know or won’t see what they are doing.

One time, I asked a student to remain after class after being asked 3x to put her mobile

phone away. When I asked her what was so important that kept her from focusing in on

what was discussed in class, she said that her boyfriend (who lived in another state) did

not like the fact that she had to work on a class project with two other male students.

She commented that her partner was really nervous about whether or not anything was

going on and how he could not understand why she couldn’t at least text him during

class time to let him know that she was “okay.” When I asked her if she liked having a

jealous boyfriend, she smiled and said that she didn’t mind because she doesn’t like it

when he is not available to her because she believes that he might be with his ex. She

further commented, “Being jealous reminds me how much I love him.”

Jealousy can be a significant challenge for couples in relationships because it creates a

high level of anxiety and ambivalence. Usually when one or both parties are jealous of

one another, there may have been some unmet expectation in a previous or in their

current relationship that enables uncertainty if something negative will happen.

People become jealous when they are unable to feel secure about themselves or their

position in their relationships. For some, being suspicious about your partner may have

emerged from an inability to develop and maintain trusting relationships with him/her,

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family members, or co-workers. Others become jealous because they compare

themselves to others and feel inadequate about who they are or what they do.

For those who are insecure about the position they have in their relationships, they may

be unable to effectively negotiate what they want from their partners and remain wary

about other relationships developed or maintained by his/her partner.

So for example, if you become jealous about the time your friend spends with his other

friends and refuses to commit to being in a relationship with you, then it seems likely

that you may need to spend time talking and communicating your expectations and

boundaries (e.g., emotional and social constraints) for being in a healthy friendship or

relationship.

Can being jealous be healthy? Sure. As long as it does not prevent you from paying

attention in class (e.g., my student), being a good parent to your children (e.g., feeling

consumed by what your ex is doing rather than being focused on your kids), doing your

job effectively (e.g., feeling distracted or anxious because you are worried about your ex

not texting/calling you back), or skews your interaction with your partner (e.g., feeling

like you have to “police” his/her actions because you don’t trust them or the people

he/she spends time with).

Remember that healthy relationships are those relationships where partners can predict

each other’s behavior and are secure that behavior will fall in-line with explicit and

implicit expectations. Secure relationships entail couples “being there” for one another

emotionally, intimately, and spiritually.

When jealousy is unhealthy here are a few tips to help reduce your stress:

1. Talk honestly with your partner about your feelings and accept that you cannot

control his/her actions.

2. Spend time with family or friends who can help distract you.

3. Re-discover a hobby or develop an interest that might be fun.

4. Exercise and try to expend some energy.

5. Meditate, pray, listen to music, or engage with art.

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6. Talk with a professional about whether your jealousy is about your partner not

meeting your expectation or if you have not resolved past hurts/emotional trauma.

About the author

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human

Services Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor and

marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is one of

the nation’s best sexuality therapists and educators. His website is

www.drjameswadley.com and you can follow him on twitter @phdjamesw.

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