raising children with judgment and compassion:

drawing lines

sara shapiro-plevan religion in an age of extremism shalom hartman institute september 11, 2016

please take 3 post-its and jot down your top 3 core values

(one on each post-it)

When you’ve finished with them, stick them randomly up on the wall

Rabbi Abba said in the name of Shmuel, For three years, the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai argued. One said, 'The halakha is like us,' and the other said, 'The halakha is like us.' A heavenly voice spoke: "These and these are the words of the living God, and the halakha is like the House of Hillel." A question was raised: Since the heavenly voice declared: "Both these and those are the words of the Living God," why was the halakha established to follow the opinion of Hillel? It is because the students of Hillel were kind and gracious. They taught their own ideas as well as the ideas from the students of Shammai. Not only for this reason, but they went so far as to teach Shammai's opinions first. BT Eruvin 13b

אלו ואלו דברי אלקים חיים These and those are the words of the living God

what is appreciative inquiry?

ap-pre’ci-ate, v., 1. valuing; the act of recognizing the best in people or the world around us; affirming past and present strengths, successes, and potentials; to perceive those things that give life (health, vitality, excellence) to living systems 2. to increase in value

in-quire’, v., 1. the act of exploration and discovery. 2. To ask questions; to be open to seeing new potentials and possibilities.

from A Positive Revolution in Change: Appreciative Inquiry by David L. Cooperrider and Diana Whitney.

“ Appreciative inquiry focuses us on the positive aspects of our lives and leverages

them to correct the negative. It’s the opposite of ‘problem-solving.’

White, T.H. Working in Interesting Times: Employee morale and business success in the information age, 1996.

“…the ability to understand, hold, and

grapple with multiple, even contradictory interpretations and perspectives.”

cognitive pluralism from R. Wasserfall & S. Shevitz, 2009

+/-

everyone is a parenting expert

everyone is an expert on education

perspective taking

rooted in theory of mind

judgment or compassion? דין רחמים

judgment and compassion? דין רחמים

When it came time to create the world, God said, “If I create the world only with the attribute of compassion, there will be an excess of wrongful acts: no one will be afraid of punishment. But if I create the world with only din, how could the world endure. So I will create it with justice and compassion, and halevi, it will endure.” Bereishit Rabbah 12:15

when do I judge? when am I compassionate?

our lines

what are our “hot button issues”? why are these ours? when might we need to draw lines, and where? when might they be blurred, or erased?

frame the conversation with your values Bandura: the children are watching.

Did you notice…..? What do you think….? We are the kind of family/class/people who... In our family/class/school, we believe/think... In our family/class/school, we do not believe/think.... In our family/class/school, we think that it’s important that....

understanding & using our core values as a response

Suggestions: drawing your lines

Be honest about your feelings.

Describe your real fears, not someone else’s.

Acknowledge feelings, and root decision-making in facts.

Ask questions. Take a stand, get organized. What’s your issue?

Listen to others. Be in conversation.

Think about where your criticism comes from.

Embrace dialogue. Consider whether your criticism is valid.

Don’t probe for pain. Consider alternate perspectives.

Use respectful language.

שנה טובה ומתוקה! May the shofar awaken both

your judgment and your compassion

sara shapiro-plevan sara@rimonimconsulting.org www.rimonimconsulting.org

@shaplev