I’m not Crazy, It’s the Situation

Coping with A Missing Loved OnePresented by: Maureen Trask

For: 2016 Family Day

On: Sat. July 30, 2016

Presentation Outline

1. My Journey – with a Missing Son

2. The Learning – Ambiguous Loss

3. How to COPE with this Crazy Situation

2

3

Daniel Trask

Missing Nov. 3, 2011 Found May 24, 2015

My Search For Help

4

My search included seeking help from:• Police, Family and Friends• Other Families with Missing Loved Ones• Grief and Loss Experts, Physician, Counsellors• Support Groups and Peer Support Groups• Victim Services, Trauma Informed Initiative

What I learned:• No support services for families

with missing loved ones

Definitions

5

Harm or distress that comes from losing something or someone

The feeling of grief after losing something or someone

What is Ambiguous Loss?Dr. Pauline Boss, principal theorist of the concept of Ambiguous Loss

6

Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be. www.ambiguousloss.com

Ambiguous Loss is: Externally Caused Unclear, Uncertain Loss Senseless/Traumatic Loss Lacks “Closure” No Verification Freezes the Grief Process Like being “Stuck in Limbo” Paralyzes Individual and Family Relationships A Unique Individual Journey to “Find Meaning”Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145.

7

Types of Ambiguous Loss 1. Physically Absent- Psychologically Present

2. Psychologically Absent-

Physically Present Adoption Migration Missing people Miscarriage and stillborn loss Natural disaster and catastrophic tragedy

Addictions Dementia and Alzheimer’s Mental health issues Separation/Divorce Traumatic brain injury or coma

There is no verification of death. There is no certainty that the person will come back

8

Effects of Ambiguous Loss(This Crazy Situation)

Emotional rollercoaster and physical stress Changes families, relationships, roles and identity Can change spiritual beliefs or shatter values Can cause the most stressful kind of loss

Goals – Learn to: Live with the emotional tidal waves and adapt to

the changes that come with the loss Live with the ambiguity by developing meaning*

* Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press 9

Ours is a Different Type of Grief

No language No mourning rituals for good-bye A loss that lacks social

acknowledgement No “closure”, no certainty Denied the known means

of coping and grieving

10

Frozen Grief is Different

11

Uncertainty makes it difficult to grieve, you don’t know what you are grieving, your grief is frozen, like “living in limbo”.

Cope: Deal effectively with something difficult.

Effective coping involves oscillation between coping with loss and coping with stress.

COPE – Pessimistic Tending to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen

Change Crippled, Confused, Cheated, Cheezed Off, Complicated, Controlled, Closed, Critical, Cynical, Crazy, Chaos, Cold

OurObsessed, Overanxious, Overloaded, Outraged, Ornery, Oblivious, Odd, Off

PessimisticPanic, Pain, Pressure, Perturbed, Peeved, Perplexed, Puzzled, Pulverized, Played, Powerless, Punished

EmotionsEmpty, Embarrassed, Emotional, Erratic, Enraged, Exhausted, Extreme, Exposed

12

COPE - Optimistic Hopeful and confident about the future

13

Change Calm, Comfort, Cherish, Compassion, Constructive, Control, Creative, Continue, Caring, Centered, Cry

OurOpen minded, Okay, Objective, Organized,Observant,

PessimisticPeace, Passionate, Plans, Patient, Persuasive, Pleased, Powerful, Proactive, Productive, Promise, Propelled, Practical

EmotionsEmpowered, Effective, Elastic, Encouraged, Energized, Engaged, Empathetic, Examine, Enlightened

Ways to Cope Reach out to others Accept the uncertainty Care for yourself first Find balance in your life Think in a “both and” way Share your story, when you are ready Educate yourself, develop resiliency Maintain family relationships Continue to discover Hope

14

Triggers and Trauma “Having a missing loved one is the most painful

loss of all.” (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1999)

The *Trauma Timeline is an important aspect when assessing the implications of the loss

Triggers can affect the emotional ups and downs The goal for all of us is to remain unflappable in the

midst of ambiguity, though no easy task.Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

*Supporting those who are left behind, Australian Federal Police (Sarah Wayland), 200715

What Helped Me Connecting with other families with a missing loved one Learning about Ambiguous Loss Sharing my story Knowing I’m not Crazy, it’s the Situation!

16

Living and Learning on my Journey of Uncertainty“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely and an untrodden path for each of us who has to walk it.” * Accept and find meaning

in my uncertainty. Care for myself first.Learn to develop resilience.Continue to discover Hope.

17* Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

From me to each of you:

18