Effective Communication

Semira Rahemtulla February 11, 2016

Why am I doing this?

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Common

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponsesReality #3

The Net

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Everyone feels them; we just pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out

half the story.

Emotions indicate importance. Most

powerful motivator?

They are an early warning

system

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Disclosure & Vulnerability

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN

Feedback & Influence

Working AgreementsJohari Window

OPEN/PUBLIC

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

BLIND

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?

1. Personal development2. Team effectiveness3. To build stronger relationships

Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?

StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness

SCARF Model

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponsesReality #3

The Net

The Net (again)

Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…

• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…

• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. Ashvin, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Ashvin, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Ashvin, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

When you do [x]…

I feel [y == emotion] that / like

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality

– Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback

• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism

– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:

– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost

every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback

• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start

– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is…… / This matters to me because…When you do [x], I feel [y].

• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving

Exercise #5: Actual 1:1 Feedback

• 2 min to take notes/prepare:• Complimentary feedback• Constructive feedback• Areas where you want to receive feedback

• Person A goes first and delivers all of their feedback• Person B asks clarifying questions• Can have discussions where appropriate

• Then Person B goes and delivers all of their feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityFeedback Buddies

1ST Round

Aimee Leo

Ali Jared

Andrew Sana

Ashvin Mike

Charlie Elizabeth

Ilan Ragnar

Megan Samara

2nd Round

Aimee Elizabeth

Ali Mike

Andrew Megan

Ashvin Sana

Charlie Leo

Ilan Jared

Samara Ragnar

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

• Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area

• Communication & Management– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language choices,

communication style in front of others, transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions

• Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact

others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about? Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net