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Pay for your education: smoke and drinkPremier Wallsbudget meant to makerowdy teens pay forowneducation
Thursdays provincial budget has placed
the burden squarely on adolescents to start
paying for their post-secondary education
years in advance by raising taxes on both
tobacco and liquor products across the
province.
As it is well known, morally-
bankrupt teens party every weekend,
smoking cigarettes and drinking all man-
ner of alcohol, and the new tax on these
products will
I think the budget is pretty clearly saying
to teens, look, youre partying away the
money you should be saving for your edu-
cation, so the government is going to take
a little more of that and reinvest it in post-
secondary educationsaid University ofRegina President Vianne Timmons. And
its not just those hooligans in high
school; its the second, third, or fourth
year students that frequent the Owl every
day of the week. Hell, Keg-o-rama basi-
cally financed a new TA for the English
department by itself.
Premier Brad Wall said that the
increase in sin taxes is in typical Sask.
Party fashion innovative, forward think-
ing, and unquestionably right.
I mean, lets face facts, said
Premier Wall in the post-budget scrum,
Kids smoke and drink, or at least the cool
ones do. We just want to increase the tax
on those rowdy teens so that they will,
with every cigarette and every mickey, be
investing a little bit in their future. Our
only regret is we could find a way to shoe-
horn P3 funding into post-secondary edu-
cation, but maybe next year.
Students who will be affected by
the increase in the tax have for the most
part understood the government move.
For tenth grader Stephen Krum, the mes-
sage has never been clearer.
I really wasnt that interested in
smoking or drinking, but if I want to do
my part in balancing the provincial budget
and being able to keep universities operat-
ing, I have to take up smoking. And the
occasional Canadian is going to have to
get a lot more frequent.
I just really want to go to university in a
few years, and apparently this is the only
conceivable way that funding for them
might ever be possible.
Marvin Power/Metro News
Seen above is Premier Brad Wall fulfilling his necessitities for getting his own education.Enrico Falafel/Metro News
Legal Disclaimer:In case for whatever sad rea-son, its not ridiculously obvi-ous, depot is a work of satire.Anyone who wants to sue uscan advise our lawyer, John
Smith. Hes a work of satiretoo, by the way.
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Escalator stuck midwaythrough trip causes terrifying
situation54 passengers on board anescalator traveling from thefirst floor to the secondfloor of the Cornwall Centrefaced grueling circum-stances when their escala-tor stopped workingmidway through the trip.
Passengers were stuck for more
than 13 hours as the Cornwall
repair crew tried to fix the prob-
lem.
We dont really know
whats going on. This is the first
time something like this has
happened to us, and we apolo-
gize for the inconvenience and
time delay that this has caused
our customers, said Cornwall
executive director Wendy Troy.
The Cornwall Center
has two escalators transporting
passengers between both floors
of the mall. The center also has a
staircase that customers can
manually climb to reach the sec-
ond floor.
I usually take the
stairs, but today, I thought Iwould change my mode of trans-
portation, Laila Hood said.
Now Im stuck here, and Ive
missed my dentist appointment
and my sons soccer game. This
is really frustrating.
Beyond just missing
important appointments, passen-
gers also described the event as
truly horrific.
Its a simple journey
thats turned into such a cruel
and unusual punishment, Roger
Benny said.
Terry Wood agrees.
For the first time in
my life, I know what its like tobe in a hostage situation. Its
scary. You are just stuck waiting,
not knowing whats going to
happen, he said.
Cornwalls repair crew
was able to fix the problem an
overheated motor and passen-
gers were gifted with shopping
cards for their troubles.
by the numbers
2number of people startled annu-ally by unpredictable but scary es-
calatorsTubular Cateefa/Metro News
being stuck on an escalator can give people a sense of goingnowhere.
Stop your bitchingScantronEssay prototype toreplace sessional instructors
Backlash against cuts to the
English department about the
loss of many sessional and TA
instructors has caused the uni-
versity administration to reverse
its decision. Were pleased to
announce our new innovativeway of delivering supplementary
instruction in the form of a pub-
lic-private partnership with
Scantron, president Vianne
Timmons announced on
Monday.
Weve found Scantron
to be very effective in helping
with the marking of exams in
Business and Engineering, but I
thought, why do we have to
limit the efficiencies of Scantron
to those faculties? Provost Tom
Chase added.
Come fall, professors
teaching English 100 will be
aided by the new ScantronEssay
proto-type. It works in the same
way Scantrons multiple-choice
tests work, where a test is fed
through a machine and a score
determined by a computer.
However, some people
are stuck in the past and unwill-ing to embrace innovation.
Are you fucking kid-
ding me, department head
Nicholas Ruddick told Metro.
How the hell is a computer go-
ing to mark an essay?
Its literally just a pa-
per shredder, third-year student
William Wenaus added. You
put your essay in the machine,
and it comes out in shreds.
Shredding papers seemed like a clever solution to dealing withhaving to mark student work: Innovation!
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Watch out, John John ... TaylorSwift has her eye on you
MANY
WORDS
Puald [email protected]
Taylor Swift has totally
been eye-fuckin the shit
out of 20-year-old pro
surfer John John Florence,
according to some fucking
losers whose lives are so
pathetic they have to live
vicariously through the per-
sonal lives of celebrities.
Theyve totally
been, like, texting and
junk, a source says.
Apparently she texted him.
I dont think they have
hung out yet, but theyve
been talking. Talking.
Thats some newsworthy
shit right there. John John
doesnt want to ruin things,
so hes being careful not to
say too much.
Bad life choices and a Chia Pet . ALL PHOTOS GEDDY LEE IMAGES
Many Words
T
witter
@horse_ebooks
Ice Cream has become anAmerican
. . . . .
Just because
Lindsay Lohanis facing 90
days in rehab
doesnt mean
she cant keep
paddling that
pink canoe.
Statistically
speaking, most
people mastur-
bate, but our
sources were
shocked to find
Lohan mastur-
bating in pri-vate. How the
fuck did you
get into my
room? Im try-
ing to turn my
life around;
cant you stupid
fucks give me
some goddamn
privacy?, she
told E! News.
Rehab doesnt seem to be get-ting in the way of Lohans self-
love life
We take back what we said about T. Swift.
Yesterday, Vianne Timmons
was seen leaving the U of R
and driving home. This is
where I live. What the hell
do you want from me! she
said on Wednesday. Go
the fuck away, or Im call-
ing the cops, she added.
Her secretary told
Metro that she left for home
at 6 p.m. that evening.
Thats what time
she usually goes home,
she said.
Our source also told
us that Timmons drives a
car to the U of R. It has
four wheels. Also doors,
our source told us.
Vianne Timmons seen leaving U of R,going home
Vianne Timmons Tom chase and his sandwich are reunited after his latest
stint doing his job in the morning, and the couple report-edly celebrated by hitting up their favourite local dive bar,
Riddell Centre. They seemed really happy with each
other. Tom and Sandy were having so much fun together,
a source says. They sat in the back of Riddell in a booth
and were laughing. At one point, there were standing at a
table just being normal, as any person and his or her sand-
wich would be with each other. They were touchy-feely.
There were crumbs on his jacket. They were just being
cute.
Chase reunites with sandwich at lunch after
working in the morning
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Sidney Crosby to join CougarsIf you thought having athree-time Olympic goldmedalist, former professionalhockey player on a universityteam was unfair, think again.
It has recently been announced
that the Stanley Cup champion,
Olympic gold medalist, and Tim
Bits icon Sidney Crosby will
join the University of Regina
Cougars next season.
Crosby has had enough of
professional hockey, already ac-
complishing everything he
could, and since there is appar-
ently no age cap or any sort of
restrictions on professional play-
ers joining university teams, he
has chosen to suit up with the
Regina Cougars this fall.
If it is perfectly acceptablefor Hayley Wickenheiser to suit
up with the Calgary Dinos, then
there should be no problems at
all with Crosby joining the
Cougars. In fact, Crosby is
younger and has won fewer
Olympic medals, so really hes a
step down from Wickenheiser.
Now the Dinos will know
the anger that every other athlete
and school in the country felt
when the Dinos announced the
signing of a professional athlete
returning to amateur hockey to
compete against amateur ath-
letes, most of whom have never
even been to the Olympics,
much less competed in four of
them.
But since returning to ama-
teur level hockey after playing
professionally is apparently no
big deal, why wouldnt Crosby
join the Cougars where he can
dominate everyone else in the
league, be the leagues leading
scorer and lead his new team to
a CIS championship within his
first two years on the team.
If this idea seems out-
landish and incredibly unfair,
thats because it is.
Fall McApples/Metro News
Sidney Crosby is pictured here with his news team members