PROVERB PARODIES. Thank you Prof Alan Dundes & UCB Grad Students

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use birth control.

Be nice to your kids---they’ll choose your nursing home.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

"Heck" is where people go who don’t believe in "gosh."

Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away---and barefoot.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

PROVERB PARODIES. Thank you Prof Alan Dundes & UCB Grad Students

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Suburbia: Where they tear out all the trees and then name the streets after them.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"—till you can find a rock. 99 percent of la give the rest a bad name.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

On the other hand, "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Some of these modern aphorisms are in the form of bumper stickers:

Honk, if you love peace and quiet.

Keep honking, I’m re-loading.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Make love, not war—Hell, do both, get married.

A day without sunshine is—like, well, —night. (is like a day in Seattle)

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be "for here" or "to go"?