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MY SPRING ANGEL
*Note: âUmmaâ is Mother/mum in Korean. âDongsaengâ is little sister in Korean. âOppaâ is big brother in Korean.
I will never forget spring in all my life. Not only because it comes every year. Nor because it is my favoriteseason. Itâs not only because of those reasons. Itâs because it was spring that reminds me most of him. Anditâs the season when he and I first met and the season with my most unforgettable memories of him dwellsâŠ
It all started six years ago, when I was still 16 years old, when he first came into my life and already touchedmy heart...
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Spring 1999: Seeds of InfatuationâHyun Jin! Hurryâ Junghwa exclaimed from the doorway. Our house was a small bungalow that was built onwood so Junghwaâs voice was heard in the entire house.
âJust a minuteâ I told her as I looked at myself in the mirror. Not bad, I thought to myself. I wore a black jacket underneath a white cotton shirt and jeans. It matched my brown eyes and brown hair. âHyun Jin!â
âComing!â I shouted back, running towards Junghwa.
âAbout time. You said I had to come over at exactly 2 pm. And when I did, you let me wait for half an hour!â
âIâm sorry, okay? I really forgotâ I apologized.
âFine. Letâs go thenâ We walked out the door and got ready to ride our bikes.
âHyun Jin?â my mother called.
âOoops! I forgot to ask permission!â Junghwa slapped her forehead as I entered the house.
âUmma, Junghwa and I are going for a bike ride, okay?â I said when I got to the kitchen where my motherwas busy chopping vegetables.
âDonât stay out too lateâ she reminded.
âI wonâtâ I promised.
âOkay thenâ she approved.
âByeâ I kissed her on the cheek and went out of the house.
As we rode our bikes, the wind brushed against me, making me feel breezy. I closed my eyes and lifted myhands and spread it out, letting the wind pass through me.
âHyun Jin, watch out!â Junghwa suddenly warned. I opened my eyes, only to find a boy, about my age,walking towards me with his head down.
âMove!â I shouted in panic when we were only inches before colliding to each other. He didnât seem torealize I was talking to him so he didnât even look up. I pressed the brakes hard but it was too late. I wasgoing to crash into him. I closed my eyes.
But surprisingly, the bike stopped. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a pair of brown eyes in front of me. âDidI hit you? Are you alright?â I asked in concern.
âAlmostâ
âOhâ I replied, noticing his hand on my bike. He must really be strong to have stopped my bike in motion.
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âNext time, try to watch where youâre going, okay?â he said, flashing a smile. My jaw dropped open.Although it was my fault, he shouldnât lecture me like that because it was also his fault for not being attentive.
âNext time, try to be more conscientiousâ I shot back. He laughed at that and that made me look at himstrangely. Whatâs wrong with him? Then, he stopped laughing and looked at me in the eye.
âIâm serious. Watch where youâre going, alright? You might harm yourselfâ And with that, he walked away.
âWhat a peculiar guyâ Junghwa whispered, rolling her eyes.
âYouâve said itâ, I muttered. âAnyway, screw him. Letâs goâ, I told her.
âHyun Jin, race you to the parkâ, Junghwa challenged.
âFine with me. Last one will have to go through truth or consequenceâ, I accepted. â1, 2, 3, go!â I dashed asfast as I could with my bike, looking back at Junghwa who was trying hard to catch up with me. I snickered.She always ends up losing when we have races.
âWhatâs it going to be, Junghwa? Truth or consequence?â I shouted through the wind that brushing throughmy hair.
âYouâll see, Iâll definitely win this timeâ she informed.
âWeâll seeâ I put more energy in pedaling my bike to make me even faster. The speed made me feel like Iwas flying. But the feeling ended when my bike unexpectedly hit a small rock that was the size of a fist. Mybody was thrown out of my bike.
âAh!â I shrieked as I was about to hit the ground, face first. I knew I shouldâve worn my gears but I didnât thinkit was going to happen.
But once again, before I could hurt myself, I found myself staring at the same brown eyes earlier. âDidnât I just tell you to watch where youâre going?â he asked. He wasnât really mad. He was⊠laughing? He seemedlike he was. But I can see concern in his eyes. I wondered why.
âI didnât see that small rockâ I replied as I brushed his hand off my waist. He caught me and that was fine. Heshouldnât touch me any longer.
âYouâre a klutzâ I felt myself blush deep red. Iâve never been called that before. And the first time didnâtsound good either. I wasnât really this careless all the time. In fact, that was the first time that I found myselfacting like a ditz.
âI am not a klutz. Iâm just not myself today. And even if I am, you have no right to call me one because youyourself are a klutzâ I said stubbornly.
âOh, so Iâm the hero but because of your pride, I become a klutz too?â I felt myself blush even harder.
âWhat are you doing here anyway? You donât live here, do you? Iâve never seen you beforeâ I said, hopinghe wouldnât notice the change of topic.
âNo Iâm not. Iâm just here to keep you from getting hurtâ he said with a wink.
âI donât need youâ I responded, assuming it was a joke.
âRightâ he said with skepticism.
âWell, just donât forget to watch where youâre going. I might be here right now but I might not be here nexttimeâ he said, once again disappearing into the crowds of people enjoying the day.
I looked around for any signs of Junghwa but she was nowhere in sight. Where could she be? Oh my gosh!The race! I completely forgot about it! I began to pedal my bike as fast as I could. I just hoped Junghwa wasreally slow that day. But of course that was impossible because she was already waiting for me at our usual
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place in the park when I got there. âWhatâd I tell you, girl? I wonâ, she said, trying to sound casual but I couldsense her excitement building up inside.
âItâs not fair. I was distractedâ I complained.
âOh yeah?â she asked, arching an eyebrow up to say that she won fair and square and that I shouldnât beunsportsmanlike.
âYeah. You know that weird guy? Well, I ran into him again. And he became much more unusual than before.You shouldâve seen itâ
âGive it up, Hyun Jin. I won. So whatâll it be, truth or consequence?â
âFine. Iâll take truthâ I said with a sulk.
âOkay. Tell me why you broke up with~â I cut her off.
âDonât! Anything but that!â, I argued.
âBut itâs only fair, Hyun Jin. Unless you want to do a consequence?â Junghwa asked.
âFine. Give me a consequenceâ
âI want you to hug one guy here in the park. Just any of the guys hereâ Junghwa said with a smirk.
âWhat?!? That would make me look like a total fool!â I protested.
âOh yeah? What about the time when you asked me to roll over the ground? Or the time when you askedme to shout like a crazy old woman? Or the time~â
âAlright, alright. Sheesh. Itâs your first time to win anyway. Iâll give you some credit thenâ I finally agreed. Ilooked around and realized, there was no decent guy who I could actually hug. âHow about if you just pick aguyâ, I told her.
âOkay then. I pickâŠâ she looked around with a hand on her chin. âHim!â she finally decided, pointing to theguy with his back on us.
âAlrightâ I replied, walking towards him confidently. When we were only inches apart, I spread my arms into ahug and touched his body. The guy whom I hugged seemed surprised. He moved his elbow and accidentally,at least I think so, hit my chin.
âOw!â I yelled in pain. I let go of him and rubbed my chin. âWhat was that for?â I exclaimed. He turned to faceme.
âOh, itâs you. I thought I was being attacked by a crazy personâ he said, laughing.
âItâs not funny. Do you know how strong your hit was? It hurtsâ I complained.
âWhat were you doing anyway?â he asked. I blushed again.
âI was going to hug youâŠâ I admitted. âYou were?â, he said, laughing at the thought of it. âYes. It was astupid consequence for losing the bike race because of youâ I let him know so he would feel a bit guilty andhe wouldnât think of me strangely.
âIs it my fault you hit small stone and flew out of your bike?â he asked, throwing his head back as he laughed.
âWhateverâ I mumbled, walking away.
As I walked back to Junghwa, who was sitting where the shade of an old oak tree was, I saw her giving me athumbs-up sign. She mustâve really enjoyed the show Iâve put up. âYou did it. Iâm really impressedâ she said,when I got there and sat down beside her.
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âOf course. What do you think of me, a chicken?â I teased.
âYeahâ she teased back.
âVery funnyâ I said mockingly. We smiled at each other, knowing that it was all a joke.
Subsequently, we sat there in silence, looking around at the wonderful view the park was.
âHyun Jin?â Junghwa finally broke the silence.
âUm?â I asked as I watched the little children playing near the lake. They looked like they were reallyenjoying.
âWhy did you break up with him?â I sighed as I heard her question. I didnât want to talk about him. However,before I could say that, Junghwa continued talking. âI mean, I thought you two were so compatible with eachother. You even said you were happy with himâ
âJunghwa, I have something to tell youâ I finally said.
âWhat?â
âHe and I werenât really datingâ I confessed. âWhen I met him, I told myself, I found the perfect guy. Who
wouldnât think he was perfect? Heâs got brains, personality and looks. What more could I ask for? And helikes me. He kept saying that he loves me. At first it sounded so sweet. But as days pass by, it slowlybecomes a bit annoying. He and I arenât even together. He didnât even court me. And all of the sudden, hetells me we were a couple already? It felt wrong to meâ
âThatâs what happened to you before. Hyun Jin, why do you always dump the people who tell you they loveyou?â Junghwa asked. That question caught me off guard. But she was right. I did dump every guy who toldme those words. âYouâre afraid, arenât you?â
Maybe I was. All I know was that I wasnât ready for commitment.
âItâs getting late. Letâs go homeâ I said, standing up. Junghwa knew better that I wasnât in the mood to talkmore so she stood up too.
âHyun Jin? Are you feeling okay? You havenât touched your dinnerâ my mother said.
âHuh?â I said, snapping out of my thoughts. I canât stop thinking about what Junghwa said earlier. It wasdinner time and I didnât have any appetite.
âIs something bothering you?â I shook my head and smiled.
âNothingâ I started eating but after a few, I dropped my fork. âI donât feel hungry. May I be excused?â I asked.My mother nodded.
âIâm just going for a walkâ I told her the walked out of the house.
âYouâre afraid, arenât you?â Junghwaâs voice boomed in my mind. I wasnât afraid of love, am I? It was justbecause they werenât meant for me, which was why it didnât feel right. As I walked past our garage, my eyescaught sight of my bike.
âIâm here to keep you from getting hurtâ I remembered the guy a while ago say. And I found myself laughingat the thought of it. The guy was really odd. So odd that I found myself thinking of him. I wondered what hewas really up to. I headed to the park. And there, I saw a shadow near the lake. I walked towards him. And just as I began to recognize him to be the guy earlier, my foot accidentally stepped on a twig and it made aloud snap. The guy turned, just in time to see me.
âSo now youâre stalking me for calling you a klutz?â he joked.
âI didnât mean to. I was just walking when I saw a figure hereâ
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âI was kiddingâ he replied.
âI knew thatâ
He gestured me to sit beside him so I did. It was a bit dark because the lamps were far from the lake. Butthe stars in the sky made a dazzling reflection on the water. I have never seen anything more amazing.
âHave you ever seen the sun set?â he asked.
âNoâ
âYou should see it. Itâs better than the lakeâ he stated. Then silence followed.
âWhatâs your name?â I asked him, hoping to start a conversation.
âWhatâs yours?â
âHyun Jinâ I answered.
âIt fits you. Itâs a nice name for someone like youâ he complimented, facing me with a kind smile.
âThanksâ I returned.
âItâs nice here. You probably lived here all your life, I suppose?â
âYes I did. Are you new here? Where are you from? How long are you going to stay here?â I queried.
âAre you always a klutz?â he suddenly asked, overlooking my questions.
âNo, Iâm not. Anyway, itâs only fair that you answer my questionsâ I protested. He chuckled.
âIt doesnât matter where I came from. What matters is what Iâm here forâ
âAnd what are you here for?â
âI have a missionâ he remarked plainly.
âWhat mission?â I asked out of curiosity.
âYouâll seeâ he said with a smirk. Then he stood up. âGo home, Hyun Jin. Itâs already lateâ he uttered,starting to walk away.
âBut you havenât answered meâ I spoke as I stood up. However, he was too far to be able to hear it.
For the next days of spring, the odd, peculiar guy was present. And my klutziness continued on so he wasable to save me a lot of times. He managed to pull me out of the way of a moving bike, let me duck beforegetting hit by a Frisbee, catch me from falling off a ladder when I was retrieving a kidâs Frisbee that got stuckon a tree and a lot more accidents. Somehow, he was always there when there was trouble. And we talkeda lot during my night walks. It became regular since the first night I met him in the park. And I felt as if healready knew me better than anyone else. But those times ended as summer arrived. I suppose he was onlyhere for spring because he was gone as the feeling of summer was already present in the air. And once hewas gone, thatâs when I realized. I still didnât know anything about him. Not even his name. I did miss him alittle since we spent a lot of time during spring but I figured he was just a tourist so I didnât bother waiting forhim to be back. What a surprise I had the following spring, though.
End of chapter 1 ----
Spring 2000: Growing AffectionâUmma, Iâm leaving!â I informed. âDonât stay out too lateâ I muttered under my breath, expecting the wordsfrom my mother.âDonât stay out too lateâ my mother did say. That cracked me up as I walked out the door heading for
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Junghwaâs house.
Outside, you could really feel the spring season in the air. Flowers blooming all around and the sweetfragrance hanged in the air. I smiled to myself. Spring is really here, I thought to myself. It lifted my spirit. AsI continued walking, I felt something hit my foot. It caused me to trip and fall down to the ground. But before Icould, someone caught me. And the first person that went into my mind was him. And when I looked up tosee his face, I confirmed that it was him.
âHello, Hyun Jinâ, he said with a smile. And a surge of happiness rushed through me. Was I actually happyto see him?
âWas it necessary for you to actually move your feet out so that I would trip over it?â, I demanded. He helpedme up and gestured me to sit.
âI didnât do it intentionally. At least I found out youâre still the same klutz that you were beforeâ he retorted.
âIâm not a klutzâ
âRight. Youâre just a ditzâ he joked.
âYou never told me your nameâ
âHave you been through a lot of trouble lately?â he asked.
âNo, I have not. Iâ was actually doing fine until your foot came and almost tripped me overâ
âThatâs a good thingâ he said.
âWhatâs your name?â I asked again.
âYou know why I ask?â he said, laughing to himself.
âWhy?â I asked, a bit irritated that he wouldnât answer any of my questions.
âBecause I like youâ he said, smiling plainly.
âRightâ I said in disbelief.
âIs it hard to believe?â
I didnât answer.
The feeling of uneasiness swept over me. It always happens. Maybe Junghwa is right⊠Oh my gosh! Iforgot about Junghwa! I looked at my watch and gasped. I promised her Iâd be at her place twenty minutesago!
âI have to goâ I told him, standing up. âI was kiddingâ he said, assuming I was upset.
âOhâ I said, laughing at my foolishness. âBut I really have to goâ
âHello? Junghwa?â I spoke to through the mouthpiece. When I got to Junghwaâs place she wasnât there. Iwonder why. So I got into a pay phone and called her cell phone.
âAbout time for you to call. I already told you this was important. And you didnât even comeâ Junghwaanswered furiously.
âI did come. I was just lateâ
âWhy were you late? You knew I had a competition todayâ she said angrily.
âIâm sorry, Junghwa. Something came up. Remember that weird guy last spring? Heâs backâ I explained.
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âSo heâs more important to you than I am?â she almost shouted.
âIâm sorry, Junghwaâ I apologized again.
âI donât want to talk to you right now. I need to go. Goodbyeâ she said, cutting the line. I sighed. Now sheâsmad at me. I shouldnât have stayed and talked with the guy. I didnât even know his name. Iâm so stupid. I feelso mean.
âAre you alright? You look like a pitiful little girlâ
I sighed. I knew very well who it was that spoke.
âMy friendâs mad at me because of youâ I responded.
âWhy?â he asked.
âI missed her stupid competition. I know what you think. Itâs just a competition. I think so too. Why does sheneed me there anyway? Iâm sure she couldâve beaten everyone, with or without meâ I mumbled, trying tomake myself feel better.
âHow can you say that?â he questioned.
âBecause Iâm her best friend. I know what she can do. And I know that sheâs better than them because I sawwhat she can doâ
âThatâs it. You saw her do her stuff thatâs why she was giving it her best. Who wouldnât give their best if theirbest friends are watching them?â he pointed out.
âGreat. Now youâre making me feel worseâ I told him.
âI was actually trying to make you feel betterâ he chuckled.
âReally? Thatâs a funny way of making me feel better. I was just trying to tell myself itâs not a big dealâ
âBut it isâ he told me.
âYouâre right. Iâm absolutely the worst friend in the whole galaxyâ I sighed as I threw my head back and
looked at the sky.
âWould you answer one question for me?â I asked him after a moment of silence.
âWhat?â
âWhatâs your mission that you have to come here every spring?â
âMy mission is to cheer you up when youâre down. And to look after you so you wonât get hurtâ he replied. Iturned to him to see if he was just kidding or if he was really serious. But I couldnât see his face because hewas looking up at the sky too.
âOh yeah? Why me? And why spring?â I went on.
âHave you heard the story of the âSpring Angelsâ?â he asked, looking at me. I shook my head.
âTell meâ
âIt said that every spring, everyone gets to have an angel by their side. But they can only get one if theythemselves become an angel to another personâ
âSo youâre trying to be my angel so that you can get an angel for yourself?â I asked, keeping myself fromlaughing.
âYeahâ he said, laughing along with me.
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âThatâs a weird story. Does that mean you believe in angels?â I inquired.
âSomething like thatâ he said with a nod. I continued laughing until I was out of breath. After that, we just satsilently. An angel? He wants to be my angel? Thatâs the first time I heard something like that.
âI better go homeâ I finally said, moving my legs.
That night, I thought about what he said. An angel? It still cracks me up. What was he trying to say? Did hewant me to be his girlfriend or a friend? I really didnât get him. And as I thought of it, the sense of it beingwrong rushed over me. Like what happened before with the other guys I dumped. Him being my angel? Itdidnât feel right at all. Itâs wrong. That was when I decided. I was going to avoid him. He mustâve thought thathe was my angel because Iâve been spending too much time with him. So for the next few days, I avoidedhim. At least I tried to. But I couldnât seem to get rid of my klutziness. I was beginning to wonder why myklutziness only comes back during spring. Is it because I knew he was here? And because of that, he wasable to once again, come into my rescue.
âI donât need your help!â I would tell him. But still, he kept helping me. I was starting to get annoyed. âWouldyou stop it? I already told you! I donât need your help!â I finally burst out.
âCool down, Hyun Jin. Iâm helping you. Remember? Iâm here to keep you from getting hurtâ, he replied.
âStop calling my name. I donât even know your name. How do you expect me to accept help from astranger?!?â I grumbled.
âSo thatâs whatâs bothering you. That you donât know my nameâ
âNo. Itâs not only that. Itâs also the fact that youâre helping me all the time. Itâs annoying. At first itâs sweet butnow itâs getting to be really annoyingâ
âBut you keep getting into trouble. What do you want me to do but help you?â he answered coolly. Itannoyed me even more that he was still acting cool even though I felt like I was going to explode.
âJust leave me aloneâ I told him, leaving. He didnât try to catch me or even respond to what I just said. Andsomehow, a tiny part of me had gotten upset and disappointed.
When I got home, Junghwa was sitting on the front steps.
âJunghwa!â I exclaimed surprised to see her after what happened a week ago.
âIâve seen you these days. I see youâve met another guyâ she started.
âHeâs nobodyâ I went ahead and told her before she thinks that he was my boyfriend or something.
âReally? Is that why youâre pushing him away again?â Junghwa responded.
âI didnâtâ I lied.
âOh yeah? Whatâs with the âI donât need your helpâ line you tell him?â
âThat guy is really crazy. He said he wants to be my angel. What does that even mean? I donât even knowâ Iadmitted to her.
âThatâs why youâre upset? Youâre upset because he asked you if he can be your angel instead of being yourboyfriend?â Junghwa remarked.
âSo you arenât mad at me anymore?â I asked her back.
âIâm still mad at you because of what youâre doing with your lifeâ she retorted.
âI canât believe you chose that guy over me during the competition and then youâd dump him tooâ Junghwacontinued. I thought about that. She was right. I do like the guy. That explained the happiness that swept
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over me when I met him again. And also the comfort I feel when he was with me. And maybe I was upsetthat he didnât ask me to be his girlfriend. I looked down. Junghwa took that as a yes. She continuedspeaking. âI thought you wanted something different? I thought you said that you felt it wrong when mybrother told you that he loved you. So why are you once again pulling away?â
âI donât know⊠Junghwa, I feel so confused. I donât know whyâ I confessed. âI donât even know what to doâHer face softened.
âYou shouldnât let go of him now, you knowâ she advised. âBecause you might lose him soonâ
I wish I knew then what it meant to lose him. At least if I did, I shouldnât have done the stupid things I did.Because after that day, I still didnât make my move. I didnât go on my usual night walks that I used to do onordinary spring nights. And I didnât go out of the house much. I was afraid. I couldnât face him. And eventhough I felt a yearning inside my heart, I didnât try to talk to him. There were times I would see him. It waslike he knew what I was doing so he didnât come to talk to me. A part of me became utterly frustrated butanother part of me was glad. A part of me wanted to just go ahead and talk to him again.
The day before summer came that year, I decided to take a walk. The sweet fragrance of flowersblossoming from the trees still floated in the air. The spring feeling can still be sensed. I walked on tonowhere in particular. I didnât realize that I was unconsciously looking for him. My mind was dreaming off inanother world so I wasnât aware of what was happening around me. I didnât see a little boy running towardsme. He and I collided and because of the impact, we both stumbled on the floor.
âIâm sorryâ I apologized to the boy who immediately got up and ran, crying.
My memory with the guy unexpectedly burdened me. I closed my eyes as I felt tears building up in my eyes.I miss him, itâs obvious to see. I didnât stand immediately. I was expecting him. I was wishing and expectinghis hand to appear in front of me and help me up. After a moment, I opened my eyes. A hand was holdingout to me. I felt a surge of happiness flow through me. My wish came true. I grabbed his hand and stood up.But when I looked up, my heart sank upon seeing Rae Won, Junghwaâs brother in front of me.
âI saw that. You should watch where youâre goingâ he told me. I nodded.
âThanks for helping meâ I said, not even bothering to hide my disappointment. I looked around. And I sawhim, the guy, standing behind a bush. And I then realized that he still cared for me. But I didnât approach him.Instead, I followed Rae Won towards their house, fighting the hunger in my heart.
End of chapter 2 ----
Spring 2001: Blossoming LoveA lot had happened over the year. Junghwaâs brother started courting me. He realized his mistakes so hewas trying to win my heart again. But no matter how hard he tries, I just canât seem to forget the guy who Idonât know his name. All of a sudden, I canât forget the times we spent together. And I canât hide the fact thatI really miss him. I miss him so much. But I knew that when spring comes, heâll be back. And I wasnâtsurprised when I saw him.
âItâs a nice movie, isnât it?â Rae Won asked.
âIt wasnât badâ I replied, looking around and thatâs when I spotted him going out of the theater.
âLetâs go to the parkâ Rae Won spoke.
I nodded absently, my eyes still focusing on the guyâs face. He turned so I moved my eyes. I didnât want himto see me look at him. Rae Won led me to the park. We took a seat on a bench in silence. Finally, he brokethe silence.
âHyun Jin, will you be my girlfriend?â he asked out of the blue.
âI already told you before, Rae Won. Iâm~â he cut me off.
âYouâre what? Before, you said you didnât want to because I didnât court you. Now that I finally did, whatmore do you want?â he asked, suddenly fuming. I was aghast.
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âI didnât tell you to court me. I told you before that we arenât meant for each other. I donât like you, okay?â Iresponded, feeling as angry as he was.
âWhy not? Is it because of someone else?â he asked, calming down a little.
âYesâ
And with that, he stood up. âThen I guess I just wasted time with youâ he said, leaving me all alone.
âThatâs your boyfriend?â the voice Iâve been longing to hear spoke.
âNo. Heâs Junghwaâs brotherâ I answered, looking up to see his face.
âYou shouldnât treat him like that. He is a person too. He has feelingsâ he lectured.
âI knew that. I just couldnât help it any longerâ I mumbled.
âAnyway, youâre back for your mission again?â I asked.
âI guess. Itâs spring, right?â he said, sitting down beside me. Silence followed. I want to say a lot of things.But I didnât know how to say them.
âIâm sorryâ I finally informed him. âI didnât mean to hurt your feelings before. I was confused. I didnât knowwhat I was doingâ
âItâs alright. Are you doing okay or are still being a klutz?â he teased. Just like old times.
âYou tell me. Iâm always a klutz when Iâm around you. Iâm starting to think youâre causing my klutzinessâ Iteased back.
âYeah? At least Iâm here to save youâ he told me with a wink. âOh, I have something for youâ, he said,handing me a book. I read the title. âSpring Angelsâ. I smiled at him. So it is true.
âBe my angel?â I asked him.
âDefinitelyâ.
âIâm so proud of youâ Junghwa exclaimed. We were talking on the phone and I was telling her about whathappened earlier today.
âYou mean you arenât mad at me for what happened to your brother?â I asked nervously.
âOf course not. Why would I be? Sure, you did dump him but at least you made a move on the guy that youliked. Speaking of him. Whatâs the guyâs name?â Junghwa asked. I laughed to myself.
âWould you believe if I told you I didnât know?â
âWhat?!? You donât know his name? How did that happen? How long has it been since you two met, twoyears?â she asked in disbelief.
âHe wouldnât tell me. I tried to ask him every time I can but he always dodges another question to me so Iend up answering himâ
âThat means heâs smarter than youâ
âHe is not. Itâs just that~â she cut me off.
âI get it. Itâs because youâre eager to talk to him!â she teased.
âThatâs not true. Iâm just kind enough to answer a question someone asks meâ
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âRightâ, she replied sarcastically.
âAnyway, I have to go. I have to go on my night walkâ, I told her. We said our goodbyes then hanged up.
âUmma, Iâm going for a night walkâ I informed her before going out of the door. She once again reminded meabout not staying out late then she finally let me go. I walked to the park and there he was, sitting at thesame place he has always been for the past two years.
âWhy do want an angel for yourself?â I couldnât help asking as we sat together. My words hung in the air. Hedidnât seem to hear it. I looked at him and saw seriousness in his face. I smiled. He looked a lot more maturethan his usual cheery self. But I could sense something in his face. Somehow, I could feel loneliness. So forthe rest of the night, I just sat there beside him in silence, wishing the loneliness inside him will disappear.
The next day, Iâve decided that wanted to cheer him up. I wanted to take away his loneliness.
âHeyâ I greeted him. I walked towards him as soon as I spotted him.
âHey Hyun Jinâ he replied with a smile. But I can still see the loneliness in his eyes.
âLetâs do something today. How about a boat ride?â, I suggested.
âA boat ride? No thanksâ
âWhy not? Itâll be funâ I whined.
âYou go ahead. I donât want toâ he resolved.
âPlease?â I tried. He shook his head. I grimaced.
Abruptly, an idea popped into my mind. âYou know, youâre right. Iâm just going to go by myself. If I fall intothe lake, itâll be because of you. You didnât watch over me. I donât think your guardian angel will come thenâ Istated. He thought for a while.
âYou really want me to go, huh?â he responded, standing up from the bench he was sitting in.
âI didnât say thatâ I said, hiding a smile.
âLetâs go then. Before I change my mindâ he supposed, pulling me.
âYou seem more excited than I amâ I teased.
âI just want to get it over withâ he remarked with a wink.
âI canât believe how stunning the lake could be until nowâ I thought out loud.
âYes it isâ he returned.
âSo, are you ready to tell me your name?â I asked him.
âWhy do you ask?â
âI just think that itâs not fair that you know my name and I donât know yoursâ
âIt doesnât matterâ
âYes it doesâ I argued.
âWhy canât you tell me your name? Are you hiding something?â
He didnât answer.
âYou can trust me, you know. I want you to trust meâ I confessed.
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âI do trust youâ he retorted.
âNo you donât. I donât even know a thing about you. I want to know about youâ I revealed.
He didnât speak.
âLetâs go backâ he finally said after an uncomfortable quietness. I didnât complain. I was pissed off.
When we were back on land, he pulled my hand and led me to an ice cream cart.
âDonât be mad. Iâm going to treat you some ice creamâ he comforted.
âIâm not a little girl anymoreâ I muttered.
He bought two ice creams and gave one to me. I took it with a frown on my face. Then we sat down.
âAre you going to be like that for the rest of the day?â he asked.
âYesâ I replied, looking away from him.
âOh well. Then I guess Iâll be going. Iâve noticed that you donât get yourself into trouble when youâre madâ I
donât know he was teasing or so I turned to look. He was actually joking so when I looked at his face, Icaught his contagious smile and ended up smiling myself. And for the rest of the day, we just had fun.However, even though I wasnât mad at him, I felt a depressing pain in my heart because I knew that he didnâttrust me at all. And I really wished I knew why. But I knew that he had a reason so I tried to understand.
That night, I couldnât sleep. I kept thinking about him. I could already sense that something was wrong. But Iwasnât sure what. I got up from my bed and walked out the front door, being careful not to wake my mother. Iwalked to the park and was surprised to see him still there.
âItâs lateâ I started.
âI know. Why are you still awake, Hyun Jin?â he asked me. Even though it was dim, I could see a few tearsin his eyes.
âWere you crying?â
âMe? Cry? Are you kidding me?â he asked lightheartedly.
âIâm serious. Are you sure you werenât crying?â I asked in concern.
âOf course. Why would I cry?â
âI donât knowâ I replied.
âYou should sleepâ he told me when I sat down beside him.
âI couldnât sleepâ
âWhy not?â he asked, his voice filled with worry. I hesitated. I didnât think I should tell him that Iâm worriedabout him. But then again, if he knew, then he would tell me what was wrong.
âIâm worried⊠about youâŠâ I finally declared.
âDonât be. Iâm just fine. Look after yourself instead. You should go to sleepâ
âBut~â he placed his finger on my lips.
âIâm alright as long as you areâ, he whispered. Then our lips touched. A soothing sensation rushed throughme and all of the sudden, all my worries were gone. I never knew a kiss could be so powerful that it broughtme far from my depths.
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The days passed by so quickly. Every day, we would do something fun and before I knew it, spring wasalmost over. And as each day passes by, my love for him grew more and more. Until my days werenâtcomplete unless I saw him. And I depended on him more and more. I felt secured only when heâs around. Ifelt that as long as heâs around, I donât have to be afraid of anything because he was going to be there forme, no matter what. I didnât realize then that it was a very wrong thing to do.
âThe weather reports say tomorrow will be the start of summerâ I brought up with him as we wererollerblading.
âReally?â he said simply.
âYeah. Are you going to leave?â I asked, my forehead furrowing.
He didnât answer.
But I knew that he was really. âCanât you stay longer?â, I asked him. Just the thought of him leaving feltfrustrating. What more if he wasnât there at all?
He still didnât reply.
âWhat are your plans for summer?â he diverted.
âNothing muchâ I said with a shrug.
âTake care of yourself, okay?â he prompted.
âWhy? Canât you stay?â I asked again. But he ignored it.
âIs today time for goodbye?â I asked, tears filling my eyes.
âNo itâs not. So donât cryâ he replied with a soft voice, wiping my tears. It brought me comfort hearing him saythat. At least I knew that I was going to see him again.
He departed the next day. And summer arrived. My heart sank, knowing that he wonât be coming back untilnext spring. I thought I would never get through that rest of that year without him. I felt somewhat miserableand lonely. In everything I do, I remember him and all the things we did. And he was never out of my mind.
Though somehow, I did. But the longing in my heart grew stronger and stronger every moment. Waiting forspring to come each day, I knew that when it finally comes, Iâll be all right again. Iâll feel the assurance I feltevery time he was around. And I was right. That was what I thought when it came the following year. It wasprobably the longest Spring Iâve ever experienced.
End of chapter 3 ----
Spring 2002: Withered DreamsâAhâ, I said with a sigh. âDonât you just love spring?â
âAsk yourself. I havenât seen you this happy since last springâ Junghwa remarked.
âI canât help it. I feel eagerâ I told her.
âYou should be. Youâve been waiting since last summer, right?â she said with a laugh.
âYes and Iâm glad itâs here! Spring is here!â I said aloud.
âYou sound like a lunaticâ a recognizable voice commented. I turned and saw his face. My lips formed into asmile.
âYouâre back!â
âOf course. Itâs spring, remember?â he answered. I ran to him and hugged him.
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âI know this isnât where I belong so Iâm going to go nowâ Junghwa said.
âDonât go. Youâre not a third wheelâ I told her.
âNo thanks. Besides, I have a lot of things to do so Iâll go on ahead. Nice to see you, unknown guy andgoodbye, Hyun Jinâ she said, parting us.
âYou look thinner⊠and you look paleâ I said, observing him.
âYou donât look that good yourself. What happened?â he asked. âI thought I told you to take care of yourselfâ
âNothing. I was just on a dietâ I lied.
âReally? You didnât seem fat to meâ I just shrugged.
âAre you lying to me?â he suspected. I looked down, knowing he caught me.
âWhy? You can trust me, you knowâ
âBut you canât trust meâŠâ I said in a small with a sigh. He probably heard me but he didnât speak to it. He just wrapped his arms around my shoulders and comforted me.
âI missed you, donât you know?â I uttered.
âWas that why you lost so much weight?â he asked with a frown. I nodded. He shook his head.
âYou shouldnât have missed me then. It only hurts youâ he remarked.
âI donât care. I promise Iâll be alright. As long as you are hereâ I told him, looking into his eyes. And I saw ahint of sadness. Then, I didnât know what that meant. I thought it was just the loneliness I could sense in him.I didnât realize that the loneliness I found then was already gone and was replaced with another problem.
When I walked out the door to my house the next day, a hand covered my eyes.
âHey!â I shouted.
âShhâ he said.
âWhatâre you doing?â I demanded.
âIâm taking you somewhereâ he replied.
âWhere?â
âItâs a surpriseâ
And then he led me to a place. When we got there, he removed his hand. I rubbed my eyes before I openedthem. And when I did, I gasped in admiration. The place where he took me had the most incredible scenery.I couldnât believe it. And on the grassy field was a blanket full of food.
âA picnicâ I said breathlessly. It was the most romantic thing a boy could do for me. Filled with delight, Ihugged him tight. âThank youâ I whispered to him.
I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost night time. Even though I hated to end the moment, I knewmy mother wouldnât be too happy if I didnât go home when night falls so I decided to ask him if we couldleave.
âWait a moment. I still havenât shown you the real surpriseâ he said.
âBut my umma isnât going to be happy about thisâ
âDonât worry too muchâ
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âWhat is your surprise anyway?â I asked impatiently.
âJust wait a few minutesâ he said. And so I did. But nothing came and the sun was already setting.
âThatâs it. Iâm goingâ I said, standing up.
âWait, thatâs itâ he said, pointing to the sun setting.
âWhat?â I asked.
âI wanted you to see the sun setâ he finally explained. And for the first time in my life, I saw the sun setting.
âWow⊠itâs so beautifulâ I said, truly astounded.
âRemember a few years ago? You told me you never saw the sun setâ he explained.
âIs that why you took me there?â I asked as we walked back to my house.
âYes. I figured youâd want to see something like that since you were so amazed with the lakeâ
âThank youâ I said, meaning it. After that, I entered the house. That night I wasnât allowed to go on my night
walk. My mother scolded me for going home late but it was worth it. It was something Iâll never forget for therest of my life.
Once again, the secure feeling came back to me as we spent the days together. I felt like I can do anythingagain. And I told him about how I felt.
âYou make me feel strongâ I said.
âI do?â he answered.
âYesâ I told him. We were sitting on a swing. We decided to go back to being kids today so we walked to theplayground in the park. He didnât say anything but he smiled. I smiled back. And I noticed that he wanted tosay something but couldnât.
âDo you have something to say?â I asked in concern. He was about to shake his head but then he started
speaking.
âI heard about what happened while I was goneâ he said, turning serious. âYou got into depression?â heasked for confirmation.
âYesâ I divulged. âI guess Junghwa told youâ
âYes she did. But not intentionally. She said that sheâs glad Iâm back because she didnât think you wouldhave survived if I were any longerâ
âThatâs not true..â I defended.
âYou shouldnât depend on me too much, Hyun Jinâ he let out a sigh. I felt my eyes starting to get teary.
âIs it my fault that I canât live without you now?â
âYouâre right. It is my fault. But you should be strong, Hyun Jin. You should learn to be independentâ he said.âBecause I might not always be there for youâŠâ
I didnât get what he said that day. I really didnât know why he said that he might not be there for me when hewas always on my side. But I did try to be stronger than I was. Because he told me so. And I wanted to dowhat he told me to. I guess that was how strong love is. It can change you from strong to weak and weak tostrong. But my strength was still only there when he was around.
âWhat would you do if I donât ever come back?â he asked me one day. I thought for a moment.
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âIâd probably kill myselfâ I joked.
âDonât!â he suddenly yelled.
âI was only jokingâ I let him know.
âOhâ he replied.
âWhy do you ask this?â I questioned.
âIâm just wondering. Anyway, you still havenât answered. What would you do?â he asked again.
âWell, seriously, I think⊠Iâll go into depression again⊠Iâll feel so lost⊠and hopeless⊠and helplessâŠâ Ireplied. âWhy? Are you not coming back?â I asked, feeling a little frightened at the thought of it.
âIâm just wonderingâ he said again.
After that day, he started to change. He seemed uncomfortable whenever he was with me. âAre you alright?âI asked him from time to time. âYeahâ he would say. But I knew something was definitely wrong. And Iwanted to find out badly.
âWhatâs really wrong?â I burst out.
âNothingâ he answered, looking down at his feet.
âThen why canât you look me in the eye and say so?â I asked, tears brimming in my eyes. He looked up tome and smiled.
âIâm alright. Iâm doing fine so stop worryingâ But he did the wrong move because I saw in his eyes that hewasnât okay. That he was lying.
âYou donât like me, donât you?â I asked. âIs that why youâre being uncomfortable with me lately?â
âNoâ he replied.
âThen what is it? Why is it that every time you have a problem, you never tell me?!? I want to know. And I
want to know right now!â I cried.
âI already told you. I donât have a problem. Iâm just fine. Youâre always assuming I have problems when Idonât. What do you want me to tell you when thereâs nothing to tell?â he said calmly.
âThen why are you acting so strange all of the sudden? Why do I feel you being distant?â
âIâm not. Youâre~â
âDonât you tell me Iâm imagining things because Iâm sure that youâre feeling uneasy with me right now! Iâmnot stupid!â I shouted angrily. âWhatâs really wrong? I know thereâs something wrong. Please just tell meâ Ibegged him.
âThereâs really nothing to tellâ he said looking down again.
âThen Iâm going homeâ I said, walking away from him. And what disturbed me was that he didnât even try tostop me.
For three days, I locked myself in my room, just looking out the window. I wanted to see him badly but I toldmyself I shouldnât. I wanted him to be honest. I wanted him to tell me whatâs bothering him. And if he lovedme like I loved him, then he would miss me and realize that he should tell me. But it didnât work that way. Hedidnât pass by my house. I didnât see his face for three days. And that made me miss him so much. I stillneeded him. I still couldnât live without him. And it was killing me that he didnât try to even see me once.
The following day, I decided that I had to see him. I didnât care if he would tell me his problem or not. I made
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myself believe that I was just imagining things. And that things were really okay. I walked out the house andwalked around. It wasnât hard to spot him. He was sitting on the bench unaccompanied by anyone. Andwhen I spotted him, I wasnât the only one who spotted who I was looking for because he stood up andwalked towards me as soon as he caught sight of me.
âHyun Jinâ he called out.
âIâm sorryâ we both said at the same time. We both were surprised to hear each other apologize.
âIâm sorry for acting so pathetic. I guess I just assumed that youâve got problems because everything felt soperfect. And I thought that wasnât possibleâ I told him.
âActually, I was going to tell you that you were right. I was uncomfortable with you the past few days. Letâsgo sitâ he invited. I followed him to a bench.
âI do have a problemâ he admitted when we sat down.
âI had a dongseng before. She was a klutz, like you. And you reminded me of her a lotâ he narrated.
âWhat happened to her?â I asked.
âShe died. A truck hit her while she was riding her bikeâ I didnât know what to say. I was speechless. I felt
tears in my eyes as I felt sorry for him and the girl. âShe and I were so close to each other. Thatâs why I stillmiss her even though it happened five years agoâ
âIâm sorry. It must be hard for youâ I finally said.
âIt is. But I donât want it that way. I want to forget about it already. Itâs the past and no one can change itâ heresponded.
After that, things turned back to normal. But even though I felt sorry for him, I was in high spirits deep inside.Because he finally shared something about himself and it mattered a lot to me more than anything elsecould. Little did I know that what he told me was just a pinch of his worries then.
Have you ever felt something too good that youâre afraid it isnât real? That was what I felt as days continuedon. I felt that our relationship was too perfect. And I knew it was too good to last.
âHyun Jinâ he whispered my name as we sat near the lake one night.
âYes?â I asked.
âDo you still wonder what my name is?â he brought up. Fearing that would be the source of another fightbetween us, I shook my head though I did still wonder about it.
âReally?â he asked, a bit stunned.
âIt doesnât matter anyway. At least I have youâ I alleged to him. I thought I was just imagining it but I sawsadness when I spoke. However after a moment, it was gone so I didnât bother asking about it.
âHyun Jin, Iâm sorryâ he apologized. I speculated why. I donât remember anything bad that he had done.
âFor what? What are you talking about?â
âFor causing you pain then, now and for the futureâ he replied, sounding like he really did something wrongand that was all he brought me the whole time we were together.
âYou never caused me pain then and now. And Iâm sure you wonât anytime in the futureâ I assured him. Heshook his head.
âHyun Jin, you should be strong. You shouldnât always rely on me. Promise me thatâ he requested.
âOf course⊠for you I will do anythingâ I said. Right then, I could already sense something was about to
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happen - something unexpected and dreadful. I just wasnât sure what.
âIf I ask you to forget me and go on with your life, would you do it?â he asked out of the blue.
âNever⊠no matter what happens⊠I will never do that⊠even if anyone threatens to kill meâŠâ I answered,thinking that it was a test that he was giving me to check my faithfulness to him.
âBut I thought you would do anything for me?â he asked, his voice shaky and quivering.
âYes, I would. But I donât think you would ask me to do something like that, would you?â I remarked, feelingmore bothered. His voice never quivered before⊠even when he told me about his dongseng⊠what did itmean?
âSummerâs comingâŠâ he spoke, his voice still shuddering.
âI heard⊠the weather reports say it might come in four days from nowâ I answered. He nodded.
âBut youâre going to come back anyway, right? Next spring?â I queried.
He didnât answer.
His face looked somber as his eyes concentrated on the lake.
âPlease tell me you willâ I pleaded, needing his guarantee.
But he didnât speak.
âI know you willâ I said, trying to sound confident. âAnd when you do, weâll hang out here again every night.And you might even tell your nameâ I anticipated. I smiled at the thought of it.
âHyun Jinâ his voice snapped me out of my fantasy.
âWhat?â
âLetâs end this nowâ he said bluntly.
âHuh?â I exclaimed, asking him to repeat what he said, hoping I heard it wrong.
âIâm asking you to forget about me and go on with your lifeâŠâ he clarified.
âI canât do thatâŠâ I informed him.
âWhy not? Itâs for your own goodâ
âHow can you say that? Donât you know that the happiest moments of my life are when Iâm with you? I loveyouâ I revealed my feelings. He rubbed his forehead. I saw that he was confused.
âYou know that, donât you? And I know you feel the same way too, am I right?â I asked. He shook his head.
âIâm sorry. You got me wrong, Hyun Jin. I donât love you. I only treat you as my dongseng⊠I only wanted tobe your angel⊠not your loverâŠâ he said, parting, leaving me all alone in, what felt like, the coldest night ofthat spring.
I didnât see him after that day. I searched and searched but I couldnât find him anywhere. I didnât believewhat he said that night. I figured something had forced him to say those things. However, no matter how Iwant to ask him about it, I couldnât because he was really gone. By the end of that day, I gave up. Hemustâve left, I thought to myself. As I walked back to the house, a thought came into my mind. Could it beJunghwa who told him to say those things to me because of her brother? And as the thought entered mymind, the more it made sense. It all fit in the puzzle. Anger raged inside me. I couldnât believe how Junghwacould do it to me. I turned my heels and walked towards Junghwaâs house.
When I got there, Junghwa was the one who answered the doorbell.
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âHyun Jin!â She seemed a bit surprised. By that time, my tears were overflowing.
âIt was you, wasnât it?â I cried angrily.
âWhat are you talking about? Hyun Jin, what happened?â she asked, acting naive.
âDonât pretend you donât know! I know you do! Itâs your fault! Itâs all your fault!â I bellowed. âI hate you! I hateyou so much!â I shouted hysterically. She hugged when I became out of control. I pounded my fists on her. âIhate youâŠâ I exclaimed crazily.
âHyun Jin, calm downâ Junghwa soothed.
âJunghwa⊠why? Why did he leave me?â I asked, finally getting back to my senses and realizing Junghwacouldnât have caused it all. âHe promised me⊠heâd be my angel⊠why is he gone? Junghwa⊠I told him Iloved him⊠I told him everything⊠but he didnât understand⊠he didnât⊠love me backâŠâ
For three nights, I prayed that heâd come back. And I never even prayed before. I wanted him back badly.Everyday, I would go and search for him once more. I didnât want to give up because I might have justmissed him before. At night, I would walk to the park, expecting to see him, sitting near the lake. But hewasnât. Until spring came to an end that year.
End of chapter 4 ---
Spring 2003: Fallen HopeI knew when spring ended that he wonât be coming back that year. He never comes in other seasons. Heonly came during spring. That was why when spring came after that year, hope filled my heart once again.After waiting for a long time, having no appetite and not in the mood to talk to anyone but Junghwa and allwe ever did talk about was him, I finally felt that I was going to be fine again.
âUmma, Iâm going outâ I said, walking out the door, not making an effort to wait for her response. I half ranhalf walked as I scanned the faces of the people I passed by to see if it was him. As I did, I saw a familiarfigure standing a few meters away from me. I opened my mouth to call him but then I remembered that Ididnât know his name. Instead, I approached him and tapped his shoulder. Though when he turned, Irecognized it wasnât him at all.
âIâm sorryâ I apologized to the guy and walked on. I didnât find him that day, despite the fact that I looked
everywhere. My heart sank as I locked myself in my room. At first I just stared at the wall, hoping to loseeverything thatâs on my mind. Maybe if I stopped thinking, I would feel better, I supposed. However, thethoughts inside my head just wonât go away. And I found myself going back to the times I spent with him allover again. Breaking down into a sob, I asked myself why he allowed me to suffer like that when hepromised to be my guardian angel. He promised me that he would keep me from getting hurt, so why wasnâthe here when I needed him most?
My eyes squinted from the sunâs gleam the next morning. I didnât realize that I slept. I got up from my bedand walked over to my desk to look at the table clock. My eyes caught a glance at the book he gave me twoyears ago. I sighed, picking it up and opening it. The title was written across the first page. My hand traced itas I tried to recall what he said about âSpring Angelsâ. It felt like it just happened. I can still remember verywell all the details of his face â his smile, his eyes, and his lips. It was all fresh in my mind. But it was threeyears ago. And now he wasnât here. Hatred crossed into my mind and I unconsciously threw the book. It hitthe wall then fell on the ground, making a loud thump. Then once again, tears fell down my cheeks.
âI hate youâŠâ, I cursed him for the first time. I didnât notice the paper that fell out of the book when I threw it.I walked back to my bed and stared out the window.
I heard a soft knock behind the door a few hours later. âWho is it?â I asked without energy.
âJunghwaâ she replied.
âCome inâ
While she entered the room, the door hit the book on the floor. Junghwa picked it up and placed it on the
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table. That was when I noticed the paper on the floor. âJunghwa, whatâs that?â I asked, pointing to the paper.She shrugged.
âMustâve fallen off the bookâ she retorted. I stood up and picked it up. It was a medical file of a hospitalnearby. I scanned the information. The patientâs name was Kim Kyung Rok. He was born on April 3, 1984.And at the bottom was a picture. As soon as I saw it, I knew who it was. It was him⊠I looked back to theupper part of the file and saw what his problem was. Leukemia. The moment I saw that, my hands trembled
and the paper fell out of my hands. I was too shocked. I didnât know he was sick. Junghwa picked up thepaper and looked at it herself. After she did, she let out a gasp. She was just as shocked.
âJunghwa⊠I need to go there⊠he must be thereâŠâ I decided.
I rushed out my room and headed for the door.
âHyun Jin, waitâ Junghwa called. âItâs too late to go out for todayâ
âI donât care!â I replied, my mind set on going there. I didnât care what was going on. All I knew was that hewas in a hospital and I had to go and see him. Junghwa grabbed my arm and stopped me.
âLet go!â I demanded.
âNo! Hyun Jin, I know you love him. But you shouldnât do this to yourself!â she yelled.
âDonât you understand? I need him⊠badlyâŠâ I cried, desperately.
âHeâs become like a drug to you, Hyun Jin. You need control. You have to control yourselfâ
âI donât want to⊠I want to see him⊠I donât want to fight my urge⊠I need himâŠâ
âYou can see him tomorrow. Please just stay here tonight? For me?â she begged. Our eyes met and I sawthe sadness in her eyes. âJust this once, Hyun Jin. Do this for meâ
And before I could change my mind, I walked back inside the house and hugged her.
âThank youâ she whispered. âFor finally showing that you are my friendâ
âIâm sorryâŠâ, I apologized, knowing that ever since he came, I neglected her. âBut I really want to see himâŠâ
âIs there a Kim Kyung Rok here?â I asked the nurse at the counter. Junghwa accompanied me of thehospital the next day and as soon as we got there, I rushed to check with the nurse.
âKim Kyung Rok? Let me checkâ She opened her record book and scanned it.
âIâm sorry, there isnât any patient by that nameâ she said, smiling remorsefully.
âHow about last year?â I asked.
âNo, there wasnât. If there was, I wouldâve heard about himâ
âPlease checkâ I asked as nicely as I could.
âWait a minuteâ she said, disappearing behind a door. When she came back, she was holding three recordbooks.
âWhy donât you check hereâ she said, handing it to me. Junghwa approached me.
âWhatâs going on?â she asked.
âIâm going to check if he was really in hereâ I replied.
âIâll helpâ she said, taking one of the record books. I scanned every page for his name but I didnât see it. Thebook I was holding was year 2001. I checked the one that was dated year 2002. Still, no record of his name.
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âHyun Jin? I think I found itâ Junghwa said as I closed the book I was holding. I rushed to her side and saw itmyself. He was here last 2000. I thought hard. That was the first time we met. How could that be? And whyisnât he there anymore?
âHe isnât from here after all. He mustâve gone back to where he came fromâ Junghwa supposed. But I justdidnât get it. Why would he go to our side of town when he needed medication in the hospital? I really didnât
get it at all. Junghwa and I walked back home. And when we got there, a guy was standing on the frontporch.
âExcuse me, are you Hyun Jin?â he asked.
âYes I amâ I replied. Junghwa and I looked at each other, wondering why this guy knew my name.
âSomeone asked me to give this to youâ he said, handing me an envelope. I stared at it then noticed thename signed on the upper right corner of the envelope.
âWhere is he?â I asked suddenly.
âHeâs~â I didnât let him finish.
âIs he alright? Why isnât he coming?â I threw the questions at him.
âHeâs deadâ
I swear my heart stopped beating at that moment. I felt short of breath and dizzy. Junghwa noticed andgrabbed me before I could fall on the ground.
âHow can he be dead?â Junghwa argued with the guy.
âDidnât you know? He had Leukemia for five yearsâ the guy said.
âWhat? You mean he was sick even before the day we met?â I asked, rubbing my forehead to relieve mydizziness.
âYes. It seems that he skipped all his medications just to see youâ he explained.
âThat isnât true⊠he left last yearâŠâ I replied, fighting back the tears forming in my eyes.
âNo, he didnât. He stayed here until his deathâ the guy confirmed. âHis parents sent him to the hospitalnearby every spring for medication but he gets out of there every time to come and see youâ
Did that mean the day after he told me those words, he already died? I couldnât take it. Any of it. I couldnâtaccept it. I told myself it wasnât true. I donât care if he hated me or that he didnât like me so he left but hedied?!? It canât be.
I ran inside the house and slammed the door behind me. Junghwa pounded on it. âHyun Jin!â she shouted.But I didnât open the door. I was afraid that if people start talking about it, it might really be true. But it isnât atthe moment. At least not for me.
âKyung Rok is aliveâ I told myself repeatedly, thinking if I said it in enough times, it will come true.
I thought my tears were going to dry out at that moment because I couldnât stop crying. Junghwa was rightâŠhe had become a drug to me⊠and I needed him⊠I needed him so much that it hurt⊠but even thought itwas hard to face that he was really dead, when I woke up the next morning, realization swept over me.
âHeâs deadâ the guyâs voice circled through my head. âInstead of taking medications, he came to see youâ Iclosed my eyes and let more tears flow. I grabbed the envelope the guy handed me the day before andopened it.
âI made the biggest mistake in my lifeâŠI fell in love with the person Iâm watching over⊠at first I thought itwas good⊠the sensation of love⊠I never felt much happier⊠I have found my angel⊠the one I was
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looking to find. And it felt good to know that⊠even though I knew it was wrong⊠five years ago, I made avow. I promised myself I wonât fall for anyone anymore⊠I knew it would be a sin⊠but when I met her, Icouldnât help myself⊠I became selfish⊠to the point that I started to hurt her⊠I wanted to stop causing herpain but I couldnât. It was too late⊠I wanted to leave⊠but if I did, she would get hurt⊠if I stayed and diedwhile I was with her, she would also get hurt⊠I donât know what to do⊠now I realize why angels canât fallin love⊠â
It wasnât really addressed to me. It was like a journal entry. But what was written really made me cry. I didnâteven finish reading the letter because after that, I started bawling. I missed the important part. But I didnâtknow that. I became hysterical all of a sudden. I couldnât take it anymore. I felt like I was going to go insane.I needed an escape. Something to rid everything in my head because if I didnât, I thought my head wouldexplode. I rummaged through my things for something to do to distract myself. But I ended up running out ofthe house towards the bar that was just a few blocks away from our house.
When I got inside, I ordered a beer. As soon as the bottle was placed in front of me, I gobbled down thewhole bottle. I felt a bit dizzy since it was my first time to drink beer. But my mind was only set on one thing.And that was to forget about everything. And I was ready to do anything just to attain it. I ordered more beerfrom the bartender until I drank more than six bottles. I knew then that I was already drunk. I stood up fromthe seat I was sitting in and tried to walk straight but I couldnât. I grabbed the bar table for support as Iwalked out the place. I couldnât see clearly, everything seemed to moving as I looked at them. And when Ilooked before me, I saw him. I saw Kyung Rok.
âHyun Jinâ
âKyung RokâŠThey said you were dead, would you believe it?â I said with a laugh. Suddenly all my worrieswere gone and all I knew was that I was talking to him and nothing else.
âBut I didnât believe. No, not me. I knew youâd be back⊠I knew you wouldnât leave meâŠâ I continued,walking towards him. However before I could reach him, I stumbled to the ground. But he caught me.
âThank youâ I told him, holding on to him to keep my balance.
âDonât leave me⊠please tell me youâd stay forever⊠That you wonât let me get hurt anymoreâŠâ I cried tohim.
âHyun Jin, what did you do?â he asked.
âIâm sorry for doing this. I really thought you died⊠But you have to understand⊠I canât live without youâŠso donât ever leave meâŠâ And with that, I fell unconscious.
âI want you to forget me and just go on with your life. You misunderstood me. I never loved youâŠâ thosewere his last words. And somehow, it kept repeating inside my head. It was like a broken record that keptplaying on and on. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to shut it off. But it wonât stop. I closed my eyes and toldmyself it was just inside my head. Until finally, it stopped. I reopened my eyes. A hand was holding mine.The hand belonged to guy who had his face buried in the covers of my bed as he sat on a chair beside it. Iexpected it to be Kyung Rok so I called out his name. What surprise I had when the person I saw when helooked up was Rae Won.
âWhat are you doing here?â I asked, still stunned to see him.
âDidnât you know? I took you home from the barâ he explained.
âNo! Kyung Rok took me home!â I disagreed.
âHyun Jin. I heard about your boyfriend. Iâm sorryâ he grieved.
âHe wasnât my boyfriend! He was my angelâŠâ I argued.
âIâm still sorryâ
âDonât be. Heâs alive. I saw him! He was the one who took me home!â I said, starting to lose control again.
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âYes he did, and he told me to tell you to calm down and bring back your old selfâ he replied, going towardsme.
âYouâre lying! He wouldnât leave me here! You mustâve driven him away!â I shouted angrily.
âPlease⊠Hyun Jin. Fight it. Please bring back your old selfâ he begged, touching my arm.
âLeave me alone! Go! I donât need you!â I screamed.
âNo. Iâm going to stay here with you until you calm down and until you go back to being the Hyun Jin I knewâhe said persistently.
âLeave me be! Just leave me be!â I shrieked as I felt my energy draining. I dropped to the floor. He movedforward and pulled me up. âI canât live without him⊠I just canâtâŠâ I mumbled as he laid me to my bed.
âIâll help youâŠâ
He stayed with me for days, in my room. Even as I just sat there, staring at the wall, he didnât leave. He satbeside me and told me about how I used to be. âRemember the time when we watched that movie? It wasreally fun, wasnât it?â he asked.
âI brushed you off thenâŠâ I said insensibly.
âBut you were happy then. Why canât you be now?â he questioned.
I didnât answer.
He didnât understand how I felt. He didnât know what it was like to miss a person close to the heart. But thatwas just what I thought then. I didnât realize he was feeling it right then and there.
But Rae Won was still human. And humans give up when it had been too much.âI donât love you. Just leave me. I love Kyung Rokâ I muttered. Iâve trying to get him out by saying meanthings but he wouldnât. Until that moment.
âYou donât understand how it feels⊠to lose himâŠâ I followed.
âAnd you donât know how it feels to love someone who doesnât love youâ he snapped. I was taken aback by
what he said. âYou think everyone else in the world is insensitive just because a person died doesnât meanother people donât care about you. A lot of people care about you - your mother and Junghwaâ
âAnd meâ, he added in a small voice.
âBut you just canât seem to see thatâ he said, standing up and heading for the door. I didnât stop him. Butwhen the door closed behind him, I felt regret in my heart. And for the first time in a long time, I found myselfthinking about how Rae Won felt. And in doing so, I felt tears trickle down my cheeks. Because just then, Irealized the wrong things Iâve done to him. Feeling that I wasnât going to feel any much sadder, I took thattime to continue reading Kyung Rokâs letter.
âHyun Jin,I Love you⊠itâs lesser a sin if I write it down instead of saying it, right? I just wanted to let you know⊠atleast once⊠I was wrong. And you were right. I canât make you forget me. And I shouldnât have said that.But you have to go on with your life⊠because what I couldnât tell you before was that⊠Iâm dying⊠I haveLeukemia⊠and I know Iâm not going to last too long⊠Iâm pulling away from you now⊠please donât doanything stupid⊠remember your promise? You promised to be strong⊠I hope you keep it⊠at least do itfor me.. but whatever you do, keep me in your heart⊠as the person who loved youâŠuntil his deathâŠgoodbye, Hyun Jin⊠itâs for your own good⊠move onâŠdonât be afraid to love again⊠love isnât scaryâŠitâsa wonderful and mysterious thingâŠâ
Though I was expecting myself to be crying a river after I read the letter, I didnât. Instead, I felt like I knewwhat I had to do. A self-realization flowed through me, causing me to run out the door and look for Rae Won.Luckily, I found him outside, sitting on the front porch, alone. I walked towards him and sat down beside him.
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âRae WonâŠâ I called his attention. He didnât turn to me.
âRae Won⊠Iâm sorryâŠâ
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I never regretted meeting Kim Kyung Rok and I never will. I will never ever forget him. Not because he wasmy first love. But because it was because of him that I have learned to love. Even though what he and I hadwas almost perfect, it had to end. Just like the spring comes to an end every year to give way to summerand like a flower withers but there will always be a new one. Thatâs a reality of life.
Kyung Rok was just a messenger. He was an angel sent to tell me something. And what he wanted to tellme was that I should give love a chance. He showed me that love isnât something to fear. That love isnât allpain. It is also joy. And what I had with him was obsession and not really love. And he taught me a lot. Hewill always be my spring angel.
Right now, Iâm happy with Rae Won. I have given love a chance. And now I find myself happy with the one Itruly love⊠there really is a rainbow after the rainâŠ
As I end the story of my spring angel, Kyung Rok, these words I dedicate to himâŠâI love,
I have loved,I will loveâŠ
Because of youâŠâ
CREDIT/BY :: jyl@sOuLâ
Madpeach90@sOuLâ michelle