Facilitators

Jenny Collet 541-554-9029

Tori Thornton 541-912-5322

Gayle Nelson 541-255-6027

Meetings1st Wednesday of the month @ 7:00pm.

LocationLane Co. Mental Health Bldg2411 MLK Jr. Blvd.(across from Autzen Stadium turn on Scout Access Road)

No religious affiliation18 & older

July / August 2014eugenecompassionatefriends.org

eugenecompassionatefriends@gmail.com

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller, American author and activist

New Location

Welcome to Compassionate FriendsEspecially to those newly bereaved who have joined us for the first time. The Compassionate Friends is a voluntary self help or-ganization offering support, understanding and hope for the fu-ture. All bereaved parents are welcome.

We are sorry we had to meet under such circumstances, but we are glad you found us. We would like to do all we can to help you through these times. We cannot hurry you through it or take away the pain, but we can help you understand more about what you are going through. Sometimes just knowing what you are feeling is normal can be helpful.

We are other parents who have experienced the death of a child and offer understanding and support through our monthly meet-ings, a lending library, support material and a listening ear. We have learned the key to survival for bereaved families is communi-cation.

We ask that you give us more than one meeting to decide if the Com-passionate Friends is for you. It takes cour-age to attend your first meeting, but those who do come find an atmo-sphere of understand-ing from other parents and siblings who are having or have expe-rienced the feelings of grief that you are now feeling.

YouTube Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you.

You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a

transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project. -Anne Grant

Watch “Grief Relief Television,” with Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi. Search on youtube.com - grief relief television episode 1Episode 1: Handling the Loss of a Child with guests Patricia Loder, former executive Director of TCF and Dr Ken Druck, whose daughter died when a bus crashed in India when she was in a foreign exchange program. Source: Grief Relief Television on Youtube

Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even death can take it away. Joanne Cacciatore

CF July / August 2014 page 2

Angel DaysJuly

Brodee Charles Crabb July 2James Jacobsen Gutierrez July 5Roger Ted Clausel July 5T.J. Reed Zibelli July 6 Gary Daniel Clausel July 7Lee Hubbard Guzman-Dillon July 13Michael Todd Andrews July 17Brittney Nicole Knouf July 18Shahzad Shahkeel Sheikh July 24

AugustJeffrey Daniel Garcia August 4Gina Marie Belisle-Stalone August 5Cody Patrick Neilan (Ybanez) August 5Vaclav Hajek August 14Rhonda Lynn Jensen August 20Clay Weil Agost August 23please email for any changes or additions leeannagost@yahoo.com

PRECIOUS CHILDIn my dreams, you are alive and wellPrecious child, precious childIn my mind, I see you clear as a bellPrecious child, precious childIn my soul, there is a holeThat can never be filledBut in my heart, there is hope‘Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on, always there never gonePrecious child, you left too soonTho’ it may be true that we’re apartYou will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leavePrecious child, precious childBut in this world, I was left here to grievePrecious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole that can never be filledBut in my heart there is hope and you are with me still

In my heart you live on, always there, never gonePrecious child, you left too soon, Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you, see you, touch youAnd maybe there’s a heaven and someday I will againPlease know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on, always there never gonePrecious child, you left too soon. Tho’ it may be true that we’re apartYou will live forever... in my heart

Songwriters: TAYLOR-GOOD, KAREN

SIBLING GRIEF UNRECOGNIZED:

LOSS OF A SIBLINGBy Jill Fitzgerald

“Echoes of each other’s being. Whose eyes are those that look like mine? Whose smile reminds me of my own? Whose thoughts come through with just a glance? Who knows

me as no others do? Who in the whole wide world is most like me, yet not like me at all? My sibling.” (Faber & Mazcish, 1989. [p 114)

So often the death of a sibling is dismissed, unrecognized or even ignored. The assumption is that perhaps it is not as devastating as a parent losing a child, a wife losing a husband, or even a child losing a parent. Yet, our siblings are one of the longest lasting relationships we will ever have.

Siblings define our past, are key in our “evolution” of our identity, and they know all of the intricacies of our families. Our siblings saw us in the best of times and in the worst. There is no other relationship like the sibling connection. In an instant your world changed when your brother or sister died. In an instant, your entire family changed forever.

The impact of losing a sibling has many layers and hits on many levels. You might feel guilt that you are the one that survived, you may feel confusion about what role you now play in the family, you may be angry that your family has changed so drastically, and the sadness you experience can be indescribable.

To quote the title of a superb book- Invisible Heroes (Naparstek, B), which outlines the impact trauma has on the body, this title also represents survivors of sibling loss. Many often feel invisible as their grief is so vastly overlooked.

In efforts to combat feeling invisible, make your loss and your grief known. Educate others about how sibling grief shapes you. Just as there was a connection before your sibling died, there can be after the death as well.

Pay tribute and honor your brother or sister often. Say their name, tell their story, do random acts of kindness as a means of memorializing. Just as the poem suggests, don’t allow the “echo of your being” to be forgotten. It was an important relationship and will forever be.Source: TCF Kamloops, B.C Spring 2014

CF July / August 2014 page 3

Contribution by Michael’s Mom

MEMORIES OF

MICHAEL

SCOTT PAUL

BY SOME OF HIS

FRIENDS AND

CO-WORKERS

AFTER HIS DEATH

8/25/1965-4/29/2004

"He has touched many of us with his knowledge, sincerity and humor."

"Whenever Michael's name was mentioned in conversation, it was always accompanied with a huge smile. That's what Michael did--he made you smile and the memories of Michael will still always make us smile. We'll miss you Michael. You touched everyone who had the privilege of knowing you. Watch over us from above and know that we'll be thinking of you often."

"Michael was one of the truly good people of this Earth. I was honored that he considered me his friend."

"The world is a better place because Michael was in it. My life is more enriched because Michael was a part of it. He will live in my memories and will never truly be gone since he will always be a part of me."

PERSONAL STORY ... YOU ARE INVITED to submit an original writing about your grief journey experiences. submit writing & attached photo (optional) to leeannagost@yahoo.com

WHEN YOU WRITE FROM THE HEART, you not only light the dark path of your readers, you light your own way as well. ~ Marjorie Holmes

Summer Time, Vacation Time, Family TimeI’ll bet you never dreamed that there would ever be a time in your life when you would not welcome vacation from work.., and the day-to-day hassles of routine living. It’s probably a shocker to you that the slow pace of summer, cookouts , softball games, etc., are now a nightmare. Everywhere we go, there are kids out of school enjoying their leisure time, and our bodies jolt as we search for our own absent child who enjoyed this time of the year with a passion!

Surrounded by summer fun, a bereaved parent needs only look around and there are painful memories at every comer.When we are faced with all the living, loving, happy families with their children, the anger boils within and we feel very cheated. And this year we are afraid to go back to the beach cottage we’ve visited every year, or to the favorite mountain retreat where we laid around for a week and relaxed, or the amusement park where the kids had to ride every ride and see every attraction, no matter what the temperature was. Yes, fear of our memories, fear of too much time to think, fear of too many kids, fear of bursting inside from our pain.. .all of these feelings are part of the first few years of summer vacations for bereaved parents.

It’s been nine years now for me, and I need to tell you that it will get easier, but I found that for the first few years I needed to consciously change some of my routines in order to deal with my fears. I could not visit the same places we had visited when Todd was with us.We tried new experiences in new places with new people. That isn’t to say there weren’t some downtimes; however, the faster paced vacations worked better for us . I could not allow myself too much time to think. I enjoy those weekends away now, but for the first few summers I had to dig in the yard, repaint lawn furniture, rearrange the garage, and the multitude ofbusy projects we’d been putting off for the lack of time. That was a better vacation for me than forcing myself to go somewhere and feel miserable.

You’ve read it a hundred different times, you have to find your own way and your own peace—leave yourself room to escape if it becomes necessary. If you can find any enjoyment and relaxation, relish it.. .you deserve it, and it does not mean you don’t care. It simply means you are healing. Now I walk down the beach and enjoy the solitude, or laugh when I see a toddler, or listen to the joy of kids laughing, and it warms my heart. Yes I miss him, but I know he enjoyed every minute of this season, and I know that’swhat he’d want for me ... And thank God, I can do it once more!Source: Brenda Holland, TCF, Concord NC

CF July / August 2014 page 4

Normal Aspects of the Grief ExperienceSourcet: http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org

The process of grief includes responses at emotional, physi-cal, cognitive, behavioral and spiritual levels. The following describes some of these.

Feelings Most people who grieve experience at least one (usually more) of the emotions previously mentioned: sadness, anger, disbelief, numbness, relief, guilt, and gradual acceptance. These emotions may come and go, or appear unexpectedly in response to a memory, a song, or something else that reminds you of the person who has died. It may be confusing to experi-ence such a wide range of emotions and/or to feel them with such intensity as you adjust to the loss you have experienced. This is a normal part of the grief experience, and over time you will experience these feelings with less intensity. You will gradually have a better sense of predictability in how and what you are feeling.

Physical Sensations Often after a loved one dies, people describe feeling a “hol-lowness” in the chest, increased sensitivity to noise or touch, weakness, loss of energy, and a sense of distance. These sen-sations add to the sense of being overwhelmed during grief. It is important to remember that these, too, are normal experi-ences, particularly in the early days and weeks after the death of someone you love.

Thoughts/Cognitions People who are grieving may experience many unfamiliar thoughts. A sense of disbelief or confusion, preoccupation with thoughts of the person who has died, disorientation, or even a sense of “presence” of their loved one may be experi-enced. It is important to be aware of your personal safety dur-ing grief, as being “preoccupied” can lead to distractions dur-ing driving, crossing the street, walking down stairs, or other aspects of normal life. These feelings will pass. Remember, to move successfully through grief it helps to take an active role in the healing process.

Behaviors It is common to experience changes in sleep or appetite pat-terns. Some people say they sleep all the time, others cannot sleep at all. Some people can’t eat, others can’t stop. There may also be a sense of social withdrawal, as the energy it takes to interact seems taxing. It is normal to feel disoriented, ex-hausted, and as if no one else understands what you are go-ing through. Some people have vivid dreams, cry constantly or can’t cry at all. Others comment that they think they see their loved one in a crowd, or find themselves reaching for the phone to give them a call.

Understandably, any combination of the above behaviors can cause the person who is grieving to feel a loss of control and to wonder if life will ever again have stability or meaning. While these experiences may not be normal for your “normal” life, they are normal for the grief experience, and they will pass.

When to seek professional help for grief source: http://www.helpguide.org

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:• Feellikelifeisn’tworthliving• Wishyouhaddiedwithyourlovedone•Blameyourselfforthelossorforfailingtopreventit

•Feelnumbanddisconnectedfromothersformorethanafewweeks

•Arehavingdifficultytrustingotherssinceyourloss

•Are unable to perform your normal dailyactivities

Please, don’t ask me if I’m over it yetPlease, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet.I’ll never be over it.Please, don’t tell me she/he’s in a better place.She isn’t with me.Please, don’t say at least she isn’t suf-fering.

I haven’t come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.Please, don’t tell me you know how I feelUnless you have lost a child.Please, don’t ask me if I feel better.Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up. Please, don’t tell me at least you had her for so many years.What year would you choose for your child to die?Please, don’t tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.Please, just tell me you are sorry.Please, just say you remember my child, if you do.Please, just let me talk about my child.Please, mention my child’s name.Please, just let me cry.

Rita Moran: TCF Ft Lauderdale, FL ... contributed by Ruth Anne

CF July / August 2014 page 5

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your

heart.... A.A. Milne

Welcome to BabylossThe loss of a child is devastating. You do not have to face this alone. BabyLoss Eugene is a support organization for parents and others who have been affected by the loss of a child. We offer a safe, nurturing place for those who have experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of an infant or toddler. For our current support group schedule . . . Please contact Deena Crandall 541-556-2773or email babyloss.eugene@gmail.com http://babylosseugene.wix.com/babyloss-eugene

BABYThey Knew Them Already

source: By Pat Schwiebert, RN, tearsoup.com

They were young and innocent. That was then. This is now. In a blink of an eye, a soli-tary moment, their lives were changed. Their baby died. Their baby was wanted, loved, and now missed. From a young age they had been told life is unfair. Talking about it is an intel-lectual experience. Now they have to live it.Back in the 70’s when we medical professionals were being urged by bereaved parents to reconsider our well intentioned view of stillbirth, much of our care was driven by our own discomfort with death, our own sense of failure, and not trusting that these young parents could handle the disappointment of this tragedy. Our advice was to go home and make another baby, and better luck next time. We didn’t encourage parents to see, name, hold, or memorialize their baby. We meant well, but we didn’t ask the parents what they needed. We assumed they didn’t want to talk, when in fact, it was we who were uncomfortable with talking about death and grief.

We thought we were sparing them grief when we discouraged them from seeing their dead baby, and that this would help them get on with their lives more easily. What we didn’t take into consideration was that these parents had already bonded with their babies. They already knew them intimately. They had felt every twist and turn, bump and hiccup. They knew the foods their

baby liked and the music that soothed them. These babies were already being talked about and counted as part of the family, even if the baby hadn’t been seen yet. But now, with our highly sophisticated ultrasound equipment, many parents have already seen their babies before birth.

Even though there are 50,000 pregnancy losses and infant deaths a year in this country, not to mention close to a million miscarriages, the death of an infant is still not a conversation topic that most people want to be part of.

When infant death is mentioned, most people quickly change the subject. Parents themselves are hesitant to bring it up because they don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable, or they don’t want to be judged. Others think if you don’t talk about the death of an infant the parents will find it easier to forget their loss. But this inadvertent conspiracy of silence doesn’t help or heal anyone.

I have been sitting in support groups since the mid 70’s. Bereaved parents come seeking support, understanding and comfort. I see firsthand what the death of their baby does to them. I hear how they question themselves and wonder if they could have prevented this from happening. I see how this experience shakes their self confidence and causes tension in their marriage. I see how disappointed they are in family and friends who want to hurry them through this grief so they can get back to their “old selves”. I watch them rebuild their lives learning how to remember, not relive. One woman, when asked about her grief replied, “I don’t think the pain has gotten less. I have just gotten stronger.”

These meetings are not filled with light superficial chatter. Rather they are filled with a deep sense of gratitude that others really want to hear about their baby and what it’s like for them on this unfamiliar journey of grief.

They are grateful to not be alone. They let me see their pain. They trust me to not dismiss, minimize, or intellectualize their experience. They see that I can be a container for their pain and that I am not afraid of their tears. I am in awe of how these little ones that nobody else knew are able to bring new life to their parents.

If you haven’t had a pregnancy loss or sat by your newborn in the NICU watching their breath fade away, trust that these parents’ grief is real--just as real as the grief of anyone who has sat beside their 4 year old or 40 year old as their life was ending. They may not get to hold their baby in their arms, but they will hold them in their hearts forever. We can do a lot for them by helping them see we want to hear their story.

CF July / August 2014 page 6

Steering Committee Meeting

For all Members . . .

Are you curious about how our support group is organized and planned? Do you have ideas or sug-gestions for us? Our monthly meet-ings are open to all support group members. You are always welcome. For location, date, time, and info, please callTori Thornton 541-912-5322 Gayle Nelson 541-255-6027 Jenny Collet 541-554-9029

Volunteers needed

1. Library2. Public Relations

Eugene Compassionate Friends

Facilitators Gayle, Jenny, Tori

Library _______________

Email Tori

Treasurer Gayle

Member List Tori

Website Leeann

Newsletter Leeann

Proof Reader Ruth Anne

Public Relations _____________

websiteeugenecompassionatefriends.org newsletters under: Resources

emaileugenecompassionatefriends@gmail.com

37th TCF NATIONAL CONFERENCE July 11-13, 2014 • Chicago

“Miles of Compassion through The Winds of Hope” is the theme of next year’s event which promises more of this year’s great national conference experience, which ended in Boston to a standing ovation at the Sunday closing. The 2014 conference will be held at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare right near the airport. Plan to come and be a part of this heartwarming experience!https://www.facebook.com/TCFUSAMark your calendars for July 10-12, 2015 to join us in Dallas, Texas for our 38th National Conference.

Online Links . . .

Bereaved parents ... bereavedparentsusa.org

Support for parents who have no surviving

children ... alivealone.org

Parents of Murdered Children ... pomc.com

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

nationalshare.org

Parents of veterans ... iava.org

KIDS - courageouskidsoregon.org

Hospice of Sacred HeartBereavement GroupNo fees for these servicespre-register 541.461.7550

Tues 10:30-12pmJuly 8 - Aug 26Oct 17 - Nov 25Wed 5:30-7pmAug 16 - Sept 24Nov 5 - Dec 17contribution by Ruth Anne

“Death Cafe”

http://deathcafe.com

contribution by Treehouse Karen

It is not based on any one way of

experiencing death; child, mother,

father, brother, sister....but encompasses

everything.