Your Past: Will it Ruin Your Future?

a Christian Perspective

by Reiter Buchmann

2015 Reiter Buchmann

reiterbuchmann@gmail.com

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Praise the God and Father of our Lord

Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the

God of all comfort. He comforts us in all

our affliction, so that we may be able to

comfort those who are in any kind of

affliction, through the comfort we

ourselves receive from God. For as the

sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so

through Christ our comfort also overflows.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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Table of Contents

Preface: The Christian Experience........................................5

The Problem..............................................................................9

The Goal...................................................................................11

The Essential Acknowledgment..........................................14

Is the World your Courtroom?............................................17

Living in the Now...................................................................21

A Case for Humor..................................................................26

Cause and E1ect: E1ect, or Cause?...................................29

The Main Issue: Control.......................................................34

Faith, A1liction, and Healing..............................................36

People are Waiting.................................................................40

Some Possible First Steps.....................................................43

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Preface: The Christian Experience

Every Christian, having experienced rebirth, knows

that a change took place.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.2 Corinthians 5:17 HCSB

We know, of course, that the most significant aspects of

the change are spiritual in nature, for we have been brought

from death into life: whereas we were formerly dead in our

trespasses and sins, we have now been made alive in Christ!

(Ephesians 2:5). But then comes the required reckoning,

which seems to be the hard part of the Christian existence.

Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.Romans 6:11 KJV

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So the realization of this new creation in our daily

lives is apparently partly contingent upon our own

participation. In other words, it is clear that were we to

simply say, Thank you, Jesus, for saving me from hell, and

go about our way, we would leastwise miss out on the wealth

of provision God has for us to facilitate our own recovery

from the consequential damages of sin in our lives, to say

nothing of blessings in eternity.

Have you ever talked with a brother or sister in Christ

whose life just seems like a massive train wreck? Their heart

is in the right place; they want to honor God; they want to do

what is right, but their life just seems so out of control that at

every turn they struggle. Life is a continual struggle for them

because of

1. old habits (which may not look like sin) that they can'tseem to break,

2. old attitudes and points of view that they can't seem toshake, and

3. other people's words and actions, either past or present.

It seems that although we know that we are a new

creation, many of us struggle daily to make it realto

realize the new man in an old and familiar world. Who of

us has never asked, Why, if all things are become new, am I

still dealing with all this old stuff in my life!?! I think it has

to do with our own will, the renewing of our minds (Romans

12:2), and the working out of our own salvation with fear and

trembling (Philipians 2:12).

There is work for us to do within the context of our

relationship with God, and that work is, I think, the central

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Christian challenge. This work is what God has set before us

as our number one priority, ahead of evangelism, ahead of

witnessing to others, ahead of our public testimony. It is the

primary process that necessarily ensues at the inception of

our friendship with Christ. The Christian walk is an

intensely personal experience, and if Christ is Lord of our

lives, then He is the first one whom we wish to please. It's

not that we don't care what others think; it's that we care

more, and we care first what God thinks.

But in the long run, if we fail to realize God's new

creation in ourselves, either by willful stubbornness, or by

lack of diligence, endurance, perseverance, etc., then surely

our relationship with God will be compromised. And if our

relationship with God is compromised, then how will our

interpersonal relationships with others not be compromised

as well?

When we come to Christ, we come as broken

individuals. We come to Him knowing that we are not

whole, for it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the

sick (Luke 5:31). Jesus Christ is the great physician. For the

Christian, He, and only He, offers us true recovery. This

includes recovery not only from the damage caused by our

own sin, but from the damage to ourselves caused by the sins

of others as well.

So now, to the point of this writing, we know that the

sins of our past would surely ruin our future, were we to

persist in them. Can the sins of others committed against us

ruin our futures as well? We know they have damaged us.

Must the damage persist, or can it be repaired, or at least

abated? Especially in the case of child abuse or spousal

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abuse, must our past, over which we had little or no control,

ruin our future? Or has our Great Physician provided us

with a path to recovery from the damage of other people's

sins as well as our own?

I think the answer is, Yes! God, being God, has the

answers to our great dilemmas. He is God, and to Him, our

great dilemmas are small, for He is God. The only

alternative to this sentiment is either that God is small and

impotent, and thus unable to assist me in my great trials, or

that God is evil, and thus unwilling to assist me, though I

have cast my fate into His hands. Of course God, in His own

infinite wisdom, has left the determination for ourselves, to

ourselves. In other words, You Decide. In so doing, you

decide your own fate, as well as (to some degree) the fate of

others, especially of those who love you.

Your past can certainly ruin your future, but only by

your own allowance. In Christ Jesus, The Lord has provided

fully for our total recovery from our own sins, as well as from

the sins and trespasses of others against us. It is up to you,

whether you decide to realize this recovery in your own life.

And in that decision, and from that recovery, you may then,

and only then, be able to bless others with the comfort with

which you have been comforted (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Note: This is written to those who are notfacing current abuse. The presuppositionhere is that you are not in an abusiverelationship. This is for those seeking

recovery from past abuse.

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The Problem

As I was growing up in the sixties and seventies, I

perceived what I thought was a kind of societal awakening to

the fact that child abuse was a rising problem. Perhaps it

was only my own awakening, and society was already well

aware of the problem. In either case, looking back now over

the past ten or twenty years, it seems that abusive behavior

has only risen exponentially, for it's almost all anyone ever

talks about nowadays. This has led me to wonder

1. If a societal problem exists and is little-known, does a

broader awareness of it actually help to solve it?

2. Does a person's awareness that they have suffered

abuse help them to avoid abusing others, or is

something else needed?

3. At what point should we cease concentrating on the

cause and the perpetrators, and focus instead on

finding and providing tools of recovery to the abused?

Someone has said, The best we can hope for is that we

will damage our children less than our parents damaged us.

I believe there is some real truth in that, for none of us is the

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perfect parent. If you believe you are, or if you believe you

can be the perfect parent (or the perfect wife, or the perfect

husband), then this writing will be of no use to you. I think

that we should strive for perfection, knowing that we won't

make it. This is not fatalism; it is acknowledgment of this

reality: that I am not perfect, but this fact shall not dissuade

me from my pursuit of excellence.

So will I never abuse my children? I probably will be

abusive at some point, though I pray that God will quickly

correct me, so that I may speedily take reparative action.

And I am thoroughly resolved to do so.

Now, the only reason I express the foregoing thought is

that our world is now so replete with observations and

accusations of abuse that any reasonably introspective

person will surely realize, at some point, that they have

abused their loved one(s). The narcissists are the ones who

will not come to this conclusion. To find out who they are,

just look at what they say. Is there a vestige of contriteness

or confession of the sin of abuse; or is there a staunch

disagreement with what I have said thus far?

This brings me to my fourth question:

4. For the one who has suffered past abuse, can he or shehave a full and healthy life going forward?

We know intuitively that the answer surely must be

yes, else the God of our existence is surely a cruel being,

having provided us no escape from this prevalent evil. Then

the question becomes, How, then?

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The Goal

First, what is the goal? I think that too often human

nature holds us hostage to our past when we acquiesce to the

attraction of morbid self-affirmation, wherein we choose to

cling to the shallow comfort offered by the voice saying,

What they did to you was wrong, and you have a

right to be upset and indignant about that. You are not

wrong in feeling unjustly slighted by their words and

actions. You deserve better treatment than that, and others

should acknowledge this fact as well.

While this is probably true, the victim must ask

himself: what really is the goal, here? Now that I know I

have been mistreated, what is my highest goal in life? Is it

simply that the world should call a general assembly and

acknowledge my plight, or is it something higher, such as

this: that I might use my insight to bless others?

The hard question, too seldom asked of the victim, is

this: Do you wish to remain a victim, or do you earnestly

seek to rise above your own abuse, triumph over it, and go on

in life, blessing others with your kindness and grace?

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Because here's the thing: as long as you are a victim,

you have nothing to offer others, no matter how much you

love them. See, the victim of a crime comes to court seeking

reparation. He is there to exact justice. He is there to

receive something. He is not there to give something, and

he's not there to make concessions or to forgive his offender.

He is there seeking justiceand deservedly so, unless his

case is invalid or frivolous, which the court will decide.

Hopefully justice will be served, and then he can go on in life.

And there is a certain and definite satisfaction in seeing

justice rightly served, not only for the victim, but for the

onlookers and the rest of society at large. Interestingly,

however, that satisfaction for the victim often seems to be as

elusive asif not more thanwas the justice originally

sought.

For the abused child who is now an adult, the justice, if

it has not yet come, likely will never come. And even for the

abused child who is still a child, the justice, if it comes,

typically has such damaging side effects that it really is no

justice at all. If there is such a thing as a victimless crime,

then surely child abuse is a victimful crime, for it ruins

everybody's lives, from the victim himself to his future loved

ones, and even the perpetrator, whose life was likely already

ruined by abuse. All in all, child abuse is a horrible, horrible

thing, for it is a symptom as well as a crime.

So where does that leave us: a society of previously

abused individuals, all seeking reparation? To whom can we

appeal? In this vast societal matrix of the abusers and the

abused, many of whom even love each other, who can set the

record straight, putting into motion a plan of recovery? How

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can we possibly become a happy people in the midst of all

this violence?

But for each of us, as individuals, the question is more

focused. It is more localized, and comes, for example, in the

following forms:

How can I make my wife love me, like it seems like she did before we were married?

How can I get my husband to talk to me? Why is he so reclusive?

Why do I feel so disenfranchised in my relationship with this one whom I love?

Strangely, these questions will be asked by the

previously abused, as well as by those (who have suffered

little or no abuse) in relationship with the previously abused.

This is because abuse affects everyone.

Therefore, the goal must be something greater than

ourselves, greater than the solution of our own hurt feelings.

Since the problem is obviously farther-reaching than our

own personal damage, the goal of recovery must therefore

reach beyond ourselves, touching not only ourselves, but all

those around us as well.

For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so

through Christ our comfort also overflows.

2 Corinthians 1:5 HCSB

Could it be that God intends that our suffering of abuse

should lead to blessings upon others, as God's comfort to

ourselves overflows into the lives of others, particularly to

those whom we love? Shall this not therefore be our goal?

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The Essential Acknowledgment

I believe that there is one essential acknowledgment

that each of us needs to make, before we can discover the

answers to the deep questions that represent our

interpersonal difficulties. Do you face difficulties in your

relationship with someone you love? Is someone, who

should be open with you, withholding themselves? Is your

child keeping secrets? Does your husband seem aloof or

disinterested? Is your wife seemingly unhappy in her

marriage to you? And do you have a short list in your mind

of offenses committed against yourself by this person? Then

there is an acknowledgment you must make before things

can get on the right track, that acknowledgment being:

I am the offender. I am the abuser.

This is the only path to recovery, and this is the only

path to a full and happy life, loving and being loved by those

around you.

Now please do not mistake what I am saying. I am not

saying that when someone abused you, it was your fault. I

am not saying that if a husband strikes his wife, then she

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must have had it coming. Please! This is not what I am

saying. What I am saying is this:

An unfortunate yet unavoidable element of

human nature, intrinsic within each and every

one of us, is the capacity and propensity to be

abusive to others, and it is therefore likely that

each of us has, consciously or otherwise, been

abusive.

The Bible calls it our sin nature. It is part of the old

manthe person you were before Christ came into your life

and made all things new.

You see, just because you have been the victim of abuse,

doesn't mean you've never been abusive. In fact, looking at it

objectively, whom among us has seen a case of extreme

abuse wherein it is not discovered that the perpetrator had

been abused as a child? If anything, the evidence would

support the notion that the abused have a higher likelihood

of becoming the abuser.

This requires humility on our part, leading to things

like asking for forgivenessthings we don't like to

contemplate, especially if we perceive ourselves to be the

victim! It seems all backwards, doesn't it?

The point here is not that the tables are exactly

reversed, as though you are the only one being abusive and

no one else is abusing you. Rather, in admitting to yourself,

I am the abuser, you are simply willing to admit that

everyone is abusive at some point, to some extent, and I am

not exempt from this conviction. Only by this admission are

we able to arrive at an objective and truthful assessment of

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our interpersonal difficulties. And if we do not arrive at an

objective and truthful assessment of our interpersonal

difficulties, then what do we have? We have a subjective and

biased assessment of our interpersonal difficulties. We are

living a lie. Too many people live in this myopic, imaginary

world, ever cognizant of the offenses of others, but never

seeing their own offenses to others.

Indeed, without making the essential acknowledgment,

we are never able to honestly ask of ourselves, What part do

I have in this? What might I be doing wrong?

If we say, We have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8 HCSB

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Is the World your Courtroom?

Were you abused as a child? Do you, as a result, see

issues of personal abuse from a broader perspective than

most others? You might, then, find it important to nip signs

of impending abuse in the bud, before they have a chance to

develop. But here's what your loved ones might like to say to

you, the previously abused:

I am not the one who abused you. Someone else did

that, but you seem now bent on exacting justice in this

current circumstance, based on some principle, which I find

only marginally applicable. For though I perceive that you

are deeply hurt, the level of your pain is not consonant with

the magnitude of my offense, and it is thus clear to me that

my repentance will not suffice in quelling the pain of your

injury.

Those who have suffered abuse, no matter how long

ago, have a choice to make: You can choose, knowing better

than most what is right and wrong, to draw the lines for

everyone else, and hold them to a standard of behavior or

you can choose to take life as it comes, receiving love,

blessings, along with challenges and difficulties as they

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come. The former is safe. It will protect you from harm. It

will not bless anyone. It gives nothing. It especially imparts

no grace or love. It only calls others to account. The latter,

however, gives space for others to find their place in the

cosmos, their place among others, and their place before

God. In the former, you are the victim, and the world is your

courtroom. In the latter, you are not the victim. You have

left the courtroom, regardless of whether justice was served,

regardless of whether you received just recompense from

your adversary. You, nonetheless, have emerged triumphant

over your trial and the anguish of your abuse. You are now

equipped to bless others with grace and love, irrespective of

their behavior toward you. You now have the power and the

resource to do this as you please, according to your pleasure.

See, as long as you are the victim, you are also the

judge, and your sensibilities therefore prohibit you from

cutting them some slack in any given circumstance. See, it

is hard for a judge to forgive, for he must uphold the law.

That's his job. And if you see the world around you as a

courtroom, then you may not realize it, but you are setting

yourself up as the judge. You might think of yourself as the

victim, but you are also the judge, and this reality does not

escape the unconscious notice of others. They will eventually

come to the conclusion that you are judgmental. They may

know nothing of your own personal history. They may not

know anything of the abuse you have suffered. But they will

know that you seem rather judgmental, drawing decisive

conclusions that seem far-reaching and non-intuitive to

those without your own personal experience. You will feel

increasingly alienated from those who just don't seem to get

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it, and you will begin to feel the aloneness that every judge

experiences.

On the other hand, you might have transitioned out of

victimhood at one time. You might now say, No, I am no

longer a victim. I know right from wrong, and I know what

was wrong, and I know now how to avoid it. But do you still

face the prospect of abuse? Now that the danger has passed

(for it is in your past) are you nonetheless vigilant in its

prevention? Then you are still in the courtroom and you are

now the judge, and everyone around you are defendants.

They are all on trial, though they love you, and you love

them. Is the tension not obvious?

Will your past ruin your future?

You decide. The choice is yours. You can choose to

remain a victim; or you can renounce your victimhood and

seat yourself as judge. Either way, you choose to make the

world your courtroom, and every action of every other

person comes under judgment. In this case, your past will

surely ruin your future; and if not yours, then it will at least

wreck the lives of everyone who invests themselves in a

relationship with you.

Or you can choose to leave the courtroom. Whether

justice was or was not served must therefore become a

simple matter of objective recorded history. Either way, you

must put it to rest. Perhaps it shall remain just another

testament to the failings of mankind. There's nothing really

surprising here, given the record of the failings of man, God's

fallen creation. This is the point at which some validity is

imparted to the noxious sentiment expressed by those who

say, Can't you just get over it and move on? The one who

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says this surely lacks understanding of your affliction, surely

has no idea how deep the wounds have cut, and probably

wishes there could be a short cut or fast track to your

recovery. He may be selfishly motivated, not wanting to

invest himself into the deep and lengthy process of your

recovery. His question is, nonetheless, the required end

game. You must, in fact, eventually get over it, and move

on. The only problem is that some thingsparticularly

child abuseare exceedingly difficult to get over.

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Living in the Now

Why do the twelve step programs talk about living in

the now? I believe it is because there is an imperative

mandate from God, Himself, to do so!

Look at the birds of the sky: They dont sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Arent you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height [Or add one moment to his life-span] by worrying?

Therefore dont worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:26, 27, 34 HCSB

Those are the words of Jesus.

Right now, whether we like it or not, now is happening.

People who struggle with living in the now are the ones

who just don't know what to do with it. You might be stuck

in the past, or you might be lost in concern for the future, but

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the hard, cold reality is this: right now is right now. It's

what's happening. Furthermore, though past events surely

can effect the future, there is no more powerful effector of

your future than what you do with your now, right now. If

you put this book down right now, then you will not have

read any further ten minutes from now. If you read on, then

in the future, you will have read it. Pretty simple stuff, huh?

This is one major reason that it's important to live in

the nowbecause properly handling your now is how you

make your future what you want it to be, not by fixing your

past, which you cannot change.

But here's the counterintuitive part: sometimes it's

better to disregard the futureto take a break from itin

order to improve or enhance it. If you were abused as a

child, you probably have few fond memories of the past.

Your present, which was your future back then, would be

better today had you had a better experience then, which at

that time was your now. Likewise, today your future will be

improved if you could get some of those fond memories

which you currently lack, wouldn't it? But you cannot get

them, no matter how hard you try, by fixing the past, for the

past cannot be changed. You can't fix it.

See, the way you get fond memories (and thus enhance

your future) is by making them NOW. But if you are

unable to live in the now, you'll likely waste all of your now

on efforts to fix your past and build your future, and it won't

work.

You can only create fond memories now.

Now is the time for making memories.

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Everyone wants a happy and good future, and

sometimes it is proper and fitting to plan ahead. If winter is

coming (which it always does), for instance, then now might

be a good time to chop firewood. But many of us get so

fixated on next winter that we never seize the opportunity to

enjoy this summer, which is also an opportunity that can be

missed (the enjoying part). If all you do all summer is chop

firewood, then you will not be able to look back next winter

on the good times you had at the lake last summer,

swimming or barbecuing.

And neither will your loved ones, because you weren't

there. Okay, maybe you were there physically, but were you

there mentally or spiritually? Were you living in the now, or

were you chopping firewood the whole time everyone else

was having a good time? If this is you, then guess what No

one will be able next winter to look back on the good times

you shared at the lake last summer; because you didn't share

them. You were chopping firewood instead.

And what is it that drives you to chop firewood when

everyone around you is enjoying the now? Ten bucks says

it's your past. Is your past ruining your future? Your three

and a half cords of neatly stacked splits out back might speak

to this. Note also that you can (indeed, you must) do both.

It's a matter of balance. You must enjoy life in the now, and

chop firewood in preparation for next winter. There is a

time for everything, and everything has its time

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

So if the problem is that your life appears to have been

ruined by your past, and your future looks bleak as a result,

then why attempt to enhance your future by somehow fixing

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your past, which cannot be fixed? We do this, I believe,

because of misplaced regret. We regret our past, and we

think, If I had done this or that, then things would be better

today. Therefore I will do that or this now, so that my future

will be better. When we think this way, we are not living in

the now. We fail to simply relax and enjoy the moment,

those with us sense our absence, and there will be no fond

memory of this current experience. Not only is this regret

misplaced, for our past was not our responsibility, but it

drives us into a persistent mode of thought which serves only

to remove us from the now, thus removing us from our loved

ones. Misplaced regret is a mental habit which must be

broken if we are to stop our past from ruining our future.

If, on the other hand, you have regrets about things you

did wrong in your past which were your responsibility, then

that is a different matter. This kind of regret is useful in

bringing us to brokenness before God in light of our own

sinfulness. This kind of regret leads us to repentance, and it

leads us to ask for (and hopefully receive) forgiveness from

those we have sinned against. This kind of regret also

prevents us from living in the now, but it does so rightly,

while offering to us a clear, obvious, and simple path to

recoverynamely, repentance.

God's primary call to a lost humanity is simple and

straight forward: Repent, and be saved from the

consequences of your sin (John 1:23, Acts 2:38, Luke 13:5).

If, therefore, we find ourselves unable to enjoy the moment

(to live in the now) because our conscience is convicted that

we have done wrong, we should see this as a gift, for this is

none other than God's Spirit speaking to our hearts (1

Thessalonians 1:5). And if this is the reason you cannot live

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in the now, then the solution is easy: repentance is all that is

needed. Amazingly, one product of repentance is the

dissolution of regret. Having repented, and having been

restored, we can say, I no longer have the regrets I once had,

and I can now simply enjoy the moment. I can live in the

now, and I will look back on this day with a fond memory of

it.

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A Case for Humor

Some who suffered an abusive childhood use humor as

a coping mechanism. Some become professional comedians.

Others simply turn every life situation into a joke, which is

just a thin veneer covering their deep cynicism.

A more common (and perhaps more honest) response

to childhood abuse manifests as a reduced or nonexistent

sense of humor. Humor is a thing you enjoy in the moment.

But for the child living in an abusive environment, there may

never be a now. This is what child abuse robs children of,

for it fills their minds with reflections of the past and

concerns for the future. The abused child never is able to

relax, for his existence has no security, no opportunity to just

relax and enjoy the moment. Perhaps you can identify with

this.

Do you find yourself annoyed by your friends'

propensity to laugh in the face of a serious situation? Is

humor an alien science or art to you? Are you unable to

enjoy the irony of a situation that failed to unfold as planned

or expected? Do your friends observe that, though you are a

loving and kind person, you can sometimes be rigid,

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unyielding, inflexible, or unforgiving? Perhaps you have

made the world your courtroom, for one thing we don't often

see is the judge acknowledging or making jokes.

Many have commented on the value of humor for a

healthy life, but clearly, for the abused seeking restitution,

there is no room for humor. Could it be that those who lack

a sense of humor do so because they are more intent on

restitution than they are on simply enjoying life with those

whom they love? Could your lack of humor be a carryover

from old habits, from a life that was treacherous, whereas

your life now is not so treacherous, though the habit of

seriousness persists? This is another way that your past can

ruin your future, if you let it.

Why do we have a romantic picture in our minds of two

lovers laughing together? It is because we know intuitively

that if they are laughing, then they are happyat least in the

moment. Now, we could wax sober and question whether

these lovers are really happy deep down. We could question

the deep, underlying quality of their relationship, or of the

true quality of their lives, and we could cynically comment,

I'll bet their lives aren't really that great. We could even

decide that they are probably just putting on a showand we

might be correct.

But we might be wrong. What we do know is this:

Right now, in this moment, they are enjoying each other, and

they are enjoying themselves.

Please consider that this scene could never happen if

either of these lovers had no sense of humor.

I am the abuser, admitted the man who could not

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laugh. In my quest to set the world straight on the things

that really matter, I have deprived my wife and children of

the joy of ever laughing with me. I have never allowed

myself to simply enjoy the 'now,' and thus I have deprived

my loved ones of the same experience.

What I am saying is this: Humor is essential to human

happiness, and every one of us therefore has a moral

obligation to develop our own sense of humor. Our refusal to

do so is tantamount to abuse of those we love. Furthermore,

a lack of humor in your life, and in your relationships is

likely indicative of your past ruining your future. You might

not think that ruin is taking place, but if you lack humor,

then something has been ruined, and something is being

ruined.

There is nothing better for man than to eat, drink, andenjoy his work. I have seen that even this is from Gods hand, because who can eat and who can enjoy life apart from Him?

For to the man who is pleasing in His sight, He gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy, but to the sinner He gives the task of gathering and accumulating in order to give to the one who is pleasing in Gods sight.

This too is futile and a pursuit of the wind.

Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 HCSB

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Cause and E'ect: E'ect, or Cause?

I find it interesting that central to our development

from childhood into adult functionalitycentral to our

development as intelligent personsis our learned ability to

discern cause from effect in the world around us. If we are

unable to figure out what action causes which effect, we will

go through life like a bull in a china shop, wondering what

this continuous sound of breaking glass is all about,

wondering why all these people don't understand us, etc.,

etc.

But even more interesting to me is our tendency toward

pride in having figured it out, and how that pride serves to

fixate us on a mode of thought, effectively limiting our

development by locking us into our own self-made cage of

causality.

What I'm driving at is that once we understand a given

causal relationship between two situations or phenomena,

we tend to get locked into a steadfast belief that because A

causes B, then...

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1. If we observe A, then B will likely follow.

2. If we observe B, then A likely previously occurred.

3. If we observe A, then B was not its cause.

4. It is useless to try to use B in order to achieve A.

As I will explain, 1 and 2 are reasonable assertions, but

3 and 4 are not necessarily true, though they may seem

obviously true to our conventional thinking.

See, we tend to see causalities as being strictly

unidirectional, whereas upon closer inspection it is not at all

uncommon to discover a counterintuitive bidirectionality. In

other words, what we think is a one-way cause and effect,

can often work backwards, or be a two-way street. Often this

is really because neither causes the other, but they are both

symptoms of a third hidden cause.

For example, I discovered in my early twenties this

most fascinating bidirectionality: I was playing racquetball

regularly, and I observed that when I began to lose a game

that I thought I should be winning, my attitude would begin

to degrade, causing my demeanor to fall, causing my wits

and skill to go downhill, causing me to lose even more

miserably. It was a death-spiral of causal responses, the only

intuitive solution (given the causalities involved) being to

not begin to lose to begin with.

Then I made a discovery. What I found was that if I

pasted a smile on my facewhether I felt like it or notmy

demeanor somehow improved, my wits and skill returned,

and I began winning gamesall because I smiled. In other

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words, smiling during play improved my game. I think this

is significant. It is also noteworthy that smiling when I was

losing was not only counterintuitive. It also cut across the

grain of my will, for I did not want to do it! I had to swallow

my pride and train myself, over and over again, to smile and

make happy each time I lost a point in the game.

And what was the goal?

The goal was to win more games, but ultimately the

goal was being happy about winning. Oddly enough, I

discovered that the shortest path to the ultimate goal was to

circumvent the intermediate. See the irony? I thought, If I

win more games, I will be happier, but in the end I learned

that, If I'm happier, I will win more games. This was a

landmark experience for me. What I learned at that time

was this:

You can make yourself happier by acting happy.

Call it denial; call it faking it; call it whatever you

want, but you cannot deny the reality of it. It works,

and I have experiential proof.

But what was really going on there? Was losing the

game the real cause of my unhappiness? No, the reason that

the causality worked backwards was that losing was not, in

fact, the real cause of my unhappiness. There was a third,

hidden cause going on, namely, my own response to losing,

which was a choice I was making. But when I made the

choice not to be unhappy about losing a point, everything

turned around. I had more power than I thought over my

own happiness, as there was a choice that I was making.

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The experience of having suffered abuse causes

unhappiness. This is an indisputable truth. Every victim can

rightly say, Because I was abused, I am unhappy. The

obvious path to happiness, then, is to somehow remove or

revoke the effects of the abuse, so that happiness can be

restored. This is intuitively obvious, given the apparent

causalities involved. But I would like to make a suggestion: I

suggest that the causalities can be bidirectional, thus I assert

that

If happiness is somehow restored, it can revoke and

remove the effects of the abuse.

If you are one who suffered abuse in the past, you may

be living with daily painful reminders of why you are

unhappy today. It is likely that friends, coworkers, and

family members seemingly dish up these reminders non-

stop. And, knowing that it is your past abuse that causes

your present unhappiness, you might think, If only I hadn't

suffered such abuse. If only God had given me a decent

childhood, then I would likely be happy today.

If this is you, then I believe you should seriously

consider the possibilities and the power of bidirectional

causalities: that purposefully finding happiness today can

cause your past abuse to loose its grip on you.

Must your Past Ruin your Future, Really?

I will repeat what I said previously: If your fractured

past, over which you had no control, must ruin your future,

then God is surely a cruel being. It must logically follow

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then, that if God is good, then we are notwe must not be

bound to a ruined future due to our past.

If you do not believe in God, then you're on your own in

your quest for a fulfilled life. As for me, that prospect is

simply untenable, for I cannot imagine the prospect of

navigating the turbulent waters of life without the help of His

benevolent hand. And since I have decided to accept as valid

the presupposition that God is good, then I have at least the

opportunity to receive the benefits of causalities which are

non-obvious or counterintuitive to myselfif, in fact, they

exist. My racquetball experience stands as a small yet

significant indicator that these reverse causalities do, in

fact, exist.

If, then, I am to find happiness in the wake of abuse, I

conclude that it will likely come to me through counter-

intuitive or non-obvious ways. In other words, my path to

happiness will not be something that I conceived or designed

all by myself. It will not come as a result of my careful

planning and control. I therefore cannot escape the fact that

my own pride likely stands in the way of my happiness, for

counterintuitive ideas can only enter my mind from outside;

from the voices of others; from the voice of God, Himself.

I know, Lord,

that a mans way of life is not his own;

no one who walks determines his own steps.

Jeremiah 10:23 HCSB

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The Main Issue: Control

So here's the problem: for those who were abused as

children, control is now the main issue in life. One thing

every abused child learns is that what they need in life, more

than anything else, is control over their environment. Every

kid grows up looking forward to having complete control

over his own life, but normally control is an issue of

convenience, not survival. For the abused child, however,

control is an issue of survival. If they cannot control their

environment, then they will surely die, sooner or later. Is it

any wonder, then, that an abused boy will likely grow up to

be a tyrant? Is it any wonder that an abused girl will not be

able to submit herself to her husband, as the Bible says she

should?

These are examples of how your past, if you let it, will

ruin your future. The abused boy grows up knowing that in

order to assure his own safety, he must maintain control over

his environment, which includes the activities and behaviors

of those around him, including his wife and children. He has

learned to regard his own survival as essential (which it is),

but he lacks balance in his threat assessment mechanism. As

a result, activities of others that fall outside his preconceived

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plan pose as threats to his sense of control, which

automatically indicate the possibility of life-threatening

forces. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, but I think this is real.

Consequently, the man becomes a controlling tyrant, and his

past ruins his future, along with the futures of his wife and

children.

Similarly, the abused girl grows up to be a woman who

finds it impossible to submit her will to that of her husband,

for who knows to what destructive ends that might lead?

The last time she was submitted to the will of a man (who

also implicitly claimed to love her) she was abused. Over the

years of marriage, her husband's failures each have served to

bolster her need for control, whereas his successes may be

relegated to a list of insignificant non-offenses. As long as

she maintains her need for control, her past continues to

ruin her future, along with the futures of her husband and

children.

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Faith, A'liction, and Healing

Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof

of what is not seen.

Hebrews 11:1 HCSB

Daughter, He said to her, your faith has made you

well. Go in peace and be free from your affliction.

Mark 5:34 HCSB

Take a look at the first sentence up there: This is the

Word of God speaking; God is the one saying this... faith is

the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not

seen. Let His words sink deep into your mind.

Do you long for a better lifea happier lifethan you

have had? Is this life something you can maybe visualize,

but only wish you could make real? And have you been

unable thus far, no matter how hard you try, to bring your

vision of happiness to fruitionto reality?

Our natural tendency, of course, is to try to realize our

vision of happiness which we hope for through control of our

circumstances. God's statement about what we hope for,

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however, doesn't mention control. According to God, the

reality of what we hope for is faith, not control. Note also

this subtle distinction: We think that control will lead to, or

result in, our realization of what we hope for, but according

to God, faith IS the reality of what we hope for. It already

is!

By the way... You want proof? Look at your faith.

There it is: proof. No faith, no proof.

But of course faith is a two-way dynamic, hence our

own vision of our happy life might well be inaccurate in its

details, so an essential part of faith is in our leaving the

details to God (i.e., releasing our own control).

To you, the previously abused, it's probable that your

loved ones wish only to say, We know you were abused in

the past, and we wish only to offer to you a better

environment; a healthy environment; a safe place to live.

And to you, the previously abused, one of your loved

ones might be saying, For years, now, I have been trying

tirelessly to provide a safe environment for you, even though

at times I have voiced my own wants and desires. But I

never have wanted my needs to come at a cost of damage to

yourself, though it seems you have interpreted my intentions

that way.

But as Christians we understand that we do not control

our own salvation or our recovery from the consequences of

sin. We don't find approval with God by our own strength,

nor by our own good works. No, we find salvation through

faith. It is by grace, through faith, that we are saved

(Ephesians 2:8, Romans 11:6). And I would assert that,

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similarly, it is through faith that our interpersonal

relationships are repaired and preserved. Everyone agrees,

for instance, that a marriage devoid of trust is a marriage

doomed.

What the previously abused husbandthe controlling

tyrant husbandneeds to do is trust. He needs to stop trying

to control the outcomes, and trust in God, his wife, and his

children to find their own way, and he needs to trust that

they do, in fact, have his interests in mind, leaving the

outcomes to God, in faith.

Likewise, the previously abused wife needs to trust.

She needs to stop trying to control the outcomes, and trust in

God, her husband, and her children to find their own way,

and she needs to trust that they do, in fact, have her interests

in mind, leaving the outcomes to God, in faith.

Were you abused as a child? If so, then you have an

affliction. You must see it as this. You have an affliction, and

all of your loved ones know this, for it affects their lives daily.

But your past doesn't have to ruin your future, nor must it

ruin the futures of all those whom you love. If you let it, it

will ruin your future, to be sure, but the choice is yours.

Those who love you are powerless to change the situation, for

it is a choice that is up to you, you alone, for it is a matter of

faithyour faith, not theirs.

Daughter, He said to her, your faith has made you

well. Go in peace and be free from your affliction.

Mark 5:34 HCSB

In faith, you can be free from your affliction. And your

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loved ones can be freed, at the same time, from your

affliction. In the absence of your faith, we are all afflicted,

but through your faith, we are all freed from the affliction of

your abuse.

And is not faith the pivotal issue for each and every one

of us? Herein lies the grand exposition of the amazing,

immense, inestimable power of faith for every individual!

We need to know that our faith (or lack thereof) is the

determinant effector of more lives than just our own. Your

faith determines the outcome and quality of life not only for

yourself, but for all who are connected to you. Let us see this

as an awesome responsibility, conferred to us by God,

Himself.

Is it therefore incongruous in any way to understand

that faith is the determinant effector of our salvation and

restoration from the consequences of sin? God's grace surely

stands, but there is a required response of faith from

ourselves in order to actualize His grace to effect our

salvation, and even that faith is a gift from God.

For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is Gods giftnot from works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8,9 HCSB

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seekhim.Hebrews 11:6 NIV

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People are Waiting

For the previously abused, there may be a framework of

grace presented to you by your loved ones, and if that

framework exists, they are waiting. They are waiting for your

expression of faith. Your loved ones are patiently awaiting

your release of control over your environmentyour

expression of faith: faith in them, and faith in God.

But if you persist in being the victim (of a crime not

committed by them) and thus, the judge (continually calling

them to account for someone else's crimes), then you exhibit

no faith, thus they continue to wait. They are waiting. You

see, it might be your pride that prevents you from expressing

said faith. You know right from wrong. You know every

infraction, and you can indict them all, for of course they

have each failed somewhere along the line.

I wonder how many benevolent husbands would plead

to their wives, I understand that your upbringing was

dangerous, potentially destructive, and risk-filled, but I have

planned and determined to 'take you away from all that' and

give you a safe place to live.

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But will you avail yourself of this improved

environment? No, for the risk of destruction is too great. In

your pride, knowing the causalities, you have determined

that the risk is too great to allow for faith in the good will of

your husband. He is thus frustrated, for his only desire is

your happiness, which seems simply unattainable. If you are

still married, he is waiting, but meanwhile your past has

successfully ruined your future, and his, as well.

I wonder how many loving wives would plead to their

husbands, I really only want your happiness, but your need

to control my behavior is only destructive to our relationship,

for it completely disregards any acknowledgment of my good

intentions while robbing me of my personal dignity.

But will you then maintain your death grip of control

over your household, refusing to acknowledge that you are

choking the life out of those under your own roof? Yes, for

the risk of embarrassment and shame is too great, should

they misbehave or misspeak. In your pride, knowing the

causalities, you have determined that the risk is too great to

allow your wife to make her own decisions. She is thus

frustrated, for though she loves you, you are robbing her of

her own sense of identity. If you are still married, she is

waiting, but meanwhile your past has successfully ruined

your future, and hers, as well.

But the choice is yours. You decide. Will your past ruin

your future? You may believe that the answer is up to the

actions of others, but you are mistaken. You decide, and no

-41-

one can make the decision for you. It is up to you. Mean-

while those around you are waiting.

And God is waiting, too, for all of us to avail ourselves

of His grace and provision.

Therefore the LORD is waiting to show you mercy,

and is rising up to show you compassion,

for the LORD is a just God.

All who wait patiently for Him are happy.

(Isaiah 30:18) HCSB

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Some Possible First Steps

I have here some suggestions of what you can do get on

the road to recovery from past abuse. Now, you might be

thinking, My abuse happened a long time ago, and I have

long since fully recovered, else I wouldn't still be here. But

are you truly happyaside from any reference to your past?

Are you happy and content today, or do you face difficulties

in your interpersonal relationships? If so, then you might

consider these assertions of mine. They are my opinions:

As sinners saved by grace, every last one of us is in

need of recoveryrecovery from the damages of past

sinnot only our own, but from the sins of others

committed against us as well.

The pathway of recovery is as varied and individually

distinct for each of us as is our own unique life story.

Therefore it is wrong for us to impose our own

convictions upon the hearts and minds of others.

The goal for each of us must only be to become whole

ourselves, not to make others whole. With God's help,

we can fix ourselves (actually, God does the fixing),

but God has not called us to fix others.

-43-

In light of these assertions, a similarity comes to light

between the damaging effects of personal abuse and the

damaging effects of alcohol or drug addiction. They are

strikingly similar afflictions, and interestingly, the same

course of recovery is effective for both cases. I therefore

would suggest that anyone interested in overcoming the

stronghold of childhood or past abuse should, as a first step,

get in touch with any of the various recovery programs that

are out there. Say to a counselor, I do not have a substance

addiction, but I am seeking recovery from my past history of

personal abuse. If he says he thinks he can help, then he

probably can, especially since the root causes of addiction

often are found in a history of personal abuse.

For music lovers, I can personally recommend a

website: www.radiorehab.com, which is an expansion of

the now traditional twelve-step program, with an emphasis

on faith in Jesus Christ.

Note, also, that recovery takes time, not only in the

sense that it won't happen immediately, but more

importantly this: you must be willing to devote some time to

the process, almost daily. Yes, urgent things might go

unaddressed. But are they important, or simply urgent? You

must be willing to consider your recovery more important

than the urgent things. Most husbands, given the prospect of

gaining intimacy with their wives, wouldn't give a rip about

some dirty dishes. And most wives would care less about the

bank balance than whether they might get a weekend

walking hand-in-hand with a husband who seems just happy

to be with themin the moment.

Here's a suggestion for anyone wondering if they have

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been complicit in the ruination of the future of themselves or

others: Ask a loved oneyour wife, your husband, or your

adult childone of the following questions. You may need to

emphasize that you seek a perfectly frank and honest answer,

since they might well have adopted the habit of telling you

what they believe you want to hear, rather than the blunt and

naked truth

1. Do you think I am more judgmental than the average

person?

2. Has there ever been anything you felt you could not

share with menot because of personal

embarrassmentbut because you feared or loathed

my predicted reaction?

3. Do you think I have a good sense of humor, or could I

maybe take life a little more lightheartedly?

4. Do you ever observe that I seem to get overly offended

by someone else's behavior, that you would simply

pass off as thoughtless or knuckle headed?

This is important: Ask them for a simple yes or no

answer. Don't make it into a discussion. Tell them you just

want a yes or no, and that you're going to go away and think

about their answer. And you must promise them no

repercussions to their answer, else they may not answer you

honestly.

Note that these questions do not beg an answer that

amounts to a summary statement. This is key, and you must

understand the importance of this! You do not ask your

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husband, Do you think I'm a good wife? You do not ask

your child, Do you think I'm a good parent? Questions like

these put an awful burden on the recipients, for they might

well be confronted with the dilemma of whether to be honest

or kind. You are therefore likely to get an irrelevant answer,

just like the wife who asks, Do these pants make me look

fat? Everyone knows what the right answer is, and it has

nothing to do with truth!

And why is that? Why does the objective truth not

matter in these cases? It is because love trumps objective

truth. And is this not the case in our own relationship with

God, in Christ? Yes, the objective truth bears witness to our

own sinfulness, along with every historical transgression, but

God's love says, No, you are not rotten, you are not suitable

for, and thus destined for, hell. Because I love you, you are

beautiful in my sight.

So the purpose of questions 1 through 4 is not to arrive

at a judgment of your character. No, the purpose of these

questions is to help you on your personal journey to

complete recovery. They are posed simply to give you some

microscopic clues as to how to proceed. In asking them, you

are seeking information, not approval. Most likely, in the

moment you are asking these questions, you already have

their approval, and they will be happy just to hear you asking

them.

At this point we come to a habit which, if you have it,

you must break. A common thread amongst those who grew

up in an abusive environment is this: lack of approval. Some

may have grown up hearing from their parent, You're

stupid, or, You're irresponsible. These individuals might

-46-

carry into adulthood an internal audio tape of this summary

statement that plays itself every time someone voices

disapproval toward them on any level, no matter how small.

If this is you, then unless you find a way to shut off the tape,

you will forever be intolerant of anyone who disagrees with

you on any level, no matter how small or how detailed. If

you don't break this habit, your past will ruin your future,

and it won't be their fault, it will be yours. The tape is in

your head, not theirs.

Realize that your inability or unwillingness to shut off

the tape will eventually make you into a narcissist. Anyone

who disagrees with you becomes your most vehement

adversary. They simply disagreed with you on some point,

but in your mind you heard them say, You're stupid, or

You're irresponsible. They didn't say it, but you heard it.

What else have you heard, over the years, that they never

said? Has your past ruined your future?

If you let the tape play, it will lead you into sin

particularly the sin of bearing false witness, and of accusing

an innocent person of wrong doing. For your sake and for

theirs, you must shut off the tape.

I would like to offer this prayer as a means of defeating

the old tape reel. Of course, you must substitute the

appropriate names of your abusers where they apply:

Dear God:

Strengthen me, I pray, to resist listening to old voices of my

past, which I know were invalid then, and do not apply to

me today. In faith today I make this proclamation to my

loved ones:

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'I will not call you to account for [my parents']

shortcomings. I will not presume that you are complicit

with [my dad's] abusive behavior toward me. And if I do, I

pray that God will quickly show me my sin, that I may

quickly repent.'

Yes, Lord, it is sin for me to call someone to account for

someone else's crimeit is false accusation, and I don't

want anything to do with that. Help me, Lord, to stop

seeking restitution from those who have not damaged me.

Give me strength, Lord, to leave the court room in

triumph, regardless of whether justice was served, even as

Jesus endured unjust punishment at the cross, yet rose

again not to call judgment upon me, but to redeem me to

Himself.

And help me, O Lord, to forgive even those who have

damaged me, even as Jesus, on the cross, forgave those

who scourged Him unto death.

O Lord, I take my sense of self worth from You, and You

only. Let me not derive my own worth from the comments

and opinions of others, but let me be entreatable to their

criticisms when they are valid. Let me be not proud, but

humble before God and men. Let me find my strength in

You, Lord, as I release control of my circumstances into

your hands.

Father, I understand that you have placed in me a new

heart; that I am a new creation. Now, Lord, strengthen me

to be involved and fully engaged in your renewing of my

mind. Give me an appropriate sense of humor, that I may

laugh with those who are joyful. Place in me a right spirit,

O Lord, that I may go forth and be a light to others, and a

blessing to those whom I love and those who love me.

Help me, O God, to get over it, and move on.

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Thank you, God, for the next good thing you are about to

do with my heart and mind. I offer them up to you, for

your will, O God, is better than mine.

Amen.

So may it be. May the Lord shine the light of His

goodness into your heart. May He, in response to your faith,

heal you and thus free you from your affliction of past abuse.

May your future be better than your past, and each day, may

your face shine brighter with His reflection than the day

before.

And may your loved ones be daily blessed by the

transforming work which God is doing in you. For as the

sufferings of Christ have overflowed to you, so through

Christ may your comfort also overflow to them.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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