I’ve been overwhelmed by the positive response we’ve had to our new family newsletter. Thanks to everyone who has contacted us to say how much they enjoyed the first issue - that is so encouraging. Keep your feedback and story ideas coming.

“Your Family, Your Faith” was officially launched at the Archbishop’s Residence on May 16. The event was well attended and a great success.

As I said at the launch, ask anyone what is the most important thing in their life, and they will say their family. While the lines between home and work are increasingly blurred, we need to remember we are parents first and workers second. While I married late in life, and had to go to France to find a husband, creating a family with him has brought me joy and meaning I never knew before.

Parenting is tough, there’s no denying it, but there are so many small but joy-filled moments aren’t there? Like having my little boys offer me mascara and blusher as I emerge from my after-work shower, even though I tell them, day after day, that Maman only wears makeup in the morning. Maybe they are telling me something!

The heroes of Australia are its Mums and Dads, so let’s remind ourselves what a great job we’re doing.

Best wishes from my family to yours,

Felicity de Fombelle

A PrinciPAl’s PersPective

by Angus Tulley

in tHis eDitiOnEducating Children .......................1

Guiding our Sons into Manhood .........................................2

No Room for Precious Darlings .3

Yelling at your Children ...............5

Feature Article ...............................7A Journey Across the Life Line

Why go to Mass? .............................8

I have had some wonderful mentors as a teacher. Often the learning has been done on the run and on the job. I spent many years as a Year Coordinator and was involved in interviews with parents and in many cases Principals and Assistant Principals.

One of the best lines I heard was from an Assistant Principal, who would tell the parents ‘if you believe half of what you hear at home about us, we will believe half of what we hear at school about you’. He wasn’t having a go at the students but rather encouraging

eDitOr’s nOte

Making it Meaningful

parents to not be so quick to judge and to come into schools with an open mind.

I often say to parents, teachers and students that what I’m interested in is the truth. As a Principal I’m not there to favour one party over another. This disposition can sometimes cause angst for those who see the world as black and white and shades of grey as signs of weakness.

I’ve also learned not to assume the outcome of interviews – obviously have an idea where things may

Continued over...

Your Family, Your FaithIssue Two

Why I am a full-time Mum ..........4

FeAture Article“

”

I have just finished reading “Your Family, Your Faith” from cover to cover. For the church and family life in 2011, it really hits the mark. I thought it was wonderful, a great publication. Everything that everyone said I could relate to. It’s not often that I sit down and read something cover to cover

Elizabeth, Goulburn mum-of-four

A DAD’s PersPective“GuiDinG Our sOns intO MAnHOOD” By Shawn van der Linden

This Facebook update from my friend really got me thinking about the importance of a father’s role in guiding his son into manhood.

It seems only yesterday that my oldest son Jack, who turns eight this year, was born. Since then it’s been more about trying to survive the sleep deprived, time poor and chaotic life that is parenting, rather than thinking directly about my fathering role.

However, I can see it’s time now to start being more intentional or explicit about the specific role I have in raising Jack. What might that look like? And what place might our faith in God have?

A first step, and half the battle for fathers when it comes to raising boys, is just being there, which involves one on one time with your son.

The latest thing I am trying, is taking it in turns with my two oldest children to go out each fortnight for breakfast before work. This is particularly important for Jack, who needs the focused presence and time with dad so he can, as Michael Grose says, “download the software required to be male.”

I am not by any means perfect at providing quality time to my children. They have already given me feedback that the breakfasts would be even better without my work iPhone!

A second step is practically planning those important times of life transition for your son, such as the onset of puberty, high school graduation and getting a driver’s licence.

How do we inject a sense of ceremony and deeper meaning about the transition to manhood into these key

life events? To be blunt, it can feel pretty darn awkward, especially as our society places less value on the symbolic and spiritual.

As Pat reminded us in his Facebook update, those of us connected with the Catholic faith have a wonderful opportunity in the sacrament of Confirmation.

I love what Pat did with his son, but I guess it could even be something as simple as taking your son to a nice restaurant and letting him choose his meal, perhaps with other men, uncles or grandfathers.

Everyone will have a different approach, however American author Robert Lewis has identified the following key ingredients for success:

Employ the element of surprise,•

Make the experience Spiritual and •incorporate Symbols,

Include a blessing from Dad •(words of affirmation and encouragement),

Involve other men. •

It would be great to hear from dads on this topic. Email us at yourfamily@catholiclife.org.au

go, but for me, there have been too many occasions where something has come out of left field that has changed the whole nature of the interview with parents and their child. If those running interviews are too intent on a particular outcome, chances are they won’t actually be present to the others in the room.

Children do look to their parents for cues and for direction. If a parent has said to the child they are going in to sort out the teacher, chances are things will start badly. Children do need to feel they have been listened to by their parents but if they are in the wrong they need to own their behaviour and take the consequences.

Adults also need to be able to admit when they have made mistakes and look for ways to move forward. Sometimes when things are going nowhere in a meeting it is the adult who needs to articulate that they are sorry for what has happened. This can change the whole dynamic. It can also backfire big time! In lots of ways it depends on what people are really looking for when they try to resolve conflict. It shouldn’t be about egos or keeping score on past hurts.

Our children watch our every move and can mimic every word we speak when we are frustrated and angry. As hard as it may be, we need to model an approach that is respectful of others and open to forgiveness and compassion.

A PrinciPAl’s PersPective...continued from cover

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“ ”Our children watch our every move and mimic every word we speak

A MuM’s PersPective“nO rOOM FOr PreciOus DArlinGs” by Annabelle O’Connell

A time to chuckleA DrAWinG OF GODA kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She approached one little girl, who was working diligently, and asked her what the drawing was.

The little girl said: “I’m drawing God”.

The teacher paused and said. “But no one knows what God looks like”.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied: “They will in a minute”.

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Recently Pat’s Year group went on camp to Birrigai where it was predicted to be so cold as to snow, so I, in my wisdom, thought a pair of gloves might be in order. I have some gender non-specific yet colourful gloves that worked wonders in the UK 15 years ago, and Pat has the same size hand as me (!), so I suggested he try them for size.

“Well they fit but I’m not exactly….a fan of the…. pattern of them,” says Pat. He is a very tactful boy.

Hmmmm, methinks.

“Right. I’m telling you now…..(meaningful pause), that both of you…(slight pause while looking down my nose at them, as they were sitting down), will be wearing something one day that you don’t like the look of, but you need to be sensible about it. I’m going to make you. Okay?” I respond, perhaps a little forcefully and possibly unwisely.

Silence from both children.

Gracie was doing a play at school the other day, for which she took some strappy little pretty little sandaly things to wear. Well she’d be inside;

that was fine.

When I picked her up later from her art class, which she walks to from school, she was still wearing them; and had left her school shoes in her classroom. No problem with that – just surprised her toes weren’t black and falling off her feet from the cold. We’ll get to school early tomorrow and grab her shoes from her classroom. She can wear her joggers with her uniform until we get there.

“But what if someone sees me?!”

Yep. Definitely going to follow through with the above declaration – I will be forcing the un-groovy clothing item. I absolutely refuse to have ‘precious darlings’, especially in the way of appearances. It is said that you need to pick your battles - I am choosing to fight my children on this. Having said that, I do remember how it felt as a teenager not having ultra-trendy u-beaut mickey mouse clothes, especially going to a posh school in Wagga and being a bogan from Junee. And mum made me a dress once that I refused to wear because ‘it was too red’. I was 4.

I’m not going to make them look silly then parade them around Yass,

and I like to look presentable to the world myself. But as someone who, years ago, would ONLY wash my hair in a certain brand of shampoo and ONLY wear Levi jeans, that’s just ridiculous, when there are people living in cardboard boxes or less, and relying on the goodness of others for a decent meal. I’m thinking that if I start the ‘clothes’ battles now, well, continue them really, hopefully by teenagerhood they will have some sort of thoughts forming about priorities.

Not only do I want them to be mindful of those less fortunate than themselves, I also want them to be able to handle thoughts about what their peers might think of their appearance. I’m hopeful they will be confident enough to stand up for themselves (and where necessary, others) when challenged over such matters as what they’re wearing. There’s something Jesus said about ‘over all these things, put on love’ or ‘clothe yourselves in love’ – that’s what I want for Pat and Gracie.

Here’s to colourful, warm gloves, and comfortable joggers with a school uniform.

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1. You are a full-time Mum. How many children do you have?

I have two daughters, Sophia, 7 (Year One at St Bede’s) and Isabella, 5 (Preschool at Holy Trinity ELC).

2. Why are you a full-time Mum?

I am privileged to have the opportunity to raise my girls without the distraction of a career and to focus all my attention on them. I made a conscious decision when I had children that I would be devoted to raising them and saw this as an integral part of the commitment to having children.

I wanted to witness and be a part of all their milestones; to be there when they laughed and cried. They are small for such a short time and I wanted to be part of the journey in every way possible.

It is the hardest job in the world but the most fulfilling and rewarding.

3. Do you get asked ‘What do you do all day?’ How do you respond?

My brother, who lives in London, often jokes and asks ‘how is the holiday going’ . . . that does seem to capture the general attitude about full time mothers. There is certainly a negative connotation and stigma.

I don’t let that affect me. I am confident in knowing this is the best investment of my time, ensuring my children have the best possible opportunity to grow with all the stimulation and attention only a parent can provide.

You cannot change people’s attitudes by what you say. It is really your actions that demonstrate the value of being a full time mother, the outcome of course being ultimately in the character of your children as they grow into kind, confident and capable members of the community.

4. How do people react when you tell them you are a stay-at-home Mum?

I prefer the term, full time Mum. Stay at home Mum suggests that is what a woman does all day. Today’s full time Mum does a variety of social, academic and extra-curricular activities with her children. It is a full time job to keep up.

Some people are shocked, some think I’m crazy, others say I’m brave but most respect our decision, which is the best for us. My husband runs an international business and has always travelled overseas for work so it is important for us to have one parent with the children full-time.

5. What are the pros and cons of being a full time Mum?

The pros are being there for my children, being my own boss and being able to attend school activities like reading groups and assemblies. The cons are the lack of adult conversations that don’t relate to the children or their issues. Professionally, I feel a little ‘behind’ and wonder if I will easily fit back into my career once I decide to go back to full-time paid employment.

6. What were you doing before becoming a Mum? Do you miss it?

I have a Psychology/Law background and had an enjoyable but demanding job in the private sector, working long hours and travelling a lot. I sometimes miss the crazy stress and pressure of meeting deadlines, mentoring staff and decision making but then I do a lot of this at the family level!

7. Do you know many other full time Mums? Do you feel in the minority?

I know many happy, full time Mums. I only feel in the minority when I attend corporate or social events and people ask “What do you do?” You see them quickly turn to the next person as soon as you answer, “Full time Mum”!

8. Did you always plan to be a full time Mum?

No, not necessarily. I had a great job with the NSW Police and thought I would return one year after my first child was born. But as soon as I had her, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her.

9. How do you restore yourself?

I have to get better at this! When you don’t derive a regular income there is a sense of guilt spending money on yourself. I love

to have a massage to help me restore and relax. I also enjoy photography, playing the piano and horse riding with my kids.

10. Is life easier for full time Mums?

It is different for everyone. I love knowing this is the best job for me right now and that I will return to the paid workforce when both children are at school. In Sydney we had no real support group, although my Mums group was terrific. Isolation is not an issue for me now as my girls are older and we are in Canberra near my parents, some extended family and many friends.

“WHY i AM A Full-tiMe MuM”

Anna Carey with Sophia and Isabella

Meet Umbert the Unborn, the feisty comic strip character who demands respect. His mother’s womb is his private universe, playground and think-tank. Created in 2001, Umbert will be a regular feature of the newsletter

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uMbert tHe unbOrn

“YellinG At YOur kiDs”I really hadn’t meant to yell.

But the aftermath of it lay before me. My son was a wimpering mess on the floor and my daughter sat statue-like on the chair in front of me.

It occurred to me that I needed to do something quickly. The deafening sound of silence reminded all of us that an ugly moment had just occurred. And a voice inside me continued to insist that my kids were at fault.

“OK, you two, I’m sorry I yelled, what a dumb thing to do!” As I moved toward my son, it became evident he wanted no part of me. “Get away from me!” he shouted.

I thought better of telling him not to yell at me, so I did the only thing I could think of doing. “Crabby Dad is back,” I proclaimed as I transformed my hands into pincers and crawled in crab-like fashion towards them. “I love to yell at children, then eat them!”

My son continued to yell at me to go away, but now he was laughing and crying simultaneously. My mission to undo the damage my yelling had caused was underway. I’d been able to recover quickly this

time, but I knew the moment would be remembered. Most importantly, I wanted to remember what had happened. What happened was that I wasn’t disciplined. I failed to control my emotions in a way that my children could emulate.

Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely. Is there a part of me that wants to blame them and let them know how badly they were acting? No question. But this is the part of me that serves my ego. It shows my children how to avoid responsibility and blame others. It’s not my ‘best self’.

And it’s our best self which we must always search for with our children.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents, and they won’t get them. But they do need parents who strive to get better. I’m reminded of the words of Emerson, who said, “When a man lives with God, his voice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brook and the rustle of the corn.”

If we could speak to our kids with a voice this sweet, it would be enough. But until then, what should we do after we yell at our kids?

Here are five ideas

1. Recover quickly – Recovering emotionally (or faking it) will make it much easier on your children and show them how to be resilient themselves.

2. Apologise, but don’t overdo it – It’s important to say sorry, but don’t dwell on it or show signs of pity. This will just help create a victim of your child.

3. Avoid finding ways to blame them - It’s so easy to blame your kids when you’re angry. It’s OK to say, “When I saw you hit your brother I felt angry” but avoid saying, “You made me angry”. You’re responsible for your anger – teach this to your children.

4. Process the incident with them – Children can be traumatised by yelling, and it helps to talk about what happened for each of them. Ask them questions and allow them to talk about it if they’d like.

5. Don’t beat yourself up about it – You don’t have to envision your kids 20 years from now telling their therapist how you screwed up their life! Kids are pretty resilient and they’ll recover, especially if you follow these steps and keep working on yourself.

While we’re not perfect, we can still search for the voice as “sweet as the murmur of the brook and the rustle of the corn”.

It might even keep your kids out of the therapists’ chair.

* Read more Parenting Tips by Andrew Mullins, principal of Wollemi College in Sydney’s west, at www.ahisa.edu.au/resources/publications

FAMilY MAtters“DvDs AnD keePinG Our relAtiOnsHiP Alive” by Cathy Drumore

Sometimes of an evening, when the kids have all been disposed of thoughtfully at a sensible time, when I have no homework and Julian no sport (a triple co-incidence which can be very rare!), either Julian or I will say, “Hey, d’you want to watch a movie tonight?”

Unfortunately, though, we seem to run into two problems fairly regularly – either neither of us can decide on what to watch (we have way too many DVDs), or we both get so caught up in checking our emails, surfing our favourite forums (bubhub.com.au for me and whirlpool.net.au for Julian), or doing housework, that we somehow don’t seem to end up ready to watch together until it is too late.

This is the same in my relationships with others. There’s a new neighbour who has moved in across from us. I

have been meaning to visit her for some time to introduce myself and welcome her to our town, particularly as I work with her Mum, but I just seem to be too busy with other things.

Likewise, I sometimes think that Julian and I “pass like ships in the night” too often as we take kids to sport or play it ourselves or attend meetings or whatever. These movie times should be kind of sacred to make sure we’re making time to keep our relationship alive.

Of course, it’s even better when, on even rarer occasions, we actually sit down and chat. Yesterday evening, Julian came out to sit in front of the fire at the dining table where I was writing student reports and started telling me about his day. It was tempting to say that I was busy, which I was, but if he bothers to sit down and chat then the least I can do is listen.

Sometimes I wonder as a mother whether I need to ensure that I’m allowing this time for each of my children, too. Driving kids long distances to sport really pays off when we have some really interesting conversations about assorted topics ranging from teen friendship issues to church teaching on controversial subjects. I look forward to the two hour trip to Griffith sometimes!

And it’s kind of like that with God, too. There’s really no reason in our free country why we can’t make time to speak to God regularly and attend Mass, say the Rosary etc. But we’re too busy, we do other things, and we end up wasting opportunities to further our relationship with Him.

So what am I going to do right now? It’s about 10pm, the kids are in bed and Julian is surfing the computer in another room. Yes, he just replied that he does want to watch a movie. So I’m going to put one on right away before it’s too late …

FAMilY & FAitH“PrAYers FOr All tHe FAMilY” by Archbishop Mark Coleridge

Sometimes the family has been described as ‘the

domestic Church’. This sees the family as a small community where the Risen Lord makes his home – a community which becomes the Body of Christ.

Living together as a family is a very bodily experience in all kinds of ways. It certainly was in my own memory as seven of us huddled together in the family home – Mum, Dad, and the five kids. In later years, when I visited the family home, I was amazed at how small it was, and I wondered how the seven of us fitted in – and did so more or less peaceably. So it was a very ‘bodily’ existence, and it still is for families these days, even if families now tend to be smaller and houses bigger.

But for the ‘body’ of the family really to come alive in a way that gives life to its members, Jesus needs to live at its heart, and the family needs to breathe the breath of God that we call the Holy Spirit.

That’s why traditionally in a Catholic family, prayer together has been important. Once upon a time, the family Rosary was the popular option, though in our family the Rosary was never very successful. These days, the Rosary is not what it was in many families, and family prayer has tended to disappear. The effects of this reach far and wide, and one of our great needs at the moment is to imagine and engage in new forms of family prayer that fit with the style and rhythms of family life today.

Grace before and after meals always provides a special opportunity, even if it’s harder now to gather the family at the meal table. Some simple form of the Prayer of the Church might also allow the Psalms to enrich the family. Simple reading of the Bible might also do the trick. Teaching young children to pray at the start and end of the day is certainly part of family prayer.

I encourage you to think of ways of praying that may suit your family, and I’ll do what I can to support you in the great and humble task of ensuring that your family is a ‘domestic Church’, a hearth where Jesus lives among you.

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FeAture Article“A JOurneY AcrOss tHe liFe line” Abby Johnson admits at the start of her book that her story is not easy to read. Not surprising, when you learn the topic is abortion. But her story provides a fascinating insight into both ‘sides’ of the debate.

After eight years working at an abortion clinic in Texas, Abby’s views changed, and she is now pro-life. The turning point was being asked to help a doctor perform an abortion. Surprisingly, the 30 year old had never seen an abortion before.

In her book, “Unplanned”, Abby implores readers to try to understand those on the other side.

“Oh, how we love to vilify our opponents –from both sides”, she writes. “How easy to assume that those on ‘our’ side are right and wise and good; how those on ‘their’ side are treacherous and foolish and deceptive …Are you ready to look through the fence and see goodness, compassion, generosity and self-sacrifice on the other side? Did you just feel yourself squirm? If so, welcome to my journey”.

This is an edited blog from Abby Johnson, May 3, 2011. My uterus is currently empty. But is hasn’t always been. It has been full of life three times. However, I have only given birth once. I have aborted two of my own children. I didn’t think long and hard about the decision to abort my children. I wish I could say I did. I wonder if my first child was a boy or a girl…what about my second? My daughter talks about having brothers…could she be talking about the children I have aborted? I hope that when I meet God in heaven, he will grant me the opportunity to see my two children…to hold them for the first time…to be their mother.

I thought it would be easy, that I would never think about them again. I used to be proud of my abortions. I didn’t see that I had killed my children. If I did, then I would have to own up to the truth.

I look at my 4 year old daughter now and wonder if my children would have looked like her. How many “I love yous” have I missed? How many good night kisses have been lost because of my decision?

I had my first abortion when I was 20; only 10 years ago. That memory is so foggy. I try so hard to remember that day. How old was my baby? What was the name of the clinic? What did the doctor look like? I just remember that it was easy…it shouldn’t be so easy to kill your child.

My second abortion was not so

easy, but it didn’t convince me that abortion was wrong…it just convinced me that MEDICATION abortion was wrong. It actually became a joke in my clinic. Abortion became a joke…disgusting.

When I got pregnant with Grace, it was unplanned. I was not excited. My friends in the clinic said I “had options.” But I was going to have a baby. I look back and am so glad I didn’t listen to those “friends.” I don’t know how I could live without my daughter. But as I say that, I realize that I am living without two of my other children.

After Grace was born, I immediately had a Mirena IUD inserted. I didn’t know how harmful that little piece of plastic would be. I know now.

Four years later and my uterus is still empty. Not by choice…but because of my choices. Because I was not open to life. Because I thought children were a burden. All of these excuses have lead to my daughter growing up as an only child. At this point in my life, I can’t have children. I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. Now when I want children, I can’t have them. What a horrible irony.

I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life regarding motherhood. I do know that my husband and I are going to adopt children from the foster care system. We never know what God has in store for our lives, but I am thankful for the life that I have now, for my husband and my daughter.

It is beautiful to know that God has forgiven me. When I made the decision to start healing from my abortions, I knew I had to make a decision. I could either live in the past, or live for right now. One of my daughter’s favorite movies is “Kung Fu Panda.” In the movie, there is a wise old turtle that says something that has always stuck with me (I know…wisdom from a cartoon). He says something like, “Today is called the present because it is a gift.” I really believe that. I sincerely think that evil lives in our past and in our future…the two places we cannot control. God doesn’t worry about those two periods of time. He wants us to wake up every day and live for Him…moment by moment…day by day. I trust in that. I trust in God’s plan for my life. I don’t know if I will have any more children of my own. I don’t pray for children…I pray for God’s will.

Abby Johnson’s blog is at www.abbyjohnson.org For confidential abortion counselling, phone Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat 02 6101 6930 or www.rachelsvineyard.org.au

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“ ”Today is called the present because it is a gift

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Published by the catholic Archdiocese of canberra-GoulburnProduced by catholicliFePO box 7174 Yarralumla Act 2600 tel: 02 6163 4300 Fax: 02 6163 4310 email: info@catholiclife.org.auWebsite: www.catholiclife.org.au

HelPinG kiDs OWn uP

WHY GO tO MAss?

““I learned that if you do something bad never keep it a secret. And just because someone does something bad it doesn’t make them a bad person” – Megan

“Asking ‘Why?’ can pressure people and make them lie. Own up and don’t take things that aren’t yours” – Rachel

These thoughts come from Grade 5 students at Good Shepherd Primary School at Amaroo after the school this month asked Matt Casey from CatholicLIFE to teach them about “Restorative Practice”. Matt ran sessions with every class, as well as staff and parents.

The basic concepts of Restorative Practice are simple:Good relationships are the basis for learning, wellbeing and •our faith in GodAnything that affects relationships impacts on learning, •wellbeing and our faith.Challenging inappropriate behaviour needs to be seen as an •opportunity for learning and building stronger relationships and communities.

Often when things go wrong the first question we ask is “Why?” The kids agreed this is not a smart question and, from now on, will be asking “restorative” questions.

What happened?•What were you thinking about?•What have you thought about since?•Who has been affected and how?•What needs to happen to make things right?•

When someone has been harmed by another’s behaviour they will be asked,

What did you think when this happened?•What impact has this had on you and others?•What is the hardest thing for you?•What needs to happen to make things right?•

Restorative Practice helps school communities to positively negotiate the inevitable conflict and tensions of life and maintain strong relationships. Schools interested in learning more can contact Matt Casey on 02 6163 4300.

How do you explain the Mass to children? What good reason can you give for going?

Recently, the words of the Mass have changed. The fact is, though, as Catholics we can be a little unsure about what the Mass is and why it matters. We just get used to going (or not going!) and can be unsure how to respond to questions. Let’s face it, kids don’t like the answer ‘we go because we have to’ – in fact, who does?

Don’t we owe it to ourselves to learn a bit more about the Mass and try to grow in our experience of it - if not for our sake, then our kids?

This month, CatholicLIFE will launch a new resource (pictured above) about the Mass for parents and parishes. The resource will also be used in a series of seminars by Shane Dwyer, the new Coordinator for Spirituality and Faith Education in the Archdiocese.

To get the resource or find out more phone 02 6163 4300 or go to www.catholiclife.org.au

www.cdf.cg.catholic.org.au

INVITATION TO SUPPORT FAMILIES Would you like to support the newsletter and help us reach as many families as possible?

Please consider making a tax deductible donation. Contact us at 6163 4300 or at

director@catholiclife.org.au

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For further information or to register, go to www.acu.edu.au