Yoga Journal - I'm So Happy for You

8/12/2019 Yoga Journal - I'm So Happy for You

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www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2603?print=1 1/7

I'm So Happy for You

Take delight in the good fortune of others to create more happiness for yourself.

By Frank Jude Boccio

This is the second of a three-part series on the

brahmaviharas, which show us the way to a kinder, more

compassionate relationship with ourselves and others.

Read Part I: Love in Full Bloom and Part III: Calm Within.

"We hate it when our friends are successful," sangMorrissey, the songwriter and former lead singer of The

Smiths. Although "hate" may be overstating the issue, thedark and not-so-secret fact remains that, rather than rejoice

in a friend's good fortune, we often feel envy and jealousy. We even take guilty delight in

another's misfortune. Your pleasure in reading about Jennifer Aniston's relationshiptroubles or Lindsay Lohan's run-ins with the law notwithstanding, this isn't a modern

phenomenon. More than two thousand years ago, both Patanjali and the Buddha taught the

practice of muditaas an antidote to the feeling that your happiness is threatened or

diminished by the happiness of others. Mudita, the third of the brahmaviharas, or yogicteachings on love, is the ability to take active delight in others' good fortune or good deeds.

In Yoga Sutra I.33, Patanjali advises us to take delight in the virtue of others as a way todevelop and maintain calmness of mind. You've probably experienced how painful envy

can be, and how much it affects your mental well-being. Your feelings of envy don't diminish

the happiness of those you are jealous of, but they do diminish your own serenity.

The Dalai Lama speaks of mudita as a kind of "enlightened self-interest." As he puts it,

there are so many people in this world that it's simply reasonable to make their happiness

as important as your own; if you can be happy when good things happen to others, youropportunities for delight are increased six billion to one!
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This is a teaching I try to keep in mind throughout the day. I recently went to collect myweekly box of produce from the community-supported agriculture program I belong to. I was

looking forward to buying a dozen eggs laid by the farm's grass-fed, free-range chickens.

These eggs are delicious, and quite precious, because only a limited number of them areavailable each week. When I got to the pick-up center, I invited two women who had arrived

at the same time I had to get into line ahead of me. As you can probably guess, they bought

the last two dozen eggs! I could feel my body beginning to constrict as I realized that I was

not going to be able to buy any eggs that day. I smiled and thought to myself, while lookingat the two women, "May you really enjoy those eggs." Remarkably, before I had evencompleted the thought, I felt my heart center expand and a real sense of joyful energy flow

through me.

The root of the Sanskrit word mudita means to be pleased, to have a sense of gladness,or, as Patanjali is often translated, "to be delighted." Although mudita is often discussed as

"empathetic or altruistic joy" in the context of overcoming envy at the good fortune of others,

Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Zen master, points out that there is a broader way to

think of muditaone that doesn't depend on defining the Self as separate from others. InTeachings on Love, he writes: "A deeper definition of the word mudita is a joy that is filledwith peace and contentment. We rejoice when we see others happy, but we rejoice in our

own well-being as well. How can we feel joy for another person when we do not feel joy for

ourselves?" Feeling joy for ourselves, however, is not always easy to do.

Obstacle Course

The fact is, the biggest obstacle to feeling joy is the negativity we hold toward ourselvesand others. When you judge yourself, compare yourself to others, and envy others, youperpetuate a sense of aloneness and deficiency. Joy, whether for yourself or for someone

else, can be difficult to truly open to and accept be-cause it is so tied to issues of self-

worth. You can really like someone, maybe even feel compassion for their suffering, but stillfeel envious of their success. Then, of course, you feel bad about feeling envious, and the

spiral continues. This psychic dance is what makes mudita so difficult. You have to reallyfeel and connect with your own inner wealth in order to overcome that sense of deficiency

and to truly open yourself to joy. Perhaps because of this very difficulty, mudita can be a

powerful liberating force, freeing you from judgment and envy and lifting the sense ofisolation and self-constriction they create.
http://www.amazon.com/Teachings-Love-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1888375000


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Because the mental obstacles to joy are so pernicious, it is important to be alert to theirpresence as they arise. If you have judgmental thoughts about yourself, for example,

chances are that you are extending those thoughts to others. Judgmental thoughts cause

the mind to become rigidly attached to how it thinks things should bea sure obstacle toappreciative joy. Mudita is nonjudgmental and allows that others can find happiness in

things that you might not. Can you accept that others might choose to live their lives

differently from you, and sti ll feel happy for them? Cat lovers, accountants, itinerant

musiciansmaybe none of those includes you, but if people are genuinely happy and theyare not harming themselves or others, mudita is the practice of sharing in their happiness.

Another major obstacle to feeling joy is comparing yourself to others, whether you deem

yourself better, worse, or equal. By the act of comparing, you are looking to others in order

to define yourself. The spirit of mudita, and of the other brahmaviharas, affirms that youdeserve to be happy simply because you are, not because you're the same as others or

because you are smarter, richer, nicer, or "better" than anyone else. When you believe and

understand this truth, you can take delight in the happiness of others instead of feeling

threatened by it. Your relationship to the world becomes one of communion rather thancompetition.

Joy Seeker

You can create the conditions for opening to this kind of joy in your asana practice, in

seated meditation, and throughout the day. When focusing on mudita in my own asanapractice or in my teaching, I find it helpful to follow Anusara Yoga founder John Friend's

advice to "look for the good." By actively looking for what is right, whether it's with a postureor with any of life's experiences, you can counteract the mind's tendency to fixate on what's"wrong." This is not to deny that there are unsatisfactory and painful experiences in life.

After all, mudita is the third brahmavihara, meant to be cultivated after metta, which can be

thought of as the nonjudgmental acceptance of what is, and karuna, which entails thecompassionate opening to whatever physical, emotional, energetic, and mental ills you

might be experiencing. This order is not arbitrary; you cannot open to real joy if you arecaught in aversion or attachment. But once you can accept things as they are, whether on

the mat or off, you can begin to place your attention on the pleasurable aspects of your

experience: the flow of energy moving through your body as you come out of Handstand,the fresh scent of a rain-drenched breeze, the trill of a songbird outside your window.
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Experiences and sensations don't necessarily have to be positive in order to bring us joy;neutral experiences, too, can help grow more joy. Thich Nhat Hanh uses the example of the

"non-toothache." When you last had a toothache, you knew for sure that it was unpleasant

and that to not have a toothache would be pleasant. But now, you overlook the joy of thenontoothache, because it is neutral. By bringing your attention to the fact that your teeth do

not hurt (or indeed, to any part of you that doesn't hurt!), you may feel a gentle smile of

appreciation arise.

A deep and long relaxation is an important part of cultivating joy in your asana practice.

While lying in Savasana (Corpse Pose), you can "touch" various parts of your body withyour loving attention. For instance, bring attention to your eyes as you inhale, send them an

inner smile, and feel gratitude and appreciation for them as you exhale. Spend a few

breaths smiling to each part of your body in this manner, especially to those parts you mightbe less than satisfied with, developing greater joy and deeper appreciation for what is.

This practice of cultivating appreciation and gratitude can be done throughout the day. One

of my students shared with me that her life felt empty. As part of her practice, I asked her totake some time each evening to make a list of five things that brought her some joy that

day. I emphasized that these need not be "big" things, that perhaps seeing a child laughcould bring her some joy. At the end of one week, she asked me if she had to limit her list

to five things. She said she had found that she had many joy-filled experiences, even on her

darkest days. Without denying her sadness and heavy spirit, she was able to see that notall was dark.

Here Today

Contemplating impermanence can also enhance your ability to touch joy. Both Patanjali

and the Buddha emphasize that much of our duhkha(suffering or discontent) arisesbecause we live as if the current conditions were permanent. When things are going well,

we attempt to live as i f they always will, and we are disappointed when they change. And

when things are going poorly, we imagine that this will always be the case, forgetting thatbad times too will pass. The awareness of the impermanent nature of all things, including

yourself, makes you more sensitive to the effervescent, joyful nature of experience. Whenyou are awake to impermanence, you do not take anyone or anything for granted. You stay

in touch with what's happening, feeling the joy of simply being awake to life. You can
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appreciate the good without clinging to it, and you are generally more resilient in the face of

setbacks because you remember that, truly, all things are impermanent.

Growing Joy

The formal practice of mudita bhavana(cultivating joy) from the Buddhist yoga tradition

celebrates the happiness of all beings, yourself included! In fact, through your growinginsight into the interdependent nature of the world, you see that the happiness of others isindeed your happiness. Begin by recalling your own innate goodness. Bring to mind a time

when you said or did something that was kind, generous, caring, or loving. Then begin to

offer yourself these appreciative and encouraging phrases.

May I learn to appreciate the happiness and joy I experience.

May the joy I experience continue and grow.

May I be filled with joy and gratitude.

Of course, you are free to come up with your own phrases, as long as they have anappreciative intention. As you send these wishes to yourself, open to whatever feelings

arise in your body and mind. Notice what, if any, reactivity is provoked by the practice.

Don't expect to instantly feel great joy and appreciation. Sometimes all you might observeis a lack of appreciation and the mind's judging reactivity. Simply note whatever arises, and

return to the phrases with as much friendliness and compassion as you can muster. After

directing these phrases to yourself for a while, the traditional sequence moves on to

directing them toward a benefactor, someone who has inspired you or offered you aid inany way.

May you experience joy, and may your happiness continue.

May you be filled with appreciation for your happiness and success.

May your happiness and good fortune continue.

May you be successful and met with appreciation.


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Following a benefactor, the sequence moves on to a loved one or friend; then it movestoward a neutral person, defined as someone you barely knowmaybe even a stranger for

whom you have no strong feelings one way or the other. Following the neutral person, try

directing these appreciative phrases toward the difficult people in your life. Experiment withfeeling joy and delight at the happiness and success of those whom you have shut out from

your heart.

May your happiness and joy increase.

May the joy in your life continue and grow.

May you be successful and met with appreciation.

If it becomes too hard to send these thoughts to a difficult person, acknowledge this without

judgment and return to sending the phrases to a loved one or to yourself. Trust that in time,your heart will expand to include even those for whom you now feel resentment and envy,

because you will truly understand that their joy and success do not threaten your happiness.

Finally, send these phrases to all beings throughout the world. Imagine radiating thesepositive thoughts from your immediate environment out in all directions, sending

appreciative, joy-filled wishes to all beings in existence. When you feel ready to end the

meditation, take some time to simply sit with your feelings and your breath.

The Power of Happiness

If you live your life as though there is a fixed amount of happiness in the world, it's easy to

fall into an embittered, resentful state of competition with others. But happiness isn't alimited commodity that has to be rationed or hoarded. It's not like those fresh eggs I just

missed: There's no chance that someone will get the last of it. Happiness, like love,increases when it is shared. When you feel truly happy for others, your own happiness

increases, along with, as Patanjali reminds us, your peace of mind. What's more, when you

share happiness or love with all sentient beings, by the very nature of your own sentience,you are included! Cultivating mudita is a way of gaining a truer understanding of the

interconnectedness of all beings, and it allows you to increase your own joy, exponentially.

Frank Jude Boccio is a teacher of yoga and Zen Buddhism and the author of
http://mindfulnessyoga.net/yoga_home.html


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Mindfulness Yoga.

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Yoga Journal - I'm So Happy for You