Xenofilkia Issue 94

8/9/2019 Xenofilkia Issue 94

1/22

XENOFILKI

APRIL

#94


2/22

WELCOME TO XENOFILKIA the bimonthly filkzine.

EDITOR:

Lee Gold, 3965 Alla Road, Los Angeles, CA 90066; (310) 306-7456

DEADLINE: Usually the 7th day of every odd month: Jan, Mar, May, July, Sep, Nov

Deadline for Xenofilkia #95 May 7th, 2004

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Cover: Sorceress

by M ichel le Dockrey

Beas t o f M y Kind

The Las t March of G ondor

Gardener

Talkin' Tolkien

Vorthalia the Bold

The Latest W est-Coast Filker

Red-Haired Girl

High F ly the Nazgul - addit ional verse

Broken Cradle

W hat Happened to the Mars Lander

A Lament for a Future Lost

News f rom Iraq

W hat 's Left of the Stars

A Worm wi th No Name

Unicode

Real Old Time Religion - more verses

First Contact, Worst Case

M akin ' Poopie

Fas t Broom

The Song of Wand ering Charlie

Table of Contents

by M ark A. M andel

by Rober t Wynne & Lar issa March

by Jane M ai lander

by Blake Hodgetts

by Cather ine O'Shea

by Bi l l Laubenheimer

by Elo ise M ason

by Rick W eiss

by M ike Van Pel t

by Pat Mathews

by Mark Hom ing

by M arcus Bales

by H. Paul Shuch

by Michael McAfee

by Gary McGa th

by J im Rousey and Gary McG a th

by Nick Smith

by Robin Baylor

by Debra Fran Baker

& N ightRoads Associates

by Ar ie l Weinberg

1874

1875

1876

1877

1878

1880

1881

1881

1882

1883

1884

1885

1886

1887

1888

1889

1890

1891

1892

1893

All songs and artwo rk not covered by prior copyright are Cop yright as part of Xe nofilkia #94, April , 2004.

All r ights to ar twork an d songs revert to the au thors upon p ublication of Xen ofilkia #94.

-page i-


3/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1874

BEAST OF MY KIND

by M ark A. M andel, Copyright 2004

to the tune of "Least Of My K ind," by Cat Faber

Prowling around the flocks,

Slipping between the rocks,

Seeking my chance to leap and rend .

Sudden ly, on the wind,

Scent of my foe and kin:

Traitor , who call yourself "man's best fr iend"

Think on the bargain's cost ,

W hat 's gained and w hat is lost?

Tethered and tamed and confined,

Robbed of your destiny,

Slave now, who once was f ree ,

You are the leashed of my kind .

There s tands my witless prey,

Too close to run away.

Lunge, leap, and str ike It l ies now dea d.

Tearing , I start to feed,

Driven by haste and need,

Flesh, f leece, and grass all the sam e blood-red.

Think on the b argain's cost ,

W hat 's gained and what is lost?

Tethered and tamed and con fined,

Robbed of you r destiny,

Slave now, who once was f ree ,

You are the leashed of my kind.

Now w e come face to face ,

Two of one sundered race,

Ga ze holding gaze across the kil l .

Slowly, you stoop to l ick,

Tongue flashing sharp and quick. . .

W ild in your eyes now , the wolf l ives s t il l

Now is the bargain lost ,

Now that you know the cos t,

No m ore to serve, confined.

Back to your destiny,

Pack-brother , l iving free,

You are the beast of my k ind


4/22

XEN OFILKIA #94

age 1875

THE LA ST M A RCH OF GONDOR

by Robert Wyn ne and Larissa March , Copyright 2004

to the tune of "Least of My K ind" by Cat Faber

Armored in batt le m ail ,

Sw earing we shall not fail ,

Cursing, we r ide to Mordor 's Door.

M en, e lves and dwarves uni te

Facing the Shadow's m ight

Here is a challenge he ca n ' t ignore

W ell spent the batt le cost

All hope is not y et lost

Frodo sti ll carr ies the r ing

You have no t fought in va in

W hen you m arch forth again

You sha ll be led by your king.

W e fought and d id no t y ie ld

Pelennor 's batt lefield

Now we ap proach the Dark Lord ' s ga te

Sauron we wi l l defy

Hoping to d raw his eye

Far from the one w ho' l l decide our fate


All hope is not ye t lost


You h ave no t fought in va in

W hen you m arch forth again


One day m ay te l l the ta le

Courage of m en shall fail

That will not be this day, I swear

Look on me now , Dark Lord

Reforged , the broken sword

Thoug ht you that Is ildur had no heir?


All hope is not ye t lost


You hav e no t fought in va in

W hen you march for th again



5/22


6/22

XENOFILKIA

#94 age 1877

I look out over the Sea from this vessel all gleam ing and grey.

Hailed as the Last of the Ringbearers , carr ied aw ay.

Singing Elves greet as my ship com es to land.

I s tumble in soft s i lver sand.

Pm lif ted up by a four-fmgered hand . . .

"W ell , Pm here, Mr. Frodo," I say.

Hear me o h, hear me oh,

There 's a fmal long journey that I have to go. (2x)

TALKIN' TOLKIEN

Parody Lyrics Copyright 2004 Blake Hodgetts , inspired by a subject heading on rec.m usic.f i lk:

to the tune of "Talkin' Baseball" by Terry Cashman

W ell, Gandalf got i t s tarted,

Kne w hobbits were s tout-hearted,

Although their way of l ife was quite reserved.

From duty Sam and Frodo never swerved ,

And in the end old Sauron got wh at he deserved.

W e're talkin ' Tolkien,

From Bree to Minas Tir i th.

Talkin' Tolkien,

Fangom to Osgi l ia th .

Sam wise stabbing Shelob using Sting;

Aragom, returning as the King;

W e're talkin ' Frodo, Gollum and the Ring.

Now Legolas and G imli ,

They we nt to batt le grimly,

W hile Faramir was p laced upon a pyre .

M erry and Pippin r isked their l ives to save the Shire,

And Frodo brou ght the One back to i ts forging fire.

W e're talkin ' Tolkien,

From W eathertop to Tookland ,

Talkin' Tolkien,

From Isengard to Buckland.

Bloody swords and ax es clang and cling;

Gandalf m aking heads ro l l wi th Glam dr ing;

W e're talkin ' Frodo, Gollum and the Ring.


7/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1878

VORTHALIA HIE BOLD

by Catherine O'Shea

to the tune of "Pinky and the Brain"

This is the theme son g for the 'his torical ' children's show 'Vorthalia the Bold - Legendary H ero from the

Time of Isolation' for which, if you recall , Miles s t i l l rem em bers all nine verses

(A Civil Campaign).

I suspect

this was one of those 'his torical' shows in which the h ero m anaged to ha ve a key p art in every single his torical

event of importance Thus there are references to Vorlopoulos ' cooks (verse 2) , Lord M idnight (verse 5) , the

Incendiary Cat Plot (verse 6) , the defene stration of the Cou ncil of Counts (verse 7) and the Countess w ho had

herself legally declared m ale in order to inherit , and w as involved in a bizarre court case over her later m arriage

(verse 8) , not to m ention the folk tale with the b asil pot (verse 4). I s trongly suspect that there w as, in fact a

tenth verse about the m utant who k ept his heart in a box; given M iles ' personal feelings on m utants , however, i t

is not surpris ing that he n ever m em orised this verse, and failed to recall i ts existence.

Chorus : Vor tha li a the Bo ld Vo r tha li a the Bo ld

Legendary H ero in days of Old

W ith brawn as wel l as b ra in

He'l l save the day again

Vorthalya*

This spel l ing indicates a th ree-syl lable p ro nuncia t ion

Vo rthalia the Bold, bold, bold, bold

f V o r t h a l ia , i n s te a d o f t h e u s u a l f o u r .

Bold, bold, bold, bold

Bold.

In isolation t im e

W ith vil lains great or small

W hen i t came to f ighting cr ime

He w as the best of all

CHORUS

He ca n fight in any str ife

W ith sword or mace or hook

W ith a cleaver or a knife

He's bet ter than a cook

CHORUS

W hen d imm er heroes fa l l

His wits will s tay the course

For i t 's know n to one and all

That he 's smarter than his horse

CHORUS

The ladies love his air

And in charm he has no peers

Though their families may glare

No basil pot he fears

CHORUS

Politic'ly astute

The Council he could sway

For he knew that in a vote

Lord Midnight would say "Neigh ".

CHORUS


8/22

XEN OFILKIA #94

age 1879

W hen in a t reas'nous p lo t

His r ivals did conspire

He knew wel l tha t one mus t no t

Set the cat on f ire

CHORUS

He'd an ed ucator 's m ind

In service to the State

To the Counci l he def ined

The v erb 'defenestrate '

CHORUS

His love seemed doom ed to fa i l

For h is wife he had to sue

Though declared bo th Count and male

She was a countess too

CHORUS

So w atch and lis ten here

And you ' l l hear the s tory told

Of a hero w ithout peer -

Of Vorthalia the Bold

Vo rthalia the Bold

Vorthalia the Bold

His deeds are uncounted,

His vir tues untold

W ith brawn as wel l as b ra in

He'l l save the day again

Vorthalya*

Vorthalia the Bold, bold, bold, bold

Bold, bold, bold, bold

Bold.

Call ie Hil ls wrote M ASSFILC: I was chat t ing w ith one of my f i lker buddies today, and he rem inded m e that

our new a lbum was NOT the only recent re lease to fea ture my mus ica l input . I'm cer ta in ly proud of the work I

did for Blake Ho dgetts ' album, and think that if you like eclectic, lyr ic-r ich fi lk, you sho uld check it out.

Featured perform ers include Tony F abris on guitar and Arlene ("Callie") Hills (Echo's Children) on flute lending

color and depth. Rounding out the performan ce roster are cameos by Angelica Sather Hod getts (courtesy of Ash

Productions) and harpist Laura Z aerr .

This CD runs over 73 minutes and includes a fu l l 12-page bookle t w i th a l l o f the song ly r ics . For more

information and audio samples, please see the album 's webpage at : ht tp: / /vvww .efn.org/ bch/blindsight .html

"Storming H eaven," the new CD b y Avalon Ris ing, can be bought a t h t tp : //www .avalonris ing .com/d isc .h tml

It 's a collection of progressive Celtic and original rock so ngs ranging from d ance tun es to ballads, with hints of

Otherwhere and Otherwhen. Lead s ingers are Kr is toph Klover and M argare t Davis . Ins t rum enta l is ts a re Klover

(electr ic guitar) , Davis (f lute and harp) , and Cat Taylor (electr ic f iddle) , backed by the rhythm section of M ark

Ungar, Kevin Fa nning, and Scott Irwin.


9/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1880

THE LATE ST WEST-C OAST FILKER

by Bill Laubenheim er ( instigated by Carole Parker)

to the tune of "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate" by The Arrogant Worm s

(The phrases in braces in the last line are intended as seasonal. The one to be done d epends on w hether FKO

or OVF F is next on the schedule.)

I used to be a w riter , and I m ade a l iving fair

From references and user guides for sundry high-tech ware.

But t imes were ha rd, and though I tr ied, I lost my job on e day --

The VPs shipped it overseas and told m e "That 's our way."

I scoured the Net for writ ing jobs, the answe r always no,

There were som e slots for editors , the pay wa s much too low .

Job web sites sent programm er reqs, I could not work out why ,

I cashed my unemploym ent checks unt i l the wel l ran dry

Then I though t, I 'm losing heart , I can' t let this go on,

I need to fmd som e fi lkers at my local S-F con:

Chorus Cause i t 's a heave-ho heigh-ho f i lker 's l i fe for me,

Steal ing tunes and tw ist ing wo rds to f i t the m elody.

And it 's a ho-hey heigh-hey Fanboy s, run and hide,

W hen you see the da ndelion that the fi lkers wear with pride.

You'd th ink tha t loca l fandom would be aw are of me,

But just the other con, a careless fan I chanced to see.

As he was w histl ing gaily, I f ilked him on the spot,

Lampo oned his boo ks, his games, his clothes, and hair he hasn' t got.

An overpass near Portland spans a m ighty stream,

Fanbo ys scurry under i t , too scared to even scream,

'Cause they know Banjo Carole could be lurking aw fully close,

To capture them and sing them hours of off-key fanfic ose,

(Chorus)

W ell , Lawyer Ray he sued us 'cause he thought we p layed too loose,

He lost f ive t ime s in court -- he didn' t understand Fair Use,

But his clients lost their taste for paying thousands e very day,

And now he ' s d rumm ing wi th us and we ca l l h im Bodhran Ray .

A guitar and a songboo k, and a pleasant place to play,

I won' t bow to M ichael Jackson or the R-I-Double-A,

From Rusty- down to CopperCon, the terrors of the We st

If you bring a song into the room , we' l l fi lk our very best

(Chorus)

The fi lker l ife 's appealing, but you w on' t just fm d it here,

I 've found in G erman y there 's bands that you've just got to hear .

They roam the Rhine from Dusseldorf, through Bingen to Cologne,

Taking songs from m any countr ies , to f ilk them for their own.

W ell now the hou r is gett ing late, the con's about to end.

M y filking's done for now , but I am glad to call you fr iends.

I 'l l be back n ext f i lk con, but now I 've got to g o.

I hear there 's lots of singing do ne {at F ilkOntario} / {in c entral O-hi-o}

(Chorus twice)


10/22

XENO FILKIA #94

age 1881

RED-HAIRED GIRL

by Eloise (Beltz-Deck er) Mason , with apologies to Charles Schultz

to the tune of 'Brown -Eyed G irl ', by Van M orrison

Hey, all those years ago, back before I knew your nam e . . .

Holdin' out a football , or playin' a baseball gam e.

Flyin ' kites into trees and laughin' , teasin ' you just for fun.

W atchin' Snoopy fly his dogho use into the mo rning sun.

I miss you, my Red-Haired G irl;

You , my Litt le Red-Haired Girl .

Now whatever happened to Frankl in and Pigpen?

They wa ndered out of our l ives, but I 'm seeing their faces again.

Go in' off to college, growin' apart , no matter how hard we tr ied.

Findin' you in grad school, honey, holdin ' you while you cried

On m e, my Red-Haired G ir l;

You , my Litt le Red-Haired G irl .

Bridge : Do you remem ber how w e used t o s ing?

[If you r gu i tar sk i l ls are u p to the task , inser t severa l bars of 'L inus and Lucy '

( aka t h a t song Sch roede r w as a lways p l ay ing on p i ano) h e r e .

Otherwise , s ing i t with na na n as . Hey, th is is f i lk - d igni ty??]

So hard to fmd ou r way , now tha t we 're on our own.

Saw Linus jus t the o ther day man, how tha t boy has grown.

He cam e out of the closet last year (som etimes I 'm o vercom e thinkin' about i t) .

And I worry 'bout po or ol ' Marcie, now that her 'Sir ' is gone,

But you're my Red-Haired G irl .

You 're my Litt le Red-Haired G irl .

HIGH FLY TH E NA ZGUL addit iona l verse

by Rick Weiss

to the tune of "Green Grow the Rashes-O"

Did I get i t in f i rs t? How many variations have com e in? [This is the only one I 've got.--LG]

I 'l l s ing eleven, o h

Hig h fly the Nazgul, oh

W hat is your e leven, oh?

Eleven for Peter Jackson 's Oscars, ten for the batt les of the r ing, and nine for the nine brave w alkers . . ..

Issue #100 of Xenofilkia is fast approaching,

in just another year . Chances are that issue w ill also have pa ge

1984. Anyone with suitable

songs should

cons ider send ing them in , in advance . Many thanks . Lee


11/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1882

B R O K E N C R A D L E

by M ike Van Pelt

to the tune of "Cat 's in the Cradle", Harry Chapin

I started on this soo n after the

Columbia

crash, but it was too depressing to wo rk on; I only had a few lines and

the last verse. Saturday night at Baycon, I got h it in the head with inspiration, and com pleted it to this point.

W e splashed down just the other day,

Returned to Earth in our usual way

Barely mentioned on the evening new s,

W e didn't get any interviews

It 's not like it was w ith Neil and Buzz

No missions planned to go back, now

But I know w e're gonna go again.

Just one week ago we walked on the Moon

I really believe w e'll go bac k real soon

W e can't ignore the future or lose the dream

Our future is out in space

Our future has to be in space

The new space shutt le 's delayed again

Sky lab hits Australia, now that 's a sin

That stat ion could be saved without much cost

But space is out of style and m uch m ore was lost

So there's pieces of our future scattered on the ground

W e've got to start it all again

W e've got to start it all again

I remem ber when I walked on the M oon

I still believe we'll go back there soo n

I just don't know when, but w e've got to go

I hope we don't move too slow

I really hope we a ren' t too slow.

I just heard the new s, another shutt le dow n

Wh at 's left of the program h as been shut dow n

They say the co st 's too high, and the risk too great

Go ing out there wil l have to wait

W hat we real ly need now is to fix things on Earth here

No m ore space flight, too mu ch risk we fear.

A long time ago we w alked on the Moon

I'd like to believe we 'll go ba ck there soon

But all they say ab out that is it 's not the time ,

There 's problem s plenty here on Earth, now,

There's problem s plenty here on Earth.


12/22

XENO FTLICIA #94

age 1883

I 'm the la s t one le f t who on Luna t rod

And they 've jus t spot ted an as te roid

I t 's f ive yea r s ou t ; we 've go t lo ts o f t ime

One m il l ia rcsecond w i l l do jus t f ine

And throu gh bu reaucra t ic tur f wars and p o l i t ica l f ights

W e f in ished i t jus t in t im e , yeah

I t wa s on the pad jus t in t ime .

Bu t t hough w e t r ie d t o r e ga in sk i l ls t ha t we once had

I t b lew u p on the pad .

Al l hope d ied on tha t pad .

I t' s h a rd to be l i eve we w a lked on th e M oon

I u s ed to be l i eve we 'd go back th e r e s oon

TV show s th e s hock w ave , now i t 's c l e a r

W e d i e d w h e n w e n o l on g er d r e am e d

You d ie when you no longe r d r e am

The

only m eaningful mem oria l , the only one tha t wil l rea l ly coun t , wi l l be when there are s t ree ts , tunnels , l iving and w orking

quarters named af ter each of those as t ronauts--and those wh o w il l ye t d ie in this ef fort in perman ent ly occupied s ta t ions on

t h

m oon , on M ar s , in the as te ro id be l t , and bey ond. Bruce F . Web s te r

WHAT HAPPENED TO

T H E

MARS LANDER

by Pa t M a thews , an exe r c is e in th e obv iou s

t o t he t une o f "H ope Ey r i e "

Eng land ' s Rove r h a s lo s t i t s vo ice

The da ta , we ' l l n eve r know

I t' s b e en dow n e d by a n e n e m y

A ba d g u y k n ow n t o bo t h you a n d m e

Ye s , a m os t famil ia r foe .

Rove r ' s now in th e doghouse

W hich ha s no t been s een ,

Since las t a Beag le f l ew in 1918

W ar t im e mem or ie s l i nge r long

Revenge is bes t se rved cold

M arv in 's t aken a s e cond p la ce

To a da r ing Ge rm an f ly ing ace

A hundred and tw en ty yea r s o ld

Ye s , the Baron has Beag le ,

Tel l the na t ions when

W e' ll h ave to f igh t th e W ar o f W or lds aga in


13/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1884

A L A M E N T F O R A F U T U R E L O S T

Copyright Mark E. Horning 2004

to the tune of "The Piano Ma n," by Billy Joel; Time signature = 3/4

C m/B

m

/G

It's three AM* on a Saturday,

F

/E

7

The guitars stand ready to play

C

m/B m /G

And all I desire is a melody

F

il

(F Cmaj7)

That will take me somewhere far away.

* 10

P M , r e a l ly d a m n l a te , e t c . a s a p p r o p r i a t e

C m/B m

/G

The future once was a friend of mine,

F

/E

7

But its former bright luster has paled

C

m/B

For it seems every day,

Am

We get further away

F il

From the promises it once entailed

Am m/G

7/F F

Bridge: da da da - de de da

Am m/G

7/F

-

da da - de de da

D7

G/F C/E G7/D

-

da da

C m

m

Sing out a song of the future now

F /E

7

Sing out a song tonight

C

m/B

m

/G

And you might rekindle a memory

F il

Of a future that used to be bright.

The Concord once flew supersonic.

From New York to Heathrow she 'd soar .

On the oppo site run,

She w ould outpace the sun,

But now she is f lying no more

And this dismal reali ty 's kill ing me

As the wor ld becomes m ore mundane

And the glories and marvels we read abo ut

Seem to have been writ ten in vain.

Bridge


14/22

XENO FILKIA #94

age

1885

Our m oonbase w as forfeit to poli t ics

W hile NASA sings the sam e tune

And because o f our fears,

I t has been 30 y ears*

Since a man las t walked on the moon

Challenger

was los t in smoke and flame

And Columbia

fel l from the sky

W ith so m any se tbacks ,

I have finally* lost track

But I know tha t too m any have died.*

Sing out a song of

the future now


And you might

rekindle a memory

Of a future that used

to be bright

W e have turned our back on

the possible

And substi tuted the tame

For all r isk we avoid

And ou r spir i t 's destroyed

And the "Cult of the Safe" is

to blame.

* For the n i tp icky, change to "35 yea rs" in 2007 and

"40 -odd yea r s " i n 2008 . Th ink ing abou t 50 -odd

years i s jus t too de press ing to cons ide r .

I s ing "I have f ine- ly los t t r ack" but som e fo lks ins is t

t h

wo rd i s p ronou nced w i th th ree syl lables .

A l t e r n a t i v e :

And it seems now we're too scared to try.

Kat e G l ads t one Ma r t in DeM e l lo sugges t ed on rm . f

W e have tu rned ou r backs on the po s s ib l e

And chosen t o c l ing t o t h e t ame

And the S t a t e w i l l as su re us

W e' re s a f e and secure , a s

W e dea l ou r s e lves ou t o f t he game

And the w riters are

churning ou t fantasies,

As Science falls from

its throne,

It 's a po or excuse for

l i t e r a t u r e

But it's

better than dreaming alone.

Bridge

Sing out a song of

the future now


And you might

rekindle a memory

Of a future that used to be bright.

NEWS FROM IRAQ

a poem by M arcus Bales

Near Tikrit a tractor-trailer load

Of 3-M

Post-It Notes

w as stoke;

Northbound outside Baghdad, at a road-

Block by a b r idge over

the rain-swollen

Tigris , a semi hau ling

paper clips

W as hijacked at just

about the same time.

Police, reviewing

various data and tips,

Suspect i t ' s the work of Iraqi organized

crime.

W hen Bush was f ina l ly

told the thefts

occurred

He s lapped his desk and

said might have known - -

Those cottage cheesers "

The staff,

confused, conferred

W ith Condi , who

dismissed it w ith a w ord:

"The Shia or the Sunnis

might be stirred

To organize, but Kurds have a way of

their own."


15/22

XENO FILKIA #94

age

1886

WH AT'S LEFT OF THE STAR S

lyrics 2004 by D r. H. Paul Shuch, his 2004 Earth Day song.

sung to the tune of "Wh at 's Left of the Flag" 200 2 by Da ve King of Flogg ing Mo lly

Note that the chorus keeps mo rphing, from one verse to the next. Drama

(I s ing i t mu ch slow er than the original m elody. It is , after all , a requiem for a planet. )

W e will ma ke great haste

As we head to space.

W e are searching the cosmos w ide

For another stone

W e can make our home,

For the w orld of our birth has died.

Fly away , me boys , f ly away , me boys

From o ur own sun 's gravity.

A galactic cloud be y our spacer 's shroud;

Save the rest of the stars for me.

W e have turned our back

On the skies of black

And the ocean a sickly green.

Though I must confess

That our world's a mess,

She 's the best one that I have seen.


From o ur own sun's gravity.

A galactic cloud be your spacer 's shroud;

Save the best of the stars for m e.

Every human gr ieves

For the forest leaves

And the birds that once fi l led the sky.

No one l ives now w ho

Has seen skies of blue,

But the mem ories never die .


From o ur own sun's gravity.


Save the best of the stars from me.

Try to understand

It was our ow n hand

Turned our Earth to a h oly hell .

W e survivors best

Learn our lessons, lest

W e destroy other worlds as well .

Turn away , me boys , turn away , me boys ,

W e're our world 's worst enemy.


Save w hat 's left of the s tars from m e.


16/22

XENO FILK1A #94

age 1887

A W O R M W I T H N O N A M E

w ords by Michael McAfee

to the tune of "A Horse With No Nam e" by Am erica

Em

6/9

On

my first week on the planet Dune I went

m

6/9

Walking out on the sand

Em 6/9

I knew not to step with a steady beat as I

m

6/9

Went

across the land

Em 6/9

n ornithopter went overhead

m 6/9

Looking for spice below but the

m 6/9

Beauty of all the heat and dust

Em 6/9

Was

something they'd never know; You see I've

[chorus]

Em9 maj9

Been to Arrakis on a worm with no name, but I'm

Em9

maj9

Glad that I went just the same; on

Em9

maj9

Arrakis, House Harkonnen may reign but there's

Em9

maj9

Too much mystery for them to contain

After tw o w eeks on the planet Dune

My eyes b egan to turn blue; after

Three w eeks on the planet Dune

A feeling in my heart grew

And I w as taught w ell and my know ledge was great, and I

Knew w hat I had to do; because I've

[chorus]

After nine days, I let the w orms run free because their

Secret was p lain to see; and the

Spice I breathed gave me strange dreams, and my

Sister's the same, it seem s

Arrakis has an ocean, but it's deep underground, and the

Fremen w ill guard it well; will we

Triumph w ith our w eapons of sound?

Only the sp ice can tell. You see I've

[chorus]


17/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age

1888

U N I C O D E

by G ary Mc Gath, Copyright 2003. M ay not be published, electronically or in print , without the author 's

permission. M ay not be archived except for personal use.

Thanks to Ma rk Man del for reviewing this and offering a few sugge stions.

to the tune of She l Silverstein 's "The Unicorn"

A long time ago, on the old mac hines,

There were m ore kinds of characters than you've ever seen.

Nobody could tell just which set they had to load,

They wished tha t somehow they could have one k ind of code .

There w as US-ASCII, s imp lif ied Chinese,

Arab ic and H ebrew and Vie tnamese ,

And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but don' t feel snowed;

W e'l l put them a ll together into Unicode.

The users saw this Babel, and i t made them blue,

So a big con sortium said, "This is wha t we' l l do:

W e will take this pile of sets and give each on e i ts place,

Using sixteen bits or thir ty-two, w e've lots of space

For the US-ASCII, s implif ied Chinese,

Arab ic and H ebrew and V ie tnamese ,

And Latin-1 and Latin-2, we' l l let them load

In a big set of characters called Unicode .

The Klingons arr ived whe n they heard the call ,

And they saw the sets of characters , both big and sm all .

They said to the consortium , "Here 's what we wa nt:

Just a l i t t le bit of spac e for the K lingon font."

"You 've got US-ASCII, s imp lif ied Chinese,

Arab ic and H ebrew and V ie tnamese ,

And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but we' l l explode

You if you do n' t put Klingon cha racters in Unicode."

The Unicode Conso rtium just shook their heads,

Though the looks that they were gett ing caused a sense of dread.

"The set that we've assemb led is for use on Earth,

And a foreign plane t is the Klingons ' place of bir th."

W e've got US-ASCII, s implif ied Chinese,

Arab ic and Hebrew and Vie tnamese ,

And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but you can ' t goad

Us into putt ing Klingon characters in Unicode.

The Klingons grew as angry as a minotaur;

They we nt back to their spaceship and declared a w ar.

Three hundred years ago this happene d, but they say

That 's why the K lingons sti l l despise the Earth today.

W e've got US-ASCII, simplif ied Chinese,

Arab ic and Hebrew and Vie tnamese ,

And Latin-1 and Latin-2, but we' l l be blowed

If we' ll put the Klingon langu age into Unicode.


18/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1889

REAL OL D TIME RE LIGION m ore verses

by Jim Rousey

Qu etzalcoatl's quite a sm arty

And he sure knows how to party

Alw ays has a meal that's hearty

And that's good enough for me.

Now , a faithful household Herm

Well, you'll really make him squ irm

If his w orm is now unfirm,


Pontus was born w ith Uranus

Which shoulda made him famous

Dear lost sea god, please don't blam e us


Demiurge w as once the "builder"

Hope the name w on't you bew ilder

Praid the G nostics kind of killed her


Ophion w as one big snake

He could cau se the earth to shake

Lost his teeth and had an ache


(Yes, in the fol lowing one, i t 's pronoun ced just l ike in that m ovie that you m ight have seen)

Ananke's more than just a mu mm y:

She's Necessity, you du mm y

With old Khronos, she got chum my.


Out of vacuum cam e the gods.

Out of w ater, ice, or clods,

They made us, w e simple sods


*********************

and by G ary McGath , to end the song wh en i t ' s

been going on too long.

We've sung blessings, we've sung curses,

But w hat makes it all the w orse is

We have su ng nine billion verses,

And that's good enough for


19/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1890

F IR S T C O N T A C T , W O R S T C A S E

by N ick Sm i th , Augus t , 2003

to the tune of "Old Ros in , the Beau"

The s igna l cam e f r om the an tenna

And sc ient i s t s a l l took the i r bow s.

F i r s t contac t , but one t iny prob lem:

The a l iens looked jus t l ike cow s .

The a l iens looked jus t l ike cow s, the a l iens looked jus t l ike cow s.

F i r s t contac t , but one t iny prob lem : the a l iens looked jus t l ike cow s.

Imag ine ou r s hock and con fu s ion ,

And then the nex t shoe hi t the f loor

The a l ien vesse l was seek ing

The ir co lony sent long b e fore .

The i r co lony sent long b e fore , the i r co lony sent long b e fore

The a l ien vesse l was seek ing the i r co lony sent long be fore .

A co lony sh ip had gone m is sing

Som e thousands o f y e a r s i n t he pa s t .

A may day s en t homew ard a t li gh t -s peed

H ad broug ht fo r th a r e scue a t la s t .

H ad brou ght fo r th a r e scue a t la s t , had b rough t fo r th a r e scue a t la s t

A m ayday s en t homew ard a t l i gh t- s peed had b rough t fo r th a r e s cue a t l a st

The co lony sh ip had long van i shed

I ts s igna ls had a l l d ied aw ay

The a l i en s hoped th ey 'd be ab le

To take i t s descend ants away .

To t ake i t s de s cendan t s away , t o t ake i t s de s cendan t s away

The a l iens hoped they 'd be ab le to take i ts descendan ts away.

Ins tead, they had found h um an c i t ies

And na ry a t r a ce cou ld th ey f ind

Of records le f t by the i r ow n people

Or c iv i l iza t ions bov ine

Of c iv i l iza t ions bo v ine , of c iv i l iza t ions b ov ine ,

Of records le f t by the i r ow n peop le or c iv i liza t ions bovine .

The sc ien t is ts t ried not to an swer

The ques t ions the a l iens had

For s omeho w they knew tha t th e an swe r s

W ere cosmic -d i s a st r ou s ly bad

W ere cosmic -d i s a s tr ou s ly bad , we r e co smic -d i s a st r ou s ly b ad

For s om ehow they knew tha t th e an swe r s we r e cosm ic -d is a s tr ou s ly bad .

They r ad ioed down a long s equence

Tha t tu rned ou t t o be D NA

One sc ien t is t looked , and sa id "Herefo rd"

And qu ie t ly fa in ted away.

And qu ie t ly fa in ted away, and qu ie t ly fa in ted away,

One sc ient i s t looked , and sa id "He re ford" , and quie t ly fa in ted aw ay.


20/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1891

It seems that the colony landed

In England, millennia past.

Genetic drift, shipw reck and climate

Had turned them barbaric too fast.

Had turned them barbaric too fast, had turned them barbaric too fast

Genetic drift, shipwreck and climate had turned them barbaric too fast.

They'd been interbred with our cattle

And eaten on barbecu e grills

"Or m ilked, w hich is worse", a man uddered.

Our w arm alien climate w as chilled.

Our w arm alien climate was chilled, our w arm alien climate w as chilled

Some puns ju st cannot be repeated, our warm alien climate w as chilled.

The aliens proved understanding

And reckoned w e w eren't to blame

When first they m et sentient grasses

They'd really done almost the sam e.

They'd really done almost the sam e, they'd really done alm ost the same,

When first they m et sentient grasses, they'd really done almost the sam e.

"Your p lanet is judged and found w anting,

And w hen w e return to the stars

We'll spare all your innocent peop le

But Ronald McDonald is ours "

But Ronald Mc Donald is ours, but Ronald McDonald is ours

Some things just cannot be forgiven, and Ronald M cDonald is ours

MAKIN' POOPIE

C opyright Robin Baylor, 2003-2004,

to the tune of "M akin' Whoopie"

Another diaper, another day

And yet more w aste to put away.

S/he could be peein', but as you're seem '

S/he's mak ing poopie.

All babes & Mom mies, w e gotta know

That w hen it's coming, you gotta go

It's in the diaper; now get the w iper

S/he's m akin poopie.

Every one loves a baby

Except w hen they've got "an air"

Now I am counting time till

I see less derriere

So now they say it's Catch 22

A b etter diaper slows learning, too.

The kid w on't mind it, w hen all's behind it

When making poopie.


21/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1892

FAST BROOM

Spo i le r fo r Har ry Pot te r book #5)

W ords Copy r igh t 2003 D eb r a F r an Bake r a nd N igh tRoads Assoc ia t e s

p rev iou s ly pos t ed to m y l iv e j ouma l , ww w. l iv e jou rna l .com /u s e rs /mam adeb /

a n d t o r m f

t o t he t une o f "Fa s t Ca r" by Tr a cy Chapm an , 1988

I go t a fa s t b room,

M ade to seek l i t t le golden ba l ls

M aybe I c an f ly t o he aven

M a ybe m y b r oom c a n r u n fr om i t a l l

Any fa te is be t te r

Figh t ing to l ive and w hat ' s the use

M aybe I ' ll f ind m yse l f

M aybe I ' l l l ea rn I 've go t no thing to lose .

I go t a f a st b room

He ha s a f am i ly th a t ho lds h im c los e

She can lea rn any spe l l the re is

Fr iends so c lose I 'm af ra id to care

In my fear he ' l l k i l l them too

Jus t cas t h is cur se a s green as my ey es

And I 'l l be a lone w i th j u s t t h i s s ca r

And know wha t i t means to f e ed on dea th .

You s e e You K n ow W h o 's g o t a pr ob le m

If one of us l ives , the other one d ies

And he s ays I 'm th e one w ho ' s go t t o go

I s a y I'm gonn a r i d t he wo r ld o f h im .

M y fo lk s d i ed j u st t o k eep me a l iv e

I t 's no t m uch o f a l i f e but i t 's w ha t I go t ,

And i f s omebo dy ' s go t t o take ca r e o f h im

M igh t a s we l l be m e , w i th no th ing to lo s e .

I go t a f a s t b room

I t fl ie s so fa s t I can sweep the sky .

One day i t 'l l take m e to ba t t le

I 'l l f igh t tha t ghoul or h e ' l l win the da y.

The r e a r e times w hen I 'm f ly ing , f ly ing on m y b room

Flying so fas t I cou ld race the w ind

W hole wor ld benea th my f e e t

Noth ing to fear , no dea th up there

And I had a fee l ing tha t I be long ed

And I had a fee l ing tha t I cou ld l ive for rea l , l ive for rea l , live for rea l

I go t a f a st b room

I can ca tch the l i t t le golden ba l l

He bo ugh t th i s b room fo r me

He w as k i ll ed becau s e I'm too young

I know th ings w on ' t ge t be t te r

He ' l l s t i ll be d ead a nd I ' l l d ie f igh t ing

I 'l l fin ish wi th H ogw ar ts school

F igh t Vo ldem or t un t i l h e k i ll s me .


22/22

XENOFILKIA #94

age 1893

I go t a fa s t b room .

I t take s me f a r away f r om my se l f

Bu t now he ' s dead and i t l i e s in m y t r unk

And m y f r i e nds c an 't s e e why I ke ep a lone .

I d

neve r d r e amed abou t a ny th ing

Excep t how p eop l e I love com e to d i e

I

have no p lan s on how to de f ea t h im

I 'l l t ake m y fas t b room an d keep on f ly ing.

I go t a f a s t b room

I w ish I cou ld f ly away f r om th i s wor ld

But o the r s made t he de c i s ion

I f ight fo r m y l i fe and I ' l l d ie th is w ay .

I go t a fa s t b room . .. .

T H E S O N G O F W A N D E R I N G C H A R L I E

by Ar ie l W e inbe rg

a poem in sp ir ed by Y ea t s ' poem "The Song o f W ande r ing Aengus " and by "Cha r l i e on th e M TA"

I wen t dow n to th e T s t a t ion

Because a t r a in was in m y head

I

k i s s ed m y w i f e and fami ly

And o f f w i th a d ime in m y pocke t I sped .

And w hen I en te red a t Kenda l l Squa r e

And ch anged ca r s fo r the JP route

I d ropped th e d im e in to th e f a r ebox

But t he conduc to r wou ld n o t l e t me ou t .

I gazed in va in upon the f loor

But cou ld not f ind s i lver a f lam e

The cond uctor s t i ll s tood in the do or

And I

could n o t ge t o f f o f tha t t r a in .

M y w i fe st i ll b r ing s m e s andwiche s

Every d ay a t qu a r te r t il l three

She te l ls me W al te r A. O 'Br ian los t

And the fa re 's so h igh I ' ll neve r be f r ee .

Though I am o ld w i th wande r ing

From S co l l ay Squa r e to W onde r l and

I know som eday I ' ll f ind a d im e

And j ump fo r j oy and c l ap my hand s

And w a lk a long th e Esp lanade

And r ide t i ll t ime and t im es a r e done

The S i lv e r Line bu s unde r th e moo n

The Go ld Cab unde rne a th t he sun

Documents

Xenofilkia Issue 94