Www.yoursocialworker.com 1 Who's at my door and why should I let you in? Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with difficult to reach kids

www.yoursocialworker.com 1

Who's at my door and why should I let you in?

Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with

difficult to reach kids

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com


The Four Spheres of a Child’s Life

Biology

Psychology

Family Society

CHILD


Hardwired

Biology

Genetics

Pre-natal care

Environmental toxins


Hardwired and Softwired

Psychology

TemperamentPersonalityIntelligence

Cognitive activityBehaviour

Mood - Affect

Self-Esteem


Within or Beyond One’s Control?

Society

School

FriendsExtracurricular activitiesReligion

Internet

Community


Where Life is First Learned

Family

IntactBlendedSingle parentAdoptedStep Rules, routines

Conflict management

Emotional expressionNurturance


Psychosocial development

Our progress through each stage of development is in part determined by our success, or lack of success, in all the previous stages.

Eric Erikson and the epigenetic principle.


We evolve through social interaction

Socialization imprints on personality and our personality impacts on others. Their reaction to our personality then determines our socialization… and so on.


Walk a mile in their shoes…

Formative experiences teach us how to interact with the world.


We are determined by our formative experiences

I thought the whole world was just like me, until we moved away.. Then I learned I was different.


0 – 1 year old

What’s Going on Developmentally?

The time of attachment


2 – 4 Year Olds


Rapprochement – the time to venture forth…


5 – 12 Year Olds


Cognitive explosion and moral development


Teen Boys and Girls


Social rapprochement and developing of intimate relationships


Harmful Events

Neglect Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Physical abuse Sexual abuse

Intra-familial vs. Extra-familial Witnessing domestic violence Loss


Harmful Events Affect Behaviour

Behavioral, social, and emotional problems higher levels of aggression, anger, hostility,

oppositional behavior, and disobedience; fear, anxiety, withdrawal, and depression; poor peer, sibling, and social relationships; low self-esteem.


It hurts them…

Cognitive and attitudinal problems lower cognitive functioning, poor school

performance, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem-solving skills, acceptance of violent behaviors and attitudes, belief in rigid gender stereotypes and male privilege.


…and can last a lifetime.

Long-term problems During childhood, harmful events can disrupt the child’s

ability to form meaningful attachments. This in turn affects relationships with others who may be poised to help.

Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms, increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships


Signs of Disturbance

Anxiety and Depression

A feeling associated with fear or dread for an negatively anticipated outcome.

A feeling associated with a of loss. The loss can be tangible or psychological.



•Missed school or poor school performance•Changes in eating and sleeping habits•Withdrawal from friends and activities once enjoyed •Persistent sadness and hopelessness•Problems with authority•Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness•Poor self-esteem or guilt•Overreaction to criticism•Frequent physical complaints, such as headaches and stomachaches•Anger and rage•Lack of enthusiasm, low energy or motivation•Drug and/or alcohol abuse•Thoughts of death or suicide



Other issues affecting behaviour:

ADD/ADHD

Learning differences

Language and auditory processing disorders

Attachment difficulties


The World of the Parent(s)

Perhaps the same as for the child Domestic violence? Drug/Alcohol dependency Depression / Anxiety Poor self esteem Guilt? Jealousy? Fear? Immigration issues if from another country Custody/access issues Money


Worker Characteristics

Motivation School requirement – volunteer hours Righting a personal past wrong Altruism / charity / good deed


Take one part child, one part parent

and one part worker… Blend.

There is AWAYS more than just you and the child involved in EVERY meeting or interaction:

Child and their history and worldParent(s) and their history and worldMentor and their history and worldAgency with rules, expectations and responsibilities


Rules, Expectations and Responsibilities

Confidentiality Child protection Reports …and?


RESPECT

1. Polite expressions of consideration or deference

2. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation

3. To avoid violation of or interference with


Support without interfering - boundaries

Active listening Reflecting the message Avoidance of Argument Avoidance of Control Unconditional positive regard Willingness for another to be separate

Carl Rogers – The Person-Centred Relationship


Structure/Routine

Check in with parent before and after Check in with child – tune in – before and after Have a regular format - a beginning and an

end


Pace

Rapport is a byproduct of relationship building over time

The turtle vs. the hare The goal is the relationship – not the fun. Fun is a tool for building the relationship, not

an end in itself!


Beginnings

There is no reason to expect trust Trust is earned over time Trust is built as a byproduct of decency, manners,

appropriate behaviour and BEING ON TIME – EVERYTIME.

Trust is also a function of permission – approval from the parent for the child’s activity!


Endings

May mirror past losses May seek to avoid with poor behaviour Is best when by mutual consent Transition vs. loss


Managing Behaviour

How you respond will determine what you get back.

Here’s how it all works…


RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE

The story of the two dogs…

The dog that wins is the one your feed.

Which dog do you feed?



Set Up For Success

Always have children's attention when talking and give them all the information necessary to do what is expected, appropriate to their level of understanding.



The Power Of Feedback

Provide the right information so children know what you want. Provide feedback to let children know they are on the right track to help the desired behaviour get repeated.



Key Ingredients to Self Esteem

•Valuing

•Competency

•Structure.

•Doing good deeds



Praise And Self Esteem

Praise is necessary but not sufficient. To facilitate healthy self-esteem provide generous amounts of valuing, opportunities to develop competency, opportunities for doing good deeds, and structure.



Negotiating

Negotiating offers a process where both sides can come away winners. Sometimes parents have to remember to let go a little.



You are always on!

Be aware of how you are interacting while in the company of children. Children are more aware than we sometimes realize. Children will always learn more from what we do than what we say. We call this… Role Modelling.



I am at your door and I am here to be your mentor –a partner in your development. I will respect our differences, work to gain your trust and through activities and our time together, present myself as a positive role model.



Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with

difficult to reach kids

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com

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Www.yoursocialworker.com 1 Who's at my door and why should I let you in? Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with difficult to reach kids