Www Nytimes Com 2014-01-19 Opinion Sunday for the Love of Mo

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IN my last year on Wall Streetmy bonus was $3.6 million

and I was angry becauseit

wasnt big enough. I was30

years old, had no childrento

raise, no debts to pay, no

By SA M POLK JAN . 1 8 , 20 1 4

283 COMMENTS

SundayReview | OPINION

For the Love of Money

hing,OPINION

For the Love of MoneyCONTRIBUTING OP-ED WRITER

Google, Tell Me. Is My

Son a Genius?

CONTRIBUTING OP-ED WRITER

Sex and the Single Senior

OPINION

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philanthropic goal in mind. I

wanted more money for exactly

the same reason an alcoholic

needs another drink: I was

addicted.

Eight years earlier, Id walked

onto the trading floor at Credit

Suisse First Boston to begin my

summer internship. I already

knew I wanted to be rich, but

when I started out I had a

different idea about what wealthmeant. Id come to Wall Street after

reading in the book Liars Poker how

Michael Lewis earned a $225,000

bonus after just two years of work on a

trading floor. That seemed like a

fortune. Every January and February,

I think about that time, because these

are the months when bonuses are

decided and distributed, when fortunes

are made.

Id learned about the importance of

Owen Freem an
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being rich from my dad. He was a

modern-day Willy Loman, a salesman

with huge dreams that never seemed to

materialize. Imagine what life will be

like, hed say, when I make a million

dollars. While he dreamed of selling a

screenplay, in reality he sold kitchen

cabinets. And not that well. We

sometimes lived paycheck to paycheck

off my moms nurse-practitioner salary.

Dad believed money would solve all his

problems. At 22, so did I. When Iwalked onto that trading floor for the

first time and saw the glowing flat-

screen TVs, high-tech computer

monitors and phone turrets with enough

dials, knobs and buttons to make it

seem like the cockpit of a fighter plane, I

knew exactly what I wanted to do with

the rest of my life. It looked as if the

traders were playing a video game inside a spaceship; if you won this

video game, you became what I most wanted to be rich.

IT was a miracle Id made it to Wall Street at all. While I was
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competitive and ambitious a wrestler at Columbia University I was

also a daily drinker and pot smoker and a regular user of cocaine, Ritalin

and ecstasy. I had a propensity for self-destruction that had resulted in

my getting suspended from Columbia for burglary, arrested twice and

fired from an Internet company for fistfighting. I learned about rage

from my dad, too. I can still see his red, contorted face as he charged

toward me. Id lied my way into the C.S.F.B. internship by omitting my

transgressions from my rsum and was determined not to blow what

seemed a final chance. The only thing as important to me as that

internship was my girlfriend, a starter on the Columbia volleyball team.

But even though I was in love with her, when I got drunk Id sometimes

end up with other women.

Three weeks into my internship she wisely dumped me. I dont like who

youve become, she said. I couldnt blame her, but I was so devastated

that I couldnt get out of bed. In desperation, I called a counselor whom

I had reluctantly seen a few times before and asked for help.

She helped me see that I was using alcohol and drugs to blunt the

powerlessness I felt as a kid and suggested I give them up. That begansome of the hardest months of my life. Without the alcohol and drugs in

my system, I felt like my chest had been cracked open, exposing my

heart to air. The counselor said that my abuse of drugs and alcohol was a

symptom of an underlying problem a spiritual malady, she called it.

C.S.F.B. didnt offer me a full-time job, and I returned, distraught, to
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Columbia for senior year.

After graduation, I got a job at Bank of America, by the grace of a

managing director willing to take a chance on a kid who had called him

every day for three weeks. With a year of sobriety under my belt, I was

sharp, cleareyed and hard-working. At the end of my first year I was

thrilled to receive a $40,000 bonus. For the first time in my life, I didnt

have to check my balance before I withdrew money. But a week later, a

trader who was only four years my senior got hired away by C.S.F.B. for

$900,000. After my initial envious shock his haul was 22 times the

size of my bonus I grew excited at how much money was available.

Over the next few years I worked like a maniac and began to move up

the Wall Street ladder. I became a bond and credit default swap trader,

one of the more lucrative roles in the business. Just four years after I

started at Bank of America, Citibank offered me a 1 .75 by 2 which

means $1.75 million per year for two years, and I used it to get a

promotion. I started dating a pretty blonde and rented a loft apartment

on Bond Street for $6,000 a month.

I felt so important. At 25, I could go to any restaurant in Manhattan

Per Se, Le Bernardin just by picking up the phone and calling one of

my brokers, who ingratiate themselves to traders by entertaining with

unlimited expense accounts. I could be second row at the Knicks-Lakers

game just by hinting to a broker I might be interested in going. The


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satisfaction wasnt just about the money. It was about the power.

Because of how smart and successful I was, it was someone elses job to

make me happy.

Still, I was nagged by envy. On a trading desk everyone sits together,

from interns to managing directors. When the guy next to you makes

$10 million, $1 million or $2 million doesnt look so sweet. Nonetheless, I

was thrilled with my progress.

My counselor didnt share my elation. She said I might be using money

the same way Id used drugs and alcohol to make myself feel powerful

and that maybe it would benefit me to stop focusing on accumulating

more and instead focus on healing my inner wound. Inner wound? I

thought that was going a little far and went to work for a hedge fund.

Now, working elbow to elbow with billionaires, I was a giant fireball of

greed. Id think about how my colleagues could buy Micronesia if they

wanted to, or become mayor of New York City. They didnt just have

money; they had power power beyond getting a table at Le

Bernardin. Senators came to their offices. They were royalty.

I wanted a billion dollars. Its staggering to think that in the course of

five years, Id gone from being thrilled at my first bonus $40,000

to being disappointed when, my second year at the hedge fund, I was

paid only $1.5 million.


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Owen Freema n


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But in the end, it was actually my absurdly wealthy bosses who helped

me see the limitations of unlimited wealth. I was in a meeting with one of

them, and a few other traders, and they were talking about the new

hedge-fund regulations. Most everyone on Wall Street thought they

were a bad idea. But isnt it better for the system as a whole? I asked.The room went quiet, and my boss shot me a withering look. I

remember his saying, I dont have the brain capacity to think about the

system as a whole. All Im concerned with is how this affects our

company.

I felt as if Id been punched in the gut. He was afraid of losing money,

despite all that he had.

From that moment on, I started to see Wall Street with new eyes. I

noticed the vitriol that traders directed at the government for limiting

bonuses after the crash. I heard the fury in their voices at the mention

of higher taxes. T hese traders despised anything or anyone that

threatened their bonuses. Ever see what a drug addict is like when hes

used up his junk? Hell do anything walk 20 miles in the snow, rob a

grandma to get a fix. Wall Street was like that. In the months before

bonuses were handed out, the trading floor started to feel like a

neighborhood in The Wire when the heroin runs out.

Id always looked enviously at the people who earned more than I did;


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now, for the first time, I was embarrassed for them, and for me. I made

in a single year more than my mom made her whole life. I knew that

wasnt fair; that wasnt right. Yes, I was sharp, good with numbers. I

had marketable talents. But in the end I didnt really do anything. I was

a derivatives trader, and it occurred to me the world would hardly

change at all if credit derivatives ceased to exist. Not so nurse

practitioners. What had seemed normal now seemed deeply distorted.

I had recently finished Taylor Branchs three-volume series on the Rev.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement, and the image

of the Freedom Riders stepping out of their bus into an infuriated mob

had seared itself into my mind. Id told myself that if Id been alive in

the 60s, I would have been on that bus.

But I was lying to myself. There were plenty of injustices out there

rampant poverty, swelling prison populations, a sexual-assault epidemic,

an obesity crisis. Not only was I not helping to fix any problems in the

world, but I was profiting from them. During the market crash in 2008,

Id made a ton of money by shorting the derivatives of risky companies.

As the world crumbled, I profited. Id seen the crash coming, but insteadof trying to help the people it would hurt the most people who didnt

have a million dollars in the bank Id made money off it. I dont like

who youve become, my girlfriend had said years earlier. She was right

then, and she was still right. Only now, I didnt like who Id become

either.


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Wealth addiction was described by the late sociologist and playwright

Philip Slater in a 1980 book, but addiction researchers have paid the

concept little attention. Like alcoholics driving drunk, wealth addiction

imperils everyone. Wealth addicts are, more than anybody, specifically

responsible for the ever widening rift that is tearing apart our once great

country. Wealth addicts are responsible for the vast and toxic disparitybetween the rich and the poor and the annihilation of the middle class.

Only a wealth addict would feel justified in receiving $14 million in

compensation including an $8.5 million bonus as the McDonalds

C.E.O., Don Thompson, did in 2012, while his company then published a

brochure for its work force on how to survive on their low wages. Only a

wealth addict would earn hundreds of millions as a hedge-fund manager,

and then lobby to maintain a tax loophole that gave him a lower tax rate

than his secretary.

DESPITE my realizations, it was incredibly difficult to leave. I was

terrified of running out of money and of forgoing future bonuses. More

than anything, I was afraid that five or 10 years down the road, Id feel

like an idiot for walking away from my one chance to be reallyimportant. What made it harder was that people thought I was crazy for

thinking about leaving. In 2010, in a final paroxysm of my withering

addiction, I demanded $8 million instead of $3.6 million. My bosses said

theyd raise my bonus if I agreed to stay several more years. Instead, I

walked away.


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The first year was really hard. I went through what I can only describe

as withdrawal waking up at nights panicked about running out of

money, scouring the headlines to see which of my old co-workers had

gotten promoted. Over time it got easier I started to realize that I had

enough money, and if I needed to make more, I could. But my wealth

addiction still hasnt gone completely away. Sometimes I still buy lottery

tickets.

In the three years since I left, Ive married, spoken in jails and juvenile

detention centers about getting sober, taught a writing class to girls in

the foster system, and started a nonprofit called Groceryships to help

poor families struggling with obesity and food addiction. I am much

happier. I feel as if Im making a real contribution. And as time passes,the distortion lessens. I see Wall Streets mantra Were smarter and

work harder than everyone else, so we deserve all this money for

what it is: the rationalization of addicts. From a distance I can see what I

couldnt see then that Wall Street is a toxic culture that encourages

the grandiosity of people who are desperately try ing to feel powerful.

I was lucky. My experience with drugs and alcohol allowed me torecognize my pursuit of wealth as an addiction. The y ears of work I did

h l h l d h l h


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with my counselor helped me heal the

parts of myself that felt damaged and

inadequate, so that I had enough of a

core sense of self to walk away.

Dozens of different ty pes of 12-step

support groups including ClutterersAnonymous and On-Line Gamers

Anonymous exist to help addicts of

various types, yet there is no Wealth

Addicts Anonymous. Why not?

Because our culture supports and even

lauds the addiction. Look at themagazine covers in any newsstand,

plastered with the faces of celebrities and C.E.O.'s; the superrich are our

cultural gods. I hope we all confront our part in enabling wealth addicts

to exert so much influence over our country .

I generally think that if one is rich and believes they have enough,

they are not a wealth addict. On Wall Street, in my experience, thatsense of enough is rare. The money guy doing a job he complains about

for yet another year so he can add $2 million to his $20 million bank

account seems like an addict.

I recently got an email from a hedge-fund trader who said that though

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he was making millions every year, he felt trapped and empty, but

couldnt summon the courage to leave. I believe there are others out

there. Maybe we can form a group and confront our addiction together.

And if you identify with what Ive written, but are reticent to leave, then

take a small step in the right direction. Lets create a fund, where

everyone agrees to put, say , 25 percent of their annual bonuses into it,

and well use that to help some of the people who actually need the

money that weve been so rabidly chasing. Together, maybe we can

make a real contribution to the world.

Sam Polk is a former hedge-fund trader and the founder of the nonprofit

Groceryships.

A vers ion of this op-ed appears in print on January 19, 2014, on page SR1 of the New York edition with

the headline: For the Love of Money. Order Reprints | Today's Paper| Subscribe

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Www Nytimes Com 2014-01-19 Opinion Sunday for the Love of Mo