Words Women Use Words Women Use Fine: Fine: the word women use to end anthe word women use to end anargument when they are right and the argument when they are right and the man needs to shut up.man needs to shut up.Five Minutes: Five Minutes: if she is getting dressed,if she is getting dressed,this is half an hour; 5 minutes is only this is half an hour; 5 minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before5 more minutes to watch the game beforehelping out around the house.helping out around the house.Nothing: Nothing: this is the calm before the storm.this is the calm before the storm.It means “something” and the man should It means “something” and the man should Be on his toes. Arguments that begin with Be on his toes. Arguments that begin with ““nothing” usually end in “fine.”nothing” usually end in “fine.”

Words Women Use Words Women Use

Go ahead: Go ahead: this is a dare, not permission; this is a dare, not permission; Guys: DON’T DO IT!!!Guys: DON’T DO IT!!!

Loud sigh: Loud sigh: although not actually a word,although not actually a word,the loud sigh is often misunderstood by the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks youmen. A loud sigh means she thinks youare an idiot and wonders why she is are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “nothing.”arguing with you over “nothing.”

Words Women Use Words Women Use

That’s OK: That’s OK: this is one of this is one of the most dangerous statements that a the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.will pay for your mistake.Thanks: Thanks: This is the least used of all wordsThis is the least used of all wordsin the female vocabulary. If a woman isin the female vocabulary. If a woman isthanking you, do not question it. Just say:thanking you, do not question it. Just say:““You’re welcome” and back slowly out You’re welcome” and back slowly out of the room. of the room.

Words Women Use Words Women Use Whatever: Whatever: It’s a woman’s way It’s a woman’s way of saying: “*&%$ you!”of saying: “*&%$ you!”

Don’t worry about it. I got it: Don’t worry about it. I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning Another dangerous statement, meaning that is something that a woman has told a that is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man herself. This will later result in a man asking, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s asking, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response see previous: “Nothing” followed response see previous: “Nothing” followed by “Fine!”by “Fine!”

John Gray, Ph.D.John Gray, Ph.D.

Copyright 1992,Copyright 1992,HarperCollins HarperCollins Publishers, Publishers, New York, NYNew York, NY

““The classic guide to understanding theThe classic guide to understanding theopposite (gender).”opposite (gender).”

And remember, everyone, Dr. And remember, everyone, Dr. Gray’s work is a Gray’s work is a theory; theory; but but

oneone based on years of based on years of research.research.

OK, you OK, you psychology psychology

students.students. What What is theis the most most frequently frequently expressed expressed

complaint that complaint that women have women have about menabout men??

Dr. Gray, that’s an Dr. Gray, that’s an easy oneeasy one:: men don’t men don’t

listenlisten..When I want empathy, When I want empathy,

he thinks I want he thinks I want solutions.solutions.

Miss Becky, that is Miss Becky, that is exactly what my exactly what my

research has research has discovered. OK, then,discovered. OK, then,

what iswhat is the most the most frequently expressed frequently expressed complaint men have complaint men have

about women?about women?Dr. Gray, I believe it is thatDr. Gray, I believe it is that women are always trying to women are always trying to

change change us us men.men.

Hey! We feel Hey! We feel responsible for assisting responsible for assisting you guys grow—to help you guys grow—to help you improve the way you improve the way

you do things.you do things.I, an open-minded I, an open-minded

person, appreciate that person, appreciate that point. Research, point. Research,

however, shows thathowever, shows that while women think they while women think they are nurturing us,are nurturing us, men men feel that women are feel that women are

trying to control them. trying to control them. What men really want is What men really want is

acceptance.acceptance.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Both Mr. and Mrs. Simoncini are right in their Simoncini are right in their

points. So how can we points. So how can we solve those two problems? solve those two problems?

Well, we must first Well, we must first understand why understand why men offer men offer solutions and women seek solutions and women seek to improve.to improve. To do that, we To do that, we

need to explore life on need to explore life on both planets. Let’s first both planets. Let’s first

head to Mars.head to Mars.

Martians value power,Martians value power,competency, efficiency, and competency, efficiency, and achievement. They like to doachievement. They like to dothings to improve themselvesthings to improve themselvesand develop their power andand develop their power andskills.skills.

A man’s sense of self is A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability defined through his ability

to achieve results.to achieve results.

So when a So when a woman woman

innocently innocently shares upset shares upset feelings or feelings or

explores out-explores out-loud the loud the

problems of her problems of her day…day…

……a man a man mistakenly mistakenly

assumes she is assumes she is looking for some looking for some

advice.advice.

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset, it becomes increasingly continues to be upset, it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is difficult for him to listen because his solution is

being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

Now we’ll travel to Venus; Now we’ll travel to Venus; and we’ll find thatand we’ll find that

Venusians have different Venusians have different values from Martians.values from Martians.

Venusians value love, Venusians value love, beauty, beauty, communication, and relation-communication, and relation-ships. They spend a lot of ships. They spend a lot of time time supporting, helping and supporting, helping and nurturing one another.nurturing one another.

A woman’s sense of self is A woman’s sense of self is defined through her defined through her

feelings and the quality of feelings and the quality of her relationships.her relationships.

That’s so true, Dr. Gray. We That’s so true, Dr. Gray. We Venusians are more Venusians are more

concerned with living together concerned with living together in harmony, community and in harmony, community and

loving cooperation. loving cooperation. Communication is of primary Communication is of primary

importance.importance. To share To share personal feelings is much personal feelings is much

more important than more important than achieving goals and success.achieving goals and success.

Wow!, Dr. Gray. That’s Wow!, Dr. Gray. That’s hecka hard for a guy to hecka hard for a guy to

understand.understand.

I know it is, Pete. Just think I know it is, Pete. Just think of the difference this way:of the difference this way:

men are goal oriented, men are goal oriented, while women are while women are

relationship oriented—relationship oriented—they they are more concerned with are more concerned with

expressing their goodness, expressing their goodness, love and caring.love and caring.

So, Dr. Gray, if everyone on So, Dr. Gray, if everyone on Venus (all women) are very Venus (all women) are very involved in beautiful things involved in beautiful things

like personal growth, like personal growth, spirituality, and everything spirituality, and everything

that can nurture life, healing that can nurture life, healing and growth, why is that so and growth, why is that so

hard for men to grasp?hard for men to grasp?That’s an excellent question, That’s an excellent question,

Lisa.Lisa. What many women What many women have no conception of is have no conception of is

male sensitivity. male sensitivity. Let me have Let me have a typical Martian explain a typical Martian explain

further.further.

I’d be happy to, Dr. Gray. I’d be happy to, Dr. Gray. If someone offers to help If someone offers to help a woman, it makes her a woman, it makes her

feel loved and cherished. feel loved and cherished. But But offering help to a man offering help to a man

can make him feel can make him feel incompetent, weak, and incompetent, weak, and

even unloved.even unloved.

Your point is correct, Homer. Your point is correct, Homer. When a woman tries to improve a When a woman tries to improve a manman, he feels she is trying to fix , he feels she is trying to fix him—he receives the message him—he receives the message that he is broken, which that he is broken, which may may

actually humiliate himactually humiliate him..

But, Dr. Gray, it goes the other But, Dr. Gray, it goes the other way too.way too. Often men don’t Often men don’t

understand how women are understand how women are different different and sometimes that and sometimes that

lack of understanding can make lack of understanding can make problems worse.problems worse.

Exactly, Marge.Exactly, Marge. Many times Many times a woman just wants to a woman just wants to

share her feelings share her feelings about about her dayher day and her and her husband husband (or(or boyfriend), boyfriend), thinking he thinking he

is helping,is helping, interrupts her by interrupts her by offering offering a steady flow ofa steady flow of

solutions solutions to her problems.to her problems.

So, Mustang students, in So, Mustang students, in summary here are the summary here are the

two most common two most common mistakesmistakes we make we make in in

relationshipsrelationships..A man tries to change a woman’s A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by feelings when she is upset by

becoming becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to

her her problems that invalidate her problems that invalidate her

feelings.feelings.A woman tries to change a man’s behaviorA woman tries to change a man’s behaviorwhen he makes mistakes by becoming thewhen he makes mistakes by becoming the

home improvement committee andhome improvement committee andoffering unsolicited advice or criticism.offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

So, we have So, we have just had a just had a discussion discussion about the about the

most most common common mistakes mistakes

people make people make inin

inter-gender inter-gender relationships.relationships.

Now, we’ll Now, we’ll look at a look at a

few of the few of the other other

jewels that jewels that Dr. Gray Dr. Gray offers in offers in his book.his book.

Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Simoncini.Simoncini. One of the biggest One of the biggest differences between men and differences between men and women iswomen is how how they they cope with cope with

stress.stress.To feel betterTo feel better in stressful in stressful situationssituations, Martians go to their , Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone caves to solve problems alone

while Venusians get together to while Venusians get together to talk about their problems.talk about their problems.

Women Women generally do not generally do not understand how Martians understand how Martians cope with stress. Theycope with stress. They

expect men to open up and expect men to open up and talk about all their problems talk about all their problems the way Venusians dothe way Venusians do. They . They need to leave the men alone need to leave the men alone to solve their problems, but to solve their problems, but also quietly show support.also quietly show support.And, Miss Becky, men And, Miss Becky, men

generally do not understand generally do not understand thatthat a woman under stress a woman under stress is is not immediately concerned not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her with finding solutions to her problems; rather sheproblems; rather she seeks seeks relief by expressing herself relief by expressing herself

and being understood.and being understood.

Thank you, Dr. Gray.Thank you, Dr. Gray. Men are motivated Men are motivated

and empowered and empowered when they feel when they feel

neededneeded..

OK, Mustangs. Have you OK, Mustangs. Have you ever wondered what ever wondered what

motivates people of the motivates people of the opposite gender? Here are opposite gender? Here are some of your former and some of your former and

current classmates to answer current classmates to answer that question.that question.

And And women are motivated women are motivated and empowered when and empowered when they feel they feel cherished.cherished.

Although he still needs to Although he still needs to receive love,receive love, a man’s a man’s

greatest need is to greatest need is to give give love.love.

And, Jon,And, Jon, it is soit is so important for a important for a woman to feel that she is woman to feel that she is

supported by someone who supported by someone who cares.cares.

Kyle and Whitney, people need Kyle and Whitney, people need to understand these important to understand these important

factors about the opposite factors about the opposite gender in order to understand gender in order to understand

gender motivation.gender motivation.

The last jewel I have is the The last jewel I have is the following saying: following saying: “men are like “men are like rubber bands while women are rubber bands while women are

like waves.”like waves.” As Sergeant As Sergeant Edlao used to say, “Lemme Edlao used to say, “Lemme

‘splain.”‘splain.”

Dr. Gray, doesn’t the Dr. Gray, doesn’t the statement about statement about

men being rubber men being rubber bands mean that bands mean that sometimes men sometimes men

need to pull away need to pull away from their partners from their partners before they can get before they can get

closercloser??Exactly, Ross.Exactly, Ross. A man A man

automatically alternates automatically alternates between needing intimacy between needing intimacy and autonomy and autonomy (or being (or being

alone.)alone.)

Here is what I mean, and Here is what I mean, and this can be very confusing this can be very confusing for women.for women. Often when a Often when a

woman starts to talk about woman starts to talk about things with feeling, a man things with feeling, a man starts to feel this urge to starts to feel this urge to

pull away. This is because pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and and create intimacy, and

when a man gets too close when a man gets too close he automatically pulls he automatically pulls

away. away. Eventually, Eventually, however, he will return however, he will return

and want to talk.and want to talk.

But, Dr. Gray, men But, Dr. Gray, men generally don’t realize generally don’t realize

how their suddenly how their suddenly pulling away and then pulling away and then

later returning affects a later returning affects a woman. She often feels woman. She often feels when he won’t talk, he when he won’t talk, he

doesn’t love her.doesn’t love her.Correct, Rachel. That is why Correct, Rachel. That is why women need to make men women need to make men

aware of their feelings aware of their feelings in non-in non-threatening waysthreatening ways and men and men, in , in

turn,turn, have to listen, understand have to listen, understand & respect women’s feelings.& respect women’s feelings.

Hey, Dr. Gray, so what’s Hey, Dr. Gray, so what’s this about women being this about women being

like waves?like waves?

Well, Joey,Well, Joey, a woman’s a woman’s self-esteem rises and falls self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. like a wave. When she is When she is on or near the top of the on or near the top of the

wave, everything is great. wave, everything is great. But But when she hits bottom when she hits bottom

(is not feeling as good (is not feeling as good about herself),about herself), it is a time it is a time

for emotional for emotional housecleaning.housecleaning.

You see, in You see, in relationships, men pull relationships, men pull

back and then get close, back and then get close, while women rise and while women rise and fall in their ability to fall in their ability to love themselves and love themselves and

others.others.So,So, when a woman moves into when a woman moves into her well, her well, her significant other her significant other

needs to learn that thisneeds to learn that this is when is when she needs him the most, and it is she needs him the most, and it is

not a problem to be solved or not a problem to be solved or fixed, butfixed, but an opportunity to an opportunity to

support her with unconditional support her with unconditional love.love.

Mustang psychology Mustang psychology students, I am students, I am

Barbara Walters. We Barbara Walters. We are now going to are now going to

watch a segment of watch a segment of ABC News’ ABC News’ 20/2020/20 that that

I hosted several I hosted several years ago. It is a years ago. It is a

good supplement to good supplement to your study of Dr. John your study of Dr. John Gray’s theories. Pay Gray’s theories. Pay attention: you must attention: you must

write a write a journal journal reactionreaction when the when the

film is over.film is over.

First, we’ll watch 6 First, we’ll watch 6 couples, each of couples, each of

whom have marital whom have marital issues. They are: issues. They are:

Sandy and Art, Sandy and Art, Marie and Yves,Marie and Yves,Fran and Mike,Fran and Mike,Kathy and Pat,Kathy and Pat,

Sandra and Bob, & Sandra and Bob, & Diane and BruceDiane and Bruce. .

In Part I we will watch In Part I we will watch them interact and them interact and

discuss their feelings indiscuss their feelings in4 topic areas:4 topic areas:

Romance,Romance,The Daily Grind,The Daily Grind,

Coping with Stress, &Coping with Stress, &Arguing.Arguing.

Then Dr. Gray will host Then Dr. Gray will host them at a seminar and them at a seminar and will provide them with will provide them with

insight and suggestions insight and suggestions to help them in their to help them in their

relationships.relationships.

Now write your Now write your journal journal reactionreaction. What did you . What did you

learn about adult learn about adult psychological psychological

developmentdevelopment from both from both the PowerPoint lecture the PowerPoint lecture and the film entitled and the film entitled

Men Are From Mars and Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Women Are From

Venus?Venus? Discuss at Discuss at least least 5 different points5 different points. . In your journal, call this In your journal, call this entry: entry: Chapter 3: Men Chapter 3: Men

are from Mars and are from Mars and Women are from Women are from

Venus.Venus.