What makes me mad?

It’s the little things that make you mad. Have you noticed that? For example, you are in a train reading a book. The man sitting next to you has a cold. He sniffs and sniffs and sniffs. You think, “why won’t he blow his nose?” But he doesn’t blow his nose. He keeps sniffing. That’s very irritating. Then he sneezes all over your book. That’s really annoying. It happened to me last week.

Or, you sit down on a park bench, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are singing. Life is just so good. Then you realize you are stuck to the bench. Somebody, some awful, nasty, evil person left a piece of fresh, sticky chewing gum on the bench and you sat right down on top of it.

Now your backside is covered in horrible, sticky, pink stuff. If you are lucky you’re wearing a pair of old jeans. If you’re unlucky you are wearing that brand new, expensive outfit you bought yesterday. But either way you’re really mad.

Also annoying are church bells. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. I live quite close to a big church and every Sunday at 10am I hear ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. For 10 minutes! I hide under the covers, I put my fingers in my ears, I imagine a beautiful tropical island, the sand, the sea, sunshine. But still, I can still hear the bells and I’m really annoyed. And they are not even real bells. No, it’s a recording, a recording of bells.

I think everyone knows when it’s time to go to church. They don’t need bells to remind them. Or if they do why can’t they set an alarm on their cell phone.

Of course cell phones can be really annoying too. Other people’s cell phones that is. I hate stupid ring tones. Most of all I hate The Blue Danube ring tone. Do you know it? It’s a waltz by Strauss. A very annoying waltz.

Also I hate people who shout into their cell phones. Last week I was standing in a very long line in a supermarket. Then I heard it, The Blue Danube, right behind me. It played three times before the man answered his phone. He was a big man, huge, enormous, a giant, King Kong with a shopping trolley. And he had a very, very loud voice.

“Yeah,” he said, when he answered the phone. I am, as you know, an English teacher, and “yeah” is not a good way to answer the phone. I say, for example, “Hello, how can I help you?” Not “yeah.” Definitely not. Never. It’s very rude. But, I suppose, if you’re as big King Kong you can be rude and nobody will object.

And he was very aggressive. He said things like, “you tell him, if he’s not there in one hour, I’ll kill him.” He also said, “I’ll punch his lights out.” If you punch somebody’s lights out you hit them very hard. And then he said, “I’ll rip his head off.” Why was he so angry? And who was he so angry at?

I’m not sure because I could only hear his side of the conversation. But he mentioned his stamp collection, 15 bottles of beer and vomit. If I drank 15 bottles of beer I would definitely vomit. I would be very, very sick, sick as a dog. So I think somebody had

drunk too much beer and vomited on King Kong’s stamp collection. So King Kong was very, very angry.

Nobody has ever vomited on me although somebody did vomit on my handbag. It was revolting. It happened in a fast food café, you know, hamburgers, horrible coffee, mac-this, mac-that, mac-everything. I was more disgusted than angry.

I washed my bag three times but it still stank like a stale cheeseburger. Finally I burned it, I burned my favorite handbag. Guys, you have no idea how that feels. But let me give you a tip, never, never burn your girlfriend’s favorite handbag. Don’t even think about it. It would annoy her a lot, definitely.

I try not be angry, annoyed, irritated or agitated. I try to smile. I try to be philosophical. I try to think nice thoughts about the person with The Blue Danube ring tone or the man with a nose full of snot or the priest who just turned on the very loud recording of church bells. But somehow I just don’t seem able to manage it. It’s the way I am. It’s the way I’m made.

I’m just not cut out to be a Buddhist monk. Maybe in the next life.