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Parting mindfullyNAVIGATING SEPARATION, DIVORCE, AND BEYOND

Kara L Collins, MFT-C

“Divorcism”

There is a “right way” to divorce I gave up or didn’t try hard enough My children will be damaged

forever I should be happy Divorce has to involved a lot of

conflict No one understands Single parent families are harmful

to children I will be alone forever We should stay together for the

kids

Common Assumptions

Reality for Parents

Social isolation Depression Grief Loss of support (friends

and family) Moving Loss of job or need to

gain employment Loss of income Impact on children

Parents

Reality for Children

Grief Loss of routine Loss of stability New school New responsibilities Loss of

activities/lifestyle Loss of non-custodial

parent and extended family

Loss of siblings and friends

Children

A ROAD MAP TO SEPARATION & DIVORCE

Ahrons’ Four Types of Divorced Couples

The style of interaction and communication a couple develops post divorce affects all of their future intimate

relationships and family relationships.

Perfect Pals & Cooperative Colleagues

Perfect Pals•High interaction and communication•Close and caring relationship

Cooperative Colleagues•Moderate interaction and high

communication•Able to compartmentalize anger

Angry Associates & Fiery Foes

Angry Associates•Moderate Interaction and Low

Communication•Unable to contain their anger to marital

differences

Fiery Foes•Little interaction and low communication

•highly litigious divorces

Dissolved Duos

•Single parent

•No contact with non-custodial parent

•Lack of contact can negatively effectchildren, even if the marriage was unsafe

The Emotional Process of Divorce

Think of divorce as a ‘developmental transition’

The Formal Divorce

• “Divorce within a Divorce”Social, spiritual, financial, mental,

emotional, etc.

•Legal agreement for custody, child and spousal support, and community property.

•Take it slow- try not to make legal decision in the midst of emotional overwhelm or crisis

Get the info you needKnow your rightsConsider info carefully before making a

decision

•Ask yourself:Will I get revenge? Will this help me

move on?

Alternatives to Litigation

Mediation Collaborative Law Parent Classes & Education Marriage Classes & Education Financial Planners Divorce Coaches Family Counseling Support Groups

How Divorce Affects Adolescents

GIRLS• Internalize

• “Sleeper-effect”

• Somatic symptoms

• Struggle with relationships in the future

BOYS •Externalize

• Show adjustment issues immediately

• Overtly symptomatic

• Better success in future relationships

•Adolescents probably know what is going on•Keep boundaries and routine consistent to avoid splitting•Conflict between parents may negatively affect long term

relationships with children

Family Structure

BlakeBlake CarlyCarly

DavidDavid MariaMaria Pre-Divorce

Post Announcement

DavidDavid

BlakeBlake CarlyCarly

MariaMaria Family systems are always trying to maintain homeostasis.

When one parent leaves, the system becomes destabilized and family members attempt to reestablish stability.Ex) A chair missing a leg

Triangulation

CarlyCarly

DavidDavidMariaMaria

BlakeBlake

Post Separation •When a system becomes unstable due to divorce or conflict anxiety arises. •In attempts to stabilize the marital relationship, children will often become the 3rd leg to lower the anxiety.

•Parents can assign this role or some kids will act out drawing attention away from the conflict between parents. •This creates the common dynamic of children of divorced families being “caught in the middle”.

Parentification

1 year post separation

CarlyCarly

MariaMariaDavidDavid MariaMariaCarlyCarly

•Common for child/children to assume the roles and responsibilities of the absent parent.

•Potential for parentification increases when parent is seriously emotionally distressed by the divorce, has a previous mental illness, or in the case of a “Dissolved Duo”.

• Best way to counteract this common pattern is to seek support for yourself and children, continue to hold boundaries, and keep marital issues and conflict away from kids. Ex) therapy, family therapy, support groups, mentors, extended family members

Beyond Divorce Dating, Remarriage, and Step-

Parenting

Consider dating and remarriage another major family transition• establish new roles, rituals, boundaries, and structure

AnnaAnna

TheresaTheresa

BlakeBlake CarlyCarly

DavidDavid MariaMariaTomTom

5 years post separation

Step-sister

Step-mom

Dating & Remarriage

• 60% of second marriages end in divorce

• What you do in your personal life does affect your children.

• Take time to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your last marriage and your role in the divorce. ex) looking at unhealthy patterns, issues from family of origin

• No formula to when it is ok to move on and start datingCheck your motives- Am I ready? Is my family ready? Am I doing

this for comfort?

DO YOUR WORK SO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP WILL BE

DIFFERENT!

• Keep open and appropriate communication with your former partner around dating.

YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT MESSENGERS

Step-Parenting

Take it slow- allow kids to come to you. Refer to bio parent and ex-spouse to establish

rules, boundaries, and routine at first. Be involved in creating new rituals and routines

for the family. Remember that you are a valuable resource in

the family. Your role allows you to bridge the gap between

mentor/parent/friend/support. Keep an open dialogue with kids about their

emotions, needs, boundaries, and relationship with you.

Encourage kids to spend time one-on-one with their bio parents.

Things TO do

QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, FEEDBACK?

THANKS FOR JOINING US THIS EVENING!

YOUR PARTICIPATION SPEAKS VOLUMES TO THE DEDICATION AND LOVE YOU HAVE FOR

YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILIES.

Kara Collins karal.collins@gmail.com

Please leave this browser window open when the webinar is finished; it will take you to a

short survey.

References

Ahrons, Constance. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Collins.

Bracke, P., Gouwy, A., Wauterickx, N. (2006). Parental Divorce and Depression: Long-Term Effects on Adult Children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 45 (3/4) 43-65.

Garon, R. (2005). Collaborative Law. Retrieved from http://www.divorceabc.com.

Hawkins, A., Fackrell, T. (2013). Should I Keep trying to work it out: A guidebook for individuals and couples at the crossroads of divorce (and before). (Power Point Slides). Retrieved from

http://www.strongermarriage.org. Stevenson, M., Black, K. (1994) How Divorce Affects

Offspring. New York: Harper Collins.