Emotionally Focused Therapy Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couplesfor Couples

((((Networker Webinar May, 2010)Networker Webinar May, 2010)

Dr. Sue Johnson

1www.holdmetight.com www.iceeft.com

Copyright: Dr. Susan Johnson 2010

LOVELOVEMost used word Most used word -- Rated most important goalRated most important goal

It is:It is:It is:It is:A mysterious mixture of sex and sentiment?A mysterious mixture of sex and sentiment?If so: cannot understand it, cannot make or keep itIf so: cannot understand it, cannot make or keep itppA science of love is impossible.A science of love is impossible.

Or is it:Or is it:An exquisitely logic survival system? An exquisitely logic survival system? Our foremost and most basic need Our foremost and most basic need from the cradle from the cradle

t th ?t th ?to the grave? to the grave? Our only defense against emotional starvation Our only defense against emotional starvation A haven of safety and strength EffectiveA haven of safety and strength Effective

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A haven of safety and strength. Effective A haven of safety and strength. Effective DependencyDependency

Love: A Huge Diversity of IdeasLove: A Huge Diversity of Ideasg y fg y fAll agree romantic love involves a hurricane of emotion All agree romantic love involves a hurricane of emotion After that:After that:After that:After that:

Sexual desire dressed up Sexual desire dressed up infatuation infatuation a fevera fever Immature idealizationImmature idealization perceptual anesthesiaperceptual anesthesia Immature idealization Immature idealization perceptual anesthesiaperceptual anesthesia Evolutionary reproduction strategy Evolutionary reproduction strategy -- 4 years4 years Brief infatuationBrief infatuation -- Then a friendshipThen a friendship Brief infatuation Brief infatuation Then a friendship Then a friendship An addiction (dopamine)An addiction (dopamine) IllusionIllusion -- Invention of medieval troubadoursInvention of medieval troubadours Illusion Illusion Invention of medieval troubadoursInvention of medieval troubadours A rational deal A rational deal negotiated exchange negotiated exchange A moralA moral mystical forcemystical force

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A moral A moral mystical forcemystical force

A Mystery A Mystery -- Disastrous idea!Disastrous idea!

Code of attachment tells us:Code of attachment tells us:ffPrimary need is felt security with otherPrimary need is felt security with other

A safe haven A safe haven -- to go to to go to A secure base A secure base to go out from to go out from gg

ARE you there for me?ARE you there for me?ARE you there for me? ARE you there for me? Are you Accessible Are you Accessible Do I matter ?Do I matter ?

dd d dd dAre you Responsive to my need Are you Responsive to my need Can I depend ?Can I depend ?Are you Engaged with me ?Are you Engaged with me ?

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Emotional presence is solutionEmotional presence is solution

Attachment Theory:Attachment Theory:A M t th L d f LA M t th L d f LA Map to the Landscape of LoveA Map to the Landscape of Love

11 S ki d i i i i iS ki d i i i i i1.1. Seeking and maintaining contact is a prime Seeking and maintaining contact is a prime motivation.motivation.

Isolation is traumatizingIsolation is traumatizinggg

22.. A secure connection offers a safe haven to go to and a A secure connection offers a safe haven to go to and a secure base to out from the worldsecure base to out from the worldsecure base to out from the world.secure base to out from the world.

Needs for connection, comfort and caring are key. The more Needs for connection, comfort and caring are key. The more connected you are, the more separate, autonomous you can be.connected you are, the more separate, autonomous you can be.

3.3. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds.Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds. (parallel Hustons findings re: emotional engagement)(parallel Hustons findings re: emotional engagement)

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(p g g g )(p g g g )

Attachment Theory:Attachment Theory:A M T Th L d f LA M T Th L d f LA Map To The Landscape of LoveA Map To The Landscape of Love

4.4. Disconnection cues Separation Distress Disconnection cues Separation Distress A predictable process.A predictable process. ProtestProtest Cling and SeekCling and Seek Depression and DespairDepression and Despair DetachmentDetachment

5.5. Emotion is the music of attachment dance.Emotion is the music of attachment dance.5.5. Emotion is the music of attachment dance.Emotion is the music of attachment dance. Gives salienceGives salience Colors eventsColors events Cues organizes the danceCues organizes the dance Cues organizes the danceCues organizes the dance Has control precedenceHas control precedence

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Attachment Theory:Attachment Theory:A M T th L d f LA M T th L d f LA Map To the Landscape of LoveA Map To the Landscape of Love

6.6. Finite set of predictable attachment strategies in drama of distress.Finite set of predictable attachment strategies in drama of distress.

AnxiousAnxious up the antiup the anti Ill make you respond to meIll make you respond to meAnxious Anxious up the anti up the anti I ll make you respond to meI ll make you respond to me

Avoidant Avoidant Cool your jets Cool your jets I will care lessI will care less

Fearful Fearful Chaos Chaos Come here Come here dont touchdont touch

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Attachment Theory:Attachment Theory:A M T th L d f LA M T th L d f LA Map To the Landscape of LoveA Map To the Landscape of Love

7.7. Attachment strategies associated to sense of Self and OtherAttachment strategies associated to sense of Self and Other--Working ModelsWorking ModelsWorking ModelsWorking Models

8.8. Attachment defines pivotal moments of healing/of injury.Attachment defines pivotal moments of healing/of injury.

Adult attachment is reciprocal, representational, sexual.Adult attachment is reciprocal, representational, sexual.

Attachment is a systemic theoryAttachment is a systemic theory--a normative theorya normative theory-- a theory a theory of individual differencesof individual differences--a theory of trauma.a theory of trauma.

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Sex and attachmentSex and attachment Feedback loop Feedback loop nature of sex shapes love and visa versa. Sex is bonding nature of sex shapes love and visa versa. Sex is bonding

behavior. behavior. A secure attachment facilitates relaxed and confidant engagement in sexA secure attachment facilitates relaxed and confidant engagement in sex A secure attachment facilitates relaxed and confidant engagement in sex A secure attachment facilitates relaxed and confidant engagement in sex (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Secures report more and better sex Secures report more and better sex -- more satisfaction (men and women).. more satisfaction (men and women).. MotiveMotive MotiveMotive

Secures identify closeness as motive Secures identify closeness as motive Anxious report having sex to please, avoid rejection, gain reassuranceAnxious report having sex to please, avoid rejection, gain reassurance Avoidant use sex for selfAvoidant use sex for self enhancementenhancement fit in brag re performancefit in brag re performance Avoidant use sex for selfAvoidant use sex for self--enhancement enhancement fit in, brag re performance, fit in, brag re performance,

sensationsensation EfficacyEfficacy insecurity linked to : insecurity linked to :

Lower sexual selfLower sexual self--esteemesteem physical attractiveness of selfphysical attractiveness of self Lower sexual selfLower sexual self esteem esteem physical attractiveness of selfphysical attractiveness of self More perceptions that sex is controlled by other, situatioMore perceptions that sex is controlled by other, situatio n n More problems in sexual communication (so less coMore problems in sexual communication (so less co--ordination of ordination of

responses.responses.

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pp Stronger concerns about sexual performance Stronger concerns about sexual performance Less willingness to experiment sexually within a relationship Less willingness to experiment sexually within a relationship

Couples Therapy Based onCouples Therapy Based onAtt h t ThAtt h t ThAttachment Theory:Attachment Theory:

1.1. Focuses on attachment needs and forms of Focuses on attachment needs and forms of engagement and disengagement.engagement and disengagement.

2.2. Privileges emotion Privileges emotion The music of the The music of the attachment dance.attachment dance.

3.3. Creates the therapy session as a secure base.Creates the therapy session as a secure base.44 Shapes ne bonding responsesShapes ne bonding responses e entse ents4.4. Shapes new bonding responses Shapes new bonding responses events.events.5.5. Addresses impasses Addresses impasses attachment injuries.attachment injuries.

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Attachment Theory and Couples TherapyAttachment Theory and Couples Therapy

This perspective offers:This perspective offers:p pp p

A map to the territory of distress and relationshipA map to the territory of distress and relationship

A focus A focus A compass in internal emotional A compass in internal emotional moments and interpersonal dramasmoments and interpersonal dramasmoments and interpersonal dramas.moments and interpersonal dramas.

A picture of transforming moves and moments in A picture of transforming moves and moments in p ctu e o t a s o g oves a d o e tsp ctu e o t a s o g oves a d o e tsthe process of the shaping of a secure bond.the process of the shaping of a secure bond.

A l f hA l f h d i N j flid i N j fli

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A goal for therapyA goal for therapy-- an end point. Not just conflict an end point. Not just conflict containment.containment.