THOTZ, 2 • TRU CHAINZZZ, 6 • #LYFE, 9 • COLORIN’, 16 • FOOTBAL, 24

Civilization happens sometimes

All dem Logs get engineered

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We have followed the story with baited breath since the very first week, and the knowledge that regular people like us are surviving in this post-apocalyptic world gives us strength. We will endure and carry on.

Week 13 - Zombie epidemic rages on

BY DR. RICHARD NYGARDApocolypse Survivor

It’s been almost three months since we !rst heard the news of the virus outbreak. "ankfully, the U[sic]GA community was warned early on and has not yet been a#ected, but that does not stop us from trem-bling in fear as we await the unknown terrors that exist outside of our newly created and constantly guarded barricades. Waiting is all we can do now. Communica-tion with the outside world is severely limited due to the severity of the epidemic, but we are still able to re-ceive weekly updates from AMC, one of the only news networks from the old days that still has broadcasting capabilities.

Each week we watch this news story, which AMC has dubbed “"e Walking Dead,” unfold a little bit more. Somewhere out there, a brave documentary crew has taken it upon themselves to record footage of this apocalypse so that sheltered communities like ours can know that we are not alone in this !ght. Each week, we see people who have bravely taken a stand against these “walkers,” even when their comrades fall by the dozens. It is people like these who give us the courage and fortitude to soldier on, even when our own prospects seem bleak at best.

Although we have been relatively untouched by the viral contagion, the U[sic]GA campus is always ready in case a herd of $esh eaters comes our way. Ev-ery member of our community is trained in the latest weaponry, and thanks to AMC’s coverage, we each know the necessary steps in taking down a walker. In the mean time, we are trying as hard as we can to live our lives, and restore what we once called civilization.

New Cologne is the Dawg’s meow

Earth shape under scrutiny

From super U[sic]GA red clay tones to some wood smells. This stuff’s great!PAGE 20

Get ready for that traffic! Moving dat lawn takes a bunch of cars!PAGE 24

U[isc]GA has to augment its engineering somehow. Coming soon: Lincoln Logs.PAGE 4

Club has some thoughtz on the shape of the Earth. And they don’t think it’s round!PAGE 9

BEST STUDY ABROAD EVAAAH: OUR GUIDE TO STUDYING ABROAD AT

SAINT SIMONS FRAT BEACH

SEE PAGE 2

SEE PAGE 11

STUDY ABOARD: MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOUR WOOD

BY KANJU BEIRMEAlcoholic Fashion Expert

A new fashion craze has swept across campus in the form of beer box hats. The hats are a result of the entrepreneurial efforts of one student, John Walker, who has been surprised by how quickly his hats have been embraced by the campus community.

One student’s entrepreneurial idea has taken campus by storm in recent weeks as his beer box hats are being spotted more and more frequently around campus.

“I just wanted to do something with my hands, so I started making these hats out of all the leftover beer boxes we had lying around the apartment and ÀJXUHGZK\VKRXOGQ·W,VHOO WKHPWRRµsaid Walker, a 6th year Brewing Science major.

Walker partnered with his roommates

Jackie Daniels and James Beam to create WKHLU ÀUVW YHQWXUH %HHUKDWV ,QF ULJKWout of their apartment. The three-person start up produces and sells hats in various shapes and sizes completely PDGHRXWRI ER[HVIURPEHHUWKH\ÀQLVKin their free time at UGA.

The trio has expressed surprise at how quickly others around campus have embraced their Beerhats as students are starting to sport the hats everywhere from class to football games to parties. This new fashion craze is something many students hope grows even larger than it already is.

“Right now we do mostly a style that looks like a cowboy hat, but we’re testing out different shapes and sizes that we can make out of these boxes to RIIHU PRUH FKRLFHV DW YDULRXV SULFHVµsaid Daniels. He went on to explain how right now they’re working to begin offering top hats, bucket hats, baseball

caps and visors at the beginning of the new year.

“I’m really happy for the guys, but I’m really more interested in the free beer. They’re so focused on the boxes now I get to drink as much as I like most days and that can be anywhere from a my minimum 3 beers in a sitting WR D ZKROH SDFN E\ P\VHOIµ VDLGNathaniel Licht, the fourth roommate of the founders of Beerhats Inc. He is not so much involved with business operations but more to just hang out with his friends.

The main thing that this group wants to remain consistent is their own friendship as they all they described this new business venture as an extraordinary opportunity for them. There have been talks of dropping out as they believe this may just be their big break but no decisions have been announced from the leadership of Beerhats Inc.

Beer box hat craze sweeps across campus

Monday, noveMber 25, 2013vol. 99, no. 69 athens, Ga

nique.net

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Photo courtesy of The Walking Dead

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Photo courtesy of WIZARD2312

Photo courtesy of Derek Ramsey

Photo courtesy of Sandpiper Beacon

2 • November 25, 2013• T.H.W.U.G.A. // THOTZ

MICHAEL TREVORFRANKLIN’S FRIEND

Recently, U[sic]GA sued Rock-star North, the developers of Grand "eft Auto V for illegally portraying the average U[sic]GA student. "e creation of this ac-tion and crime !lled video game has o#ended multiple students who believe that their behav-ior and personalities have been wrongfully portrayed.

“I personally !nd this video game unbelievable.” said Cletus Kelvinnia, junior communica-tions major “My fraternity and I have only been in 5 drug busts, 17 DWI’s, 9 hazing incidents and the occasional high speed chas-es, and we ain’t putting up with how those actions are shown in a multimillion dollar video game I bought at the midnight release.”

Multiple students have ex-pressed that the characters in the game as irresponsible, impulsive, absurd and potentially ratchet, which is why student groups on campus have called for the law-suit to be initiated shortly after the games release. "e Student Association for Better "inkerers placed the most concern for U[sic]GA portrayal in Grand "eft Auto.

“As you must know, U[sic]GA is the Ivey Leage of the south, and as such a title, we are o#ended that the video game industry would

portray us in such an awesome, I mean, savage manner.” said Bryar Corncob, President of the Stu-dent Association of Better "otz-ing “It’s just sad that people don’t realize U[sic]GA students can be

wise and the best thinkerers that the south has to o#er.”

While universities in other eastern states could have been portrayed by the video game in-

GRANT HOLCOMBLOCAL GUY

"is year, one of the most popular locations for study abroad students at the University [sic] of Georgia has proven to be St. Si-mons Island, Georgia which is much more popularly referred to as “Frat Beach.”

“Some colleges promise that you can study abroad in Europe, but that’s stupid ‘cuz the last time Americans went yonder over there they hit an iceberg and died,” said Hershey Walker, Director of the O%ce of “International” Edu-macation. “St. Simons Island is a !ve hour drive that really tests the wheels on our tractor, so I call that foreign enough.”

"e approval from the course bypassed any actual decision made by the board of regents but was pushed for by Walker and es-tablished after his e#ort.

One of the most popular cours-es o#ered is “Where da gator at? 4210.” In preparation for the an-nual game against the University of Florida, students try to hunt for alligators on the island—not the animal species that do live on the island, but the college mascots Albert and Alberta. Surprisingly, never in the history of this course have these speci!c alligators ever been found.

“How hard could it be to !nd giant stu#ed gators walking on the beach?” Betty Mae Carter, seventh-year !ngerpainting ma-

jor said. “I’ve tried wearing jorts rolled in bacon awwwl but all I’ve been getting are skeeter bites.”

For the most part, students re-$ected favorably about their expe-riences.

“No matter which campus I’m on, I’m drunk out of my mind,” said Charley Mike, a third year majoring in animal petting and minoring in $ip cup. “But at Frat Beach, there’s a beach so it’s cool.”

“Even though I’m still in Geor-gia, I feel like I’m in a di#erent country,” said second-year wed-ding engineer Nellie Sue. “Like today I built the Ei#el Tower out of empty Natty Lite cans and solo cups for my history class,” point-ing to a trashcan !lled with the aforementioned items. “You could basically smell the spaghetti.”

"ere are many other study abroad programs available for those unable to pass the drink-ing test for St. Simon’s Island. In Milledgeville, students can join Associate Professor Alicia Mc-Dide’s class in “lookin’ smexy 2310.” "ose looking for work ex-perience can intern with U[sic]GA graduates in corporations such as "e Roadside Stand or My Par-ents’ Basement. Although none have proven as popular as Frat Beach U[sic]GA, students have a multitude of options.

“I recommend all students study abroad during their time at the “university,” said Walker. “Frat beach has truly shown me a world outside the trailer park.”

nique.netsliver

"e technique uses the same sudoku puzzle last three weeks in a row? #thanksnickIm a ME, I hate statisticsI see two sliver boxes.....I can haz third?I don’t even go to this school. ALUM STATUS.love the loki picture in the latest technique. really helped my fan-girl cravingsUnfortunately for u(sic)ga fans, excuses don’t win national titles.SGA should get Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman to come to campus"e awkward white guy in the Taste of Africa fashion show can get it with me any day. Just sayin’.how many sliver boxes can there be?Somebody hacked my computerSorry guys"at was inappropriateI didn’t post thatHe goes to Georgia StateHe’s a !lm majorBut don’t worry he’s coolWhat does a !lm major do anyway?Not physics lolFor real though, I left my laptop open at Woodies. "ose weren’t me.Don’t track me lolat least i have the sliver box

Photo courtesy of SpringBreak Facebook

U[sic]GA students flock to St. Simons Beach during their time sudying abroad. It’s the most popular program University[sic] wide.

See COPYRIGHT, page 5

Photo courtesy of SpringBreak

The makers of Grand Theft Auto 5 are being sued by members of the U[sic]GA community as they believe it portrays them too well.

U[sic]GA to sue Grand !e" Auto V

Frat beach most popular study abroad option

THWUGA: Good Old Fashioned HateIAN BAILIE

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

For (almost) the hundredth time, let us welcome all of you freshmen to Tech. We are excit-ed to present the 2013 To Hell With Georgia Issue. Contained in these pages you will !nd all manner of outlandish, (hopeful-ly) entertaining and completely false material we aspire to think up for every THWUGA edition.

Beginning as a modest four-page paper, published on No-vember 17th, 1911, the !rst issue of the Technique focused primar-ily on the then-upcoming foot-

ball game with Georgia. It’s from this moment “the South’s Liveli-est College Newspaper,” began.

And, as a tip of the hat to this “modest” start, the sta# of the Technique produce an issue dedicated to mocking Georgia’s newspaper, !e Red and Black.

"ough this issue relies on ste-reotypes we agree are not as true as they once were (Georgia stu-dents aren’t necessarily drunken rednecks nor are Tech students ncessarily nerdy introverts), it’s not about the stereotypes.

Yes, the jokes contained herein maintain the sordid tra-dition of low blows in the form

of incest-, alcohol- and stupidity-related material. Is it fair to con-tinue to perpetuate these false stereotypes? Not necessarily.

But, the most important as-pect of this annual issue is the tradition: the traditions we re-peat year after year, the tradi-tions that hold campus together, and, of course, the tradition of Good Old Fashioned Hate.

So, as you $ip through these 28 pages, remember the Good Word (“To hell with georgia,” for those who have forgotten), and what binds all Tech students to-gether: our Good Old-Fashioned Hate of our rivals up the road.

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4 • November 25, 2013• T.H.W.U.G.A. // THOTZ

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UGA engineering announces lincoln log programGUNNY HICK MCGEECAT STUCK UP A TREE

"e U[sic]GA Department of Engineering announced on "ursday that it would be adding a Lincoln Log Engineering (LLE) program.

"e new LLE program will be o#ered starting next fall.

“LLE will be an important new part to our Engineering Pro-gram,” said Bubba Briarson, Dean of Engineering. “Some of our oth-er engineering programs are just a little bit too di%cult for our stu-dents. Don’t even get me started on the incident last year with our Lego Engineering program. With the upcoming lawsuit, all I can

say is that it involved 7,600 Lego bricks, a pound of lard and half of the crew team.”

Some of the basic courses in the new degree include LLE 1101: An Introduction to Stacking "ings on Other "ings, LLE 1102: Ad-vanced Stacking Techniques and LLE 2012: Roof Pieces and How to Use "em.

"e program also includes multidisciplinary courses includ-ing LLE 3002: Literary Decon-struction in the Medium of Lin-coln Log Structures, LLE 4320: Lincoln Logs and 4th Grade Soci-ety and LLE 4480: Lincoln Logs for Self-Defense.

Students across campus are thrilled by the new addition to the

Department of Engineering.“I’m just glad there is !nally a

major easy enough for me to pass,” said Diana Cheddiwick, 2nd year Family Financial Planning major.

“I’m just glad there is !nally an engineering major that is actually applicable,” said John Cornwallis, 4th year Mechanical Engineering major.

"e new degree plan also comes as a relief for the dwag foot-ball team.

“Finally I can cut down on the bribe money going to Professors to get our players to pass,” said Head Coach Mark Richt. “Now we can spend it on more produc-tive things like player salaries for next year.

Photo courtesy of Lincoln Logs Event

A typical class in the lincoln log program involves students building to new heights in the most practical ideas for testing.

LANE PRYCENOT FROM THE SHOW

"e National Association of Women (NAW) announced on Wednesday that the THWG was to be given the Don Draper award for excellence in gender issue jour-nalism. "e award is given each year to the publication that has shown excellent articles dealing with women’s issues.

In particular, NAW cited an editorial entitled “Will the Real Gentlemen Please Stand Up?” asking U[sic]GA men to give up their seat to cute girls, not speci-fying the treatment for ugly girls.

“It’s just exactly the right at-

titude about women,” said Har-riet Burn, spokesman for NAW. “It’s important to remember that women aren’t big and strong like men. We need for men to give up their seats because we are so frail and dainty.”

"e publication has also re-ceived praise from public !gures.

“"is is exactly what we were !ghting for,” said 185-year-old Elizabeth Leslie, last surviving attendee of the 1850 National Women’s Right’s Convention. “"e whole voting thing was side-show at the convention. I remem-ber Elizabeth Cady Stanton say-ing, ‘Beth, this is some crap. Some codpiece didn’t give up his seat on

trolleycar when I was on my way to ferrier to pick up my felted bea-ver hat.’ I’m glad there is !nally a publication that has its priorities in order.”

At the awards ceremony on Friday, the Chairman of NAW, Jamie Wadsworth announced her support of the newspaper.

“"is paper gets it,” Wad-sworth said. “"ey understand that women just really want to be treated like princesses. We don’t want to have to stand or work or do anything.”

Still, some so called “femi-nists” criticised the award and the article, saying that it was treating women as infantile and helpless.

NAW announces new Don Draper Award recipient

Photo courtesy of Tauheed Epps Freelance Photographer

Representatives from both the NAW and THWG are pictured above as they pose in ceremony where the DD award is given.

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T.H.W.U.G.A. • November 25, 2013• 5// THOTZ

Art school criticized for exhibitHANK D. RANK

DRUMMER

Administration at the Lamar Dodd School of Art are coming under !re after it was discovered who was really behind the pieces in the new Crayola exhibit on dis-play in one of its galleries.

According to Janice Block, a parent of a !rst grader at local Athens Elementary School, the Art School has had its students taking credit for drawings dis-carded by Art teachers at Athens Elementary after “free time.”

“I try to come see new exhibits at the galleries at the Art School whenever I get a chance, but when I noticed what I thought was one of my son’s drawings I had to take a closer look at some of the piec-es,” Block said.

After bringing some friends back to see the exhibit for them-selves, including a teacher from Athens Elementary, the group knew what was going on. In a brief interview they explained how kids

at the local school are often giv-en free time in art class to draw whatever they want. "ese are not often kept but either hung up in the classrooms of the elementary school or simply discarded. "ese parents believed that U[sic]GA students had been taking these drawings and going ahead to put their own names on them in these exhibits and labeling them as con-temporary art.

“We do not believe there is any authenticity to the claims against the contemporary art exhibits in the school of art,” said Micke Reed, Director of Communica-tions in the School of Art. “"e allegations are currently under in-vestigation and more details will be released once they’ve been ob-tained by U[sic]GA.”

Although the school would not comment on this, some students provided some insightful com-mentary on to the whole situation.

“Why does it matter where it comes from, art is art, dude,” said Alan Burke, 3rd year Art major

with an emphasis in sculpture.“Have you even visited the

Contemporary Art Exhibit be-fore? It’s a place of some really inspiring work and there’s been a rotation of pieces going on since I started here last year,” said Felicia Gramble, 2nd year Art History major.

Contemporary Art is de!ned as art produced at the present pe-riod of time, and although most of the pieces currently on display look like no more than crayon scribbles on a sheet of paper some students argue that that is exactly what contemporary art is.

“I just don’t understand why anyone would take work drawings from an elementary school child and take credit for it in an art ex-hibit at a university the size of this one,” Block added.

"e exhibit in the School of Art has been on display since mid October and has been rotating similar pieces of contemporary art for the past !ve years in a regular showing of the work.

Photo courtesy of Jordan Michael Houston City Regional Planner

The administration of the Art School is currently being heavily criticized as one of their major exhibits is believed to be the work of local elementary school kids rather than undergraduates.

COPYRIGHT FROM PAGE 2

stead, U[sic]GA believes that only their students could pull o# such stunts, like hijacking helicopters, driving through public areas and vandalism.

“We know that we’re up against a wealthy video game with millions of fans, but we think that we can sway the judge on this one.” said Bodean Skupinuns, an admissions faculty member. “Of course, everyone loves our football team, and as the univer-sity with the coolest team in the south, we’re sure to make the best impression on the court and get our compensation.”

Rockstar North has been con-fused about the situation.

When asked for any response to the allegations, Robby Floid one of the creators of the game re-sponded, “We have no idea what students or administration from U[sic]GA are referring to about the video game, Grand "eft Auto 5, the game is based in a !ctional city, with !ctional characters and a completely !ctional story. "ere is literally nothing about this game that has anything to do with U[sic]GA.”

With the allegations just re-cently coming out, there are no set dates for future court proceedings but according to Floid the team at Rockstar North has fully been prepared for any type of legal ac-tion against them. He explained that when they decided to make a game like this they would not be surprised by anything.

Not all U[sic]GA students are against the game and some believe that the entire situation has sim-ply been blown out of proportion as they are avid fans and players of the game.

“I’ve been playing the game since it came out last month, there’s really nothing to complain about and I don’t understand what they’re trying to accomplish. Sometimes I think I came to the wrong school,” said Jimmy Dush-ene, 3rd year game design major.

FRANK SHIBADOGE

News of the Braves Stadium moves has confused a major-ity of the Athens community as many know nothing more of the city of Atlanta than the Braves Stadium.

So city. Wow. Much baseball. Spectacular trips. Bright future.

With the announcement of the planned move to a new are-na in Cobb county, some fans have expressed outrage and can’t understand why this is happen-ing.

“Why are they taking the Braves? "e Braves are all Atlan-ta and all of Georgia. "ey can’t just move,” said Jeremiah "ee-tle, bar tender at "e Drunken Skunk, a local Athens Bar, ex-plained while in tears.

Some residents in the area have been trying to !gure out how to organize some kind of protest to send a message but many have not been able to !nd out who they should protest.

“"ere have been a couple of us that meet up at the Skunk on a regular basis but we can’t ever seem to focus after the !rst six rounds of beer. Maybe we’ll get it together soon,” Tettle said.

"e group described them-selves as self-proclaimed biggest fans of the team and did not want any compromise on where the stadium will be.

Regardless of whatever im-provements have been promised by the Braves, the local com-munity is staunchly against any future moves.

DWAG BITES-NEWS-

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Why are we going to McDonald’s? We should go somewhere more high-end, like Wa!le House. - Nathaniel DeVilleneuve

OpiniOns EditOr: Batman

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Tru Chainzzz

Write to us: [insert email here]

Got something to say? !en let your voice be heard with the Tech-nique. Sliver at Nique.net, tweet us @the_nique or check us out on Face-book at facebook.com/thenique. We want to hear your opinion and want to make it known to all of campus.

We also welcome your letters in response to Technique content as well as topics relevant to campus. We will print letters on a timely and space-available basis.

Each week we look for letters that

are responses to or commentaries on content found within the pages of the Technique. Along with these letters, we are open to receiving letters that focus on relevant issues that currently a"ect Georgia Tech as a university, in-cluding its campus and student body.

When submitting letters we ask that you include your full name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and major. We ask that letters be thought provoking, well written and in good taste. We reserve the right to both reject or edit letters for length and style.

For questions, comments or con-cern, contact the Opinions Editor at [insert email here].

OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion

!e case for academic marijuanaMoving U[sic]GA to a calmer environment

With the recently-booming market for marijuana in Athens (herea"er referred to as the pot-conomy for the sake of seman-tic accuracy), there is great demand for unregulated and completely legal sale of the medical and academic stimulant. Ap-proved by all fraternities, most professors, and some churches, academic marijuana is a necessary addition to the U[sic]GA cul-ture.

Of course, some steps have already been taken in the right direction, and these changes have not gone unnoticed. Several social pioneers have already started won-derful initiatives to popularize marijuana and stimulate the pot-conomy. Farmers, who have always been the backbone of America, have shown new great promise in the up-and-coming pot-conomy. !ese hybrid workers, colloquially called “deal-ers” or “mah hookup,” are the modern day versions of Susan B. Anthony and Martin Luther King, Jr.

Academic marijuana has been shown to relax students before classes, exams and job interviews. !e mild euphoria and calmness brought on by marijuana is unparalleled by any “balanced breakfast” that “doctors” advocate. !e addition of marijuana to every student’s life will great-ly increase the sense of community on campus and lessen the stress of the notori-ously di#cult U[sic]GA classes.

Of course, students can expect opposi-tion from the city and state governments. !is, however, is no big issue. As voters with tax dollars and stu$, there is no rea-son that we can’t force change. !ere is no reason that any student should go without the capability to take a dangerously deli-cious hit at will. !ough the government might be a minor roadblock along the way to legalization, the ultimate goal in sight and its great bene%ts are certainly strong enough to energize the pro-pot-conomy movement.

!e Consensus Opinion re"ects the opinion of people that are beautiful and know it.

T.H.W.U.G.A. editorial boardJack Gelbe EditOr-in-ChiEf

Sully Gelbe Managing EditOrBeatrice Gelbe dEsign EditOr

P. Diddy Gelbe nEws EditOrSalamander Gelbe spOrts EditOr

Rebecca Gelbe LifE EditOrLa-a Gelbe phOtOgraphy EditOr

Zach Gelbe wEb dEvELOpEr

Je$erson Steel&ax OpiniOns EditOrSteve Gelbe EntErtainMEnt EditOr

Lore'a Gelbe LayOut EditOrJimothy Gelbe OutrEaCh EditOr

YOUR VIEWS | Letter to the Editor

Controversy is like terrorism, but worseSo, this one time, I was

reading this newspaper and this guy wrote this thing that I found o"en-sive and frankly distaste-ful. I think you all know exactly what I’m talking about, so I’m not going to dignify the article with speci#city.

Here’s the thing about business, life, and journal-ism: the customer is always right.

Irregardless of what a journalist thinks, his or #rst responsibility is to in-sure that readers aren’t of-fended by the opinion that he or she presents in his or her article. Instead, he or she must present his or her opinion in a way that ac-curately re$ects his or her thoughts but still enables the U[sic]GA community to feel good about them-selves.

Opinions are meant to make us feel safe, not think. !e article ‘s words

were a terroristic threat to campus safety that com-promised the mental com-fort of everyone who read, smelled, or heard about it.

!ere are several ways that this problem could have been avoided.

Firstly, taking a neutral stance towards the issue instead of picking either side would have catered to a wider audience, leading to a better reception for the article.

Secondly, using a font that was lest visually of-fensive than Garamond, like Jokerman perhaps, would have lessened the heavy blow of the words.

Finally, the writer could have made the article bet-ter simply by saying ab-solutely nothing. When you have an opinion that’s controversial or o"en-sive, don’t talk about it, and de#nitely don’t write about it; instead, just shut the hell up.

SLIVERS

Do we have a library?

I just got pregnant; how do I know that it’s mine and that my boyfriend isn’t cheating on me?

Is an egg a fruit or a vegetable?

I want a dognut, they taste so good

I can’t go to Taco Bell on my all-carb diet!

Do you think that if MJ didn’t died he would be live today

technique Gho^f[^k+.%+)*, 7// OPINIONS

When I !rst heard about U[sic]GA’s revolu-tionary new farm-knit-ting program, I was ec-static. "is was the !rst program of its kind in the entire world b e c a u s e they teach the practice of knitting au natu-ral sweaters ( s w e a t e r s knitted from yarn made from their own backs) for farm ani-mals. Going to college had never been my plan, but after learning about this program, I decided to apply. To my pleasure and surprise, I was ac-cepted! When August came around, I packed my knitting sticks and a picture of my baby lamb (my muse and in-spiration), and made the 15-minute journey from my lifelong farm to U[sic]GA. "is was the furthest I’d been away from home, and needless to say, I was excited for school to start.

"is is my last semester, and while I have no com-plaints about my farm-knitting program (it’s ev-erything I had hoped it would be), I do not under-stand why I have to take not one, but three whole math classes in order to get my diploma. I came to U[sic]GA for its revo-lutionary new farm-knit-ting program. But when I enrolled, I had no idea that I would be forced to take math. "e !rst class I took on the existence of

numbers was bad enough (who needs numbers any-way?), and then I found I had to take yet another class!

I have s t r u g g l e d with MATH NINE: A Complex In-t ro duc t ion to Counting Whole Num-bers since the onset of the class, and am now on the brink of

failing. I think the fact that I might have to de-lay graduation because I might not pass this math class is blasphemous. "is has absolutely nothing to do with my program of study, and I am not inter-ested in it at all. I mean, who needs counting any-way? I’m here for farm-knitting, not counting. I can’t think of a single time I will need to use this after I get a real job.

Don’t get me wrong. I mean, I’m sure math is a great subject that has its function in world, but I’m having trouble seeing why it is a required part of MY curriculum. I came to U[sic]GA for its revolu-tionary knitting program, not for silly classes on the existence of numbers and counting that will have no positive impact on my life.

After all, who needs to know how to add num-bers when you already know how to add words?

Knitting + farm ani-mals = love. Now that’s my kind of math.

ChEw barkaDog

“Woof.”

hairy pawtErDog

“Arf!”

JOhann sEbastian barkDog

“Woof!”

grOwLChO MarxDog

“Why are you asking me? I’m a dog.”

What is your stance on the sociopolitical trends

in the Middle East?

Math classes add no value to curriculum

“...I do not understand why I have to take not

one, but three whole math classes...”

LErOy JEnkinsStaff HiStorian

Photos by James Bond Student Publications

It’s amazing how vi-ral the speech by Nick Selby, the Georgia Tech kid who kind of looks like a mix between Harry Pot-ter and Ron Weasley, has become.

It’s even more im-pressive that no one re-alizes how false it is, given the hype he’s been get-ting. I mean, a simple search for Selby on Al-taVista gives over twen-ty results (the highest number there is imag-inable, for those of you who haven’t taken MATH NINE: A Com-plex Introduction to Counting Whole Num-bers), while a search on our beloved UGA just comes back with pic-tures of his ongoing af-fair with the Stanford Tree.

Selby conveys the feeling that going to a school where you can do anything you want is great.

"is is absolutely false. It’s simple logic (logic is de!ned as good reasoning, for those unfamiliar with the term).U[sic]GA is awe-some. We can’t do any-thing we want. "ere-fore, Selby is wrong.

But we also can’t ar-gue something without giving proof. Here is a list of things that we can’t do here that de!ne our beautiful school.

We can’t win a na-tional football champi-onship, no matter how hard our team tries. But go dawwgggsss.

We can’t seem to have our e n g i n e e r -ing program recogn i z ed by outside institutions, no matter how much we keep ex-panding our Lego collec-

tion.We still can’t get our

job placement rate be-low 100 percent. "at’s right, every one of our graduates has a job.

Some are farmers. Some specialize in giv-ing enemas to animals. Most, however, serve a vital role in the unem-ployment industry.

We are unable to get society to accept the cultural value dearest to our hearts - keeping the love both inside the family and within the farm.

We can’t get enough of Honeybooboo.

We can’t rub our tummies and pat our heads.

We can never ever !nd the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or determine how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop, or receive informal accreditation by our peers.

But here at U[sic]GA, we wouldn’t want it any other way.

You are at U[sic]GA; you can’t do that!

“But here at U[sic]GA, we souldn’t want it any

other way.”

MaC arOny[tHiS man iS no longer

part of our Staff]

If there’s one thing traditional southern gentlemen are always told to do is give up their seat on the bus for a girl. Apparently there is nothing nic-er you can do but let the “gentler sex” rest their tired aching feet. Why are they gentler? My cousin, Mariannelou’ ll wres-tle me to the grand in nine seconds f lat. I’m not buying it, but there are stu-dents here at U[sic]GA who agree (like that chick that wrote about this exact thing a couple weeks back in this awesome paper).

Then someone else comes on and is all like, “nuh uh, don’t you dare stand up for me. I aint no prin-cess.”

In the exact same paper this girl wrote this exact opposite opinion. Why can’t

we compromise? In-stead of sitting or standing, which seams to be a pretty hot topic right now with a bunch of peo-ple arguing and stuff, why don’t we squat?

There are a bunch of cool reasons squat-ting is totes better than standing and sitting.

Standing is hard work. You have to reach up and hold on to something and that’s just too much effort to do when all the dawg drivers drive like a bat outta

you know where. All over the place.

Sitting is boring. You just kind of twiddle your thumbs and look around and brush up against awkward bros and chicks and stuff. It’s awkward.

And then there’s squatting. It’s an awesome alternative. All those people in that Asia and Europe country thingy can’t be wrong.

Because of the po-sition, you get to take up more per-sonal space and move

people away from you, especially be-cause of the strange, and definitely jeal-ous, looks from the people around you.

It’s a killer core workout too. With those dawg drivers and all that sway-ing, gotta keep a tight core to keep from falling into the nerd from the engineering depart-ment. It’s also super comfy and stretched your quads. You can just sit back on your heels and go, and you never have to find an empty seat.

Most important-ly though, it keeps people from argu-ing over that stupid sit, don’t sit, give up your seat, don’t give up your seat business everyones’ caterwall-ing about. I think that’s a win, win if you know what I mean, right?

Squa!ing: a healthy alternative“There are a bunch of cool reasons squatting is totes better than standing and

sitting.”

rad ChEtLyetiquette eDitor

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8 Gho^f[^k+.%+)*,technique // OPINIONS

The song “What does the fox say?” has swept through the world, ask-ing an important question. However, the question is far from the most mean-ingful idea that the song presents.

7KHÀUVWZRUGV LQ WKHsong are “The dog goes woof.” And yes, the dog does go woof; but that is just a fraction of what the dog really says. The dog says many things, and DOORIWKRVHVRXQGVÀOORXUears, and we take comfort LQWKHGRJ·VJXLGDQFHDQGlove. But despite all of the PHORGLHVWKDWWKHGRJÀOOVour lives with, there still lies a great barrier be-tween our two esteemed parties.

That barrier is the question that is of far more importance than asking what the dog says. The real question that we must all ask ourselves is what does the dog mean? For no matter how many times we hear the mag-QLÀFHQW YLEUDWLRQV RI DLUmolecules caused by a dog

baring its soul through sound, the meaning of the GRJ·VSOHWKRUDRIWRQHVLVlost on our deaf ears.

When we hear the GRJ·VORQJDQGPDJQLÀFHQWhowls, can we possibly hope to understand the depth of meaning behind such tremulous notes? When we hear a deep, frightening growl, how can we possibly under-stand the anger and cau-tion that the dog wishes to impart into our very beings?

How cruel of a creature must humanity be, to be in the presence of such majesty and not make its sole aim the understand-ing of the meaning of the GRJ·VZRUGV"

To know what we miss when we hold back tears when we hear the whine of a dog that knows a pain that we can never com-prehend?

We are mean beings, to live amongst such magnif-icent, majestic and wise creatures and still be-lieve ourselves to be their

masters. 7KH GRJ LV KXPDQLW\·V

loyal companion, and yet we neglect him so.

How can we call him our friend and our companion if we do not understand what he tells us?

How can we look at ourselves if we cannot understand what Lassie is saying, whilst she, out RIKHU LQÀQLWHPHUF\DQGcompassion, tries to save the life of Johnny, who has trapped himself in the well once again?

If only we could have KHDUG/DVVLH·VZRUGV DQGknow them, then Johnny could have been saved.

If only Wallace could have spoken with Gromit, then his life could have been blessed with an un-known ease and joy.

All could live the lives of kings, if only we could understand the wisdom of the dog; alas, it is beyond us. We must consign our-selves to be in the pres-ence of art and be unable to understand.

We must be content being the blind in the art gallery, or the deaf in the orchestra—to be in the presence of beauty and to be unable to know it. We can hope that one day, humanity might reach a point in its existence where it will be able to know the dog, and great him as the equal that he is.

One day. One day. Bark.

What does the dwag say, and why do we ignore it?

“We are mean beings...How can we call him our friend and

our companion if we do not understand what he tells us?”

hankSome HigH guy WitH a pen

OUR VIEWS | HOT OR NOT

Teenage Pregnancy

HOT– or –NOT

School

Poultry Science Anti-Incest Laws

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#Lyfelyfe editor: Amanda BynesAssistAnt lyfe editor:Penelope Taynt

ttAyw dorzAbtwitter expert

A storm erupted in Athens

earlier this month when a pack

of squirrels taught the entire

student body and faculty a new

language.

´, LV QHYHU WKRXJKW ,·Glives to sees the day,” Noah

2QH VDLG ´,W·V DPLUDFOH VHH-

ing them things teach us this

VWXIILW·VVKRUWRIWKHLPPDFX-

late one.”

Upon revealing the new lan-

guage, the vote was unanimous

across-campus to submit this

QHZ ODQJXDJH WR WKH VFLHQWLÀFcommunity, worldwide.

“We had troubles,” Broc

Alih said. “When they asked us

to submit it, we had to explain

WRWKHPZHGLGQ·WNQRZKRZWRsubmit sounds into the enve-

lope.”

After much deliberation,

the entire population of Athens

huddled together at Sanford

Stadium to ‘get some of their

EUDLQMXLFHVÁRZLQJ·

“It took a lot of keg stands,”

a student said, before pass-

ing out. The pack of squirrels

accelerated the process by

bringing the only piece of com-

munication over to the stu-

dents, a typewriter.

The machine was met with a

mix of bewilderment and hos-

tility.

´,7·V 6$7$1µ /\RQ .LQJsaid.

The students proceeded to

try and drink the ink out of the

ZULWHU EXW UHDOL]HG LW ZDVQ·W

delicate liquor.

Frustrated, the squirrels

took it upon themselves to just

write the entire new language

out and send it via the post.

“It was really hot in the sta-

GLXPZLWKDOORIWKDWWKLQNLQ·µR.M. Pit said. “But it was for

like, something. I think.”

2WKHUV IHOW WKLV EHQHÀFLDOto their future success in aca-

demia. Students and faculty

alike were dumbfounded a week

ODWHUZKHQWKHLU1REHO/DXUH-

DWH GLVFRYHU\ ZDV GLVTXDOLÀHGafter all of the judges immedi-

ately recognized the “new lan-

guage” as simply the alphabet.

“I really thought we had it,”

%XG/LJKWVDLG ´,QHHGDGULQNthis loss off.”

The town quickly held a pub-

lic forum to condemn the squir-

rels and banish them.

“It [was the only logical

thing to] do,” Eric Shinn said.

“Theys made mockery of us and

nows we needa mock them.”

%HIRUH WKH WRZQ FRXOG ÀQGthe squirrels, a note was deliv-

ered to the public forum from

the squirrels themselves, with

four letters.

´,W VDLG ¶7+:*·µ%LOO /RQH\said. “The jokes on them.

7KDW·VQRWHYHQDUHDOVRXQGµ

Squirrels teach Dawgs language

Wait, is the Earth really flat? GAlileo GAlilei

StarSman

A monumental announcement took place in Athens last Saturday when professor of scienti!c spell-ing, Walter Melon, declared he had discovered new information that proves the Earth is, in fact, "at. Our sta# decided to interview Mr. Melon to see exactly where he is getting this new information.

!ank you for having us Mr. Melon. How are you?

I’m hungover. I just think sometimes thinking hurts the brain, but it’s okay. I gots my Jim Beam.

Well let’s just jump right into it: why do you think the Earth is "at?

I’m going to be honest: I have been drunk since the 80s. But that’s not the point. I awoke and realized these things on the wall. $ey were the Earth. And that’s when I knew it was "at.

Sir, with all do respect, you realize those are just maps of the Earth?

No that’s what they want you to believe.

Who is ‘they?’$e Government.Sir, cartographers made

these. !ey’re in two dimen-sions, but the Earth is 3-D and is very much a sphere.

We’ll see about that. How do you explain why things fall and never come back?

What are you talk about? Give us an example.

I dropped my wallet. If the world were circular, it would have come back up in a circle. But it

doesn’t. It just falls down. Because the earth is "at.

Sir that’s simply gravity.You said ‘gravy’ wrong.No sir, the thing you are

talking about. !at would be gravity.

It’s all myth for the government to raise your taxes. We need to act now. I vote we throw the govern-ment o# one end of the Earth.

Sir could you please give us any de#nitive proof you have which would substantiate your claim as to the Earth actually being "at.

Well yes, thank you. $ere’s a good question for once. Have any of you read about history?

For many years this has been a thing, but only now, I have proved it.

Okay, well what do you and your society exactly intend to do?

We want to sail around the world and tell everyone of our dis-covery.

Sir that’s highly improbable with your theory because you can’t go around something that is "at.

I don’t see your point.

Photo courtesy of National Institute for Professorial Squirrels

Squirrels are a surprisingly intelligent species, according to U[sic]GA students. Squirrels with

the highest intellect also have the ability to grow and trim moustaches and buy monacles. Hmm.

Photo courtesy of U[sic]GA Flat Earth Society

Whether our planet, Earth, is flat or round has been contested for centuries. While previous sci-

entists believed this debate was long over, recent discoveries at U[sic]GA are proving otherwise.

rufus redneckFaShion writer

Anyone, even an engineer, can wear camo-"-lodge, but to look good in it takes some talent. Wearing a camo bathrobe to a wedding, for example is nonsense. A wedding is the perfect occasion for that spi#y camo jacket that is a bit too nice for huntin’. For those who lack the camo know-how, there are ten basic ways to wear camo that are generally except-E-bull.

1: Camo pants are so important that, even though this list is not in any order, they still get to be num-ber one. Camo pants are the go-to for all camo needs. Weather peo-ple are relaxing at home, !shin’ at the lake, or going to a funeral, they do not have to worry if their pants are formal enough. Anyone in long pants with an indistinct pattern is dressed well enough for even the most serious times.

2: If someone is out of camo pants then that person still has many other options. Camo head-bands and bandanas are normally in style, especially when the wear-er is outside or doing !sical activi-ties.

3: Camo tattoos are a nifty way of showing how devoted a camo fan is. $is permanent design of a disruptive pattern will ensure that whoever gets it will never be with-out camo again.

8: On special occasions, wear-ing simple understated camo pants is simply not enough. In ad-dition to these ever-present slacks, at weddings, the bride could wear a camo wedding veil. Perhaps at a job interview, the applicants could appear better kempt than the rest by having camo boots in addition to their camo work jacket..

6: $e biggest mistake people make when picking out a camo out!t is not including camo. $ere is no reason to leave home without camo. Ever.

4: $ere is a wide variety of camo jackets. As already men-tioned, some are good for huntin’ and others for weddings, but there are so many subtle variations in style that there appears to be a jacket for every occasion, and hav-ing just one will simply not work. 7: Camo Band-Aids.

9: Homemade camo sounds like a good idea, but each time it is washed, the dirt and stains need to be reapplied. $is is more e#ort than it is worth.

5: No one needs camo under-wear. No matter how often some-one goes around in just under-wear, it is not necessary to make it camo patterned.

Clazzy

Camo

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10 Gho^f[^k+.%+)*,T.H.W.U.G.A. // !LYFE

Finally! Support for Non Alcoholics!imA d. runk

contributing writer

Hoping to improve their lives and stop being “total losers”, U[sic]GA students have recently formed a new rehabilitation center to deal with the recent epidemic of sober students. Referring to themselves as “Soberholics Anonymous”, the leadership team stated their in-tended goal as “dealing with the blight of productive, hard-work-ing students that have infected the campus.”

“It’s terrifying!” slurred F. Scott Hemingway, President of the or-

ganization. “You’ve got these kids roaming the campus, helping people with their homework and just setting an all-around good ex-ample. What kind of life is that!”

Before answering any fur-ther questions, Mr. Hemingway stumbled and fell onto the !oor, not moving for several minutes. Finally, after being rolled onto his back, he muttered, “think of the children.”

Students enrolled in the pro-gram would meet three nights a week to make improvements. At a typical meeting, some of the orga-nization’s most successful former

patients shared stories of their im-provement.

“I used to wake up in my own home all the time feeling refreshed and ready to start my day,” belched Johnnie Walker. “I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted.”

“One night I got back to my place after a crazy night of study-ing,” murmured a 2nd year stu-dent who chooses to remain anon-ymous, “And I was just so alert and awake. I sort of just, told my roommate goodnight and went to bed. God, I was more man than animal.”

Many students are optimistic that they’ll overcome previous bad habits using the techniques used in the meetings, some of which include: drinking till you wake up in a gutter, partying like you just don’t care, and swallow-ing sadness.

“It started out so hard, but ev-eryday I just drink a little more,” said a student identi"ed only as T. Totaler.

#e organization itself is struc-tured around six basic steps, such as: admitting that one is power-less over sobriety and life had be-come too manageable, that only

through a drink greater than one-self can one restore his natural self, that one must make a decision to turn his life over to the care of the bartender as he understands him, and that one should seek through shot parties and beer shotguns a way to improve his conscious con-tact with booze and the good life.

“If I could live my college expe-rience all over again, I never would have pickedup that text book,” he said before excitedly complaining about his new hangovers. “I live my life one day at a time and tell myself, it’s never too late to grab a drink.”

Preschool graduate enters U[sic]GATOMMY PICKLES

RUGRAT REPORTER

Cap and extra diaper in

hand, recent preschool grad-

uate Babe E. Dolle, is now

headed off to the University of

Georgia.

The previous preschooler is

VMIZTaXZWÅKQMV\QVPMZ)*+¼[and has even memorized the

the numbers 1-5.

,WTTM¼[ JIJa[Q\\MZ \WTL ZM-

porters at graduation, “Babe

owes a lot of her success to

Sesame Street and the Wig-

gles. The Number of the Day

has really helped her in count-

ing, which is her toughest sub-

ject.”

Dolle earned enough hours

in preschool to enter as a Ju-

VQWZQV=C[QKE/);PMPWXM[\Wgraduate on time but because

she has not been taught dates

yet, Dolle is unsure of what

year that would be.

When asked about how her

preschool workload will com-

XIZM \W =/)¼[ ,WTTM ZMXTQML“Goo goo gaw gaw me like do-

awgs.”

)KKWZLQVO \W ,WTTM¼[ XIZ-

ents, she will be majoring in

childhood television, with a

minor in building blocks.

“Maybe she will become an

architect? Or a doctor! Or an

)[\ZWVI]\7Z\PM8ZM[QLMV\WN\PM=VQ\ML;\I\M[º[IQL,WTTM¼[

mother.

Dolle will be living off cam-

pus in part out of fear of fetal

alcohol syndrome.

“Oooohhh yeahh I saww

that baby on campus and I

was all like yo kid do you want

some beer and she was all

like ‘Do you know where my

UWUUa Q[' 1 KIV¼\ ÅVL PMZ¼and I was all like whoa I have

a mom too but I dunno what

happened after that so like...”

said 8th year Reading major

Mary Yup.

Dolle is especially excited

about her fall schedule, which

will include classes in Color-

QVO 8TIaQVO _Q\P 7\PMZ[ IVLTag.

Photo by Nathaniel Devilnov Student Publications

A recent preschool graduate now attends U[sic]GA. High scores

in counting and sight words placed her in the top of her class.

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T.H.W.U.G.A. Gho^f[^k+.%+)*, 11// !LYFE

Just because your parents met here«GRHVQ·W mean that you can·t enjoy our food.

The Original J.R. Crickets serving GA

Tech for almost 32 years! x Open till 2am week nights, 3am Friday &

Saturday nights x Full service catering available x Real Buffalo style chicken wings

jrcrickets.com

Woody Planke Contributing Writer

7KHZHEGHYHORSHURI8*$·VStudy Abroad program, in his

typical inebriated state (read:

drunk) made a grave mistake

as he was updating the website

last spring, which is seeing its

aftermath now.

“I had no idea...how could it

have been such a big deal? How

could I have let my peers down

like this?” he said, who wishes

to remain anonymous.

The title of the website, in

one quick second of spelling

blasphemy, spelled UGA Study

A Board.

Hundreds of students

ÁRFNHG WR WKH ZHEVLWH ODVWVSULQJWRÀQDOL]HVXPPHUSODQVto get the heck out of the

country and were greeted with

this sudden change of plans.

“I thought I was just going

overseas, but I saw this cool

thing called Study A Board,

and I wanted to go that much

more!!” exclaimed Susan Aful-

spelehr, who studied in Argen-

tina.

“I could take some time

away from studying my major,

and go study boards, while

traveling and immersing myself

in another culture!”

“Yeah,” said Ryan Yuslus, as

KHVZHSWKLV·VER\EDQGKDLUfrom his eyes.

“I was all ready to study

about boards, man. Cork boards,

chalk boards,whiteboards...

like...what is it about that

squeaky marker sound that

makes writing on white boards

so fun? And why are chalk-

boards so, like, ugly?” said the

3rd year Philosophy major who

traveled to Nepal.

“I mean, screw Philosophy,

I wanted to change my major

WR%RDUGVPDQ«µ<XVOXV·YRLFHtrailed off as he choked back

sobs of unintentional betrayal.

Yuslus, Afulspelehr and 10

other students who trusted

the UGA website and faculty

to give them the best informa-

tion, are planning a march in

protest of the spelling error

and their time spent abroad.

According to Afulspelehr,

´OLNH MXVW ÀOOHG ZLWK FODVVHVMy friends who went abroad

totally lied about how much fun

it was, just like the website

did.”

7KHPDUFKLVSODQQHGIRUÀ-

nals week, when the students

will walk to the chapel, sit

there, and drink their sorrows

away until they pass out.

Don’t be bored, Study a Board Marryin’ ya cuzkAren smith

burn book reporter

Now listen up ya hea. !is is ‘bout "nding that girl to go down on one knee and present with a ring and a case of Bud Light with. You probably already know ‘er: she’s your cousin.

Marryin’ your cuz is obviously the right choice. Your parents al-ready know each other and you can have the wedding at the farm where you went mud running and shot beer cans as kids. Scien-tists also say that cousin marriage makes your family tree big and strong. !e tighter the branches are, the sturdier it is.

Anyway, the real question is which one to marry.

!ere’s the cousin next door. You know the one—she lives ‘bout 10 yards down the street.

She’s the kind of relative you al-ways imagined you’d fall in love with. She has that 12-tooth smile, hair up in pigtails and makes the best corn bread.

!en there’s the rebellious one. She knows no bounds. She was once arrested by the sheri# for tip-ping over cows out at the Hender-son farm. She’s just got that infec-tious charm that makes it feel so wrong and yet so right.

!en there’s the purty one. She’s got a wide smile and always wears those jean shorts that make her look like Dolly Parton. She "ne to gander at, but in your heart you know that she just don’t have those birthing hips you’re looking for in your wife.

Just make sure to grab her quick so that you can start giving your parents grandchildren and grandnephews.

Photo by N. Cest Student Publications

Marriage is an important decision and with so many in family

options, deciding on one cousin for forever can be very difficult.

Photo courtesy of The College Study A Board Program

What should have been a study abroad program became U[sic]GA’s first Study-A-Board program,

a lucky mistake for many students. Study-A-Board is quickly gaining popularity around campus.

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Come out to Tech Walkway to show your Georgia Tech pride and celebrate Clean Old Fashioned Hate! SAA will have a photo booth available to take your picture with "THWg" props and the prints will be given to you for free! All participants will also recieve a "To Hell with georgia" sticker to wear proudly at the game.

Bring your friends, spread the good word,

and #joinSAA

tuesday

NOV

26

Spirit DAY10:30am - 1:30pm, Tech Walkway

to hell with georgia

What’s the good word?THWG!

www.gtsaa.com

T.H.W.U.G.A. Gho^f[^k+.%+)*, 13// !LYFE

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Iguana classlizzie lizArd

contributing writer

Last week, Professor Buck, Ph.D. in the photography of air, called in sick due to a brain injury. He felt that it was best to send in the next best thing to a U[sic]GA professor, his pet iguana.Little Georgia, as the iguana is known as, was chosen for a vari-ety of reasons, and Buck believes that his class pet can even out-shine some of his fellow professors in courses, such as dirt analysis, intermediate ebonics and profes-sional mud bogging.“Little Georgia is one of the wis-est people, I mean, iguanas that I’ve ever met,” said Buck. “In my classes about air photography, Lit-tle Georgia should easily be able to teach my students the art of

taking pictures with techniques, such as not being scared of the !ash or pressing the snap button and pressing the snap button re-ally fast for those hard to catch moments.”Buck’s decision has been met with serious controversy across the campus, and multiple profes-sors have expressed jealousy about potential iguanas taking over the workplace.“Some people, and frankly igua-nas, don’t realize that we profes-sors to put a lot of e"ort into our classes at U[sic]GA. If I could get a single day o" by letting my own pet iguana teach my beer pong class, sure, I’d go for it, but we should be careful to prevent iguana domination of our cam-pus.” said Professor Fig, PhD in keg stands.

Photo by Iggy Wanya Student Publications

When in doubt, U[sic]GA professors sometimes rely on an

equally important and capable faculty members, their iguanas.

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!is space provided as a public service by the Technique.

To Hellwith

Georgia!

!is space provided as a public service by the Technique.

To Hellwith

Georgia!

ENTERTAINTMENT EDITOR: The Voice of Morgan FreemanASSISTANT ENTERTAINTMENT EDITOR:

Perezezezez Hilston Colorin’

GLEN COCO

GETTER OF CANDY-GRAMS

Coloring books can be hard. Like with all the lines and pictures and colors, it’s easy to get con-fused. But !e Bob Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book makes color-ing easy, whether you’re drunk or hungover.

!e Bob Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book comes with instruc-tions for the Bob Ross Drinking Game and on how to color, which is good cause that way you can read about how to color when you’re too drunk to remember. Also, the coloring book came with picture instructions for drinkers and colorers who don’t know how to read. It’s a real win-win situa-tion. Alcohol.

Like all great coloring books, !e Bob Ross Drinking Game Col-oring Book has more than just

Drinking Game Coloring Book, though, is that it comes with a coupon for Bob Ross Liquor. Its mostly just paint thinner but it sure gets the job done.

Everyone should buy !e Bob Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book because drunk coloring is always better than just coloring.

Okay, this is !ller text. Sorry about that. Words, man. But hey, can we TALK about that raccoon in that picture up there? I know a lot of people say that raccoons look like bandits because of the eye thing they’ve got going on, but if that thing is a bandit, then the only crime it’s guilty of is STEAL-ING MY HEART WITH PURE CUTENESS. It’s like, how does Bob Ross get into a situation where he is holding a baby rac-coon? What chain of events could have possibly led up to that? I’d color that raccoon.

pictures. "ere are mazes and connect the dots and even match-ing. "e mazes are the best part, though, because you can just draw a line through the whole thing when it gets too di#cult.

"e pictures in the book are great too, because the lines are re-ally big so it’s super hard to color outside of them. But, sometimes after you’ve played the Bob Ross Drinking Game for a while, it can get hard to color inside the lines. But either way, Bob Ross is still proud of how well you colored, even if you are blackout drunk.

Another good part of !e Bob Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book is the pictures you can color. "ere are ones of mountains and rivers and happy trees and even one of Bob Ross and his really big hair. I know when I colored that one, it took an entire brown crayon.

"e best part of !e Bob Ross

Coloring help from Bob :)

Photo courtesy of Ashley Katchadourian. You had one job.

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TheDREAM&

theJourney Continue

Georgia Tech Martin Luther King Jr. Celebration • January 9 – February 2, 2014

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)THURSDAY, JAN. 9

Campuswide Student Celebration: Coming Together to Fulfill the Dream Student Center Ballroom 7 p.m.

This event will include student speeches, cultural celebrations through the arts, and a candlelighting ceremony. It is open to students, faculty, staff, and the Atlanta community.

A reception will follow.For more information, contact stephanie.ray@vpss.gatech.edu.

TUESDAY, JAN. 14

Hotel Rwanda Movie Premiere Student Center Theater 7– 9:30 p.m.

Join us for Georgia Tech’s premiere of Hotel Rwanda: the true story of Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel manager who housed over 1,000 Tutsi refugees during their struggle against the Hutu militia in the Rwanda genocide. This event will provide historical context as a precursor to the keynote address to be delivered by Rwandan diplomat His Excellency, Ambassador Eugene-Richard Gasana.

For more information, contact stephanie.ray@vpss.gatech.edu.

Copyright 2013 • Georgia Institute of Technology • Institute Communications • N14C9003f • An equal education and employment opportunity institution

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 15

Martin Luther King Jr. Lecture Keynote Speaker: His Excellency, Ambassador Eugène-Richard Gasana Student Center Ballroom 3 p.m.

His Excellency, Ambassador Eugène-Richard Gasana, is a Rwandan diplomat and the current Permanent Representative of Rwanda to the United Nations in New York City.

An invitation-only reception will follow at Ferst Place.

RSVP by December 15 at www.diversity.gatech.edu/mlk-institute-lecture-rsvp.

For more information, contact najah.hofman@vpid.gatech.edu or sandra.duplessis@vpid.gatech.edu.

MONDAY, JAN. 20

National MLK Holiday Observance: A Day of Service 8 a.m.–2 p.m.

Make a difference in the community with “A Day On, Not a Day Off.” Join Georgia Tech’s third annual MLK Day of Service, a campuswide initiative honoring the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. Participants will serve in teams and engage in service projects with metro Atlanta community partners. There are 250 volunteer spots available.

For registration details and a full schedule, visit www.leadandengage.gatech.edu.

For more information, contact sarah.perkins@vpss.gatech.edu.

THURSDAY, JAN. 23

Sunday Supper: A Community Conversation and Meal Student Success Center, President’s Suite 6–8 p.m.

As we honor Martin Luther King Jr.’s life and legacy, it is important to take time to celebrate and reflect as a community. The Sunday Supper invites the Georgia Tech community to come together over a meal and engage in meaningful dialogue about the 2014 MLK Celebration events, Dr. King’s legacy, and his international impact. There are 100 spaces available.To register, visit www.leadandengage.gatech.edu.

For more information, contact pschnaak3@gatech.edu.

SAT. – SUN., FEB. 1 – 2

Memphis Civil Rights Tour Departure Time 7 a.m.

Georgia Tech faculty, academic professionals, and students will journey to Memphis, Tenn. for our Civil Rights Tour to visit The Slave Haven Underground Railroad, the Memphis Rock & Soul Museum, and the national Civil Rights Museum. A major goal of this tour is to increase student-faculty engagement.

Transportation and hotel lodging are provided at no cost to participants, but participants must pay for their own meals.

This tour is limited to 30 faculty and academic professionals and 70 students.

To register, go to www.diversityprograms.gatech.edu/plugins/content/index.php?id=116. Registration will be open as long as spots are available.

For more information, contact stephanie.ray@vpss.gatech.edu.

SponsorsOffice of Institute Diversity

Ivan Allen College of Liberal Arts

Division of Student Affairs

The Student Center

Office of Student Diversity Programs

Campus Services BuzzFunds

Office of Leadership & Civic Engagement

Parents Fund for Student Life & Leadership

Student Government Association

———————————For more information, call the Office of Diversity Programs at 404.894.2561 or TDD 404.894.1664. Please let sponsors know if you need an accommodation.

www.diversity.gatech.edu/MLK-celebration

EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.

• Celebrate Georgia Tech traditions and the spirit that makes Georgia Tech such a beloved institution.

• Meet and greet President Peterson, Provost Bras, faculty, staff, and other students and their families.

• Take photos with Buzz and the Ramblin’ Wreck.• Purchase Georgia Tech merchandise. • Honors graduates can pick up their honor cords

from the Registrar’s Office.

——————————— ———————————Friday, December 13, 2013 • 3-5 p.m. • Tech Green

(Rain location — Student Center)——————————— ———————————FREE admission for all graduates and their families

Attend the

President’sGraduation Celebration!

Ph.D. and Master’s Ceremony Friday, December 13 7-10 p.m.

Bachelor’s CeremonySaturday, December 14 9-Noon

Create one last Tech memory with family and friends prior to Commencement!

Copyright 2013 • Georgia Institute of Technology • Institute Communications • N14C105025s • An equal education and employment opportunity institution

www.gatech.edu/commencement #GTgrad2013

T.H.W.U.G.A. • November 25, 2013• 19// COLORIN’

Apply to be a

Georgia Tech Ambassador!

If you love Georgia Tech and are interested in hosting campus tours, attending prominent Georgia Tech events, and networking with

distinguished alumni and special guest of the Institute, Georgia Tech Ambassadors might be

the perfect organization for you!

Our mission is to serve the Georgia Institute of Technology by acting as professional

representatives of the school and as official hosts of the Alumni Association.

Applications Due:

Friday, January 17th, 2014 2013, at 5pm

Learn more about the Georgia Tech Ambassadors by visiting www.gtambassadors.org.

Any questions can be directed at Alli Gainer, VP of

Recruitment at againer3@gatech.edu com.

Makin your tracktor smexy with shiny thingsROSS BUTTERMILKERSON

PANCAKE AFICIONADO

A new phenomenon has been making waves across U[sic]GA’s campus this past fall. Following in the footsteps of a long history of superb and deeply meaningful television programs such as Pimp my Ride and Trick my Truck, U[sic]GA students seem to have found a common calling competing for each other’s admiration and ap-proval by spending their large quantities of otherwise unoccu-pied free time out!tting and im-proving the vehicles which matter most in their lives: their tractors.

On a recent day at U[sic]GA, dozens of tractors large and small were visible parked around campus. Fifth-year Landscape "erapy major Bart Bubbsta, who credits himself with bringing back this pursuit to U[sic]GA after it underwent several semesters of relative dormancy, breathlessly re-lates how he came to be inspired to start souping up his tractor.

“Ah became restless abaht the jacked pickup truck loak. You know, everyone else wuhs doin it and I just felt ah needed to bust out the bubble and discover the real me. First of all ah baught some spray paint and ah painted the beast mah favorite color: red. "en ah tried to install dual tur-bos in the angine, but ah couldn’t make it work so ah took those back aught. But ah do have a cool axhaust pipe thaht shoots #ames aught the top.”

is unknown, however, as a large number look to be broken down, and more than a few burned out. We found student A.P. Hesterton, who at the time of conversation was imbibing alcohol, unable to recall his year or major, and ap-peared to be in some degree of distress in relation to the prior day’s football defeat at the hands of Vanderbilt, reclining next to one such machine.

When asked what had hap-pened to the ashy hunk of metal and rubber positioned between himself and a large nearby fra-ternity house, Hesterton found it di$cult to stop mentioning some sort of unstoppable red and black “tractor tide” which he alleged was about to sweep the nation. When pressed, Hesterton eluci-dated that he and a growing bloc of fellow U[sic]GA students, in light of recent events, were pre-pared to throw in the towel on school athletics and adopt a dif-ferent kind of pursuit: “Back to back national... tractor racing... championships, right on the way baby.” Notwithstanding Hester-tons’ tractor’s obvious technical di$culties, we will let readers judge for themselves U[sic]GA’s chances in this !eld.

"is is !ller text. "e editor of this section has like !ve coloring book projects this week, and just no time at all to !nish an article about tractors. But if you’re read-ing this, thanks for making it to the end! You guys are the best. I love you. Beers tomorrow?

paint jobs, underglow, spinner hub-caps, removal of body panels and mu%ers and installation of oversized speaker systems which are employed to blast passers-by with country music classics such as Florida Georgia Line’s “Cruise.”

"e proportion of these trac-tors that are capable of indepen-dent movement at any given time

rahds to’em all night long since ah braught this thing on campus. "e other tractors, they ain’t got what mine’s got.”

Despite Bubbsta’s assertions to the contrary, a large number of extensively renovated tractors on U[sic]GA’s campus do indeed rival his in every way. Favorite al-terations appear to include: #ame

Bubbsta explains that his ex-tensive alterations to his John Deere 4960 have served, surpris-ingly, as a spark for his love life, and dismisses upstart challengers to his tractor supremacy as shams. “When I started, ah had no ahdea that tha females would lahk mah tractor as much as me. But boy let me teall yah ah’ve been givin’

Elephant Tractors sounds like the name of an indie band. Like, someone will be like “Elephant Tractors!” and you’ll be like “Who?” and then it’ll be like #recordscratchnoise #judgement.

Photo courtesy of Mackenzie Zales. Head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part-time model.

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20 • November 25, 2013• T.H.W.U.G.A. // COLORIN’

VALET ATTENDANTS$150 signing bonus after 90 days

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SMELLIOTT BROCKELBARF

WARRIOR POET

So you’ve found a lady friend you want to take out and impress, or maybe you’re just going out for a night in the city and you want to be on your ‘A’ game. You are dressed to the nines, suited up like Neil Patrick Harris, brushed teeth, combed hair and every-thing. Something is missing though, but what? Something that let’s the whole building know you have arrived, something to turn their heads. Cologne. !is is not done with something smooth and subtle, you don’t want any of that classy European designer

stead it will say the cologne smells like fresh cut hedges, the color red, Fugi apple and white birch. But you’ll know better.

For those of you looking for cologne that you can put on af-ter a shower, but smell like you haven’t taken one in weeks, this is the stu" for you. University of Georgia Cologne was inspired by and is meant for true dawg fans. If you use this enough, you’ll start to smell just like you go there. And if this Georgia scent isn’t what you’re looking for, even though it should be, you can still try out university colognes o"ered at Ala-bama, North Carolina, Tennes-see, Florida and Kentucky.

ingredients. After that, a strong stench will arise: actual bulldog urine. !is gives the cologne a cer-tain boldness and memorability. It should also impress the ladies, since girls love guys with dogs, and nothing says, “I own a great dog!” like smelling like you just took a bath in their pee. Follow-ing this scent, the cologne closes nicely with a hint of whiskey. Not some aged whiskey though, noth-ing too classy. !ink o"-brand Jack Daniels. !is informs people that you’re always down to party, because you always smell like you came from one. Due to FDA reg-ulations, these ingredients have been hidden from the label; in-

you must spray every square inch of your body, even if it’s covered by clothes. Make sure to get your arms, your hands, your legs and your feet, and of course your en-tire face. Make it like you just got out of a waterfall shower. !is way, as soon as you enter a room, everyone will have no choice but to turn their heads as they search for that wonderful aroma (if you apply this correctly, they shouldn’t have to work very hard).

As the smell begins to settle in the room, the #rst thing people will notice is a hint of Georgia clay and mud. !e school’s big color is red, so it is an obvious choice to include the Georgia red clay

stu". Well ladies and gentlemen, the search is over: !e University of Georgia has now released a co-logne of its very own.

Yes, you too can now smell like a true U[sic]GA fan. Show everyone your dedication with a scent that says, “I’m a true dawg!” by dousing yourself with this fra-grance.

Like any good cologne, this fragrance has multiple character-istics that your nose will distin-guish with every waft. For every-thing to smell just right though, remember to apply it correctly, like a true member of the U[sic]GA fandom: instead of spritzing your wrist and maybe your neck,

Ok. Oh holy crap, this is a long caption. Five columns. Ok, shouldn’t be a problem, you’ve done this before. Come on man. Everyone’s watching you. Don’t blow this. Caption. Caption caption caption. Caaaaaaption. Dammit, what is wrong with you tonight? You barely pulled off the Bob Ross thing, now this? Screw it. Butts.

Photo courtesy of Trisha Cappelletti a.k.a. Ben Affleck

Bro, there’s this cologne. You go!a check it out bro.

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T.H.W.U.G.A. • November 25, 2013• 21// COLORIN’

1888–2013

me125.gatech.edu

125 Years of Engineering the Future

BRUCE DWAYNEIHOP NIGHT SHIFT MANAGER

!e theater at U[sic]GA (GO DAWGS!) will soon be putting on a show for the six month anniver-sary of the drama program. Pre-vious performances, all sell-out shows, include Dawgs, Meet Me in Waleska, and South State Story. We went to the bar to talk with the director. When he understood we were about to conduct an in-terview, he asked the bartender to switch him from whiskey to beer so he could talk coherently. We asked a few questions about the upcoming show, Rent.

What’s the show about?Beautiful, really. Heartwarm-

ing. Good, old-fashioned fun. Bring the whole family. Grandma, infants, toddlers, your dog, every-one.

!at doesn’t really tell us what happens. What’s the plot?

Well you see there’s this guy with a video camera and he goes around whining that his glasses are too small or something. Any-way in our production we kill him immediately and replace him with a nice boy who lives with a coun-try music star who’s also a preacher at the local Baptist church. Look, there’s lots of characters and tell-ing you everything that happens would take, like, two hours. Point being, at the end everyone gets married and Jesus comes down with a rocket launcher to destroy the liberals and all the gays die of AIDS.

Rent is known for tackling some controversial topics; do you feel you address the social issues of the play in a way which relates to students of U[sic]GA (GO DAWGS)?

I feel we’ve created an excel-lent version which caters to the Athens crowd. It takes only the slightest bit of creative to show the

want people to really be in the holiday spirit and we think Rent is just the show to do it. And f*#% the government.

Which song do you like best?Song? !is ain’t a musical.

What are we, ho-mo-sex-uals?Rent opens Christmas day.

What are you hoping audi-ences will take away from the show?

Hopefully they’ll leave feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. !at’s what Rent is. A feel-good comedy about sharing. Which is why we have it opening when it is. We

live cow onstage” or “We can’t use rocket launchers ‘cause they’re il-legal” you punch him in the stom-ach so he feels your decision in his gut too.

What’s the cow for?I don’t want to spoil it. Let’s

just say her name is Mimi.

excellent story at the core of Rent without being Godless liberals. Needless to say, nobody will feel it necessary to cover their ears in the middle of the show so as not to subject themselves to hedonis-tic, drug-fueled drivel. But if I say so myself, I believe we stayed true to its heart.

What’s special about your production?

We’re very faithful to the source material. Faithful as a member of the Baptist church who goes every Sunday. Really the most di"cult part was recreating Atlanta for the set. Looks all pretty and city-like. Was di"cult #nding a way to show a building larger than one story, but we found enough bags of fertilizer.

What made you pick Rent?We liked the spirit of the show.

You know, f*#% the government. !ere was some other parts we didn’t quite like so we tweaked them, but only a little.

What’s your favorite part?Anything with Maureen.

She’s hot. I do feel bad for Mark, though. But Maureen is better o$ with Joe. He’s a lawyer. Women need a strong husband with a steady job to support her instead of some artsy-fartsy movie douche who has to video tape homeless people just for the vaguest hope that he can rub two pennies to-gether so he can buy himself a bigger pair of glasses. Actually, I take it back. My favorite part is where we kill Mark and replace him with Bub. Bub’s actually a likeable character.

How much thought went into this production?

!ought! What the hell does directing have to do with think-ing! You feel it in your gut and you never question any decisions you make. And if anybody else tries to say crap like “!is doesn’t make sense” or “We can’t have a

!eater director discusses "ner points of classic play

That’s a cow’s tongue. Speaking of tongues, did you know that a woodpecker’s tongue is so long that it has to curl all the way around the inside of its skull when not in use? I mean, what even?

Photo courtesy of effing Rachel Tice

22 • November 25, 2013• T.H.W.U.G.A. // THINKINPUZZLES

Find Dwayne

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T.H.W.U.G.A. • November 25, 2013• 23// THINKINPUZZLES

1

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Crossword Challenge

Here’s a Rocket Ship!

24 • November 25, 2013• technique // SPORTS

Information Technology

Techs’ on-campus print resource!

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U[sic]GA prepares for civilizationBILLY RAYWRITTER

!e bi-annual bout between the football squads of the U[sic]GA and Tech has always attracted waves upon waves of red-shirted Bulldog fans to the Bobby Dodd gridiron (bringing to mind some-thing just a bit less than a Crim-son Tide). In anticipation of this matchup, the Georgia Depart-ment of Transportation issued the following alert to all commuters.

!is week, all HOV tra"c on I-20 and I-285 coming from Athens-Clarke to Atlanta will be limited to Budweiser trucks, cattle wagons and tractor trailers carry-ing grass.

Yes, grass indeed. It all began two years ago when

Georgia fans and farmers alike de-cided to combine work with play by bringing their cows to graze on Tech campus, not wanting to miss the most exciting thing behind the yearly harvest. As a result, the Burger Bowl and Tech Green were depleted of their greenery. Addi-tionally, a trailer of cattle hydro-planed in front of the Bulldogs’ buses on a beer-drenched Fresh-man Hill, nearly causing a delay of game due to excessive cow tip-ping. !e Chick-Fil-A in the Stu-dent Center, however, reported a sales spike due to customers of the bovine persuasion.

Tech promptly instituted a no-grazing policy.

Fearing the impact a missed week of grazing could have upon the well-being of their livestock, Bulldog fans recently pleaded with

Georgia president Jere Morehead to do something to remediate the situation. Morehead, seeking to internalize the matter, challenged the College of Agricultural and Environmental Sciences to “de-vise an elegant solution becom-ing of the Harvard of the South” and subsequently announced yet another expected series of routine annual research budget cuts.

Agricultural professor Will Getturnt had this to say about what followed.

“Just weeks before the game, we were having trouble coming up with this new nutrient-en-riched portable turf which rolled

up like a carpet. !e issue was - well, there were two issues actu-ally. !e #rst issue was that drunk students would roll themselves up in the turf, get rug burns, and call themselves ‘hot dogs’. !e second issue was that we were forced to keep the cattle outside since their former containment edi#ce was converted into a dormitory. We couldn’t risk them eating all the turf in the lab by keeping them inside. One morning, though, we came to work and we couldn’t #nd the cows anywhere. Later that day, one of the ‘hot dogs’ called our lab and told us that the cows were grazing on the grass at Sanford

Stadium. !at’s when we realized that the solution to our problem had been beneath our noses the entire time.”

Morehead promptly ordered all the grass from Sanford to be pulled up and placed into tractor trailers for immediate transport. By the time Mark Richt caught wind, the #eld was barren and void, much akin to his hopes of ever reaching the BCS National Championship game.

Nick Saban and his SEC Championship trophy wish Geor-gia fans a bountiful harvest, their cattle good grazing, and the Yel-low Jackets one helluva game.

By Billy Bob Redneck Publications

Fans from U[sic]GA will prepare for their biannual trip to civilization by brushing their tooth and possibly even taking a shower. Most even plan on bringing their cows along for the glorious ride.

CHOKE FROM PAGE 27

Two of those losses came in the SEC Championship where Geor-gia, had backed their way into the game thanks to the easiest SEC schedule two years in a row.

In last year’s SEC champi-onship game against Alabama, Georgia held a 21-10 lead halfway through the third quarter. Most thought Georgia had the game in the bag, but Murray was unable to keep pace with his counterpart and they found themselves down four with one minute left. Murray led the dawgs down to the eight yard line with 15 seconds left. In-stead of spiking the ball with 15 seconds left, Murray and Coach Richt decided to let the clock tick on down. Murray #nally threw the ball with nine seconds left, but failed to read the blitz of Alabama linebacker CJ Mosley. !e ball was tipped and was caught in the #eld of play, presumably ending the game. Instead of having the chance to run three plays, Mur-ray and company chose to only run one. !e game will go down as one of the biggest blunders in SEC history and Georgia found themselves three yards away from a national championship.

“If I were a NFL GM, I would not draft Aaron Murray. If you’re okay at only being second best, then he is your guy. !e Cowboys could possibly take him to even-tually replace Tony Romo, but Cowboys fans shouldn’t hold their breath because winning big games is something Murray will never be able to do,” Georgia sophomore Adrienne Clark said.

Still waiting at the Murray household is an empty trophy case for Murray’s college achievements and it will likely remain empty.

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The goal of 100 endowed chairs and professorships is a top priority for Campaign Georgia Tech, the $1.5 billion effort to enable Georgia Tech to de!ne the technological research university of the twenty-!rst century.

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technique • November 25, 2013• 27// SPORTS

ISAIAH CROWELLGUEST COLUMNIST

!e football team practiced long and hard learning their Mi-randa Rights last week in prepara-tion for a weekend of frat parties and the anuanl ‘binge driking week’ at the “University”. !e team dedicates at least a few weeks’ worth of practices every year to learning theese rights in an e"ort to reduce the number of arrested players.

Richt said if the team was spending this week actually prac-ticing football, it would probably just be something pointless, like knocking the ball down on fourth and long.

So far it has not been very ef-

fective. Football players will ‘go hard’ right before !anksgiving to relieve stress from the failures they have faced on the #eld this season. With a disappointing 6-4 record, Coach Richt expects to break last season’s record of play-ers arrested.

“I #rst introduced this to our #ne program about #ve years ago. I noticed that Florida was lead-ing the country in arrests and also winning national champion-ships,” head coach Mark Richt said. “I was sick of losing so many players to prison. If they could just learn to shut the [expletive] up when talking to the police, we’d probably have a national title by now.”

However, Richt’s message

seems to be falling on deaf ears.“We ain’t come here to play

school,” star running back Todd Gurley said. “He’s got us sitting in some classroom and making us memorize words? !at’s pointless. We came here to play football.”

!e vast majority of players ex-pressed similar sentiments as Gur-ley, some more eloquently than others. When asked to comment on the situation, quarterback Aar-on Murray said, “I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say can and may be used against me in a court of law. I have the right to have an attorney present before and during this questioning.”

11 U[sic]GA players have been arrested for public intoxication since practice began last Monday.

Photo by Zoo Keeper I Like It

Hairy Dawg does his best to inspire the U[sic]GA football players learn their Miranda Rights. The football players typically spend a week learning their rights before they go out and get arrested.

U[sic]GA players take week to learn Miranda Rights

Murray graduates.When looking at Murray’s

numbers, one might be impressed with his 12,983 career passing yards and 117 touchdown passes, but when taking a closer look at the #ne print, you will #nd that this year’s preseason Heisman frontrunner was as unimpressive as it gets when his team needed him to make a play.

“Like Murray, I’m also a #fth-year senior so I’ve been around for all of his big choke jobs. I #rst re-

alized how special he was when he failed to properly hando" the ball to our running back, Caleb King, at the end of the Colorado game, his #rst year. !e poorly executed hando" led to a fumble and it kept us from attempting a game winning #eld goal. At that point, I knew we were screwed,” said se-nior Turfgrass Management ma-jor, !omas Choo.

Murray will round out his career at Georgia with a 6-12 re-cord against Top 25 teams and a 3-6 record against top 10 teams.

Photo by Bye See You Later

Aaron Murray looks for an open receiver in a game at Tech. This was just before losing to LSU in the 2011 SEC Championship.

See CHOKE, page 27

CHOKE FROM PAGE 28

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Footbalfootbal@thwuga.net

SPORTS EDITOR: Ron Burgundy

by the numbers0

!e number of U[sic]GA foot-ball players that could get into Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt defeated the Bulldogs 31-27 earlier this season.

4!e number of interceptions

the U[sic]GA defense has recorded this season. !e four interceptions recorded by the defense ranks 115 in the NCAA out of 123 teams. !e stat is surprising considering U[sic]GA defenders are experi-enced in taking things from oth-ers.

6!e number of moths U[sic]

GA coaches estimate a freshman football players will be on campus before being arrested.

10 !e percent of U[sic]GA fans

that actually attended the school.

5 !e percent of U[sic]GA fans

that actually graduated from the school.

U[sic]GA adds Milton to scheduleBALES O’HAYI LOVE SPORTS

U[sic]GA has announced that they are adding Milton High School to next year’s no-confer-ence basketball schedule. !e game will be both teams’ season opener next season and will be held at Stegeman Coliseum in Athens, Ga.

“We are really looking forward to getting to play against top tier competition,” said U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Fox. “Since most of the teams in the SEC are as bad at basketball as they are academi-cally, we have really been trying to add some competitive non-confer-ence games to the schedule. If we can somehow "nd a way to win games against marquee opponents like Milton, it should help us come tournament selection time.”

Although this is the "rst time the Bulldogs have scheduled a high school team, they are fa-miliar with playing high qual-ity non-conference opponents. Just last season, U[sic]GA played Youngstown State, a game the Bulldogs came up short in 68-56 loss. Fox said after the game that playing such a quality opponent that tight was a real morale vic-tory for the team.

Fox is aware of the talent dis-crepancy between Milton and U[sic]GA and thinks the matchup between the two “schools” could be a real mismatch.

“Milton has a rich history of producing Division I talent,” Fox said. “Just look at their 2010 ros-ter that had six players with o#ers from Division I schools. !at’s more talent than we’ve had on our roster since I’ve been here. It’s a safe assumption that all of their players have a higher IQ than my players, I just hope that doesn’t translate into a higher basketball

IQ or the game could get real ugly.”

Fox has previously stated that he is a huge fan of tradition, some-thing that he believes the U[sic]GA basketball program lacks, and hopes to make opening the season against a high school team an an-nual event.

“We really don’t really have any traditions when it comes to basketball here at U[sic]GA. We have our annual tradition of get-ting owned by Georgia Tech and

Brian Gregory every year, but that’s about it. Hopefully playing a high school team like Milton every year is something that will catch on with our student body and our other six fans,” Fox said.

Like Fox, Milton Head Coach, Van Keys, had an opinion about the game but did not sound nearly as excited about the game as Fox did.

“We already play teams like Roswell High School, so not re-ally sure why we needed to add

another scrub to the schedule,” Keys said. “Not really my decision though, I just do what I’m told. I guess it will be a decent warm-up before region play begins, I just hope playing such a soft schedule doesn’t tarnish our reputation of being an elite basketball program. !at is the main point when try to sell to kids when we are out on the recruiting trail, and it would be a real hit to our program if we are unable to continue bringing in top talent.”

Photo by Bad Bad Leroy Brown Ballin Hard

After getting dominated by collegiate competition every season, U[sic]GA has decided to sched-ule Milton High School next year in hopes of actually picking up a win over a quality opponent.

Murray excited for opportunity to not choke in SEC Championship

TYLER IN ATLANTACRYBABY

After a long hard season, Aar-on Murray is in a good mood en-tering the "nal weeks of his Geor-gia career. Murray is thrilled that he won’t be given the chance to choke in this year’s SEC Champi-onship game.

“I’m really just proud of the way my last season here in Ath-ens worked out,” Murray said. “Usually I would have to worry about choking in the SEC Cham-pionship, but this year I’m lucky enough to be able to sit at home and enjoy some other team from the SEC East getting it handed to them by Alabama.”

Even the Murray household is rather upbeat this November be-cause their family name will not have to be disgraced once again.

“Last year was rough for us. We were so close, but our little Tony Romo found a way to let our family down just one more time,” Murray’s, mom, Jane Mur-

ray, said. Aaron Murray is also possibly

the greatest quarterback in the history of college football to ac-complish absolutely nothing. In a game where rings matter and winning is everything, Murray will leave Georgia with zero SEC Championships and zero Nation-al Championships. Murray didn’t come to Georgia to set records—he came to win championships and he did the exact opposite of that.

“I get furious after every Geor-gia. I always call into the radio. I constantly call for "ring of Mark Richt and complain how ‘star’ can never get over the hump. !is supposed to be our year. Last year supposed to be our year. I’ve been saying for 30 and it’s old,” U[sic]GA fan Gary Hutcherson said.

Georgia fans calling into ra-dio shows on Saturday nights to complain about Coach Richt and Murray is a tradition unlike any other and will be missed when

See CHOKE, page 27

BILL E. GOATBIGGEST U[SIC]GA FAN EVER

U[sic]GA head football coach Mark Richt has announced that he has signed a contract to be sponsored by spray tan company Spray Tan. Richt claims that the relationship between Spray Tan and himself was a match made in heaven since he has been using the product for about seven years now anyway.

“I was "rst introduced to spray tan a few years back from some of the sorority girls here in Ath-ens,” Richt said. “Since then, it just caught on and I kept using it. It really compliments the Just for Men: Touch of Gray I’ve been us-ing. Back in the day, I didn’t really have to worry about this kind of stu#, but HDTV changed every-thing.”

Richt didn’t go into details about the length of the contract, but hinted that it was a pretty lu-crative deal for him, stating that he was getting nearly twice as

much as U[sic]GA is paying star running back Todd Gurley.

“I would have signed the con-tract just to get the free spray tan, but the huge sum of money they o#ered to go along with it was just

a deal too good to pass up. I’m not really sure how much UGA is go-ing to be paying me, so I’m just trying to get as much money as I can before they run me out of here.”

Richt lands spray tan sponsorship

Photo by Sonny It’s hot

Mark Richt shows out of his nice orange skin after applying his Spray Tan spray tan that he received in his sponsorship deal.

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