Volume 8, Issue 6 Middle Name Pride Day

March 12, 2010

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People do some strange things, this is especially true when people have nothing but time on their hands and are left to their own mental wiles. There is little doubt that all people, regardless of background, have individual quirks and idiosyn-crasies that help to shape and mould who they become in life. These things, these quirks, can be something simple like an unconscious twitch or they may be elaborate such as every time you take a crap you bend down to smell and inspect the corn to feces ratio. Hopefully, nobody actually does the latter because that’s just sickening. The point is oddities are all around us. Every-where you look there is bound to be something completely out of the ordinary or bizarre happen-ing. And, as with most universal truths this one holds absolutely true for the prison setting (see Ramdiculous Page Vol. 8, Issue 2). Along this same vein, not the vein from the last prison related anecdote cause that one made people vomit, here for your reading pleasure is yet another regale-ment of randomness and ridiculous rife with reju-venation, rancidity, raucousness, and rape. Ok, no rape, but the rest is for true. In my capacity as the Assistant Recreational Su-pervisionary Specialist (totally official title, it even comes with a parking space!), I have seen quite a few oddball things in my time. From the guy who runs the track every day with trash bags shoved down his pants, to the one who raises the baby birds that live in our arts and crafts building, and everything in between. But by far the most awkward dude I have ever encountered thus far in my current station has to be one of my order-lies. See, this guy, we’ll call him Frank, is the most bizarre character I have ever met (and I’ve met myself multiple times so I know a thing or two about bizarre characters). Well, Frank (no relation to Frank the bunny from Donnie Darko) is, for all intents and purposes of actually having a job in prison, my window

washer. Every day he comes in and washes the windows in my building and office to make them sparkle like diamonds, but not her diamonds - they bring me down. So Frank diligently and with gusto, day in and day out washes the windows, and he does a damn fine job of it. There has never been a problem with Frank, or his work, he is a fairly model employee. That is until recently when I discovered something just a weeeeeeeeeeeeee bit disturbing. Allow me to give you some background information about Frank so you can better understand this enigma of a man with a child’s brain and vocabulary. Frank is the oddest of the odd, the crème de la crème of awkwardness, the sultan of the sideways glance, and he has not just one, but many person-ality quirks that I have discovered by virtue of my station. The first, and biggest, quirk he possesses is that he is petrified, deathly scared, of anything that someone else has touched. He refuses to come into contact with anything or anyone for fear of, and these are his words to me, “contracting their essence and having it inhabit my being and raping my mind.” Frank is weird. So, because of his aversion to everyone’s “essence” he dresses every day covered head to toe, I often think he might be better off wearing a burqua, so as not to touch anything. He wears latex gloves and trash bags for added protection. In addition to this, I have been told by some of my other orderlies that every night, Frank sits in the telephone room and talks on the phone for hours at a time. Not too strange in itself, but in point of fact there is no one on the other end of the phone. Lonely Frank sits and talks to the weather recording from 8:00PM until 10:00PM. This is both humorous and sad, but mostly humorous. Also, Frank always carries around a water bottle which he empties nightly. Most people who carry water bottles around here have water in them, but not Frank. Frank uses his water bottle to collect his own spit. All

Continued on page 6

TXT U

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(562) RAM

DIC

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The Ballad of Awkward Frank

Person 1: "Should i cut this off?"

Person 2: "Yeah, it's not serving any actual

purpose." Person 3: "That's what she said."

Quote of

the Week

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p:/

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w.r

am

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us.

com

/dr

This week you are Ram of

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tions!!! Take this paper to

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(seriously, do it). You are

just that awesome that we

felt that you needed to be

honored. And no I don't

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ring to all our readers; I

mean specifically YOU.

Right there. Yeah, you,

buddy. You're freaking fantastic, and you deserve rec-

ognition for all your hard work, and we wanted to give

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ment wants to give you a pat on the back--and maybe

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TO SEE YOUR PHOTO HERE 1. print and tape on photo

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2. Cut this box out and use a mirror

3. Send an image of your-self and 5 dollars to Ramdiculous Page ASU Station #11027 San Angelo, TX 76909

(Discussing the healthcare debate)

I hate to hold Republicans' feet to the fire, but I think they're being emotionally dishonest in what amounts to like a marriage counseling session. The Democrats want to have a baby, and they keep on

saying, "Well of course we want to have a baby, but after we get the promotion and move to St. Louis," or, "Let's travel around for a while." When in fact, they've had a vasectomy when it comes to health-

care. They're shooting blanks on this bill.

3

The Incredible Question

Getting Back at the White Man

The world makes us giggle, it makes us cry, and sometimes it makes us so angry we can do nothing but scream loudly and incoherently into a mi-crophone in front of thousands of disenfranchised youth. Such is the case with many people who are as I am. I speak of course of the white man; the Caucasian; the redneck. Long has it been known that the white man is the root of all evil, just ask any local Rasta. But what makes the white man so vile is also that which makes him one of the most beloved of all the mens on earth. The simple presence of a white person automatically gives everyone else who is otherwise pigmented a common enemy. And if there is a common enemy among those who are already enemies in and of them-selves, the disdain of the latter for one another is refocused, causing harmony rather than discord. This is simply how it goes. But why? The answer is deceptively simple, and in point of fact, was already given to you last week in this very same col-umn. You may not like it, you may love it, you may just want to punch me in the face because you disagree with me and I support that because that is your right, however violence is not the answer – Martin Luther King would disapprove, as would Ghandi. And I don’t think we need to anger them, it would dishonor their memory. Slavery. Yes, slavery, that word among words that causes people to cringe and bicker and become in-censed at the fact that we still talk about it. When the white man first emigrated from Europe to the New World and landed at Fraggle Rock, it was a striking adventure that offered little hope of survival. And upon reaching the new and exciting Americas, the white man decided that he no longer wanted to work after having arduously labored just to get here, and opted to ship other people to do the work for them. It was a win-win situation as far as they were concerned, no more work AND the population increased which in turn boosted industrious thought

and new material things they could take credit for inventing. Well, that worked out until the white man discovered that his newly found laborers were much more intelligent than he had given them credit for, and things soon went downhill. Everything about the white man began to make less and less sense to everyone around them, and ques-tions soon arose. Who decided the white guy should be in charge? I didn’t vote for him. To which the white man responded - you don’t vote for king. And the retort back was, well then how’d you become king then? The white man said, the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine provi-dence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king. To which they cried, listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds dis-tributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony. And that, sadly, is how we ended up here with the white man being hated and loved for all he has given the world. Things including, but not limited to, George W Bush (our for-mer fearless ALWAYS nonsensical leader), food with NO seasoning, Nancy Grace, herpes, every kid that's ever shot up a middle school, and the cast of Jersey Shore. Thank you white people for accepting us as your own, even if it's hard to under-stand your crazy death metal music and how your unexplainable attrac-tion to cutting up your familes and eating them makes you the people you are. We love you guys.*

--Samuel Clemens

*portions of the final paragraph contributed by one of our dissatis-

fied readers whom we honor for calling us out on our bullshit.

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day, every day he spits into this 20 ounce water bottle and totes it around the compound. If only that were the whole tale of the water bottle, but oh you’d be wrong. Once the bottle is full, and depending upon the time of day that it gets full, Frank proceeds to drink his own spit….yeah. You can throw up in your mouth now. I don’t know why he does this, but my guess is that he is replenishing his “essence.” But wait, there’s more. If the bottle becomes full during one of the times that Frank is working for me, cleaning my windows and such, he does something even more awkward and gross. We give Frank a spray bottle with a small amount of chemical cleanser, not unlike concentrated Windex, in order to clean the windows which he is supposed to fill to the top line with water from the faucet to dilute the chemicals and clean the windows. However, be-cause Frank is a dedicated employee, once he checks in for his shift, he refuses to leave his job undone even to fill the chemical bottle. So, in order to dilute the chemicals and complete his task, and if his water bottle is full, or close to full, Frank dumps his spit into the chemical bot-tle and proceeds to clean the windows, effectively spreading his essence all over the window panes. I have spoken to Frank about this numerous times, and even though he agrees every time, he has continued to utilize his spit as a cleaning product. Thankfully, at the end of this month, he is to be fired and I can finally not have to worry about avoiding contact with the multitudes of windows I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

--Samuel Clemens

Continued from cover FRANK

Things You Should Never Say to Your

Girlfriend/Wife

Top Ten

10. Have those jeans

shrunk? They look

tight on you.

9. How much is this

gonna cost?

8. What do you mean our

anniversary was yes-

terday?

7. What do you do all day

anyway?

6. You're just like your

mother

5. You're wearing that?

4. I can't believe we've

only been married 5

years. It feels like for-

ever.

3. What have you done to

your hair?

2. You don't cook that

like my last girlfriend

did.

1. anything at all (if

it's… you know when)

Thanks to Jeremy Flint

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Last Week’s Correct Submissions

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(325) 942-2063, via our suggestion box in the UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.

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Mystic

The horse, not SpongeBob...

R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, page@ramdiculous.com or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.

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Ramdiculous Observances

Saturday National Open an Umbrella Indoors Day (cause that's not annoying…)

Sunday International Ask

a Question Day (Why?)

Monday Brutus Day (yeah,

let's honor the murderer; screw

that guy he killed)

Tuesday St. Urho's Day (St.

Ur-who?)

Wednesday Campfire Girls

Day

Thursday Awkward

Moments Day (ask random people how often their parents do it)

Alice in Wonderland

Well, I just have to say, "Wow!" That movie was fantastic--everything I had expected it to be and more. In the same vein as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Tim Burton was able to take a classic children's story and add his own dark, slightly twisted, touch to it without overdoing it and making it too scary for children. Obviously, this story already had a creepy side to it, so it was a natural choice for Burton's under-taking. This movie references the old story/movie and uses it as a prequel to this one. Alice is led back to Wonderland where the Red Queen (or Queen of Hearts-played by Helena Bonham Carter) has taken over the entire land. Though all the creatures there remain loyal in their hearts to her sister the White Queen (Anne Hathaway), they live in fear of the Red Queen and her "champion" the Jabberwock. As always, Johnny Depp gave a phenomenal performance as the Mad Hatter. I swear, how does this guy not have a shelf full of Academy Awards? Edward Scissorhands, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Pi-rates of the Caribbean, Finding Neverland, Sweeney Todd, and now Alice in Wonderland: all were oscar-worthy performances. Any-way, that's beside the point. Bril-liant acting, brilliant directing, and brilliant writing come together to form this brilliant addition to the already brilliant story by Lewis Carroll. You must all absolutely go and see this film. It has earned an A from this very satisfied movie viewer.

Alice in Wonderland in 3D

2:05 4:55 7:55 11:00pm

Brooklyn's Finest 1:50 4:50 7:50 10:50pm

Cop Out

1:10 4:10 7:10 10:10pm

Green Zone 1:15 4:15 7:15 10:15pm

Our Family Wedding

1:45 4:30 7:30 10:30pm

Percy Jackson & the Olym-pians: The Lightning Thief

1:20 4:20 7:20 10:20pm

Remember Me 1:00 4:00 7:00 10:00pm

She's Out of My League 2:00 4:45 7:45 10:45pm

Movie Times