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TOE TAG CITY:
a baroque farce
Scene i BioWar
Four professionals with suit jackets draped over their chairs along with their ties, crisp white
shirts unbuttoned to the tune of one at the top, sleeves rolled with folded precision above their
elbows. They share a large pitcher of beer. The ambiance is of a pleasant, slightly hot beer
garden (they mop their faces from time to time with napkins).
DRINKER 1
To sum up: It’s completely foolproof if correctly used, and we’re talking tallies in the hundreds
of thousands in regions of medium population density. Highly concentrated city targets, the total
instantly rockets into the millions.
DRINKER 2
Wind dispersion makes the result iffy in battle situations we’ve found.
DRINKER 3
That’s the beauty of targeting cities and city regions. At worst the casualties are distributed to the
east, say or north north west. Plenty of targets in every direction in a well-populated city.
DRINKER 1
And that’s only initial dispersion. Don’t forget this is a bacterial agent not some kind of gas.
DRINKER 3
Those are inefficient simply because of the size of the delivery systems which is just as
cumbersome as conventional bombing. But a bacterial agent breeds and infects in every direction
even if at differing rates in this or that neighbourhood initially.
DRINKER 4
You’ll find there’s still a lot of sentimental support for conventional bombing. So many years
invested in refining the delivery of deadly payloads from a distant point of safety.
DRINKER 2
Death from above.
DRINKER 4
Precisely. Nevertheless I like your forward thinking approach. Think only of the saving of
precious art and architectural artifacts—some of our targets were focal points of civilization in
their own right long ago, better not reduce every trace of that to rubble if we can help it.
DRINKER 2
How do we—playing the Devil’s Advocate here—contain an active biological agent once
dispersed? Surely it could multiply and spread once released, from city to city (Drinker 1 and 2
languidly nod) even crossing borders to infect friendly as well as hostile nations. Theoretically, if
unchecked it could spread to the free world and indeed the whole world, too rapidly to be
checked.
DRINKER 1
That’s the especial beauty of this agent.
DRINKER 3
The antidote is devised. Ready to be dispersed by teams of physicians under the guidance of
military personnel the moment hostilities cease.
DRINKER 2
Which would be an early moment I’m estimating.
DRINKER 1
Hours. Days at the most before the antidote’s fully administered and a grateful population
accepts the yoke of occupation.
DRINKER 4
The extremely interim yoke. Naturally we’d be there only to set up the template of self-
administered democracy in perpetuity. It couldn’t fail in this case because the resistance of the
populace would be overridden completely by initial horror and sudden gratitude at elimination of
the horror.
DRINKER 3
We’re 95% certain it would unfold exactly like that.
DRINKER 2 /4
Perhaps a less than optimum percentage?
DRINKER 1
We know the antidote functions. We think it can be administered rapidly enough to completely
contain further outbreaks.
DRINKER 3
The only trouble is it’s not a thing we can test except in actual battle conditions.
DRINKER 2
That may not even be necessary. The real beauty is that if the true horror of the weapon were
once understood, resistance would at once be acknowledged to be futile. Hostile populaces
would fall obediently into line.
DRINKER 4
As they always have in the past.
DRINKER 2
They may be fanatics but they aren’t completely insane.
DRINKER 1
Some are, some aren’t—even then it’s a more or less thing.
DRINKER 3
It’s our feeling cooler heads would prevail. Possibly with a few judicious beheadings of hotter
heads.
DRINKER 4
It seems evident if resistance were mounted, it would in every case prove futile. I think we’ve
found the ideal tool for the infallible institution of a kinder, gentler world order.
DRINKER 2
Would the payloads be delivered from the air?
DRINKER 1
Seems likely. It would be suicide to deliver one of these babies in person to a targeted city.
DRINKER 2(aside)
How casually they assume this weapon must remain in the hands of one side only.
DRINKER 4
Show our colleague in accounting the size of the canister we’re talking about.
DRINKER 1
Sir? Is that really appropriate?
DRINKER 3
I was wonder why he asked us to bring this along.
DRINKER 4
I think it frames most eloquently the true work of miniaturization you’ve accomplished here.
Drinker 1
If you insist sir. It’s nanoization really.
DRINKER 3
Or microization.
DRINKER 1
Yes, as my colleague prefers to call it. We’re taking bets as to which name will stick.
DRINKER 3
Miniaturization in any case is a gross understatement of the compression involved.
A canister about the size of an old-fashioned oil lamp is set on the table.
DRINKER 2(wiping brow)
Sure is hot out here. I blame climate change even if we don’t officially believe in it.
Incidentally . . . satisfy my curiosity
Exchanges a significant look with Drinker 4.
DRINKER 4
You’re not thinking what I’m thinking are you? (Drinker 2 nods.) This is an empty canister isn’t
it?
DRINKER 2
Purely for show—to indicate the size of the container we’d be deploying?
Drinker 1 and 3 exchange puzzled glances.
DRINKER 1
Possibly we misconstrued our superior’s order?
DRINKER 3
It wasn’t your intention we bring along one of the actual canisters?
BLACKOUT
Scene ii What’s in It for Us?
Three thieves (gender unspecified—leave this to the genius of casting, they may be all of one or
any workable mixture of both) grunt and strain awkwardly lugging a mid-sized safe from Wings
Right. Down Stage Centre they set it down—carefully; nobody wants fingers, toes or even a
whole hand or foot pinned underneath. It would be crushing. The back of the safe is to the
audience. Thief one, a safecracker, squats in front of its face and begins, invisible to view,
manipulating a dial to learn by trial and error the combination.
THIEF 2
From the weight of that it must be chock full but I wonder of what? I wish we had more specifics
going in.
THIEF 1(working dial)
Most of the weight’s the safe itself. Built to withstand a dynamite explosion or we’d be inside
this puppy already.
THIEF 3
That’d make it heavy enough. Trays of precious stones would weigh it down more though.
THIEF 2
Not as much as stacks, piled from floor to brim, of high denomination bills.
THIEF 3
High denomination bills don’t weigh any more than low denomination bills.
THIEF 2
Well I don’t know about you but I didn’t lug it all the way here just to divvy up stacks of fives or
even tens. Why don’t we know what’s in this safe again exactly?
THIEF 3
I wouldn’t say no to my share of a stack of fives and tens if that’s what comes out of there.
THIEF 2
None of us would. That’s not the point. We’re looking for a payoff not chump change.
THIEF 1
Any of us could carry every bill you could fit in here in a sack you could sling over your
shoulder and transport anywhere you like without risking a hernia or even back pain. The safe is
the main weight.
THIEF 2
I still say fifties or better is the kind of haul worth all the effort and fuss. How are you coming
with the combination?
THIEF 1
Fairly sure I’ve got two of the numbers, but whether there is one or two more to get I won’t
know until it magically springs open!
Leans forward to gape at safe.
Or not. That’s three so it must be four numbers. I’ll get it, patience all.
THIEF 3
What if it’s a five number combination?
THIEF 1
Major anal retentives think that way, and they’re not all that common in the little world of safe
combination devisants. As it is the fourth number’s always the ha---rdest
Springing noise. Draws back hands which are encased in cuffs, rubber over steel. Thief 2
searches pockets or bag for a file.
Take your time why don’t you? It’s not as if the cuffs are so tight they might cut off circulation
at the wrists!
Thief 2 begins filing.
THIEF 3
Wouldn’t it be a hell of a note after all this and the cuff spring trap too, if when we finally get it
open there’s nothing in the safe? Can we tell before we actually open it?
THIEF 1(hands now free)
With x-ray eyes, sure, you got any of those on you? By the weight, no. By how closely guarded
it is—even after we get it back to the hideout as you can see—we know there’s something in it of
value, importance or both.
Flexes fingers, shakes wrists.
Those cuffs hurt like a son of a bitch.
THIEF 2
What if it has importance but no value? Are we screwed then or what?
THIEF 1
If it’s important somebody will pay a lot to get it back.
THIEF 3
Or arrange to have us killed and save themselves the expense.
THIEF 2
What kind of talk is that, you want to jinx us? I signed up for a payday—stack of bills, rows and
rows of diamonds, sapphires, rubies and emeralds who knows what all? I didn’t sign up for a toe
tag at the morgue.
THIEF 3
I could live with a broken arm for a while, if the payout’s rich rich rich!
THIEF 1
We hide the papers with the promise they’ll be released with all their compromising secrets if
any harm comes to us—unless you want them to break your arm to show willing—they don’t
dare carry out execution even if they don’t completely believe us. And should they? Don’t you
read any crime fiction at all? Anyway I think this’ll be stuff we take to a reliable fence won’t rob
us too much, or double check for marks to identify the bills before laundering in the Caymans.
THIEF 2
Why the Caymans? I know a good place with first class washers and dryers just up the street
from where I live.
THIEF 3
Laundering money you. Nit. Wit.
THIEF 2(thinking a moment)
Yeah, you’re right. I don’t know any place in my block that launders money, so I guess it’s the
Caymans then if that’s what you think best.
THIEF 3
Switzerland’s an option. There are others. I say we shop around for the most competitive rates of
return on investment in a nicely cached account.
THIEF 1
Matters to be talked over if, scratch that when I get this last number. It feels as if it’ll come any
second. Hope this squat wrought-iron little box has no more surprises.
THIEF 3
Like what? Bring it on I say, payday we’re looking forward to you kidding?
THIEF 1
If it explodes I’ll get the brunt of course, but do you think you can run fast enough to get out of
the way in time? Damn! where are you, final number?
THIEF 2
It’s not going to explode.
THIEF 3
It’s not going to explode!
THIEF 2/ 3
IT’S NOT GOING TO EXPLODE!
THIEF 1
Not too likely. Us they wouldn’t care about one way or the other, but would they want to risk
damaging whatever’s inside?
THIEF 2
Maybe we should wait in another room?
THIEF 3
You trust this one not to run out with the loot?
THIEF 2
If we’re guarding every available exit I do.
THIEF 3
The two of you could run out on whoever was covering the other exit, which I guess would be
me.
THIEF 2
Or me if it was you two run out. Say! What are you trying to pull?
THIEF 1
Ye-----es, ye----es YES! Forget who’s running out on who, we’re all right here and I just solved
the combination. Voila!
THIEF 1/ 2/3
Well will you look at that?
BLACKOUT
Scene iii
Hospital bed with Patient and three Visitors.
PATIENT(formerly Drinker2)
How long was I out?
VISITOR 1(formerly drinker 1)
No more than 26 hours.
VISITOR 2(formerly drinker 3)
Twenty five more like. I’m beginning to wonder, and I know my research partner is too (Visitor
1 nods)
VISITOR 3(formerly drinker 4)
Why any of us is still alive?
VISITOR 1
Not so much alive as free of attendant symptoms
VISITOR 2
Dry mouth, crackling skin
VISITOR 1
Pain in every joint and every organ, especially kidneys
VISITOR 2
Pain when urinating and even worse holding it in
VISITOR 1
Blood in the stool
VISITOR 2
More blood than stool
VISITOR 1
Erratically localized paralysis with no loss of pain in paralyzed members.
VISITOR 2
To mention a few.
VISITOR 1
Then it gets worse.
VISITOR 3(whistles)
We were really planning to hit the enemies of freedom where it hurts, weren’t we?
PATIENT
And yet I seem to be the only one suffering any damage. What happened?
VISITOR 3
Oh, we all hit you.
VISITOR 2
Several times, each in turn.
VISITOR 1
Then all of us together.
PATIENT
Why?
VISITOR 1
Well you made a sudden movement when you heard about the canister didn’t you?
VISITOR 3
Probably a panic reaction, maybe influenced by alcohol ingestion, which is why you don’t take
canisters full of a volatile biological agent into an informal progress briefing in a beer garden. I
thought you two understood that.
PATIENT
And yet you didn’t punch either of them out, sending them into a coma.
VISITOR 3
A very brief one. Barely an unconscious spell.
PATIENT
You could hit them all you want, they’d have no right of reply, you’re higher up in the chain of
command. Plus you’re a woman.
VISITOR 3
Believe me the thought occurred to me, but once we’d worked out our anger on you I was calm,
exhausted even the way you get after Pilates.
VISITOR 2
Anyway it wasn’t one of us who shot out a sudden elbow and knoced the container to the floor
where it shattered.
VISITOR 1
Panic at approaching mortality overcame us.
VISITOR 2
Punch punch punch.
VISITOR 3
Punch punch punch is right.
VISITOR 2
You mostly used your purse.
VISITOR 3
So did you.
PATIENT
But if that’s the case, why aren’t any of us suffering those horrible symptoms? Hours to onset is
what I understood from your presentation. I seem to be the only casualty. Still have no clear
memory of this so-called lunge with the elbow. Reflex probably.
VISITOR 3
You’ll be fully covered by sick days that won’t even be deducted. What I don’t understand is
why we’d be transporting an agent that deadly in anything less secure than steel or even titanium.
VISITOR 2
Apparently we weren’t transporting anything like it, whatever the container and I’m still a little
puzzled about that.
VISITOR 1
Where is the canister we thought we were bringing here? Well secured in at least a heavy duty
safe I hope.
Scene iv We Stand to Make a Killing
Spot up on three thieves at a table in the centre of which is a glass canister about the size of an
old-fashioned oil lamp. They exchange puzzled glances with a hint of desperation.
THIEF 3
So tell me all you geniuses—is this something worth all the trouble we went to? Is this going to
get us killed?
THIEF 1
Why should it get us killed? All we have to do is figure out the appropriate contact for the
ransom demand.
PATIENT
Has my wife been in to see me? Asked about me?
Visitors exchange awkward glances.
3RD VISITOR(into phone)
Calm down and run through this again. Ralph! Nobody’s blaming you (hand over receiver)
much. I’m sure you weren’t responsible (hand over receiver) solely. Just run through this
again . . . three suspects removed a safe from a normally secured area because of a contract work
team’s carelessness locking up after. Can we be certain they weren’t in on the breach? Well let
me know what enhanced interrogation turns up on that score and now once again: slowly: what
was in the safe? That’s what I thought you said. Yes, I do think I know, we’d simply better hope
our thieves don’t. Cart before the horse alert, let’s get busy and shut things down on these thieves
before it falls into the wrong hands. Keep me apprised and make sure nothing else has been left
unlocked or unlatched on your watch. (Snaps shut phone.) A canister. About the size of an old
fashioned oil lamp. Nobody in his department seems to know what it was or what it was for
thank God for small mercies. However we know, don’t we?
1ST VISITOR
Well at least we know it was in a safe place.
