Using Using Growing Balls: Personal Growing Balls: Personal Power for Young MenPower for Young Men – the – the

book and the group curriculum book and the group curriculum ––

in rehab, therapy and as a tool in rehab, therapy and as a tool for mentoring for mentoring

Professional Bio of Your Intrepid Professional Bio of Your Intrepid Presenter for the day: Presenter for the day: David Hafter, MFT -- David Hafter, MFT --

Author of the charmingly titled primer: Author of the charmingly titled primer:

Growing Balls: Personal Power for Young MenGrowing Balls: Personal Power for Young Men

Licensed MFT for 20 yrs; Licensed MFT for 20 yrs; BBS Subject Matter Expert for 15 yrs; Orals Examiner for 4 BBS Subject Matter Expert for 15 yrs; Orals Examiner for 4

yearsyearsPrivate Practice; Residential Tx (for both wealthiest and most Private Practice; Residential Tx (for both wealthiest and most impoverished kids in America); In-Home/community based impoverished kids in America); In-Home/community based

services, including WRAPAROUNDservices, including WRAPAROUNDAreas of expertise: Areas of expertise:

Individual and Couple’s Therapy (including fertility issues) , Individual and Couple’s Therapy (including fertility issues) , Family Therapy, Men’s issues, Substance Abuse TreatmentFamily Therapy, Men’s issues, Substance Abuse Treatment

Why write Growing Balls?Why write Growing Balls?

• After 20 plus years of providing After 20 plus years of providing treatment for young men as an MFT treatment for young men as an MFT (and often far too late), GB is my (and often far too late), GB is my attempt at attempt at preventionprevention..

• Most young men are more in need of Most young men are more in need of mentoring than therapy.mentoring than therapy.

• As a therapist, I don’t get to tell As a therapist, I don’t get to tell clients what to do and what not to clients what to do and what not to do; as a writer, I can (and do).do; as a writer, I can (and do).

Why else?Why else?

• Frustrating issues that drove me to write:Frustrating issues that drove me to write:– Kids having kidsKids having kids– Fatherless/mentor-less boys making bad choices Fatherless/mentor-less boys making bad choices

for them and expensive ones for the rest usfor them and expensive ones for the rest us– Poor state of marriages and familiesPoor state of marriages and families– Domestic Violence (empty man syndrome) Domestic Violence (empty man syndrome) – Drug/alcohol problemsDrug/alcohol problems– Lack of societal emphasis on mentoring, skill Lack of societal emphasis on mentoring, skill

building and developing Rites of Passagebuilding and developing Rites of Passage

Current approaches to these issues are not working.Current approaches to these issues are not working.

Issues our kids are facing Issues our kids are facing growing up today:growing up today:

• The need to belongThe need to belong• Child to adult transition issuesChild to adult transition issues• Individuation Individuation • Peer PressurePeer Pressure• Sexual issuesSexual issues• Drug/Alcohol issuesDrug/Alcohol issues• GangsGangs• Both parents working/supervision issuesBoth parents working/supervision issues• Bizarre “MTV” role models and values Bizarre “MTV” role models and values

Group Exercise – Group Exercise – Think back to your teen years. Think back to your teen years.

Remember a time when you:Remember a time when you:Struggled with family issuesStruggled with family issuesStruggled with sexuality issuesStruggled with sexuality issuesStruggled with peer pressure Struggled with peer pressure Struggled with drug alcohol decisionsStruggled with drug alcohol decisionsStruggled with relationship problemsStruggled with relationship problemsStruggled with a poor self imageStruggled with a poor self imageJust plain struggled?Just plain struggled?

With all that going on…With all that going on…

Who was there for you?Who was there for you?

Besides therapy, our kids Besides therapy, our kids need healthy mentoring.need healthy mentoring.

GB is 175 pages of GB is 175 pages of mentoringmentoring

• Author’s voice is Author’s voice is toto young men, not young men, not about them. However, about them. However,

• the book was written with single the book was written with single mothers raising sons alone in mind, mothers raising sons alone in mind,

• And for the girlfriends/wives who And for the girlfriends/wives who want to understand the young men want to understand the young men in their lives.in their lives.

The title may make some of you The title may make some of you cringe, but the guys cringe, but the guys lovelove it… it…

In our business, everyone pretty much agrees In our business, everyone pretty much agrees that the most important change element is the that the most important change element is the relationship between clinician and relationship between clinician and clientclient.. The title, chapter headings and The title, chapter headings and sometimes coarse language help establish the sometimes coarse language help establish the relationship.relationship.

We are attempting to connect with Young Men We are attempting to connect with Young Men through a medium few (if any) of them use – through a medium few (if any) of them use – Pop psych/self-help books.Pop psych/self-help books.

The “Balls” MetaphorThe “Balls” Metaphor

Popular lexicon for using balls is nerve or Popular lexicon for using balls is nerve or chutzpah chutzpah as as in doing or saying something crazy or outrageous…in doing or saying something crazy or outrageous…

Growing BallsGrowing Balls uses the term uses the term ballsballs for having for having courage and integrity.courage and integrity.

What kind of role modeling would it be for me to make What kind of role modeling would it be for me to make nice with the title (to make adults feel better) so I can nice with the title (to make adults feel better) so I can sell more books? sell more books?

How many other self help books are written How many other self help books are written to andto and forfor young men?young men?

Essentially, we don’t Essentially, we don’t have the time to worry have the time to worry about making people about making people

feel comfortable, feel comfortable, making nice and being making nice and being

Politically Correct.Politically Correct.

So, where do we begin?So, where do we begin?

GB begins with an assertion: GB begins with an assertion:

““If you are twenty-five or under, you If you are twenty-five or under, you have no business even have no business even thinkingthinking about about getting married or becoming a father.” getting married or becoming a father.”

This sets the stage for discussing This sets the stage for discussing maturity, moral development and maturity, moral development and intelligent decision making.intelligent decision making.

The Crash CourseThe Crash Course

• Ten pages summarizing the rest of Ten pages summarizing the rest of the book, focusing on relationships the book, focusing on relationships with girls/women, the place where with girls/women, the place where most guys are focused. most guys are focused.

• If the guy likes the first ten pages, he If the guy likes the first ten pages, he will read the rest of the book; or his will read the rest of the book; or his girlfriend will…girlfriend will…

Topics covered in GB include Topics covered in GB include chapters on:chapters on:

• The courage to find your valuesThe courage to find your values• Conscious compromising in relationshipsConscious compromising in relationships• Relationships with women Relationships with women

– Why women love jerks – Finally, an answer!Why women love jerks – Finally, an answer!– Being “In Love”Being “In Love”– The Intimacy QuestionThe Intimacy Question– Worthwhile WomenWorthwhile Women

• SexualitySexuality• Getting Loaded (getting high is a natural desire)Getting Loaded (getting high is a natural desire)• Maturity (immaturity is not a cause for shame) Maturity (immaturity is not a cause for shame) • Friendship (being willing to tell your friend the truth) Friendship (being willing to tell your friend the truth) • Fun Tests: Knowing that you are ready to Fun Tests: Knowing that you are ready to

– Be a husbandBe a husband– Be a fatherBe a father

Initial concerns and reservations… Initial concerns and reservations…

In therapy, this is not the best In therapy, this is not the best approach for approach for allall clients… clients…

• Squeamishness (the clinician’s Squeamishness (the clinician’s oror the the family’s)family’s)

• Political Correctness Political Correctness

• Religious concerns Religious concerns – Topics include positive takes on masturbation & Topics include positive takes on masturbation &

birth controlbirth control– Bottom line: you don’t have to endorse everything Bottom line: you don’t have to endorse everything

in GB to use it. What is important is for the topics in GB to use it. What is important is for the topics to be discussed…to be discussed…

Using GB with teens in Using GB with teens in therapytherapy• First of all, determine need and First of all, determine need and

usefulness given the client’s issues.usefulness given the client’s issues.– If s/he is dealing with GB issues (think If s/he is dealing with GB issues (think

back to our exercise) and can make use back to our exercise) and can make use of the material, explain to the client’s of the material, explain to the client’s parents/caregivers the GB approach, the parents/caregivers the GB approach, the meaning of the balls metaphor and if meaning of the balls metaphor and if their heads do not explode, get their their heads do not explode, get their permission to use the book in therapy.permission to use the book in therapy.

Or, if that won’t work, use only Or, if that won’t work, use only the Personal Power for Young the Personal Power for Young

Men group curriculumMen group curriculum..

• The group material is easily modified The group material is easily modified for individual work and can be billed for individual work and can be billed as therapy or rehab and as therapy or rehab and encapsulates most of the values encapsulates most of the values areas of the book.areas of the book.

One Chapter a WeekOne Chapter a Week

• In 1 to 1 counseling:In 1 to 1 counseling:– acknowledge that the book is “aimed at guys a acknowledge that the book is “aimed at guys a

little older than you are” but you think they are little older than you are” but you think they are ready to tackle the topics. ready to tackle the topics.

• Focus on discussion of the content issues, Focus on discussion of the content issues, not adherence to writer’s opinion. not adherence to writer’s opinion.

• Search out and encourage linkage to other Search out and encourage linkage to other sources of healthy mentoring sources of healthy mentoring

•

In Family CounselingIn Family Counseling

• GB is at its best in starting conversations on GB is at its best in starting conversations on sometimes difficult and uncomfortable topics.sometimes difficult and uncomfortable topics.– Agree or disagree with the ideas or premises – just Agree or disagree with the ideas or premises – just

talk about themtalk about them with kids. with kids.– Some parents discuss the book, chapter by Some parents discuss the book, chapter by

chapter, with their teens (boys and girls).chapter, with their teens (boys and girls).

You can facilitate discussions between kids You can facilitate discussions between kids and parents/caregivers on GB topics, with you and parents/caregivers on GB topics, with you focusing your attention on their process.focusing your attention on their process.

Or, as the perfect stocking Or, as the perfect stocking stuffer…stuffer…

• I’m only partially kidding and not just to I’m only partially kidding and not just to sell books.sell books.– GB gives parents (or others caring for/ GB gives parents (or others caring for/

mentoring young men) a format for mentoring young men) a format for addressing sensitive topics. It breaks the ice addressing sensitive topics. It breaks the ice and opens doors for important discussionsand opens doors for important discussions

– A copy tossed into a young man’s room, A copy tossed into a young man’s room, without explanation, can achieve good without explanation, can achieve good results.results.

Personal Power for Young Personal Power for Young MenMen A (free) group counseling A (free) group counseling

curriculumcurriculum• A flexible curriculum designed for a 9 A flexible curriculum designed for a 9

week groupweek group

• Can be run by professionals or non-Can be run by professionals or non-professionalsprofessionals

• Can be used in a variety of settingsCan be used in a variety of settings

• Can be modified for boys 13 and up.Can be modified for boys 13 and up.

Skipping potential dramaSkipping potential drama

Using the subtitle of the book for the group Using the subtitle of the book for the group name – name – Personal Power for Young MenPersonal Power for Young Men - - gives the material wider access to traditional gives the material wider access to traditional settings where the GB moniker might make settings where the GB moniker might make waves.waves.

PPYM groups are being done in schools, at PPYM groups are being done in schools, at Transitional Aged Youth (TAY) programs. Transitional Aged Youth (TAY) programs. Outpatient clinics and residential treatment Outpatient clinics and residential treatment programs.programs.

Focusing on the FutureFocusing on the Future

• The group curriculum is set up to The group curriculum is set up to help guys form a picture their help guys form a picture their desired future and then help them desired future and then help them see what it will take to get there.see what it will take to get there.

• PPYM helps them to develop their PPYM helps them to develop their Personal Power, which is their ability Personal Power, which is their ability to live their lives according to their to live their lives according to their values and desires.values and desires.

The Personal Power for Young Men GroupThe Personal Power for Young Men Group

• PPYM Group is designed to help PPYM Group is designed to help young men to indentify what gives or young men to indentify what gives or takes away from their personal takes away from their personal power.power.

• Personal Power is defined as a man’s Personal Power is defined as a man’s ability to live life the way he wants to ability to live life the way he wants to live it with underlying values of being live it with underlying values of being safe, healthy and out of troublesafe, healthy and out of trouble..

The Group ProcessThe Group Process

• Go through normal rules of group process, Go through normal rules of group process, including limits of and expectations of including limits of and expectations of confidentiality (illustrate with the use of confidentiality (illustrate with the use of practical examples), no put downs and practical examples), no put downs and expectations that everybody participate.expectations that everybody participate.

• ““We’re just guys here.” (Or, with a female We’re just guys here.” (Or, with a female facilitator, “You can be just guys here.”facilitator, “You can be just guys here.”– In other words, swearing is okay and honesty is In other words, swearing is okay and honesty is

encouraged.encouraged.

Week 1Week 1

Personal Power Comes To You WhenPersonal Power Comes To You When::

• You come to know and like yourselfYou come to know and like yourself

• You live by your own set of valuesYou live by your own set of values

• You exercise self-discipline and accountabilityYou exercise self-discipline and accountability

• You take care of your mind and bodyYou take care of your mind and body

• You show patience with yourself and othersYou show patience with yourself and others

• You listen to others with more experience than You listen to others with more experience than you haveyou have

• You take (reasonable) chances and risk making You take (reasonable) chances and risk making mistakesmistakes

• You appreciate your life and respect the lives of You appreciate your life and respect the lives of othersothers

• You forget your own values as a personYou forget your own values as a person

• You act against your own set of valuesYou act against your own set of values

• You act out weaknessYou act out weakness

• You act impulsivelyYou act impulsively

• You abuse substances that affect your mind and You abuse substances that affect your mind and bodybody

• You ignore people who try to help or teach youYou ignore people who try to help or teach you

• You shrink away from new challengesYou shrink away from new challenges

• You risk your life or the lives of others with your You risk your life or the lives of others with your actionsactions

The Lightning RoundThe Lightning Round

• Each guy makes his list of answers Each guy makes his list of answers on the board.on the board.– Then, take turns going through each list.Then, take turns going through each list.– Have each group member ask a quick Have each group member ask a quick

question of the boy who wrote the list. question of the boy who wrote the list. The question should be related to The question should be related to answers given on the list.answers given on the list.•This increases group interaction and helps This increases group interaction and helps

the guys to get to know one another better.the guys to get to know one another better.

The Right ChoicesThe Right Choices

The Wrong ChoicesThe Wrong Choices

Week 4Week 4

Personal Power Comes To You Personal Power Comes To You When:When:• You come to know and like yourselfYou come to know and like yourself

• You live by your own set of valuesYou live by your own set of values

• You exercise self-discipline and You exercise self-discipline and accountabilityaccountability

• You take care of your mind and bodyYou take care of your mind and body

• You show patience with yourself and othersYou show patience with yourself and others

• You listen to others with more experience You listen to others with more experience than you havethan you have

• You take (reasonable) chances and risk You take (reasonable) chances and risk making mistakesmaking mistakes

• You appreciate your life and respect the You appreciate your life and respect the lives of otherslives of others

Exercising Self-DisciplineExercising Self-Discipline

• What does the phrase “self-discipline” mean to you?What does the phrase “self-discipline” mean to you?• What does it mean to be accountable for you actions?What does it mean to be accountable for you actions?

• Tell the group one instance in which you exercised self-Tell the group one instance in which you exercised self-discipline.discipline.– How did it make you feel? What could have gotten in the How did it make you feel? What could have gotten in the

way of you exercising self-discipline?way of you exercising self-discipline?

• Accountability means taking responsibility for your Accountability means taking responsibility for your contributions to your problems.contributions to your problems.– Tell of a time when you got into trouble for something you Tell of a time when you got into trouble for something you

did. What was your fault and what was not?did. What was your fault and what was not?

• How do you develop self-discipline?How do you develop self-discipline?

If you want to do the job right, you have to provide for your family.If you want to do the job right, you have to provide for your family.

1) Make a list of every cost you can think of associated with having a baby, from the 1) Make a list of every cost you can think of associated with having a baby, from the hospital on… Guess at dollar amounts and duration of expenses.hospital on… Guess at dollar amounts and duration of expenses.

2) List every change of lifestyle you would experience:2) List every change of lifestyle you would experience:a. a. How you use your free timeHow you use your free time

b. What you do for funb. What you do for fun

c. How you spend your what’s left ofc. How you spend your what’s left of your moneyyour money

Activity: What does it Activity: What does it costcost

to be a good father?to be a good father?

And just know that…And just know that…

Any experienced mother would laugh Any experienced mother would laugh her head off at our lists because of her head off at our lists because of all the stuff we forgot to mention all the stuff we forgot to mention regarding our money and time regarding our money and time commitments…commitments…

Final QuestionFinal Question

• What does exercising self-discipline What does exercising self-discipline have to do with Personal Power?have to do with Personal Power?

Fidelity to Concepts; Fidelity to Concepts; Flexibility in DeliveryFlexibility in Delivery

• The curriculum is designed for each The curriculum is designed for each group to have:group to have:– A specific topicA specific topic– Questions that prompt discussionsQuestions that prompt discussions– An activityAn activity

Know that you are free to use your own Know that you are free to use your own questions or make up your own questions or make up your own activities.activities.

The Curriculum is FreeThe Curriculum is Free

• Go to Go to www.growingballs.comwww.growingballs.com (what else?) (what else?)

• There, you can read snippets from each There, you can read snippets from each chapter of the book, order copies and best chapter of the book, order copies and best of all:of all:

• Download the curriculum! There are Download the curriculum! There are instructions for the facilitator, a certificate instructions for the facilitator, a certificate of completion and power-points you can of completion and power-points you can use (though not necessary) use (though not necessary)

All I ask…All I ask…

• Is that you use the free pre and post Is that you use the free pre and post test also on the website and that you test also on the website and that you send me the results so I can see how send me the results so I can see how it is workingit is working

Questions on using the GB Questions on using the GB book or PPYM group book or PPYM group

material?material?• Thank-you for your timeThank-you for your time• Thank-you for being open-mindedThank-you for being open-minded• Thank-you for not throwing anything at me…Thank-you for not throwing anything at me…• Please fill out your Presentation Evaluation Please fill out your Presentation Evaluation

formsforms

• Remember to visit Remember to visit www.growingballs.comwww.growingballs.com and check out the Growing Balls song on and check out the Growing Balls song on Youtube. (type in Growing Balls or my name Youtube. (type in Growing Balls or my name in the Youtube search engine)in the Youtube search engine)