Unlock’d

Book and Lyrics by Sam Carner Music by Derek Gregor

Based on The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope

Sam Carner Derek Gregor 241 W. 109th St., apt 2C 442 W. 57th St., Apt. 11B New York, NY 10025 New York, NY 10019 646-422-9287 917-848-6308

carnerandgregor@gmail.com

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Time: A long time ago-ish (Early 18th Century). From dawn to dawn over a single day.

Place: somewhere across the pond-ish, at and nearby Hampton Court

Cast

Roderick Shearing (The Baron A young gentleman, elder brother of Edwin. A war Windsorloch) hero, filled with bravado, but inexperienced with girls. Edwin Shearing A young gentleman, younger brother of the Baron.

Bookish, sharp-witted, happier to comment on what he sees than to engage in it.

Belinda Fermor [pron. “fair more”] A young woman, step-sister of Clarissa. Beautiful, vain but

sweet-tempered, vacuous, and extremely sheltered, adored by every man who sees her.

Clarissa Evers A young woman, step-sister of Belinda. Clever, acerbic at

times, attractive in her own right, but always in Belinda’s shadow and bitter about it.

Avia Leader of the sylphs, no-nonsense, a prim Amazonian. Ariella } sylphs (air spirits) Youngest of the sylphs; pretty, squeamish, wilting. Esther An innocent, but sexually-frustrated sylph. Umbriel Gnomes’ leader, mischievous, enjoys taunting sylphs. Barney } gnomes (earth spirits) A Love-besotted gnome. Caleb Smartest of the gnomes; frightened of the sylphs. Gertrude played by the actress playing Avia Madeline } maidens of court played by the actress playing Ariella Katherine played by the actress playing Esther Lord Littlewit played by the actor playing Caleb Inconstantine } gentlemen of court played by the actor playing Barney Sir Flittybud played by the actor playing Umbriel The Ringlettes Belinda’s locks of hair, played by the actresses playing

sylphs or the serving maid Beatrice Belinda’s favorite lock of hair, played by the actress playing

Ariella (or the actor playing Barney). She has a baby-like speech impediment.

Zeus a deus ex machina Gardener A young man

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This piece involves two simultaneous worlds, the human world and the world of the spirits. The gnomes and sylphs are tiny and invisible to the humans, so the creative team is invited to play with scale and illusion to allow these two realms to exist simultaneously on stage. Please take whimsical liberties! In the original poem, for instance, one of the sylphs is cut in half by a pair of scissors during the climactic moment at the end of Act I (and, being made of air, rejoins again). We have not included this explicitly in the script, as it is not strictly necessary to the story-telling, but it is the kind of moment we would welcome. We have only included limited cues as far as staging and illusion are concerned, as we do not want to hamper your own creativity in bringing these worlds to life.

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ACT I, SCENE 1 The moor of the Windsorloch estate. Just before dawn. (SYLPHS float in) ARIELLA Avia, isn’t it lovely to be a fairy? AVIA It is lovely, Ariella. (to the audience) We are sylphs; dainty, transparent spirits of the air. ARIELLA (Proudly) We were once maiden, transfigured into fairies because we had never been touched by any man. ESTHER (with a tinge of frustration) … Never been touched by any man. AVIA We draw our very strength from the flowing hair of ladies. For hair is the bridge between the physical world and the world of spirits. ARIELLA Material spun into atmosphere. AVIA And the finest hair in all the land, that which gives us our greatest power belongs to Miss Belinda Fermor. ARIELLA The most beautiful maiden in the land. ESTHER With many suitors. AVIA Dearly would they love to claim a lock of her hair and with it her hand in marriage. But fortunately, the more suitors she has, the less she pays attention to any. ARIELLA And so may our strength remain, and so may she join us one day, the loveliest sylph of all. (EDWIN enters, calling out. EDWIN carries a lantern and a book.) (Hearing EDWIN, the SYLPHS float up to watch.) EDWIN (calling out) Roderick!... Brother! Come inside, this damp can’t be good for my book…. Baron Windsorloch! Where are you?

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(EDWIN wanders off, searching)

(The BARON WINDSORLOCH enters, lost in a romantic haze. The lower half of his body is soaked from dew.)

While Belinda Sleeps

BARON WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS, I ROAM THE FIELDS, AWAKE, SIGHING, SHAKING, RESTLESSLY ACHING FOR THE DAY TO BREAK. I’LL SEE HER TODAY, AND THE HEART WITHIN ME LEAPS. SHE’S MY FATE, IT’S SO HARD TO WAIT, WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. IN THE CUSTOM OF OUR DAY, WHEN A MAN AND WOMAN PAIR, TO SEAL THEIR UNION ONCE AND FOR ALL, SHE GIVES A LOCK OF HAIR. AND SO MY QUEST IS CLEAR, NOW, AS DAWN SLOWLY CREEPS, I PREPARE MY PRAYER FOR A LOCK OF HER HAIR WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. (EDWIN enters and sees BARON) EDWIN Brother. What has happened to you? You return from the battlefield one week ago, you spot this girl the next day, and you’ve been walking the meadow ever since. BARON Doesn’t the sunrise fill your soul with an indescribable hope? EDWIN Doesn’t the dew fill your boots with an undesirable dampness? They must be half-full. BARON I would have said they’re half-empty, for today I’m an optimist. EDWIN All I want is to catch up, resume our reading at the Hampton Court library.

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BARON But brother, Hampton Court is where I’ll see Belinda. EDWIN Belinda again. BARON NO MORE IRON FIST. I NEED THE VELVET GLOVE. WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS, I RESOLVE: TODAY I CONQUER LOVE. That’s it! WITH COUNTLESS QUESTS AND BATTLES I HAVE WON, I SEE THAT SMILE, AND I’M UNDONE. NO USE TO MAKE A SHOW OF FORCE SHE WON’T BE WON BY A STURDY HORSE. MUCH TOO COARSE! FOR I MUST CONQUER LOVE! TODAY, I CONQUER LOVE! EDWIN WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS, MY BROTHER GOES INSANE, BACK ONE WEEK FROM BATTLE NOW THIS GIRL FILLS HIS BRAIN. HE WALKS THE MOORS AT NIGHT, HE THINKS OF HER AND WEEPS BUT MAYBE I CAN TALK SOME SENSE WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. BARON I’VE STRODE INTO A LION’S LAIR, QUELLED HIM WITH A STONY STARE, BUT CHASING HAIR IS OVER AND ABOVE— EDWIN Roderick. She’ll never give you a lock of hair. Have you seen how she primps it, fondles it. I think I heard her talking to it. BARON She is so charming. EDWIN Trivial.

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BARON Her simple, unspoiled nature lends her a radiance that transcends intelligence. Now come along, Edwin! THE SUN IS COMING UP, ACROSS THE SKY IT SWEEPS. LET’S GIRD OUR LOINS FOR HAMPTON COURT WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. (EDWIN and BARON exit) (SYLPHS descend) ARIELLA Horror, Avia! He’s plotting to cut her hair! ESTHER Though he is very handsome… AVIA Yes, Esther. ESTHER And girthy… AVIA Yes, Esther. ESTHER And, I imagine, a good listener... ARIELLA This can’t be! AVIA It is, Ariella. And we must thwart him. We will be on guard throughout the day, armed with our immense fairy power to create a dewdrop, blow a particle of dust, or flap a butterfly’s wing. THE BARON’S CHARMS ARE GREAT, BUT WE SYLPHS HAVE SKILL IN HEAPS. SO LONG AS NO MORE SNAGS COME OUR WAY— (UMBRIEL pops his head up from beneath a toadstool) UMBRIEL Hello, ladies…

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AVIA (horrified) Gnomes!

(CALEB and BARNEY also pop their heads up. GNOMES pull themselves up onto solid ground.)

(ESTHER, surprised, but delighted, preens herself, seductively) ESTHER Hey fellas… ARIELLA (scandalized) Esther! BARNEY You is lookin’ lovely Miss Ariella. ARIELLA (with disgust) Ewww! AVIA Ladies, we have held them at bay for hundreds of years, and the battle must continue.

UMBRIEL But you isn’t trickin’ us no more.

CALEB We’s here to help the Baron clip off some of Belinda’s mystical hair.

UMBRIEL If we succeeds, the human world will fill with chaos!

CALEB A mayhem such as only almighty Zeus himself could resolve. UMBRIEL And all the gnomes of the land will come to praise us. CALEB Known by all gnomes from then on as “The Hair Harriers.”

UMBRIEL It is a very good plan.

AVIA I’d like to see you try.

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UMBRIEL We’s gonna make a mackerel of you’s. (SYLPHS are repulsed)

CALEB A mockery.

UMBRIEL Right.

CALEB From the beginning, gnomes has stood for three things:

UMBRIEL Discord.

CALEB Discombobulation.

BARNEY Love.

UMBRIEL and CALEB Barney! UMBRIEL YOU THINKS YOU HAS US LICKED, BUT WHAT YOU SOWS YOU REAPS. THE GNOMES IS BACK AND ON THE ATTACK WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. GNOMES and SYLPHS BATTLE LINES ARE DRAWN. TODAY WE PLAY FOR KEEPS.

SYLPHS HERE WE GO.

GNOMES NO MORE TIPTOE, GNOMES and SYLPHS WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. (SYLPHS and GNOMES exit, and the scene shifts to…)

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ACT I, SCENE II BELINDA’s bedchamber. BELINDA sleeps. CLARISSA enters and addresses the audience.

Note: Clarissa, passionate and lonely, also does have a love for the ridiculous. While longing for a world in which she belongs rather more than she does in this one, she can’t help but find true amusement in the human foibles she sees all around her. AND, despite her frustrations with her step-sister, she really does love her. (Perhaps a little against her will), Clarissa stands a little in awe of Belinda alongside everyone else.

CLARISSA

Though now, you see me stand before you here, In only moments, I shall disappear. I won’t have left the room, I need not stir, When my step-sister wakes, you’ll see but her. We ladies are as stars or fireflies That fade beneath Belinda’s sun-bright eyes. Yet all her gentlemen had best beware: Belinda’s sole beloved is her hair. And so, until she singles out a mate, All I—and all the rest—can do is wait. BUT WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS, I THINK I HAVE A PLAN. I’LL FREE MYSELF FROM A LONELY FATE BY FINDING HER A MAN. AND NOW I KNOW THE ONE: BACK AT LAST FROM WAR’S CAMPAIGNS. THE MIGHTY BARON WINDSORLOCK COULD UNLOCK ALL OUR CHAINS. (from their own spaces, the rest of the company appears) GNOMES AND SYLPHS WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS… EDWIN AND BARON WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS… ALL BUT BELINDA THE DAY AWAITS AND DOUBT REMAINS WHILE BELINDA SLEEPS. WHILE BELIDA SLEEPS, OUR HOPES HANG IN THE AIR. REVOLVING ROUND HER HEART, HER HAND AND, OF COURSE, HER LOCK OF HAIR.

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ALL BUT BELINDA cont’d WE’RE READY FOR TODAY, AND TO DO ALL IT TAKES! CLARISSA Clarissa my name, try to keep it straight, When Belinda stirs, and I evaporate. ALL BUT BELINDA SO ON YOUR MARK! ONE LAST DEEP BREATH, AS BELINDA… NOW BELINDA… NOW BELINDA… AWAKES! (BELINDA wakes up) The Hair Song

BELINDA GOOD MORNING, ROOM, EVERYTHING IN PLACE, AS IT SHOULD BE… (looking out window) GOOD MORNING, TREE. (looking into a mirror) AND AH, AH, AT LAST, GOOD MORNING… ME: BELINDA… BELINDA… BELINDA… AH-AH (to herself in a mirror) You are very pretty. And there, atop your head, is your crowning glory. HAIR, HAIR, ELEGANT HAIR; WITHOUT IT, MY HEAD WOULD SEEM BARE. EVERY LOCK IS A FRIEND TO THE SPLIT-ENDLESS END. THEY ATTEND ME WHERE-E’ER I SHOULD FARE. HAIR, HAIR, COMFORTING HAIR, IT’S A SOLACE TO KNOW THAT IT’S THERE. DISTANT STRANDS CAN’T COMPARE WITH THE ONES THAT I WEAR AS MY HAIR, HAIR HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! EACH LOCK HAS A MOOD, EACH RINGLET A NAME, ALL LOVELY TO VIEW, BUT NO TWO ARE THE SAME. YET ALL OF THEM CLING TO ME;

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BELINDA cont’d FEW OF THEM STRAY, AND ALL OF THEM SING TO ME EVERYDAY.

(Belinda’s hair sings in response.) THE RINGLETTES IT’S LOVELY TO LIVE HERE WITH YOU AS OUR QUEEN. YOU BRUSH US AND COMB US AND KEEP US PRISTINE. A CHARMING COMPANION, YOU’RE VERY WELL BRED; IT’S AN HONOR TO BE ON YOUR HEAD. BASS VOICE (from out of nowhere) SUCH AN HONOR TO BE ON YOUR HEAD.

BELINDA (after a confused moment) Thank you. BELINDA cont’d CHRISTINA IS LONG, AND GEORGINA IS NOT. LOTTY AND LETTY GET KNOTTED A LOT. MEANDERING BEATRICE CANNOT BE BOSSED, SO BEATRICE OFTEN GETS LOST… (panicking) WHERE COULD BEA EVER BE? BEATRICE Yoo-hoo BELINDA (relieved) NOW I SEE, THERE SHE IS BY MARIE. BEATRICE… BEATRICE BEWINDA… BELINDA and BEATRICE THANK GOODNESS THAT I FOUND YOU. (“Beatrice” continues with her W-R/L substitution) BEATRICE I WAS ABSOLUTELY LOST WITHOUT YOU. BELINDA BUT NOW YOU’RE HERE! BEATRICE BUT NOW I’M HERE!

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BELINDA and BEATRICE AND WE’RE AT LAST TOGETHER. BELINDA AS TIME PASSES YOU GROW ON ME. BEATRICE I GROW ON YOU. BELINDA YOU’RE MY FAVORITE. BEATRICE YOU ARE TOO. BELINDA WHY WOULD I WANT TO COMB ALL THE LAND AND THE FOAM FOR SOME FAINT PLEASURE DOME MADE OF AIR? WHEN I HAVE MY OWN DOME THAT I’M COMBING AT HOME FILLED WITH HAIR, HAIR, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, HAIR, EUPHORIOUS HAIR! THE RINGLETTES HAIR, US GLORIOUS HAIR! BELINDA and THE RINGLETTES HAIR, PICTORIOUS HAIR! BELINDA SUCH WONDROUS… BELINDA and THE RINGLETTES HAIR! HAIR! HAIR! HAIR! HAIR! HAIR! HAIR! BELINDA HAIR! (CLARISSA enters) CLARISSA Good morning, Belinda.

BELINDA Clarissa. The sun came up.

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CLARISSA We have a big day ahead of us. The final party of the season at Hampton Court! BELINDA I think today I will look very, very pretty. Beatrice is feeling springy! Aren’t you, Beatrice?

(BELINDA can’t find BEATRICE again and searches through her hair.) BELINDA cont’d

Oh dear… BEATRICE? BEATRICE BEWINDA…

(Hearing the “polo” to her “marco,” BELINDA finds BEATRICE.) BELINDA

Oh, there you are. I will look good after all. Lord Littlewit and Sir Inconstantine, and dear Flittybud all said they’d bring me baubles from their estates. And the naval fleet all promised to bring me tokens from the East… maybe a sacred cow… CLARISSA And the Baron Windsorloch will be there. He’s very handsome you know. BELINDA Yes. When I met him, a feeling came over me that can’t have been good for my complexion. CLARISSA I think today may be your lucky day. BELINDA Oo! I would love for him to give me a present! CLARISSA I think he may propose! BELINDA Oh… CLARISSA Today may be the day he asks for a lock of your hair. BELINDA (Reaches to protect her hair, horrified) Oh! CLARISSA He’s strong, Belinda. Heroic. And the way he looked at you! Accept him, and leave the other men to return to their senses and pursue the rest of us. We don’t have forever. Carpe Diem.

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BELINDA Gesundheit. ACT I, SCENE 3 Windsorloch library. EDWIN and BARON are getting ready to go. EDWIN But why? BARON What? EDWIN You’ve conquered rebel armies, delivered treasures to the queen, you’re a baron under 30! Why this fascination with Belinda? BARON She is the sun, Edwin. When she is in the room, one can see nothing else. EDWIN And when she is out of the room as well. You’ve been gone three years, and the Hampton Court library has gotten in so many exciting new volumes since you left. BARON It is not just her beauty, Edwin. It’s her warmth, a gentle simplicity that blazes from within. EDWIN Yes, the gentle simplicity of someone who’s never heard the word “no.” BARON And why would anyone deny her? I must win her lock of hair today, that I may carry it and her close to my heart. EDWIN I just hoped we might catch up a bit. BARON We will, Edwin, we will. But just now, I can think of nothing but Belinda, my sun rising in the East. Let us board the carriage. For I will see her in only two hours at Hampton Court! Hampton Court BARON cont’d IT’S TIME TO SET OUT TO SEE HAMPTON PALACE, OUR NATION’S PRIDE BY THE SIDE OF THE THAMES. EDWIN IT’S TIME, AND SO, HEARTS AGLOW,

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BARON AND EDWIN HAMPTON HO!

(GNOMES enter) GNOMES WE’LL GO WITH THEMS.

BARON HUNTING FOXES! HAMPTON COURT IS THE SPOT FOR THE SPORT OF THE CHASE! GNOMES SNIPPING LOCKSES.

GNOMES, EDWIN, AND BARON HAMPTON COURT IS THE PLACE! EDWIN and BARON FINE WINE CELLARS! EDWIN HAMPTON COURT HAS THE PARAMOUNT PORT! BARON I’M AWARE!

BARNEY ARIELLA’S ALSO SURE TO BE THERE! BARON THERE…

EDWIN THERE, THE LIBRARY’S FILLED WITH CHAUCER AND DRYDEN, BARON THERE… EDWIN SOPHOCLES, CICERO, AND SHAKESPEARE.

BARON THERE, I’LL SEE BELINDA

GNOMES AND, WIF US GUIDIN’, HE WILL GET HIM A NEW SOUVENIR.

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BARON HAMPTON EDWIN HAMPTON GNOMES HAMPTON COURT FOR THE HAIR GETTING SHORT; WHAT A SHOW! BARON HAMPTON EDWIN HAMPTON

BARON, EDWIN, and GNOMES HAMPTON COURT, TALLY-HO!

(Focus shifts to BELINDA, CLARISSA, and SYLPHS Belinda’s bedroom. They too are getting ready to go. BELINDA is looking in the mirror, as the SYLPHS attend to her hair.)

ARIELLA SHE’S SO STUNNING. ESTHER EV’RY SQUIRE DESIRES A KISS. AVIA THOUGH THEY’RE GUNNING, WE WILL SEE THAT THEY MISS. SYLPHS WHAT TRIUMPH, WHAT GLORY, AND HOW!

BELINDA NOW, I HAVE TO BE LOVELY AND CAPTIVATING.

SYLPHS SHE’S SO LOVELY. CLARISSA ARE YOU READY TO GO? BELINDA NEARLY READY; HOLD ON.

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CLARISSA AFTER TWO HOURS, ONE GETS TIRED OF WAITING. BELINDA NOT A FLAW; WHAT GLEAM! WHAT A GLOW. WITH A SMILE, I’LL BEGUILE EV’RY BEAU. (SYLPHS preen BELINDA’s hair, unnoticed, as always.) AVIA CINCH THAT SEAM THERE… CLARISSA (aside) I NEED A CONCEIT TO ALLOW THEM TO MEET FACE TO FACE; SYLPHS HOW SHE’LL GLEEM THERE! CLARISSA HAMPTON COURT IS THE PLACE! AND ONCE SHE’S MET HER MATE, PERHAPS I’LL MEET MY OWN, AND I’LL RECLAIM MY FATE. BELINDA I HOPE THE BARON’S AS HANDSOME TODAY. AND MAYBE THE ADM’RAL HAS BROUGHT ME A SACRED COW!

(The two scenes merge) EDWIN NOW, IT IS TIME TO GO. BELINDA and BARON NOW? EDWIN NOW. CLARISSA NOW, IT IS TIME TO GO NOW. BELINDA NOW! CLARISSA NOW!

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BARON and EDWIN NOW!

BELINDA NOW! (The scene shifts to…) ACT I, SCENE 5 Gardens at Hampton Court. Noon. As underscoring continues, MAIDENS and GENTLEMEN enter. MAIDENS primp. So do GENTLEMEN. KATHERINE Have you seen Lord Littlewit? GERTRUDE Yes. Does my nose have enough powder? KATHERINE It looks like a beach. MADELINE There’s Sir Flittybud! How’s my hair? SIR FLITTYBUD How’s my hair? SIR INCONSTANTINE Never mind your hair! Is my quill in alignment? SIR FLITTYBUD (asking LORD LITTLEWIT) How’s my hair? GERTRUDE Rouge me, Katherine! KATHERINE Perfect! GERTRUDE Perfect! SIR FLITTYBUD (indicating his hair) Somebody, please just tell me how it is! BELINDA THINK OF THE GAMES TO BE WON AT CARDS, ALL BY ME! AND I’LL HAVE TEA!

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BELINDA cont’d AND I’LL HAVE PRESENTS THE FLEET BROUGHT FROM OVER THE SEA! BELINDA cont’d OTHERS THROW AWAY THRIFT! EV’RY GIFT WILL BE LAPIS OR TAPESTRIES EXCITEMENT’S MORE THAN A CENTURY OLD, IN THE AIR THREADED WITH GOLD, AT OH, WHAT A SIGHT TO BEHOLD… HAMPTON BUT WHY HASN’T THE ADM’RAL COURT! BROUGHT ME A SACRED COW?

BELINDA cont’d BUT I WON’T ALLOW THAT TO RUIN MY AFTERNOON NOW! ALL SUCH GRANDEUR, SO EXQUISITE, YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO VISIT HAMPTON! HAMPTON! HAMPTON! HAMPTON! IT’S PRECIOUS, IT’S LAVISH, IT’S LUSCIOUS AND RAVISHING! VICT’RY’S SPOILS! ALL THE WORLD WE EXPLORE AND EMBRACE! NOBLES, ROYALS! HAMPTON COURT IS THE PLACE! SUCH EFFULGENCE! GOLD AND SILVER AND SATIN AND LACE! SELF-INDULGENCE! HAMPTON COURT IS THE PLACE WHERE ALL OF THE UPPER CRUST AND THE LUSTROUS SORT HAVE THEIR PORT AND CUSTARD AND JUST CAVORT. SO, IN SHORT, IT IS A MUST TO BE HERE, BELINDA TAKING TEA HERE ALL AT HAMPTON COURT!

(CLARISSA observes. MAIDENS gather together, as do GENTLEMEN.) KATHERINE Ladies, our gentlemen!

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(MAIDENS present themselves to GENTLEMEN. GENTLEMEN hurry past and huddle around BELINDA.)

SIR INCONSTANTINE Belinda! SIR FLITTYBUD Belinda! (waving off MAIDENS) Later, later. LORD LITTLEWIT (To MAIDENS) Later! (to BELINDA) Belinda! MADELINE (wounded) Later? GERTRUDE (venomous) Belinda. KATHERINE The scoundrels! (BELINDA exits, followed by GENTLEMEN.) GERTRUDE But Ladies, we must soldier on.

KATHERINE You’re right!

(BARON sees BELINDA and is about to follow her, when…) KATHERINE cont’d Oh, Baron! GERTRUDE Baron! MADELINE Baron! BARON Good day, ladies. KATHERINE Won’t you take a stroll with us? BARON Oh, but I was on my way to—

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MADELINE Oh, you must come, we are going to walk through the maze. What if we encounter a spider? BARON Oh... but... yes of course. GERTRUDE Right this way, Baron.

(MAIDENS and BARON exit. EDWIN is left alone.)

EDWIN It seems I’ve been deserted by the throng. Pity me not; books sing a sweeter song. And so it’s off to the library to read The Epic of Sir Speckle…yes... (EDWIN exits) BARON from offstage Ladies! No! KATHERINE from offstage Stay still! BARON from offstage I can’t allow that. GERTRUDE from offstage Let me just— BARON Oo!

GERTRUDE from offstage There he goes! KATHERINE After him!

(BARON runs on, perhaps with some clothing torn off or untucked. CLARISSA, who has been watching, pulls him behind a hedge. MAIDENS run through, in pursuit.)

MADELINE I think he went toward the topiary!

(MAIDENS exit)

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BARON Those maidens were trying to... well, thank you. CLARISSA Not at all. BARON Allow me to introduce myself. CLARISSA We met last week, Baron. BARON (unsure of her name) Oh... yes… CLARISSA Clarissa Evers. BARON Good day, Miss Evers… (suddenly realizing who she is) Isn’t Miss Belinda your step-sister? CLARISSA She is. BARON She is such a delight. I think we gravitate toward the people with the least gravity. CLARISSA On the contrary, Belinda is denser than all the surrounding bodies. (SYLPHS enter and observe.) BARON And her hair, her flowing rivers of hair. So soft, so full, so ample, so lush, so buoyant, so round… CLARISSA Her hair? BARON How I long to possess that lock of hair that would seal our engagement. CLARISSA Exactly! BARON I must win it.

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CLARISSA You must. BARON I intend to beg. CLARISSA Now, Baron… Good Lady Lead-On will never give you the lock, if you grovel like the rest. Be the man of action that I know you are! BARON I think I see.

(BELINDA enters, surrounded by GENTLEMEN. She giggles. They laugh.) CLARISSA But how do we disperse these peacocks? BARON That’s the easy part. Use their manliness. SIR FLITTYBUD (effetely) Oh, yes! Belinda! BARON Every man wants to be a hero. Give them a quest! CLARISSA (impressed by his insight) Aha! A moment please, Baron.

(CLARISSA sneaks up behind BELINDA. Unnoticed, CLARISSA removes a comb from BELINDA’s hair. She returns to BARON and hands him the comb.)

CLARISSA Hold that. (BARON hides and watches. CLARISSA returns to BELINDA.) CLARISSA cont’d Belinda… BELINDA Hello, Clarissa. CLARISSA So sorry to trouble you, but I think you should know—it’s difficult to say it—you seem to be missing a comb.

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BELINDA NO! CLARISSA (helping her along) NO! BELINDA NO! GENTLEMEN Dearest! What is the matter? BELINDA My comb! My comb! It is gone! My hair is going to become… unkempt! GENTLEMEN We will find it. BELINDA Yes, go. Go and find my comb! GENTLEMEN At your service, my lady!

(GENTLEMEN rush out in different directions.) CLARISSA (To BARON) Go to it, Galahad.

(CLARISSA watches) BARON Miss Fermor. BELINDA Don’t look at me. BARON I found this in… a nearby potted palm… I believe it’s yours.

(BARON presents the comb to BELINDA.) BELINDA Yes! Thank goodness. BEATRICE… BEATRICE BEWINDA…

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(BARON looks around, trying to locate the source of this second voice…) BELINDA WE’VE FOUND OUR COMB, BELINDA and BEATRICE SO ALL IS WELL NOW… BARON (regaining her attention her) Glad to be of service. BELINDA Oh, yes. Thank you so for returning my comb. I’d like to give you a token of thanks.

(BARON waits, hopeful. BELINDA removes a ribbon from a pouch and offers it.) BELINDA cont’d Here’s a ribbon; it’s an exact replica of the one I wear in my hair. BARON Miss Fermor. Allow me to speak sincerely, if inexpertly… it is no secret that I long for your hand in marriage. (turning away to steel himself) I mean to ask you to accept my pledge of undying love…

(SYLPHS with great effort, blow a butterfly past BELINDA. She notices it, is entranced and follows it, exiting. SYLPHS exchange a triumphant glance.)

BARON cont’d My vow of loyalty and fidelity… (EDWIN enters and approaches BARON.) BARON cont’d I mean to ask you for a lock of your magnificent hair.

(BARON turns back, expectant, but finds himself face-to-face with EDWIN. After an awkward moment, BARON exits in disgust. CLARISSA peeks out from her hiding place, to watch him go, and EDWIN sees her.)

EDWIN Miss Evers, nice to see you. CLARISSA Mr. Shearing, nice of you to see me. You’ve ventured out of the library? EDWIN I was the only one there. That happens a lot.

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CLARISSA I understand. EDWIN All the other gentlemen of court always seem to have a crowd around them. CLARISSA Look at my step-sister. EDWIN Look at my brother. Back one week, and already these maidens! CLARISSA She commands the attention of the entire world. EDWIN I know; I’ve never even met her in a whole season of seeing her here. But you’re always unoccupied. CLARISSA Glad you noticed. EDWIN So many of these people have a knack for going on and on about nothing. It’s a kind of wisdom I’ve never mastered. CLARISSA Does it make you jealous? EDWIN (lying to himself) Me? No… You? CLARISSA No… but if we ever want any company, we need to change our point of view. EDWIN We do? Where Did They Learn It? CLARISSA IN THE HOPES OF SOMEDAY BEING COURTED, MY CRITERIA I’VE HAD TO REDEFINE: I NO LONGER LOOK FOR BRILLIANCE, JUST FOR SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES MINE. EDWIN BUT IN THAT, AS WELL YOU’RE SURELY THWARTED, FOR ALL GENIUS THEY IGNORE OR CONDEMN.

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EDWIN cont’d BUT IN WHAT, I BELIEVE, SHOWS RESILIENCE, I’M DEVELOPING A NEW STRATAGEM. CLARISSA Really? EDWIN IT IS SIMPLY TO BE MORE LIKE THEM. CLARISSA How is that working out? EDWIN Not well. How do they do it? CLARISSA I have no idea. DID EACH LADY HAVE A TUTOR WHO COULD MUTE HER, MAKE HER CUTER? EDWIN AND EACH SUITOR A PROFESSOR WHO COULD MAKE HIS KNOWLEDGE LESSER? EDWIN and CLARISSA HOW THEY GLITTER, HOW THEY THRILL LIKE A CLEAR, TRANSPARENT JEWEL! BUT JUST WHERE DID THEY ACQUIRE THE SKILL WE SOMEHOW MISSED IN SCHOOL? CLARISSA THAT LUCKY GIRL THE EARL OF WELLS WILL WED TO BE HIS BRIDE HAS BEEN IDEALLY BRED: SHE’S THICK IN THE BODICE AND THICKER IN THE HEAD, BUT WHERE DID SHE LEARN IT? EDWIN LORD KNOX, FOX-HUNTER, IS ALWAYS RATHER BLUNT; HIM NO TALK; HIM ONLY GRUNT, YET KNOX IS THE HUNTER THE FOXES ALWAYS HUNT. NOW, WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT STUNT? CLARISSA NOW WOULDN’T IT BE SIMPLY FABULOUS IF MY HEAD WERE AN EMPTY PLAZA?

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EDWIN WE’LL SCRAPE AND SCRAPE UNTIL OUR TABULAS ARE ALL COMPLETELY RASA. CLARISSA (doing her best to effect a vacuous air) Mr. Shearing, this world is so trying. Every time I look at my reflection in a glass of water, I get wet! EDWIN (his best LORD LITTLEWIT impression) Everything is confusing these days. Why, when I go hunting rabbits, they won’t stay still, just keep jumping up and down. Dashed disorienting. CLARISSA Yes! And now they’re all saying that the world isn’t flat. EDWIN Yes! They say it’s round. And spinning all the time! CLARISSA That must be why I’m always dizzy! EDWIN It must! CLARISSA (returning to her own persona) Do you hate yourself right now? EDWIN I do. CLARISSA Who are we kidding? I WAIT… I WISH… BUT MY FIELD’S LYING FALLOW. EDWIN WE’RE THE TWO BIGGEST FISH IN A POND THAT’S WIDE, BUT SHALLOW. CLARISSA and EDWIN HOW THEY BELONG, I STILL DON’T HAVE A CLUE, AND IT SEEMS TOO LATE FOR US TO LEARN TO TOO…

(CLARISSA realizes that she and EDWIN have something in common. She reaches toward him. Lost in thought, he doesn’t notice. Before she can touch him, he shrugs and turns to her.)

EDWIN LET’S HAVE DONE WITH ALL THIS PINING

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EDWIN cont’d FOR THE SUPERFICIAL SHINING. CLARISSA JUST A LAPSE THAT’S MOMENTARY. EDWIN I’LL RETURN TO THE LIBRARY. CLARISSA THIS IS FRIVOLOUS. EDWIN SUCH DRIVEL! CLARISSA and EDWIN AND IT’S TIME FOR US TO QUIT. BUT IT WOULD BE NICE, FOR ONCE, TO FIT. (EDWIN and CLARISSA exit) (GNOMES enter conspiratorially)

CALEB (confidentially) I tells you, Umbriel, the Baron’s never gonna nick the lock with them sylphies suspendin’ over it. We gots to get ‘em outta the picture. UMBRIEL Leave it to me.

(BELINDA walks through, SYLPHS trailing her.) UMBRIEL (to SYLPHS) Oye! Oye! (SYLPHS turn, allowing BELINDA to exit without them) BARNEY Hello, Miss Ariella… ARIELLA Hello. Please stay down there. AVIA What are you doing here?

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UMBRIEL See, (milking for sentiment) As we was amblin’ over, we was all of us glum. Guilty even. And finally, Barney here says what we was all thinking: “Miss Belinda is so lovely,” he says, “I doesn’t want to see her lose a lock.” (CALEB jabs BARNEY) BARNEY I doesn’t want to see her lose a lock. UMBRIEL By the grace of Zeus, our hearts is turned, and now, we wants to help sniff out any menacin’ mister, who wants to reel haddock. CALEB Wreak havoc.

UMBRIEL So Caleb here’s been sneaksy and… CALEB Surreptitious… UMBRIEL All mornin’.

CALEB I been layin’ low.

ESTHER Caleb, what’s it like there on the ground? Maybe a little. . . dirty?

ARIELLA and AVIA Esther! UMBRIEL We been seein’ things… suspicious things… like… (no idea what to say)

(The GARDENER, who is trimming hedges nearby with enormous pruning shears, clips one audibly)

CALEB The gardener. UMBRIEL The gardener. (CALEB jabs BARNEY)

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BARNEY Right. The gardener. UMBRIEL We thinks he has his eye on Belinda’s lock. CALEB He been lookin’ mighty dodgy with them prunin’ shears. UMBRIEL He might be a porpoise. CALEB Perpetrator. UMBRIEL One little snip with them shears, and it’s goodbye little lock-let. (makes a cutting motion) ARIELLA Eeek! CALEB Just one… (makes a cutting motion) ARIELLA Eeek! BARNEY (Reaches up to console her) Miss Ariella! ARIELLA Ewww! UMBRIEL I thinks I speaks for all the fellas when I says that we doesn’t want to see Miss Belinda pruned. (The GNOMES nod in agreement) UMBRIEL cont’d So you’s better go take a look-see for youself. AVIA Yes, we ought. You… have been surprisingly helpful. (with a snap of her finger) Sylphs.

(SYLPHS exit after GARDENER. GNOMES congratulate each other and exit.)

(BARON and CLARISSA enter from opposite directions.)

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BARON Miss Evers. I seek your counsel once more. CLARISSA Certainly, Baron. Anything to help our cause. BARON My initial sortie was not a success. Advise me—you are the cleverest person here—what is my strategy for the next skirmish? CLARISSA Maybe a skirmish itself. Engage her in competition. No one ever challenges her. But she loves to win. BARON I could beat her at javelin. CLARISSA Something she’ll play. BARON Cards? CLARISSA That’s it! BARON A simple game. CLARISSA You bet her for a lock of hair. BARON But what do I have to wager that she’d want? CLARISSA Fame. If she wins, you’ll name your hill after her. Your stream, your next puppy. What is a name to you? But her vanity won’t be able to resist it. BARON If I win, the lock of hair is mine. CLARISSA So, off you go. The lock waits to be freed. BARON Your soundest judgment guides my every deed.

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(BARON bows and exits.) (BELINDA enters, humming to herself and skips past CLARISSA unaware.)

CLARISSA Belinda… BELINDA Oh, Clarissa, I didn’t notice you. CLARISSA Right. But where is your entourage? BELINDA Oh! Someone really should tell them to stop looking for my comb. Would you, when you see them?

(BELINDA skips off. GENTLEMEN cross, from all directions, frantically looking for the comb.) CLARISSA

(exasperated) She found it!

(GENTLEMEN exit. CLARISSA turns to the audience.) CLARISSA cont’d Belinda and I each were seven when Our widowed parents thought to wed again. We thus became step-sisters, but more dear; If one was seen, the other must be near. We roamed the hills and gathered wild buds, We swam in lakes (and, oftentimes, in muds). And then, one morn Belinda turned fifteen, As I had done, two months before, and seen Not the slightest change; my looks, my frame, My sixteenth year had left about the same. In her, the change was sudden. As the sun Emerges from a cloud, so she had done. Like Aphrodite, rising from the main, Belinda rose, reborn, and now inane; Her thoughts at once were of perfume and clothes And methods for accumulating beaux. The cloud that moved aside to let her shine Surrounded me, my own light to confine. Now everyone was in Belinda’s thrall, And no one noticed I was there at all. I could have held a philosophic view Had she herself not overlooked me too.

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CLARISSA cont’d Belinda, my comrade and dearest friend, Her use for me was clearly at an end. So don’t condemn my scheming for her hair. It isn’t me. I’m not really there.

(CLARISSA exits. GNOMES enter, boisterous, except for BARNEY.) CALEB We did get ‘em sylphies goin’! UMBRIEL The gardener! BARNEY (half-heartedly) Heh heh. UMBRIEL What’s wif you, Barney? You been all—Caleb, what’s that one about dolphins? CALEB Doleful. UMBRIEL Right. You been all doleful, Barney. BARNEY Oh, I’m fine, fellas. It’s just, has you ever wondered what it’d be like to be heroic like the Baron? To do great things and love with all you’s soul? UMBRIEL Aw, just be a gnome, wontcha?

(CALEB and UMBRIEL exit, laughing. BARNEY stays behind, makes sure he’s alone, and addresses the audience.)

Only a Gnome BARNEY CAN YOU’S KEEP A SECRET IN TIGHT? THE FELLAS, THEY’D TEASE, IF THEY KNEW. PROMISE NOT TO TELL? WELL, ALL RIGHT. I GOTS TO TELL SOMEONE; I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU. ME FEETS WANTS TO DANCE WIF THAT SYLPH THROUGH THE AIR, BUT I JUST WALKS AROUND UNDERGROUND IN DESPAIR. I’M ONLY A GNOME IN SEARCH OF A HOME FOR ME HEART.

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BARNEY cont’d IT JUST ISN’T FAIR THAT THE SYLPH OF ME DREAMS, WHENEVER SHE SEE’S ME’S, SO SQUEAMISH SHE SCWEAMS. I GOTS LOTS OF HAIR, BUT SOMEWHERES IN THERE, THERE’S A HEART. It’s under me wart. THEY TELLS ME, “LOVE IS BLIND.” I FINDS THAT ISN’T TRUE. AND IT’S TRAGIC HOW MUCH ALL US LOWLIES CAN LOVE, WHEN THEMS WE ADORE, ANSWERS, “EWWWW!” BUT, IF, SOMEDAY, SHE SEES THROUGH THE MOLD AND THE MUST, SHE’LL SWITCH TO INDIFFERENCE INSTEAD OF DISGUST. SHE’LL KNOW I’M A GNOME IN SEARCH OF A HOME FOR ME HEART. WELL, I GUESS THAT’S ALL I GOTS TO SAY. THANKS FOR LISTENIN’, DON’T TELL NO ONE, AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

(BARNEY exits. SYLPHS enter.) AVIA That gardener was only trimming topiaries! ARIELLA Dashed gnomes! AVIA May they be banished to the Grotto of Glue! ARIELLA We have to give them a piece of our minds. ESTHER I’d like to give them a piece of my… mind. ARIELLA (disgusted) They’re gnomes, Esther! ESTHER Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

(BELINDA enters)

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AVIA At least Belinda is unharmed, and just as lovely as ever. Her hair and our strength are mighty as ever. Oo! I think I see an eyelash that needs curling…

(BARON enters, followed by GNOMES.)

BARON Miss Fermor. ARIELLA Oh no! BELINDA Hello, Baron. BARON Hello. Have you seen Admiral Swimfort? We were to play at cards. BELINDA (thrilled) Cards?! BARON Yes. I have my deck right here. BELINDA Oh Baron! (BARON presents his deck seductively, with a showy shuffle that titillates) BELINDA cont’d I am extremely fond of cards. BARON Ah. But do you know how to play… “war”? BELINDA I love “war”! Can I play? BARON Ah, but Swimfort and I have a very particular way of playing. We place gentlemen’s wagers on the game, you see. BELINDA I have my gambling fish with me. BARON Swimfort and I don’t play for fish.

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BELINDA No? BARON The game’s more exciting, if you raise the stakes. BELINDA Ooo.

(BARON shuffles cards, alluringly. BELINDA gasps in polymorphous perverse delight.)

BARON Shall we? BELINDA Oh yes! I adore games of chance. They’re the only games I always win! AVIA (to SYLPHS) To the cards. UMBRIEL The Baron’s gonna need some help, fellas. GNOMES To the cards! (GNOMES and SYLPHS take positions for the card game.) BARON On the first flip, I bet the naming of my prize foxhound’s fastest pup. If you win, the pup will be called Belinda. (BELINDA gasps, eagerly) If I win, I want one of your replica hair ribbons. BELINDA Very well.

(Music begins. BELINDA and BARON play. With each card, SYLPHS and GNOMES bring larger representations of the cards into the battlefield.)

(AVIA and UMBRIEL pick up the first two cards. BELINDA and the BARON play their cards, as AVIA and UMBRIEL simultaneously turn theirs. AVIA—holding Belinda’s card—has the Queen of Clubs, and UMBRIEL—holding the Baron’s card—has the Jack of Spades. Under duress from AVIA, UMBRIEL begrudgingly gives up his card.)

BELINDA Mine!

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BARON Conceded. And now, I wager the name of my finest trout stream against a handkerchief. BELINDA Right.

(ESTHER picks up the Queen of Hearts and CALEB the Ten of Diamonds. ESTHER seductively throws her arms open for CALEB, who backs away and surrenders his Ten.)

BELINDA Mine again! BARON Belinda Brook it is. On this flip, the name of the hill above my estate against your comb. BELINDA Done.

(ARIELLA has the Two of Diamonds and BARNEY the Jack of Hearts. This would be BELINDA’s first loss, but BARNEY bows and gives his card to ARIELLA.)

BELINDA cont’d Ha-ha! BARON But that one was mine… BELINDA I told you I was highly skilled at games of chance. The hill will be Belinda Prospect. BARON (giving in) No matter. Now, we must wager on the outcome of the whole game. BELINDA Ooo, how exciting! BARON The name of my entire estate against… a lock of your hair. AVIA, ARIELLA, ESTHER No! BELINDA (with no intention of losing) Very well. CALEB Heh heh heh

40

BARON We play!

(Music resumes. AVIA and UMBRIEL reveal a pair of Eights.) GNOMES and SYLPHS War!!!

(SYLPHS and GNOMES each lay down three cards. CALEB and ARIELLA turn the next cards to reveal a pair of Sixes!)

GNOMES and SYLPHS War!!!

(A free-for-all card dance ensues. BARNEY pursues ARIELLA. ESTHER pursues CALEB, who fans her with a card to try to blow her away. AVIA battles UMBRIEL. Over the course of the battle, another three cards are laid down on each side, and UMBRIEL and AVIA eventually restore order and pick up the last two cards.) GNOMES and SYLPHS

The final card!

(UMBRIEL has the Baron’s Two of Clubs and AVIA Belinda’s Queen of Diamonds. BELINDA wins. SYLPHS exit, relieved; GNOMES exit, lugging the cards off.)

BELINDA “Belinda Manor!” How melodious! BARON Yes, well done, Miss Fermor. You indeed have emerged victorious. But, now that the war is over, might we talk of love?

(BELINDA exits, as the BARON is talking to her. EDWIN enters. BARON looks up to find BELINDA gone and EDWIN standing in front of him. EDWIN exits.)

BARON cont’d “Belinda Manor!” Why you have no manners at all! I WAITED WHILE SHE SLEPT. I ROAMED THE FIELDS UNDONE, FOR THAT SUN-LIKE BREATH OF PRETTY… PETTY, FRIVOLOUS, ANNOYING, CLOYING, SELFISH… PRETTY…

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BARON cont’d SELFISH… SELFISH! WHY DO I OBSESS? I FOUND SUCH MEANING IN THE MEANINGLESS? BUT DO I LOVE HER? WELL, I GUESS, THE ANSWER’S… NO…. CLARISSA So… any lock? BARON No, but I don’t want it anymore. I don’t love her. CLARISSA You were in love with her just this morning. You’re probably hungry— BARON No, Miss Evers. Having a conversation with Belinda is like trying to play tug-of-war with someone who isn’t holding the other end of the rope. CLARISSA I know, but she’s young. BARON No younger than you. CLARISSA She’s innocent. BARON She’s trivial. Just like Edwin said. CLARISSA Edwin said that? BARON I’m a fool. CLARISSA No, Baron. BARON There’s a wise old adage: “Behind every great man is a great woman” CLARISSA Yes. Behind every great man is a great woman. Next to him is a trophy wife. All the other men long for Belinda. You’re the one who could have her.

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BARON All the other men are idiots! CLARISSA And I don’t want my sister with an idiot. You’re a hero. She may seem cold, but you have the fire to melt her heart. That’s what she needs. BARON It’s not what she wants. CLARISSA She does. We all do. Even if we don’t know it. Even if we’ve been frustrated or we’ve hoped so long that we’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to feel. BARON Or we’ve never felt passion in return. CLARISSA Or our fingertips ache from waiting, and our arms, and we long for a little companionship, a little understanding, but we don’t see who would ever… BARON Yes? CLARISSA (to herself) Edwin… (to BARON) Excuse me, Baron. (CLARISSA exits) All at Once BARON Miss Evers, I… ALL AT ONCE, I KNOW THAT WHAT I NEED IS WARMTH AND HONESTY, AND SOMETHING WHISPERS TO ME, “CLARISSA…” SO CLEAR, BUT UNEXPECTED… AT ONCE, I SEE A SWEET, ECCENTRIC HEART… A WILD INTELLIGENCE. AND WHAT ELSE DID I MISS, IF I SOMEHOW NEGLECTED THIS? AND HOW FAR DID I SINK? HOW MUCH WAS OBSCURED FROM VIEW? I STRETCH, I BLINK, I THINK OF YOU:

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BARON cont’d ALL AT ONCE, THE SPRING HAS CREPT UP, AND IT’S SUDDENLY IN BLOOM. EV’RYTHING’S ANIMATED, AND I BREATHE LIVING AIR; I CAN’T PREPARE, AS I AM SWEPT UP. ALL AT ONCE, EV’RY TASTE, EV’RY SOUND, EV’RY HUE, MY SENSES SATURATED. NO MORE GRAYS, NO MORE HAZE, AND IN A BLAZE OF YOU, I SEE THE WORLD THAT I WAS SLEEPING THROUGH. WITHIN MY VAULT, A SUDDEN SNIFF OF SMELLING SALT: CONSCIOUS NOW, I SEE A WORLD OF PEACE AND PASSION ALL AT ONCE. AT ONCE I KNOW I NEED YOU HERE TO SEE IT TOO. I SWEAR I’LL MAKE MY BEST ATTEMPT TO SHARE THIS WORLD THAT SOMEHOW DREAMT UP YOU.

(BARON exits.)

ACT I, SCENE 6 Another part of Hampton Court gardens.

(BELINDA is followed on by adoring GENTLEMEN. During the ensuing pantomime, each GENTLEMAN tries to woo BELINDA to be his own, offering presents and other attentions. It becomes chaotic, ridiculous, and ultimately overwhelming to BELINDA, who eventually shoos the GENTLEMEN away. They exit.)

(BELINDA, suddenly worried, hunts for “Beatrice.”)

BELINDA BEATRICE… BEATRICE BEWINDA… BELINDA OH, THERE YOU ARE; NOW I FEEL BETTER… BEATRICE Good.

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(EDWIN enters.) EDWIN Ah, Miss Fermor. BELINDA Hello. EDWIN I am Edwin Shearing, the Baron’s brother. BELINDA Do you have a present for me? EDWIN What? BELINDA What? EDWIN No… BELINDA Oh… EDWIN I think many of the other gentlemen have brought you gifts. BELINDA Yes. It’s very flattering. But overwhelming. EDWIN Figuring out which one to choose? BELINDA Keeping them all in suspense. I can’t choose one. EDWIN But eventually you’ll have to make a decision. BELINDA Oh no. Decisions are very dangerous. Each choice leads to another. Each commitment closes a door. Think of all the futures I’d lose if I actually chose! EDWIN Then what do you want to do?

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BELINDA Be pure and innocent. EDWIN But, in Areopagitica, Milton tells us, I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercised— BELINDA I’ve never read Areo-jack-it-a-papa. “Be fashionable,” my wise father always tells me, “for the Lord encourages us to labor at our appearance that we might leave our souls pristine and our minds untouched.” EDWIN Don’t you ever want to know something more about the world? BELINDA (excitedly) Oh yes. Have you traveled? EDWIN My pleasures are more domestic. BELINDA What do you mean? EDWIN Books! BELINDA How is that knowing more of the world. You’re locked inside your own skull!

EDWIN You’re right. My head is the one place I never can escape. BELINDA (Removing a pin from her hair) On my head I have this comb—gold and sapphire from India. Isn’t it beautiful? EDWIN Quite wonderful. BELINDA And this hairpin, made of jade from China. And this one--real ivory from Abyssinia… I’ll never travel; my parents would never approve, and I wouldn’t want my skin to burn in the southern suns. So, like the tortoise, I carry the world with me—in my hair, not in a shell. EDWIN But the world’s so wide. If you could just go anywhere…

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Off to the East BELINDA Anywhere? OFF TO THE EAST, THERE I’D EXPLORE. THERE IT IS BRIGHT. I’D LIKE TO SEE IT. HOW WOULD I LOOK? WHAT WOULD I WEAR? I’D NOT CARE. OFF TO THE EAST, INDIA CALLS. SENDING PERFUMES TO TRY AND TEMPT ME, SINGING OF SPICE THICK IN THE AIR. DO I DARE? EDWIN SO WHY NOT? THERE IS SO MUCH TO EXPLORE! SALLY FORTH, AS ULYSSES DID BEFORE IN THE DAYS OF YORE… BELINDA MANY SIGHTS FOR THE FARE, SIGHTS TO SHARE…

(CLARISSA enters, unseen by EDWIN and BELINDA. Observing their growing intimacy, she exits heartbroken.)

EDWIN

I WOULD QUELL MY FEAR OF SHIPS… BELINDA AND LENGTHY TRIPS. SO WHY NOT? EDWIN AND IMAGINE ALL WE’D SEE, BELINDA WHERE THE ELEPHANTS RUN FREE. EDWIN IN EACH GLADE, AN ORANGE TREE,

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BELINDA WE’D PICK THEM FREELY. EDWIN and BELINDA IN THE MANDIRS, WE’D GIVE THANKS, SEE LOVERS BY THE RIVER BANKS… EDWIN “THOU, BY THE INDIAN GANGES’ SIDE, SHOULDST RUBIES FIND.” BELINDA AND THEN, WE’D TRAVEL ON EDWIN and BELINDA AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND….

(EDWIN leans in to try to kiss BELINDA, pushing “Beatrice,” aside. With his touch of “Beatrice,” BELINDA recoils, the moment is broken.)

BELINDA SEAS ARE ROUGH. EDWIN TRAVEL’S HARD. BELINDA FAR AWAY. EDWIN BEST BEWARE. EDWIN and BELINDA DO I DARE? EDWIN BELINDA OFF TO THE EAST, EAST… THERE I’D EXPLORE I HAVE NEVER TRAVELED FAR… THERE IT IS BRIGHT I’LL NEVER SEE IT. I’LL NEVER SEE IT. I’LL READ ONLY IN DREAMS, ABOUT IT ONLY IN PRAYER, AND BE THERE. AM I THERE. THEN I’M THERE. THEN I’M THERE. BELINDA It’s a long, long, long, long way away. And everything’s perfect here. Everyone adores me just the way I am.

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EDWIN And I am not Ulysses, nor was meant to be. I will voyage only as far as the library.

(More tempted than he’d like, EDWIN exits. BELINDA lingers, in a trance, then exits. Before the final chords of the song have decayed, CLARISSA runs on, devastated and furious.)

CLARISSA What witchcraft is she using? How so soon Could she enchant the man who seemed immune? Edwin, the only man around with wit, Who seemed, perhaps, to fancy me a bit, Is, like the others, netted in her hair. The time has come to free him and to spare Us from this gorgeous blight on all our eyes. We’ll cut him loose, and cut her down to size. (BARON enters)

BARON Miss Evers! I’ve found you! CLARISSA Why have you not found her? BARON My sight is finally clear. CLARISSA Good. She went that way. BARON But Miss Evers— CLARISSA Don’t just stand there! Of all the men of court, why have you not claimed this lock? BARON Because I now understand love. CLARISSA Love! There is no love, until that teasing, bouncing, perfect lock is off her head! BARON But there is love, Miss Evers— CLARISSA Not for me! No love, no joy, no hope of relief!

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BARON I see. Then rest assured, Miss Evers. For you, by whatever means, I will claim the lock. Tally ho! (BARON runs off. CLARISSA exits) ACT I, SCENE 7 Another part of the Hampton Court gardens. BELINDA sits, reflecting. Just Outside BELINDA DID HE JUST… DID I TOO… AM I STILL… WHO KNEW A HEART COULD BEAT THIS FAST? DO I SLEEP? DO I WAKE? EITHER WAY, LET IT LAST! THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE EXCITING AND DANGEROUS AND VAST. JUST OUTSIDE, A WORLD IS WAITING, CASTING A GLOW. NOW I KNOW IT’S NEAR. JUST OUTSIDE, IT’S CAPTIVATING, MYSTERIOUS LIGHT FROM A NEW FRONTIER. THE GARDEN GATE’S OPEN WIDE. JUST OUTSIDE… IT’S ALL STRANGE; I’M NOT SCARED. DIDN’T DO, STILL I DARED. THE NEW ME IS UNAFRAID. THE TRUE ME IS NOT THE WEAKLING I’VE PLAYED. LIFE IS HERE. LIFE’S TODAY. IF I DELAY, IT COULD FADE… JUST OUTSIDE, IT’S NOT RETREATING: THE CALL OF DESIRE I CAN’T IGNORE. JUST OUTSIDE, HIS HEART IS BEATING,

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BELINDA cont’d THE DRUM OF A NEW LAND I NEED TO EXPLORE. ADVENTURE THAT CAN’T BE DENIED: JUST OUTSIDE! JUST OUTSIDE… BUT THIS GARDEN’S BEAUTIFUL. THEY ALL ADORE ME. LIFE HERE IS SOMETHING YOU TRUST. TO CHANGE WOULD BE CRAZY… THEN I THINK OF OUR ALMOST, AND I KNOW I MUST. I MUST! JUST OUTSIDE IS PULLING ME OUT WITH BOLD COMMAND! JUST OUTSIDE, IT’S STRANGE AND ENTHRALLING THE RIVERS, THE JUNGLES, THE TOUCH OF HIS HAND. THE THOUGHT OF A LIFE WHERE NOTHING IS PLANNED. OUR NEW-FOUND LAND’S OPEN WIDE, JUST OUTSIDE.

(BELINDA exits. BARON enters. EDWIN enters, holding a pair of scissors.) EDWIN Roderick. BARON Edwin. EDWIN Have you seen Belinda? BARON Belinda? Why? EDWIN Oh. I’m in love with her. BARON Really? I thought “women are a needless distraction”?

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EDWIN Now who would say a pig-headed thing like… well, now I understand: women are only a needless distraction, if they don’t love you in return. BARON Then Belinda loves you? EDWIN She does, Roderick! Oh, I know you were expressing some vague intention of marrying her yourself. BARON Not anymore, Edwin. I love Clarissa. EDWIN Oh, thank goodness. And yet Belinda is frightened. She lives in a cage of beauty and hair. Someone needs to unlock her, that she may live and love completely. And that is why I have determined to clip one of Belinda’s ringlets. With these scissors! (EDWIN holds up his scissors) BARON But, Edwin! I’m on my way to do the same thing! For Clarissa. (BARON holds up his scissors) EDWIN Oh, by all means, then. Go ahead. But use my scissors. (EDWIN gives BARON his scissors.) BARON Thank you, brother. Your support means so much. (BARON and EDWIN hug) BARON cont’d And take my scissors. (BARON gives his scissors to EDWIN.) BARON cont’d If I should fail in my quest, you must complete it and give the lock to Miss Clarissa. EDWIN I will brother.

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(BARON and EDWIN hug again. They then hold up their scissors like drawn swords.)

Act I Finaletto EDWIN and BARON WE’VE DECAMPED IN ONE JOINT ENDEAVOR BARON TO VALIANTLY SEVER THE LOCK. EDWIN HERE AT HAMPTON, EDWIN and BARON HEAR OPPORTUNITY KNOCK! BARON NOW IS THE TIME: EDWIN TIME FOR OUR BOLD INTRIGUE, EDWIN and BARON WE’RE IN LEAGUE AT LAST. EDWIN SO BE FAST AND EAGER—

BARON FATIGUE WE BLAST— EDWIN and BARON WE’LL BE MASTER OF ONE FAIR RINGLET. EDWIN GO AND CUT IT IN TWAIN. BARON I VENTURE FORTH TO HER MANE.

(BELINDA wanders on. GENTLEMEN enter and surround her; EDWIN’s path to BELINDA is barred.)

EDWIN But the men—

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BARON ‘TWILL BE MINE! EDWIN But, I mean— BARON NO DELAY! EDWIN But men are blocking the way! BARON Men! Ha! I know how to deal with them! You’ll cut the lock. Now hide while I create a diversion. EDWIN (to audience) Such nobility! Such valor!

(EDWIN and the BARON hug again)

EDWIN cont’d (to audience) My brother!

(EDWIN hides.) BARON Gentlemen, I have some delightful news! Tea is served. GENTLEMEN Oooo!

LORD LITTLEWIT But it’s only three. Tea isn’t ‘til four. BARON Why, that’s the delightful news; it’s early. INCONSTANTINE Oooo! SIR FLITTYBUD What will they think of next?!

(BARON escorts GENTLEMEN out. CLARISSA enters, hides, and watches as EDWIN sneaks up to BELINDA slowly, scissors poised.)

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EDWIN HAND: HOLD STEADY, FREEDOM AND LOVE NEARLY HERE IN MY GRIP. SCISSORS READY, CHANGING OUR LIVES WITH A SNIP.

(SYLPHS enter and see BELINDA in danger.) AVIA Horror! ESTHER Peril! ARIELLA Scissors!

AVIA Girls. I’m going up the nose!

ARIELLA Not up the Nose!

AVIA It is the only way!

(AVIA flies up EDWIN’s nose, just as he is about to cut “Beatrice.”) EDWIN Achoo!

(EDWIN sneezes, sending AVIA flying across the stage. BELINDA turns and sees him. Unable to hide, he holds the scissors behind his back and smiles. BELINDA and EDWIN are entranced in each other’s gaze.)

BELINDA Hello, Mr. Shearing. It’s so good to see you. EDWIN Oh… yes… likewise.

(The GNOMES enter, carrying an enormous fire bellows. While EDWIN and BELINDA are talking, the GNOMES gleefully, they begin pumping the bellows, blowing the SYLPHS, who struggle to stay onstage.)

BELINDA Such a lovely day, don’t you think.

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EDWIN Yes, the sun is so high in your eyes… the sky. BELINDA Edwin, would you show me that pocket globe? EDWIN Gladly.

(EDWIN leads BELINDA toward a bench. By this time, the GNOMES have successfully blown the SYLPHS offstage and follow them out)

EDWIN cont’d Ever since our chat I’ve been looking at India. There it is! It looks so easy to get to at this scale. CLARISSA Oh, for goodness’ sake!

(CLARISSA takes EDWIN’s scissors, walks up behind BELINDA, and cuts the lock herself, quickly and without difficulty.) BEATRICE

Eek!

(BARON enters and sees it happen. CLARISSA shoots him an “I guess I’m on my own” look and exits.) (BELINDA hearing “Beatrice” squeak, realizes that something is wrong. The void closes in around her, and she is left alone in a spotlight. She calls out to her favorite lock.)

BELINDA

BEATRICE! (Silence. No reply from “Beatrice”) BELINDA cont’d (a blood-curdling scream) BEATRICE!!!!!! (Blackout)

End of ACT I

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ENTR’ACTE To the heavy, minor strains of the “Hair Song,” BELINDA crosses, horrified and completely undone by the loss of “Beatrice.” BELINDA wears a black ribbon where “Beatrice” used to be. MAIDENS enter and watch her. Abruptly, the tone shifts to one of frivolity, as we find ourselves in… ACT II, SCENE 1 Hampton Court gardens. Three o’clock. MAIDENS celebrate. Ha Ha, Tee Hee MADELINE and KATHERINE IT’S TRUE! GERTRUDE HA HA! MADELINE and KATHERINE IT’S TRUE! GERTRUDE HA HA! MADELINE and KATHERINE AND AFTER ALL THIS BROUHAHA, WE HAVE OUR LIFE ANEW GERTRUDE HA HA! MADELINE SO HA- GERTRUDE and KATHERINE HA HA! MADELINE LELU- GERTRUDE and KATHERINE HA HA! MADELINE, KATHERINE, and GERTRUDE THE BROUHAHA IS THROUGH (HA HA!) SO HALELUJAH! HA HA HA! GERTRUDE A DASH, MADELINE A FLASH,

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KATHERINE AND ALL THE AIR WAS SCISSORY. MADELINE A STREAK, KATHERINE A SHRIEK, GERTRUDE AND ENDED IS OUR MISERY. KATHERINE THOUGH NONE WAS EVER FLIRTIER GERTRUDE WITH EVERY SINGLE COURTIER, MADELINE HER SPELL’S AT LAST BEEN BROKEN, AND WE LAUGH AT HER NEW COIF! GERTRUDE HA HA HA HA! KATHERINE TEE HE HE HE! GERTRUDE and MADELINE HA HA HA HA! KATHERINE TEE HE! (GENTLEMEN enter.) LORD LITTLEWIT It’s an outrage! SIR INCONSTANTINE It’s a travesty of justice! SIR FLITTYBUD Yes! Yes! Why did they tea at three? LORD LITTLEWIT Not that, Flittybud! Not that! Belinda and Beatrice, you know.

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SIR INCONSTANTINE They have had a terrible falling out! LORD LITTLEWIT It’s a tragedy, Flittybud! SIR FLITTYBUD Just so. Just so. No more thoughts of tea. We must find the culprit! LORD LITTLEWIT That’s the spirit, Flittybud. We must not rest until that lock of hair is on Belinda’s head once more! SIR FLITTYBUD How will that work? SIR INCONSTANTINE Never mind that! Come! GENTLEMEN WE GO (HO! HO!) AND SO (HO! HO!) LORD LITTLEWIT WE RALLY! INCONSTANTINE DO NOT DALLY! SIR FLITTYBUD NOW IT’S GENTLEMEN TALLY HO HO! WE RALLY! TALLY HO! GERTRUDE HA HA HA HA!

(MAIDENS powder and primp. GENTLEMEN prepare for the hunt. CLARISSA enters and observes.)

MAIDENS GENTLEMEN IT’S TRUE! HA HA! WE GO! IT’S TRUE! HA HA! HO! HO! AND AFTER ALL THIS BROUHAHA, AND SO (HO! HO!) WE HAVE OUR LIFE ANEW! HA HA! WE RALLY, DO NOT DALLY.

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MAIDENS cont’d GENTLEMEN cont’d SO HA! HA! HA-LELU! HA HA! NOW IT’S TALLY HO! HO! THE BROUHAHA WE RALLY! IS THROUGH! HA HA! TALLY SO HALELUJAH HA! HO! HA HA! GERTRUDE Ladies, our men are unencumbered at last! KATHERINE They’re sure to return to us now. MADELINE Let us prepare to receive them!

(MAIDENS find GENTLEMEN and approach, open-armed. GENTLEMEN rush past.)

SIR INCONSTANTINE For God! LORD LITTLEWIT For honor! GENTLEMEN For Belinda! (GENTLEMEN exit. MAIDENS are desolate.) MADELINE (weepy) Sir Flittybud? KATHERINE The scoundrels! GERTRUDE (venomous) Belinda. MADELINE What did I do wrong? Did I need more rouge? KATHERINE Any more, and you’d have been a tomato. GERTRUDE Come on, ladies. There’s bound to be a good man somewhere. We haven’t tried Bulgaria.

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(MAIDENS exit.) CLARISSA But what went wrong? The world runs in reverse! For though I won, my prospect’s getting worse. I seem to have increased Belinda’s fame And made this lock a martyr to her name. (CLARISSA takes “Beatrice” out of a pouch.) BEATRICE (Screaming) BEWINDA! BEWINDA! BEWINDA! BEWINDA! (CLARISSA quickly squeezes “Beatrice” tight with both hands.) BEATRICE (Muffled) Bwin-a. Bwin-a. Bwin-a.

(CLARISSA shoves “Beatrice” back in the pouch and ties the string tight, looking around to make sure no one heard.)

CLARISSA It isn’t safe to linger. They’re allied And out for blood. I need to go and hide. Let me again be something they ignore. It’s strange how much I want things as before. (CLARISSA exits)

(TRANSITION: Time has passed, and it is now six o’clock.)

(BELINDA enters, distraught. SYLPHS enter behind her, also distraught. GNOMES enter, proud.)

UMBRIEL So ladies. CALEB Looks like we has turned the worm on you’s after all. ESTHER For once, Caleb, I’m not interested in your worm. BARNEY We is very sorry— UMBRIEL No we isn’t! We’s excited.

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AVIA Don’t you see what you’ve done? With Belinda’s hair cut, we’re beginning to fade away! UMBRIEL Look the same to me. AVIA Our strength, our very essence is waning. UMBRIEL Come off it! You was see-through then, you’s see-through now. ARIELLA No soul can ever rebuild that perfect beauty! (BELINDA, sobbing silently, blows her nose in her sleeve) ESTHER She has lost her faith, her trust. AVIA Her very connection to our realm. ARIELLA It’s all your fault! AVIA Oh, if only Zeus could appear to return the lock. BARNEY What if I could help? UMBRIEL What? Barney, remember the goal! We helps steal the lock, the world turn into madness, we is glorified by gnomes everywhere. BARNEY I wants to help. CALEB But Barney, our chance at gnome-bility! BARNEY I has to help. ARIELLA How?

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BARNEY I knows, deep underground, of a magic adhesive… UMBRIEL (trepidatious) Wait. Not… AVIA Go on... BARNEY It can repair anything, even a cut lock of hair. CALEB No, Barney, you can’t be thinking… BARNEY I will venture to the Grotto of Glue. CALEB and UMBRIEL Barney, no! UMBRIEL Not the Grotto of Glue! Oh, Barney, this gives me horrible clams! CALEB Qualms! BARNEY Sorry, mates. I isn’t suggestin’ you’s to come along, but I has to go for the sake of Miss Ariella… my beloved. (ALL react to this revelation) ESTHER How romantic. CALEB (to UMBRIEL) He’s puffy in the heart and fluffy in the head.

(As BARNEY speaks, he gains gravitas, finally achieving the grandeur of inspirational oratory)

BARNEY Me mates, I has to go. Me wits and warts Demands it. So no naysayin’, be not A-blockin’. There’s somfin’ bigger than meself That gives me inner imp the impetus. If on me way I plunks or perishes,

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BARNEY cont’d ‘Twas all for me beloved Ariella; A noble end, a gnomely noble aim. So pat me hat, be wishin’ me well, me friends, Gnomerades, and allies in rapscallionry. I goes for all of us—and her. I goes. ARIELLA Oh, Barney! CALEB (sobbing) I’s comin’ along. ESTHER Oh, Caleb! UMBRIEL All right. Me too. BARNEY Fellas! It’ll be good to have you’s along! CALEB Glory ain’t nothin’ to friendship. UMBRIEL We is allies to the end! BARNEY Miss Ariella, I will return wif me bounty, or I’ll not come back at all. Tally-ho then, lads.

(BARNEY bows to ARIELLA with his best attempt at a stately flourish. GNOMES start to exit.)

(GNOMES are gone, but the drumbeat continues in the distance.)

ARIELLA Sylphs, do you think we should follow them out and wave them goodbye as they depart? ESTHER It is only right. And I do like to look at them from behind. ARIELLA Let’s go. (ARIELLA and ESTHER exit in the direction of GNOMES.)

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AVIA Sylphs! Sylphs! (snaps her fingers) Sylphs! (snaps again... shrugs) Ah well.

(AVIA exits in the same direction as ARIELLA and ESTHER.) (EDWIN enters)

EDWIN I used to think, and therefore I was, I thought. Now, I feel my being… And all in one afternoon. A pleasant conversation, no ulterior motives. Then, with a slight change of her expression, you notice the luster of her cheeks. Then, the indenting dimple, like a drawn-back arrow. The hint of a smile, and you realize it’s a catapult. Next the smile bursts forth! There is no recovery… Was she charming by design? Seduction is so seductive, both to the seduced and to the seducer. Or was I the seducer? Is it the very fact she seemed seduced that so seduced me? It is a chicken-and-egg mystery…. All I know is that I must find her.

(BELINDA enters.)

EDWIN cont’d Belinda! I’ve been trying to find you ever since your ran away— BELINDA Talk to me, Edwin, but please don’t look at me.

(EDWIN obediently turns away.) BELINDA cont’d Edwin, did you manage to see who took Beatrice? EDWIN I’m afraid not. Are you sure I can’t look at you? BELINDA I’m lop-sided. EDWIN Don’t be silly. BELINDA I am silly. Beatrice made me delightful; now, I’m frivolous. EDWIN Beatrice held you captive; now, you’re free. BELINDA (flood gates opening) Free to do what? This morning, I had my whole life before me.

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EDWIN So now you can do something! BELINDA NO! The moment that thought entered my mind, this happened. Nothing is worth that price. EDWIN (turns to her, stung) Nothing? BELINDA My life is over. EDWIN If it’s that important, grow her back! BELINDA Hair doesn’t just grow back!!! EDWIN You’re being ridiculous. BELINDA No, Edwin, I’m dying! It took three years of love to nurture Beatrice. By the time I grow another lock, I will be three years older, with wrinkles and jiggles; she might even come out gray! EDWIN Honestly! It was just a bit of hair. There’s a human being standing right in front of you. Carpe diem! Stop being trivial. BELINDA I’m trivial? I’m trivial? Someone I know runs into a little world of books to pretend he’s somewhere else. EDWIN I’ve seen enough of the world to know that it’s better in my imagination. (beat) This conversation, for example. BELINDA Your world isn’t your imagination at all; it’s a land of someone else’s scribblings. EDWIN It becomes my world when I read it. I can share in it. Oh—share—do you need a definition of that word? BELINDA Mr. Shearing, I asked you not to look at me. (EDWIN furiously turns away)

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EDWIN I thought there was more to you. BELINDA There was. (BELINDA turns to go, then stops.) BELINDA cont’d Good day, Sir, I take of you my leave. Since you see fit our couplehood to cleave, I leave this couplet open for you… orange. Ha! (BELINDA exits. EDWIN struggles to complete the verse.) EDWIN I know our next discussion will bring more-enj… Oyment for us both. As soon as you admit… That recently you acted like a twit. Ha!

(BARON enters) EDWIN cont’d Women and books are the same; they say whatever they want to you, no matter what you say to them. At least you can shut a book. BARON What happened to you? EDWIN Belinda misses her silly lock, and I couldn’t console her. She became quite unreasonable… or I did; I couldn’t tell. Roderick, you have to treat these women very carefully, or they get all upset. BARON And why shouldn’t they? It’s our duty as men to take care of women. If we don’t, they might take care of themselves. EDWIN They just would, wouldn’t they! They don’t realize how necessary we are. BARON And how can you blame them, when we don’t have the opportunity to prove ourselves? EDWIN What happened to you?

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BARON Why, after I swore to cut the lock for Clarissa, she had to cut it herself. She was counting on me, and I failed her! EDWIN Clarissa cut the lock? BARON Don’t tell Belinda. EDWIN Oh, I won’t. Get involved in the affairs of not one, but two women? BARON Now, Edwin. Women are perfectly manageable as long as we protect them from the harshness of life. A Delicate Thing BARON cont’d A WOMAN’S A DELICATE THING. SHE’S JUST FRAGILE.

EDWIN TEMPERMENTAL! HER EMOTIONS ARE LIKELY TO SWING, SO BE WARY BARON JUST BE GENTLE. DON’T BE FOOLED BY HER POISE; SHE’S IN NEED OF OUR AID. EDWIN FROM THE MENTION OF TENSION, HER NERVES WILL BE FRAYED. IF SHE LOSES A BRAID, SHE’S DISTRAUGHT AND UNWELL. BARON WELL, A WOMAN’S A DELICATE THING.

BARON and EDWIN A WOMAN’S A DELICATE THING.

EDWIN AWFULLY TOUCHY.

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BARON WHEN SHE’S TEARFUL, YOU MUST NESTLE HER UNDER YOUR WING.

EDWIN DO IT WRONG, AND GET AN EARFUL. SHE GROWS ANGRY AT JOKES, DOESN’T GET THEM AT ALL! BARON IF SHE DOES SOMETHING WRONG, MEN MUST STILL TAKE THE FALL. TO HER AID UP WE SPRING! EDWIN MEN GO CRAWLING THROUGH HELL, BARON and EDWIN ALL FOR WOMAN, THAT DELICATE THING. BUT, FOR SUCH A DELICATE FLOWER, SHE HAS POWER, MYSTIC WAYS. BARON WE SURROUND THAT DELICATE CREATURE TO BESEECH HER FOR HER PRAISE. BARON and EDWIN OUR WHOLE FORTUNE SEEMS TO FALL OR RISE UPON THE LOOK WITHIN HER EYES EDWIN AND IF SHE TELLS US WE WERE RUDE, WE BROOD FOR DAYS AND DAYS. (They make a stunning realization and look at each other) BARON and EDWIN FOR A MAN IS A DELICATE THING.

BARON WHAT IS WEAKER?

EDWIN WHAT IS SILLIER?

BARON TO THE COMFORT SHE OFFERS WE CLING,

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BARON cont’d FOR DEAR LIFE!

EDWIN SOUNDS FAMILIAR. EDWIN and BARON THOUGH A MAN IS RUGGED, ROBUST MUSCLE MASS, SEE HIM CRUMBLE, ALAS, AT THE SIGHT OF A LASS. EDWIN AND HIS HANDS START TO WRING. BARON SHE HAS SHATTERED HIS SHELL. BARON and EDWIN FOR A FELLA’S A DELICATE THING. WE ARE TIMID AND SHY AND UNVERSED IN THEIR ARTS; LET LADIES BE GENTLE WITH GENTLEMEN’S HEARTS. IT’S SURPRISING, THE GLEE, WHEN YOU’RE FINALLY FREE TO LET HER PULL THE STRING; WHY REBEL? FOR A MAN IS A DELICATE, DELICATE THING… A MAN IS A DELICATE THING!

(TRANSITION: Time passes. It is now early evening.) ACT II, SCENE 2 The air in front of the early evening moon. Twilight. SYLPHS wait. While He’s Away ESTHER DO YOU THINK THEY’RE NEARLY THERE YET? ARIELLA I’M SURE THEY ARE. ESTHER ARIELLA I’M SURE THEY’RE SAFE AND SOUND, MY BARNEY’S BRAVE. UNDER GROUND.

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AVIA (to herself) DON’T I PUT A FORCEFUL FACE ON? MY KNEES ARE WEAK; I LONG TO TELL MY SECRET. OH, UMBRIEL! I LOVE HIM! BUT NO, I CAN’T. I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES…. ESTHER DO YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY BACK? ARIELLA I HOPE! ESTHER ME TOO! ARIELLA I’LL WAIT… ESTHER WE’LL WAIT. AVIA OH, UMBRIEL! ESTHER ARIELLA WE’LL WAIT. WHILE THEY’RE AWAY. AVIA ESTHER ARIELLA TO BE ALONE WITH HIM! THEN I’D BE FREE TO LOVE HIM CALEB! I LOVE HIM BARNEY! I LOVE HIM AVIA BUT NO, I HAVE A ROLE, AND LOVE CAN’T INTERFERE. AVIA ESTHER ARIELLA AH WHILE THEY’RE AWAY… WHILE THEY’RE AWAY, AH WHILE THEY’RE AWAY… WE’LL PRAY AH ‘TIL THEY RETURN AH TO STAY. AVIA NO HARM IN AN IDLE DAYDREAM.

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AVIA ESTHER ARIELLA NO, NO WHILE THEY’RE AWAY, WE’LL DREAM OF THEM. HARM. I KNOW THAT THAT’S THE THEY’LL BE BACK TODAY. PART FOR US MY LOVE! TO PLAY. MY LOVE! MY CALEB, MY BARNEY, MY LOVE! THE GNOME I LOVE! MY BARNEY, MY LOVE! AH CALEB’S SO STRONG. SO STRONG. ESTHER and ARIELLA HE’S SO LOW AND LUMBERY, AVIA OH, UMBRIEL! ESTHER and ARIELLA WITH SO MUCH HAIR! AVIA I WISH I WERE FREE TO LOVE HIM… THESE FEW HOURS I MAY: I’M FREE TO THINK OF HIM, WHILE HE’S AWAY. ESTHER and ARIELLA WHILE HE’S AWAY. ACT II, SCENE 3 Hampton Court gardens. Evening. CLARISSA enters, furtively. (CLARISSA looks at the pouch holding “Beatrice,” which is quiet. She unties the

pouch and looks inside. Immediately, the lock screams.) BEATRICE BEWINDA! BEWINDA! CLARISSA Shhh! BEATRICE BEWINDA!

(CLARISSA shuts the pouch. BEATRICE is quiet. GENTLEMEN enter.) LORD LITTLEWIT (Menacingly) Ah, Miss Evers. CLARISSA Ah, Lord Littlewit.

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LORD LITTLEWIT As you may know, we have been instituting inquiries into Miss Belinda’s missing lock of hair. INCONSTANTINE And we distinctly heard a suspicious noise from this area of the gardens. CLARISSA Sir Inconstantine! Now why would I, a meek young woman of principles—

(GENTLEMEN corner her. BARON enters, unseen.) LORD LITTLEWIT Miss Evers, show us what is behind your back. INCONSTANTINE I warn you; we are armed with pocket watches. (INCONSTANTINE swings his watch like a mace.) SIR FLITTYBUD And flora.

(SIR FLITTYBUD brandishes his flower like a sword. BARON sneaks up behind CLARISSA and takes the lock from her.)

BARON Leave the lady alone. I have the lock. SIR FLITTYBUD My lord! Why, what the devil! INCONSTANTINE Scurvy knave! CLARISSA But Baron, you didn’t— BARON Don’t defend me, Miss Evers. INCONSTANTINE Then hand it over, and prepare to suffer for your crime. LORD LITTLEWIT We will inscribe “Thief of Locks” upon your flesh… (wielding his quill) does anyone have some ink?

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BARON I will, of course, be prepared to fight.

(This takes the wind out of the GENTLEMEN’s sails. They recoil in horror and fear.)

INCONSTANTINE Oh… oh dear. LORD LITTLEWIT Now, let’s not be rash, Baron. BARON Do you shrink? SIR FLITTYBUD It’s only… a skirmish would take a dashed toll on my coiffure.

(BARON advances on them, powerfully.) BARON Then into the maze with you, gutless milksops!

(BARON chases GENTLEMEN into the maze. He returns the pouch to CLARISSA.)

BARON It should be an hour or two before they find their way out. CLARISSA Thank you Baron. I am truly in your debt. BARON No, Miss Evers. I am in yours. CLARISSA Always such gallantry, but I have done nothing but get you chasing after a lock of hair I was perfectly capable of taking myself. BARON You have changed everything. CLARISSA I have changed nothing. BARON Everything you do has an effect.

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CLARISSA Yes. I nearly got you flower-slapped by some marauding fops… who I should probably hide from now. BARON An effect you may not be aware of. CLARISSA The act was small, the effect was smaller. BARON Miss Evers, please accept a compliment. By the Light of Your Love BARON cont’d I NEVER SAW THE SPLENDORS OF THE NIGHT THAT WAIT BEHIND THE STUNNING BLUE OF NOON; I SEIZED THE DAY TOO SOON. BUT NOW, I ADJUST TO THE LIGHT, AND I SIGHT CONSTELLATIONS. THOUGH MOST OF THEM FADE IN THE SUN, YET ONE SHINES MORE TRUE. AND I SEE THROUGH THE SUNBEAMS TO YOU. CLARISSA I STOOD BEHIND THE SHADOW OF THE SUN; AND NOTHING ELSE BUT DARKNESS COULD I FIND. WAS IT REAL OR IN MY MIND? BUT NOW ALL MY VISION IS BACK, AND THE BLACK DOESN’T BLIND ME. I BEGIN TO DISTINGUISH A GLOW, BELOW AND ABOVE. I CAN SEE BY THE LIGHT OF YOUR LOVE. BARON WHAT SUN COULD EVER HOPE TO MATCH THE SUBTLETY OF STARLIGHT? SOON, AUDACIOUS DAY BURNS OUT, AND ALL THE STARS AT LAST CAN SHINE. CLARISSA WHAT MOMENT COULD COMPARE TO THIS? BARON THIS TWILIGHT.

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CLARISSA THIS AURORA. BARON and CLARISSA NOW I GLIMPSE THE THINGS I USED TO MISS AND KNOW THEY’LL SOON BE MINE. SO DID GALILEO GAZE THE FIRST TIME AT THE STARS. SO DID HE AND VENUS STARE WHEN FIRST THEY LOOKED ON MARS. BARON AS IN THOSE DAYS, SO NOW I STARE. CLARISSA SO NOW I LOOK, BARON and CLARISSA AND NOW I GAZE… CLARISSA BARON AND NOW, I SEE JUST WHAT I SOUGHT NOW I SEE JUST WHAT HOW I HOPED IT EXISTED. I HOPED EXISTED. BARON and CLARISSA BEFORE YOU WERE ONLY A THOUGHT, BUT NOW, YOU GROW BRIGHT. BARON Miss Evers, may I? CLARISSA Yes.

(BARON clips a lock of CLARISSA’s hair.) BARON and CLARISSA NOW I CAN SEE BY THE LIGHT OF YOUR LOVE.

(They kiss. The BARON freezes. CLARISSA addresses the audience, giddily.) CLARISSA And you thought, “poor Clarissa.” Don’t pretend You didn’t. Don’t deny it, but suspend Your dismal judgments; be not grim; unbend! For pessimism is a tedious trend, A school of thought I cannot comprehend.

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CLARISSA cont’d But let it go! My dreary days extend No more. The afternoon is but spilt milk; This evening brought my knight in shining silk. My Baron! He’s indeed a man of mind, But lively too, and brave but yet refined, A man of feeling, plus the evident: To look at him is not a punishment. So be instructed by my fortune’s bloom, And, next time, sink not quite so quick to gloom. Fate smiles when she concludes her little game With us, and we, in thanks must do the same. (CLARISSA and the BARON exit together.) ACT II, SCENE 4 Another part of the Hampton Court gardens. Night. SYLPHS are waiting.

GNOME’s music is heard. ARIELLA I think they’re coming! I think I hear them! ESTHER They are! They’re coming! ARIELLA Esther, Avia, when they arrive, ought we to applaud? AVIA It couldn’t do any harm… ESTHER Here they come! (GNOMES enter.) (SYLPHS applaud) BARNEY Miss Ariella, I has done what you bids me. Deep we ventured into the Grotto of Glue to bring back this Mighty Epoxy.

ARIELLA How brave you all have been, especially you, Mr. Barney, I’m sure. ESTHER But Ariella, what about Caleb. I’m sure Caleb was exceedingly brave too.

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AVIA Brave as they all were, it is time for them to hand over the Adhesive. (BARNEY gives ARIELLA the vial.) BARNEY Here, then, is the vial of glue. ARIELLA Thank you, my knight. You are brave. ESTHER (to CALEB) You are strong. AVIA (to UMBRIEL) You may go.

(GNOMES exit.)

(SYLPHS exit. BELINDA enters, upset. Separately, EDWIN enters) EDWIN Belinda, I hope you’ve — BELINDA (Correcting him) Miss Fermor, please. EDWIN Miss Fermor. I hope you’ve calmed down and had a chance to think things over. BELINDA Think? I thought you wanted to think for me. “ha Ha.” “You’re being ridiculous.” EDWIN I hoped that being without your little friend might help you grow up a bit! BELINDA (indignant) You had hoped? For Beatrice to be cut? EDWIN Well-- BELINDA How could you hope for that? EDWIN Belinda--

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BELINDA Miss Fermor! EDWIN I… you… but… oh! (so exasperated, he is unable to come up with any words)

(The BARON enters and goes to EDWIN) BARON Brother! I have wonderful news. My life—

(The BARON perceives that he is interrupting) BARON cont’d Oh, I’m sorry. I see I’m interrupting— BELINDA (Formally) No, please stay, good Baron, I’ve been looking for you. BARON Yes, of course, Miss Fermor. BELINDA Miss Fermor. (Nasty glance at EDWIN) Yes. EDWIN But— BELINDA Thank you for your perceptive thoughts, Mr. Shearing. They’ve been most helpful to me in my decision. EDWIN Your decision? BELINDA Yes. To accept your brother’s kind offer of marriage. (unenthusiastic, but resolved) Baron, I am prepared to make you happy. EDWIN What?! BARON Oh…. (BELINDA rips out a single hair with a wince)

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BELINDA Ow! EDWIN What?!!!

(BELINDA gives the strand to BARON.) BELINDA There. EDWIN Come, come!!! BELINDA I should think you’d be pleased, Mr. Shearing! Everyone has been telling me to seize the day. Carpe diem. I looked it up; it’s Latin. Your good brother, my future husband, seized the day earlier when he begged for my hand, and now I seize the day myself and give my hand to him. (SYLPHS enter and perceive this new turn in shock) SYLPHS Horror! BELINDA Look how happy we are. EDWIN But— BELINDA Off you go to the library, back into your books. My fiancé and I must reflect on our happiness.

(EDWIN waits in disbelief. BELINDA takes the BARON’s arm and forces a smile. EDWIN exits.)

BARON (in shock) My dear. I am honored. I— BELINDA Yes, off you go as well, to reflect on our happiness… by yourself. BARON Of course… beloved.

(BARON exits)

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BELINDA JUST OUTSIDE, HIS HEART IS BEATING, THE DRUM OF NEW LAND THAT MUST BE DENIED. LOVE IS JUST OUTSIDE. ARIELLA No! AVIA If Belinda marries, she can never become a fairy! ARIELLA And if the hair remains detached, we will be forever weakened! AVIA Esther! Quick! Open the glue! (ESTHER tries, but can’t uncork the vial.) ESTHER (winded) I can’t open it. AVIA Give it to me. We must restore her to what she was. (AVIA can’t open the vial either) AVIA Everyone! SYLPHS Heeeeeeeeeeave! … Heeeeeeeeeeave! … Heeeeeeeeeeeave!

(BELINDA exits. SYLPHS cannot open the vial and collapse, exhausted) AVIA

What do we do now? ARIELLA But what have we ever done? ESTHER What?

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ARIELLA I’m starting to think we don’t have any power at all. We can’t open the vial. We didn’t prevent Belinda’s hair from being cut, let alone stop her from falling in love with a man. AVIA Blasphemy! We have great influence. Like all sylphs, we are delicate, but we are not weak. ARIELLA We’re invisible—and we’ve always been. Belinda doesn’t realize we’re here. No one does. To them we’re less than a passing breeze. AVIA We’re invisible… ARIELLA Do we even exist at all? ESTHER We might be figments of our own imagination. AVIA I don’t want to be invisible.

(AVIA waves her hand in front of ESTHER.) ESTHER I can see you. ARIELLA And the gnomes notice us. ESTHER And Belinda will be fine. AVIA She’s always fine… (SYLPHS consider this) ESTHER There is a sort of freedom in being utterly useless. AVIA (After a moment’s thought) Esther, which way did the gnomes go? ESTHER Between the second and third hedge to the right of the rustic fountain. Or something. Why?

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AVIA Oh, nothing… (contrived) My, such a lovely tulip blossom over there, between the second and third hedge to the right of the rustic fountain by where the gnomes went. I hadn’t noticed it before. ARIELLA It’s strange Avia. I was feeling so weak, but now, I think about the gnomes, and I feel stronger than ever. AVIA Let’s go!

(SYLPHS exit after GNOMES, leaving the vial of spleen on a hedge. EDWIN enters.)

Out of the Bay EDWIN MARRY MY BROTHER! WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? WAS SHE THINKING? HOW COULD SHE EVER BE THINKING OF SINKING TO MARRY MY BROTHER? DO THAT TO ME? DO THAT TO HER? PASSION’S A FEELING YOU CANNOT DEFER, SO DON’T LET IT TAKE FLIGHT! AND, BESIDES, BE POLITE; I MEAN, WHO MARRIES BROTHERS? THAT’S NOT A THING PEOPLE DO! ONE BROTHER DOES NOT STAND IN LIEU OF ANOTHER. IT’S BLATHER! BOTHER! BROTHER! AND SPEAKING OF BROTHERS, I WANT TO THROTTLE HIM ‘TIL HE TURNS BLUE. BUT, MOST OF ALL, LEST IT BE FORGOT, I WANT TO THROTTLE HER TOO! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LOVE ME?!!! I CAN’T RETURN TO WHAT I WAS. A HEART CANNOT CLOSE ONCE IT OPENS. OFF TO THE EAST, INTO MY SOUL, NO CONTROL. I’M OUT ON OPEN SEA, AND MY VESSEL IS STARTING TO SWAY. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAIL,

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EDWIN cont’d OR A GUST FROM A GALE, BUT I’LL JUST HAVE TO LEARN ON THE WAY. NO MORE SHELTER OR SAFETY; I’M OUT OF THE BAY. AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M BOUND, BUT THE UNKNOWN’S LOST ITS DREAD. LET ME JUST TAKE THE WAVES AS THEY COME, AND WHETHER THE NIGHT OR THE MORNING IS RED, GOODBYE TO THE BAY; I’M PLOWING AHEAD. I WON’T SIT AROUND, IN THOSE OLD COZY NOOKS, READING SOMEONE ELSE’S GLORY. I’M THROUGH BEING BOUND BY THE BINDING OF BOOKS. I’LL LIVE MY OWN STORY! AND I FINALLY FEEL THE WAVES, I FINALLY SMELL THE SPRAY. I AT LAST LAY MY EYES ON THE DISTANT HORIZON, NOW READY TO GREET A NEW DAY. AND I FINALLY CAN TAKE ANY ROUTE! AND I FINALLY CAN REVEL IN DOUBT! AND, AT LAST, I CAN THUNDEROUSLY SHOUT THAT I’M OUT OF THE BAY! I’M OFF TO MY HEART, AND I’M OUT OF THE BAY. ACT II, SCENE 5 Another part of the Hampton Court gardens. BARON enters, practicing

lines. BARON Clarissa, there’s something I have to tell you. You know your sister? (breaking character) Of course she knows her sister! (trying again) Clarissa, remember earlier today when you were helping me propose to Belinda? Well, I guess we make a good team. (breaking again) No, this is too abstract.

(BARON takes a flower and sticks it into the top of a hedge. Pretending it’s CLARISSA, he delivers his speech to the shrub-flower. Note: for this to work to maximum effect, the flower must have a long stem and a little bounce to it.)

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BARON cont’d Clarissa. What I have to tell you is very disturbing. You see, I’ve made a prior commitment, to your sister, and—please, Clarissa, don’t look at me like that. This is hard enough as it is!—No, I’m sorry, you have every right to— (EDWIN passes through, carrying his travel bag and a book.) EDWIN YOU! The fiend who dashed my every hope! BARON (to the hedge, before turning to EDWIN) Excuse me. EDWIN Before I leave this palace of broken dreams to wander the world, I want to tell you that you are a foul snake in the grass who slithers into people’s lives and jumps up and down on their hearts. BARON Wait; snakes don’t jump. EDWIN That was what I thought. Then I met you. BARON That doesn’t make any sense. EDWIN I don’t care. It’s what I feel. I’m feeling, Roderick! I’m feeling! I sail the high seas of impulse. BARON Well, can you get off the boat and help me figure out what to tell Clarissa? (BARON indicates the effigy) EDWIN Clarissa? Clarissa? At a time like this? (EDWIN yanks the flower out of the hedge.) BARON (in horror) Clarissa! EDWIN Damn Clarissa! (EDWIN jumps on the flower.)

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BARON No!

(BARON cradles the destroyed flower, whispering desperate words of final consolation.)

EDWIN My work is done here. I’m off! (EDWIN exits. BARON stands, now the soldier of old.) BARON Not before you answer for that!

(SIR FLITTYBUD wanders on. He spots the vial of glue on the hedge and examines it. Struck with an idea, he opens it, sprinkles some onto his palm, and rubs it into his hair as a pomade. However, he quickly finds that he can’t remove his hand from his hair. The moment of realization that his hand is forever joined with his hair may last for some time; he may go through the whole panoply of emotions from confusion to fear to desperation to despair to horror. With a final cry, he runs off.)

ACT II, SCENE 6 Another part of the Hampton Court Gardens. CLARISSA enters. BELINDA

soon enters, forlorn. She does not see CLARISSA. CLARISSA What joy are recent happy memories. I need no food, for I can live off these. But there’s Belinda, still submerged in grief. Would confessing to my theft bring her relief? If our bond ever is to be rebuilt. I need to face her and admit my guilt. (CLARISSA approaches BELINDA) CLARISSA cont’d You still miss Beatrice terribly, don’t you? BELINDA It’s more than that. CLARISSA Tell me. BELINDA I’ve given up my choices. I’ve given up my chance at love. My life will be nothing but a bland, slow decline.

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CLARISSA Nonsense! BELINDA What else can happen? CLARISSA You’ll become. BELINDA What? CLARISSA Right now, you’re like an egg. BELINDA (mortified, insecure) Wide in the middle?! CLARISSA Metaphorically. BELINDA Oh…. CLARISSA Think of an egg about to hatch. That egg is Potential; it can become anything—a robin, an ostrich, a turtle. But to begin the life of a turtle means that it will never fly like a robin. To become a robin means never running as fast as an ostrich. It wants to stay nestled in its shell, secure in infinite possibility. BELINDA But if it stayed an egg forever, it would never become anything. CLARISSA You’re that egg right now, all set to be born. While Belinda Sleeps (Reprise) BELINDA IT’S AS IF I’VE BEEN ASLEEP, FOR AWHILE, MAYBE A YEAR. CLARISSA BUT NOW, AT LAST, YOU’RE WAKING UP.

BELINDA THANK GOODNESS YOU’RE STILL HERE.

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CLARISSA I’LL ALWAYS BE. BELINDA I KNOW. MY DEAREST SISTER. CLARISSA YES… BUT— BELINDA I’VE REGAINED MY TRUEST FRIEND. CLARISSA YOU HAVE. BUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONFESS. BELINDA Clarissa, only tell me that you’ll stand by me. I know that I’ll survive my marriage, if you’re near. CLARISSA Marriage? I thought you’d given up on Edwin. BELINDA I have. I’ve accepted the Baron’s proposal. CLARISSA You what? BELINDA You told me to this morning. (CLARISSA is speechless in rage and horror) BELINDA cont’d What’s wrong, Clarissa? CLARISSA Roderick was mine! BELINDA He was? CLARISSA He saw me. He noticed me.

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BELINDA Then why did you tell me to accept him? CLARISSA But you couldn’t help taking him too. You can’t let me have any happiness to myself, can you? BELINDA But you said to! You have everything backwards! CLARISSA You’re the one who’s always looking in the mirror.

(EDWIN and BARON enter arguing. BARON holds EDWIN’s book out of his reach.)

EDWIN Give me back my book! BARON You shouldn’t have hit me with it. (suddenly realizing he’s in front of CLARISSA) Clarissa… CLARISSA (contemptuously) Oh, it’s your fiancé. BELINDA (To EDWIN) You again. EDWIN Belinda, you were right. BARON Clarissa, I didn’t mean to— BELINDA You didn’t mean? You seemed to when you proposed. BARON (trapped) Of course I did… then… I… EDWIN Belinda, please take me back! CLARISSA “Belinda, Belinda, Belinda!” You really have seduced them all, haven’t you! EDWIN (To CLARISSA, about BELINDA) Don’t talk to her like that.

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BARON (To EDWIN, about CLARISSA) Don’t talk to her like that. BELINDA (To CLARISSA) Maybe I didn’t have much competition!

(EDWIN and BARON back away. CLARISSA advances on BELINDA. Beat.) CLARISSA Maybe not, but I took Beatrice!

(CLARISSA holds up the lock.) BEATRICE

(feebly) Bewinda? BELINDA What? You? EDWIN Give it back to her!

(BELINDA turns on EDWIN, furious. Beat.)

BELINDA It? (Beat) EDWIN Well… BELINDA (To CLARISSA) You envious vixen! BARON Now really! Don’t call—

(BELINDA takes a hairpin out of her hair and attacks BARON.) BARON cont’d

Help!

(“Battle” Music begins. CLARISSA pulls out her own hairpin and defends BARON. BELINDA and CLARISSA duel.)

BELINDA Men! Men!

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(EDWIN steps in to hold CLARISSA off, but BARON holds him back. GENTLEMEN run on)

LORD LITTLEWIT What is it, fair Belinda? BELINDA (Pointing at CLARISSA) Clarissa is the thief! To arms! (GENTLEMEN hold out their arms.) BELINDA cont’d (correcting) To arms!

(GENTLEMEN get the point and brandish quills, flowers, and handkerchiefs.) INCONSTANTINE But the Baron said he did it. BELINDA Make him pay too! And Edwin while you’re at it! (turning on CLARISSA with her hairpin) Now meet thy fate. GENTLEMEN THERE’S NO ABSOLUTION, JUST RETRIBUTION! (GENTLEMEN close in on BARON and EDWIN. MAIDENS enter.) GERTRUDE Hold! These three have done no wrong. KATHERINE They have freed us! MADELEINE We should thank them. GENTLEMEN No, we will punish the scoundrels! MAIDENS Then we will defend them!

MAIDENS GENTLEMEN THOUGH YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE BRAVER, DO NOT THINK YOU’LL DEFEND THE ROGUES OUR DEFENSE WILL NEVER WAVER! PRETTY SOON, WE’LL UPEND THE ROGUES! THESE LAST PAINLESS MOMENTS SAVOR. STEP ASIDE; DON’T BEFRIEND THE ROGUES!

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MAIDENS cont’d GENTLEMEN cont’d ALL YOUR STAND YOU CLEAR! FORCES WILL BE MET WE DON’T FEAR YOUR THREAT SO NOW GET SET… CHARGE! SO NOW GET SET… CHARGE!

(MAIDENS battle GENTLEMEN, CLARISSA battles BELINDA, and EDWIN battles BARON. They use hairpins, quills, and handkerchiefs as their weapons and tea saucers as their shields. EDWIN and BARON borrow violin bows from the orchestra and duel.) (SERVING MAID brings out a tray with teacups and rings a bell. Music stops. ALL take a tea break. After a few sips, they put down their teacups, the servant rings the bell, and music and battle resume.) (Soon, all collapse in exhaustion, except for BELINDA and CLARISSA. BELINDA corners CLARISSA and begins poking her.)

BELINDA Let me have it! Let me have it, I say! Restore the lock! GENTLEMEN (from the floor) Restore the lock! CLARISSA (weakening) Yes… (checking her purse) But I don’t know where it is…

(BELINDA backs CLARISSA into a corner, prodding her stomach with a hairpin.) BELINDA Let me have it, or else! GENTLEMEN (From floor) Let her have it, or else!

(CLARISSA desperately searches her purse) CLARISSA But where is it? I had it a minute ago.

(A clap of thunder, and ZEUS enters. All step back in awe.)

ALL Father Zeus!

(ZEUS removes BELINDA’s lock from his own pocket and holds it up.)

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Zeus’s Song ZEUS YE MORTALS, CEASE DISPUTE; DO NOT EMBROIL. OLYMPUS IS THIS RINGLET’S NATIVE SOIL. THIS HAIR WAS MERELY BORROWED FROM THE GODS. ON EARTH, IT ONLY SETS VAIN MEN AT ODDS. WHERE NONE CAN HOPE TO REACH IT, IT MUST LIVE, AND YET TO ALL ITS RADIANCE IT MUST GIVE. A CONSTELLATION ON TH’AETHERIAL STAGE, NOW ALL WILL PRAISE THIS LOCK THROUGH EVERY AGE. SO GO, YE LOCK, IMMORTAL, TO THE SKY, AND MORTALS ALL, I BID YE NOW GOODBYE.

(ZEUS lets go of the lock, and it flies up to the sky. Another clap of thunder, and the lock of hair joins the twinkling stars as a constellation of its own. ZEUS exits. All stand, speechless.)

BELINDA Well… it is certainly nice of Zeus to take an interest in my hair. CLARISSA Belinda, I’m so sorry for cutting Beatrice. BELINDA It may not have been nice, but it was probably for the best. Zeus was right; Beatrice was too perfect for this world. And now, she will be safely up in the sky, always a reminder of my earlier days, forever. BEATRICE… (The orchestra answers for the lock, as the stars twinkle. The duet resolves.) CLARISSA She will shine for all to see, an eternal symbol of your youth. BELINDA I can even grow a gray hair. I think I’d rather experience life than be perfect. BARON I’m far from perfect, but I’ll make you the best husband I can. BELINDA Oh no, Baron. I didn’t know of your understanding with my step-sister. I release you.

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CLARISSA Belinda! BARON (to BELINDA) Thank you. CLARISSA (filled with gratitude) I don’t deserve it. Can you forgive me so easily? BELINDA Triviality has its advantages. CLARISSA Forgiveness is never trivial. BELINDA Besides, if I’m going to have an imperfect husband, I want it to be Edwin. EDWIN Belind— Miss Ferm— darling!

(EDWIN runs to BELINDA not knowing whether to kiss her or shake her hand.) EDWIN cont’d Is it really true? Can you forgive me as well? BELINDA What else is there to do when you’ve fallen in love? Only try to be as patient with me as I am with you. EDWIN Yes, darling. Yes. I promise, I will soon learn to love and yet be civil as well! CLARISSA Let us feast the night away and greet the dawn together. BARON Let us unlock our horns. BELINDA Only if we may lock our lips! (BELINDA kisses EDWIN) CLARISSA A fine idea, Belinda! (CLARISSA and the BARON kiss)

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Finale BELINDA JUST LIKE A BIRD, DEEP IN AN EGG, I KNOW THE WORLD OUTSIDE IS SPRAWLING. I HEAR IT SAY, “BELINDA, YOU’RE DUE; NOW BREAK THROUGH.” BELINDA EDWIN DEEP IN MY SHELL, I START TO STIR. I START TO STIR WANTING TO JOIN NOW, THE WORLD THAT’S CALLING, I WANT TO JOIN WANTING TO BURST INTO THE BLUE. JUST BREAK THROUGH. I BREAK THROUGH.

CLARISSA WITH A CRACK! BARON I’M ALIVE!

CLARISSA, and BARON WE SEE THE WORLD ANEW. BELINDA and EDWIN FROM YOUR COAXING, CLARISSA and BARON FROM THE PROMISE I’D SEE YOU, CLARISSA, BARON, EDWIN, and BELINDA I HAVE BROKEN THROUGH. CLARISSA I’LL NOT WAIT. BELINDA I WON’T MOURN.

CLARISSA, BARON, EDWIN, and BELINDA I’LL BE BORN. BELINDA and EDWIN CLARISSA and BARON OUT OF OUR SHELLS, NOW WE EMERGE. AH, WHAT A VIEW! WHAT A VIEW.

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BELINDA and EDWIN cont’d CLARISSA and BARON cont’d STRETCHING OUR LEGS TESTING OUR WINGS, READY TO GLIDE. READY TO GLIDE MY SIGHT’S GROWING CLEAR, AND NOW I’M AT LAST I’M SEEING YOU. YOU AND YOUR HEART AN ODYSSEY NEW TO IT ALL, I NEVER KNEW. BUT IF YOU’RE NEAR, HERE AT MY SIDE, I WON’T HIDE I WON’T HIDE. MAIDENS OUT OF OUR SHELLS, NOW WE EMGERGE. AH, WHAT A VIEW! GENTLEMEN WE’LL STRETCH OUR LEGS, WE’LL TEST OUR WINGS, AND WE’LL GLIDE. MAIDENS YOU HELPING ME, I HELPING YOU TO THE SKY, MAIDENS and GENTLEMEN AND BY AND BY, GENTLEMEN MY SIGHT IS CLEAR. NOW, I’M AT LAST SEEING YOU. MAIDENS I’LL FACE IT ALL, IF YOU ARE HERE AT MY SIDE. GENTLEMEN YOUR HEART IS AN ODYSSEY, THRILLING AND NEW. MAIDENS, GENTLEMEN, EDWIN, BELINDA, CLARISSA, BARON EVEN AS THE SUN GOES DOWN, WE TAKE FLIGHT. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO SEE AT NIGHT. (BARNEY turns to ARIELLA)

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BARNEY ALTHOUGH I FEAR YOU’LL SQUASH IT, I OFFER YOU MY HEART AND MY HAND. ARIELLA I’LL TAKE YOUR HAND. BARNEY AND I MADE SURE TO WASH IT. ARIELLA NOW, I’M FINALLY IN LOVE BARNEY I FINALLY AM LOVED BARNEY and ARIELLA THROUGH YOU.

(ESTHER turns to CALEB) ESTHER ASK, AND I WILL ACQUIESCE. CALEB ESTHER, I’VE A QUESTION. ESTHER BEFORE YOU ASK, THE ANSWER’S YES. ESTHER CALEB AT LAST I’VE FOUND MY LAD. AT LAST YOU’VE FOUND YOUR LAD. (CALEB and ESTHER hold pinkies. AVIA turns to UMBRIEL, tentatively.) AVIA Should we hitch up too? UMBRIEL I guess. (UMBRIEL and AVIA make out furiously, as the music builds) ALL EVEN AS THE SUN GOES DOWN, WE TAKE FLIGHT. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO SEE AT NIGHT.

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ALL cont’d INTO THE NIGHT, WE’LL MAKE OUR WAY TO THE UNKNOWN, WE LEAVE BEHIND ALL THAT WE KNEW ‘TIL TODAY. NOW LOOK AROUND: WAYS THAT WE THOUGHT HAD BEEN BLOCKED, WE’VE UNLOCKED! OFF TO THE EAST, OFF TO OUR HEART, OFF WE GO. NO HOLDING BACK, NOW’S WHERE THE JOURNEY CAN START. YOU HOLD THE KEY; OPEN THE GATE, STEP OUTSIDE TO A WORLD SO WIDE!

(MORTALS exit for a feast, leaving GNOMES and SYLPHS to frolic, as a sprightly version of “Hampton Court” plays. Curtain.)

End of ACT II